Jason felt that he could be more himself then his cerebral palsy allowed people to see. So they talked about impersonal things like music. And as much music as he sent, she still asked for more. She couldn’t believe that a 19 year old white guy knew more about hip hop then she did. He pulled up links to rap tunes like KRS-One Boogie Down Productions, or explained that he was loving a beat from a Jazz musician by the name of Bob James and this tuned called Nautilus. Then she’d get so excited and say that her mother used to play that song when she was a kid. Sweetheart’s enthusiasm kept him online chatting well into the night. And then she said, I gotta get up for church tomorrow so I better go. He said ‘goodnight Sweetheart’ and she sent him an emoticon kiss.
He felt very good when he signed off and went to bed. He dreamed that he and Sweetheart were sitting right next to each other listening to music, only Sweetheart looked a lot like Robin.
***
Robin dragged herself out of bed. She had talked to Jason until after midnight and now she was paying the price. Church started at eleven but Mama liked being there by 10:30 so she was forced to get up early enough to be presentable.
“Robin.” Mama beamed when she opened the door. “You look gorgeous.” She received a peck on the cheek even before she could step into the house. Robin grinned. She thought her mother was the one that was gorgeous and she loved when she was happy and upbeat. She was tall, with honey skin, grey eyes—she was more fit then Robin ever had been. Her Mother did everything that a person ‘should do’; from exercising, eating right, and of course—going to college and getting an acceptable job.
She stepped into the comfortable house, her eyes automatically moving to the photographs of Daddy. It didn’t make her that sad anymore, but she missed him not one ounce less than she had on the very day that he had left them. After the service they went to Perkins for brunch, and while they waited for their order Robin decided to tell Mama of her decision.
“Mom, when did you want to go to the Bahamas?”
“I was thinking right after Christmas.” It was October now so that was more than two months. Her mother gave her a hopeful look.
Robin sighed. “I want to go with you.”
Mama made a happy whooping sound. “Oh Robin! Are you going to be able to get off work?”
“I don’t think it’s going to be a problem. I’ve never scheduled a day off in all of these months, so I’ll make it my Christmas leave. Besides, I’m not working at the restaurant anymore, so it’s just Pinnacle.”
Mom’s arched brow rose. “Oh?”
Robin cleared her throat. “It was too hard working two jobs.” She peeked at her mother preparing for her to bring up, once more, that she wouldn’t have to work two jobs if she had a college education. But Mama just listened with interest.
“Working as an aid pays more?”
“Yeah it does. And I can get more hours.” She shrugged.
“How’s that old lady?”
“She’s not doing so well. She had to be placed in an Elder Care Facility. I’m working with someone else now.”
“Oh? Who?”
“I’m working with a young man who has Cerebral Palsy.”
“Oh, that’s so sad.”
“It is, but he can do most things himself.” Robin began warming up to the conversation. In the past they couldn’t talk about her job without Mama ruining it by bringing up something unpleasant. Robin told her about how talented Jason was and how he had created music that was very popular. But Mama didn’t understand YouTube so didn’t take the fact that he had over 100,000 views as the big accomplishment that it was.
“Well how old is this boy?”
“Nineteen.”
“Nineteen? That’s a man. What do you do for him? You don’t have to…bathe him or anything, do you?”
Robin’s mouth opened and she thought suddenly of touching his penis. Her cheeks felt warm. “No. I just…make sure he doesn’t have complications when he’s having a seizure. And I help him around his college classes…” Her voice suddenly trailed off as Mama flashed her a piercing look.
“You mean, this boy, with Cerebral Palsy goes to college?”
Robin looked at anything but her Mama. “Cerebral Palsy doesn’t mean that he’s mentally retarded. It just means that he can’t control his muscle movements.”
Mama twisted her lips but didn’t speak whatever was on her mind, which most obviously was why a boy with Cerebral Palsy knew to go to college while her own daughter didn’t.
But her mother surprised her by just changing the subject all together. “I’m really happy you’re going to the Bahamas. It’s going to be so much fun! This can be like…a new start to everything, you know?”
Robin gave her a wide-eyed look. “I think so, too, Mama.” She smiled and it was the most real smile that she’d given her mother in months.
When Robin got home that afternoon she was excited at the prospect of chatting with Jason and listening to some good music. She changed into shorts and a t-shirt and carried the laptop to her bed where she plumped her pillows and got comfortable.
