I link my fingers through hers and pull her through into the kitchen where pots are bubbling on the stove. She offers to help, but I sit her on a stool in the middle of the room and open the refrigerator, pulling out a bottle of champagne.
‘What are we celebrating?’ she asks when I hand her a glass.
‘Us,’ I say, clinking my glass of water with hers.
‘You aren’t having any?’ she asks.
‘I don’t drink,’ I say.
She nods thoughtfully and doesn’t ask anything further. She knows the reason why, and I love it that she doesn’t need to ask questions. She takes just a sip from her own glass and then sets it down on the side.
I start prepping the salmon I’m cooking and check on the vegetables that are roasting in the oven. My mind’s struggling to remember the recipes, though, with Jessa sitting there watching me.
‘Have you seen much of Riley?’ I ask, trying to distract myself from the very graphic thoughts of what I plan to do to her later.
‘No,’ she says, ‘not much. He’s pretty much living with Jo. He comes back for dinner.’ She shrugs. ‘I think you see more of him. How’s training going?’
‘Good,’ I say, thinking of the workouts I’ve been doing all week, partly as a way to let off steam in the build-up to tonight, and partly so I get to kick Riley’s ass in the physical fitness test we have to take soon. ‘Test is in two weeks. Same day as yours.’
‘What?’ Jessa asks.
‘Your driving test. I’ve booked you in.’
Jessa stares at me. ‘What? I’m not ready.’
‘Yeah, you are. And it was the only slot they had before I leave.’ I shrug and turn back to the stove.
‘But . . . ’
‘If you pass, you pass,’ I say over my shoulder. ‘If you fail, you fail. No biggie. You can take it again.’
Jessa presses her lips together and I can see she’s trying to think up excuses, but then she nods and says, ‘OK.’
I smile to myself as I start pan-frying the salmon. ‘You know, Riley keeps asking about the girl I’m seeing.’
I hear Jessa slide off the stool. She sidles up behind me and slips her arms around my waist. ‘He does, huh?’
‘That thing with Didi – taking her to prom – didn’t help. He can’t believe I’m serious.’
‘What did you tell him?’ Jessa asks.
‘That it’s going great. That I’m digging this chick. That she’s amazing.’
She laughs against my back.
‘He wants to meet you,’ I say.
Jessa releases me and leans up against the counter. ‘My mom asked me the other day if there was anything I wanted to tell her.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘She said I was glowing and if she didn’t know better she’d think I was in – ’ she stops abruptly, her cheeks flushing – ‘um . . . a relationship.’
I turn my attention back to the pan, but my heart is beating faster all of a sudden. ‘What did you tell her?’ I ask.
‘That I was just happy school was out.’
A weight settles on my shoulders, dampening the happiness I’d been feeling. I set the fork down on the side and turn to face her. ‘I want to tell everyone, Jessa. I’m sick of this.’
She stares up at me with those big green eyes and rests her hand against my cheek. ‘Me too,’ she says softly. ‘But we only have two weeks. I don’t want them ruined.’
I look at her long and hard for moment before turning back to the food.
The table’s set with candles and flowers and my mom’s best china. My dad gave me licence to use it. He knows exactly what I have planned – I couldn’t exactly keep it a secret. I think he contrived the excuse of going to my sister’s, because when he told me he was spending the night there he winked at me and told me not to burn any pans or get anyone pregnant while he was gone. He hasn’t mentioned anything more about telling Riley, which is a relief, though it nags at me. It’s why I brought it up with Jessa. But if she doesn’t want to tell him, I can’t exactly come out with it. It’s just hard sneaking around all the time. I want to walk down the street with her, I want to be able to take her out to dinner and go to the beach without being paranoid someone’s going to see us.
‘That was so amazing. You could be a chef,’ Jessa says, pushing away her finished plate and patting her stomach.
‘That was always my fallback,’ I say, clearing the plates to make way for dessert.
‘Your what?’ she asks, getting up to help.
‘For when I get out the corps.’
‘To become a chef?’ she asks.
