Married. He and Charlotte.
He needed at least a year just to get used to the idea. A man his age didn’t surrender his freedom without plenty of serious thought.
Then he remembered the phenomenon of holding Charlotte in his arms, of loving her, and the simple pleasure he found in spending time with her. He tried to imagine what his life would be like without her and discovered he couldn’t. So his belief that he wasn’t ready flew out the window.
But marriage, he told himself, would take away his freedom. He’d never watch another game on TV again without feeling guilty—a wife would make sure of that. Women nagged and controlled, didn’t they?
Charlotte was a woman, but she wasn’t like the others he’d known. She’d been controlled and manipulated herself; she’d fought against it. Jason couldn’t in all honesty believe she’d try the same tactics on him.
Once again his argument wouldn’t hold.
All right, maybe there were more things to consider besides his freedom. But here, too, he was losing ground. He’d found freedom in Charlotte, freedom to be himself, freedom to look toward the future.
Charlotte wanted children.
Another contentious issue. Children. Carrie had said as much the day she’d stopped by his office to bribe him to take out her mother. If he married Charlotte, he might as well accept that a year or so down the road they’d have a baby.
So? Wasn’t that what he wanted?
He hadn’t thought much about a family until recently. He vividly remembered the sensations that had overwhelmed him the first time he’d seen Charlotte holding Jeremy. Watching her play with his brother’s son had left him breathless. Of course, being hit by a fast-moving Frisbee might have contributed to that.
Okay, so he wanted children. A man didn’t marry a woman without giving the prospect some consideration. Since he was well past thirty, and fast approaching forty, he should start thinking along those lines soon. Charlotte was nearly thirty-six herself, and he knew it was safer for a woman to give birth before the age of forty.
Which meant he had to throw out his idea of waiting two or three years to get married. If he was serious, and he was, they should do it soon.
But three weeks was too soon….
He’d sleep on it, Jason decided, take his father’s advice and give this whole wedding business some thought. But he could say right now, that on general principles alone, he was against it.
An hour later, after tossing and turning and wreaking havoc with his bedsheets, Jason knew. Knew it from the way he couldn’t keep his hands from clenching. Knew it from the way his stomach tensed.
He was going to marry Charlotte Weston. The wedding was already scheduled.
Charlotte didn’t know what was wrong with him. Jason had fidgeted all through dinner, although dinner had been his idea. He’d called her early that morning, before she’d left for work, and invited her out.
The invitation had sounded offhand, spur of the moment. Or that was how he’d apparently intended it to sound. But Charlotte wasn’t fooled. His voice had tensed as though he wasn’t sure she’d say yes—which was ridiculous. Surely he knew how crazy she was about him. Yet, when she assured him she’d be happy to join him for dinner, he hadn’t seemed the least bit relieved.
She’d suggested Mr. Tamales, but he’d disagreed. Instead he’d chosen a fancy seafood restaurant near the harbor. She’d been looking forward to chicken enchiladas, but certainly wasn’t disappointed with her shrimp Louis.
Charlotte could have sworn, however, that Jason hadn’t eaten more than three bites of his wine-sautéed scallops. “Jason,” she said after a long silence. “Is something bothering you?”
“No,” he replied abruptly.
“You haven’t said a word in the last five minutes. Aren’t you feeling well?”
“My stomach’s in knots.” His reply was quick and short-tempered. He reached for his water glass, emptying ice chips into his mouth, then chewed on them fiercely.
“Do you want to leave?”
His eyes met hers and for an all-too-brief moment the tension eased from around his mouth. “Not yet.”
“Okay,” she said, wondering at his strange mood.
“How did everything go with your boss?” he asked, seeming to want to change the subject.
She’d already told him, but apparently he hadn’t been paying attention. “He’s angry, especially since two other people also gave their notice when they learned I wasn’t changing my mind.”
“Did he try to make staying worth your while?”
