“Our house in Ithaca had three stories. I slept in the bottom story, and my dad slept in the top. I don’t know if he ever heard me. I told him about the nightmares, but I don’t know that he ever understood. Sometime I would set my alarm for every hour and a half. That way I never fell deep enough asleep to dream.”
“How can you survive with that little sleep? Isn’t that bad for you?”
“Look at me, Riley. There are bags under my eyes, and I look about twenty years older than I actually am. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart. Other times I’m just so drained that I can barely function. It’s been going on for a while now, and my body is becoming accustomed to it … somewhat.”
“You don’t look as bad as you think. You hide your exhaustion well.”
I smiled at him. “Well, thank you.”
He looked back at me with sadness in his eyes. “Are the dreams the same or different?”
“Almost always the same. Always of the accident, always of my mom’s face.”
“It must be terrible. From what I saw last night, they seem bad.”
“I guess I’m used to it.”
“Is it normal? I mean for them to last this long after the accident?”
I shrugged my shoulders.
His questions kept coming. “Have you seen someone about this? Like a therapist or counselor or something?”
“No, I just assumed I would grow out of it at some point.” That was a lie. I was actually afraid that they would never go away.
His shoulders slumped and his eyebrows turned down. “You’re sleep deprived, and worse than that, you’re tortured on a nightly basis.” His concern was growing. “There’s nothing wrong with getting help. I should know; I’ve gotten plenty. You need to talk to someone.”
“You’ve seen someone?”
“Oh yeah, no big deal. I’ve done both individual and family counseling. We started just after Melody died. It helped a lot.”
I remained silent. I couldn’t believe he admitted that he’d been to therapy.
“It’s not something to be ashamed of or anything. I’d hate to think about where I’d be without it.”
“Yes.” I giggled, “You could be a total nut job like me.”
His eyes rolled as he shook his head at me. “You aren’t a nut job, Charlie. You’re just grieving. I would think that type of thing would be normal.” His voice sounded full of distress, and I appreciated his concern. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure I agreed with him. I wasn’t at all normal. I was tired and scared, and all I wanted was to wake up from my never-ending nightmare. I was sad, and I didn’t want to be sad anymore.
We sat quietly for a few minutes before he decided that we needed to go down and get something to eat.
“Heck, we’ve already missed breakfast. I don’t wanna miss lunch too.” He was up and halfway down the stairs before I even got untangled from my blanket.
We made our way to the kitchen, and I saw Mr. and Mrs. Bennett sitting at the table deep in conversation. For the first time since arriving, there was no music coming from the laptop.
When I walked in, they both looked up. Their faces wore the “concerned parent” expression. I glanced at Riley wondering if they knew what happened the night before, and as if he could read my mind, he somberly nodded his head.
“Oh boy,” I muttered under my breath.
Mrs. Bennett broke the silence. She was nearly crying. “Attie, are you all right?”
“Yes.” I tried to sound reassuring. “I’m fine. It’s just a nightmare, no big deal. Honestly, they sound worse than they are.”
I glanced back at Riley hoping that I would be able to tell whether or not I was being convincing. The sadness on his face was a sign that nobody was buying my act.
Mr. Bennett stood and hugged me. “Can we help you, Attiline? Is there anything we can do to help?”
“Oh no, I’ll be fine.” At this point I didn’t even sound convincing to myself.
“Are you sure?”
I waited a few moments before I replied. “Well, there’s one thing.” I bit the corner of my thumbnail and looked up at Mr. Bennett out of the corners of my eyes. This technique always got me what I wanted from my dad.
“I’ll try.” He wasn’t promising anything without hearing my request.
“Can you get me off the cheerleading squad?”
“What? Attiline, last month you flew all the way here just to try out, and practices haven’t even started yet. Why would you wanna up and quit now?”
Everyone’s eyes were on me, and I felt completely uncomfortable. He placed his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes.
“If that’s what you want, I’ll consider it. But first tell me why. Why do you wanna quit doing something that you love so much?”
I’d realized he wasn’t going to stop the interrogation until I gave an acceptable answer. After all they were doing for me, I knew that I needed to be honest. I motioned for everyone to sit down and then joined them.
“Sadly, you all got a glimpse of what my nights are like—at least for the time being anyway. I’ve gotten pretty used to them, but they tend to terrify anyone within hearing distance.” I looked at Riley apologetically, and he gave me a small smile. “I hoped that being back here would somehow make them go away, but that clearly didn’t happen.”
Noticing the Bennetts’ growing concern, I continued with my reasoning.
“I don’t think that spending six nights away would be a good idea right now, and cheer camp is less than a week away. I wouldn’t get much sleep, and there’s a chance that none of my roommates would either.”
Mr. and Mrs. Bennett were nodding as I spoke, so I must have been making sense.
“Not to mention, it’s embarrassing,” I admitted.
Mr. Bennett spoke first. “I understand that. But wouldn’t it be more logical to just get out of cheer camp but stay on the team?”
