Crystal and I look at each other, baffled.
‘I’m very pleased to tell you that you’ve been shortlisted in the Caring for the Community category.’
Now there’s much clapping and grinning.
‘There’s a cheque for twenty-five pounds for each of you for reaching the finals, and next week we’ll find out who is the winner. There’ll be a ceremony at the Town Hall that we’d like you to attend.’
‘Wow,’ Crystal says. She looks quite moved. ‘I’ve never won anything before. That’s really nice of you.’
‘Yes,’ I agree. ‘Thank you so much. It’s very kind.’
‘Nonsense,’ Edgar says. ‘We all love having you here, don’t we?’
A cheer goes up.
‘Now we must keep our fingers crossed for the big prize,’ he finishes.
Everyone comes to hug and congratulate us. I’m feeling very thrilled as I, like Crystal, have never been put forward for an award before. It’s a very big honour for me.
‘Well done, my lovelies,’ Joy says, and she kisses us both. ‘I think I should get the tea urn going.’
‘I think we should open a bottle of fizz when we get home,’ Crystal says.
‘Why don’t we have a barbecue tonight? That would be nice.’
‘Great idea,’ she says. ‘I’m up for that.’
‘Edgar,’ I say to the manager, ‘would you like to come to our home tonight for a small celebration? While the weather is fine, I thought we’d have a barbecue.’
‘I’d like that very much, Ayesha. Thank you.’
‘Crystal will text you the address.’ My friend stands there, looking stunned.
‘I look forward to it. Here’s my number.’ He reels it off while Crystal rushes to tap it into her mobile. Then he grins at Crystal and moves away. ‘See you later.’
When he’s out of earshot, I turn to Crystal. ‘There you are. That wasn’t so hard.’
‘You beaut!’ Crystal pinches my cheeks. ‘What a result. A date with the delectable Edgar. That’s better than any naffing “community award”.’
Chapter Sixty-five
‘We’ve won an award,’ I tell Hayden when we get home. We’re sitting together in the garden with a well-earned cup of tea. ‘Well, we’ve been shortlisted for the finals. But it’s still nice and, even if we don’t win overall, both Crystal and I get a cheque for twenty-five pounds.’
‘Well done.’ He comes to hug me and I enjoy the warmth of his body against mine. ‘Haven’t you got a clever mummy?’ he says to Sabina.
My daughter is at my side colouring in a book with pencils that Crystal bought her as a treat. My friend was so thrilled to learn that my daughter is able to sing, but she’s not yet heard her.
‘I hope you don’t mind but I invited Edgar, the manager from Constance Fields, to the house for a small celebration this evening. Crystal has a soft spot for him and I thought it would be nice for them to be able to spend some time together, to get to know each other.’
‘Matchmaking, eh?’
I smile. ‘Maybe a little bit. Can we have a barbecue?’
‘Great idea. It’s a fabulous evening and it’ll be nice to have some more testosterone here for once.’
I think back to a time, not so long ago, when I wouldn’t have dared to breathe, let alone invite a male friend around for dinner or organise an impromptu barbecue. Now, not only can I do that, I also have my very first award. A small recognition that I’m a worthy part of society. I’m growing as a person and I think that I rather like it.
‘I’ve written a song today,’ Hayden says. ‘It’s rough, but I think it could be a good one.’
‘I’d like to hear it.’
‘Not yet,’ he says. ‘But soon. You’ll be the first to hear it, I promise.’ He levers himself from his deckchair. ‘I’ll get the barbecue going.’
‘Edgar’s coming at six o’clock.’
‘We’ll not see Crystal before then,’ is Hayden’s assessment. ‘She’ll be too busy preening herself.’
‘I heard that. Cheeky bugger.’ Crystal comes out of the kitchen. ‘I’m actually coming to pimp the garden. Thought I’d open up the summerhouse.’
‘Hayden’s going to light the barbecue. I’ll make some side dishes.’
‘Can we have something that doesn’t involve Joy’s tomatoes? I’m going to look like one soon.’
‘Only a few tomatoes,’ I concede.
‘I’m quite nervous about Edgar coming,’ she admits. ‘What am I going to say to him?’
