CHAPTER III
SUNDRY SMALL HAPPENINGS
Whatever could it all mean? The Doctor-in-Law stood on the steps,calling out, "Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen, and see theTalking Fish," while large posters were pasted on the walls, bearingthe words, "Admission Sixpence" and "One day only."
The Commissionaire who usually stands at the door was looking verysurprised and angry, while the page boy was grinning all over hisface. Whatever was happening? I hastily paid the cabman, and followedby the Wallypug made my way through the crowd to the entrance.
"Admission sixpence each," said the Doctor-in-Law, holding out hishand.
"WALK UP, WALK UP, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN"]
"What do you mean?" I replied, "and what is all this crowd doinghere?"
"Admission sixpence each!" repeated the Doctor-in-Law stubbornly, nottaking the least notice of my questions, and holding his wand acrossthe doorway so that I could not get in.
"Nonsense!" I cried; "I'm not going to pay to go into my own house."
"Pay for the Wallypug then and I'll let you in free," said the littleman insinuatingly.
"I shall do nothing of the sort," I cried, pushing past him andhurrying up the stairs.
To my surprise I found my rooms occupied by strangers. SergeantOne-and-Nine was reciting some of the Rhymester's poems in the diningroom to three deaf old ladies, two of whom had ear trumpets, while A.Fish, Esq., was holding a kind of _levee_ in my study, seated in achair placed on the writing table, and was surrounded by an admiringcrowd of people who were asking all sorts of questions.
Mrs. Putchy met me at the door.
"Oh, sir!" she exclaimed. "I'm so glad you've come home. I haven'tknown what to do with all these people."
"But what does it all mean, Putchy?" I inquired. "What are they doinghere at all?"
"Why, you see, sir!" said Mrs. Putchy, "Mr. Doctor-in-Law found thatA. Fish, Esq., was attracting a good deal of attention out of doors,and he thought that it would be a capital idea to have a kind of showhere and charge sixpence admission to see him; and if there's beenone, I'm sure there's been a hundred people up here this afternoon.The remarks they've been making too, and the questions they've beenasking. Why, one old lady, sir, wanted to know how much you paid A.Fish, Esq., a week, and if I was _quite_ sure that you gave him enoughto eat. They've broken three chairs too, and that little Venetianglass vase that stood on the bracket in the corner. And just now Icaught some little boys tearing pictures out of one of thoseillustrated books you brought home last week."
Here was a pretty state of affairs. The strangers had by this timeleft A. Fish, Esq., and had collected around the poor Wallypug, whohad been waiting in his wet clothing in the hall, and I was obligedto politely but firmly insist upon them at once leaving the house,telling them that their money would be returned at the door.
"I should think so, indeed," said one angry-looking stout lady. "Why,the whole thing is a fraud and you ought to be thoroughly ashamed ofyourself. Talking fish indeed! I don't believe he's a fish at all--atany rate, not what I call a 'fish,'" and she flounced down the stairsonly to return a moment or two afterwards to say, "I thought you saidthat we were to have our money back."
"So you are, madam," I replied.
"Well, why don't you see that we get it then? That man downstairsrefuses to give me any money. The whole thing is a swindle. But Idon't mean to be defrauded in this way, I can tell you."
I went downstairs and told the Doctor-in-Law that he must at oncereturn everyone their money, and this after a great deal of grumblinghe did, while the Commissionaire and the page boy tore down theposters outside the door at my request.
I explained to the Doctor-in-Law that this sort of thing must notoccur again, and made him promise that he would never again use myrooms as a place in which to hold a show.
I really felt rather annoyed about it, for I could not imaginewhatever the neighbours would think of me for permitting such a sceneto take place in my rooms, but it evidently was useless now to sayanything more about it.
The next morning, despite the wetting which the Wallypug had receivedat the Round Pond, his thoughts still ran upon boating, and nothingwould satisfy his Majesty but that he should go for a row. I suggestedRichmond as the best place to start from, and so we drove overHammersmith Bridge and across Barnes Common.
Arrived at Richmond we had no difficulty in securing a nice boat.
"I'll row for one," said his Majesty.
"And I for another," said the Rhymester.
"Very well then," I replied. "Perhaps the Doctor-in-Law will steer,and so we will manage very nicely."
Quite a large crowd had collected to see us start, and perhaps that iswhat made the Wallypug so nervous; as it was, as soon as we pushedoff, his Majesty fell backwards with his feet sticking up above theseat, while the Rhymester stuck one oar deep down into the water andpulled it with all his might, while the other flourished about in theair.
