And then I’d dropped it, because I could see him starting to get worked up again, and I wondered if he would ever forgive me if something would happen to either of them when and if he wasn’t here. I was the strong one, now, and I leaned over and pulled him into my lap, and we sat and watched Otter do nothing but breathe with the help of the machines.
So, I said, the Kid needed a break. They all told me I did too. I shook my head, quietly saying that I was where I was needed. There looked like there would be arguments to the contrary, and there even seemed to be a discussion as to how to force me away, but it was abandoned by the flash in my eyes, the baring of my teeth. People noticed the ring on my finger as I twisted it viciously but said nothing. Nor did they say anything about the one hanging from a chain around my neck. I told them I needed to be alone with my partner, that I needed to talk to him, to please, just give me that. I was the strong one, I told them. I would be strong for them, but I needed him right then, and I needed him alone.
They left soon after.
O & B Forever.
I sat with him, holding his hand, telling him how funny he looked, how embarrassed he was going to be when he woke up and I showed him the pictures. I told him about Anna and how confused that made me feel. I wondered aloud what was going to happen to them, if they were going to be okay. Of course they would, I told him after a minute. They were family, after all. They would be taken care of, just like the rest of us. We watch our own, I said to Otter. We always have, even if we didn’t always know what it meant.
I grew angry then, even though I tried to keep it to myself. Rational thought and I were no more than passing acquaintances on that third day, and I asked Otter if he thought that it was Anna and Creed’s fault that this happened, that God thought we could only have so many people in our family and that by her getting pregnant, that he had to take some away to make room for the fucking baby. My grip on his hand tightened before I pulled away, horrified that I’d hurt him further. He didn’t say, one way or another, so I took his hand in mine again, and I leaned down and kissed the knuckles with my dry lips, and now that we were alone, now that everyone else was gone, I whispered to him that I didn’t want to be the strong one anymore, that I needed him to wake up and be strong because I was so tired of trying to carry it all on my own. I told him that I’d do anything if he just opened his eyes and looked at me and the gold-green would be aware and he would smile and it would be that crooked grin and he would tell me how good I’ve been, how so very strong I was, but it’s okay because he’s here now. He’s here to help me. I waited. And waited. Nothing happened.
Then the emergency code was announced over the intercom, and the woman said “Radiology,” and I closed my eyes and lay my forehead against his hand. It could be anyone, I told myself. It could be anyone.
But I knew.
Mad Cow Disease stays with you for a time that’s long!
THE fourth day was the hardest. The fourth day was the hardest because that’s the day my mother came to see me.
10.
Where Bear Shakes It
All Out
IT WAS just after noon. I had come back to the hospital after going home and showering at the insistence of all around me, some of whom were able to joke that there was no way Otter was going to wake up if my smell chased him away. I didn’t think that was funny in the slightest. But rational thought and I had decided on that fourth day that we didn’t like each other in the slightest and that it would be best to part ways, at least for now. So I ran home and scrubbed myself in the shower under hot water until my skin was red, until the bathroom was choked with steam. I frantically checked my cell phone to make sure I hadn’t missed any phone calls. I hadn’t. I turned my phone off and then back on to make sure it was still working. It was.
I hurried back to the hospital, only to find that nothing had changed.
Well, nothing that could be seen. The doctors told us that the swelling in Otter’s brain had gone down significantly, and that the plan was to send him through some diagnostic tests later that afternoon. They might have a better idea of any potential brain injury then, that the decrease in swelling was a good sign, that we should be excited at such a prospect. I couldn’t get excited. Not yet. Not until he opened his eyes. But I smiled with the rest of them, because I was the strong one. I told them all what great news that was, how relieved I felt. I hugged them in celebration. The rest came over from Mrs. Paquinn’s room and joined in the quiet victory.
I told them to go take a break. The Kid was at school, and I knew that he’d want to know, so I planned on calling the front office to see if they could pull him from class so I could talk to him for a moment, if he’d even take my call, given how angry he was that I’d made him go to class.
Dominic had been invaluable in helping me with the Kid, and eventually he’d gone, grumbling, Anderson Cooper smiling off his backpack. I told him I would let him know once I knew anything further. He’d just scowled and walked away.
The others left, each of them touching Otter in some way, each of them touching me in some way. Alice was the last, and she leaned over and kissed her son on the forehead, and for some reason, this got to me like nothing I’d gone through in the past couple of days, and I had to fight to remember that I was the strong one, that I was the one in control. I smiled weakly at her when she kissed me in the same place, and when she walked out, I allowed a single tear to roll down my cheek. Any more and I would have broken.
I stayed strong.
It was only minutes later that my resolve was tested. I was in the middle of telling Otter that I’d decided he, the Kid, and I would take a trip once he got out of here, that maybe we could go to the mountains and get a cabin, or go to where the sea was warm and go snorkeling. Maybe skiing and sledding. Or to Disneyland. Or Disneyworld. Or someplace that he would be walking and talking around me, someplace where’d he’d say my name and make it sound like it meant something. I didn’t care where that would be, just as long as it happened.