“It wouldn’t be right, Mr. Bennett. If it is a requirement that the team attend camp, then I should either attend or no longer be on the team. It’s only fair. Plus, for totally selfish reasons, the last thing I need is another reason for people to dislike me. Preferential treatment doesn’t bode well in high school.”
Riley didn’t agree with me. “Screw what other people think.”
“Riley Bennett,” Mrs. Bennett scolded. “You cut that talk out right now.”
He apologized to his mother and then turned back to me. “Who cares what anyone else thinks? Missing camp is no big deal.” He grabbed my elbow to give it a slight squeeze. “Stay on the team.”
“I care what people think. I’m already an outsider. I’m already the freak.”
“Attie.” Now Mrs. Bennett sounded angry with me. “You stop talking like that. Nobody thinks you’re a freak. Why would they?”
Yanking my elbow away from Riley, I sat back in my chair and crossed my arms across my stomach. They would never understand.
“Never mind.” My jaw grew tight.
Riley leaned toward me and gently placed his hand on my arm. “Who cares?”
My voice rose as I spoke. “That’s easy for you to say, Riley.”
He removed his hand from my arm and sat upright. “Whaddya mean?”
“Good grief, you’re the most popular boy in school. You’re smart, athletic, good looking … ”
He raised an eyebrow and grinned.
“I mean, not to me necessarily … ”
He quickly frowned.
“But evidently to everyone else. Every girl in school and some probably not in school want to go out with you.”
At first he blushed, but then he crossed his arms and shook his head. “Not true, not at all.”
“Yes true. It is true. Imagine bein
g in my situation.” I stood up and threw my hands on my hips. The dreaded drama queen was coming out. “Let’s see, the bizarre girl from the accident who claims an angel saved her life goes off to cheer camp where she wakes up screaming at the top of her lungs every night. Throw on top of that the fact that our cheer uniforms don’t hide any of my scars, and then I become Frankenstein. Kids are cruel, Riley. Do you think they won’t make it hell for me?”
He was silent. There was nothing he could say. Kids were cruel, and they could show no mercy. He placed his elbows on the table and put his face in his hands.
I lowered my voice. “I don’t want sympathy. I just don’t want to subject myself to more anguish.” Tears surfaced, but I shook my head in an effort to keep them at bay. I didn’t want to cry in front of the Bennetts again. Sitting down, I tried to regain my composure. “Honestly, I don’t care about cheering anymore. I only tried out because my dad wanted me to. I prayed that I wouldn’t even make the team. God didn’t seem to hear that particular plea.”
“But you did make the team,” Mr. Bennett spoke again. “You made the team because you’re good and because you love it.”
“But Mr. Bennett—”
He interrupted me. “Okay, Attiline, it’s my turn to speak.” His voice was stern.
“Yes, sir.” I bit the fingernails on my left hand and looked down at the table as I fumbled with the napkin ring in my right.
“Your dad wanted you to try out because he knew you would enjoy it, among other things.”
“What other things?” I mumbled.
“Look at me, Attiline.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him lean toward me, and my tears fought their way to the surface again. I shook my head.
His voice was stern but gentle. “Atticus Elizabeth Reed, look at me.”
I sat still as he waited, never releasing me from his gaze. I could hear Mrs. Bennett crying but wasn’t sure what Riley was doing. After what felt like hours, I realized I wasn’t going to win the battle and lifted my eyes to meet Mr. Bennett’s.
“Thank you,” he whispered. “It’s time for you to move on, Attiline. It’s time for you to enjoy your life again. Your dad … all of us want you to participate in life again.”
Mrs. Bennett sat sobbing across from me. I still couldn’t see Riley.
“Nobody said this would be easy, and nobody said this would be painless. It just is what it is. It stinks.” His eyes filled with tears, and his voice cracked. “Your mom and Melody are gone.”
Feeling like I’d been slapped in the face, I inhaled quickly.
“They’re gone; they died.” He spoke the words as if he thought I didn’t already know they’d been killed.
I heard a small moan leave my body. It was as if a knife stabbed into my heart. I physically ached.
“They’re gone, Attiline. You lived, but you’re living as if you’re gone. Can’t you see that God spared your life for a purpose? There’s no reason, evidence-wise, that you should be here. That you should have or could have lived. But you did; you’re a miracle.”
“I don’t want to be a miracle if this is what it’s like.” The floodgates opened and my tears ran free.
Mr. Bennett continued, “You can’t go through life as if you died or should have. You miss your mom and Melody. We do too. We lost our only daughter, and Riley lost his twin sister. There isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t grieve for our loss.
“We could all shut down, write off life, but where would that get us? Who would that benefit? It won’t bring them back.” Mr. Bennett was full of emotion and his voice shook, as did my body. “God saved you, Attiline. You’re here for a reason. You aren’t gonna fulfill that purpose hiding away from people. Hiding from life.”
For one of the first times in my life, I was speechless. I could think of nothing to say; there were no words in the English language that could be used to disagree with him. He was right.
Mr. Bennett relaxed and sat back in his chair. “Riley’s right, Attiline; screw ‘em.”
