“I know, Mama Bear. Don’t feel bad, we’ve got this.”
Fiona nodded, still feeling uneasy, as Nora headed back inside. Within a few minutes, several kids ranging in age from middle school to high school had joined her. She had tried to invite Shea to join them, but the younger girl had yet to show any interest. A few times a week, while keeping Shea within her line of sight, Fiona taught gardening classes to the other kids at the center. The classes really were more of a group activity, and she loved spending time with the children. Regardless, she enjoyed digging in the dirt and giving the kids the opportunity to be responsible for something living.
Some of the children she worked with were quiet and shy, hiding painful secrets behind downcast eyes, but when they were showing off a flower they’d nurtured and grown, their pride was unmistakable. That’s what she wanted for each of them, a chance to be excited about something again, to feel as if they mattered in this world.
It was the main reason she’d opened her own shop, and why she loved flowers so much. Her mother had always gardened and had enlisted Fiona’s help when she was younger to care for the plants. Those were special times for them both, times she still held dear to her heart. It had been one of her favorite pastimes, mainly because of how her mother lovingly taught her about both plants and life. When her first flower bloomed, her mother had given her a hug and said she was proud of her. Something Fiona had never forgotten, because that small accomplishment had meant everything to her; it had made her feel like she mattered. Now she wanted to give that same joy to someone else.
An hour or so later, she wrapped up the gardening lesson and put her tools in the bucket before heading to the shed to store it for the next visit. As she approached the building, she noticed an older man emptying several trash cans, then transferring the garbage bags into a large dumpster. Squinting, she wondered if he was the ex-con Nora had told her about.
As she closed and locked the shed’s storage doors, she saw Shea’s familiar braided pigtails out of the corner of her eye. Fiona turned to head in that direction, surprised she hadn’t seen her sister get up from the bench. Shea rarely got up when she was reading—she so easily lost track of time—so when Fiona realized what she was seeing now, she paused to stare.
Shea was standing on the asphalt basketball court, her book at her feet and her earmuffs around her neck, as she moved her arms slowly around her body. She was imitating the large man standing in front of her, moving in a similar fashion.
The extremely large man.
Towering over her little sister.
Fiona scrunched up her brows and took a deep breath, trying to calm her rapidly beating heart as she moved to close the gap between them. Shea always waited for her on the same bench with her nose buried in a book while Fiona did her gardening classes. Always. In the months since they had come back to Woodlawn, they’d never deviated from that routine.
Shea wasn’t capable of deviation, yet somehow, with this stranger, she was.
“Shea, honey, what’s going on?” Fiona reached her sister and placed a hand on each of her shoulders as she stopped behind her.
Fiona narrowed her eyes at the large man; he had dropped his arms to his sides. Now that she was closer, she recognized him from her shop the other day. Everything about him had been impossible to forget, but she had no idea why he was near Shea or why Shea would even have agreed to interact with him.
“Hey! It’s flower girl! Fiona, right?” His charming grin was surrounded by a dark brown scruff. It was those sparking blue eyes, though, that made her heart race for entirely new reasons.
“Right. Pink daisies? Uh, Kevin?” She bit her lip, knowing full well she remembered his name but not wanting him to know she’d been thinking about him nonstop since his visit to her store.
His lips twitched with amusement, and he lifted one brow as he stared back at her. “Close, but it’s actually Kieran.”
“Nice to see you again, Kieran. What are you and Shea doing?” She went from polite to Mama Bear in seconds.
Fiona glanced down at the little girl; Shea had picked up her book and resumed reading.
“Oh, sorry. I guess you’re her mother, huh? You don’t look old enough to have your own business, let alone have an eight-year-old.” He chuckled and ran his hand through his hair.
Fiona remembered how he had made a similar comment the other day, and how he had asked her out. She had said no then, and the answer was an even bigger no now.
She took a protective stance as she stepped between him and Shea. “That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Right, I was teaching her karate. The book she’s reading is about the history of karate, so I thought she might like the chance to learn how to do a bit of it. I’m helping out here doing some volunteering.” He looked sheepish. “I just started.”
“Oh, I see.” Fiona looked to the little girl for confirmation. “Shea?”
“Did you know that a sensei is a karate teacher?” Shea said. “And Kieran is one of those, but he mainly does mixed martial arts. Mixed martial arts has been around only since the 1980s, technically, but its roots can be traced all the way back to ancient Greek times. There was a combination grappling and striking skills sport by the Greeks that was very similar, but eventually Romans started practicing it, too.” Shea prattled on, staring up at the sky as she spoke.
Fiona tried to hold the smile from her face; she was always amused when Shea went off on these long tangents. Shea devoured nonfiction like it was candy, soaking up knowledge about things most kids would have no interest in. Fiona had tried in the past to give her some fiction to read, but like a lot of children with autism, Shea got bored quickly and would struggle with the emotional aspect of stories. “Did he teach you this?”
“Yes, he’s going to get me a book about mixed martial arts next, so I can read more. Did you know that…” Shea rambled on about some obscure fact she’d just learned as Fiona looked up at the man in front of her.