A nurse walked in and changed everything. “Derrick?” she said quietly.
“There’s a woman here to see you.”
I wondered briefly who it was, thinking maybe it was a representative from the auto insurance company, here to find out what was going on with Otter as I’d been ignoring their phone calls. “Who is it?” I asked, my voice rough as I started to rise.
“She says she’s… your mother? Julie McKenna?” I could understand reluctance, her hesitation. She’d heard part of our story, knew that the Kid was mine. This probably confused the hell out of her.
I sat back down. Hard. Unexpected, I thought.
Indeed, it replied, speaking for the first time in days. Do you remember what happened the last time she dropped by unannounced? You almost lost everything you had. Tell them to send her away. Tell them that you don’t have time to see her right now. You can’t be the strong Bear. Not all the time. Not now. You can’t handle this now. Tell them to make her leave, and we’ll worry about this another day.
I am strong.
I stood up. “Where is she?” I asked.
“In the waiting room,” she said, suddenly nervous.
“What?”
“Are… are you okay, Bear?” the nurse asked me, taking a step back.
“You look… angry.”
I was surprised to find I was. I was the angriest I’d ever been. I realized that a red sheen had fallen over my vision and that my jaw was clenched, my hands in fists at my sides. If she’d come here to fuck with me, with us, if she’d come here to let me know she was going to fight the petition of custody, that she was going to tell me to end things with Otter because it was against her beliefs, that it was against God… well, she was going to find a whole different kind of animal in me. I didn’t give a shit about God. I didn’t give a flying fuck about her beliefs. I sure as hell didn’t care about her. As a matter of fact, I fucking hated her. I hated her with everything I could, a black and oily thing that curdled in my sto
mach and made it harder to walk out of the room.
I gripped Otter’s hand and leaned down and kissed him on the corner of his mouth, such a gentle kiss that it seemed to negate how my insides felt.
“I’m strong,” I whispered to him, my lips still against his. “I’m strong and I will handle this. You… you need to wake up, Otter. Enough is enough, okay? It’s time for you to wake up. Come back.”
I was following the nurse before I could think further.
Well, at least she’s in the hospital already, it sighed. At least they’ll be able to treat her if you do what you plan on doing. Best place to attempt to commit matricide, I guess.
I ignored it because I was gone, at least for a moment, just enough time for me to remember when—
I REMEMBERED the last time I saw her before she left for good. I was seventeen—
almost eighteen birthday graduation oh my god it’s starting
—and I’d been getting ready for work. I’d been smiling more lately, catching my reflection in a mirror or window, seeing that smile, that grin, that knowing I had. I was about to be free. I was about to start my own life. I was about to go off and do whatever it was I’d always wanted to do. I worked my ass off to get to this point. I relied on no one but myself. I was going—
to leave the kid behind otter behind
—to finally be on my own, and I was excited and breathless. Scared out of my fucking mind, but nothing was going to stop me. Nothing was going to get in my way. Not Anna, who would watch me with those sad eyes of hers, telling me she’d hoped I never forget her, even though we were planning on staying together, both of us knowing somehow that those things don’t last. Not the Kid, who didn’t understand why he just couldn’t go with me. Not Creed, who was leaving anyways. Not Otter who….
Not Otter. It was easier to just think “not Otter.”
And most certainly not my mother. My mother, who scoffed at my plans, who told me she’d reserve judgment until I’d actually done something, until I actually followed through with my plans. “A writer?” she laughed. “No one makes any money being a writer, Bear. Jesus Christ, open your eyes. Not gonna happen.” I’d show her. I’d become what I wanted to be, become who I was, and she’d change her goddamn mind. She’d see I didn’t need her, that I never did. Once I graduated I was going to walk away and never look back. It was going to be all about me.
My birthday was the next day, and I graduated three days after that. I caught myself grinning again as I dressed for work. Only two more months, I told myself. Two more months, and you can even kiss the shitty job good-bye. Fuck the stupid grocery store, hello real world!
I walked into the kitchen, hearing the TV blare some documentary that the Kid had started getting into lately. I didn’t know why. He was just weird like that. I grabbed juice out of the fridge and was slightly startled when Mom walked in, fully dressed. It was eight in the morning. She was never up that early. And even stranger, she looked… aware. Like she knew what she was doing. Like she knew who she was. Like her brain wasn’t rattled in her head.
I felt brief unease.
“What are you doing up?” I asked her, not really caring for an answer.
“Why not?” she asked. Then she smiled. She never smiled.
“Right,” I said, wondering to myself if I’d have enough time to stop and get something to eat as there was nothing in the fridge. I reminded myself to bring something home for the Kid. He’d probably be starving by tonight.
“Have to do some grocery shopping today,” she said, chuckling as she watched me. “I’ll make sure it gets done. Is the PIN number the same on the debit card?”
I rolled my eyes. “You know I haven’t changed it. Well, you’d know if you actually went grocery shopping.”
