Jade didn’t respond and kept her head down.
‘When was the last time you went to the clinic to have Courtney weighed and checked?’ Rachel asked. ‘You’re supposed to take her every week.’
I stopped myself from saying ‘I thought she was.’ For Jade had been telling me she’d been going to the clinic every Monday afternoon. When she’d returned and I’d asked her how much weight Courtney had gained, she’d given a figure, which I now realized must have been made up.
Jade couldn’t look at either of us but carried on fiddling with Courtney’s jumper.
‘I’d like to see Courtney’s red book, please,’ Rachel said.
‘I haven’t got it,’ Jade said.
‘Can you arrange to get it for me, please?’ Rachel asked.
‘No. I lost it ages ago,’ Jade said, which added to the deceit. Jade had been telling me that the nurse at the clinic had been recording Courtney’s weight and measurements in the red book. I’d trusted Jade and had never thought to ask to see the book.
‘We’ll need to get another red book,’ Rachel said, and taking a sheet of paper from her briefcase she made a note. There was then a short silence as though Rachel was summoning her thoughts and courage to continue. ‘Jade, you and I have spoken previously about your behaviour when you are away from Cathy and outside this house. I understand you’ve been telling Cathy that you’ve been going to your mum’s regularly – sometimes twice a week. But Jackie says she hasn’t seen you for at least a month. However, you have been seen in a gang hanging around the mall, the bowling alley and on the forecourt of the Queen’s Head pub. Those are not suitable places to take a young baby. Do you know a member of the public was so concerned to see a little baby in the care of a group of teenagers who were smoking and drinking that she called the social services? I’m sorry, Jade, but you need to see your behaviour as others see it.’
Rachel paused and Jade’s face crumpled. Without raising her head, Jade wiped away the fresh tears that now fell.
‘I’m sure you didn’t intentionally mean to cause Courtney harm,’ Rachel continued. ‘But some of your behaviour has put Courtney in danger. My job is to protect your baby as well as looking after you. At least twice to my knowledge you have left Courtney in the care of Chelsea’s little sister, who is eleven years old. Do you think that was responsible behaviour, Jade?’
Jade didn’t look up or say anything, but I could tell from her anguished expression she understood what Rachel was saying and bitterly regretted her actions.
‘There are other issues too,’ Rachel said. ‘Managing a budget is as an important part of parenting as making sure your baby is fed and warm. Jade, in addition to the money Cathy gives you from the fostering allowance, you are in receipt of benefit. You were also given a maternity grant of four hundred pounds, which was supposed to buy essential items for Courtney like a pram and cot. But I understand you are still using Cathy’s baby equipment. Where is that money, Jade?’
There was a silence before Jade said: ‘I haven’t got it.’
‘Where is it?’ Rachel asked.
‘I’ve spent it.’
‘On what?’
There was another pause before Jade said quietly: ‘A new phone and other stuff.’
‘Oh, Jade,’ I sighed, as Rachel wrote.
‘And Courtney was supposed to sleep in a new phone, was she?’ Rachel asked without any trace of humour.
Jade shook her head and more tears silently fell.
‘You’re in receipt of benefit now,’ Rachel continued. ‘That money is to buy food and clothing for you and Courtney, as well as nappies, creams and so on. But I understand Cathy still buys these things in her weekly supermarket shop.’ Rachel looked at Jade for a response but she kept her head down and shrugged.
‘What are you doing with all that money?’ Rachel asked.
‘I don’t know,’ Jade said gloomily. ‘It just goes.’
‘On cigarettes and drink?’ Rachel asked.
Jade shrugged.
It was now obvious to Jade, as it was to me, that her behaviour had fallen a long way short of what was required to take care of and protect her baby. I knew Jade loved Courtney but I was having to accept, painful though it was, that her love alone was not enough for Jade to be allowed to keep Courtney. I’d fostered children before whose parents loved them but for various reasons couldn’t look after them. It‘s always dreadfully sad when a child cannot live with their natural parents, but sometimes there is no alternative and adoption is in the best long-term interest of the child. Whether the parents ever recovered from losing their child I didn’t know, but I doubted it.
