What would it be like if we became lovers? Would it make the situation at the house more difficult? I love to live there. Already, in the short time that we’ve been residents, I view it as our sanctuary. I feel so safe. I couldn’t jeopardise that for Sabina, and I don’t know how we would find somewhere even a fraction as nice on the small rent that we pay. Is becoming closer even a possibility, as he’s still so in love with the memory of Laura?
If Hayden and I were ever to take our relationship to a more intimate level, would it change things? What if I were terrible? I have nothing to measure it by. If something I did failed to please him, what then? Or what if it was marvellous and then Crystal became jealous of our relationship and stopped being my friend? I couldn’t bear that either. What if he used me and then moved on to someone new? I don’t believe that he’d do that, but I couldn’t be sure. Whichever way, my situation would be untenable.
I hear him move next door and my heart and my stomach lurch. Is he, right now, on the other side, feeling the same as I am? What would Crystal do in this situation? She’d be bold and would knock on Hayden’s door wrapped only in this dressing gown. It would drop open slightly, showing him that she was wearing nothing underneath. She would lie with him, make love to him. She wouldn’t fear the things that I do. I press myself against the cool wood, wishing that I was Crystal. Wishing that I had the courage to go to him. Wishing that I knew what it was like to lie with a man that I loved with all of my heart and soul.
But I’m not Crystal. I am me and I don’t have the courage. Instead, I slide down until I’m sitting on the floor, my head resting against the door. Closing my eyes, I wrap my arms around myself and picture Hayden only a few metres away from me, lying alone on his bed. I imagine him waiting to take me in his strong embrace. I imagine him above me in the darkness, his body inside mine. I imagine a life where I love him wholeheartedly and he loves me. I hold myself tightly and I stay here and do nothing.
Chapter Fifty-four
After breakfast they loaded up the car and Hayden headed for Lyme Regis. He had great memories of sunny childhood days spent here, and now, all these years later, it didn’t look so very different.
He parked up at the top of the town and they all took the zig-zag path down through the park to the seafront. Hayden had an overwhelming urge to show Ayesha and Sabina this place, and it startled him as he’d felt exactly the same way at the start of his relationship with Laura, that urge to share what he’d loved as a child.
Yesterday had been about getting away and relaxation. Today was all about fun. He took Ayesha’s hand and they walked down to the harbour, the famous Cobb. The view of the bay was spectacular. The sea sparkled, blue and inviting, in the sunshine. The tang of salt from the sea sharpened his senses. Seagulls wheeled overhead, calling out. The smell of freshly cooked fish and chips from the cafés on the seafront held its own inimitable allure. Despite having just eaten breakfast, his stomach answered with a longing rumble. Perhaps they could sit out here and eat later, if Ayesha and Sabina wanted to, as he’d done as a boy. He could almost taste the crisp golden batter, the fluffiness of the chips. It was good that some things in life never changed. A contented breath escaped his lips as he said, ‘I think this might be my favourite place on Earth.’
‘Then it will be mine too,’ Ayesha said, nestling in close to him. ‘It’s lovely.’
It was strange that he felt closer to his parents down here than he ever did in London. Why was that? In the years since Laura had died, he’d gradually drifted away from them. His mother and father were worried about him, he knew that. The problem was, every time he saw them or spoke to them on the telephone, they tried to jolly him out of his misery. And, to be honest, he’d been content to wallow in it. Soon it was easier not to hear how he should move on, how Laura would want him to enjoy life. They were pointless platitudes and he’d wanted to be left alone to grieve. He realised now that they were simply trying to do their best for him in the only way they knew how, and he was ashamed that he’d distanced himself from them. Perhaps it was time to build bridges.
He looked across at Ayesha. She was a calming influence on his soul, and he was more comfortable in her company than he could ever have imagined. She put no pressure on him, wanted nothing from him. Last night it had been very hard to say good-night to her. He’d wanted nothing more than to take her to his bed, love her and wrap her in his arms. She was so fragile though. Would it have frightened her away completely if he’d made any kind of move on her? He hadn’t even dared try.
