I exhaled from deep within my charred soul as I finally reached the town of Sedro-Woolly where I turned onto highway twenty, heading east into the North Cascades. The small town of Sedro-Woolly was far north, close to Canada and the San Juan islands and just far enough from Seattle to leave it all behind. The town was the gateway to my future, and a new life.
As I headed into the wilderness, the trees that edged the roadside seemed to welcome my presence as the branches swayed in the light wind. The air seemed magical, and I saw the glimmer of bugs flying between thick rays of light like fairies in the trees. With my windows opened, the gentle clamoring of water casually whispered in my ear as I passed spring after spring, cascading down the granite rocks and into the roadside reservoirs.
The mountains closed in around me like a blanket, casting deep shadows on the road, but not the same depressing shadows I had grown up around in the city. These shadows revealed a whole other world beyond the dirty streets and sadness, a world of soulful life. For the first time, I felt a soft warmth flicker in my charred soul and I gasped, the feeling ripping the breath from my lungs.
Rounding the corner with caution, the trees parted in a dramatic wave and the sun poured into the car. The river that had followed the road burst open into a large lake that was choked back by a small dam. The water sparkled cleaner than I’d ever seen in Puget Sound and the glimmer made my eyes water. The air that poured into the car was crisp and moist from the glacial waters and I breathed deep, allowing it to heal my polluted lungs.
I stared in disbelief, wondering how I’d let this whole world hide from me for so long. As I followed the lake, I kept glancing toward it, feeling that it would disappear as fast as it had come. I blinked hard a few times, my mind wondering if this was just a twisted dream, a taunting memory set up to cause even more pain.
Like a meandering stream, the road wound to the right and I crossed over the lake on a delicate bridge. I felt a rush of something cold enter my body as though the water were pulsing through me, becoming a part of my blood and filling every vein. I allowed the feeling to control my thoughts, and I imagined a tidal wave washing through my scarred mind, cooling each itching gash.
With a sudden pulse, just when I thought I couldn’t have seen anything any more gorgeous, the lake further expanded and an even larger dam loomed before me, grand in its amazing power. I took in the complex construction and it amazed me to believe that as a human race, we could create something so powerful. I could see the college now, nestled into the hillside on the other side of the dam, I was almost there, almost free.
As I turned from the main road toward the complex, I slowed as my car rolled onto the cobblestone blocks. The gentle vibration was calming as the cobbles shuddered under my weight. The college had utilized this dam as the crossing to the school and a part of me felt like it was a bridge to my fairytale castle.
To my left was the drop to the lake that I had drove along on my way up and as I peered over the ledge, my head felt the gripping vertigo as my eyes focused on the rocks below. To my right, the water brimmed against the wall, swirling in its attempt to escape, the churning water anxious and foamy. The lake itself was a milky crystal blue and sharp rocky peaks surrounded it as they reached into the even bluer sky. The unique coloration was unbelievable and I recognized it to be Diablo Lake, where the College sat along the waters ledge.
As I neared the other side of the bridge, I noticed a gorged waterfall drop like a graceful veil from a far peak and into the lake on its final decent. Its raw power humbled me as I watched in silence as it misted the air around it, rainbows flashing in its wake. As the wild wind whipped toward me across the water, I noticed a sort of untamed beauty that felt so normal to me.
I closed my eyes and held my breath as I saw the gust of wind tickle the small waves of the lake on its approach toward me. As it finally fell through the window of my car, I found it to be wet and cool as it wrapped through my long hair, beckoning it to dance. My body shivered from the cooling touch and my arms erupted with sudden goose bumps.
When I reached the other side of the bridge I released my breath, my body heavy and grounded as my car rolled onto the gravel drive, the water no longer flowing below me like a force of energy greater then I could control. I circled Diablo Lake and just a few hundred feet farther east, the road became even rougher as my tires struggled to find their grip. I drove with caution up the hill toward the front of the small cluster of buildings, my curious mind now beginning to rumble.
An anonymous donor had created the Cascades College a few years back. Its purpose was to provide a Masters in Environmental Studies through hands on experience and practice. There were also primary classes but mainly it was a place to get your hands dirty and experience the real world, in its truest sense.
When I had learned about the College I had remembered that it was the first time I’d felt my heart truly beat. Something about its design, location, and description felt more like home than anywhere I had ever been. I needed to be close to the earth, close to the place where life began.
I was never the nature lover type, but my choice to come here had been purely selfish. Ever since I could remember, I possessed a strange talent for growing plants, a green thumb if you may. But my talent did not simply involve using the right fertilizers, and making sure to water. My talents seemed to involve something much more magical and indescribable, something I was here to figure out.
I turned my car off with a heavy sigh as I sat in front of the main learning center, the large ‘Welcome’ sign looming over me. I felt the flicker beat again in my heart and it again ripped the breath from my lungs. Taking in the small modern buildings, I began to wonder if this was still just a dream, just a figment left by my heavily sedated mind.
A tall thin red headed man seemed startled by my abrupt arrival as he jumped from a bench by the office doors and ran toward my parked car with a smile plastered across his face. He couldn’t have been much older than I, but instantly seemed to act years younger. He was bounding down the hill, his legs becoming perilously tangled as he tripped with inherent clumsiness, regaining his composure in an embarrassed but well rehearsed manner before continuing toward me. He was wearing a green plaid short-sleeved shirt and your run-of-the-mill pair of hiking shorts and Columbia boots.
He breathed hard as he placed both of his hands on the window and knelt down to my eye level, locking his gaze on mine. “New arrival?” he asked, his voice full of carefree delight.
I looked at him with nervous eyes as fear gripped my stomach. “Yes,” I managed to squeak.
His eyes were a light blue like mine but full of life and happiness. “Great,” he paused, sticking his hand out toward me through my window, “I’m Scott.”