HIS MAJESTY FELL BACKWARDS]
The Doctor-in-Law's idea of steering consisted in pulling first onestring and then the other, and so we did not get along very well justat first.
When the Wallypug had picked himself up from the bottom of the boat,however, and the Rhymester and he made another attempt, I think weshould have got along fairly well if the Doctor-in-Law, in tryingto get out of the way of a passing boat, had not steered us into thebank, where we stuck fast in the mud till someone on the footpath verykindly pushed us off again. After that I thought it best to take theoars myself, and his Majesty steered under my direction. In this waywe managed to get a little way past Teddington Lock by luncheon time,and having found an _eyot_ with no one on it we went ashore andunpacked the hamper of good things which we had brought with us.
It was a beautiful day, and I think that we all enjoyed the picnicimmensely. I know that I did for one, and so, I think, did hisMajesty, for after the meal he laid aside his crown and royal robesand made himself comfortable on the grass under the trees, and lookedthoroughly happy with a big cigar in his mouth.
HIS MAJESTY ENJOYS HIMSELF]
A. Fish, Esq., busied himself in preparing notes for his lecture onthe "Perhapness of the Improbable," and the Doctor-in-Law, havingpiled all the cushions in the boat at one end, threw himself upon themand read the newspaper.
In this way the afternoon passed very comfortably, and the Rhymester,after scribbling upon several pieces of paper, came and read to me apoem which had been inspired by our beautiful surroundings; he calledit
SOUL YEARNINGS.
The water's as wet as wet can be, And the trees, and the grass, are green, While the little birds sing and the fishes swim; 'Tis a most delightful scene.
It makes me yearn for I don't know what, To come from I don't know where, And take me away to the thingummybob And the what-you-may-call-'ems there;
and he told me that beautiful scenery always affected him in that way.
AN UNFORTUNATE VOLLEY]
It was now time for us to be thinking about getting back, especiallyas I should have to do all of the rowing. So we got into the boatagain, and I rowed back as far as Twickenham, where we stopped atEel-pie Island to have some tea. While we were waiting for it to beprepared, we began a game of tennis, but were obliged to leave off, asan unfortunate volley of the Doctor-in-Law's caught the Wallypug onthe nose, and so his Majesty declined to play any more.
We persuaded him to join us at cricket, though, having found somestumps and a bat and ball in an outhouse on the Island, and got onvery well for some time till, at a shout of "out, leg before wicket,"the Wallypug (who had caught the ball very nicely on his shin) fellforward on to the Doctor-in-Law, crushing his hat well over his eyes,and ruffling his temper considerably.
"OUT"]
In fact, I was very glad that tea was announced just then, for Ifeared that there was going to be a bother, and, as it was, theDoctor-in-Law kept scowling at his Majesty very fiercely.
"I shall mak
e him pay for it," declared the little man, and, duringtea, which we had at wicker tables by the river's edge, he was busymaking out an account, which later he handed with great solemnity tothe Wallypug. His Majesty apparently could not understand it, andpassed it on to me. On examination, I found it to be worded asfollows:
HIS MAJESTY THE WALLYPUG OF WHY, In account with THE DOCTOR-IN-LAW.
To damage of one hat, L0 7 6 " Physical injury, 0 2 0 " Moral deterioration, 15 6 9 --------- L22 17 8 " 3 per cent. discount for cash, 3 6 2 --------- L26 4 11
"What do you mean by moral deterioration?" demanded the Wallypug.
"Oh, I don't know. Same as other people do, I suppose," said theDoctor-in-Law. "It's always charged now, I believe. I read somethingabout it in the papers this afternoon."
"But the addition is all wrong," I expostulated.
"No, it isn't," replied the Doctor-in-Law, rudely snatching thedocument from me and putting it into his pocket-book, "and if itis, it's nothing to do with you. I shall charge it in our expenses,which the people of Why have undertaken to pay, so there." And theavaricious little fellow ran off to the boat, which we afterwardsfound he had been letting out on hire to small boys at a penny ahead.
The return journey was accomplished without any remarkable incidents,and on reaching home I found a very pressing invitation from Girlie'smother for the whole party to attend her "At Home" the next day.
It appears that this lady had called upon me while we were out, andMrs. Putchy had told her of the Wallypug's arrival.
His Majesty was good enough to say that he should be delighted toaccept, and so I wrote off at once to say that she might expect us.