“Suppose if she gets hungry enough, she’ll get over it,” I mused.
“Too stubborn. Horses are by nature very curious.” He leaned forward, gazing out at that magnificent beast. “Right now, she has no idea how she even got here. She is deep inside letting her fear cage her. If she were to find her calm, her center point, she would remember that she retreated here. That she ran from fear and managed to land herself all alone with that emotion. She has not taken the time to realize that what she ran from, she was more powerful than. I doubt she even realizes the raw, natural power that was instilled into her bloodline.”
“You’re telling me something small and insignificant scared her and caused her to run into isolation, to her death?” That wasn’t a promising thing for me to hear.
He grinned. “Everything is significant. The wayward sound she heard that triggered her fear could have been something as simple as a slap of the wind.”
“Winds can be terrifying,” I said under my breath, remembering how much damage I’d brought with my emotions when they were out of control. I still hadn’t thought of the loss of life I could have been responsible for. The thought had only edged into my mind, and I felt a shudder. I pushed it away, telling myself everything has its reason and time.
Right as that thought came, the mare before me looked up and angled her ears forward as if she were sensing something in the distance.
“They are needed for change.”
“Change sucks. I’ve had my fair share of that.”
“Growing pains?” he asked with a grunt and a wry smile.
The thought crossed my mind to shut my mouth. That this man was from Chara and I didn’t need him to think that either Landen or I were weak. Not if we were approaching war.
“Lately, shrinking pains.”
“How so?”
“Gained too much too fast, then lost it all. Now…now I’m just a mess.”
“You don’t gain or lose power; you just remember or forget.”
“Really? Is that a horse lesson?”
“Life lesson. Everyone goes down a dark road.”
“Jacked up game plan, if you ask me,” I said with a crooked smile.
“The darkness leads to light.”
“Very Chara way of thinking.”
I felt his stare linger over me before he spoke. “I hear the lovers that began this world were wise souls.”
“Lovesick souls. Head set on bringing down darkness, not leading to it.”
“How would you ever recognize light if you were not standing in the dark?” he quipped.
“I know the balance lesson. It’s in us all.”
“Do you realize it is a constant battle of mind, body, and soul?” he asked as he returned to carving his stick.
“Firsthand.”
“Well, then. I don’t see why you are worried about growing or shrinking pains.”
“I’m worried because I don’t know how to do either. Not over the last few months, anyway.”
“I think you do,” he said with a smile, not bothering to look up at me or his horse, which was worked up again. Most of the sand was kicked up at this point. Pools of water were all around her. She was trying to avoid them, but they were emerging too quickly.
“Thanks for the confidence, but I’m not sure you know me. You know the idea of me.”
“I have a pretty good gauge on people,” he said with a hard slice to his stick. “You’re giving up right now.”
“No. I’m afraid.”
“You’re not grieving for the power you think you lost? You are not missing the shield it gave you?”
“Don’t look at me like I’m crazy, but I don’t miss the power. I miss the anger.”
“Why so?”
“It helped me not to be afraid. It gave me the will to change what I did not like in the world around me.”
“Anger is a gift. All emotions are, really. But sometimes too much anger robs you of your curiosity.”
“What?”
“The best way to bring change is to be curious. You can charge in and change all the rules, but if you were never curious as to why those rules were in place to begin with, you are setting yourself up for failure.”
I furrowed my brow at him, which made him chuckle.
“Whatever you are trying to change, you are staring at the result. You have to figure out what it was like in the beginning. No one plans to bring destruction, or even evil.”
“I can think of one ghost that did,” I muttered.
He laid his stick down. “You know of his beginning?”
“Donalt’s?” I asked, wondering if we were talking about the same person. I had no idea what this Mark Twain look-a-like knew or did not know about me.
He nodded once.
“He took over a king’s body and life. Brought hell with him,” I stated evenly.
“But where did he come from? What was he created to be?”
Now there was a thought that never crossed my mind, at least not long enough for me to ponder it.
“What does Donalt bring that you want to change?”
“Fear. He brings fear to innocence.”
“And what if he was not created to bring it, but release it?”
Ah! This was what Justus was talking to me about. Justus didn’t refer to Donalt as a ghost or dark king of a corporeal realm, but as a Sovereign that had failed his charge.
“Then he should be fired because he is not doing his job.” And I would never fail that charge, I thought reverently to myself, surprised by the confidence in my tone.
Mark Twain laughed, a deep, bellowing laugh. I thought I heard him say, “Let’s hope not.” As he stopped, he gazed at me with wonder. “So, let’s muse, say he didn’t always invoke. That would make him powerful if he could help innumerous souls face that emotion.”
“A misused power.”
“Maybe he became addicted to it.”
I nodded, knowing Justus had alluded to the addiction of emotions.
“Who could be addicted to fear, though? I’m rippled with it. I can’t even think straight. I’m no better than your mare.”
“But because you are saturated in it, because you are not distracted by other emotions, the one powerful one you’ve hidden behind, you are figuring it out.”
“I can’t agree with you there.”