He was out of practice. Terribly so. Laura had been his one, his only love. They’d grown up together, learned together. When he was on the road, his band would disappear with the inevitable gaggle of groupies, but that wasn’t for him. Laura had been the only woman he’d ever needed. For someone who’d once been classed as a heart-throb, the ways of women were a total mystery to him. What if he’d got it horribly wrong with Ayesha? He couldn’t risk a clumsy manoeuvre as it could all end in disaster. What they both needed was to take it slowly, very slowly.
They walked past the families playing on the beach and Hayden felt pleased that someone might look at them and think they were a family too. He was wearing his hat today, and sunglasses, but no one was giving them a second glance. If anyone was turning heads it was Ayesha and Sabina, people astonished at how pretty they both were. In a ridiculously old-fashioned way, he felt proud to have them both on his arm.
Soon they were out on the high sea wall which curved round the harbour. It was broad enough for them all to walk along side by side and they joined the other day-trippers as they promenaded. Spray from the waves showered over them. The sun caught the droplets and made rainbows.
‘A book was set here,’ Hayden said. ‘And a film. The French Lieutenant’s Woman.’
‘Is it good?’
‘I’ve never read it,’ he admitted. ‘But I think we’ve got a copy at home. Perhaps we should read it now that we’ve finished with Bridget.’
‘I’d like that.’
They went into the small marine aquarium that had been there as long as he remembered. The grey mullet were tame and could be hand-fed. Sabina wrinkled up her nose as the fish softly sucked the proffered food from her fingers. They stroked a giant lobster and watched a bad-tempered crab with one claw scuttling along the tank and trying to nip the other fish. It took him back years in time, to a place before anything bad had happened in his life. He got a sudden urge to reconnect with that. He should call his parents. Before too long.
Sabina was overjoyed to hold a starfish in her hand.
‘I think you should make a wish,’ Hayden said.
The child closed her eyes and screwed up her face in concentration. When she was finished, she looked first at Hayden and then at Ayesha. She might not be able to speak, but there was no doubt what her wish had been.
Ayesha flushed.
‘Let’s have lunch,’ he said. So they went back out into the sunshine and found a table at a café right next to the beach. The fish and chips, when they came, were every bit as good as he’d hoped. The girls tucked in too. Considering they were both so tiny, they certainly enjoyed their food.
Afterwards they all walked hand-in-hand along the front. Ayesha popped into one of the little boutique shops and bought a lavender cream that she said would help Joy’s chapped hands. He picked up sticks of sweet, stripy rock for them all.
A game of crazy golf on the hill above the bay finished off the day. Sabina was good at it, as she seemed to be at everything she turned her hand to, and Ayesha was unexpectedly competitive. It was only by the skin of his teeth that he beat them with a last jammy shot through the windmill.
Too quickly it seemed the sun was lowering in the sky and they’d yet to tackle the long drive home.
‘Let’s not go back,’ he whispered to Ayesha. ‘We could run away from it all. Make a new life down here away from all our troubles. Let’s stay here for ever. Just you, me and Beanie.’
?
??We can’t.’
‘What’s stopping us?’
‘Sabina has school. And what about Joy and Crystal? We can’t leave them.’
‘But we could,’ he said. ‘One day?’
‘I’d like that very much,’ she conceded. ‘One day.’
‘Ayesha…’ he breathed deeply.
‘Yes?’
He wanted to tell her that he loved her. The words were on the tip of his tongue. The moment was right, he was sure. But what if he frightened her off? It might be too soon for her. She’d only just escaped from one relationship, so, despite the signs, maybe she wasn’t ready for another one. The last thing he wanted, after the wonderful time that they’d had together, was to come on too heavy.
She frowned at him and he wanted nothing more than to smooth away the worried furrows in her brow. ‘Is everything all right?’
‘It’s fine,’ he said. Then he chickened out completely. ‘I only wanted to say that I’ve had a great time.’
Chapter Fifty-five
On Monday morning at nine-thirty sharp, Crystal and I are both waiting for Joy at the foot of the stairs.