As Rachel finished talking the room had fallen silent except for Courtney’s occasional chuntering. I braced myself for what Rachel was going to say next. Jade must have anticipated it too, for, hugging Courtney protectively to her, she looked up at Rachel and begged: ‘I’ll do anything, but please don’t take my baby.’
I saw Rachel’s bottom lip tremble and she paused to compose herself before replying. ‘I’m not taking your baby now, Jade. There is a professionals meeting on Monday and they will make a decision on what is best for Courtney then.’
Jade’s brow creased in pain and I swallowed hard. ‘Will you tell the professionals that I’ve changed?’ Jade pleaded. ‘Tell them I know what I’ve done wrong and I’m very sorry. I promise it won’t happen again. Tell them I love Courtney. Please tell them. If they give me another chance I’ll be the best mother ever. But don’t let them take my baby. Please.’
I felt my eyes brim. Rachel was struggling to contain her emotion too. ‘I’ll tell them,’ she said quietly, her voice unsteady. ‘I promise I will.’
Looking down, Rachel slipped the paper she’d been writing on into her briefcase, and it was a moment before she could look up again. I looked at Jade, who was holding Courtney very close and gently rocking her back and forth, as much for her own comfort as for her baby’s.
‘Do you have any questions?’ Rachel asked after a moment.
Jade shook her head. ‘Just tell them I love my baby, and I’ll look after her.’
Rachel nodded and then stood. ‘Goodbye then, Jade,’ she said. ‘I’ll see you again on Tuesday.’ Then to me: ‘Is ten o’clock on Tuesday all right?’
‘Yes,’ I said.
I saw Rachel to the front. She paused with her hand on the door before going out. ‘Look after them both,’ she said. ‘Sometimes I hate my job.’
I had little doubt that once in her car she would cry, for what could be worse for a social worker than to have to permanently separate a mother from her baby?
I returned down the hall. I really didn’t want to go into the sitting room and face Jade. My usual optimism had gone and I couldn’t think of a single word that would offer her some comfort or support. There was nothing I could say that would ease her pain and I was acutely aware that we had five agonizing days until Tuesday, when Rachel would return to take Courtney.
In the sitting room I looked at Jade. She was on the sofa, still holding Courtney very close and gently rocking her. ‘Do you want a drink of water or anything?’ I asked quietly.
‘No,’ she said, and fresh tears fell.
I went over and sat beside her. I put my arms around her shoulders and gently hugged her. Courtney was now growing restless and I thought we needed to continue with her usual routine.
‘Courtney usually has a nap now,’ I said to Jade. ‘Do you want to settle her in her cot?’
Jade nodded and without saying anything stood and carried Courtney out of the room. I heard her footsteps on the stairs and then go round the landing and into her bedroom. When she hadn’t returned downstairs fifteen minutes later I went up to her room. Her bedroom door was closed and I knocked lightly. There was no reply. I knocked again and then opened the door.
Courtney was asleep in her cot and Jade was lying on her bed, watching her. ‘Are you all right?’ I asked quietly, taking a couple of steps into the room.
> Jade gave a small nod.
‘Are you coming downstairs now?’
‘No. I want to stay with Courtney.’
‘All right, love. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.’
I came out and quietly closed the door. I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing in leaving Jade lying there, watching Courtney, but I didn’t have any other suggestions, and I could appreciate why she wanted to be with Courtney and make the most of every minute she had left with her.
Jill phoned as promised during the afternoon. ‘How are you?’ she asked. ‘Rachel said it was a difficult meeting.’
‘Yes, it was,’ I agreed. ‘Very difficult.’
‘Where’s Jade now?’
‘In her bedroom, watching Courtney sleep.’
‘Keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn’t do anything silly.’ From which I assumed Jill meant running away or trying to harm herself.
‘I will,’ I said.
‘And Cathy, Rachel forgot to tell Jade that she’ll need to make a statement to the police about the shoplifting incident. Could you tell her, please? And that Rachel will arrange to go with her to the police station later next week or the following week.’
