That lie is really starting to bite me in the butt. “I-I just can’t see any of my friends.” Crap. That totally came out wrong. “I mean—”
“No, you’re right,” he says, not looking at me. “We’re not friends.”
Ouchy. I wish I could argue, but I can’t. I haven’t been his friend. Gave that up when I gave up everything. I gulp and ask again, “So, can you? You know, teach me?”
He hesitates which makes me almost mumble out a whole bunch of “you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’d really like you to”s but I bite my tongue. I can’t control the natural response I have to awkward silence, and my face blows up to the size of a giant water balloon.
He smirks at my cheeks and pinches them together. My stomach does that stupid backhand spring like he’s suddenly the center of my universe.
“Hey, Mom!” His sudden outburst makes me jump and he laughs at me. “It okay if I take Zoe out for a drive?”
He makes it sound like a date. I’m not the only one who thinks so either. Mrs. Gibbons sticks her head out into the entryway, a gleaming smile glued on her face.
“Oh hi, Zoe! I didn’t know you were here. Zak, honey, aren’t you going to invite her in?”
“We were going to head out,” he says, giving her a look I can’t see.
“Will you be home for dinner?”
“Yeah.”
“Is Zoe joining us?”
“No.”
I only see half the conversation, but Zak obviously gives her the please-don’t-embarrass-me look.
“Okay. You kids have fun!” Her excitement is so transparent, it makes me feel like I should explain, but Zak pulls me down the porch steps before I can squeeze it in.
“Sorry,” he mutters as he drops his hand from my arm. I kind of wish he would’ve kept it there. Like old times. Like with his other… oh that’s right. We’re not friends.
“You don’t have to apologize. I know she adores me.” I nudge him with my elbow—because I just have to touch him—and he smirks.
“Must be because you’re so humble about it.”
“Hey, you know you want this.” I gesture to my body in a teasing and completely unsexy way. Zak throws his head back in a fit of laughter, which causes me to giggle like a little school girl. We better get in the car fast before someone sees Geek Zoe.
“Yes. So humble.” He walks over to my car, right to the driver’s side. I make my way to the passenger seat.
“Um, hello? Where are you going?” There’s that smile again, sending waves of tiny butterflies in my chest.
“You walked to the driver’s seat. I thought you were going to take me somewhere secluded so I don’t kill anyone.”
His barking laugh is so addictive. “I was opening your door for you, silly girl.”
“Oh.” I’m so stupid. I cross around, and he holds the door open. “I guess chivalry isn’t dead.”
“For some of us it isn’t.”
He shuts the door and walks over to his side. Gosh, I’m freaking nervous. My hands shake so badly you could put a paint can in them and I’d have it mixed within seconds. And he called me “silly girl” again. Why the heck does that make my heart go wa-bam?
He sits and a wave of his amazing cologne hits my nostrils. I resist the urge to moan.
“Okay,” he says as he buckles. “You ready?”
Heart still going way too fast. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.
But I nod anyway.
“You’ve got your foot on the clutch?”
I nod. I know that much about manuals.
“Let’s start her up.”
I can’t get the stupid key in. My hands won’t stop shaking. Zak smiles, reaches over, brushing my hand, and turns the key.
The car vibrates up my butt and I let out a yelp.
Zak grins, totally holding back his laughter and says, “Nice. What kind of engine does this have?”
I shrug. I don’t think my voice can function right now.
“Okay, let’s put the car in reverse.” He looks down at the shifter and laughs. “You’ve got a funky one.”
“What?”
“You see the ‘R’?”
I look down, squinting at the tiny letter in the upper left corner next to the number ‘1’. “Yeah.”
“Well, that means you have to push the shifter down before going in gear. Watch me, and keep your foot on the clutch.”
He shifts so fast I blink a couple times before saying, “Wait. Show me again.”
He chuckles as he pulls it out of gear, then back in. “Did you see that time?”
I throw him a look. “Yes.”
