“Kellan, I—”
Recalling the pain of the moment, I interrupted her. “Then you cried for Denny, and I wanted to die again.” The tears in her eyes dripped to her cheeks, and I watched them fall. I had felt like those tears that night—discarded, washed away, forcefully removed from where I’d wanted to be. Rejected. “That night was so…intense for me. I wanted so badly to hold you after, but you were so upset…you looked ill. I made you feel ill. You hated what we had done, and it had meant so much to me.” Pain engulfed me and I tried to look away. I couldn’t quite turn my eyes from her though, and I kept her in the corner of my vision. “I hated you after that,” I whispered.
More tears fell as Kiera sniffled. With a sigh, I turned away from her. “I almost left that night. I wanted to…” I knew I was making her feel guilty. I didn’t want to, I just wanted her to understand. If she knew what I’d been feeling, then she’d get what I’d done, and what a profound decision I’d arrived at. Even though what happened in the espresso stand was a memory that still haunted me sometimes, her tears in the orange glow of the parking lot lights was what pulled me through it. She’d shown me that she truly cared, so I’d decided to stay, regardless of the consequences.
Turning back to her, I cupped her cheeks in my hands. Her tears dried while I held her gaze, and I was mesmerized by the green-gold depths. “I couldn’t leave you. I remembered the look on your face when I told you I was leaving. No one’s looked at me that way before. No one’s ever cried for me before. No one’s asked me to stay before…no one. I convinced myself that you cared for me. I knew then that I would stay with you…even if it killed me.”
After a long, deep kiss that left us both breathless and wanting more, I pulled away. Grabbing her hand, I continued us on our relationship-altering walk. “I am sorry about being so…amorous with you. I never wanted to hurt you. I simply…wanted you.” When I gave her a roguish smile, Kiera missed a step. I wasn’t sure if that was because of me or not, but it made me laugh all the same. “When you asked, I did try to keep it…well, you had to know on some level that we were never innocent, right?” I pointedly raised an eyebrow, and she was reluctant about it, but she eventually nodded. Good. She couldn’t keep lying to herself about what we’d done.
With a smile, I said, “Well, I tried to keep it less…sinful…then. You made that shockingly hard to do,” I teased with a glare.
She looked genuinely confused. “Me?”
Amazed at her inability to see her own sexiness, I shook my head in playful exasperation. “Yes, you. If you weren’t dressed provocatively, or throwing yourself at me provocatively, or making very provocative noises…” She was obviously embarrassed at that, and I laughed at the cute look on her face. “If you weren’t doing all that, then you were simply just too adorable to resist.” I narrowed my eyes at her. “I am only a man after all.”
Stubborn as always, she shook her head and brushed off my praises with casual disbelief. Her self-image problems went as deep as my own. “You’re absurd, Kellan.”
She rolled her eyes and another laugh escaped me. She thought I was being ridiculous, but I was being entirely truthful. She didn’t know what I felt every time I looked at her. Even now, as she held my hand and walked with me through a dimly lit building, I was partially aroused by her presence. There was something about her that spoke to me on a primal level. I felt like I was constantly fighting the urge to throw her down and claim her. Maybe that feeling was just because of the sticky situation that we’d found ourselves in…but I didn’t really think so. She was just…it for me. “Again…you don’t realize how attractive you are to me. After all this time, I would think that was painfully obvious.”
She playfully elbowed me for my suggestive comment, and we enjoyed a moment of levity. But then seriousness settled around me. What I’d done to her next…never should have happened.
“I am sorry I took it too far. I should have let you end it. You were right to stop it. Everything that happened later was my fault. I should have let you go. I just, couldn’t…”
“Kellan, no it—”
She tried to object, but I interrupted her with a heartfelt apology for the disaster that had led us to where we were now. “The club, that was…intense. I wanted you so bad, and you wanted me, too. I considered pulling you into a bathroom and taking you right there. I think you might have even let me?”
I looked down at her and she nodded. Joy lifted me for a moment, but then I recalled the rest. “I saw Denny coming. I couldn’t do it. I pushed you away, praying desperately that you would tell him you wanted me. That you would choose to leave with me. You…didn’t, and it killed me.”
She stopped walking. I took a step, then turned to look back at her. Guilt and grief were waging war in her eyes, but all I could see right now was her lips on Denny’s. God, that had hurt. “I couldn’t even come home. I took your sister to Griffin’s. I think I bored her. I wasn’t much fun, moping on the couch all night like I did. Eventually, she gave up on me and turned her attention to Griffin. And, well, you know how that ended.”
Kiera swallowed a knot in her throat. Yeah, she knew now, thanks to Jenny, but she hadn’t known back then. And because she hadn’t known, because I’d hurt her, we’d gotten into a monstrous fight, and I did something to her that I would never forgive myself for.
“I was…I am really freaked out about what happened…in the car. What I said. What I did. I didn’t know you thought I slept with Anna until that moment, and I was so angry at you for…Denny, I let you believe it. I…embellished it.” I looked at the ground so I didn’t have to see her face. “Being angry with you almost made me want you even more.”