‘All right,’ I said, feeling that Jade really didn’t need this on top of everything else right now. ‘Did Rachel say anything else to you that she didn’t tell us?’
‘No. Just about having to make a statement.’
‘So am I right in thinking that Rachel will definitely take Courtney on Tuesday?’ I asked. ‘She told me she had baby carers on standby.’
Jill paused before she replied: ‘Yes, that’s the plan. Cathy, I know how much this is hurting you, but some of Jade’s behaviour has been so unsafe it has put Courtney at risk of harm. Many social workers would have made the decision to remove Courtney before this. Rachel has given Jade extra chances.’
‘I know, I understand,’ I said. ‘Tyler asked me if I could adopt Courtney, but that isn’t a possibility, is it?’
‘No,’ Jill said kindly. ‘But the social services will find Courtney a family as loving as yours is to adopt her.’ Which was supposed to cheer me up but didn’t.
Jill finished by reminding me to call the agency if I needed any help or advice tomorrow or over the weekend.
‘I will,’ I said. We said goodbye and I replaced the handset.
The weekend loomed and I was dreading it.
Jade stayed in her room until Courtney woke and then she changed her and brought her downstairs. She sat on the sofa for most of the afternoon, deep in thought and holding her baby close. A couple of times I asked her if she was all right, which was a daft question, but I didn’t know what else to say. She said she was, but clearly she wasn’t, and we both concentrated on Courtney. But being with Courtney was bittersweet now we were aware it would be short-lived. All her charming little ways, which previously had been so endearing and made you love her even more, now seemed a torturous reminder of what we would be missing in the future. In some ways it would have been better if Rachel had taken Courtney with her that morning, to get it over and done with.
When it was time for me to collect Paula from school I asked Jade if she would like to come but she didn’t want to. I was reluctant to leave Jade alone with Courtney in case she did something desperate like snatching her, but I couldn’t force Jade to come with me. I waited until the last possible minute to leave the house and I took the car to school instead of walking. I was home again fifteen minutes later and to my relief Jade was where I’d left her: in the sitting room with Courtney on her lap.
Paula was pleased to see Jade, as in the past she’d often been out when Paula had arrived home from school, and Thursday had been one of the days Jade had supposedly visited her mother. However, Paula soon realized that Jade wasn’t her usual chatty self and left her alone and went off to amuse herself. Indeed Jade hardly said a word to anyone. Dinner was another gloomy meal as it had been the evening before and I was pleased when we’d finished and I could clear away the dishes. I then helped Adrian with his homework and Paula with her reading, which redirected my attention, for a while at least, away from Jade and Courtney and the huge dark cloud that hung over us and seemed to be growing denser by the hour.
I encouraged Jade to continue with Courtney’s normal routine and Jade gave her a bath at 7.00 p.m. and then settled her in her cot for the night. Jade then stayed in her bedroom watching Courtney sleep despite my suggestion that she should come down and watch television to take her mind off things. I knew that Rachel was visiting Tyler during the evening, and later I asked Jade if she’d heard from him, but she said she hadn’t. I checked on Jade and Courtney a couple of times during the evening and then again after Adrian and Paula had gone to bed. Jade had changed into her nightwear and was in bed, propped on her side watching Courtney sleep. I asked her again if she was all right and she nodded, so I told her to call me if she needed anything and I came out. There was nothing I could say or do to help her.
Before I went to bed I wrote up my log notes, stating that Rachel had visited, what she’d told Jade and how she’d been during the evening. It was only a few lines because Rachel would write a lengthier report for the social services file, and to be honest I was fed up with writing my log. Indeed I was fed up generally. I felt a failure as a foster carer and had begun to torment myself with the thought that Jade’s situation was my fault and that if I’d done things differently she wouldn’t have got herself into trouble and might have been able to keep her baby. But what I could or should have done differently, other than not help Jade as much as I had, escaped me. I’d acted in good faith and had done my best for Jade and Courtney just as I did for all the children I fostered.
