‘I don’t know.’ I never knew what my husband’s movements were even when I lived with him. Inside, I shiver with apprehension. I wouldn’t like to think that he, or someone he knows, will see me. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘You look different too,’ she offers. ‘I bet he wouldn’t even recognise you. You’re smiling, for a start. Look at that cheesy grin.’
I smile again, though I believe my lips are actually sticking to my teeth in terror.
‘You didn’t do much of that when you first came to the house.’ Crystal chews anxiously at her lip. ‘I wish we’d used your fake name now though. But I didn’t want it to be wrong on the bowl though. You’ve worked too hard for the credit to go to someone fictitious.’
‘I’m sure you’re right. It will all be fine. Nothing came of the photograph that was snapped of Hayden and me.’
‘And that was much more risky,’ she notes.
‘Yes.’ But deep down, there’s a knot of disquiet in my soul.
‘You’re safe with us,’ she reassures me. ‘Hayden would never let anything happen to you. The house is like bloody Fort Knox too. No one could break in there. There’s really nothing to worry about.’
I am worried though. Perhaps I should have done the same as Hayden and faded into the background, let Crystal take the glory by herself. I was too full of my own pride and, against my better judgement, wanted to have my picture in the local newspaper. I wanted people to see that I was a good person of some worth. Plus I wanted to appear grateful to the people who’d nominated me. What would they have thought if I’d shied away from the press and gone to hide?
But what if, in putting these things first, I’ve placed Sabina and myself in danger?
‘I should be more concerned than you,’ Crystal says. ‘The club was only down the road. What if this lot find out that I was a lapdancer? It could give some of them flipping heart failure.’ She nods towards one of the elderly men. ‘Ted would be a prime candidate.’
I giggle when I shouldn’t. ‘You are terrible,’ I tell her.
‘You know it’s true.’
‘Have you told Edgar yet?’
‘Sort of,’ she says evasively. ‘I’m edging towards it. I’ve told him that I have a dark and murky past. Just not the details.’
‘He still seems keen.’
Her face softens and she smiles. ‘He does, doesn’t he? I really like him, Ayesha. Really like him.’
‘There’s a lot that’s likeable about him.’
Then we notice some of the ladies glancing at their watches. ‘This lot are champing at the bit,’ Crystal tuts. ‘We’re in demand now that we’re famous. Are we ready?’
‘Yes,’ I tell her. ‘I’m ready.’
‘Perhaps we can put our prices up now that we’re “award-winning manicurists”.’
I laugh out loud.
‘That’s better,’ Crystal says. ‘I don’t want you fretting about this.’
‘No,’ I tell her. ‘I won’t.’
However, try as I might to be jolly, there’s an underlying gnawing of doubt in my mind. I wonder how long and how far I’ll have to run from my husband to be certain that Sabina and I are safe. Will part of me always wonder if he’s suddenly going to come to take us back?
If Suresh were to see this, then surely he wouldn’t trouble to find us. Too much time has passed. I hope in my heart that he will have let us go.
Chapter Sixty-nine
It was two in the morning and Suresh’s eyes were gritty with sleep. He’d been staring at the plans of the jeweller’s shop for the last hour, making sure they were imprinted on his brain. Everything was in place now. Smith had got the hardware. They’d got two fast motorbikes with false plates which Flynn and Smith were going to ride, with him and Arunja as pillion.
The bikes were now stashed in a lock-up garage in Netherfield. This raid was going to be daring, audacious, the most exciting thing he’d ever done. It would elevate him to the status of folk hero. No longer would he be a nobody. He’d have more money than he’d know what to do with, and he could get out of this hovel and into his own place. Not a modest little terrace. Something big and flashy that told the world to fuck off. His parents would finally give him the respect he deserved rather than always seeing his waster of a brother as the favoured son. He’d get himself a modern, British woman who wore tight clothes and plenty of make-up. He was done with mousy women from some godforsaken village. He’d thought that was the kind of woman who’d admire him, and look where that had got him.
