‘Nah, but I got a rolled-gold excuse, man. Concussion, hospital, doctor’s certificate, letter from my mother – it doesn’t get much better than that. Even Slats will be impressed.’
Razz pulled my play book towards him and began reading. ‘O, my offence is rank, it smells to heaven. Man, what’s old Claudius going on about there? Hasn’t had an accident in his pants or something, has he?’
‘Not quite. He’s talking about him killing Hamlet’s father and marrying his mother. He’s feeling guilty.’
Get in line, Claudius.
‘Yeah, and so he should, man. Those two dudes were brothers, eh? Hamlet’s dad should’ve been able to trust his brother. Some brother he turned out to be.’
The old gut was starting to feel like a pincushion now.
‘Geez, and what’s he on about here? My stronger guilt defeats my strong intent, and like a man to double business bound, I stand in pause where I shall first begin.’
‘Not sure, but Claudius is praying, so I think he wants to be forgiven, but he feels too guilty to ask for it. Something like that.’
Here, pass me one of those knives, I’ll save you the trouble and just stab myself for a while.
Luckily, before Razz had the chance to ask more questions, I was rescued by Scobie, Bill and Ignatius wandering into the room.
‘Orazio, welcome back to the land of the living. How’s the head?’
‘No worries, Scobes. Tried to tell ’em there was nothing wrong with me at the hospital but they wouldn’t listen.’
James and the other two dragged some chairs in and sat around our desk.
‘Did they do any tests?’
‘Sure did, Prindabuddy. They were poking me and shining things in any opening they could find and tapping my knees and elbows with these crazy little hammers. It was wild. They even did some kind of a brain scan thingy on me.’
‘Really?’ Ignatius said, ‘and did they find one?’
Razz twisted his mouth up Scobie-style and waited while Bill and Ignatius snorted and hissed and bumped their fists together in celebration of Prindabel’s joke. Scobie just clamped his mouth closed in a thin smile and gave it his customary nod of approval.
‘You know, P-buddy, for you that actually wasn’t too bad. That was almost mildly humorous. What’s happening, man? You haven’t gone and downloaded a personality off some dodgy internet site, have you?’
Ignatius brushed Razz’s comments aside and sat bathing in the warmth of his rare witticism.
‘What was the food like, Razz?’
‘Not bad, Hoop Boy. They did a very nice range of “bland” with some delightful and creative side dishes of “What the hell is that?”. Hey, but you guys want to hear something really interesting?’
No one had an objection to this.
‘OK. Because I couldn’t go to the shower alone in case I passed out or something, one of the nurses had to give me … a sponge bath. You know what that is? It’s where you’re naked in the bed … and then they wash you … with a sponge. That’s why it’s called … a sponge bath.’
Glances bounced and ricocheted around the group and everyone automatically crept in closer.
‘Yeah, that’s right,’ Razz continued, ‘and guess who gave me my sponge bath? One of the really young nurses … maybe only about twenty or so … good-looking … and really built.’
Razz stopped and sat back.
‘Yes, and?’
‘And what, Prindabuddy?’
‘And what was it like?’
‘Not bad, but personally, I would have preferred to have one of the female nurses do it.’
Groans filled the air and the tight circle pushed back.
‘You guys are making it too easy,’ Razz said. ‘Where’s the challenge? And Billy, stop drooling, man. It’s not a good look.’
That afternoon in English, Mr Slattery went through the Claudius soliloquy in painstaking detail. While I wasn’t quite in the Big C’s league (after all, kissing your best friend’s girlfriend didn’t quite match up with murdering the king and stealing his wife), I could certainly relate to the feeling guilty thing as well as the ‘wanting to do something about it’ part.
I carried that feeling around inside me for the next few weeks. Razz was still Razz, and I was still me, but it felt like there was a shadow or a curtain between us that only I could see.
It wasn’t until the very last day before the short mid-semester break that I finally decided I had to try and make it go away.
26.