I set the plates down in the kitchen. ‘To open my own restaurant, maybe just a small cafe to start with, something cool, great coffee, awesome vibes, great music.’
Jessa leans against the countertop. ‘I can picture it now,’ she says grinning at me.
I forget about the dessert. I can’t stop my eyes wandering over her body, barely constrained by her dress, from starting to imagine what it will be like to undress her later, to finally get to make love to her. I take a step towards her and pull her towards me, holding her hands. Now’s the time to tell her.
‘Jessa,’ I say, stroking her hair behind her ear. ‘I think this one will be my last tour. My four years are up after this.’
Her smile fades. ‘You’re going to leave?’ she asks.
‘Well, they have you on non-active duty for four years and they can call you back up at any time, but I’d be out, yeah.’
‘Really?’ she asks, and I see the start of a smile pulling at the edge of her mouth.
‘Yeah,’ I say.
‘Why?’ she asks. ‘I thought you loved it.’
I shrug. ‘Things change. My dad’s not getting any younger. I’ve got other dreams I want to pursue.’ I pause. Does she realize she’s one of them? ‘I guess I got into the marines because I was following my old man, and because I wanted to be the best of the best, to know that I could beat the best. And I’ve done that. I’ve served my country, I’ve done my part. But some of the shit I’ve seen . . . I’m tired of it. I want to start a new chapter. I want to try staying in one place as well as one piece, and being master of my own destiny. I guess I’m just done with following orders and I want something new.’
‘Kit?’ she interrupts.
‘Yeah?’ I ask, realizing I haven’t drawn breath.
Jessa stares up at me solemnly. ‘Take me to bed.’
28
Jessa
Kit stares at me for half a second processing what I’ve said, then without a word he takes my hand and leads me out the kitchen and up the stairs. My legs start shaking, half with nerves and half in anticipation of what’s to come. I can’t believe he’s going to quit. For me. No, not just for me, I remind myself, but I know I’m part of the reason why, and the knowledge makes me light-headed and light-blooded too. Is that even a thing? It feels like it should be. My blood feels as if it’s infused with light particles.
A life. We could actually have a life together. A normal life. Seeing each other every day, dating like a normal couple, maybe not even in secrecy, because I feel with Kit beside me every day I would be brave enough to face anything, even my father’s wrath.
At the door to his room, Kit pauses and turns to me. ‘Close your eyes,’ he says.
I look at him suspiciously. ‘Why?’
‘Because I’ve got a surprise to show you.’
‘I’ve seen it already.’ I smirk.
‘Not that. Man, you’re filthy,’ he laughs, covering my eyes with his hand. I hear him open the door and then he ushers me inside his room. Finally he moves his hand.
‘Oh my God,’ I say, staring at the brand new double bed that’s replaced his old single one. ‘You bought a double bed?’ I spin to face him.
‘Yeah,’ Kit answers with a smug grin. ‘A single bed wouldn’t be big enough for all I have planned for you.’
I walk towards it. He didn’t just buy a double bed – it woul
d seem he also bought a thousand pillows and a feather comforter.
‘New sheets and everything. One hundred percent Egyptian cotton. That’s supposed to be the best,’ he says proudly. ‘I even redecorated.’
I tear my eyes off the bed and stare around the room in amazement. He’s not lying. He’s painted the entire room a beautiful warm shade of white, removed the shelf with all the trophies and replaced it with a bookshelf, and exchanged the dresser with an antique chest of drawers. A vase filled with wild flowers sits on the top. Candles litter the bedside table. Tears spring to my eyes and I know it would be pathetic and girly of me to cry over this but I think it might just be the most romantic gesture anyone has ever made in the history of romantic gestures.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I stammer as Kit continues to grin at me. Then I realize something. ‘What did your father think?’ I ask.
‘He’s cool with it. I explained everything.’
‘Everything?’ I ask in alarm.
‘No, I don’t mean about tonight.’ He takes a step towards me. ‘I told him I wanted this to be your room too. When I’m away. I want you to feel like you have somewhere to come to. I want to be able to picture you here, in my room. When I’m pulling an all-night shift I want to be able to imagine you naked in my bed back home, waiting for me.’
