“What’s wrong?” he asks, slowly getting to his feet.
“I worry about you.”
He smirks—that beautiful smile that plays my heart strings like a harp. “Do you… I mean, are you up for another driving lesson tomorrow?”
“I thought you worked on Tuesdays.” Again my mouth shoots off before I can control it. If he realizes how much I know about him he’s going to think I’m a stalker.
“Not this week.”
“Oh.”
He chuckles as he waits for me to answer, but my mind isn’t focused on what he’s saying.
“Zoe?”
“Um, yeah. Tomorrow’s fine.”
He nods, and I turn back around to open the door.
“Hey,” Zak says, stopping me again.
“Hmm?”
“Will you not tell my mom about this?”
I force a smile. “Mum’s the word.”
“And here.” He tosses his jeans at me. “Please don’t run across the street without pants on.”
Chapter 12
I’m a shit.
I’m so glad I closed my window last night because I probably made some very embarrassing noises in my sleep. I blame his jeans being stuffed in my face while I slept. Yes, I’m that big of a fool to sleep with them like a teddy bear.
Stretching out on the bed, I pick up my phone, which is blinking at me with about twenty messages.
The first few are from Keira, asking me if I hooked up with Levi yesterday since she couldn’t get a hold of me. Then—speak of the devil—there’s about ten from Levi, who’s carrying on a conversation with himself apparently, because I didn’t text back.
The last message scrolls up, which I assume is Levi again, but my stomach lurches when I see Zak’s name.
Thanks.
Oh boy. I can’t tell if I’m happy or sad or angry or frustrated or relieved or guilty. I’m torn so many places I can’t put my head on straight.
What have I done? It’s okay for me to have nerdy fantasies. But he can’t latch onto me. I’m no good for him.
I set my phone back on the nightstand without replying and chuck Zak’s jeans across the room, pissed at myself for letting my guard down. It’s not like my poor attempt at deleting that message from his dad was at all successful. I should’ve let it go.
But thinking of his face as he heard his dad’s voice made me happy he wasn’t alone, even if he had to be with a fake bitch like me.
Getting dressed poses a dilemma. For some bizarre reason, I feel like more of a dirty whore than usual as I tug on tight jeans and corseted top. Very cute and sexy, and really pushing the dress code boundaries with the bursting cleavage.
And so not me today.
But it has to be me today.
I shrug on my leather jacket, whipping my hair out so it flows down my back. Sighing, I grab my purse and Chemistry book, and zip out the door.
Walking to school in heels sucks butt. Hope’s been giving me rides, but she’s late most of the time, and I really can’t miss any more classes.
The hallway’s buzzing by the time I get to school and as usual it’s almost impossible to fit in the student union. As I slide between two tall guys I see some people over by the vending machines, doing replays of the last football game. Josh plows into Tyler’s side while the girls squeal. I roll my eyes, which land on the “loners” chipping at their black nail polish. That stuff is so hard to get off. Especially the glitter kind. I’d ask them what their secret is, but again, they’re out of my social league.
A few people play bad guitar for a “pretending to be interested” crowd. And Keira sits in the midst of four guys, flirting away as she lightly touches her cleavage, strokes their arms, and giggles at their probably less than funny, inappropriate comments.
I make my way over, really trying not to pout and knowing if I don’t walk over there people will wonder what’s wrong with me. Three of the four guys surrounding Keira gravitate in my direction as I walk up.
Geek Zoe, you have to leave now.
“Lookin’ hot,” Jesse says, eyes locked on my boobs. Makes me wonder if he’s talking to me or them.
BJ throws an arm over my shoulders and slaps a kiss on my cheek.
Yup, life seems to have gone on just fine even though I felt like I was in another world yesterday. I smile at the attention I’m getting by simply walking in the door. “Hi, Zoe!” and “Sup, girl?” and, just like Jesse, “Lookin’ hot!” phrases are sent my way.
