I hated to admit it, but he was so right and it made me want to vomit. “I—I don’t know. I have a job I just can’t walk away from. It doesn’t matter. Dreams don’t come true for me. That’s all. I just try to not get too disappointed.”
He shook his head, a tsk, tsk sound slipping out from between his teeth. My rage was starting to rise, but all I wanted to do was change the subject.
“Where’s Cam?” I interjected.
“He’s at his grandmother’s house for the week.”
“Oh. His mother’s mom, I assume.”
“Yep. She loves having him over. Gives her something to do besides think about how things are. My ex was her only child, so now Cam is the focus of all her smothering. It’s good though, gives me some time to breathe.” He handed me another drink, but this time the smell of alcohol hit my nostrils as I sipped it. “That’s to calm your nerves,” he said. “Why are you wound up so tight?”
I glared back at him as I downed the rest of it so fast, the burn in my stomach made me regret it immediately. “Maybe if you wouldn’t point out things about me that I clearly haven’t figured out, I wouldn’t be upset.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to. I’m just curious.” He clicked his glass against mine before lifting it up to salute. “Here’s to the future, whatever it may be.” Winking, he chugged it, his eyes never leaving mine. The ice swirled in my glass as I watched it sweat. The water of the pool looked awfully refreshing; the heat outside was close to unbearable. Heat exhaustion was quite common in Vegas. It took but a little time to zap the energy right out of you in this obnoxious heat.
“Want to go for a swim?” Seth asked. Before I could respond, he’d stripped off his shirt and tossed it to the side. He was already wearing board shorts, so he just dove right on in. I gripped my glass, knowing full well I wasn’t wearing a bathing suit underneath my outfit, but I could at least dip my legs in. Clothes would dry quickly in the Vegas sun, but that wasn’t what stopped me. I just didn’t want to swim… couldn’t do it.
“I don’t think so.”
“Oh, come on. What have you got to lose?”
Cranking my head as I watched him paddle near me, I make the fatal mistake of inching too close to the edge. I should’ve known better than to let him pull up, sit on the side of the pool, disarm me with his chiseled shoulders and rippling stomach muscles. He then ever-so-suavely grabbed me and catapulted me into the pool.
The shock of the cold water made me kick furiously to find which way was up. The mass of bubbles disorientated me, but I finally popped up and over the surface, sputtering like an old engine. My feet barely touched the bottom, and I tiptoed toward the shallow end, my heart hammering in my ears.
Seth was chuckling a bit, but the moment I caught sight of his smirk, I jolted toward him and pummeled his chest with my fists. “That wasn’t funny!” Coughing, I shoved him and headed toward the edge of the pool, where it was shallower, and I could sit on the steps. I continued to cough and attempted to shove back the matted mess which had been my smooth hair moments before.
Seth waded in behind me and watched as I sat there and regained my composure. My lips quivered from the shock of the water, and it made me wonder why the heck he didn’t heat it up, even just a bit. It was downright frigid.
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t swim.”
“Really? You did fine, you know.”
I huffed, but didn’t move from my step. The water flowed over my chest, where my tank hung heavily over my breasts, exposing my cleavage a bit more as the water pulled at the material. I was sure I looked like a drowned rat.
“No, I didn’t. I think I swallowed half your pool water.” I coughed some more and hugged my arms around myself. There was no point in completely getting out, the air conditioner would just add to the cold. “Do you have a towel?”
He approached and sat back on his knees, the water barely reaching his chest. The way it left droplets which clung to his skin as his gaze burned into me was too much to bear, and I had to glance away, back toward the bar, where the multitude of liquor bottles glistened in the soft, streaming sunlight. I couldn’t look back at him because I’d drown. Maybe not in the literal sense, but metaphorically, it was a certainty.
“Penny, I wasn’t aware you couldn’t swim. You looked like you wanted to get in. I’m really sorry.”
I shrugged, not looking at him so I wouldn’t lose control of my feelings. I was torn between pummeling him with my fists again and crying. He never knew why I didn’t like to swim. In the short time we’d spent together, it had never come up, and I’d never told him.
“I can swim. I just don’t want to.” I hugged my legs and rocked as I took a deep breath in. Memory was a terrible thing and I was trying my hardest to shove the reminders of too many bad things back into my head.
Seth reached over to rub his fingers along my arms, sending even more goose bumps flaring across my skin as he tried to soothe me. I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate on his fiery touch instead of the real reason I had refused to go swimming for years upon years.
“When I was six, my sister drowned. She was only three.” I blurted out. I kept my eyes closed, afraid I would freak out and run out of his house again. Why was I even telling him this? It had happened so many lifetimes ago, but it was a wound still so unforgivingly raw, it felt as if my heart was breaking for her all over again.
His hands encircled my thighs, and he rubbed his thumbs back and forth over my goose bumps. The silence was filled with so many things, but it was what I needed at that moment. It stifled the withering cold with his warm touch. Nice, but cautious.
A few minutes later, he broke the quiet solace when I finally opened my eyes and stopped rocking.
“Want to tell me about it?” he asked.
