I felt her walls constrict around me as she let out a stuttering cry. Then I felt her nails clawing down my back so hard, my skin felt wet. I inhaled a quick, pain-filled breath. The slight agony mixed with the profound pleasure drove me over the edge. I let out a deep moan and tightened my fingers around Kiera’s thigh as hard as I could while my body exploded in bursts of glorious release.
My hips slowed as the euphoria lessened. For a few seconds, I felt nothing but peaceful satisfaction. I loved her. She loved me. We’d made love to each other, and it had been better than anything I’d ever felt before. I wanted to curl up in her arms, feel her stroke my hair, whisper that I loved her and that I’d never leave her. I’d stay here with her, because this was where my heart was. She was my heart.
Then I felt Kiera start to cry. No, not cry. She was sobbing. Pain-filled, remorseful sobs that screamed Why did I just do that?
My happiness disintegrated as I pulled back from her. I fixed my clothes, then sat back on my heels. Grabbing my shirt, I held it in my hands since I couldn’t put it on yet. My back was bloody, I could feel it. She’d cut me with how badly she’d wanted me, and now she looked like she might vomit. I’d just had the most profound physical connection that I’d ever had with someone, and she looked like she was going to throw up. Because…she didn’t love me. This was a mistake. Again. All I would ever be to her was a mistake. Fuck. I’d told her I loved her, and she looked like her world had just ended.
While Kiera put her underwear back on, my body shook with a cold that had nothing to do with the temperature. She dressed herself one-handed while she used her other hand to clamp her mouth shut, like if she let go, she’d immediately get sick. Anger brewed within me as I watched her put her shirt back on. God, was I so disgusting to her? Was what we’d done so repulsive?
When she was dressed, she sniffled and said my name. “Kellan…?”
I hadn’t moved, hadn’t helped her, hadn’t lifted my gaze from the floor. I couldn’t. I was shocked by her reaction. And angry. She’d duped me again. I looked up when she said my name. My eyes were wet, but I didn’t care. I’d risked everything for her…my friendship with Denny, my sanity. I’d put it all on the line, because I’d believed I’d actually found someone in this world who cared about me. And here she was, devastated. She didn’t care. She still didn’t care, not like I needed her to. It killed me that I’d betrayed Denny again, for nothing. I should have gotten in my car and driven away. I could have been out of the city by now. That had been my plan; why hadn’t I stuck to it?
“I tried to do the right thing. Why couldn’t you just let me leave?” Why aren’t I strong enough to walk away? Why am I so fucking selfish? Why am I still in love with her?
She started crying again. Grabbing her jacket, she stood and prepared to leave. I stared at the floor again, wishing I could crawl through it. I wanted nothing more than to disappear. Suddenly, I heard Kiera gasp. She made a move toward me, and I understood why; I could feel the blood dripping down my back. She’d just realized what she’d done to me. Yes, Kiera. You tore me, so much deeper than you realize.
Not looking up, I told her, “Don’t. Just go. Denny has probably noticed your absence by now.” And he’s the one you want to be with, right? I don’t need your sympathy. I need your love. But that, you’ll never give me.
Kiera turned and fled the stand, and then I was alone. Again.
Chapter 13
Stay or Go?
I stayed in that espresso stand for what felt like hours. I heard people come and go, and had to assume that one of the cars leaving the lot had Kiera and Denny inside it. My skin stung as my shirt brushed against my cuts when I put it back on, but I welcomed the pain. It was a reminder that I was an idiot. I deserved to have my heart bashed in. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
As I walked to my car, I recalled the moments before Kiera and I had caved. She’d begged me to stay. The first girl in my life who’d asked me to stick around. The first person ever. Even my own parents had never asked me to come back when I’d run away. No, instead they’d sold the house, moved, and tossed all my shit. They’d thrown me away, and that was what I expected from everyone else. But Kiera…she’d cried for me. Sobbed. Her tears had been genuine…she couldn’t fake emotion like that.