‘I’m sure that won’t be a problem, Crystal.’
‘You’re not normally lost for words,’ Hayden chips in.
‘Shut up, you two,’ Crystal complains. ‘You’re not helping. This is important to me. He’s a nice guy.’
‘You’ll be fine,’ I assure her.
‘I hope so,’ she mutters and wanders off down the garden.
Hayden and I exchange a glance.
‘He is nice,’ I say. ‘You’ll like him.’ If Hayden feels strange about Crystal bringing a potential date back here then he doesn’t say so.
‘I’ll get some sounds rigged up out here too,’ he offers. ‘An evening like this is perfect for a party.’
‘I’ll go to help Crystal before I start on the food.’ I don’t like to see her so anxious and I follow her down the garden, enjoying the feel of the grass on my bare feet.
The warmth of summer is held in the garden, embraced by the high walls. The scents are heady in the early evening, richly perfumed roses mixing with sweet peas and lavender. Pretty butterflies flit among the thick purple blooms of the buddleia. A large willow tree, in full leaf, hangs low to the grass.
Crystal has opened the doors to the summerhouse and is brushing away cobwebs with her hand. ‘It could do with a good clean,’ she says. ‘It’s a shame it’s never used properly. I had to give the doors a good yank to get them open at all. Looks like Joy’s been using it to store overflow garden equipment and plant pots.’
Sure enough, there’s an assortment of spades and forks leaning against the walls. A tall stack of terracotta pots that tilts like the Leaning Tower of Pisa graces one corner.
‘We could get rid of this stuff. Put it back in the shed,’ Crystal suggests.
‘Joy won’t mind?’
‘Of course she will. She grumbles about everything. Wouldn’t Beanie love it as a playhouse?’
‘I’m sure she would.’
Together we pull out some fading striped deckchairs and dust them down.
‘There’s some bunting too.’ Crystal pulls out a tangled string of fabric flags made from all different kinds of floral fabric.
‘This is very pretty.’
‘We can hang it between the trees. Give me a hand, Ayesha.’ She drags a small stepladder from the summerhouse and I help her to tie the bunting on to the branches until it criss-crosses the bottom of the garden. ‘Fab,’ Crystal says as she admires our handiwork. ‘We should leave it up all summer. It brightens up the garden no end. Wish we had some lights too. Perhaps I’ll ask Hayden if we can get some.’
I brush off my hands. ‘I’d better go and make a start on the food.’
‘Thanks for doing this.’
‘It’ll be fun,’ I assure her. ‘Just relax and enjoy it.’
Crystal catches my arm. ‘I’m worried,’ she says. ‘Proper worried. I really like Edgar, Ayesha, but he doesn’t know what I used to do.’
‘You’ll find the right time to tell him.’
‘What if he legs it?’
‘Edgar’s a nice man. I’m sure he’ll understand. If he doesn’t, then he’s not the man we think he is.’
Suddenly her eyes brim with tears. ‘I’ve got so many secrets and I’m tired of them.’ Her spirit sags and I look at her with concern. Normally Crystal would bounce back with a witty quip, but she doesn’t.
‘You can tell me, if it helps.’ Instead of leaving, I sit back down in one of the deckchairs and pat the other.
Cr
ystal joins me and we sit silently for a few moments as I wait patiently for her to speak. The sound of someone mowing a lawn in another garden drifts towards us. In one of the trees a bird competes by singing out sweetly.
Eventually she lets out a wavering sigh. ‘I had a child, Ayesha. A little boy.’ Tears roll down her cheeks. ‘I never tell anyone this.’ Another shuddering breath. ‘He died when he was a few months old.’
‘Oh, Crystal. I am so sorry.’ I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose a child.
‘Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. That’s what they called it.’ She brushes away a tear, but another is quick to take its place. ‘It seems such a cold and clinical title to describe something so devastating. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out.’
‘What was your baby’s name?’
‘Max. Named for his daddy. Bastard that he turned out to be.’
‘You didn’t stay with Max’s father?’
‘Not for long. If I’m honest, he was never really mine at all. I met him at the club I was working at. A much more glamorous one in those days. He was well known, with a high-profile marriage.’