FATAL FLAW THINGIES
The midway point of the second semester concluded with a full school assembly in the gymnasium. After we were dismissed Razz and I hung around a while helping Miss Tarango carry some boxes of ‘holiday marking’ to her car. ‘The joys of being an English teacher’ she called it.
By the time we were finished we’d missed the first buses. We were sitting on the brick fence out the front of the school with about a twenty-minute wait ahead of us. I didn’t really mind. I’d been looking for a chance to talk to Razz all day. But it still took me a while to work up the courage to speak, and even longer to find a break in the usual avalanche of words that was pouring from Razz’s mouth. Eventually a rare pause appeared and I pounced.
‘Hey, Razz, we’re going down to the beach for most of the break, so I probably won’t see you till next term … and there’s um … some stuff … I think you need to know.’
The mop of black hair beside me stopped bobbing to some inner beat and a serious face turned my way. ‘If this is about the birds and the bees, I’m totally cool with all that already, man.’
‘Razz, I’m serious. This is important. There’s something I have to … Something I want to tell you … about me.’
Razz looked worried. ‘Wait, you’re not going to pull a Bill Kingsley on me, are you?’
‘What? What! No! Why would you even think that?’
‘Well, let me see,’ Razz said. ‘First we had the Cindy thing and then we had the Jess thing …’
‘Hey, I explained about Cindy! And I seem to recall that “Jess thing” worked out pretty good for you with Sally.’
‘OK, forget Cindy and Jess then. But what about the time we saw that smokin’ chick jogging around that oval in those little shorts and top?’
‘What about it?’
‘Well, you said you liked the way her ponytail went from side to side while she was running. You said it looked cute. Remember?’
‘Yeah, so what?’
‘So what?’ Razz said, staring at me in disbelief. ‘Of all the awesome parts of that chick that were moving and wobbling about, you were watching her ponytail?’
‘Look, this is stupid. I’m not like Bill and you know it. If I was there wouldn’t have been any “Kelly thing”, would there? And we wouldn’t even be having this stupid conversation because I wouldn’t have this … other thing … I have to tell you … which I wish I didn’t … but I do.’
I guess even Razz could tell from my voice that this might be serious.
‘OK. Sorry, man. Go ahead. Let me have it.’
‘Well, it’s just … something happened and I think you should know about it. I sort of did something and I didn’t really mean to … or maybe I did, I don’t know any more … But anyway, it was wrong and I feel bad and if I could take it back I would because it was all my fault. No one else’s. Look, it’s just that …’
Razz squinted hard at me.
‘Is this about you kissing Sally at the Lourdes Semi-formal?’
‘What! You know about that?’
‘Yeah.’
‘But how?’
‘Sally told me.’
‘When?’
‘The weekend after the Semi. She came over to watch some videos. She was really quiet. I asked her what was wrong. That’s when she told me about it. Said she felt bad. Didn’t like having secrets. Except then, she told me not to tell you, about her telling me. So go figure.’
I looked at Razz’s face. I couldn??
?t work out what was going on behind it.
‘And when she told you … you were … OK with it?’
‘Are you jokin’, man? I wanted to smash you. I really did.’
‘Then what changed your mind?’
‘Changed my mind? Who said I changed my mind? I’ve just been waiting for a chance to get you alone without any witnesses …’ Razz stopped suddenly and did a 360-degree sweep of the deserted horizon. ‘Hey, waaaaaaaaaaait a minute …’
Then he laughed. But not very much.
‘Razz, I’m sorry. I really am. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t mean it to happen. It just did. I wouldn’t blame you if you did smash me.’
‘Nah, it’s all right, man. Sal told me about Wallace and the booze and everything. Man, that guy gives morons a bad name. She explained everything. I’m totally cool with it all now. Besides, I still owe you for saving my neck in that whole Jess thing.’
‘I still feel like crap about it. You’re my friend. My best friend. I shouldn’t have done it. Ever. Even if I had a dozen vodkas.’
‘A dozen vodkas? You? Dude, if you had a dozen vodkas even Danny Wallace would’ve got a pash. That’s if they didn’t have to give you the kiss of life first.’
