“You are torn,” Rahmiel said with her singing voice. “Spring is still two months away. Just give it time. I am sure you will make the right decision. Just remember that your forgiveness will not only heal her but also yourself.”
I kept shaking my head and looking at her in disbelief. Then I got up from the chair and stared into her soft blue eyes. “I am sorry,” I said. “But I can’t. It’s just too much to ask of me.”
Chapter 26
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I flew through the corridors of the castle. I felt disoriented and lost. It was like the walls were closing in on me. I felt I was about to suffocate and wanted to get out, to get away from everything. Away from this castle, the school, the teachers, and Mick. I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone anymore. I hated everything and felt so alone. It was like they had trapped me; they had tricked me into this situation. I didn’t appreciate that. It was an ambush, trying to force me to forgive my own killer. Were they nuts? How could they expect that from me? From anyone?
And now what? What if I didn’t do it? Weren’t they going to let me graduate? I suddenly fully understood my assignment and how hard it was. Just like Abhik, I found myself in a tough dilemma that I had no idea how to solve. All of a sudden I really wished I had my parents here. I wanted to ask them for advice. Until now I had been able to go to both Rahmiel and Mick, but they couldn’t help me with this. I knew what they would tell me to do. And I wasn’t going to do that. I just didn’t want to.
I flew outside and stopped at the cliffs. It was night and the huge moon shone on the ocean and caused the white snowy landscape surrounding the castle to shine brightly, almost like it was still daylight. The ocean seemed to be in the same mood as I was and the waves kept hitting the cliffs and causing the water to fly high in the air. It was angry and beautiful. Through its noise, I started yelling back at it, getting some of all my contained anger out. I ended up screaming until my throat hurt. Then I stopped and as I caught my breath I realized I felt all empty inside. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I put my hand on my belly and felt the bump. And that was when something truly amazing happened. It moved. The baby moved inside of me. Just a small kick that felt like I had a small fish inside tickling me. I gasped and grabbed my abdomen with both my hands while laughing out loud and dancing. It was amazing. Literally the most wonderful feeling I had ever had. It left me completely out of breath and had the power to wipe away any other emotion I was feeling at this exact moment. Suddenly nothing else seemed to matter in this world. In any world.
“Nice night, huh?”
I froze at the sound of the voice that came from behind me. I turned and looked into his soft brown eyes. It was Jason. His face had grown older than the last time I had seen him, but he was still so …. Beautiful is not a word I normally would use about a boy, but that is the best description for what I saw. Seeing him in the moonlight that night when I had just felt life inside of me for the first time was nothing less than just that. Beautiful.
I couldn’t help but smile as I looked into his face. I almost cried, until I realized that even though I was having the joy of recognition, on the contrary, he didn’t recognize me at all. His eyes smiled and were friendly, but they lacked the love for me that they used to have. I felt tears in my eyes as I kept staring at his face.
“Are you sad or happy?” he asked. “I can’t tell.”
I scoffed. “I’m both, I guess.”
Jason stepped closer and stood next to me. “I’m Jason, by the way.”
“Meghan.”
“Nice to meet you, Meghan.”
I swallowed really hard trying to push down the growing knot of tears piling up in my throat. “Nice to meet you too.”
“So how long have you been here?”
“I’m in my third year.”
“Oh, so you are going to graduate soon?”
“In a couple of months, yes.”
Jason nodded and stared at the ocean. “It’s a strange place, don’t you think? I can’t seem to find my way around all the corridors and towers. And people are flying and floating everywhere. I have no idea how to learn that.”
“You will.”
Jason nodded pensively. “I guess that is why we are here, right? To learn stuff about ourselves.”
“You have no idea,” I mumbled.
“What was that?”
“Nothing, I am just having a little trouble with this project that I have to do.”
“Ah. Well, I guess it’s not just all about eating delicious food and jumping on the clouds, huh?” He asked.
I shook my head while biting my lip. “Not everything, no. Some things are really hard. But you will get through it.”
“With endurance, right?”
I nodded. “Yes. You’ll need that.”
“Our teacher talked about it today in class. You know that guy with his head under his arm. Kind of creepy but he seems like a nice guy.”
“Professor Grangé,” I said while thinking about my first meeting with him. “He is really nice. You’ll get used to him too.”
“So what happens after you graduate?”
I shrugged. “I actually don’t know. I get my file and get to visit the ones I love. I will get all of my memories back.”
“I would like that now,” Jason said and held a hand to his stomach, where the knife had gone through him. I gasped as I saw it. I had seen it happen in the book, but seeing it in real was so much tougher.
“I am sorry,” I said and looked at it.
“You and me both. I have no idea how it happened.”
“Most people don’t when they come here.”
“Why is that?”
“Our memories get wiped so we don’t cling to our pasts while we are here.”
Jason’s eyes became wide. “Wow. That is a little tough. I would really like to know what happened to me.”