I’m ready to pull out from under BJ’s arm, but I remember Popular Zoe would stay there. Obviously the breakup between me and Cody has made its official rounds, and since I threw myself at Levi so quickly, I’m sure the word “loose” has my picture next to it in the social dictionary. If it didn’t already.
Hunter keeps his distance, though he walked over with the other two boys. His eyes graze the crown of my head to my glittery toenails with a questioning look. I tug at my corset and my boobs almost pop out.
“What?”
He shakes his head and mumbles, “Oh, hi.”
I’m about to ask him what that look was for, but Keira interrupts my thoughts.
“Hey, Zoe.” Keira’s voice has a bite to it, like I purposely tried to steal the attention.
“Hey.”
“I heard you and Cody split.” Jesse runs his hand through his hair and smiles like he’s waiting for me to throw myself at him.
Subtle.
“Yeah.”
“D’ya know what he’s been sayin’?” BJ cocks an eyebrow at me, but it’s not nearly as sexy as when Zak does it.
“No. And I don’t care.” I sit down on the carpeted steps next to Keira, and she hands me a granola bar.
Hunter keeps his lips pressed tight together, still looking at me like I have the plague. BJ shuffles his feet before nudging Keira’s shoe.
“What?” she nearly shrieks at him. “If she doesn’t care, then she doesn’t need to know.”
Taking my time, I study each of their faces. The guys all look like lost puppies, and Keira looks almost bored.
I groan. “Fine. What did he say?”
No one answers. Gosh, what the hell is so bad? If he said I didn’t put out, that’s not so bad, but if he made up a lie, which sounds more like him, I’m not sure what to expect.
I nudge Keira a little too hard in the arm.
“Ow. Geez. He just said you gave him Chlamydia.”
“What?!” I bark out laughing. “He’s insane.”
“So it’s not true?” Hunter asks, perking right up.
“Hell no.”
The small group breathes a collective sigh. Hunter actually slides between me and Keira, setting his hand dangerously close to my butt. I allow it, though I feel like smacking him across the face.
Sure, they give Popular Zoe a chance to explain herself. They give her the time of day when rumors fly around about her. But the second they find out Popular Zoe is actually Geek Zoe in disguise they’ll all laugh at her.
“I knew he was full of shit.” Keira reaches over Hunter to pat my knee, but I can see her real intention is to give Hunter a better boob shot.
“Well, if he has Chlamydia, he didn’t get it from me.”
“You going to go get tested then?”
I shake my head. “No need. We didn’t get that far.”
It was like I said some dirty word with the way the boys stare at me. Hunter drops his hand from my waist and recoils. BJ gawks like an idiot and Jesse’s eyes finally leave my boobs and rest on my own, waiting for a punch line or something.
Only Keira rolls her eyes. “Yeah, okay.”
I let it go. No point in arguing with people who won’t believe me anyway. Hope would back me up, but darn girl is late. The boys relax again after I don’t say anything, either assuming I was only joking, or because Keira moved on to a more interesting subject, I don’t know. But I’m not sure if I care either. My mind’s not in the conversation. Soon the first bell rings and people scurry off
to class.
I pull my purse back over my shoulder and snug my chemistry book to my chest. I have to get to my locker before first period, but Hunter will not let go of me.
“I’ll walk you to class,” he says, tucking his hand into my back pocket. Guess he couldn’t help himself this time.
He leads me to my locker, hand firmly on my butt cheek the whole way. I feel sick, and I’m ready to slug him, but the envious stares I receive make me hold back.
Popular Zoe would want this. Hunter is hot. He’s been lip locked with the same girl for about a year, but since Lindsay cheated on him last week, he’s fresh on the market. Probably looking for someone to make him forget.
And it’s obvious who his choice is.
A smile creeps onto my face again as I realize exactly how awesome I am at this stuff. Guys want me. Girls want to be me.
Well, fake me. But I can’t think like that.
Bending down at my locker to swap books, I’m finally released from his grasp. He leans against the other lockers as he waits for me.
“Hey, Zo.”
Ah. Only one person calls me Zo. And now my stomach is in my butt.