I was having a shower at 10.30 before going to bed when I heard Jade go downstairs for Courtney’s night bottle. When I finished showering I went into her room to check she and Courtney were all right. Courtney had finished her bottle and was in her cot, going off to sleep; Jade was lying on her side in bed and watching her.
‘I’ve had a text from Ty,’ she said, glancing up at me and looking a little brighter. ‘He’s not going to play pool with his mates tomorrow – Friday. He’s coming to see me.’
‘Good,’ I said. ‘That’ll be nice.’
‘And, Cathy,’ Jade continued, now almost smiling, ‘guess what? Ty’s asking his mum if she can adopt Courtney. So we’ll still be able to see her whenever we want.’
I didn’t want to dampen Jade’s spirits but I had to be realistic. ‘Jade, you understand that if Tyler’s mother feels she can adopt Courtney her application will have to be considered by the social services? She’ll be assessed to see if she is suitable, just as other applicants are.’
‘But she hasn’t got a police record,’ Jade said defensively.
‘I know, but there are other factors the social services will want to consider.’
‘Like what?’ Jade said, disgruntled by my realism.
‘Her age, for example, and her home. How she will support the baby. Who will look after the baby while she is at work. It’s a long process to adopt, love, and it takes time. Has she seen Courtney yet?’
‘Yeah. Once.’
‘All right. Let’s wait and see what she says,’ I said. For while I thought the social services would consider Tyler’s mother’s application, I’d no idea if her situation would meet the strict criteria for adoption, or even if she wanted to adopt and take on the life-changing responsibility a new baby would bring.
‘I feel a bit happier,’ Jade said.
‘Good.’
I didn’t sleep well that night and I was awake when Jade got up at 6.00 a.m. to give Courtney her early-morning bottle. I would normally have been relieved it was Friday and nearly the weekend, but not this Friday. The weekend seemed a huge hurdle to overcome before the professionals meeting on Monday, when a decision would be made on Courtney’s future. Jade joined us for breakfast and made a big effort to talk to Adrian and Paula. When I returned from taking
Paula to school she had a cup of coffee waiting for me, and for the rest of the day she was a model parent and foster daughter: tending to Courtney’s every need, and even clearing up after herself in the bathroom and the kitchen. She was also a lot brighter and I knew that was because of the good news she hoped Tyler would bring with him that evening in respect of his mother wanting to adopt Courtney.
However, shortly after 6.30 p.m. Jade shouted distraughtly from the landing:
‘She won’t have her! Her own granddaughter and she won’t help us!’
I stopped what I was doing and rushed upstairs.
Chapter Twenty
Prolonging the Agony
Jade was face down on her bed, her phone in her hand, and sobbing loudly. ‘I hate her!’ she cried, referring to Tyler’s mother. ‘She’s never liked me. I bet she’s pleased I’m losing Courtney.’
I sat on the bed beside Jade and rested my hand reassuringly on her shoulder. Courtney was in her cot watching her mother, her eyes rounded with apprehension at Jade’s crying.
‘I’m sure Tyler’s mother does like you,’ I said. ‘But adopting a baby is a huge commitment, especially when your own children are grown up. Not everyone wants to start all over again with sleepless nights, nappies and bottles.’
‘You do!’ Jade sobbed.
‘Yes, but I’m odd,’ I said.
My small stab at humour helped a little. Jade stopped sobbing and raised her tear-stained face. ‘Oh, Cathy, what am I going to do? I don’t want to lose Courtney. I love her.’
‘I know you do, love.’
She sat up in bed and slipped her arms around my waist and hugged me tightly. It was the first proper cuddle we’d had. I felt sad that it had taken this tragedy to finally bring us together. I held her close and stroked her hair until her tears subsided.
Then I gently asked: ‘Jade, do you think I could have helped you more – for example, by being firmer? I did what I thought was right but now I’m not sure.’
Jade gave a small shrug, and without raising her head from my shoulder or moving her arms away from hugging me, she said: ‘Na. I didn’t listen to me mum, so I wasn’t going to listen to you.’ Which, while easing my conscience a little, did nothing to help Jade’s situation.