“Okay, now feather the clutch.”
“I wanna what now?”
He shakes his head, stifling his laughter again. “Do you remember on Star Wars—”
“You’re seriously going to go there?” Now I’m stifling some major giggles.
“Let me finish. Millennium Falcon. Does Han Solo whip the lever down when he puts it in hyper drive?”
I totally know the answer. I still watch it every other week. But am I ready to be one-hundred percent Geek Zoe? Well, maybe right now. I mean, we’re not in school. And I know Zak won’t make fun of me or anything.
“No. He does it kinda slow.”
“That’s feathering. Ease your foot off the clutch.”
Okay, so the Star Wars reference works. Darn boy knows me better than I know myself. I “feather” the clutch, my foot shaking either from nerves or the vibrating engine, and the car rolls back.
I pull my foot off the clutch, startled from the sudden movement and the car lurches to a stop.
“It moved!”
Zak bends over, cackling between his legs. “It’s supposed to move, Zo.” He wipes tears from his eyes. My defenses pop in, but I can’t help but laugh with him, so I know he’s not going to take me seriously.
“Well, I’m sorry. I got scared. There are too many things to concentrate on. Shifting and the clutch, not to mention all the other stuff like the speed limit and you know, people in the road.” I shake my head, trying to get the smile off my face. “I can’t do this.”
“Relax, Zo. This is your first attempt. Everyone stalls. I still do sometimes.”
“There’s too much crap going on,” I say, folding my arms across my waist, my smile finally disappearing. I don’t feel like embarrassing myself anymore today. Especially in front of him.
“Tell you what. Put your hand on the shifter.”
I glare at him.
“Just do it. Trust me.”
I huff, but I slam my hand down on the stupid thing.
“Okay,” he says before setting his hand on mine. He weaves his fingers in between my own, and I swear I swallowed a drummer with the way my heart pounds in my throat. I steal a glance at him, and he looks like he’s about to sweat a rainstorm. “I-I’ll shift, you worry about the clutch.” He gulps and his grip tightens on my hand.
If he thinks this is less distracting, he’s dead wrong.
He goes to start the car for me again, leaning so close his breath tickles my neck. My head goes fuzzy as I picture him closing the distance between our bodies, forgetting I’m supposed to be doing something. His lips form words, but I don’t hear them. His scent is intoxicating, pulling me under. Holy crap! I’m going to pass out!
“Zo?”
“Huh?”
He chuckles. “Did you hear me?”
“Um, sorry what?”
“I need your foot on the clutch to start the car.”
I shake my head, wishing the fuzziness would wear off, but he smiles, and it makes everything blurry.
Somehow I concentrate enough to press my foot down. He starts the engine and leans back, taking the mouthwatering air with him. He moves my hand on the shifter.
“All right, take the Millennium Falcon into hyper drive.”
I chuckle and ease out the clutch. When the car moves this time, I don’t jump.
“What do I do when I get to the road???
? I ask as I near the end of my driveway.
“Push down on the clutch, put your foot on the brake, and wait for me to shift.”
Whoa. Lot of words. “What?!”
“Don’t freak out. You’re doing fine.”
The car bumps off the curb as I turn onto the road. I try to remember what he said, but in my haste I put the clutch through the floor and slam on the brake.
At least the car’s still running.
Zak doesn’t say anything about my jerky stop, but purses his lips together and shakes with silent chuckles. He moves my hand.
“Do it again.”
If he means stall, I comply.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, it’ll happen more than once. Try again.” He leans over me to start the car. I consider stalling it on purpose if he’s going to come this close to me when I do.
I’m pretty good once the car gets going. Shifting from first to second to third isn’t as hard as when I come to a complete stop and start going again. I try to avoid stop signs and traffic lights.
“Pull into this parking lot,” Zak says pointing out my window.
I do, then park the car in a spot overlooking a giant field.
I cut the engine the way I’m supposed to this time. Zak releases his hold on my hand, and I realize how sweaty his must’ve been because the breeze instantly catches on my skin.