I stumbled to my car, disoriented by my conflicting thoughts. I hated her. I loved her. She didn’t give a shit about me. She cared so much, she’d cried. Okay…so what the fuck do I do with all of that? And did any of it matter? She was still Denny’s girl. He’d still been the one to take her home. He’d won, and a part of me wanted it that way; after what I’d done behind his back, he deserved to have it all—the career and the girl.
Climbing inside my car, I started it, then pulled out of the parking lot. I wasn’t sure where to go. My options were endless, but the results were all the same. Anywhere I took off to, I would be completely alone. That really only left one option.
A set of watery hazel eyes filled my vision. Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me. She’d begged for me to stay. She’d given herself to me, even though Denny had been less than a hundred yards away. That had to mean something…and I would never know what if I left. She might very well be the first person to ever have feelings for me. She might just be confused, because she had feelings for Denny too. We’d had a real moment together tonight. We’d spoken real emotions, real fears. She wasn’t playing me, she wasn’t faking. She wasn’t a whore or a bitch. She was confused, hurting, and scared…just like me.
My heart softening, I relaxed into my seat. What if we were more alike than I realized? What if she was only with Denny because she didn’t like being alone and she didn’t know any other way? Or what if she loved him, but she felt something for me too? Could I share her with him? Would that be better than nothing, better than being empty and alone? Denny could have the majority of her, but I would get small, tiny fragments…like tonight, when she’d asked me to stay. Could I live with just that much?
I wasn’t sure, but I knew one thing. I couldn’t leave. The pull to her was too strong now. I’d missed my window of opportunity. I was here for good now, to see this through, one way or another. And I knew it would hurt. It would probably be the death of me. But…life was overrated anyway, and a second with her was better than decades on my own. If my life was destined to be a sea of emptiness without her, then I was glad to give it up.
I headed for home through the side streets. I wanted time to think before I got there. I wanted to make sure I could do what I was planning on doing. I couldn’t go back to the angry, painful dance Kiera and I had been engaged in since Denny had returned. No, if I was going to go home and stay with her, then we were going to have a relationship—a mutually agreed-upon one. I needed closeness. I needed to hold her, and I needed to be held by her. If she pushed me out again, this wouldn’t work.
By the time I got back to the house, it was so late, it was almost time to get up. I was giddy when I walked through the front doors. Oddly, I felt completely at peace. Kiera liked me. She wanted me to be here, and so here I was. And we would all be happy and joyous again. So long as no one found out that Kiera and I had feelings for each other.
Denny woke up and ambled downstairs. A smidge of guilt seeped into me, but I pushed it aside. What I had with Kiera was more than I’d ever had in my life with anyone. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t let it go. It didn’t really have anything to do with him anyway.
I made a pot of coffee while Denny prepared himself a mug of tea, and we talked about random things that had nothing to do with what was happening between Kiera and me right underneath his nose. While I was sitting at the table, sipping my coffee, I heard someone running down the stairs. Denny didn’t seem to notice the commotion; he was leaning against the counter, sipping his tea, and watching the TV in the living room.
Knowing that Kiera was about to step into the room any second, I glued my eyes to the entryway leading into the kitchen. Like a goddess descending from heaven,
she stepped into a shaft of light as she rounded the corner. Then she stopped and stared at the odd image of Denny and I getting along like nothing had changed.
I wanted to give her a warm smile, maybe even kiss her cheek, but she was staring at me with such shock that a surge of annoyance flashed through me. She’d asked me to stay; why was she now surprised that I had? Had she changed her mind? Was she not even going to give me a chance? I smiled at her as I tried to push back the anger. I’d been holding on to that pain for so long now, but it was time to let it go. It was time to let her in. I needed to relax.
Denny turned to Kiera when he noticed her. “Good morning, sleepy. Feeling any better?”