There was an unmistakable pride in the way he watched Shea. As if he had never taught a child something before and it was as exciting for him to teach her as it had been for her to learn.
“Well, thank you, Kieran. That was very nice of you.” She found herself softening as she decided something about his expression seemed trustworthy. “Do you work here?”
“Yeah, doing some tutoring.” He looked away for a moment. Nora had mentioned that a few new people had started here recently. She was hoping that more of them looked like the strong, handsome man in front of her rather than the creepy janitor who was probably the infamous ex-con Nora had told her about.
“I should get her home; it’s almost dinnertime,” Fiona finally said, finding herself searching for an excuse to stay and talk longer but unable to come up with one.
“Do we have the chicken nuggets for dinner?” Shea tucked her book under her arm and walked toward the center. “It’s time to go home.” She pushed her earmuffs onto her ears, excluding the world around her.
“Yes, wait for me, Shea.” Fiona called after her pointlessly, but she saw Nora wave to her and usher the little girl into the building, so she knew she was taken care of for a few minutes. She noticed Nora was careful not to touch Shea, which she really appreciated, since Shea didn’t like to be touched by almost anyone. She barely let Fiona hug her before she’d shimmy away.
“Right, well, um, thank you for helping Shea. Again. That was very kind.” Fiona fumbled over her words, wondering why her feet seemed glued to the ground.
He crossed his arms over his chest as he stared down at her with a slightly crooked smile. “That had to be hard for you to say.”
“What? Why would you say that?” She frowned. Now that she felt a bit more comfortable with Kieran, she was once again noticing how handsome and masculine he was. His short brown hair and perfect blue eyes stirred her insides in a way she’d long since forgotten was possible. She knew she was tall, but he still towered over her, with his thick, broad shoulders and bu
lging pecs and biceps. He was just a lot of everything, a lot of…Fiona bit her lip, refusing to continue down that line of thinking.
He shrugged. “Because you don’t like me very much, and you didn’t seem too keen with me being around Shea.”
Fiona’s cheeks flamed with heat as she realized she’d probably come off kind of bitchy before. “I didn’t say that. I was caught off guard, didn’t know who you were. Shea doesn’t take well to others and sometimes realizes that too late.”
“Hey, I get it. She’s your daughter, and she has special needs. It’s totally understandable why you’re protective of her. She’s too sweet and perfect to let anything happen to her.”
Fiona cocked her head to the side and nibbled her lip. He was right, of course; she wanted to throw a security blanket over Shea and never let anyone dangerous near her. She didn’t really know anything about Kieran, but when he spoke of Shea, his face held a softness that she recognized as true affection.
Shea had that effect on people, always had.
“Shea is actually not my daughter. She’s my little sister. I took guardianship of her about three years ago when our mother died.” Fiona rarely shared that information with anyone, but something felt uneven between them. As if she owed him something, as if his kindness and understanding were gifts she needed to repay.
He looked surprised at her admission and opened his mouth as if to say something, but then paused. Without warning, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her, enveloping her in the tightest hug she’d ever felt.
And man, was she feeling it.
“Kieran!” she gasped, and tried to wiggle away from him, but his arms were like steel. She resisted for only a moment or two before sinking into his embrace.
The moment she did, she discovered she didn’t want to stop. She leaned into his thick arms and smelled the citrus aftershave he was wearing. Her head rested against his shoulder and she felt the coarse graze of the stubble on his chin pressing against her cheek. His heartbeat thumped under her palm, thrilling her and sending waves of warmth with each new pulse.
Then he moved, and she felt cold again.
“You’re doing an amazing thing for that girl,” he whispered in her ear as he finally pulled away and caught her gaze.
Fiona was surprised to find a lump forming in her throat and emotion swelling in her chest. She spent most of her life hiding in the background, doing her best not to be noticed.
Kieran didn’t allow that. He saw her, and he was telling her he appreciated what she was doing. This was already more than anyone had ever done for her in her life, and this man didn’t even know her.
“Thanks.” Fiona took advantage of his loosened grip to pull free. She couldn’t break down right now, not in front of him. Not when he thought she was so strong and amazing. “Um…I should probably catch up to Shea.”
“Fiona!” he called after her.
She turned slightly to look back at him, blinking rapidly, hoping he wouldn’t notice the tears welling in her eyes.
His expression was coy but serious as he raised one brow. “I’m still waiting on your answer, flower girl.”
She felt her cheeks flush in response as she quickly turned and headed into the center. She had already told him she didn’t date, and now he had met the main reason why. The second reason was too hard to admit, even to herself.
—
“Go wash your hands, Shea. Dinner will be ready in a few,” Fiona instructed her sister as they entered the small apartment they occupied quite a few blocks away from the flower shop. Shea had spent the entire bus ride home talking about mixed martial arts, fighting, and karate. Fiona had let her play around on her smartphone, so Shea had taken the opportunity to Google the topics and read out loud everything she could find.
“Not mixed,” Shea reminded her as she dropped her backpack onto the side table and headed to the bathroom.