We both smiled. Then we ran out of things to say for a while. It was Razz who came up with something first.
‘If you want to know the truth, man, when Sal told me about what happened, I was more scared than angry.’
‘Scared? Scared of what?’
‘Of heaps of stuff. Scared that Sal would choose you instead of me. Scared I’d lost her. Scared that it would muck everything up. Muck us up.’
Razz looked away into the distance.
‘There’s no way you’re going to lose her, Razz. Sally likes you a lot. It’s a real failing on her part, but she does. You got nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.’
‘Yeah, maybe.’ He didn’t seem too convinced so I decided to convince him.
‘You know what she said to me that night?’
Razz turned a little my way.
‘She told me … that all the time she was with me, even when she was having fun … all she was thinking about … was you.’
Razz’s eyes lit up.
‘Really, man? You’re not just saying that?’
‘Her exact words.’
Some of her exact words anyway. Things went quiet again after that until I noticed a smile creeping its way on to Razz’s face.
‘What? What is it?’
‘I can’t believe you told me. I can’t believe you actually ‘fessed up, about you and Sally, even when you didn’t have to. Anyone else would’ve kept their mouth shut. But not you, man.’
Razz was grinning and shaking his head.
‘Yeah, yeah, go on. Let’s hear it. I know what you’re going to say. There’s something wrong with me, right?’
‘Oh, there is,’ Razz said. ‘There definitely is. And I think I’ve just figured out what. You’re like Hamlet, dude. You are. You both think too much about stuff and you’ve both got one of those “fatal flaw” thingies that Slattery keeps going on about.’
‘Fatal flaw thingies? Wow, Razz, I’m impressed. Don’t tell me you’ve actually been listening in class.’
‘Sometimes I just can’t help it.’
‘So what’s my fatal flaw then?’
‘Isn’t it obvious, man? You’re too nice. That’s your big problem. You always have to do the right thing all the time. That’s why you need me around to sort of balance things out.’
‘I knew there had to be a reason for putting up with you,’ I said.
‘Yeah, we make a good team,’ Razz said. Then he clicked his fingers and pointed at me. ‘Hey, I just thought. If you’re Hamlet then that makes me that Horatio dude.’
‘My good friend, I’ll exchange that name with you.’
‘Huh?’
‘That’s what Hamlet tells Horatio – that he’s happy to call him a friend.’
‘Cool! How do you remember that stuff? I’m hopeless.’
‘Don’t know. I guess it just gets stuck in my head. But anyway, I don’t know about you being Horatio. I got a feeling he wasn’t quite as “out there” as you.’
‘Really? Well maybe I’m the extreme version. Or maybe I’m like one of those cyborgs. You know, part Horatio, part Orazio.’
‘Horazio?’ I suggested. I didn’t think it was that funny but Razz slapped his knees and almost busted a gut laughing.
‘Horazio! Man, I’ll pay that, Ishmael! That is gold!’
Just then a bus pulled around the corner at the end of the street. It was Razz’s. He hopped off the fence and threw his bag over his shoulder.
‘See ya, man. Give us a call when you get back from the beach.’
‘Yeah, OK. And Razz … Thanks … You know …’
‘Forget it,’ Razz said and jumped on the bus. He swiped his card, found a seat then stuck his head out the side window and shouted, ‘Farewell, sweet prince! May ummm … like, heaps of angels … ummm … do really good stuff to you!’
Razz’s fellow passengers gawked at him. Since they were gawking already I thought I might as well make it worth their while.
‘Farewell, Horazio!’ I shouted back, ‘I will keep thee in my heart’s core, in my heart of hearts.’
As I waited for my bus, I wondered how Razz was going to go with the assessment we had coming up after the break. I mean, if he really did have trouble remembering quotes, then our Hamlet orals were probably going to cause him a fair amount of grief.
For once I was right. I just had no idea how right.
27.