It took Kiera a moment to respond. I didn’t blame her. I’d been awful to her. “Kellan…you have no idea how difficult that was for me. How hard that was to ask you to stop, when my whole body was begging for you not to.”
She stroked my cheek and I swallowed; my throat felt raw. I didn’t deserve her understanding on this one. “You have no idea how hard it was to stop myself. I wasn’t lying, about what I had been thinking.”
Peeking up to look at her, I watched a contemplative expression wash over her face. She didn’t seem happy about what she was remembering. Again, I didn’t blame her. I’d wanted to keep going. I’d known that eventually she would change her mind and beg for me…if I pressed her long enough. I’d nearly ripped off her underwear and tasted her, against her express desire. She might have let me, she might have kept telling me no, but it was impossible to say. Either way, it would have been wrong. I was furious at the time, but now, I was glad she’d stopped me.
“Do you think less of me now?” I asked her.
With her chin raised, she shook her head. Looking away from her, I sighed. “I’m so sorry I yelled at you, Kiera.” If I had just left her alone in the club, let her dance the night away with Denny, none of that would have happened. But jealousy, pain, and passion had taken away all of my common sense. I’d made a move, toyed with her mind and her heart, and then I’d called her a tease and a whore. I was such a dick.
When I returned my eyes to hers, I knew mine were glistening. Kiera ran a hand back through my hair. “I know you are sorry…I remember.”
Idiocy flowed through me when I realized what she was referring to. My breakdown. “Ah, yes, me sobbing like a baby…not my finest hour.”
I tried to avert my eyes, but she grabbed my cheek and made me look at her. “I disagree. If you hadn’t, if I hadn’t seen that remorse, I probably would never have spoken to you again.”
As she stared at me, I remembered the absolute, soul-crushing grief I’d felt that night. It was so much more than guilt that had driven me over the edge. I thought that in that one stupid moment of anger, I’d lost everything I’d been waiting my entire life to have—someone who cared about me. “It wasn’t just remorse. True, I felt horrible for speaking to you like that…but mostly, I was sure that I had just completely severed the only loving relationship I?
??ve ever had. I knew I’d lost you. I knew you were completely Denny’s then. I saw it in your eyes, and I knew I’d never have a chance with you—none.”
The grief in my heart spilled out of my eye, and Kiera wiped the single tear away with her thumb. I haven’t lost her. She’s still with me. “I never expected you to…comfort…me. No one’s ever done that…ever. You don’t know how much that meant to me.”
I could barely get the words out, my voice was trembling so much. Swallowing, I took a moment to collect my emotions. Kiera leaned in to kiss me, but I minutely pulled away. I needed to say this. She needed to know. “I was so scared to be near you after that. I allowed myself one last goodbye with you in the kitchen, but I didn’t want to touch you anymore.” Searching her eyes, I hoped she understood what I was about to say. “I’m sorry that I hurt you, but I needed to be distracted from you, to make sure I never took things so far again.”
Kiera’s face still resonated with empathy. I couldn’t take it, not with what I needed to apologize for next. Pulling her hand away from my cheek, I looked out over the water. “I’m so sorry about all the women, Kiera. I never should have hurt you like that. I didn’t want to…Well, maybe a part of me did. I just—”
She cut me off. “You don’t…you already apologized for that, Kellan.”
“I know.” When I looked back at her, my vision was so watery, I almost couldn’t see her. “I just really feel like I messed up. But you didn’t want me, not in the same way that I wanted you…and I couldn’t bring myself to leave you anymore. I did the only thing I knew, that I’ve ever known, for blocking out the pain. To feel…wanted.” My vision cleared as another tear rolled down my cheek.
“Women,” Kiera stated, only a matter-of-factness in her voice. The word sliced me to the core though. How badly had I messed us up? Would she ever really forgive me for what I’d done?
“Yeah.”
Kiera’s lips twisted into an amused smile. My heart lifted at seeing it. “Lots and lots of women.”
I didn’t want to smile, but I couldn’t help but smile looking at her. I love you so much. “Yeah…I’m sorry.”
Her face was calm, her eyes full of love. “It’s okay. Well, it’s not okay, you still shouldn’t use people…but I think I understand.”
Hoping against hope that she meant that, that she could heart-and-soul forgive me, I peeked up at her from under my eyebrows. Kiera smiled, then leaned forward and gave me the softest kiss, a kiss full of patience, love, joy, and understanding. She got me, I was sure she did. So now, the only question was, did I understand her, and all of her actions? I thought so, but I wanted to make sure.
Pulling away, I asked, “So…?”
She looked a little irritated that my lips were gone, but seemed more confused than anything. “What?”
“Was I right? Did you use me?”
