Mrs. Gardiner had resumed her needlepoint after speaking matter-of-factly and was, at least outwardly, oblivious to the dropped jaws and flushed cheeks of her nieces. Then she peered at them over the top of her glasses, a sly smile spreading.
“Now, I wonder, which has you two the most shocked? That I would approve of such scandalous behavior before marriage? That an old woman like me still engages in and enjoys bedroom antics? Or that I would openly broach the topic in the first place?”
Not too surprisingly, Lizzy had regained her composure sooner than Jane, who was still scarlet and staring into her lap. “You are far from old, Aunt,” Lizzy observed, “and with four young children, it isn’t a revelation that you engage in…”
“Bedroom antics,” Mrs. Gardiner supplied when Lizzy faltered.
“Yes…that.” Lizzy swallowed, glancing away from her aunt’s amused smirk toward an even redder-faced Jane. Seeing no help forthcoming from that direction, Lizzy stumbled on. “It isn’t so much the encouragement to practice, as you put it, before our wedding, although that is…irregular. For me, and perhaps for Jane, it is the implications of enjoyment and…pleasure.”
Lizzy didn’t think her face was quite as red as her sister’s, but it was a relief when, instead of teasing further, her aunt assumed a serious expression. “Is the idea of felicity in the marriage bed an unfathomable concept? Surely you have both experienced the delight in your young man’s touch? His kiss? The feelings provoked inside of you? All teasing aside, a proper lady should not take matters too far until wed, but to feel nothing would be a poor sign indeed.”
“No…that is, yes, I do feel…something, but do not…” Tongue-tied, Lizzy stuttered to a halt.
Still staring into her lap and voice barely audible, Jane explained, “What I believe has Lizzy and myself shocked is that, until now, our only reliable source of personal, experienced information has been our mother.”
“Ah! I see. This is unfortunate. Well”—Mrs. Gardiner set her needlepoint onto the side table—“we must remedy this dearth in your education before it is too late. Where shall we begin?” She stared at each of them in turn. Jane finally lifted her eyes for a moment, but when neither offered direction, she crisply, and rather business-like, resumed speaking. “It appears ‘at the beginning’ is the answer, although I can’t believe neither of you understands the basic mechanics of the mating process. Surely your studies included biology and anatomy, and you do live on a farm, for heaven’s sake.”
“We aren’t that ignorant!” Lizzy blurted, feeling a tad offended.
“I did not think you were, my dears. Although, it is best not to assume anything. However, the pressing issue at hand is creating an environment of ease, now and later. You are grown women soon to be married. If the remotest reference to intimacy brings on blushes and stammering, how will you ever communicate openly with your husbands? Whatever their prior experience, they are not mind readers. A healthy, mutually satisfying relationship requires wives who will talk to them freely.”
Suddenly, as if a door in her mind opened, Lizzy saw the value in a frank discussion with someone who obviously enjoyed a physical relationship with her spouse. Thus far, all they had gotten from Mrs. Bennet was one rambling dissertation containing a smattering of valuable details amid the bizarre euphemisms and placations that they would somehow survive the ordeal! Their mother had not once mentioned pleasure or enjoyment, nor hinted that such was possible. Considering how a simple kiss made her feel, Lizzy had instinctively known her mother had been missing something.
Additionally, Lizzy believed that with greater intimacy, the delightful sensations thus far experienced with William would multiply. Merely thinking of him gave her tingles! After the interlude with William that day, and her wild desire to have him make love to her on the sofa, there was no denying the obvious. He had said, “I want you,” and she knew precisely what he meant.
Mysteries remained, however—and a fair amount of fear. Now, finally, the answers were within her grasp. Shaking off the uncomfortable visions of her aunt and uncle engaged in the act itself—no less nausea inducing than envisioning her parents—Lizzy vowed to overcome her embarrassment and take advantage of her aunt’s willingness to enlighten.
If only I could shake off the disquiet caused by the “whatever their prior experience” comment.