I sighed. “You will one day. Trust me.” And then you’ll wish you never knew, I thought to myself.
Jason stared at me with his head slightly tilted. “You know what? You are the first person I have met since I got here who I really feel like I can talk to about anything.”
A tear was about to slip from my eye and I wiped it away in a hurry. “Likewise,” I said with a thick voice.
“So how did you die?” he asked.
“I was killed. I don’t know how or why yet.”
Jason suddenly seemed to study me closely. Then he reached out his hand and touched my throat gently. He let it slide down and caused all of my body to shiver. I gasped. I had dreamed about him touching me again for so long.
“I know how you died,” he said.
“What? How can you know?”
“I can see it right here.” He touched my throat again and this time I touched it as well. But I couldn’t feel anything. “You can’t see it yourself, but you have two handprints on both sides of your throat. It looks like you were strangled.”
He moved his hand while I kept feeling it like I thought I was able to feel the marks myself. I had thought so often about how I was killed. Now I knew. I looked at Jason and he smiled, acting shy and boyish. Just like I remembered him.
“Thanks,” I said.
“You are welcome.” He was quiet for a long time while he stared over the ocean. “So what was with all the laughing just before?”
“What do you mean?”
He grinned like it had been really funny to watch me. “You were laughing and dancing just before while touching your belly.”
I looked down at the bump. “Oh that … I was just …”
“Something is in there?”
I sighed deeply and touched it gently. “Yes. I think it is a baby.”
“Would it be okay if I ...” he said and reached out his hand.
“Sure.”
I trembled as he put his hand on my stomach and felt it. He looked at me and smiled. I guided his hand and put it where I had last felt something. Then he made a sound and moved his h
and quickly. “I think it moved!” he said with a sparkle in his eyes. “I have never felt that before.”
I laughed. “Neither have I.”
“Oh you mean … that was what the dancing was all about?”
“I just felt it for the first time, yes.”
“Wow. That is really something. So … who is the lucky guy?”
I sighed and stared at the ocean. The waves seemed calmer now. “He is … he …”
Jason put a hand up to stop me. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“It’s just a mess right now.”
“It’s perfectly okay. I understand. I’m only a stranger you just met.”
At that point I wanted so badly to tell him everything, just blurt it out, tell him that I had known him for several years, that I was there when he was beaten by his step-dad and his mom killed him, I was there when he bought drugs, I was even there when he injected them into his body and dozed off. I had gone through so much with him, for him, but I couldn’t tell him. It would ruin all of his training at the Academy. Part of it was, after all, to figure out who you were and work on your weaknesses. Part of it was going through stuff that you didn’t understand why you had to go through.
“Thanks,” I said.
“I just hope he knows what he’s got.” Jason smiled and looked up. “I’d better be going now. I have a lot of classes tomorrow and just finding my way through the corridors will take all of my energy. I need my sleep.”
I nodded. I wanted to reach out and grab him. I wanted so badly to pull him close to me, to feel his lips on mine again and hold him in my arms. Instead I restrained myself and smiled softly. “Sleep tight.”
“It was nice meeting you, Meghan.”
“Likewise.”
“Oh … and good luck with the baby and everything.”
My heart dropped. I realized that I really loved Jason. But it was no longer enough. We used to be worlds apart, but now there was a life between us. A new life growing inside of me. It felt like a bigger gap than ever. It was a hurdle we couldn’t get over. I had to think of the baby first and foremost. Jason would eventually get his memory back when he graduated, and then he might remember me and what we had shared, but then it would be too late. The baby would be born and it would be Mick’s. And so would I.
“Thanks,” I said with thick voice.
“Bye now.”
I followed him with my eyes as he went back toward the castle. When he reached the top of the hill he turned and waved at me. I waved back feeling completely lost and abandoned.
Chapter 27
I went directly to Mick’s chamber. He had his own room in a tower in the north end of the castle. I realized I was crying when I woke him up. He looked at me with great surprise.
“What’s going on?” he asked with sleepy voice. “Are you okay?” He sat up and I threw myself in his arms, crying my heart out, letting it all go. He held me tightly and asked no questions until I was done crying.
“Did someone hurt you?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Did something happen to you?”
I sobbed and nodded.
“What? What happened?”
I looked into his eyes. They were worried and concerned. “I …” I took in a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. “I saw Jason …”
Mick pulled himself away from me and looked at me with disbelief. “You went to him in the middle of the night?”
“No … I was outside, on the cliffs. I was angry at Rahmiel for forcing me to help Rosey even though she killed me and I can’t … and then … then I felt something, like a kick and then I was dancing and Jason saw it.”
Mick shook his head. “Meghan. You are not making any sense here. What is that about Rosey killing you and who kicked you? Jason?”
I laughed through my tears. A light, highly needed laughter. It felt like the greatest relief. “No … Jason didn’t kick me. The baby did.”