She logged into Yahoo and saw the smiling icon that let her know that Jason was signed on.
~Hey, what’s up?~ She typed.
~Hey Sweetheart. How was church?~ She couldn’t stop grinning at the way he referred to her as Sweetheart.
~Good. Thanks. Are you working on music?~
~Kinda. Just digging for breaks~
~What’s digging for breaks?~
~Basically…I’m listening to music trying to find the right sound, beats etc~
~Haha. We do that every day. Find anything interesting?~ Immediately two links appeared. They were two old school rappers that she had never even heard of. And when she mentioned that, he was amazed and proceeded to ‘school her’ on the origins of rap, naming people that she was amazed he would even know; Like Big Daddy Kane and Slick Rick.
~Do you only listen to black music?~
~Girl, you amaze me. Music doesn’t have a color!~
Robin chuckled.
~You know what I mean~
~No, to the first question, Yes to the second~ He sent her another link and she immediately began playing it. It was…opera.
~What the-?~
~Don’t type. Listen~ She did as he requested. She leaned back against her pillows and watched the video. The man’s operatic voice was against a funky beat and she was amazed when she felt chills running up her spine. What the hell was this?! It wasn’t opera exactly. She tried to make out the name; Vitas-Lucia Di Lammermoorr (il dolce suono).
~What the hell was that, TOP? It was awesome! I got chills!~
~LOL. It’s called Tripopera~
~YOU’RE MAKING THAT UP!!!~
~Lol. No I’m not~
~I’m going to find SOMETHING that you’ve never heard before~
~That would be great! Go for it~
They talked for several hours, about nothing more benign then music--until she begged off in order to go to bed.
~Work tomorrow?~
She hesitated.
~Yeah~
~What do you do?~
She didn’t like this; she didn’t like this at all. She had never lied to him during this entire time that she’d chatted with him. The only lie she’d told was the lie by omission. She obviously couldn’t tell him the truth about what she did if she didn’t want him to figure out who she was.
~I work in the restaurant business…so talk to you tomorrow?~
~Sure. I’ll be on in the evening after I get home from school and take care of some things. Have a goodnight, Sweetheart~
~You, too, TOP~
Whenever he called her Sweetheart it made her smile. No…it made her more than smile; it made her heart flutter.
***
The next day Robin was excited to see Jason. It seemed that it had been forever since she’d last seen him when it had only been two days. She retrieved his braces from the trunk and hurried up the walkway. She rang the bell, trying t
o keep her face from lighting up when the door opened.
“Hi, Robin.” He said as he wheeled away. He had barely looked at her.
She stood there on the stoop, quiet for a moment. “Good morning.” She finally mumbled to herself. She shut the door behind her and followed him into the kitchen.
“Thanks for bringing those.” He wheeled up to the table and continued eating his Cheerios. “Can you make some coffee, please?”
“Sure.” She placed the braces on the table and began the process of boiling water in the kettle. “So how was your weekend?” His eyes stayed glued to the newspaper.
“It was good.”
“Oh.” She measured out coffee into the press. “Did you make any music?”
He glanced at her. “No.”
Disappointed at his bare minimum answers, she moved about the kitchen; collecting his travel mug, cream and sugar. When he didn’t try to continue the conversation she decided to just shut up. Why had he been so talkative on the internet? Because he was talking to someone other than her, that’s why…
“Is there anything you want me to do for you?” She mumbled after she had his coffee made. He looked at her as if he was surprised that she was still there.
“No.” He picked up the braces from the table where she’d placed them and wheeled out of the room. Her face dropped as soon as he was no longer present.
Well what did I ever do to him? Then she became a little angry because she had at least tried to be friendly, and he hadn’t. Well screw it. She didn’t need his friendship! She just did the dishes and thought about ending this day that had only just begun.
Jason was in his bedroom struggling with the button on his pants and cursing the fact that his fingers wouldn’t cooperate. He finally got them unbuttoned, slipping them down his legs to pool at his ankles. Then he strapped on his braces, making sure that they were firmly in position. He could hear Robin doing the dishes and he paused and listened for a moment. Why did she have to look so pretty this morning? It wasn’t that she had done anything special, her short curls were held back by a stretchy band and she was just wearing khaki pants and a white blouse. She wore not a stitch of makeup and yet she seemed so vibrant and full of life; starting the day with a happy good morning.