“Maybe one day.” I shook my head, still shaking off the dread of that long ago tragedy. My family never spoke of it much afterwards. It’d become a silent horror that clung to us no matter what, best left covered up in the dusty backrooms of our hearts.
“I can teach you how to swim, I’m very patient.” He inched forward again, his hand reaching up through the rippling surface as he touched my cheek. I had to look at him now; his fingers blocked the view of the bar enough to make me shift my gaze back to his eyes, looking almost green against blue water.
“I know how to swim. I just can’t…can’t do it.
“Why?”
“Why do I need to swim? I’ll never need to swim in a pool, especially yours. I don’t ever fly in airplanes, so I don’t have to worry about crashing into an ocean. I don’t ride on boats or yachts. There isn’t a lake nearby worth treading into, and I don’t count Lake Mead as one. It’s disgusting and full of putrid nastiness.” I sighed and closed my eyes. The chlorine was already beginning to sting them. “No reason to swim.”
“Swimming may not be useful to you now, but you never know, one day, you may be forced to have to swim again. I know your fear stems from what happened to your sister, but she wouldn’t want you to not enjoy the water.” The soft caress of his fingers made me shiver even more. “You just can’t assume you won’t have to one day, just like you can’t predict the future of us.”
I watched the waves lap against his chest and wanted him to pull me toward him, wanted to melt into him. He was right about predicting the future, but did he know how badly I wanted to also stand straight up, turn and run out of the house, into the sun and away from here? One way or the other, I needed some warmth.
“It happened a long time ago and I know she’d want me to enjoy it. She liked the water too, but she was too little, too inexperienced. I’ve just avoided it since then and it’s become an aversion that I have a hard time fighting.” I wanted to swim. I just didn’t know how to start. Like my panic attacks, I avoided anything that caused any kind of anxiety, even swimming. Why had I dragged it on so long? Why couldn’t I just let go?
Seth made the choice for me as he circled his arms around my waist and pulled
me toward him. I realized too late that he was taking me deeper into the water, and I ended up straddling his waist as he continued to move. Grasping his shoulders, my eyes widened as I scanned the expanse of the water.
“Don’t be afraid, I won’t let you go,” he whispered, sending another shiver down my spine as he turned and moved farther into the water. I only gripped onto him more tightly, hoping he wasn’t joking this time. The water felt like a weight pushing and tugging at me as I let him carry me farther and farther out. Relieved it wasn’t some body of water out in the wild where the currents could be unpredictable, I cherished the controlled calm of this place, where only his heart beating against my chest filled the atmosphere, and the heat radiating off him kept the chill at bay.
He stopped when the water reached the top of his shoulders. He balanced me precariously in his arms and smiled. Water dripped off the dangling ends of his dark blond strands and some droplets clung to the edges of his eyelashes. It was mesmerizing, and the blue of the pool amplified the color in his irises as they morphed from blue to green to turquoise in one blink. I couldn’t look away. Even if I had wanted to, I was afraid I wouldn’t be brave enough to do so. The water reminded me where I was, but the look on his face made me forget how terrifying it was to be neck deep in water.
I’d never wanted to return to the water and swim, not after my sister had drowned. We’d been so small, and I’d been the one to watch her little head sink under the surface at a neighbor’s party. It had gotten late, and half the adults were stumbling drunk. No one saw her but me, still so small at the age of six, and my sister, but three years old. I’d been without an idea of what it meant when she slipped into the inky pool water and didn’t bob back up. Minutes had gone by as I waited for her to surface, assuming she would, like I did when I went swimming. Finally, snapping out of my frozen trance, I had begun having what would end up being the first of many anxiety attacks. If I hadn’t screamed and hyperventilated, no one would’ve noticed until several minutes later that Lindsey was missing, swallowed by the darkened mass of water before me.
Even though I couldn’t muster words to express what had happened, so small and unable to speak as my lungs burned and my heart pounded, I was able to point in terror at the water just as I was on the brink of passing out after screaming over and over. I remembered the shrieks when the realization came over the adults that my sister was in the pool. I remember my father’s frantic plunge into the cold pool water, for it was February, and no one was swimming. The lights weren’t even on inside the pool, and the dark depths looked more threatening under the bright porch lights than it had in the long summer nights when it’d been bright and lit.
Watching my father emerge from the dark, black waters under the moonless night with my sister folded in his arms finally calmed me. But it had been a disturbing calm, like watching a silent film, as I watched them place her on the deck and pump on her chest, screaming for her to wake up. Her long dark hair snaked about her head like a crown of seaweed while her lips remained the grey-blue of a winter sky at dusk. Her brown eyes were staring off into space, fixed on some faraway, celestial body, never to look at us with happy, bright eyes again. She was gone, and no matter how much chaos had ensued afterward, she had never returned. She’d never come back to steal my candy from my stash in my room or hog the dolls I wanted to play with when she felt it was her turn.
Never again.
All those memories crashed into me, like something I had hidden so deep inside that I had almost forgotten her face and her voice. I had nearly forgotten the way she laughed and giggled when we played hide and seek. I’d almost let my memories slip away when I had built the massive wall to protect myself from things like the fear of swimming and loving those who never stayed, leaving me to live a half life.