“Your admonition is received, Aunt. We must cease being silly girls. If we cannot speak of intimacy with another female, one whom we trust, then how will we do so with our gentlemen. Right, Jane?”
Jane had gathered herself, her face once again composed with only a faint rosiness remaining. Her hands clenched into tight fists upon her lap, the knuckles blanched from the strain of bravely facing an awkward topic, but her voice was steady. “I agree with Lizzy. Mr. Bingley deserves a wife who will know how to please him.”
Mrs. Gardiner chuckled softly. “Oh, trust me when I assure that a man is easy to please! A woman does not have to do all that much. Nevertheless, there are ways to improve the experience, for both of you, and the results are worth the effort. Being in love, as each of you is with your intendeds and they with you, is an incredible benefit. Mr. Gardiner and I did not have that in our favor in the beginning, yet we managed quite capably. As time passed and we grew to love each other, our intimate relationship improved profoundly.”
“You and Uncle have always been so affectionate,” Jane said. “I am quite astonished to hear it was not always so.”
“We were fond of each other, but our marriage was one of convenience and mutual necessity more than affection. Have I never told you the story?” They shook their heads in tandem. “Well, my word! It isn’t all that exciting, but may prove helpful to the subject.”
She explained how her father had endured a chronic illness, and after her mother died and siblings had left the house, she, as the youngest, assumed his care. “It wasn’t a sacrifice in truth. I had no suitors, loved my father dearly, and was overjoyed to run his business with him. In time, I was keeping the shop on my own while nursing my father, and I thrived on the pace.”
Her father, she explained, despite being forward-minded enough to include her as an equal in business, was old-fashioned in other ways. Primarily, he worried for her future as a spinster once he passed on. No matter how capable she was, a fact he was immensely proud of, or that her siblings were nearby and supportive, to his reckoning, a woman simply could not survive in the long term without a husband.
“He fretted over it so, bless his heart,” Mrs. Gardiner remembered, a warm smile on her lips. “To ease his heart, I bowed to his wishes.”
She recounted how Mr. Gardiner, and his father, had known the girls’ aunt’s father for decades. They were friends and occasional business partners in various ventures, and their shops in Cheapside were on the same street. “I had known Mr. Gardiner for years, of course, although not well. He is quite a bit older than me, as you know, and I was nearing thirty at the time. Now we can laugh at never considering the other as a prospective mate, but we simply never did! Even when my father expressed his preference, after talking to Mr. Gardiner about the arrangement first, I was stunned.”
“Was Uncle stunned too? Or did he secretly fancy you?”
“I must disappoint, Lizzy dear. There was no fancying on either side. He was as stunned at the idea as I was. Yet he saw the advantage in securing a wife, for all the typical reasons men want a wife, and not having to bother with wooing one was fortuitous.” Mrs. Gardiner paused to laugh aloud, the girls joining in. “Best of all, I possessed a sound head for business. Always practical, your uncle!”
“How romantic,” Lizzy intoned drily.
“Indeed,” Mrs. Gardiner laughed again. “I insisted on marrying only after my father passed on, which we knew was imminent. A year later, we married, without having done more than sharing a handful of chaste kisses. I was a decade older than you two are, probably more innocent, not in love, and not particularly interested in being a wife. Strangely, those
physical urges which plague the young seemed to have skipped past me.”
She paused for a moment, gazing seriously at her nieces. “This brings me to the main point in sharing this ancient history. I suspect, with this bleak and decidedly unromantic set up for our marriage, it would be logical to deduce our consummation and subsequent intimacies empty, unfulfilling, and maybe downright painful. Yes?”
Lizzy didn’t know quite how to respond, and a glance at Jane showed the same uncertainty. On the one hand, Lizzy could not fathom marrying a man she had no feelings for, not only because of her strong love for Mr. Darcy, but also because she had vehemently rejected marriage twice to men she held no affection for—that one of those men happened to be the man she later did fall in love with was an amusing piece of irony!
