Hope is way more sensitive. “Gosh Zoe, you serious? That’s. So. Cute! It’s not Levi is it?”
I shake my head and smile. “Nope.”
“That’s a shame,” Keira says. “He’s hella hot.”
Ditto to half of that. He’s super fine, but it’s not a shame. Zak is way sexier.
“Yeah, but we’re just friends.”
“Does he know that?” Hope slides down next to me on the floor. “Because you two seem pretty close for just friends.”
Yikes! Looks like I need to do some damage control. I don’t want to give Levi or anyone else that impression. Levi was pretty touchy-feely at the party even after he rejected me, but he may have just been keeping me from falling over. And Zak hugs Ariana, but whenever I see that happening it makes me want to hock a loogie in their direction.
“I’ll make sure he knows.”
“Make sure he knows I’m available when you tell him.” Keira pulls the toe separators out and smiles. “I’m totally willing to dump one of the backups to make room for him.”
I wiggle my toes and laugh. Keira may be a complete stuck up piece of work, but at least she’s totally honest about herself. Maybe that’s why I find it addicting to be around her. That and I crave her acceptance. Once she thinks you’re cool enough to hang out with, no one else questions your social standing.
Too bad she’ll be the first one to call me a “Jaywalker freak” tomorrow.
Hope nudges me and gives me a pout. “Are you really not gonna tell us who he is?”
If it was just me and her, I may have spilled the nerdy beans. But Keira’s here, and since magic potion got Hope an insult, I’m pretty sure having the hots for the dorkiest kid in school will get me much worse.
Crap. Damn it all to freaking loserish hell! Insecurities are going to win, aren’t they? Will I ever find the guts to be myself one-hundred percent? I mean, if I can’t even tell my friends, how am I supposed to face the entire student body?
I take a deep breath as my eyes dart to the floor.
“Maybe tomorrow.”
Chapter 26
Epic fail, Geek Zoe.
A pair of jeans vs. a skirt so short, it screams, “You will reach the cooch in less than .25 seconds.”
Put on the jeans, Zoe.
Low-cut and skin-tight pink top vs. form fitting T-shirt that may or may not have a Green Lantern Ring on the back that glows in the dark.
It’s okay, Zoe. You can wear a jacket today to cover the full out “nerd sighting” effect this shirt will have.
Heels vs. flip-flops.
Sweet! This decision is easy.
I blow up my cheeks and tuck my book against my chest. I do this weird in and out breathing thing, but since my cheeks are sort of blown, I sound like Darth Vader.
Badass! That helps actually. Darth Vader isn’t afraid of anything. I can totally do this.
The air in my mouth flies out as I get downstairs to the kitchen. My face goes smack into a huge belly.
“Gah!”
Dad chuckles and gives me a quick hug before he pulls back. “Good morning!”
“What are you doing here?” I ask as I rub my nose. Dad’s always at work by five o’clock sharp so he can be home at night. Which is a bunch of crock, since he’s not home till like ten because he works freakish hours.
“I wanted to see you off.” He parks his large body on top of the barstool and starts gobbling up his plate of hash browns and bacon.
I smile and grab a granola bar from the cupboard. “Short work day for you then?”
He pinches his lips together and doesn’t look at me.
“Dad, please tell me you’re not working till like three in the morning.”
Another mouthful of hash browns gets shoved into his face before he looks at me. “I’ll be home at one.”
“Da—”
“It’s okay, Zoester. I don’t mind. I wanted to make sure you were okay before you went to school.”
I do an emotional and mental checklist before answering. “Surprisingly, yeah.” As long as I channel Darth Vader, I’ll be fine.
He eyes me, doing that father thing when he questions whether or not I’m spouting off a bunch of phooey.
“Really, Dad.” I laugh. “Don’t worry.” Because he shouldn’t worry over this stuff. It’s my problem and I’m going to deal with it.
I kiss him on the forehead—something else I haven’t done in forever—and give him a small smile. “Get to work so you can come home sooner.”
He chuckles and salutes me. “Yes, ma’am.”