Charlotte nodded. “He offered me and the others a raise.” Mr. Ward had called all three of them into his office, smugly claimed he was willing to overlook this small mutiny and offered them each a raise if they’d withdraw their resignations.
“You didn’t take his bride—I mean bribe—did you?”
“No.” Charlotte was still basking in the satisfaction she’d felt when she told Mr. Ward she wasn’t interested in withdrawing her notice. Cheryl and Janice hadn’t changed their minds, either. Mr. Ward had been stunned, but she knew that would soon pass.
Before the end of the two weeks, he’d try every manipulative tactic in the book. When she didn’t give in, he’d try anger, his least effective tool.
She was through with a boss who was so angry and unreasonable. Through with guilt and regret and abuse. She already had a line on another job, although she would’ve enjoyed taking the summer off.
Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford it. As it was, she only had two months’ budget in her savings account, and it had taken her a year to accumulate that much. She called it her “attitude money.” It was a whole lot easier to walk away from her position at the agency, knowing she had some cash to fall back on if she didn’t get a job right away.
“How about dessert?” Jason suggested after the waitress had taken their dinner dishes away.
She shook her head. “No, thanks. I’m stuffed.”
He looked disappointed at her response.
“You go ahead, though,” she urged.
Jason immediately rejected the idea, proving her initial impression wrong. But if he wasn’t craving dessert, what did he want? He seemed restless, yet obviously wasn’t inclined to leave.
Whatever was bothering Jason wasn’t trivial, Charlotte realized. Jason Manning wasn’t a man easily unnerved. She wondered if it was something she’d done, something she’d said. She didn’t know what to make of his behavior. Throughout dinner, she’d considered various explanations, none of which seemed all that logical.
The silence between them lingered as they sipped their after-dinner coffee. From the moment he’d picked her up, she’d been surprised that Jason was wearing a suit, the same attractive gray one he’d had on the night of the dance. His brother’s suit. She knew very well that he didn’t dress formally unless it was some important occasion. His entire wardrobe consisted of jeans and T-shirts.
He hated wearing a suit. Five minutes after they’d arrived at the dance, he’d loosened his tie, and had completely discarded it by the end of the evening. Why he’d worn one this evening remained a mystery.
Charlotte frowned, trying to analyze what was wrong. Waiting for Jason to tell her was making her nervous. He looked miserable, which made her increasingly miserable.
She felt close to Jason, closer than she’d felt to any man since Tom. She hadn’t meant that to happen, and she didn’t think Jason had, either. Their relationship had grown steadily more intense in the past weeks. She’d fallen in love—it was that simple—and thought he had, too.
But perhaps falling in love wasn’t what Jason wanted. Perhaps he was trying to find a way to tell her they were in too deep, that he wanted out.
It made sense.
The fancy dinner, the hesitation and even regret. The fact that his eyes kept avoiding hers. The silence. That was the worst. The awkward silence, as though he couldn’t bear to speak those final words.
“I’m ready to leave, if you a
re,” she said with false enthusiasm.
He looked over at her, his expression uncertain. Perhaps he planned to tell her in the restaurant, in order to avoid a scene. She’d heard that was a popular tactic. All Charlotte wanted to do was leave, before she made a fool of herself by breaking into tears.
He was going to break up with her; she was sure of it. A hundred explanations crowded her mind. They’d gotten too close, too fast. It wasn’t as if she was…unencumbered. True, she was single, but she had a child, and if a man was going to get serious with a woman, he’d prefer that she didn’t bring along excess baggage. That was common knowledge. She’d heard it often enough from friends and acquaintances.
Jason’s parents might have disapproved of her, too. It wasn’t as if she came from a fine, upstanding family. His mother had asked her a number of questions Saturday morning about her parents and grandparents. Charlotte had found it difficult to explain that she had no idea where her father was, or even if he was still alive. Neither of the elder Mannings had seemed to disapprove of her openly. If anything, they’d been warm and gracious. But although they might have accepted her, even liked her, they might also think she was the wrong kind of woman for their son.