All they had to do was settle on the date for their raid. He wanted it to be as soon as possible. His whole body was itching for it to be done. There was nothing more he could do now without talking to Flynn, Smith and Arunja, so he folded the plans away and pulled the laptop towards him. Adrenalin was pumping through his veins and he knew sleep would be impossible. Pouring himself another glass of whisky, he clicked on to Google. His parents had long gone to bed and there was nothing to bother him at this hour. The house was quiet, still. It was a good time to watch porn undisturbed. Before he did, he’d take a minute to look at one more thing. He’d put a Google Alert on Ayesha and Sabina’s names and every night he checked what the search had thrown up. Every night it came back with nothing.
He should move on. He knew that. So what if she’d gone? He wasn’t any worse off without her. Better, if anything. When he came home late at night, or not at all, he didn’t have to look at her reproachful face or endure his sullen, silent child. No, he thought, they were better off gone. He didn’t want her back. Now he was free to find a woman who could love him in the way he thought he deserved. A woman with scarlet-red lips, big breasts and willing eyes. Women like the ones he watched dance in those dark clubs like Desires that Arunja liked so much, like the ones on the porn sites. Those women would do anything he wanted.
The words blurred before his eyes as he scrolled down the page. Then, just as he was about to give up and click to something more satisfying, there it was in black and white.
Ayesha Rasheed.
Suresh could hardly believe his own eyes. But it was right there in front of him.
Ayesha Rasheed. His Ayesha?
He hit the link and waited impatiently until the article appeared in full. There was the prickle of anticipation in his blood and his palms grew damp. It was from the online site for the Ham & High newspaper, and Suresh blessed his good fortune.
It was her. And his heart raced.
There was a picture of his wife and another, tarty-looking woman holding up a glass bowl. He peered closely. Ayesha looked different. Her hair was loose and she was smiling broadly for the camera. She was beautiful, he thought. How long had it been since he’d noticed that?
He read through the piece, his heart pounding in his chest. So she was working at some old persons’ day centre and she’d won an award. It looked as if she was finally trying to make something of herself. Well, he’d soon put a stop to that.
Before they did the job at the jeweller’s, he’d have to sort this. The boys might not be happy, but it needed to be done. When this was finished, when his wife and his daughter were gone for good, he’d be able to think straight again.
The article gave the name and address of the day centre where she was working. Constance Fields. How convenient. That would make it easy enough to track her down. He shook his head with incredulity at the simplicity of it after all this time. He’d get Flynn to follow her to where she lived. Now he had to decide what to do.
Suresh rubbed his hands together, grinning to himself in the darkness. He topped up his whisky again and gave a solitary toast to his luck. He’d known that one day she would slip up. And she’d done just that. Now he had her.
Chapter Seventy
I curl in to Hayden’s side on the sofa. Every evening, when Sabina has gone to bed, we read Great Expectations by Mr Charles Dickens, and it’s a very gripping story. My heart is in my mouth as we learn about the fate of poor Pip and Estella and the horrible Miss Havisham. My sou
l aches for the bullying that Pip has to endure, and I can only hope that he’ll triumph at the end. I’ll read it again to my friends at the day centre as I’m sure they’d like it too.
As we finish the chapter, I glance up at the man by my side. I don’t think that I’ve ever been as contented. If this is love, then I never knew it could be so beautiful, so gentle. My fingers stroke his cheek and I notice that he’s frowning. ‘What is it?’
‘I’ve been thinking.’ He turns my hand and brushes a soft kiss against the palm. ‘I should go to see my parents. It’s been too long and they’re not getting any younger.’
‘You should. It’s not good for families to be apart.’
‘You miss your mother and father?’
‘Very much. I’d love to see my parents again,’ I tell him. ‘I worry about them all the time. Mine are halfway across the world, yet yours are so close. It’s wrong not to speak to them.’
‘I know,’ Hayden agrees. ‘It’s really bad of me to have left it so long and I want to put it right as soon as I can. I thought I’d drive up to their house at the weekend. Will you and Sabina come with me? I really want you to meet them.’