I expected a cold rebuttal, but she just laughed again, her eyes dancing.
The unease I felt tried to morph into something more, but I shoved it away. I didn’t have time to deal with whatever she was on, which had to be the only explanation. “I gotta go to work,” I muttered at her, putting my cup in the sink. “Later.”
“Bear,” she said as I was about to walk out of the kitchen.
I stopped, but didn’t look back. “What?”
“I think things are going to get better from here on out. Just wait. You’ll see. I promise that things will be better.”
I fought the urge to turn and snap at her. I almost lost. But then I remembered that I was almost out of here, that what she thought wouldn’t matter to me anymore, that she could never hold me back again.
“Whatever,” I said and walked out of the kitchen without looking back.
“Later, Kid,” I said as I stopped near the living room. “Careful, Mom’s off her meds today.”
“Hurray,” he grumbled, his eyes never leaving the TV.
“I’ll be home tonight and we’ll hang out, okay?”
“Promise?”
“Yeah, Kid. Promise.”
“Okay. Bye.”
And I left.
I came home that night and found two letters, one to myself, one to Tyson. She’d left $137.50 in an envelope.
After that… well. You know what happened after that.
JULIE MCKENNA sat in a plastic chair in the waiting room, her eyes darting around nervously, her hands in her lap on top of a brown file folder. I felt a stutter in my step when I first saw her, and even though nothing much had changed about her appearance in the past few months, everything had changed about how I looked at her. Hurt and betrayal had been replaced by hatred and rage, and I did nothing to keep it from my eyes. My body was tense and tight, my hands in fists at my sides. I wondered briefly what would happen if I just punched her in the face. I’m sure I would have felt better, at least for a moment.
She finally saw me walking toward her, and I watched as she flinched away, almost cowering in her seat. She looked around as she licked her lips, as if making sure there’d be witnesses in case I did anything. She didn’t know that I was beyond caring. Let the people watch. Let them try and stop me. A person could do so much damage in the space of a few seconds if he was properly motivated.
The nurse hesitated for a moment before she turned and left us alone.
My mother looked up at me nervously, and I knew she was waiting for me to take a seat. I didn’t sit. I glared at her.
Finally, she could no longer take the silence. “I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now,” she said, her voice wavering.
“That doesn’t even begin to cover it,” I said coldly. “It’s taking all I have to not reach over and put my hands around your neck and squeeze the ever-fucking life out of you.”
Her eyes bulged. She looked around again. “Derrick—”
I leaned forward. “No one’s here to help you. Stop looking like you’re going to get rescued. If I wanted to do it, it would only take me a few seconds. Not enough time for anyone to stop me. Remember that. What the fuck do you want?”
Her voice is ragged. “I heard about Oliver and….”
“Really? And how did you hear that? How the fuck could you know anything about our lives?”
She wrung her hands in her lap. “If you could just understand—”
I shook my head once. “The time to understand is done. I no longer want to understand anything about you. The only thing I want in this world from you is for you to get up, walk away, and never look back. When you’re gone, you stay gone. You never contact me, you sure as shit never attempt to contact Tyson. I swear on all that I have if you’re here to tell me you’re fighting me for custody, I will make sure it’s brought out exactly what kind of mother you are. See how long you hold on to your daughter when I’m done with you.”
She looked terrified. “You wouldn’t,” she whispered. “I know you.
You’re my son. You wouldn’t do something like that.”
I narrowed my eyes and sneered at her. “I would. If you try and take from me, I will take everything from you. You’re done t
rying to fuck with my family. The man I love is in there fighting for his life, and I’m no longer playing nice. I’m the strong one now. I am not your son. Tyson is not your son. You are nothing to us.” My voice wanted to break on this last, but I didn’t allow it.
“How is Oliver?” she asked, averting her eyes.
“None of your business. What do you want?”
“Bear, I—”
“Unless you answer the question, this is over. Last chance. I have better things to be doing than talking to a cunt like you. What do you want?”
Her hands trembled as she reached for the folder in her lap. She picked it up and handed it over to me. Her fingers touched mine as I took it from her, and she gasped quietly at the contact, but I ignored it. It didn’t matter.
There was a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, one that I knew would explode once I opened the folder. Everything was already collapsing around me. What was one more aftershock?
I opened the folder and didn’t understand.
“What is this?” I snapped at her, my eyes unable to translate the legalese in front of me. I wanted to go back to Otter and curl up next to him and forget about everything while I waited for him to wake up.
“I’m relinquishing custody of Tyson,” she said quietly. “I’m giving up my rights.”
I was sure I’d misheard her. I was sure that it couldn’t be true. She’d come back again and that only meant one thing: that she would try and take from me, that she would try and break me down. My hatred warred with rationality, and I couldn’t believe either side. I couldn’t make sense of which was right. I tried to read over the words in front of me, but I couldn’t string them together coherently. It can’t be this easy, I thought. It can’t. She’s made my life miserable anyway she can. It can’t be this easy.