Dad is such a dork. Maybe I take after him. I laugh and hop out the front door before he has any more chances to worry about me.
Today is also the first day I’m attempting to drive Manual Millennium all by myself. Though I totally think I can, I still glance over at Zak’s house half hoping to see him outside so I can tell him to help me and half relieved he’s not because I’m terrified out of my frakking mind.
Oh gosh. I better get to school before my dad comes out and catches me second-guessing myself.
I stall the car five times. But not once in the school parking lot, so wahoo for that! There are a few people lingering by their cars, some guzzling RockStars trying to wake up before first period. My target person of interest is sitting by himself at the tables outside, with his Geometry book open, quickly trying to get his homework done by the looks of it.
Okay, Zoe I say to myself as I clear the crusts out from the corners of my eyes. Be yourself. Don’t think about what people are gonna say. Don’t take anything to heart. Just be yourself.
After a few Darth Vader breaths, I climb out of my car and walk over to him.
“Hey.”
Levi scribbles down his last answer and slides his notebook into his textbook. “Hey.” He starts tapping his mechanical pencil against the table, holding it like he would his drumstick. “How are you?”
“Good.”
“Good.”
He keeps tapping his pencil, and I clack my teeth in tune with it.
“Um, I wanted to, you know, say thanks for… well, for everything you did for me on Friday night.”
The pencil stops. “No problem.” He smirks and tucks an arm around my shoulder, pulling me down to sit next to him.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pounced on you like that.”
He shrugs. “It’s okay. I could tell you weren’t exactly being yourself.”
“Yeah.” I smile and try to be smooth about shaking his arm off me. “Did you mean what you said though? About being my friend?”
He laughs. “Yeah.”
“You’re okay with that?”
His eyebrow goes straight up. Damn boy and his resemblances to Zak. “What do you mean?”
“Like, you’re okay with us being just friends, right?”
He laughs again. “Hells ya. Why wouldn’t I be?”
The biggest air of relief escapes my lungs. “Hope and Keira said something… never mind. I just wanted to make sure you felt the same way about where this, uh, is going.”
“I told you already, I want to be your friend.” He squeezes my shoulders and kisses the top of my head. Okay, hang on a second. Is this friend behavior?
“All right, but if we’re buds, then we should probably tone down the touchy-feely stuff.” I elbow him in the ribs to keep up the playful banter, even though that’s totally a contradiction to what I just said.
He nods and scoots about a foot and a half away from me, putting his hands up. “You got it. Hands off, I promise.”
I roll my eyes and push him again. “Knock it off. You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he says with a grin. “I don’t want to get in trouble with the boy you really want.”
Whoa. “How—”
“I’m perceptive.” He winks, putting his pencil in his mouth and picking up his book as he stands.
“You’re not mad?”
He takes the pencil out of his mouth. “’Course no
t.” He wiggles his finger between the two of us. “Friends, remember?”
Wow. This was a hecka lot easier than I thought it would be. Levi is pretty darn awesome. If I wasn’t completely head over heels—I mean flip-flops—crazy for Zak, I may have wanted something much more with this “pal” of mine. I wonder if he’ll still want to be my friend once I start hanging out in Geek Town.
The bell rings and it’s like fifteen thousand bricks fall into my stomach. Oh gosh. Here we go.
***
7:30. Nothing out of the ordinary, except I actually answer a few questions in class correctly. I get a few bizarre looks, but nothing else. Okay, I can do this.
9:00. I search like crazy for Zak in the halls, but I can’t find him anywhere. Some girl asks if it was laundry day. I laugh it off and bolt to class.
9:10. Sweat like I’m standing in the middle of Mount Doom. I want to take my jacket off, but, um, that’s not happening. Make it out of the classroom fifteen pounds lighter.
10:45. Apply heavy doses of body spray in the bathroom while Hope tries to get me to show her what shirt I’m wearing. I escape seconds before she strips me down.
12:20. Still haven’t seen Zak. He’s not at the D&D table or anywhere else in the cafeteria that I can see. Argh! What. The. Hell?