My mouth drops open. ‘And he’s cool with that?’ I ask.
‘Oh yeah,’ says Kit, still grinning so wide I can see his dimple. ‘I didn’t tell him about the naked part, though.’
I poke him in the ribs.
‘He even wanted me to give you this.’ He rummages in his pocket and pulls something out.
‘What is it?’ I ask, seeing full well that it’s a keyring with two keys on it.
‘A key,’ he says.
‘To your house?’ I ask, staring at him in amazement.
‘Yeah. I want you to be able to come and go as you please. And so does my dad.’ He takes my hands in his, pressing the keys into my palm. ‘So if things ever get out of hand at home or you need to just escape, you can come here.’
I’m trying really hard not to cry. I swallow the lump that’s wedged in my throat. ‘What’s this other key for?’ I ask in a hoarse voice.
‘That’s for my truck.’
I look at him in disbelief. ‘Your truck?’
‘Yeah, I put you on the insurance. And I also installed air con, seeing how you don’t like your hair getting all mussed up when the windows are down.’
I stare at him, speechless. I have no idea what to say. Finally I just reach up on tiptoe and kiss him. ‘I don’t know what I did to deserve you,’ I whisper.
Kit pulls away so he can see my face. ‘I know it’s not what you signed up for. Dating a marine. Not seeing me for twelve months.’
I kiss him to shut him up.
‘So you like it?’ he asks, gesturing around at the room.
‘I love it,’ I say.
Kit steps forward and takes my face in his hands. ‘I love you,’ he says.
My heart, which is already beating like crazy, bursts in my chest like a rocket. I don’t get to answer him before he kisses me, tipping my chin up with his hand.
I melt into him, instantly undone, and loop my arms around his neck. When he picks me up and lays me down on the bed, I’m aware of nothing except for the cool softness of the sheets against my back, the warm solid feel of Kit pressing me down into the mattress, and the electric caress of his hands against my body. God, I’m so ready for this, for him.
It becomes a struggle for air, for touch, for closeness. An urgency takes hold of us as we tear at each other’s clothes. I rip off Kit’s T-shirt, desperate to feel his skin against mine, and he tugs me to my knees and pulls my sundress off over my head in one swift move. I’m not wearing a bra and he lets out a groan and pulls me towards him, his hand in the small of my back, his other hand cupping my breast. His lips find my nipple and suck, making me cry out and grip his shoulders.
We tumble back onto the bed and I scrabble to undo his belt. He kicks off his jeans and underwear before easing mine off. I look up at him, breathing hard as he stands at the end of the bed looking down on me. I’m already ready and I reach for him, but Kit gives me a sly smile and shakes his head. Oh God. My stomach contracts in anticipation as I watch him lower his head and start to kiss his way up my legs. My bones dissolve, every cell in my body igniting in a chain reaction. My nerve endings are frayed electrical wires. Every touch of his lips sends up a spray of sparks that travels all the way to the tips of my fingers and toes. I grip hold of the brand new covers on the bed and hear myself moaning as Kit parts my legs and keeps kissing me until my head spins.
He has me in the palm of his hand and the ache in my core is a tight, sweet pull that quickly becomes a throb. He trails another wave of kisses across my belly, and by the time he reaches my neck and starts kissing the spot just beneath my ear, I’m almost in tears I’m so frustrated, aching for him to be inside me. My body is arched painfully, taut as a bow, my breathing ragged.
‘Kit,’ I say.
He kisses my lips, silencing me, and then I hear him reaching for something on the nightstand. I keep my eyes closed as he rolls on a condom, and only when he settles over me, resting his weight on his arms, do I open my eyes. He’s watching me, waiting for me to give permission. I nod, and he presses slowly against me, guiding himself in, the whole time watching me carefully. I inhale sharply at the sudden pain and then again at the wave of pleasure that follows quickly in its wake. He stops, and I can tell he’s scared of hurting me. He knows I’m a virgin. I wrap my legs around his waist and grip onto his shoulders, urging him on. He pushes harder, easing fully into me with a groan, and I let out a gasp as he fills me completely. I rake my hands down his back, not wanting him to stop. ‘You feel amazing,’ he whispers in my ear as he slowly, gently builds up a rhythm that makes me gasp for breath.