On the other hand, as she was beginning to realize, she was much like her aunt in not hitting puberty and instantly becoming obsessed with flirting and seductive ploys to ensnare a husband. Thus, while she loved William deeply and unquestionably responded as a female ought to her lover’s touch, did her years of indifference to the male populous carry a negative foreboding?
Waiting no longer for a comment from the silent duo, Mrs. Gardiner continued, “You would be mistaken to think so. We were quite compatible, in fact, and enjoyed the physical aspects of our marriage tremendously. This pleasure we experienced despite not being in love. A few years later, our children came along in swift succession after nothing happening for a while, and during this period, our fondness and affection for each other evolved into love—a strong, abiding, spiritual love. Neither of us spoke of it. We simply knew our relationship had altered. Now, ask me how it was we knew.”
Jane was smiling dreamily, her countenance revealing her understanding. It was Lizzy who answered, however, growing bold in her enthusiasm. “Your lovemaking had changed. It was even better than before. Am I right?”
“Spot on! You see, my dears, the physical act, as designed by God, is meant to bring the greatest of joy. In part, this is achieved merely by how the body was created. Certain areas of the male and female body will respond to certain stimuli. Under the proper circumstances, as long as both persons are willing, the act will culminate in passionate release regardless of the emotions between the two. You would need to be utterly blind or a mental deficient not to recognize this truth.
“Tragically, too many women fall into the role of servicing the physical needs of those males who seek such pleasure outside of marriage. In some cases, such women enjoy the activity and have chosen this lifestyle. Personally, as a woman of faith, this is abhorrent to me, yet I cannot deny the reality of it, mainly because it is a fact that our bodies are designed to respond and seek pleasure. What these situations lack, as did my marriage for a time, is the other part to the equation. Love. Degrees of affection enhance the experience, but when deeply in love, the affinity of heart, soul, and mind will lift the physical pleasure to a heavenly realm.”
At this point, both Jane and Lizzy were mesmerized. Embarrassment was forgotten, although it would resurface in small increments with spoken graphic words and phrases. Largely, however, they listened raptly as their aunt proceeded to elucidate in both clinical and erotic verbiage on the mysteries of lovemaking.
By the end of that long evening cloistered in solitude, it was safe to say that there were no mysteries remaining other than crossing the line into personal application.
* * *
Jane and Lizzy did not speak as they climbed the stairs to their bedrooms. Their silence was not the result of lingering bashfulness or unease over the subject matter covered in precise language, but due to distracting imagery and emotions that inhibited mundane talk. They parted, after perfunctorily murmuring their good-night and sleep-well wishes, each entering their own chambers and setting to the process of preparing for bed as if automatons.
For Lizzy, all that her aunt had spoken of could be summed up in one word: revelation.
She now comprehended every sensation she had experienced in the past weeks with William as she never had before. Granted, she had known on an elemental level, as well as intellectually, what the feelings meant. With the mind-opening revelation of exactly what the marriage bed fully entailed, she was not afraid—quite the contrary.
She now fathomed, with improved clarity, just how fantastic the act of lovemaking would be. She, a maiden whose experience was limited to gentle, pleasurable stimulation from a kiss or passionate embrace, had fervently yearned for more. The desires increased daily, so how strong would they be after another month has passed?
The crazed vision from earlier that day, of William loving her in his office, was more vivid.
It also raised the question: Would she really have crossed the forbidden line of losing her virtue before exchanging vows? Just a few days ago she had quite vehemently assured William that she would never allow such a thing. Today? If William were to walk through her bedchamber door right now, with her concupiscence at an all-time high, would she send him away?
Lizzy gazed at her reflection in the mirror. A flushed face with bright eyes stared back.
It is fortunate he is miles away, she thought, sighing forlornly.
Lizzy reflexively began removing the pins from her hair, plopping each one onto the table sightlessly, her musings continuing.
Another aspect of the revelation from today, both from Aunt Gardiner and the passionate exchange with her fiancé at the townhouse, was greater sympathy for Darcy’s struggles.
