And all the while, I cling to the four words—Wesley Ayers is alive—because I still haven’t seen him. The Archive is still closed and my list is still blank, and all I have are those four words and Agatha’s warning buzzing around in my head.
“Mackenzie Bishop!”
Lyndsey launches herself at me, throws her arms around my neck, and I stagger back, wincing. Beneath my long sleeves and my apron, I am a web of bruises and bandages. I could hide most of the damage from my parents, but not the wrist. I claimed it was a bad fall on one of my runs. It wasn’t one of my strongest lies, but I am so tired of lying. Lyndsey is still hugging me. With my ring on, she sounds like rain and harmony and too-loud laughter, but the noise is worth it, and I don’t pull back or push away.
“You came,” I say, smiling. It feels good to smile.
“Duh. Nice apron, by the way,” she says, gesturing to the massive B on its front. “Mom and Dad are around here somewhere. And good job, Mrs. Bishop, this place is full!”
“Free caffeine and sugar, a recipe for making friends,” I say, watching my mother flit between tables.
“You’ll have to give me a proper tour later—Hey, is that Guyliner?”
She cocks her head toward the patio doors, and everything stops.
His eyes are tired, his skin a touch too pale, but he’s there with his spiked hair and his black-rimmed eyes and his hands buried in his pockets. And then, as if he can feel my eyes on him, Wes finds my gaze across the room, and beams.
“It is,” I say, my chest tightening.
But rather than cross the crowded café, Wes nods once in the direction of the lobby and walks out.
“Well, go on, then,” says Lynds, pushing me with a giggle. “I’ll serve myself.” She leans across the counter, swipes a cookie.
I pull off the apron, tossing it to Lyndsey as I trail Wes through the lobby—where more people are milling about with coffee—down the hall and past the study and out into the garden. When we reach the world of moss and vine, he stops and turns, and I throw my arms around him, relishing the drums and the bass and the metal rock as they wash over me, blotting out the pain and guilt and fear and blood of the last time we touched. We both wince but hold on. I listen to the sound of him, as strange and steady as a heartbeat, and then I must have tightened my grip, because he gasps and says, “Gently, there,” and braces himself against the back of a bench, one palm gingerly against his stomach. “I swear, you’re just looking for excuses to get your hands on me.”
“You caught me,” I say, closing my eyes when they start to burn. “I’m so sorry,” I say into his shirt.
He laughs, then hisses in pain. “Hey, don’t be. I know you can’t help yourself.”
I laugh tightly. “I’m not talking about the hug, Wes.”
“Then what are you apologizing for?”
I pull back and look him in the eyes. “For everything that happened.” His brow creases, and my heart sinks.
“Wes,” I say slowly, “you do remember, don’t you?”
He looks at me, confused. “I remember making a date to hunt with you. Nine sharp.” He eases himself onto the stone bench. “But to be honest, I don’t remember anything about the next day. I don’t remember being stabbed. Patrick said that’s normal. Because of trauma.”
Everything aches as I sink down onto the bench beside him. “Yeah…”
“What should I remember, Mac?”
I sit and stare at the stones that make up the garden floor.
Knowledge is power, but ignorance can be a blessing.
Maybe Agatha is right. I think of that moment in the stacks when Roland told me about altering, when he warned me what happened to those who failed and were dismissed. That moment when I hated him for telling me, when I wished I could go back. But there is no going back.
So can’t we just go forward?
I don’t want to hurt Wes anymore. I don’t want to cause him pain, make him relive the betrayal. And after Agatha’s unfriendly meeting, I have no desire to disobey the Archive. But what sets me over the edge is the fact that there, in my mind, louder than all those other thoughts, is this:
I don’t want to confess.
I don’t want to confess because I don’t want to remember. But Wesley doesn’t have that choice, and the only reason he’s missing that time is because of me.
The truth is a messy thing, but I tell it.
We sit in the garden as the day stretches out, and I tell him everything. The easy and the hard. He listens, and frowns, and doesn’t interrupt, except to punctuate with a small “Oh” or “Wow” or “What?”
And after all of it, when he finally speaks, the only thing he says is, “Why couldn’t you come to me?”
I’m about to tell him about Roland’s orders, but that’s only a partial truth, so I start again.
“I was running away.”
“From what?”
“I don’t know. The Archive. That life. This. Ben. Me.”
“What’s so wrong with you?” he asks. “I quite like you.” And then, a moment later, he adds, “I just can’t believe I lost to a skinny blond guy with a knife.”
I laugh. Pain ripples through me, but it’s worth it. “It was a very big knife,” I say.
Silence settles over us. Wes is the one to break it.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
I close my eyes. “I don’t know, Wes. Everything hurts. I don’t know how to make it stop. It hurts when I breathe. It hurts when I think. I feel like I’m drowning, and it’s my fault, and I don’t know how to be okay. I don’t know if I can be okay. I don’t know if I should be allowed to be okay.”
Wesley knocks his shoulder against mine.
“We’re a team, Mac,” he says. “We’ll get through this.”
“Which part?” I ask.
He smiles. “All of it.”
And I smile back, because I want him to be right.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
TO MY FATHER, for liking this book more than the first one. And for wanting to tell everyone. And to my mother, for elbowing my father every time he did. To Mel, for always knowing what to say. And to the rest of my family, who smiled and nodded even when they weren’t sure what I was doing.
To my agent, Holly, for putting up with the often pathetic—but undeniably cute—animal pictures I use to explain my emotional state, and for believing in me and in this book.
To my editor, Abby, for building this world brick by brick beside me, then helping me tear it down and build it again out of stronger stone. And to Laura, for every bit of mortar added. It is a joy and an adventure.
To my freakishly talented cover designer, Tyler, and to my entire publishing family at Disney-Hyperion, for making me feel like I am home.
To my friends, who bolstered me with bribes and threats and promises, and followed through. Specifically, to Beth Revis, for her stern looks and gold stars when I needed them most. To Rachel Hawkins, for brightening every day with a laugh or a photo of Jon Snow. To Carrie Ryan, for mountain walks and long talks and for being an incredible person. To Stephanie Perkins, for shining so brightly when I needed a light. To Ruta Sepetys, for believing in me, often more than I believe in myself. To Myra McEntire, for dragging me back from the cliffs of insanity. To Tiffany Schmidt, for reading, and for loving Wesley so much. To Laura Whitaker, for the tea and good talks. To Patricia and Danielle, for the kindness and the care. And to the Black Mountain crew, who helped me meet my deadline and then thrust a flask and a jar of Nutella into my hands immediately afterward.
To my Liverpool housemates, for always wanting to help, whether it was making tea or creating quiet spaces so I could work. And to my New York housemates, for not giving me weird looks when they find me talking to myself, or rocking in corners, or when I burst into nervous laughter.
To the online community, for its constant love and support.
To the readers, who make every bad day
good and every good day better.
And to Neil Gaiman, for the hug.
Victoria Schwab, The Archived
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