Chapter 16
Though I had anticipated Cyhan’s arrival the day of the festival, he managed to outdo himself and arrive very late the evening before that. Coincidentally, it also led to a lot of work on the part of those at the castle who were responsible for feeding and welcoming our soldiers back. No one complained though, at least not aloud. Well, perhaps that wasn’t true after all, I have little idea what may have been said in places out of my earshot.
What the servants didn’t know, however, is that I wouldn’t have punished them for their negative sentiments. In fact I was a bit irritated myself, though I knew it was irrational. They had returned because I had commanded it, and they returned at the time they did because they had pushed themselves to the limit to return as soon as humanly possible.
Rationality can go fling itself into a fire! I told myself silently, in response to those more reasonable thoughts. “They could have taken their damn sweet time and gotten here a day or two later!” I opined in a loud and entirely unsavory voice, as I dressed hastily.
“Quit complaining and go, before you wake up the children,” Penny hissed at me in the dark.
“If the damn pounding on the door a minute ago didn’t waken, them my swearing won’t do it!” I responded at a somewhat quieter volume.
Penny didn’t respond to that remark, but with my magesight I could see her glaring at me in the dark. Sometimes my gift is less of a blessing and more of a curse. My better sense finally got the upper hand, and I shut up and left the room to make my way to the hall that joined our house to the apartment in Cameron Castle. Along the way I managed to get my trousers up far enough that I wasn’t in danger of exposing myself.
Reaching the door I flung it open. “Give me a damn moment to get dressed, and I’ll be right along!” I said without preamble. I was surprised to find Elaine standing next to the footman that guarded my outer door. Her eyes widened at the sight of me, and her cheeks flushed. I was too many years beyond puberty to be embarrassed. “Never seen a man without a shirt on before?” I barked in annoyance, “I thought you had a brother at home.”
She put her hand up over her mouth to hide her amusement. “You are ‘not’ my brother,” she replied, belatedly adding, “… Your Excellency.”
I stared at her for a moment, before shutting the door a bit abruptly. I’m far too old for this sort of silliness, I thought, as I tromped back to finish dressing myself. A second thought followed quickly after it, No you aren’t. “And that is exactly the sort of stupidity that will get you in trouble,” I responded aloud to my inner-renegade.
“What sort of stupidity?” asked Penny mildly from the direction of the bed.
“I was just chiding myself for being too angry,” I said quickly. Someday I will learn to keep my mouth closed until my better sense catches up with me.
Pulling a large over-tunic on, I left the room before I could say anything else stupid in my sleep-addled state. Elaine and a second footman followed me from my door and down to meet our returning soldiers. As we walked, a thought occurred to me, “Why do you happen to be up at this hour Elaine? I wouldn’t expect you to be dressed and ready to greet anyone this late at night.” She was still wearing the same dress she had had on at dinner, several hours earlier.
She paused for a moment, obviously uncertain how to reply, “I went to the room you and Father showed me. I was experimenting with the viewing windows, to make sure I would remember where everything was if the need arose later. I saw them arriving at the city gate before the news reached the castle.”
That explained a half an hour perhaps, but it wouldn’t have kept her up this late. “Studying the enchantments we used to create the window portals?” I said, guessing. Her reaction was all the answer I needed to know I had hit the mark.
She nodded.
“I’ll be happy to teach the pattern to you, and your father already knows it as well,” I offered. “There’s no reason to be embarrassed about it.”
“Thank you,” she said quietly, but it was still obvious that she wasn’t revealing what was really on her mind.
We kept walking, and after a moment I spoke again, “Why don’t you just spit out whatever it is that you’re thinking.”
“How do you do it?” she blurted out suddenly, “How do you keep creating these enchantments?”
I sighed, “I had some advantages. I found a book detailing enchantments used by wizards in the past. I know I’ve told you this before…”
“No,” she interrupted, “Father said you figured out the basics before you found the book.”
“Those were very crude enchantments, and I was lucky that I didn’t kill myself experimenting. Most of what I learned came from the book I found,” I said, hoping to put her off.
“One of your early enchantments was the rune channel you put on your staff,” she said, pointing at the pouch that I stored my staff and other cumbersome tools in… a pouch that was also the result of a clever enchantment. “Yet despite what you learned in that book, you saw no need to improve or replace it.”
I had actually decided that my design was slightly better than the example of a rune channel found in the book, for mine included the adaptability of being able to store a temporary spell, such as a light, within the enchantment. “It was a good design,” I answered, “sometimes even fools get lucky.” Elaine stopped walking and her brow furrowed. Was she angry? She rarely showed that side of her personality to me, unlike her poor father.
“I’ve studied every enchantment you showed me. I’ve looked at that book that you claim taught you,” she began, speaking slowly, “and I barely understand the designs, even after you explain them to me. Every day you seem to come up with some new innovation. You’re a better enchanter than whoever wrote that book you keep pointing to for explanations.”
I gave her my best roguish grin, “I won’t deny that I may have a natural talent.” Her serious expression told me she wasn’t buying my story.