It took her a second to peel her eyes away from me long enough so that she could answer him. That made my smile grow. At least I had her attention. “Yes, much better,” she told him. I was curious what they were talking about, but then figured faking a sickness had been her excuse to get away from the bar last night.
My eyes followed her as she walked past Denny to sit at the table opposite me. She hadn’t even touched him. Interesting. She studied him though, once she was seated at the table, and her face was somber and full of guilt. It was clear that she was torn, saddened by betraying him and opening herself to me. I hated that she looked that way, and it made a surge of jealousy and guilt flood through me. No…Let it go…This isn’t about Denny.
When she was finished with Denny, she swung her eyes my way and started studying me. She didn’t look happy about what she saw, and her mournful expression shifted to one of anger. Was she angry at me? Why? I hadn’t forced her. In fact, she was the one who had begged me to do it, so if anyone should be feeling anger here, it should be me. Mirroring her expression, I narrowed my eyes as I studied her.
I turned away just as Denny turned to Kiera. Denny caught her sneering at me, and I couldn’t contain my smile. Served her right. She could be a lot of things this morning, but angry with me wasn’t one of them.
“Do you want me to make you anything to eat?” Denny asked her, genuinely concerned that she was still ill. She wasn’t.
“No, that’s all right. I’m really not feeling up to food yet.”
I wanted to move past this awkwardness. I wanted what we’d had back. And I wanted more. She looked so damn good this morning, I was starting to get aroused just watching her. I would love to take her upstairs and put her back into bed. My bed.
“Coffee?” Denny asked her, pointing to the pot beside him.
Kiera’s face paled as she whispered, “No.” I knew she was remembering what I’d been remembering all morning—my hands on her, her hands on me, moans, groans, thrusting into her, feeling her come around me, releasing inside her. Heaven and hell. The smell of coffee was permanently linked with sex now.
Denny set down his mug and walked over to her. My heart started beating harder as he got closer. I knew what he was going to do even before he did it, and it bothered me. Leaning down, Denny tenderly kissed her forehead. I didn’t want to watch, but I couldn’t stop myself, and I struggled to control my emotions. All I wanted to do was growl at him to get away from her, but I had to stay silent. If Denny knew about Kiera and me, his joy wouldn’t be the only thing that would be destroyed. Our friendship would be too.
“All right. Let me know when you do get hungry. I’ll make you whatever you want,” Denny said with a smile before heading to the living room and plopping down in front of the TV. I wanted to sigh in relief that he was gone, but my stomach was in knots. Would Kiera join him, or stay with me?
Surprising me, she stayed at the table. From the way she had her head down though, I thought maybe that was purely out of guilt. Sadly enough, I would take it. I cleared my throat, and Kiera startled like she’d forgotten I was there. That hurt. I looked over at Denny, peacefully oblivious, and that hurt too. I was the worst sort of person. I really didn’t want to hurt him…I just wanted her so much. I loved her, and all I wanted was for her to love me too. Just a little bit. A fraction of her feelings for him…that was all I wanted. That wasn’t too much to ask, was it?
When I returned my eyes to hers, she was studying me again. She was examining my shirt, like she was picturing me naked. Maybe she was remembering raking her nails down my skin. Maybe she wanted to do it again. I’d certainly let her. Whatever she wanted to give me, no matter how big or how small. My body was reacting to just the thought of her hands on me, and I kind of wished she could see what she was doing to me. That’s how much I want you.
A crooked smile lifted my lips, and now that Denny was out of the room, I finally felt the jealousy and guilt slipping away. It helped to be alone with her. When it was just the two of us together, I let myself imagine for a few moments that we were the only two people concerned. Kiera’s cheeks flushed with color and she looked away from me. She had been thinking about it then. Right now, she was thinking about being with me. She wanted to be with me. And damn…I wanted to take her again…regardless of what that would do to Denny. And if she was thinking about it…maybe she wanted that too.
“A little late for modesty, don’t you think?” I whispered, teasing her. If you let me, I’ll tease you in a different way.