“I’m watching you right now. I see when you hold your breath, when you breathe deep. When you seize your breath, you are letting fear be the master, letting it steal your life. When you breathe deep, thoughts of reason are emerging in your mind. That is balance.”
He was too right. I hadn’t even figured out I was doing that.
“Donalt became addicted to power, power he could gain on several planes. He grew addicted to the game of life. It is natural to have passions, deep desires, but he pushed the envelope when he forgot his purpose.”
“The people.”
“The souls. He forgot to care for them first. Instead, he was looking for the next battle, the next step that would raise him higher. He disconnected from the universe. The oneness. The circle of life.”
“You act like you know him.”
He let a slow, bobbing nod come to him as he gazed out at his mare and his eyes filled with grief.
“Are you trying to tell me to forgive him? To walk away, turn the other cheek?”
“Not at all. We are all one. He, like it or not, is a part of you, in some distant way. You need to run your own race. And never forget the souls you are meant to watch over.”
“That is a lesson I’m sure I would have listened to at one time. But…I don’t know. I have to get through this first. For all I know, I’m already done and you are an illusion.”
He chuckled. “Real as they come.”
I nodded once.
“Were you trying to tell me I was turning into him? That I would make the same mistakes he did? That…that if I make it through this, that could happen to me?”
“No, I’m telling you to le
arn from them. You have a taste for anger, Donalt had one for greed. Still does. His soul is locked away as his ego, who is thirsty for power, takes the lead.”
“And mine is locked away as anger defends what I am too afraid to face.”
He glanced at me. “He doesn’t seem like some powerful ghost now, does he?”
“No. You made him human somehow.”
“So, if you are not afraid of him, then you should not fear his actions.”
“Not fearing him landed me like this.”
“There are many levels of fear, and each has the right to feel them. However, in order to face fear, or any emotion, you have to approach it curiously. You have to understand why you felt that way. Understand the lesson.”
“I feared him for the power he had. I was angry that he used it.”
“And more than likely, during that tug of war you forgot what this deal was all about.”
“Deal? You mean life? I never knew.”
“Where do your thoughts linger when they have no direction?”
“Landen. Finding bliss with Landen.”
“Have you let your mind take you there recently?”
I move my head from side to side. “Hard to do when death is always leaning over your shoulder. When our emotions are strained by outside forces.”
“Maybe you should keep your focus on the inside. Discover each other again, curiously.”
“I want that,” I breathed. I could hear the slow, steady drum of my heart when I thought of how I wanted that so bad.
“I imagine he is your peace.”
“I am his hell. You have no idea what I have put him through.”
“I know that he is designed, created, to be one with you. There is only one being that has the power to calm the tidal waves of your emotions. Only one that can weather how powerful you are.”
I was sure that was a Chara legend or something.
“Then why have we struggled so far?” I said, almost to myself.
“He can only protect and understand your soul. Not the ego.”
“I really have hidden it from him.”
“I suppose you didn’t want him to see the dark corners of your soul, but…you never fathomed that he had the same dark corners, that together you could find redemption. Oneness. That you could lead others to do so.
I felt a violent tremble rock through me. Skylynn and Drake’s images began to assault my mind.
In the beginning, I held back because I was young and in love. I was exploring him, but I was shy. Then Drake happened, darkness happened—and then Skylynn happened. I told him I was okay with that, that I was okay with some dark past he had, but that was the anger talking. I felt like I had gotten even with Drake. I felt validated. I saw it as a game. Not good. Not good at all.
Mark Twain next to me moved his head from side to side, as if he were reading my thoughts and agreeing.
“This deal here,” he said with a nod to the water at his side, “it’s going to open you wide. He may not see it all at first, you may not see it all at first, but you will see it in time. You can’t let anger rise and your ego call the shots. Because when you do that, the one emotion that you know all too well, the emotion that you have the power to redeem, will be caged within and the universe will suffer right alongside the two of you.”
“The ceremony?”
“The point where two souls made of one, join.”
“Die?”
“Life is eternal.”
I looked down, squeezing my eyes closed. I felt his hand on my back. “Your battle is coming to an end, but a new one will forevermore be on the horizon. Hold fast to each other, and you will always have the strength you need to protect the souls under your watch.”
I felt burning tears emerge from my eyes. “If the power comes back…I don’t know that I can control it.”
“You will not control it alone. He will share your power. He will carry it when it weighs your soul, as you will carry his when he falters.”
I was silent. I felt myself breathing in, my thoughts pushing me to an unknown future that would still be dark, but I would have Landen, we would help so many. Another shudder came to me. We may not have even seen our darkest day, but I knew that as long as we had each other, we would find balance.
I had been focused on Donalt, even Drake’s well-being, thinking that was the end, but that was not going to be the end—that was going to be the starting line to an eternity of eternities. We were everlasting. Hearing that thought gave me the first deep, calm breath that I had taken in forever.
“Well, look’a there,” Mark Twain said.