It was a long drive back last night and when we returned home we went straight to bed. I found it very hard to say good-night to Hayden and let him climb the stairs to his own room. It was a weekend that I never wanted to end.
While I was away with Hayden, Crystal has been very busy. She’s assembled a vast array of nail polishes and equipment that she insists we can’t live without.
‘Have you seen these sparkles?’ she says to me, showing me a sheet of pink diamanté decorations. Her voice is breathless with awe.
‘They’re very pretty,’ I tell her. ‘Do you think the ladies will like them?’
‘What’s not to love?’ Crystal says.
As we’re organising ourselves to leave, Hayden comes down the stairs. My heart starts up an erratic beat when I see him. He looks as if he’s just woken. His eyes are heavy with sleep, he’s unshaven and his hair is very messy, but he still looks beautiful to me. ‘I wanted to wish you both good luck.’
I missed him so much at breakfast today. After our weekend together, I wondered whether things might have changed between us, but I don’t think that they have. Apart from the briefest of kisses on Saturday night, there was no intimacy between us at all.
Crystal greeted us at the door last night, brimming with excitement about today’s visit to the day centre. Although she winked at me once, she didn’t have the opportunity to quiz me about the weekend. I’m sure she will today.
‘Why don’t you take the car?’ Hayden suggests.
‘It’s only a short walk away,’ Joy says. ‘Fifteen minutes at the most.’
Hayden nods at the pile of equipment at Crystal’s feet. ‘Have you seen all the stuff they’ve got? You’d need a dozen sherpas.’
Joy frowns.
‘We want to do the job properly,’ Crystal says. ‘I’ve got pink sparkles and everything.’
Now Joy rolls her eyes towards the heavens, which makes me smile.
I admit that I’m quite nervous about my first day at work. The ladies will only be paying us a small amount for a manicure today, to try us out, but if they like what we do, we’re hoping that it will be a regular booking.
‘Will you be back in time to collect Beanie?’ Hayden asks me.
‘I should be.’
‘If there’s any problem, just call. I’m happy to walk up to the school for her.’
‘Thank you.’
He and I exchange a shy, warm glance and I wonder if it’s right to say that nothing has changed between us.
‘Let’s get a move on then, girls,’ Joy says.
Hayden tosses the car keys to Crystal and she catches them deftly. ‘I promise not to wrap it round a bollard.’
His face darkens.
‘Sorry.’ She tuts at herself. ‘That was a twattish thing to say.’
‘Be careful. Please. Now you’ve got me worried sick. Perhaps I should drive you.’
‘We’ll be fine,’ she insists, scooping her box of nail polishes into her arms. ‘You fuss too much. I’ll bring Ayesha safely home to you.’
‘I’d be very happy if you’d do that.’
‘Laters!’ Crystal waves at him over her shoulder as she heads for the door. I pick up a pretty pink holdall that contains I-don’t-know-what and wave in the same manner.
‘What have you got in here?’ Joy mutters as she picks up yet another box. ‘The kitchen sink? You’re doing a few manicures, Crystal, not moving in.’
‘Chill out, Joy. I used to be a Girl Guide. I need to be well prepared.’
‘If you were ever a Girl Guide, I’ll eat my hat. You obviously never got your cookery badge.’
‘I was off that day,’ Crystal retorts.
Hayden steps forward into the bickering. ‘Here, let me give you a hand.’ He lifts the last of the bags, carries it out to the car and helps us to load up the boot.
Finally, we’re all bundled in too. Crystal’s driving, Joy’s in the passenger seat and I’m in the back.
‘Please drive carefully,’ Hayden reiterates. ‘Please.’
Crystal kisses him through the open window. ‘You worry too much. I’ll look after her.’ Then she puts the car into gear with an unnerving crunch, and we swing out of the gates. As they close behind us, I turn to wave at Hayden again.
He looks so forlorn standing there by himself, and I wonder how he is going to fill his hours without us.