“Have you lost your freaking mind?” she hissed, trying to be quiet but failing. I smiled a little wider. Yes, it’s quite possible I have. Love does that. Calming herself, she asked, “What are you doing here?”
I tilted my head to the side as I played with her. What I wouldn’t give to really play with her. “I live here…remember?” You can have me every night, if you want.
Kiera almost looked like she wanted to slug me. She laced her fingers together though. “No, you were leaving…remember? Big, brooding, dramatic exit…ringing any bells?”
Her tone was so sarcastic, I couldn’t help but laugh. She was so cute when she was irritated. I could calm her down if she’d just go upstairs with me. “Things changed. I was very compellingly asked to stay.” Smiling, I bit my lip. Ask me to stay right now, Kiera. Let’s go in the other room, and I can show you again how much I want to be with you.
She closed her eyes and held her breath. Her face right at that second reminded me of last night, when she’d been overwhelmed with need for me. I could scratch your itch, Kiera. I’m ready. Are you?
“No. No, there are no reasons for you to be here.” She opened her eyes, took in my smile, then glanced behind her at Denny, still oblivious in the other room.
As much fun as playing with her was, I knew I needed to let her know that I was serious. That I was staying, because she’d asked. That I needed her, and I knew she needed me too. She was just too damn stubborn to admit it. Leaning in, I told her, “I was wrong before. Maybe you do want this. It’s worth it to me to stay and find out.” You’re worth everything to me. Everything. If it came down to it, even my friendship with Denny.
She sputtered for something to say, like I’d just told her I was an alien or something. “No!” was all she came up with. After a second, she gathered herself and added, “You were right. I want Denny. I choose Denny.”
She was pleading, but I really couldn’t tell if she was pleading with me or with herself. And if there was a grain of doubt in her mind, then I couldn’t walk away. Doubt inside her was hope inside me.
Smiling, I reached out, touched her cheek, and traced a line across her succulent mouth. Almost instantly she reacted to me. Her breath quickened, her eyes half closed, and her lips parted when I brushed against them. I knew if I continued exploring her body, I’d find her just as ready for me as I was for her.
With a great deal of willpower, I stopped myself. I had to chuckle at her reaction. Be as stubborn as you want, your body doesn’t lie. “We’ll see,” I said, forcing my hand to return to my lap, when all it wanted to do was explore hers.
Irritated, Kiera jerked her head Denny’s way. “And him?”
My vision sank to the table. Yes…Denny. No matter how I spun the situation, I was betraying Denny. Hurting him wasn’t something I
wanted to do, which was why I was okay with keeping this a secret, keeping it just between us. If Denny didn’t know what we were doing, Kiera could keep him. If she chose. Whatever she wanted to do with her boyfriend was up to her.
Hating what I had to say, I told her, “I had a lot of time to think last night.” I peeked back up at her. “I won’t hurt him unnecessarily. I won’t tell him, if you don’t want me to.” I’ll keep quiet about this forever, if you never want him to know that you share your life with both of us. Whatever will make this easier for you. Whatever you want. So long as I get a part of you, no matter how small, I’ll be happy.
Her answer was immediate. “No, I don’t want him to know.” She looked pained by that admission. I understood. I hated that Denny was a part of this at all, but unfortunately he was. But their relationship would be separate from ours, and I was…trying to be okay with that. Kiera didn’t appear to share my acceptance. She looked torn and confused. “What do you mean…unnecessarily? What do you think we are now?” she asked.
My smile came back to me as I reached across the table to hold her hand. It felt so nice to hold her again. Once she got over the shock and the guilt, she’d remember how great it felt to touch me, how amazing the connection we had was.
She flinched and tried to pull her hand away, but I securely held it as I stroked her fingers. She needed to remember how easy it was to hold me. That was the only way we could return to how we were. “Well…right now, we are friends.” I ran my eyes up and down her body, wishing we were completely alone again. “Good friends.” And so much more. Let me in, and I can be your everything.