Zak shuffles his feet on the other side of me, the locker door separating us. My face probably looks like the inside of a toaster. I can’t talk to him in front of Hunter. But I don’t want to hurt him either.
I suck in a deep breath through my nostrils. “Uh, hi.” Crap, my voice is shaking. I need to sound confident. I need to sound, I don’t know, like I’m not crazy about him.
My eyes flicker to Hunter’s face who is suppressing a giant laugh.
Oh gosh. Breathe, Zoe.
“I, um, wanted to know if…” Zak stops. I close my locker and try to paste a mask on. Anything that’ll make Hunter not look at me like I’ve got poop smeared all over my face.
“Wanted to know what?” Argh. I hate this. I can tell I’m hurting Zak by the way he’s staring at me. And Hunter scoots closer, snuggling in the curve of my shoulder.
I feel like such a bitch.
Zak’s eyes zap between me and horny boy. He slides his tongue over his lips before continuing. “I wanted to know if you needed a ride home today.”
Hunter moves his head from my neck and looks at me, eyebrows raised and mouth hanging open.
I can’t blow up my cheeks now. I want to. I’m really trying not to. But I’m in major panic mode. He’s going to tell everyone I’m talking with my geeky next-door neighbor. He’s going to tell them I need a ride from the boy who’s an active player at the D&D table.
Then the real gossip will begin.
The truth might get out.
Oh gosh.
“Look, Zak,” I stumble over the name, like I’m not sure if it’s right, “this is starting to get really sad.” Hunter laughs, but it doesn’t make me feel better. I’m almost in tears as I go from fake bitch, to real-life bitch. “A piece of advice, get a new hobby. Stalking isn’t working.”
The words are out and the look on Zak’s face is the same one as last night. The one I never wanted to see again. Hunter tugs me to first period, jamming his hand in my back pocket before either me or Zak can say anything else.
I don’t look over my shoulder. I can’t. Think of all the bitchy words in existence, and they don’t even come close to describing me.
I’m crying now, but Hunter doesn’t even notice. His eyes are locked on my boobs. By the time I get to my class, I’ve wiped my face clean.
“Thanks. I can take it from here,” I say as I pull the door open to Ms. Weber’s classroom. I can’t help but think if Zak was here, and if I hadn’t just stabbed him in the gut, he’d open the door for me, without going all cross-eyed at my exploding bosoms.
***
On the walk home, I seriously wish I wasn’t so insecure. Zak’s face won’t leave my head, and I spent all day either looking for him or avoiding him depending on who I was with. I even drafted up a few text messages. Logged on to FB and sent some IMs. But I did it all in the stalls of the girls’ bathroom. Or I made sure no one was looking over my shoulder in the library. How can I say “Whoops! Sorry about that whole stalker thing,” when I’m still doing the same shit? So I never sent the messages.
I’m a freaking horrible person, I know.
And I really could’ve used a ride since Hope bailed on me. I take off my heels as soon as I hit the sidewalk of my street. The muscles in my feet send up their gratitude and the first real smile I’ve had today soaks my expression.
I hate rule three.
My house is empty. Seirra’s not home from school yet, since she gets out later than me. Charter schools. Bleck. I’m glad my parents didn’t force me into one.
Mom and Dad are working. Always working.
There’s a note on the counter telling me dinner’s made and in the fridge whenever we get hungry. Also a “friendly” reminder that Sierra’s butt is grounded, and I have to make sure she stays home.
I slink upstairs, still feeling like banging my face on the walls. I really hate myself today.
I mean, I hate myself most days. But today…
Yeah. I suck.
I try to rationalize the stupid reactions I have when I’m at school. Telling myself I only acted that way to Zak because he can’t fall for someone like me, but that’s a big-ass lie.
I’m not who I used to be. Not really. Zak should know that. He’s been a witness to it since we started high school. If he keeps bugging me it’s his own fault.