‘Oh.’
She raises an eyebrow at me. ‘I can always pick them.’ Crystal twists her hair in her fingers and gazes up at the towering tree above us. ‘I adored him. Even then, even when I fell pregnant, I knew there wouldn’t be a happy ending for me.’
‘You wanted him to leave his wife?’
‘Of course. But there was no chance of that. I thought he’d want nothing more to do with me when he found out about the baby, but I was wrong on that count. He supported me financially when Max was born, and he wanted me. Yet he didn’t want to see his own child. That much he made clear. How could someone be so cold towards their own son? It broke my heart.’ She shakes her head sadly at the memory. ‘Max’s father wasn’t even around for the birth. I shared a flat with a good friend from the club, Billie. She came with me to the hospital and was my birth partner when the time came. She helped me so much, but it’s not the same, is it?’
‘It must have been a terrible situation.’
‘It was. I had money enough, but that wasn’t what I needed.’ She turns to me and her face is the picture of misery. ‘I could have stayed at home with him, you know. Looked after him like a proper mum. At least for a short while. I didn’t though. I went back to the club pretty much straight away. I exercised like a fiend to get back in shape. You see, it was the only time I saw his father. I thought if I kept the relationship going, then things would change, that he’d eventually come and see Max and fall in love with him. You should have seen my baby, Ayesha.’ Crystal smiles at me through her tears. ‘He was so beautiful. Perfect in every way. I used to sit for hours gazing at his tiny fingers and toes, his little rosebud mouth. And he’d come from me. That was the most amazing part of all. The biggest fuck-up of all time had managed to produce this amazing little bundle of delight. I swore then that I was going to turn my life around. For Max’s sake.’ She sags back into her deckchair.
‘What happened?’
‘One night I was at the club and Billie was babysitting for me. As I said, she was great. She loved Max like he was her own and gave me a hand whenever she could. I came back at three in the morning and was so happy as his father had finally agreed to come and meet him. I knew he’d adore him on sight. We’d had a great night together and I thought everything was going to be all right for once. I was over the moon, I felt as if I was walking on air. The first thing I did was go straight into Max’s room to look at him. I wanted him to know that his daddy was finally coming to meet him.’
She hugs her arms around herself. ‘I stood there staring at him in the glow of his nightlight, my perfect little cherub fast asleep in his cot. Except he wasn’t.’ Her words catch in her throat and now I cry with her. ‘When I brushed his cheek it was cold, Ayesha. As cold as the grave. When I left to be with his father, he was warm and soft and when I came back he was chilled like marble.’
‘Oh, Crystal.’ I lean across and hold her while she sobs. Eventually she brushes her tears away with her arm.
‘I went to pieces,’ she continues. ‘Not surprisingly. I couldn’t work for ages. I was a total mess. I drank too much and took all kinds of shit to try to block out the pain. That’s why I ended up running up so many debts. When I went back to the club, my heart wasn’t in it and there were too many scenes in front of the punters. The night I left with Hayden, I never went back to that club at all, never saw Max’s father again. When I finally got my act together, they wouldn’t take me back. I was too old, a has-been, more trouble than I was worth. The only job I could get was at that rancid club you came to. I took it. At least it helped me to start paying off what I owe. I sort of saw it as my punishment, too. As if I wasn’t worthy of anything better.’
‘Of course you are.’
‘It’s wrong to lose a child, Ayesha. Against nature. He was so flawless. Like an angel. He didn’t deserve to die like that.’
‘There was nothing you could have done.’
‘Is that true? I’ve tortured myself over the years. What if I hadn’t gone back to work so quickly? I was in such a hurry to resume my relationship with his father, I didn’t really consider the alternatives. In my head, I was doing it for Max. But what if I’d been at home with him that night instead of Billie? Would I have known instinctively that my boy was dying? Mothers know these things, don’t they?’
‘They do,’ I agree. ‘Sometimes. However, that doesn’t mean that they can always prevent them.’
‘I think about him every single day.’