Mick looked confused. “What baby? What are you talking …?” Then he went quiet. His eyes widened while thoughts flickered through his mind. “Do you mean … like a real b… are you telling me something here, Meghan?”
I nodded while sobbing and smiling at once.
“You are … you have …,” He put his hand on my belly and felt it.
I laughed while tears were rolling over my face. “Yes, Mick. I am.”
He looked up and I read his next question in his eyes. “And yes. It is yours.”
“That night …? Oh no. You mean to tell me that we made a baby that night?”
I nodded. “It doesn’t matter what happened anymore, how it happened,” I said. “We are having a baby.”
I could tell a million thoughts went through Mick’s head at once. “But I never wanted it to happen that way!”
“I know. Neither did I, but what’s done is done and now we have to focus on our future.”
“But I can never forgive myself for … I am going to think about it every time I look at the baby. How are we supposed to …?” Then he stopped. He looked at me and grabbed my face between his hands. “Did you say our future?”
I nodded again.
“So you want to … I mean even after …?”
“Let’s just take one day at a time. But yes, Mick I want us to be a family. I want this baby to grow up with both parents caring for it.”
Mick’s expression was so thrilled. His eyes started piling up with tears and soon they were rolling down his cheeks.
“Our own little family. And what about Jason?”
I swallowed a large lump in my throat. “He’s not important. Let’s focus on us.”
“And the wedding?”
“Let’s wait until I’ve graduated.”
Mick started laughing out loud.
“What?” I asked and laughed as well.
“I am just suddenly now understanding something.”
“And what is that?”
“Your sudden cravings for pickles lately? I didn’t get why you kept wanting them so badly whenever I was about to make your food.”
“Oh. That. Well yes. A little cliché, but I really crave them. As a matter of fact I could really go for some right now.”
“Let me make you some.” Mick got up and reached out his hand. I grabbed it and let him pull me up. Then he held me in his arms, pulled me close and kissed me.
We didn’t talk much about the wedding but decided to set the date for two weeks after graduation. I wanted to wait until graduation was done and have a summer wedding, but we agreed that we were in no rush, although we did want to have it done before the baby was born. Then we told everybody at the school that I was pregnant and invited them to join us at our wedding.
We had a meeting with the hospital doctor and he told us that I would be pregnant for nine months. He said that the baby was going to be born as a spirit and that he—or she—would never spend time on earth. He also told us that it was perfectly normal, that a lot of spirits never got to live on earth, but was only born to be in Heaven. It would grow as a child and when it was fully grown it would be given the possibility to choose what age it wanted to be for the rest of eternity.
“It really is perfectly normal. You are not the first two spirits to fall in love and have a child,” he said with a smile. “But given your circumstances and the fact that you will be in an advanced stage of your pregnancy when you graduate, I would recommend that you stay here at the castle during the summer and until the child is born in the fall.”
I agreed to do that. In fact I was happy to. It was nice that I didn’t have to give birth in completely new surroundings. I liked having the same familiar doctors and people around me.
Mick talked to Salathiel and he would be released from his duties at the school as soon as the baby was born, so he could come with me into Heaven and start our new life together.
Everything seemed to be slowly falling into place. Mick and I talked a lot and I felt strongly that he was able to tackle his jealousy
and have no more angry outbursts. All in all, we were doing great, I was doing great, although there was something I knew I had to face soon. Something I had not yet decided what to do about. The date of Rosey’s death was getting closer and I had no idea what I was going to do. If I didn’t go to get her, I wouldn’t graduate at all and that would be horrible. I wouldn’t be able to go through the gates of Heaven and we wouldn’t be able to start our new life together as a family. I would have to retake the last year, but how was I supposed to do that with a baby on my arm? I went to the headmaster Salathiel and pleaded him to let me off the hook, to let me graduate even though I didn’t finish my assignment.
“It’s not fair to the other students,” Salathiel answered. “And it is not fair to you either. You were given that assignment not only to help Rosey, but also to bring healing to yourself. Without going through it you will not have learned the lesson we are trying to teach you.”
That just made me even angrier. Why would they put me in this position? “I am not going to help my own killer and that is that. She destroyed my family. I am not going to help her. She put herself in that mess. I can’t help her out of it. Not when I know what she did to me and my parents. End of discussion,” I answered.
Salathiel shrugged. “Well then, you won’t graduate,” he said.
“Look at me,” I said and pointed at my growing stomach. “I can’t take another year in school. What about the baby?”
Salathiel sighed. “We will have to work it out somehow. I am sorry, but you will just have to. Rules are rules.”
Upset to the point where I was afraid I was going to say something that I would later regret, I got up from the chair and was about to go through the door to his chamber when he stopped me.
“Okay.” He sighed. “Given your circumstances I will change your assignment. I will grant you the right to graduate if you do one thing.”