But he’s not bugging me. I asked him to teach me to drive. I played four hours of Lord of the Rings with him. I leapt the distance between our windows so I could stop that voicemail.
And it’s me who can’t seem to get past my insecurities. The desire to have the attention, to be liked and popular, keeps me from being myself.
Popular Zoe needs to go to sleep now. I’m tired of her.
I look down at my corset. The stupid thing keeps digging into my sides. I yank the snaps open and chuck it across the room. Finding the most boring bra I own, I pull it on, then cover my top half with my Harry Potter shirt.
The comforter on the bed still smells like Zak’s cologne, so when I toss it over my head, all the pain I try to escape intensifies.
There aren’t words harsh enough to describe how evil I am.
I have to make it up to him. Not just because his douche of a father called last night. Because he’s my…
I gulp.
Friend.
Or at least, I want him to be.
I think.
No.
I know.
I do want him to be my friend again. Not just because I like who I am with him, but because no matter how awful I’ve been to him, he’s always been the opposite to me.
Chapter 13
Why do I try to make things better? I suck at it.
I pull on a bright pink hoodie to cover my shirt. I’m still wearing my tight jeans, so no worries this time about going over in just my underwear.
Snatching his pants off the floor, I peek out the window to see if his is open.
It’s not.
Darn it. Guess I’ll have to go over the traditional way, even if that means getting a door slammed in my face.
After knocking, I shove my hands into the front pocket of my sweater. I think there’s a sensor or something on his porch that increases heart rates. My pulse beats out of my neck.
Mrs. Gibbons answers, wearing her security uniform.
“Zoe!”
“Hi, Maddie.”
“Come in, please.”
The smell of pumpkin spice tickles my nostrils and sends waves of memories into my brain when I get inside. Mrs. Gibbons makes the best pumpkin cheesecake.
“Two days in a row,” she says her eyes beaming. “I take it you’re reconnecting with my little Zakary?”
Am I that transparent? Is “I’m friends with a sexy nerd” written all over my body? I attempt one of those half smiles Zak does, but I feel a little queasy.
“You know…” She pulls me under her arm and taps a finger across my nose. “I used to be envious of you two.”
My eyebrows shoot upward and I wish she’d pull back. Nothing like a fresh wave of guilt to top off the nausea.
“I never had a friend who lived so close to me. Well, at least one I had so much in common with.”
She squeezes my shoulders.
“Zak is lucky he has someone like you to talk to.”
There goes my stomach falling into my butt again. Yeah, he’s sure lucky to have someone like me. Someone who will hop into his room when no one is around, but the second she senses someone laughing at her for talking with him, she calls him a stalker and tells him to leave her alone. I’m a real good buddy.
“Um…” Yeah, that’s all I can get to come out my mouth. Maybe puke if she keeps talking.
She giggles as she leaves my personal bubble. “I’ll go get him.”
She doesn’t yell up the stairs like normal moms do. She actually goes and gets him. I take another big inhale, letting the spice fill my nostrils. Ah, I miss this house. I miss feeling comfortable here. If it was back in the day, I wouldn’t have even used the door. Zak’s window would’ve been open, and I’d impress him with my ninja window-jumping skills, challenge him to a two-hour Dr. Who trivia session, and any fight we may have just had would be long forgotten. I shuffle my feet in the entryway, trying to shut off the thing in my nose that allows me to smell. But that just makes me sneeze.
“Bless you.”
Zak takes his time going down the stairs, like he’s afraid I’m going to suddenly bite him or something.
Yeah, I don’t blame him.
“Thanks.”
“What do you want?”
He seems to ask that a lot. And I never give him an honest answer.
“Uh, here,” I say, holding his jeans out.
He cocks his eyebrow in that awesome sexy way and takes them.
“You washed them already?”
Crap. “No, sorry.”
He shrugs and tosses them down the hall toward the laundry room.
“That all?” He tucks his hands in his back pockets, his plaid overshirt opening to reveal his Team Fred and George T-shirt.
My mouth fires off without me thinking. “Did you wear that shirt to school today?”