“Where is it coming from?” she asked suddenly, “Moira Centyr? Is she still hiding in the shadows, whispering the secrets of the ages in your ear?”
A cold sensation passed over me, for I knew, without a doubt, where the knowledge originated. “You are the heir of Illeniel’s Doom. The sin of our progenitor has passed to you, along with the betrayal of his heir. Illeniel’s Promise remains unfulfilled and must remain so, my son. We share the same burden; the guilt of generations, still refusing to pay our debt, for the cost is too high.”
I could hear Jaryd Illeniel’s voice in my mind, remembering his words as clearly as if he had spoken them just a day before, yet I was sure he had died at least a generation before Balinthor threatened to destroy all of humankind. With that memory, came the realization that I also remembered the man who had first taught him those words, Dalyn Illeniel, Jaryd’s father. The memory, and the words, stretched back within me, through a line of fathers and sons, unbroken until it reached the source… the first Illeniel.
“The man who destroyed my people and who set me on the path that has led me now to you, his great grandson many times removed. Did you think you descended from some noble line? The man was a murderer a thousand times over.” Mal’goroth’s words echoed in my head, as I remembered our meeting shortly before I finished massacring the army of Gododdin.
“Are you listening?” said Elaine, her voice interrupting the cascade of dark thoughts that had almost overwhelmed me.
My eyes narrowed as they focused on Elaine’s. Pushing aside the confusion of memories threatening my sanity, I drew upon anger to hide my weakness. “Are you accusing me of something, Elaine?” I responded, in a tone that radiated chilly animosity.
She hesitated then, as my sudden anger had caused her some uncertainty. Glancing toward the footman, as if seeking reassurance, she answered, “Perhaps we should talk about this another time… for the sake of discretion.”
“You require privacy?” I asked, and without waiting for an answer, I created dark grey shields around the tw
o of us. They were opaque, blocking all sight, and the sudden hush around us gave testament to their sound deadening qualities. “You may speak freely now, no one will see or hear us.”
Unsettled, Elaine looked around before straightening her back and squaring her shoulders. “I want to know where your knowledge comes from,” she said with sudden boldness, even daring to step closer to me, as if to show that my angry demeanor had not frightened her.
“I have many secrets,” I admitted, “but I have hidden nothing concerning my knowledge of magic from you.” A half-truth is still a lie.
Elaine stared unwaveringly into my eyes and parted her lips as if to speak, but she closed them again without saying anything. There was defiance in her gaze.
“Spit it out, no one can hear us,” I said.
“I may speak freely?” she asked.
As she spoke I noted the dilation of her eyes and the increase in her breathing. She was afraid of me, either that or… I pushed the thought away. “I already told you that. Speak what is on your mind,” I told her.
“You’re lying,” she said abruptly.
“What?” I said, shocked at her brazenness. Absently I also noted that her cheeks were flushed. And she smells uncommonly good, observed the voice in the back of my head.
“You heard me. I called you a liar,” she said, stepping even closer and looking up into my eyes. Our faces were too close; she had invaded my personal space. Usually it made me uncomfortable, but despite my anger, or perhaps because of it, I did not step back.
“I’ve been watching you for years now,” she continued, “and I’ve learned to read your expressions. You’ve become an excellent liar. You lie to everyone; to Dorian, to my father, to your wife, and to me. I know you do it for good reason. You want to protect us, but it doesn’t have to be that way.”
Rather than dodge the accusation, I accepted it at face value. “That is my decision to make,” I stated calmly, though my temper was rising.
“You have other options, Mordecai. Everyone needs a confidant, someone they trust, someone to share their secrets. I want to help you,” she said, pressing even closer, her hand on my chest.
Her hand was hot, or so it seemed, for it seemed to burn where she had laid it against my chest. Such a casual gesture, and yet my senses told me that her heart was beating rapidly. Even worse, her perception would have already betrayed my own quickening heart rate. I took a deep breath, “Elaine, you’ve made a mistake, an understandable one, given the situation, but a mistake nonetheless. You don’t really want what you think you want. If…”
“No,” she interrupted, “you do need me.” For just a second her eyes darted downward.
Wicked girl! I knew then that she held no illusions about the nature of her actions. This was no innocent. She’s only four years younger than I am, my inner commentator reminded me. I have thought of her as a child since I first met her, but she’s a woman of twenty three now.
Her features softened as she looked up at me with sky blue eyes, eyes that were full of sorrow. “I’ve watched you, learned from you, studied you…, and loved you, Mordecai, since the day you saved me from Celior’s cruel grip. I know you have obligations, but I would give anything to help you. I am not a child.”
For a second I wavered as I looked at her. It would have been easy after all, and I need have no guilt over her innocence, for she had just proclaimed her clear intention. Of course, it would be a betrayal of my family, my wife, and her father, who trusted me. My hormones didn’t really give a damn about any of that though. The doorway that had opened in my mind held glimpses of similar situations: other men’s moments of weakness or strength, and in those memories I saw that many otherwise good men had made bad decisions. Better men than I had made this mistake, often with few consequences.