Jason paid the bill while Charlotte excused herself for a visit to the ladies’ room, hoping to regain her composure.
He was waiting for her by the door when she returned.
Silence accompanied them into the parking lot.
Jason opened her door. By the time he’d walked around the front of his car, Charlotte’s hold on her poise was tenuous. When he glanced in her direction, though, she managed a smile. Her pride demanded it.
Charlotte expected Jason to drive her directly to the apartment, since he hadn’t been able to break the news to her at the restaurant. At least when he delivered the blow, it would be in the comfort of familiar surroundings.
But he drove to a deserted stretch of beach, then pulled off the road, climbed out of the car and came around to her side.
“It’s late,” she said, frowning at her watch. “I should be getting home. Carrie’s by herself.”
“In a minute.” He wore a pensive frown, the same expression she’d seen all evening.
She gazed past him to the shoreline. Small breakers rolled onto the sand, their motion soothing. Charlotte wasn’t soothed, however, and she looked away to the wide expanse of darkening sky. The scent of the sea hung in the air.
“Just say it,” she muttered. Her patience had evaporated and she couldn’t bear the painful silence anymore.
“You know?”
“Of course I know.” She walked onto the sand, removed her shoes and purposefully forged ahead, stopping at a thick log that was charred at one end.
Swallowing a mouthful of self-pity, she looked over her shoulder to discover that Jason had followed her onto the beach. She almost wished he’d driven away, left her behind. It would’ve been easier that way.
Her legs didn’t feel as if they’d support her much longer, so she sat on the log and stared sightlessly out at the horizon, waiting for him to begin his litany of excuses and stumbling explanations.
“Charlotte…I’m not very good at this sort of thing.”
“Who is? Listen, it’s been great.” She strove to sound flippant and knew she’d failed. She lowered her gaze to her hands, forcing herself to continue. “I’ll always be grateful for this time with you.” Tears rolled down her cheeks and she brushed them aside, not daring to look at Jason. “But as we both know, all good things must come to an end….”
Jason said nothing. Not one word, and that made everything even more difficult.
His hands were buried in his pants pockets and when she glanced up at his face, she saw that his jaw was tightly clenched. She didn’t understand his anger, not when she’d made it so easy for him.
“So you had me sit through that whole miserable dinner,” he said with barely controlled antagonism. “Did you enjoy watching me squirm?”
“No.”
“You know, Charlotte, if you weren’t interested in marrying me in the first place you could have—”
“Marrying you!” Charlotte’s head snapped up. “You planned on asking me to marry you?” For one wild second she was paralyzed with shock, unable to move or think. There must’ve been a mistake. It was a joke. Jason Manning was a confirmed bachelor, wasn’t he? Despite her feelings for him, Charlotte had accepted that.
“Don’t pretend you didn’t know,” he said.
“But I thought…I thought you wanted to stop seeing me.”
He snickered as though he didn’t believe her and turned away. “Why would I take you to a fancy restaurant if I wanted to say something as ridiculous as that?” He turned back, glaring at her.
“To let me down easy. What did you expect me to think, when you were in such a bad mood?”
“I already told you I’m no good at this sort of thing. If you want romance and a bunch of pretty words, you’re going to have to marry someone else.”
She was on her feet and not quite sure how she got there. “You honestly want to marry me?” she repeated as her eyes brimmed with tears. They were tears of relief. Tears of joy.
“Sit down,” he said gruffly. “If I’m going to do this, I want to do it right.”
Charlotte complied and was shocked when Jason got down on one knee directly in front of her. He cleared his throat. “I love you, Charlotte. I wasn’t planning to fall in love with you, but I knew it was happening, and I let it happen because—well, I don’t really know. It happened and I’m glad it did. I can’t think of spending a day without you at my side. I can’t imagine playing softball without you there. I love you. I love the chocolate chip cookies you bake. I admire you for the wonderful job you’ve done raising Carrie. I’m deeply impressed by your wisdom and courage.”