The Constance Fields Day Centre is a short drive away on the other side of the Heath, and Crystal gets us there without incident. The building is low, squat and unattractively plain. We unload the car and carry our wares inside. There seems to be a lot of equipment and, despite my training, I don’t know what any of it is. I’m only hoping that Crystal knows what she’s bought.
The centre is alarmingly hot inside and smells of artificial air freshener in a scent that may be pine, or a spiky attempt at lavender. Joy leads us through into the large day room, where old-fashioned upright armchairs are arranged in groups. The carpet is highly patterned, as are the curtains, and there’s a slight air of neglect. But the room is bright and sunny due to a large wall of windows facing the well-tended garden. Outside tells a completely different story, and I wonder if Joy helps them out here too, as the borders look as if they’re as meticulously maintained as those at Hayden’s house. I’m sure I can see her deft touch here.
The other people who are arriving seem to be just as sprightly as Joy, and the living room is soon filled with the sound of happy chatter.
‘You’re lovely ladies,’ one man comes to tell us. ‘You’ll brighten up our day no end.’ He nods at Crystal. ‘You look like that Katie Price, love.’
‘Cheeky bugger.’
‘She does, doesn’t she, Ted?’
Another elderly gentleman joins him. ‘Aye, she does. If I were twenty years younger . . . !’
‘Make it fifty and we’d be talking,’ Crystal teases.
Even if we’re not a hit with the ladies, Crystal already has her fans among the men.
‘You two reprobates leave young Crystal alone,’ Joy chides. ‘Make yourselves useful and go and get that tea urn on the go.’ She rolls her eyes at us as they go off giggling like naughty schoolboys. ‘Too much Viagra,’ Joy says tightly. ‘I bet there are many women who rue the day that was invented. I’ll make everyone a cup of tea.’ She disappears in the direction of the kitchen.
‘Look what lovely jubbly stuff I got for us,’ Crystal says as she unpacks little boxes to reveal pretty nail varnishes and accessories. ‘I found a local beauty warehouse online and shot up there yesterday while you were gallivanting at the seaside with Hayden.’
‘I do not think that I was gallivanting,’ I counter.
‘And I do not think that you’re going to get away without telling me all about it, miss,’ she mimics. ‘Here, have a gander at this little beauty.’ Crystal opens a sizeable box and slides
out a portable manicure table. ‘This will make life easier for us. Forty quid apiece. Cheap as chips.’
That may be, but the cost of this venture is steadily mounting. My heart flutters with anxiety. Soon I’ll have very little of my savings left.
‘Don’t stress about the money,’ she says as if reading my mind. ‘I’ve got it covered.’
‘I can’t let you pay for everything.’
‘I’ve battered my credit card. Let’s sort it out when we start earning.’
So we set up the nail bars side by side and Crystal tops them with a selection of rainbow-coloured nail varnishes. She hands me a roll of manicure tools and a new fluffy towel in the palest pink.
‘This is all lovely. You’ve done very well.’
She waves away my compliment. ‘Quick, before we start, you need to give me the low-down. Did it go well at the weekend with Hayd?’ she asks me quietly. Or as quietly as Crystal can.
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘It was a spur-of-the-moment decision for us to go. I’m sorry that you couldn’t come with us.’
‘Yeah. Like I want to play gooseberry to you lovebirds.’
I laugh. ‘It wasn’t like that. We sat on the beach all day on Saturday and on Sunday we went to Lyme Regis. Sabina loved it. This was her first ever trip to the seaside.’
‘Oh, bless. I do wish I’d been there.’
‘We’ll go again. Hayden promised. All of us.’
‘It’s nice to see you out and about. Both you and Hayd.’
‘I’m very glad that we went.’
‘Sleeping arrangements?’ Crystal says. ‘I need to know.’
‘We didn’t plan to stay over. It was a last-minute decision.’
‘I don’t care about that bit.’ She pulls an exasperated face at me. ‘I want details. Nitty-gritty. Did Hayd have his wicked way with you?’
‘Separate rooms,’ I confess, casting my eyes down. ‘All night long.’