THE RETURN OF THE BRAINIACS
We had finally made it into the last term of Year Eleven and the teachers weren’t about to let us forget it. They kept going on about how important it was and how short it was and how much our final assignments and exams would affect our overall grades. All that was true, of course. But apart from the Hamlet orals, what I was most concerned about was the Year Eleven Semi-formal.
Unlike the Lourdes Semi-formal, ours was traditionally held in the last week of school when exams were over. As well as a dance and a celebration of the year, it also marked the moment when the Year Elevens officially took over as school leaders. It was still a couple of months away yet, but the pressure to find someone to take was already starting to build.
The thing is, if you were going to go to the Semi-formal you had to have a partner. No exceptions. If you were so embarrassingly hopeless that you couldn’t get your own partner, you were paired up with one of the girls invited in bulk from one of the local colleges. This provided you with the unique opportunity of being seen as a total loser. Now that very real possibility was looming ever larger for me. All I could think of was how brilliant my life would have been if Kelly hadn’t left and I was taking her to the Semi.
But what was the point in torturing myself? Kelly was gone. And every day that passed, she was drifting further and further away. It was ages since I’d got an email from her and the last one she sent didn’t really say much. Even Sally reckoned she wasn’t getting any news. As much as I could, I tried to push the whole Semi-formal, no-partner, total-loser thing out of my mind. But one lunchtime, thanks to Razz, it became the main topic of discussion.
Scobie, Bill, Ignatius and I were eating at one of the tables in the Seniors’ quadrangle when the man himself bounded in to join us.
‘Hey, guys, I was just thinking we better get in early and organise a table for the Semi-formal so we can all be together. It’ll be massive.’
‘I’m not going.’
A table full of eyes rotated to Bill.
‘No point,’ he said with the regular Kingsley shrug. ‘I’ve got no one to take. And even if I did …’
‘Why don’t you get yourself matched up with some chick for the night, Billy Boy? You just have to talk and dance. You don’t have to marry her. And we’ll all be there.’
Bill shook his head. He wasn’t about to change
his mind.
‘Well, what about you, Prindabundle? You don’t mind being matched up with some chick and making her miserable for a night, do you?’
Ignatius looked at Razz blankly.
‘I have my own partner.’
Razz reared back like he’d taken the full impact of a bazooka to the body.
‘What! Geez, Prindabudster,’ Razz said, grabbing his chest, ‘I thought you were serious for minute there. You know, you shouldn’t joke about stuff like that. You could’ve given me a heart attack. There are certain basic laws of the universe that we human beings have grown to trust. Stuff like gravity and the sun being the centre of our solar system and you being a total no-go area for chicks.’
‘Then prepare yourself for possible acute myocardial infarction, Orazio, because it’s true. I do have a partner for the Semi-formal.’
Razz leant in close to Ignatius and gave him an understanding smile.
‘Prindabubbles. P-bud. You do realise that when we talk about “partner” it doesn’t include your laptop, even if you have gone to all the trouble of downloading a screen saver with a chick’s face on it. And I’m pretty sure that it’s also against the school rules for your Semi “partner” to be anything you have either built in a laboratory, cloned, inflated or brought back to life using electrodes attached to the brain.’
Ignatius listened patiently then said, ‘Well, I think I’m fine then.’
Razz was about to say something else but Scobie beat him to it.
‘Who is she, Ignatius?’
‘Maude Everingham. She’s from Morley Girls’ College. You met her, James. She was at the Accelerated Science Course weekend we went to.’
We all turned to Scobie. He raised his eyebrows.
‘Outstanding.’
‘What?’ Razz broke in. ‘Really? The P-man has actually landed a genuine real live chick-type person without the use of chloroform or a spring-loaded net?’
‘Absolutely,’ Scobie said.
‘Prindabuddy, you legend! How’d you do it, man? Come on, tell us all about it.’
‘Well,’ said Ignatius, becoming almost animated, ‘it was during the Accelerated Chemistry class. We were doing a quantitative chemical analysis involving a diprotic acid titrated with a strong base to establish equivalence points.’