‘I’d like that.’ Although I’d feel quite anxious about meeting Hayden’s parents.
‘They’re nice people,’ he says. ‘There’s nothing to worry about. I’m the one who’s at fault.’
‘You should call them first. Make your peace.’
‘Yes,’ he agrees. ‘It wouldn’t do to turn up unannounced. Not after all this time.’ He kisses me again and pulls me closer. ‘They’ll love you and Sabina as much as I do. You’ll see.’
‘I don’t want them to think she’s simple.’
‘Of course they won’t. Anyone can see she’s quick and clever. You mustn’t worry too much about her. She will talk again one day. When she’s ready. I’m sure she will. In the meantime, you’ve got a lot to be thankful for. Beanie’s healthy and happy. She’s doing brilliantly at school and she’s a natural on the piano.’
‘I don’t know where she gets that from. There are no talented musicians in our family, but thank you for encouraging her.’
Sabina and Hayden play together nearly every afternoon when she comes home from school, and he’s gradually teaching her more complex tunes. Often now she sings along with him. But as yet that’s done nothing to unlock her speaking voice. For the moment, I’m happy to listen to her in whichever way she chooses. It gives me hope that, one day soon, we’ll be able to talk like mother and daughter again.
‘You’re not worried about the piece in the newspaper now?’ he asks.
‘No,’ I tell him. ‘Not now. Weeks have gone by and nothing has happened. I don’t know how Suresh would have seen it. You were right all along and I was worrying unnecessarily.’
‘I can put some extra security in if you’d like. It’s easily done.’
‘There’s no need.’ Already there are tall gates, an intercom system and CCTV cameras. Apart from assigning personal bodyguards to us, I don’t know what else Hayden could do.
‘I want you to feel completely safe.’
‘I do.’ My head rests on his shoulder. ‘When I’m here with you, I’ve never felt more secure.’ We fall into silence again, but the frown doesn’t go from Hayden’s brow. ‘Is this all that’s troubling you?’
‘I had an unexpected call this afternoon,’ he tells me. There’s a long pause before he continues, as if he’s weighing the words. ‘It was the producer of The Fame Game. The talent show I won, which got me started in the music business. They want me to go on it as a judge.’
‘You’re pleased by this? Is it what you want?’
‘I don’t know,’ he admits. ‘I thought I’d done with all that, but I’ve started writing again and some of the songs I’m churning out are good. I want people to hear them.’
‘I’d like to hear them too. You said that I’d be the very first.’
‘Not yet,’ he says, too fast. Then, more softly, ‘You’ll definitely be the first though when I’m ready. I still feel nervous about anyone hearing them.’ Then he sighs wearily. ‘The question is, do I want a wider audience for them? There’s no doubt my fans still want me to do more, but I can’t forget there’s a price to pay. If I were to go back into the public eye again, what would that mean for us?’
If I’m honest, I don’t like to consider it.
He must see the frightened expression on my face because he quickly says, ‘I’m only kicking thoughts around, Ayesha. It’s nice for me to be asked to go back into the spotlight. A stupid part of me is grateful that I haven’t been forgotten, but that’s a long way from wanting all the madness again that goes with it.’
He takes my hand in his and toys with my fingers.
‘Whatever happens, it has to be the best for you and Sabina. You mean more to me than anything. You know that.’ He looks deep into my eyes. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking.’
‘You must do as you wish. Music makes your heart come alive. Even I, who can’t play a single note, can tell that.’ I return his gaze steadily. ‘If you want to sing again, then you mustn’t deny it.’
‘I do,’ he says flatly. ‘There are songs swirling inside me where once I was empty.’
‘That’s a good thing.’
‘I won’t let anything bad happen like it did before. I promise you that.’
But how will he stop it? I wonder.