“Ready to do it by yourself?” he asks, gazing around the vacant lot. “Pretty sure you won’t kill anyone out here.”
I want to give him a playful punch in the arm, but I’m still too nervous slash exhilarated from the drive.
“Maybe in a minute.” Crap. My voice totally shakes.
“Are you okay?”
I nod.
“Really, you did just fine. Especially for your first time.”
I lean back on the headrest, taking deep breaths. If only he knew it isn’t just the driving making me all flustered and crazy.
The tension in the car must make him flustered too, because he stammers out his next question, which comes out of nowhere.
“So, you and Levi, huh?”
Chapter 9
Hi, Zoe. It’s Zoe. We haven’t spoken for a while.
“It’s not like that,” I say, opening my eyes and grinning. I can’t help but feel happy he’s interested, even though I feel more guilty about the whole make-out-with-random-guy thing.
“Not like what?”
“We’re not dating or anything.”
He puckers his forehead and his dark eyes narrow. Whoops, maybe not the right thing to say.
“You always kiss guys you aren’t dating?”
Yeah, definitely not the right thing to say. I can hear the double meaning behind the question and my insides turn to mulch. “It was just… a mistake. That’s all. I’ve had a bad week.”
That’s the understatement of the year.
“Want to talk about it?”
Yes. I want to be back in his living room with the Nintendo controller, spilling my guts about how fake and stupid I am, how Cody assaulted me, and how every night I cover myself and read comic books. But nothing escapes my tongue. It’s too much, and I’m not allowed to dump it on him. Since he’s not my friend and all.
“I’m sorry I asked,” he says, shifting in his seat. “I just—”
“Worry?” A smile forms on my lips, but I don’t look at him.
“Yeah.”
“Why?” I keep my eyes locked on a speck on the window.
“Why what?”
“Why do you worry about me?”
I hate it when he hesitates. Every breath I take during the silence I get more and more self-conscious and question why I say the stupid things I say.
“I dunno. I guess I-I’ll always worry about you, Zo.”
It doesn’t answer my question, but I don’t care. I can’t help the smile that glues onto my face as I finally look at him.
“Nice.”
He furrows his brow at my amused tone. “What?”
I poke his shoulder. “Episode 34?”
He raises his eyes to the ceiling and smirks. “Yeah. I think you’re right. I didn’t mean to steal the line, though. I meant it.”
I laugh and he smiles with me.
“I still can’t believe you remember all of it.”
“I don’t have amnesia. And it hasn’t been that long.”
He nods. “Feels like it has though.”
There he goes, sucking the fun out of the conversation again. I try to bring it back. “How was the documentary?”
“You really want to know? You did dive out my window to avoid it.”
Crap. Why do I fall so easily into Geek Zoe around him?
“No. Just trying small talk,” I lie.
He takes a deep breath, and starts picking at a hole in his jeans. “I’d much rather hear about you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know that thing I walked in on? Did it contribute to your bad week?”
Yes, but I’m so not talking about it. “No.”
Yikes! I didn’t mean to sound so rude. Like, we were totally having a good time and I snap at him.
He leans back, his eyes a bit wide. “S-sorry. It’s none of my business.”
What the heck? It’s totally his business! I mean, he stopped Cody from… going further. I barked down his throat afterward. And he doesn’t look down on me because of it. He worries about me.
Why does he worry about me? It doesn’t make any sense! I ditched him. Kicked him right out of my life and kept him far from me so I wouldn’t have to endure High School Emotional Hell.
And it’s worked, for the most part.
Then Cody attacked me, and I’ve tried all my mightiest to forget about it.
But I haven’t forgotten.
At all.
And I haven’t talked to anyone either.
Tears prick the edges of my eyes, and I blink them back. No, no, no. I’m not going to cry, dang it. I will get through this without crying. That will make it seem like I’ve made a mistake by being Popular Zoe. Which I haven’t.