Maybe that’s why I was so afraid of Seth’s love. With him came the remembering part that I was so good at forgetting.
“You okay?” I could hear him breathing harder as he worked to tread water and hold me up at the same time.
“Yes.” I liked the feel of him, my legs wrapped tightly around his waist and my fingers locked around his neck and shoulders. I let him take me where he wanted, knowing I’d be safe, trusting him more than anyone except for Joss. He finally motioned for me to loosen my legs and let them float out underneath. I did, knowing he wouldn’t let me go. The feel of the cold where the heat of his body had once been made me shiver again, and my lips began to quiver from the drop in temperature. Seth pulled me closer, and the return of his warmth made me smile. “Thank you.”
He was like the calm sea in the morning mist. Another memory resurfaced and a flash of his reddened, wind burned face blinked into my vision as I remembered the ocean and lying naked in the cold weather after we’d made love on our picnic blanket, covered with a sleeping bag. Had it been so long since we’d danced on the sand of the Oregon coast and let the salt spray stain our skin with its sharp bite? I remembered the feel of him then, and the comfort it brought me left me breathless in a much better way.
“You’re welcome. Any time. You should come over more often. It takes time to enjoy the water again, but I can show you how to swim so well, the sharks won’t be able to get you.”
With that I laughed, accidentally sputtering some water into his face. I gasped, waiting for him to dunk me, but he didn’t. He blinked the drops away, squinted and smiled. That notorious dimple in his cheek returned to tease me once more.
“Are you sure?” I said. “I might take you down with me.” My face went serious again, and I hoped he hadn’t changed his mind.
“Oh, I’m positive, Penny. Any chance to get you to hold onto me like this, I’ll take it.”
“Okay. This wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be.” Lindsey would’ve been proud of me swimming again. A flash of her wide, cheeky smile hit me like a warm, comforting hug.
It had been one of the best days I’d had in a long time, and any day I could come back from anxiety attack so quickly was always a step forward. Maybe I needed Seth more than I had thought.
Chapter Twenty
Seth
I’D DRIVEN PENNY back to her apartment after her clothes had dried off and we’d had a quiet dinner under the warmth of the Vegas night. We hadn’t made love that day; I hadn’t wanted to push her too far knowing how delicate she could be. After she’d run off the morning after our romp, I’d been determined to take it even slower than before.
So far, it was exactly what she needed. After our swim, she’d been happy to hang out in the heat outside and sip lemonade until dinner time as we chatted about things we’d long forgotten. I’d told her about my mother in Moldova, hoping to work the idea of a trip into future conversations. Somehow I didn’t think she was ready for that yet, but that was fine with me. She spoke a lot about Joss and Leah. Joss being her cousin and best friend since grade school made them practically sisters. They raised Leah together when Leah’s husband had been diagnosed and deteriorated quickly. They’d clung to each other like sisters and cried it out at the rough times.
I was glad she’d had her cousin there when we’d broken up. At least the thought that she hadn’t been all alone when I’d broken her heart was cold comfort to me, but it took the edge off the anger I held against myself for a moment. Listening to her chat about her bucket list and things she was still planning to do with the enthusiasm I fell in love with back in college, it had me entranced throughout the evening. I’d almost forgotten to ask her to dinner at Nicolai’s house the next day.
“Your cousin’s house? What’s he like?”
“He’s a nut. Likes beer and women. Don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth, but he’s harmless.”
“Really?” She giggled, and agreed to go to dinner as long as I brought some soda for her to sip on, too. I readily complied, and we’d sat under the night sky and listened to the crickets sing until it got late and I offered her a ride home. She’d accepted, looking relieved that I wouldn’t be seducin
g her tonight.
I’d wanted to. Oh how I had, but, taking it slow required restraint from my part and it was worth the wait.
Kissing her at the door to her place, her eyes tempted me to ask to come inside, but I stepped away and kissed her hand, biding her goodnight before she said something she’d regret in the morning. The relief in her face was all I needed to know that I’d done the right thing and I waited for her to enter her apartment and lock the door.
Sitting in my SUV and staring at her apartment as she turned the lights on and moved about inside, I felt a surge of love for the woman, more than I could’ve ever felt for anyone else. Every moment I had with her was a gift. I hoped things would turn out the way I was praying they would. Even so, the threat of something going wrong was always there, always stalking us behind shadows and on the road of good intentions. I hoped, for once, it would leave us alone and we could do everything we’d talked about that night.
“Do you still want to see the world, Penny?”
Her large brown eyes twinkled under the moonlight when she faced me, her head on my chest. My heart was pounding at her proximity, her scent filling the air like a drug I refused to let go.
“Yes.”
“I’ll take you, if you let me.”
“Okay.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Penny
STIRRING THE ICED tea, I watched the throngs of people pass by. Sitting outside in hundred-degree weather was a favorite thing of mine. It helped that there were misters running; otherwise I’d have had to move inside the coffee shop so I wouldn’t pass out from heat stroke.