I’m fairly certain that my eyes popped out of my head, and Mrs. Bennett’s jaw came unhinged. He could see that we were shocked, but he didn’t seem concerned about it.
“So a few jerks don’t like you; screw ‘em. What if some boys are turned off by your scars? Screw ‘em. If stupid high school girls don’t like you—”
“Screw ‘em.” Mrs. Bennett finished his sentence and giggled. Mr. Bennett looked proudly at his wife and nodded his head.
He laughed as he looked back at me. “That’s right, screw ‘em. There’s nobody on this planet that’s perfect, Attiline. You’ll never please everybody—no matter how long you live. The sooner you figure that out, the better off you’re gonna be. Your only responsibility is to be the best person you can be. Obey the Lord and give your life as a sacrifice to whatever God has in store for you. And if people don’t like that, well then—”
“Screw ‘em,” Mr. and Mrs. Bennett said in unison.
I snickered.
“I’ll get you out of cheer camp because you have a real medical condition. But you’ll stay on the team. If anyone has a problem with you or looks at you wrong or says anything inappropriate, just smile at ‘em, and then we’ll go have Riley beat ‘em up.” He grinned and then grabbed my hands and bent down and kissed them. It was the sweetest gesture anyone ever gave me, and it caused me to cry again.
“Oh sweetie,” his voice was tender, “you’re gonna be okay. We’re here for you, and we’re gonna walk through this with you. You’re not alone, do you hear me? We will all walk through this together. None of us are completely healed yet. We all need each other.”
I nodded my head. No one spoke for several minutes. All I could hear were the sniffles that accompanied our crying.
“Attiline, your dad’s not here right now, so I’m gonna take over his role until he gets back.”
“Okay.”
“Here’s the plan: first, I want you to consider getting some counseling with Joshua Crawford twice a week. I’ve already talked with him, and he’d be more than happy to meet with you. Joshua did an amazing job with Riley, and I know he’d do the same for you.
“Second,” he said, looking up at everyone. “All of us will go to church every Sunday morning. We’ve become too relaxed about it, and it’s time to be more faithful. We can’t expect the Lord to fully bless our lives when we can’t even give him two hours a week.
“Third.” He looked back at me. “You’re gonna start holding your head up high. You are who you are and it isn’t gonna change, so you might as well get comfortable in your skin—perfect, flawless skin or not.
“Fourth, you’ve got to think of something else to call us other than Mr. and Mrs. Bennett. You’re like a daughter to us, and Mr. and Mrs. seems a little cold and unfamiliar. Deal?” He held his hand out to me.
I grabbed it and shook it a few times. “Deal.”
“Good. Anything else we need to discuss while we’re all here?”
“I would just like to say a few things,” I admitted.
“Shoot.”
I took a deep breath. “First, thank you for everything. For letting me live with you and for putting up with my emotional outbursts and for loving me unconditionally. I appreciate it more than you can know. I haven’t had that in a long time.”
Mr. and Mrs. Bennett smiled at me, and I finally snuck a peek at Riley. He sat with his elbows on the table, and both of his hands held tissue, which he pressed to his eyes.
“And secondly … ” I looked back at Mr. Bennett. “I’d like to add that I’ve never heard you say that many words in all my time of knowing you, which evidently is forever.”
From beside me I heard Riley chuckle. Mr. Bennett threw his head back and laughed. “I’ve been saving up a
ll my words for such a time as this. I’ll go on record right now as saying that I’m now officially talked out, so don’t plan on hearing anything out of me for a while.”
With that he stood, leaned over to give me a kiss on the forehead, and told me he loved me.
“I love you too.”
I did.
chapter 8
I spent much of the week helping the Bennetts spruce up their flowerbeds, and for hard work it was a lot of fun.
Mr. Bennett had already talked to the cheerleading coach, and she reassured him that all would be fine and it would be handled diplomatically so as not to cause problems with the other girls. I was glad to have one less thing to worry about.
While we worked, we took turns telling stories about Mom and Melody. It was refreshing to focus on happier memories rather than the accident. I hadn’t done it in a year. I even felt like the worst was behind me and I was doing better and moving on.
I suffered from nightmares every night since the second night at the Bennetts’. Riley started sleeping in my room so that he could wake me up if necessary. Against his wishes, I decided that tonight I would attempt to sleep in the room all by myself. I needed to start dealing with the nightmares on my own. But when Mr. Bennett announced that we should start cleaning up because it was getting dark outside, my heart sank, and I feared the approaching night.
Mrs. Bennett happily sang the Barney song as she cleaned up the mess we’d made. She sang it over and over until Riley finally told her she was ruining the whole day and begged her to stop.
After finishing up, we showered, ate dinner, and sat down to watch a movie. Riley begged for us to watch I Am Legend. The movie had just come out on video, and he hadn’t gotten to see it while it was in the theaters. I agreed to his movie choice, wrapped myself in a blanket, and settled in on the couch next to him.
“This movie better not give me nightmares,” I said.
His lips spread across his face in a toothless grin. “Hey, at least it would be a change of topic.”
I never imagined dreaming about something different. For so long having dreams that told a different story didn’t even seem possible.