“Oh, Jase.” She blinked back her tears and brought her fingertips to her lips.
“You’re the first woman I ever dated who let me be myself. You didn’t feel obligated to clean up after me. You don’t act as if my refrigerator’s some kind of scary science experiment.” He grinned, apparently pleased with his own wit. “You even like sports.”
The lump in her throat made it impossible to speak. Tears ran unrestrained down her face. With all her heart she wanted to shout, “Yes, I’ll marry you,” and throw her arms around him. But she was afraid to believe Jason would continue to love her once he learned how inadequate she was, how worthless she was as a lover. She didn’t know if she could bear to disappoint him.
“If it helps,” he said in a low voice, “I talked to Carrie, and she’s all for us getting married.”
Charlotte sniffed tearfully. “You mean my daughter’s given you her seal of approval?”
“Yup.”
There was another silence. Then he said, “I don’t mean to rush you, but I have this sore knee. I slid into first base last week and I’ve been in pain ever since. So, if you don’t mind, I’d prefer a quick answer.”
Before she could stop herself, before she could listen to her head instead of her heart, she nodded. It wasn’t a very enthusiastic nod, perhaps, but Jason didn’t seem to have any objections.
“Thank God,” he murmured, awkwardly rising to his feet.
“You idiot. You didn’t have to get down on your knee,” she whispered through her tears.
“Yes, I did,” he said, but he sounded grateful to be off it as he sat down on the log beside her. A deep sigh rumbled through his chest. “It wasn’t the most romantic proposal, was it?”
“Oh, Jase, it was perfect,” she said, touching the side of his face and gazing into his eyes. Her throat was tight and constricted. “What you said about not being able to live without me…that’s how I feel about you. Sharing cookies, going to ball games, walking the dog together—it all sounds wonderful. I guess I’m not much of a romantic, either,” she said with a shy laugh.
“I didn’t buy a diamond ring. I figured you’d want to pick a setting yourself.”
A ring. Charlotte froze. Soon he’d want to discuss a wedding date. A chill worked its way through her, the same cold feeling she’d experienced whenever Tom wanted to make love. A sick sensation would build in the pit of her stomach and by the time they went to bed she’d feel encased in ice. All Tom had to do was kiss her and he’d know. Then the tirades would begin, the accusations, the ugliness.
Jason was going to kiss her, too. Now. His lips grazed hers. Briefly. Lightly. The cold fear melted as if it had never been. Charlotte groaned and slipped her arms around his neck.
He kissed her again, but this time the kiss blossomed into something wild and erotic that left Charlotte panting, seeking more.
They drew apart, and she rested her forehead against his. When he spoke, his voice was husky and warm, as warm as heated brandy and just as intoxicating.
“We’re going to be very good in bed,” he whispered.
Charlotte tensed, panic a heartbeat away, but she forced it down, focusing instead on how gentle he’d always been with her. How patient. With Jason, she’d felt a level of pleasure she’d never realized she was capable of reaching. When he kissed her she felt hot and quivery from the inside out. Maybe it would be different this time, with this man. Maybe. She prayed that was true.
“You’re worried about making love, aren’t you?”
She nodded.
“I’d never hurt you, Charlotte. I hope you understand that. Whatever the problem is, we’ll work it out together.”
“I’m grateful…for that.” Despite the excitement she felt at his kisses, she had to fight back the fear that threatened to choke her every time he mentioned the physical aspects of their relationship.
Her only recourse was to insist on a long engagement. That way she could slowly, gradually, feel comfortable with their sexual relationship. After they made love…She hesitated. There’d been a time she wouldn’t have thought that was possible, but Jason had given her hope.
“Do you want to set the wedding date?” she asked, deciding to broach the subject now.
“Yes, but…” He shrugged. “There’s one small problem.”