‘We can all hurt ourselves with “What if?”,’ I tell her. ‘I wonder, if I’d left my husband sooner, would Sabina still be able to speak? It’s my fault that she is as she is.’
‘You’re doing the right thing now,’ Crystal says. ‘I’ll never have that chance.’
‘There’ll be other children. They’ll never replace Max, but you’ll be a mother again one day. I know it.’
‘God, I hope you’re right. Having Beanie here has been totes brilliant. She’s a great kid. It’s made me realise that I’m broody. I’d love another baby. I’d be a nightmare though! How could I ever let the child out of my sight even for a moment?’
‘You’ll find a way.’
‘I’d like to take you to see Max.’
‘I’d very much like that.’ Then, a question I have to ask. ‘Does Hayden know?’
‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘We used to pour our hearts out together when I first got here. He was the first man after… after it happened. We were both in pain. I think that’s why I ended up staying here. Two lost souls together.’
‘Joy doesn’t know though?’
‘No,’ Crystal says. ‘Not Joy. I think she’d disapprove.’
‘She wouldn’t, you know,’ I assure her. ‘She loves you very much.’
‘Maybe.’ She shrugs. ‘I feel as if I don’t deserve anyone’s love. I’m so ashamed of the things I’ve done, Ayesha.’
‘We’ve all had to do things that we didn’t want to in order to survive.’ I get a flashback to Suresh striking me, and me bending to his will, whatever it involved. Quickly I push the image away. Both Crystal and I have known pain. ‘That’s the past,’ I tell her. ‘Now you’re going towards a new future. Take it slowly.’
‘I’m not sure there’s going to be any other way with Edgar.’ She rolls her eyes ruefully.
‘That’s a good thing. Get to know each other.’ I speak from the experience of a woman who married a man that she didn’t know. ‘You’re looking for a husband now, not a one-night stand.’
‘You’re right,’ she says. ‘Of course you are. I’m just so used to jumping into bed with someone straight away. But I’m done with that. That was the old me, and I think that sends out all the wrong messages. I want someone to love and respect me for who I am. I’m going to do it differently this time.’
‘You and me both,’ I confide.
‘Thanks.
You’re a good listener.’ She hugs me. ‘God, I’m emotionally exhausted.’
‘We’ll have fun tonight. Laugh with Edgar and see what the future brings.’
‘I’ll drink to that,’ she says.
‘We are women on a journey.’
‘Yeah,’ Crystal agrees thoughtfully. ‘We are.’ She grins at me. ‘And now your journey needs to take in the kitchen, otherwise there’ll be nothing to eat tonight.’
Chapter Sixty-six
The barbecue’s hot, the food nearly ready. Hayden’s busy at the grill and the scent of sizzling sausages and char-grilled chicken is making us all hungry. Crystal has sworn off alcohol for the evening and has made a punch with fresh orange, cranberry juice and lemonade. She’s flitting about nervously, glass in hand. After our talk, she went inside to wash her face and has put on a pretty white sundress and sparkly flip-flops. Her hair is loose and she’s wearing very little make-up. She looks so beautiful, and my heart goes out to my friend. I hope that this man will be good to her.
When Edgar arrives he’s freshly showered, with clean hair. His face is clean-shaven and shining. Even his shirt is tucked in all the way round. Our guest is holding a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers that are wilting a little in the heat. He looks every bit as nervous as Crystal when we answer the door.
‘Come into the garden,’ I tell him. ‘Don’t be shy. You’re among friends.’
‘I had not expected such a large house,’ he confides.
‘Looks can be deceptive,’ Crystal says. ‘Half the rooms are uninhabitable.’
As we go out to the garden, Edgar gives the flowers to Crystal with an embarrassed smile. When Hayden comes over, he hands the wine to him.
‘Nice to meet you, Edgar.’ Hayden shakes his hand. ‘It makes a change not to be the only man about the house.’
‘This is my daughter, Sabina.’ I introduce her to Edgar. Solemnly she shakes his hand. ‘She doesn’t speak.’ I tell him. ‘Not yet.’
‘Very pleased to meet you, Sabina,’ he says politely, and she graces him with a shy smile. ‘I have a little girl too. Beatrise. She’s six.’