He kisses my neck, my lips, my breasts, and I run my hands over his rock solid stomach and chest, and though it stings for a moment, soon I forget everything except the feel of him, his weight on top of me, the pure strength of his body.
I feel like he owns me, like I own him, like I never want to let him go. Within seconds, I start to feel a fire spreading through my limbs, a crazy, intense spiralling of pleasure that he stokes with every stroke, until I feel like I’m going to burst. Kit moves faster and I raise my hips and move against him, wanting more of him, all of him.
His eyes are half closed, and a trail of sweat snakes down his chest.
‘I love you,’ I tell him, the words falling past my lips just as everything builds to an exquisite point and I come. I collapse backwards onto the bed, crying out, and Kit collapses down on top of me, breathing hard.
Little sparks travel down my legs. I stroke my hands through Kit’s hair and trail a hand down his spine feeling deliciously languid and loose-limbed, loving the feel of his body sinking into mine. I trace the muscles across his shoulders and back and shiver as another wave of pleasure rocks through me.
After a few moments he makes to roll off me, but I hold him in place. I don’t want him to go anywhere. Instead he wraps his arms around me and rolls with me in his arms so I’m lying on top of him, my head on his shoulder, our limbs entwined. For several minutes we stay like that, neither of us speaking, our hearts slamming into each other.
‘Fuck,’ Kit says, a laugh in his voice, ‘that was amazing.’ He kisses my forehead. ‘Are you OK? Did I hurt you?’
I open my eyes, though it feels as though they’re made of lead. ‘Are you kidding?’ I ask. ‘Now I know what all the fuss is about. When can we go again?’
29
Kit
We make love once more, this time slower – I’m aware she must be sore, though she claims not to be – and then once again in the small hours of the morning, both of us drowsily breaking out of sleep and reaching for each other. Each time is better than the last, even though each time I’m pretty sure it couldn’t possibl
y get any better. I get her to tell me exactly what she likes, how she wants to be touched, and she does the same with me until it feels like we know each other in ways no one else will ever or could ever come close to knowing.
I wake in the morning when a slat of sunlight breaks through a crack in the curtain. The first thing I become aware of is the warmth of Jessa’s naked body pressed against mine, and instantly I’m aroused. Oh man. At this rate I’m going to be walking like John Wayne.
Jessa mumbles in her sleep and pushes back against me. I take a deep breath, trying to imagine what it would be like to wake up to her in my arms naked like this every morning. I can’t believe we’ve only got two weeks left. The chances of us getting to spend another night together like this one are slim to none – Didi’s going on vacation with her parents, so Jessa won’t be able to use the excuse of staying over at hers – so I close my eyes and revel in the moment. This night is going to be what gets me through the next year.
I press a kiss to Jessa’s shoulder and she rolls over so she’s facing me, her eyes still closed. ‘Is it morning?’ she asks with a smile on her lips.
I kiss her, all the while thinking this girl loves me. She loves me. ‘Yes,’ I tell her.
She sighs and opens her eyes. Even though they’re shadowed from lack of sleep they’re sparkling bright, and I’m struck by the look in them. It’s as if she’s transformed overnight – at my hands, I remind myself a little smugly – into a total seductress without a trace of innocence left about her. Her hair is in total disarray, her cheeks flushed. She looks well and truly ravished. ‘I wish we could stay in bed for the next two weeks,’ she says, pouting, ‘until you have to go.’
‘I think if we did that, neither of us might ever walk again,’ I say, laughing. ‘Are you hurting at all?’
She shakes her head and then pulls a face, biting her bottom lip. ‘Maybe a little.’ Her hand, however, still reaches under the covers for me. I push my head back into the pillow. Oh man.
Later on, as we lie there, willing the clock to slow down, Jessa rolls onto her side to face me, resting on her elbow.