I planned on the cafeteria being my big huge move. Like, “Look at me! I totally know how to play Dungeons and Dragons and I’m not afraid to show it!” Is it even worth it if Zak isn’t here to witness me socially slit my wrists? Okay, awful image. But that’s how it sort of feels if I’m being honest.
Wait a second. Why should it matter if he’s here or not? I’m not doing this for him.
I’m doing this for me.
I pop the top of my water bottle and take a big swig. Big Darth Vader breath, Zoe. Let’s move in.
Ignoring Keira and Hunter waving me over to join them at our designated table, I march straight to Dorky Heaven.
“Uh, hi.”
You’d think I’d said something more obscene. Like “Wanna see my nips?” because that’s how everyone stares at me.
One of the girls from fifth period seems to be the only one who can talk. She narrows her blue eyes and leans over the game board on the table. She’s clutching her Monster Manual in the hand she points at me with. “Are you lost, Prom Queen?” Youch, her voice is so not nice at all. “I believe all the stuck up bitches sit over there.” She nods to the table where Keira, Hunter, and now a whole bunch of other people from the popular crowd are gathered. And they’re all staring at me like I’ve grown a tail out my butt. Keira seems to think it’s one big joke, laughing her face off and whispering behind her hand in BJ’s ear.
My cheeks are going to explode with how much air fills them. And my voice gets all shaky and cracked as I try to keep up the bravery. “I-I wondered if you guys had, you know, room for another player.”
Dan, a boy from my seventh period class, chokes on the food he just stuck in his mouth. The girls sitting next to him pound on his back trying to clear his airway. His face is a little purple and his voice comes out a little strained when he answers me.
“D-do you even remember…” Cough, hack, spit. Gross. He takes a sip of his drink, narrowing his eyes. “Do you remember how to play?”
I nod, ready to spout off all my stats, but Fifth Period cuts me off.
“Doesn’t matter. You can’t play with us.”
Okay, I really didn’t see this outcome. For some bizarre reason, I pictured them shocked but totally impressed. Not pissed off and intimidating.
Why is Zak not here? Would he tell them all to chill and let me join in? Or would he stand quietly in the background laughing at my humiliation.
No, Zak wouldn’t ever do that.
He’d just make himself disappear.
The tears are coming. I can feel them prickle my eyes, and I gotta get out of here before they swarm my face.
“Okay, sorry.”
I turn to leave, but Fifth Period isn’t done talking to me.
“You get why, don’t you?”
“Huh?”
“Why you can’t play with us? You get it, right?”
No. Not really. But I don’t want to talk about it either. I can already hear the belts of laughter from my “stuck up bitch” table and also some pretty confused chatter from the other cliques in the school.
I shake my head, forcing back the air I want to fill my face up with and also the tears that beg to come out my eyes.
She stares me down, gnawing the inside of her cheek before she says something. “We’re not stupid. You mocking us or something? Because there’s no way Miss High-and-Mighty would ever talk to us unless she was making our lives hell.”
“I’m not mocking you.” My voice is quiet because I’m done talking, and I want to be alone. “I really wanted to play, but it’s no big deal.”
“Bianca,” Dan pipes up from the other end of the table. “Maybe we should let her. I mean, Zak’s and Ariana’s spots are open.”
That’s a piece of news I’m interested about. But I can’t ask because everyone else laughs at Dan’s suggestion, reminding him of all the stuff I’ve done. Stuff I wasn’t even aware of. How, yeah, I’ve made their lives at high school pretty darn hellish.
Shit, I have to get out of here stat.
No one even notices I’m leaving. Well, from that table. Everyone else does though. I hear Keira shouting at me from across the room, wondering what the hell I was doing. I try to ignore all the other whispers followed by stunned silence as I walk by different tables. It doesn’t work so well. It’s like I’ve been tied to a stake and sentenced to burn.
I hightail it straight to the bathrooms. I know it’s the most cliché thing in the freaking world, but I. Do. Not. Care. I want to cry it out before I get to last period.