Right?
Taking a large gulp to rid my mouth of the building saliva, I huff out a barely audible response. “What you saw with Cody… it’s not usually like that.”
His neck turns toward me so fast I think his head may spin off. “What do you mean?” His tone is soft, soothing, full of concern. You know, all those emotions I don’t deserve.
“If you hadn’t come over, he would have… I’m pretty sure he was gonna…” Something in my voice box shuts down and I can’t keep going.
He leans forward, face inches away from mine. If he wants me to talk, this won’t help. I can barely concentrate with him so close.
“Why did you lie to me?”
I shrug.
“Zoe.” He puts his hands on mine. His skin feels so good and my inhibitions about everything, all of it, disappear. I want to talk to him. One-hundred percent as myself.
A shaky breath escapes my lips before I answer. “I was scared.” Oh gosh. Here comes the flood. I turn my face from him so he doesn’t see it starting. How can I explain what’s going through my mind? How can I tell him without crying? How…? Just… how?
“And I-I deserved it.”
His mouth pops open. “What did you say?”
“I said I was scared.” I know what he means, but I don’t want to repeat myself.
He leans back, letting go of my hands and kneading his forehead. “Tell me why you think you deserve to be sexually harassed.”
Honesty, Zoe.
“Because I’m a slut.” Because I let people believe I’m a slut. Cody probably thought I’d lead him straight to the vault, and when I didn’t—
“No you’re not.” His face flushes, like he shot off a comment without thinking. I raise my eyebrows. “I mean… I don’t think…”
My heart flutters as he tries to find the words. I let him off the hook because really, he’s giving me a lot m
ore than he knows. And I’m being stupid anyway.
“Thank you.”
“For?”
I blink like crazy, trying to keep those cursed tears back, but I’m not successful. I’m crying, dang it. And I can’t stop. “For thinking more of me than I’m worth.”
Zak wipes my cheeks, which isn’t helping because I don’t freaking deserve his concern right now. So I cry harder.
“I’m sorry this happened to you,” he says, shaking as he goes to tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear, but can’t seem to get it right. I chuckle and he moves his hand to wipe the tears from my face again. I’m glad the shifter is between us. I think I’m about to lose it and crawl into his arms. I can’t do that without wanting more from him.
He drops his hand. “No matter what you think, you don’t deserve it.”
I open my mouth to argue but he cuts me off. “You. Don’t. Deserve. It.”
I nod, even though he’s only half right. I don’t deserve to be attacked, but Popular Zoe signed up for this reputation. That’s the price I pay for feeling accepted.
My tears turn to sniffles and Zak leans back. My body aches without him holding onto me and my bottom lip almost juts out.
Come back please. Just hold me a little longer.
The silence stretches between us, but it’s not awkward. I feel relieved, like I’m finally being myself for the first time in a long time. A breath of fresh air, a weight off my shoulders, and all those other good-feeling clichés.
He gulps and wipes his palms on his jeans. “You ready to get going?”
I sigh and look at the clock. It’s getting close to dinner, and I know Zak needs to get home, but I really don’t want him to.
“I guess.”
He chuckles. “Unless you want to grab something to eat?”
I want to. I really do. I want to sit with him and talk. Catch up, find out more about his life now, and talk Spiderman, Star Trek, Call of Duty, and everything else under the geeky sun. Maybe come up with a few kick-ass quantum theories.
But I can’t risk being seen with him. What would people think? I wish I could openly date him, or at least try, because I have no idea how deep his feelings go for me, especially after all the crap I’ve pulled. But I’m too terrified of high school becoming middle school all over again. Besides, Zak deserves someone way better than me. I can only imagine the swirling gossip, and especially since the conversation I had with Keira today, the repercussions of going out with him would chop the head off of my social status. That shouldn’t be what I’m concerned about when I’m with him. But just thinking about it all makes my heart kick-start into a fury and my breathing become freaky erratic.