Her expression immediately shifted to guilt as she looked away. “Kellan…”
Yep. She did. But that was okay. I already knew she had, I just wanted to hear her say it. I wanted us on the same page for once. “It’s okay if you did, Kiera. I just…I would like to know.”
She sighed as she looked back at me. “I have always felt…something for you, but…yes, the first time I did use you, and I’m so sorry, that was incredibly wrong of me. If I’d have known that you loved me, I never would have—”
Pride swelled in me that she had admitted it. Admission was the first step…“It’s okay, Kiera.”
“No, it’s not.” Her expression was still glum, but then it softened, along with her voice. “The second time I didn’t. That had nothing to do with Denny. That was about us. That was real. Every touch after that was real.”
Lightness buoyed my heart as her words echoed around my brain. Every touch after that was real. “That’s surprisingly good to hear,” I whispered, staring past her as her spoken thoughts became my own. That was about us. That had nothing to do with Denny. Thinking of Denny, I frowned. He was a good man. He didn’t deserve this. And I didn’t deserve her. I was the odd man out in this triangle, the third wheel, and if I were a good person, I would do the honorable thing and bow out. But hadn’t I tried to do that already? It just never seemed to stick.
“You should be with Denny…not me. He’s a good man.”
“You’re a good man too,” she said, searching my face. I shook my head. Not like him. He would never do the things I had done. Kiera ran her fingers through my hair with a sigh. “Don’t let our relationship make you think that you’re a bad person. You and I are…complicated.”
“Complicated…” I mused. “I suppose we are.” Yes, that was a good word to use for us. Cupping her cheek, I ran my thumb along her skin. And I was the one who’d made us that way. I’d crossed a line. I’d fallen where I shouldn’t have fallen, and I’d dragged her with me. I was the weight around her neck, pulling her down when she should be soaring. I dropped my hand from her cheek. “That’s my fault—”
Her brows drew together in annoyance. “Don’t, Kellan. I’m just as culpable as you. I’ve made mistakes—”
Because of me.
I tried to interrupt, but she spoke over me. “No, we both messed this up, Kellan. It takes two to…you know. I wanted you just as badly as you wanted me. I needed you as much. I wanted to be near you just as much. I wanted to touch you as much. I care for you…”
Heartache, grief, pain, and remorse swelled in me. All of it was being contained by a paper-thin layer of hope. Hope for a future with Kiera. Even if I didn’t deserve it, I wanted it. “I’ve never been very clear with you. Maybe, if I had just told you that I loved you from the beginning? I’m so sorry, Kiera. I hurt you so many times. There’s so much I wish I could take back. I—”
She stopped my rambling with her lips, and I was grateful. I didn’t want to open any more scars and insecurities. That wasn’t the point of tonight. I’d wanted to tell her the truth. I’d wanted to tell her how much I loved her. And I had. I’d confessed all my sins, and with Kiera, I had no more left to share.
Denny, however, was another matter.
About the Author
S.C. Stephens is a New York Times #1 bestselling author who spends her every free moment creating stories that are packed with emotion and heavy on romance. In addition to writing, she enjoys spending lazy afternoons in the sun reading, listening to music, watching movies, and spending time with her friends and family. She lives in Washington State with her two children.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Welcome
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Chapter 1: All in a Day’s Work
Chapter 2: An Unexpected Request
Chapter 3: Glad You’re Back
Chapter 4: Burned Out
Chapter 5: Roommates and D-Bags
Chapter 6: I’m Here for You
Chapter 7: Promise Made, Promise Almost Kept
Chapter 8: Cuddling
Chapter 9: Cure for Heartache
Chapter 10: Too Late
Chapter 11: Holding On to Anger
Chapter 12: Mates’ Night Out
Chapter 13: Stay or Go?
Chapter 14: Addicted
Chapter 15: Heaven and Hell
Chapter 16: My Girl
Chapter 17: Sleeping with a Beautiful Woman
Chapter 18: I’m Not Yours
Chapter 19: Jealousy
Chapter 20: Double Date from Hell
Chapter 21: Avoidance
Chapter 22: I Only Wanted to Help You
Chapter 23: Fantasy Is Better Than Nothing
Chapter 24: Bring On the Pain
Chapter 25: You’re Mine, I’m Yours
Chapter 26: Here’s My Heart
Chapter 27: Preparing for Reality
Chapter 28: Making Love
Chapter 29: An Inappropriate Goodbye
Chapter 30: How to Hurt Someone
Chapter 31: Just End My Pain Already
C
hapter 32: Permanent
Chapter 33: Missing You
Chapter 34: Emotional Release
Chapter 35: Dating
Bonus Material
About the Author
Copyright
Published by Sphere in 2015
ISBN: 978-0-7515-6044-2
All characters and events in this publication, other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Copyright © S.C. Stephens 2015
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
Sphere
Little, Brown Book Group
100 Victoria Embankment
London, EC4Y 0DY
www.littlebrown.co.uk
www.hachette.co.uk
S. C. Stephens, Thoughtful
(Series: Thoughtless # 1.50)
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