I looked up, questioning if he were indeed reading my thoughts. The mare had edged to the water. She stepped one hoof in, then stepped back and circled. From that point, she started running toward the water. At the edge, she jumped, high and long. I could not see where she landed, but she reached the shore and ran toward the other horse. As they galloped side by side into the distance, they became one.
“Depth perception. She didn’t know if that water was one inch or one mile deep. She finally remembered her power, her balance.”
“Um…how did two horses just turn into one?”
“I told you, there was only one. Her soul took over the vessel. Beautiful, don’t you think?” he said, tipping his head to the water. I followed his gaze, and in my refection my emerald green eyes were gone; they were now as blue as the water, shining, full of calm. My hair was no longer wayward, and I didn’t look like I was at death’s door; I looked as if this was the happiest day of my life.
I stood to lean down. I heard the horse in the distance, bucking and neighing, so my attention went from my reflection to her.
“Her ego is going to show itself once in a while, a lot at first, but soon it will settle,” Mark Twain said.
The vision of the horse vanished, as did the sand dune. Before me was crystal clear water.
“Breathe deep when the fear comes. Know that once you find him, you will no longer bear it alone. That he craves and desires to help you bear that weight.”
Mark Twain vanished, and I was all alone.
Chapter Nineteen
~ Landen ~
The second Rasp vanished, a glass walkway that was only two feet wide appeared before me. It only stretched out a few feet. I felt pulled to step out onto it, knowing I would get further if I just dove in. I felt a blazing burn raining down my shoulders, on my arms and back. The pain in my chest was dividing me in two, but I could feel her. Her emotions were shifting, and I couldn’t figure out why.
To my surprise, as I stepped forward the walkway expanded. I moved cautiously forward, and as I did more glass appeared, giving me one more step. Right then, her emotions sparked, fear peaked, and I felt a pain that only a confused, broken heart could imitate. I’d caused that, and I’d give anything to stop it. I started to run, and as I did the walkway over the pristine water expanded, only appearing a breath before my feet landed on the surface.
Right then, all hell broke loose—or rather, my past surfaced. All around me were images of lives I had only gotten a glimpse of. Fire was in the air. I saw the Veil, I saw The Realm, I saw every dark corner of my soul. Skylynn appeared, her image. She was laughing at something I said as she warmed her hands against the fire that was burning before us. I saw myself reach to put my arm around her as I said something else that made her laugh so hard that she was wiping tears from her eyes.
I felt so sick that I couldn’t move. Sick for a thousand reasons. Sick because I let that moment happen, and many more. I led her on, betraying us all. It didn’t matter that we both knew that was all for show, we were not meant to be together. I felt sick because I had never seen Willow laugh that hard. Fire boomed around me. On instinct, I stepped back, and as I did I nearly fell. My walkway that was just above the water was now hundreds of feet in the air, and I was standing in the middle of nowhere.
I was paralyzed. I didn’t want to run forward and face that image, to feel it any more
intensely, but I could not turn back. I had started this, and there was no going back. I ran forward, watching the images turn to dust, hearing the echo of Skylynn’s laugh, her sigh and say, “Your girl is lucky. I will tell her as much when we find her.” I let out a relieved smile, forgetting the details of that night, forgetting that Willow had never left my mind. That Aden had never left Skylynn’s.
I pushed forward, seeing all the hell Phoenix and I had raised, the souls we’d bargained with. I wanted to stop and find a reason for that. To tell myself I was an idiot, that I was making this all worse, but instead I let the images scatter as I ran through them. Before long, I saw ancient lives, me as an old man, holding the hand of a stunning woman as I whispered into her ear and promised her a beautiful ever after. The shade of her eyes, the shade of Willow’s, was light green, a color that would easily reflect blue if given the chance. I cursed myself, realizing how close I was to finding the real her in that life. I ran farther, seeing the last trial in The Realm, how scared and in pain Willow was, the one before that, when I was lost in that Realm and she was soaked with rage.
They all surfaced, the one where she saved those children and Olivia, the one where she took her life, the one where we took over the palace—I saw them all. In utter, vivid detail. I saw that even though we were side by side, sharing thoughts and emotions, we were miles away from one another, both trying to balance the youth of our bodies with the age of souls. I’d let her down. I’d let her slide through my fingers. I’d let her live alone in darkness. I begged every higher power I could think of for just one more chance. One more shot to find her soul.
~Willow~
I was losing whatever confidence the Mark Twain look-a-like had given me. Even though my chest was burning, I didn’t trust the water that had berated me moments ago. I had nowhere to run, and terror was taking over again. But then, I felt him. I felt Landen’s emotions spiraling from everything from devotion to rage. I inhaled, feeling anger for the first time in days. I felt it balance my fears. I felt it give me courage. But I held it at bay. I didn’t want it to overcome me.
A glass walkway appeared before my feet. Trembling, I stepped forward, seeing this all as a dream. With each step, it extended. Landen’s emotions were coming closer, and they were all over the place. I felt his regret, his dread, followed by relief. It was the oddest gathering of emotions I’d ever felt. I knew I had to protect him. I had to reach him, and as I moved, that walkway started to extend, appearing just as I needed it to.