He would not allow himself to be affected by her because a job like this was a dime a dozen to an aid. One day she’d move on to something else and he was not going to allow himself to care. He wheeled back into the kitchen and picked up his coffee mug, not seeing a second one for her.
“You didn’t want any?” He took a careful sip of the hot liquid. She had screwed the lid on firmly so not so much as a drop dripped on his lip. Some aids were so stupid that they didn’t even have it screwed on tight enough or threaded right and scalding liquid would go running down his chin. He’d learned the hard way to be careful.
She shrugged absently. “No thank you.”
He watched the way she tried not to meet his eyes and how she stiffly moved about wiping off the table, even though she had evidently already cleaned it since there wasn’t any of his Cheerios mess present.
“Robin.” She kept wiping and didn’t answer. He thought about how friendly she had been this morning and how cold his responses had been and felt guilty. “I don’t mind…if you make yourself a cup of coffee when you make me one…or even if you just want one when I don’t.” She moved to the counter and began wiping that down. “I mean, if you want Cheerios, help yourself. And my Mom pretty much loaded me up with stuff when she went shopping so there’s other stuff in the fridge-”
She finally stopped and looked at him. “I don’t think that would be right. I work for you. I’m not supposed to use up your resources.” She shrugged. “Thank you, though.”
“You didn’t seem to mind having my coffee last week.”
“Sorry about that. It won’t happen again.” She turned away and left the room.
He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t like when she was like this…like he was just a job, which actually is all that he was. Okay, so he knew that he had just been in the bedroom thinking about how to keep a distance between them, but he already knew that he didn’t want that. It only took 30 seconds of her treating him like a mere patient to show him how foolish he was being. If he had to waste the time that they spent together being cold to each other, then he would rather go without an aid all together.
He wheeled into the living room where Robin had retrieved his book bag and laptop. “We only have about fifteen more minutes before we should head out.” She spoke while glancing at his unkempt hair and his unshaven face. “Are you sure there’s not anything you want me to do for you?” He ran his hands through his unruly hair.
“Do I look that bad? Don’t answer that. In my book bag is a headband. Can you hand it to me?” She searched for it and found it. He pulled it on over his head and then slid it back to hold his hair out of his face. “There.” She didn’t comment. Grrr.
“Okay, Robin, look I…” He sighed and knew that if he didn’t pause he’d be completely impossible to understand. He closed his eyes for a moment and relaxed. When he opened them she was watching him with a bit more interest then she had a moment before. “I always had aids, since I can remember. And I guess that’s all I ever knew…for a very long time. I didn’t go to a real school until college. The teachers at ‘normal’ schools were not equipped to deal with my seizures and My Mom didn’t want me going to ‘special’ schools so I was home schooled.
“My only friends were my mother and my aids; I guess, everything revolved around them. When I met a good aid they were like a lifeline to normalcy. My only friends were adults hired to take care of me.” He gave her a crooked smile. “That was my life. And then the job would end and they would just…leave. They would leave like I was nothing. To me their friendship was my life. So I had to begin to realize that just because my life revolved around them didn’t mean their lives revolved around me.” Her brow gathered and she watched him with sadness. What a sad way to grow up.
“It’s very easy to become too deeply attached to a person that is with you so intimately.” He thought fleetingly of those few people that had left their impression on his life and wondered if he had done the same with them.
“So you began to…push people away?” Afraid that they would leave him…
“No. Not people; ASSISTANTS. I push Assistants away.”
Robin’s face fell. “Gotcha.” Link had alluded to that fact when he commented on her return after her first day of working with him. Jason hadn’t expected her to actually stick in there; which is why he hadn’t bothered to introduce her to anyone. How many times had he made introductions in the past before his friends just stopped caring what body sat in the chair next to him to monitor his choking and seizures? And wasn’t that what Miss Lucille had done when she had waited 3 weeks before even asking her name. She was so naive.
He nervously rubbed the wheels of his chair. “I was stupid, Robin. I don’t want to…push my Assistants away. I would like to be…friends because maybe Assistants go, but friends don’t.”
She gave him a surprised look at all that he had revealed, and then nodded. She felt that it was only right that she explain about her nervousness. It was a good description; a simple nervous condition, not anxiety driven paranoia. There was such a thing as nerve pills but they didn’t stop you from breaking out in a cold sweat and hiding somewhere when you found yourself in a tough spot.