And I do. Like, really let it out and I know I’m not even close to being done when the bell rings. Curse Popular Zoe for skipping so much class. If it wasn’t for the pending doom of expulsion leering over my head I’d go straight home.
Last period starts off with my ballsy move in the cafeteria and my resulting bloodshot eyes as the main topic of discussion. I sit in the back row praying to the Nerdy Gods to save me from this.
Mr. Sandstrom starts class and though it’s quieter now, it doesn’t stop the note passing or the stifled giggles from the recipients. I don’t see the note, they conveniently left me out of the loop today, but Ariana does. She doesn’t laugh either. She crumples it up and chucks it in her backpack. Not sure how to take that. She looks more pissed off than usual, but it doesn’t seem like she’s pissed at me. Her eyes are bloodshot too.
I bolt out the doors when the bell rings, ignoring Levi as he chases me to the car.
“Hey,” he says when he catches up, “are you okay?”
I nod and plaster a smile on so he’ll let me go home. I don’t want to be here anymore.
“Well, all right, but if you need someone to talk to—”
“Yeah, I know.” I give him a quick hug. I can’t talk to him about this stuff. I don’t think he’ll get it. Because he doesn’t really know me, even though he thinks he does. “Thanks.” Another fake smile and I hop in the car.
I stall another five times on the way home, and I don’t even make it in the house before crying. I collapse on the porch and bawl my eyes out.
I’ve really screwed up everything. I should’ve never pretended to be someone I’m not because now I don’t belong anywhere in school. The geeks hate me and the gods of high school think I’m a walking joke. And everyone else in between follows whatever crowd they want or shun everyone for being so judgmental. I don’t fit in, and now I’m alone.
“Zo?”
Zak plops down on the porch and pulls me in his lap.
Well, maybe not as alone as I thought.
Chapter 27
Some nerdy medicine.
“You want to talk about it?”
We’ve been sitting on my porch for a good hour or tw
o. Sierra came home and asked what the crap was wrong, but Zak waved her in the house as another flood came out of my face. She listened, but came back with a bottle of water and tissues. I know it’s stupid to think that meant something, but it did to me.
My eyes are pretty dry now, and I shrug from Zak’s arms. He’s looking me in the eyes, but suddenly my humiliation and hurt turn to anger at him for not being around, and I sock him square in the stomach.
“Oof!”
“Where in the effing Jedis were you today Zakary Gibbons?!”
It takes him a minute to compose himself. “Sorry, Zo.” He clutches his stomach and takes another breather. “I tried to catch you in the hall between classes, but I couldn’t find you.”
“And lunch?” I raise an eyebrow even though I know I can’t do it right.
“I had to talk to Ariana.” He quickly jumps into his explanation after I give him the evilest glare I can muster. “She had to know where I stood with her, because… well, I dunno what exactly is going on with…”
He stops and his face fills with what looks like red paint.
Oh my gosh.
“With us?”
More red paint fills his face. “Is that lame?”
I chuckle and curl back into him because I’m so not angry anymore. He’s just so dang cute when he gets all embarrassed like that. “No. I had ‘the talk’,” I use my air quotes, “with Levi today too.”
He nods and squeezes my shoulders. “Well, I’m sorry I wasn’t at lunch. After I heard what happened, I felt like the crappiest friend ’cause I wasn’t there for you.”
I shrug. It’s not his fault.
“I honestly didn’t think you’d be waltzing up ready to play D&D.” He laughs. “Oh man, I wish they would’ve let you play. You would’ve owned it.”
He’s trying to make me feel better, I can tell, but I don’t feel better. In fact, I feel worse. Just a reminder of why they told me to leave them alone.
I get it now. I mean, the whole reason for my transformation in the first place was to escape all the people who made me feel like crap, like I wasn’t worth anything because of the stuff I was into. It was a “keep your enemies closer” kind of thing. And then I became exactly who I hated, making fun of and ignoring all my old friends because I was embarrassed of who they are.