Surely, a mature man Mr. Darcy’s age had been aware of his carnal lusts for a decade, if not longer. If her sexual awareness, so recently awoken, could lead to such intense temptations, it logically followed that he faced a far stronger temptation. Furthermore, distressing as the thought was, Lizzy doubted his experiences in this area was limited to only her or to simple kisses and embraces. Presuming this was the case—the details of which she hoped never to learn—when he imagined loving her, the visions must be crystal clear and explicit.
However, he had not loved any of the women he may have entertained in the past. Only she held William’s heart, of this fact she was positive. This amazing man she loved was a person of deep emotions, loyalty, and faith. Lizzy believed William was already cognizant of the God-ordained plan that made lovemaking exponentially rapturous when between two who were bonded soul and spirit—in this, she was confident.
The conclusion to all of this being, his restraint was more remarkable than she had credited.
“This is going to be a long four weeks,” she declared aloud to her reflection in the tall mirror she stood in front of. Dreamily, she nodded and then smiled bemusedly upon noting that, while lost to introspection, she had changed into her bed clothes, unpinned her hair, and was now brushing the long locks which fell in a wave down her back, the ends almost reaching her bottom.
William adores my hair.
The thought came unbidden, and her brushing rhythm faltered. Only once, that she was aware of, had he seen her hair down. The day she walked to Netherfield to attend to a sick Jane, she had hurried out the door, not bothering to pin it. She would never forget his face when she walked into the breakfast room. Not for many months would she comprehend the emotions and thoughts behind his dumbfounded expression or the other countless times he had stared at her in frank appreciation.
Oh yes, he adored her hair, but that was not all. Examining her familiar facial features with recent revelations in mind, Lizzy focused on altering her perceptions. How did William view her?
His “barely tolerable” remark at the Meryton Assembly—the result of frustrated moodiness and trying to keep Mr. Bingley from playing matchmaker—had long ago been discounted. There was no question William considered her beautiful. The only surprise in that statement was that Lizzy had never considered herself particularly beautiful. Honestly, tolerable is an apt word. Perhaps a bit more than tolerable, but not the beauty of Jane or adorable, dimpled cuteness of Kitty. Nor was she lushly provocative, like Lydia. Not being un
kind but merely honest, of the five Bennet daughters, Lizzy ranked her looks above only Mary, who was the plainest.
Of course, as the ancient saying maintained, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. William beheld the woman he loved, and in his estimation, she was the most beautiful woman alive—his words, not her prideful imagination. On the handful of occasions when he had relaxed his guard enough to touch her face, she readily recalled how his fingertips would sensuously brush over her skin from feature to feature, his passion-glazed eyes following and conveying without a single word his fervid attraction.
His actions and expressions vivid in her mind, Lizzy lifted a hand to her face. Tracing a similar trail as he, she swept her fingers across her forehead, brows, nose, cheek, and then down to rest on her lips. Her mirrored image faded, shimmering into his form and his eyes hungrily, reverently staring back.
She didn’t realize how rapidly her heart was beating and how shallow her breaths until, in the same mesmerized manner, her fingers glided along her jaw then down her neck to rest lightly in the hollow of her throat. No longer was her fevered mind envisioning his fingertips. Instead, she felt his lips as they had traversed the sensitive flesh of her shoulders and bosom earlier that day. The sensations coursing through her body from the memory were nearly as intense as his tangible mouth had aroused. Perhaps the intimacy of the current setting contributes, she thought dazedly. After all, she was alone, steps away from a bed, and wearing nothing but sleeping garments.
For the first time, she deliberately contemplated how it would be on her wedding night. William, for the first time, would see her as she is now. Hair tumbling down her back, feet bare, and a loose gown of thin material the only barrier to her naked flesh.
Lizzy emitted a breathy sigh as tingles cascaded over her skin. Shivering, she instinctively crossed her arms over her chest and hugged her shoulders.