Some of them had tragic results, my inner monitor reminded me, but my lower regions were shouting something entirely different at me. I closed my eyes for a moment while, with my magesight, I saw Elaine leaning in, her arms rising to circle my waist. Her own senses had surely alerted her to my body’s physical reaction, so she had little reason to doubt how I would answer her.
Her face registered shock for a moment. I had caught her wrists in my hands to prevent her embrace. “No,” I said softly, looking down at her with what I hoped were firm and compassionate eyes.
“What?”
“No,” I repeated. “This is never going to happen.”
“I don’t understand,” she began, a look of confusion in her features, “I can feel your true response. Why are you…?”
“This would do nothing but bring harm to both of us. I love my wife, and your father is my friend. I have many flaws, and I have made plenty of mistakes, but I will not add this to them,” I explained carefully.
Elaine frowned, “That isn’t what you want.” Again her eyes flashed downward, in a not so subtle hint.
My temper returned quickly. “You think that is an indicator of a man’s true desires?” I rebuked her, “That it’s an sign of love perhaps?”
Her cheeks flushed red with embarrassment, and she stepped back from me, providing me with some welcome space. “I never thought you would love me,” she replied, “I am not a fool. I was simply offering my confidence, my trust, and any comfort that you might want of me, but I already knew I could not claim your heart. Is that so wrong of me?”
I had to give her credit. She made adultery sound almost noble. Even worse, I was pretty sure she truly meant what she said. She was willing to give me whatever I wanted, and she expected nothing in return. It was a tortured form of love. It was also self-deceit.
I ignored her question and answered with one of my own, “Do you know what separates humans from the beasts?” The question was rhetorical, and after a brief pause I went on, “The distinction between love and lust, the ability to occasionally overcome our impulses for self-gratification, and instead do what is best for our loved ones. We frequently fail at this, but once in a while we succeed.”
She flinched as though I had slapped her. Opening her mouth to reply, no words came out, while instead tears were already falling from her cheeks. My remarks had definitely produced the intended result. Now if I can calm her down. Getting on a moral soapbox may not have been the best method. She’s not likely to be very rational for a while, I observed mentally.
Whirling about she ran headlong into the grey shield I had put around us. “Let me out!” she cried at me through her tears.
“Not yet,” I answered calmly. “I have a few things to tell you first.”
She met my gaze for a moment, and I was shocked at the transformation. In less than a minute, she had gone from lovely young woman to puffy-eyed, snotty-nosed, and thoroughly disheveled. She also seemed to be acutely aware of it, for she hid her face. “Just let me go, I don’t want to be here anymore. Please!” she sobbed.
My anger had already dissipated, to be replaced by pity and empathy. “I know you’re hurt and embarrassed, which is understandable. I refuse, however, to lose a promising student over something so profoundly normal. After I remove the shield, you may return to your room, but you are not to leave. You may have tomorrow off, but I expect you back at your duties the day after that.”
“I can’t face anyone after this…” she moaned.
“Use your invisibility. No one need see you as you return. I will explain your sudden absence to the guards,” I told her sternly.
“But tomorrow…” she began.
“This was between us. It’s settled now and I for one see no need to shame you for what are perfectly human feelings. I will speak to no one regarding this conversation. Do you understand?”
She nodded mutely and after a moment she became invisible to normal sight. I took the shields down and faced the guards, who had been patiently waiting for many minutes now.
“Is everything alright, my lord?” asked one of the men.
“Where is Elaine?” the other inquired promptly.
“I sent her
on a different errand,” I informed them brusquely.
“But…”
I held up my hand. “It does not concern you. Now, let us continue. I am anxious to see Sir Cyhan.”
***
Cyhan and the rest of the men were already settling into the main hall when I got there. Servants, sleepy eyed and occasionally yawning, were moving to and fro to bring the men bread and small beer. By their appearance, I could tell they had been pushed hard to reach the castle so quickly.
“My lord,” said Cyhan as I approached the table.
He had already half risen before I could gesture for him to stay seated. “Sit! Rest!” I admonished him, while looking around the room. The rest of the men were standing as well, so I motioned for them to relax, “You have traveled long roads at a fast pace, take your ease men.” Glancing back at Cyhan, I told him, “Eat and we will talk in the morning.”
The look that crossed his face spoke volumes. Cyhan would rather have gotten the exchange of news taken care of immediately. Opening his mouth, he hesitated for a second as he read my face, “Very well my liege,” he said at last.
After that I took the next few minutes to walk among the men and check on their general condition. Once I was sure they were well taken care of I retired, for I could still hear the call of my bed. As I walked back to my family suite, I thought again of my conversation with Elaine. Nothing good comes of waking up in the middle of the night, I said to myself.
Chapter 17
Morning arrived with a thump, as the wind was driven from my chest by a heavy blow to my abdomen. Since I had been dead asleep, the air rushed from my half open mouth with a ‘whoop’, followed by a choking gasp as I sought to fill my lungs again. The blow had been precisely aimed however, and my diaphragm was refusing to assist me in the effort. It had taken the day off in protest at the abuse I suppose.
“Daddy!” Conall yelled exuberantly from his perch atop me.