“I know.” Fiona sighed. It had been the same every day for years. Six chicken nuggets on the same plate, in two rows of three. Two dots to the side of mustard and ketchup, close enough but not touching. If Fiona accidentally mixed the two together, Shea wouldn’t touch the plate. She tried to entice her sister with some vegetables on a separate plate next to it, but Shea was stubborn in her routine. Thank goodness Shea was fine with drinking pediatric shakes to supplement some of the vitamins the chicken nuggets were missing.
Fiona busied herself warming up the plate of food and dished some carrots out for Shea as well, depositing it all on their small fold-up kitchen table just as her sister returned.
“Earmuffs off at dinner.” Fiona motioned for her to remove them. Frowning, Shea followed her instructions and placed them on the table beside her before turning her attention back to her plate.
“One, two, three, four, five, six.” Shea counted out each one and reordered them before she ate all six in quick succession.
“Did you have fun at the center today?” Fiona asked, wondering if she was doing the right thing by leaving Shea with Nora every day. She had tried bringing Shea to the flower shop, but it became too much to watch her and manage customers at the same time.
“I’m getting a new book tomorrow,” Shea responded, not clarifying further.
Most of the time, Shea was easy and rarely took much work. She spent most of her time reading and really was the sweetest little girl Fiona had ever met. However, the few times when things went south, it was almost more than any one person could handle alone. Shea wasn’t able to communicate her feelings or needs, so if she was tired or hungry or too hot or too cold, she would have a complete meltdown. Fiona did her best to keep any of that from ever happening by trying to anticipate Shea’s needs, but it still happened more than she’d like.
Fiona watched her sister eat and wondered if she was doing a good job caring for her. The love was there—that was the easy part. She loved Shea with every fiber of her being and couldn’t imagine being separated from her.
“How about some milk?” Fiona poured a small glass of milk for her sister as she tried to push away the self-deprecating thoughts in her head.
“Okay,” Shea agreed uncharacteristically, not meeting her gaze.
“What? Really?” Fiona handed her the glass, smiling from ear to ear, as if Shea had given her some huge treat. “That’s so great, Shay-Shay.”
Her sister nodded slowly, then tipped the glass to her little lips and downed the milk in a few gulps. She placed it down on the table, then stared at the bowl of carrots for a moment. Fiona held her breath, as if one wrong exhale would ruin the moment.
Shea picked up a carrot, examining it carefully, then bit it in half and chewed. Apparently, she decided she liked it, because she lined the carrots up in a rectangle before finishing.
Fiona watched intently with unmatched excitement.
“I’m done,” Shea announced, and Fiona grabbed her, hugging her tightly. Shea froze stiff as a board but didn’t pull away. Fiona kissed her on the forehead before finally releasing her.
Shea picked up the e-reader Fiona had bought her during a Black Friday sale, with money she’d saved throughout the year. “Can I read tonight?”
“Sure, baby girl—not too late, though. I’ll come read with you once I clean up the kitchen,” Fiona told her, but Shea had already put her earmuffs back on and walked off the moment she heard Fiona’s agreement.
Fiona set about clearing the table and washing the dishes. She then made herself a small grilled sandwich and some steamed broccoli before taking a seat alone at the tiny table in their kitchen. She had eaten alone for years now. Her sister wouldn’t eat with her, so it was easier to keep their dinners separate. Their table barely accommodated one place setting anyway, so it didn’t bother her too much.
Fiona ate quickly and out of necessity, not really tasting anything as she watched Shea out of the corner of her eye. Her little sister had settled onto the small window bench that was covered in cushions. She was intently staring at the tablet’s screen, clicking
every thirty seconds or so to advance to the next page.
Fiona watched her, debating whether she should try to convince Shea to do something besides read all the time. A child reading is a glorious thing, but Shea rarely wanted to do anything else. She didn’t play outside like most children, and she didn’t have the social or communication skills to hold meaningful conversations with others. She didn’t understand emotions and human interaction.
Before their mother had died, she’d perfected how best to care for Shea. She made rules and schedules, doing everything in a routine Shea could understand. Shea was allowed to read one hundred pages during the day, but if the weather was nice, she might make her read outside so at least she got some sun. After dinner was another story; it was only fifty pages more before it was time for PJs.
Their mother had made more mistakes than one person should, but Shea wasn’t one of them. Their mother had loved both of her daughters more than life itself—Fiona had never doubted that. The problem was her rabid search to find the perfect man and fall head over heels in love. It had cost them everything. It had cost lives.
Finishing the last few bites of her sandwich, Fiona wiped her mouth with a napkin and took her dish to the sink, bringing her thoughts back to the present as she did. As she scrubbed everything clean—a task she had to perform, thanks to their lack of a dishwasher—she decided she would take a cue from Shea and spend the night reading. She needed the distraction from the guilt swarming through her.
Since Shea had the only e-reader they owned, Fiona walked over to the tote bag they kept by the door. The bag was loaded with books from the library, and she picked out a paperback she’d checked out for herself. Once a week, they went to the library and stocked up on the type of books they both enjoyed reading. For Fiona, tonight’s read was a romance, one of her favorite genres, about a young journalist at a Cosmo-type magazine who was learning about love for the first time, after having written about it for years.