Chapter Seventy-one
Today we’re due to go to see Hayden’s parents, but Sabina isn’t well. My daughter’s been up all night with a tummy bug and, this morning, is listless and tired. She needs to rest and be quiet to regain her strength. It’s not the day for travelling a long way in a car and then meeting important new people. Hayden wanted to cancel his trip and stay here, but I’ve told him he mustn’t do that. He’s made tentative contact with his parents and he shouldn’t let them down. It’s more important that he builds bridges with them, and to cancel his visit today would be a mistake.
‘I’ll miss you,’ Hayden says. We’re standing in the hall by the front door and he’s ready to leave, but still reluctant to go without us. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close. ‘As soon as I get there, I’ll call you to see how Sabina is.’
‘She’ll be fine. The worst is over, I’m sure. All she needs is rest.’
‘And plenty of fluids.’
I nod my agreement. At one o’clock this morning I shooed him back to his own room as I didn’t want him driving a long way after a disturbed night. ‘I’m so sorry that we can’t come with you,’ I tell him. ‘I hope that it all goes well with your parents. I’m sure they’ll be very happy to see you.’
‘It seems ridiculous, but I’m a bit nervous,’ he says. ‘I could have done with you for moral support.’
My lips brush his. ‘You’ll be fine. You’re their son and they love you. They’ll be so happy to see you again.’ While I wouldn’t have chosen for Sabina to be ill, part of me thinks that this is a journey Hayden needs to make on his own. We should meet his parents together when their relationship is repaired. They’ll have a lot to talk about and it’s better, I feel, that Sabina and I aren’t under their feet.
‘I’ll be back tonight,’ he says. ‘I’ll try to get home in time for dinner.’
‘You must take as long as you need,’ I tell him. ‘There’s no rush. We’re going nowhere. We’ll be here waiting for you.’
He gives me a final, deep kiss. ‘I count on it.’
I watch him go out of the door and get into his car. The security gates swing open and I wave as he pulls out into the leafy street.
Back in the kitchen, I make tea and take a cup to Joy, who’s been up and about for hours. She’s in the garden, pottering around in the greenhouse.
‘Some tea.’ I put the mug down on her bench.
She smooths a strand of hair from her eyes and leaves a smut of soil on her cheek. I brush it away with my thumb.
‘Thought you were off to Hayden’s parents today?
’
‘Sabina’s unwell. She was up and down all night with a poorly tummy.’
‘Poor lamb,’ Joy says. ‘I didn’t hear a thing. I slept like the dead. Hayden’s gone on his own then?’
‘Yes. He was a little nervous, and I’m worried about him,’ I confide. ‘I hope they’ll be reconciled.’
‘I’m sure they will,’ Joy says. ‘Families, I’ve found, are endlessly forgiving. Poor Hayden’s had a lot to cope with in the last couple of years. It’s nice to see him slowly coming back to his old self. That’s largely down to you. Crystal and I tried to chivvy him along, and failed miserably. It’s good to see him emerging into the world once more.’
‘I love him very much,’ I tell her. ‘Is that wrong of me, when I’m still a married woman?’
‘It was hardly a good marriage, was it?’ she says. ‘If you ask me, I don’t think you owe that husband of yours any loyalty whatsoever.’
‘I like to be a good person and I don’t feel that I am at the moment.’
‘Away with you. You’re a wonderful woman,’ Joys says. She’s normally an unemotional lady, but tears spring to her eyes. ‘We’re all happier for having you here.’
‘That’s very kind of you to say so.’ I give her a hug and she lets me.
‘You and Hayden must grab what comfort you can while you can.’ She pats my back tenderly, like a mother. ‘Time and tide wait for no man.’
‘I think perhaps you’re right.’
‘I’m much older and therefore much wiser than you. Of course I’m right.’
I laugh at that. ‘What are you doing today, old and wise one?’
‘Just pottering,’ she tells me. ‘A little bit of this and that. I’ve got some winter vegetables to plant out – cabbage and cauliflower. A few leeks. I’m having to water like mad in this long dry spell, or everything starts to wilt. Me included.’ She laughs. ‘How would I manage in Singapore with the heat, I ask you?’
‘Everywhere is air-conditioned now,’ I tell her.