I stared at his hand for a moment, allowing my shock to subside to comprehension. Finally, I deduced that Scott was harmless and I grabbed his hand between two fingers and gave it a soft shake.
Scott yanked it back just as quickly as he had thrust it forward, unfazed by my reluctant personality, “Well, it sure is great to meet you. Would you like some help with your things?”
He opened my car door and I cringed as it shuddered and scraped, rust falling to the ground. “Um…” I was processing the information as quick as I could, “Sure. That would be great.” I pulled myself out of the seat. “Thanks,” I added, smiling as well as I could.
He stood there with his hands on his hips, looking like a dog ready to be thrown a bone. “So what’s your name?” As soon as I was out of the way he jumped forward, lunging into my backseat and loading his pale scrawny arms with my three somewhat small bags, the makings of my whole life.
“I uh…” I stuttered as I grabbed my throat, begging it to stop. “My name is Estella.” I finally managed to gather my thoughts as the time caught up around me. My medications always caused me to think slow, like fighting a fog of information that was always clouding my reflexes.
“Alright Estella,” he grabbed a sheet from his pocket,
maneuvering his full arms and struggling to bring it to his face, “Looks like you got your own cabin.” His eyes got wide with excitement as though the cabin was his own.
I nodded in agreement. I had worked a few extra shifts at the fish counter of the Market to make that possible. I wasn’t about to bunk up in a group dormitory again, not like I had for a good bulk of my life at the orphanage.
“Well then,” he smiled with a sweet glow as he urged me forward, “Follow me.”
“Thanks,” I grabbed my shoulder bag from the passenger seat and rushed to keep up.
“So, Estella…”
“Oh you can call me Elle,” I quickly corrected him.
He looked back at me as I followed behind him, “Ok then Elle, what brings you here?”
I looked at him sideways, what else would I be here for? “For the Master’s course,” I said ruefully.
“Oh really!” he looked back at me again, this time analyzing my face more closely. “Aren’t you a bit young for a Masters?”
I shrugged, watching my feet as they struggled to stay on pace, nerves again gathering in my stomach. “I got my degree while I was young.”
“Really?” he sounded shocked.
“Well,” I felt embarrassed and my cheeks began to flush, “It’s just that, it came so naturally.” I paused, breathing hard as we passed under a large pine that left a thick bed of needles on the ground, “It wasn’t very difficult for me. I had a lot of time on my hands.”
The fact that I never had friends made me result to anything that could pass my time and mostly that was homework and studying. I was a first class nerd and social reject. Even when I did try to make friends, my awkward existence eventually scared them off. I knew that at some point, Scott would come to learn this as well.
His eyes smiled at me, “Then I am impressed. I’m in that program too, but I’m not quite as young as you, I’m twenty-one. I kept pretty much on pace with things through High School.” He watched me with curiosity, “I suppose we’ll have the same classes. There aren’t many people here.”
I nodded, thinking about the fact that that was how I’d wanted it, quiet and secluded. As we rounded the path, I finally spotted a small cabin perched on the hill.
“So, that will be yours,” he announced. We approached fast, climbing onto the porch as our boots echoed beneath us. He threw down a bag to open the door and I noticed there was no lock. “I will just set your bags here in the corner. Does that work?”
I nodded again, “Yeah, thanks Scott.”
He thrust his hand toward me again, still the same energetic spark to his face, “Well, good to meet you Elle.” He still didn’t seem fazed by my standoffish behavior. “I guess I will see you tomorrow in class?”
I shook his hand and tried to give him another smile, though I was never able to succeed in getting the happy notion across. “Yeah, I guess I will. Thanks again.”
I shut the door behind him as he bounded down the hill with the same awkward lumber as before. As I looked around the small square cabin I was pleased to see there was a lot more then I’d first imagined. I had my own bathroom, small shower, and a tiny kitchenette with a small fridge. My bed was a full size, bigger than I’d ever had and I began to feel somewhat spoiled.
I reached in my bag and grabbed out the thick envelope Heidi had given me and I slid it in the crack where the fridge met the cabinet, thinking I’d save it for an emergency. I circled the inside perimeter of the cabin, placing one foot before the other, inspecting every square inch of my investment and opening the blinds as I went so to let the light in.
After deciding everything was in order, I sat on my bed and pulled one of my bags toward me. From inside I grabbed out a small stack of moleskin journals and placed them on the shelf above my bed. I had began documenting my life the day I was able to write, it soothed me to be able to get it out, keep my soul open for happiness to come in, though it never did.
Deep in the bag, I found the framed note from my real mother. It was the only thing I had from her. The beautiful script and rough edges played at my emotions and every day I read it in anticipation,
Estella,
You are beautiful, and it pains me to leave but some day you will find the beauty you seek living inside your darkest soul. You are safe now.
The poetic words puzzled and saddened me. I had searched for her when I was younger but found nothing about her or where she’d gone or even if she was dead or alive, and my soul remained black.
Placing it on the wood side table, I glanced back to my bag where I reached in and pulled a small tattered brown box from its depths, treating it with extreme care and delicacy. Opening it as though something may fall out, I retrieved a small pot containing a petite purple plant that was sleeping inside. Grasping it with two hands, I set the Purple Clover on the sill and touched its butterfly leaves as it reacted to the light and stretched its petals toward the sun like an opening umbrella. I had decided to take just one tubular with me from my vast garden in Seattle, just one child to start a new life with.
After unpacking the few clothes I’d had, and leaving some in the bag out of laziness, I finally laid on my bed, letting my platinum hair fan out around me. After a moment of silence, I pulled myself back up where I reached in my bag, grabbed my book, and leaned back into my pillow where I began to read as the darkness of the night crept in around the cabin. Soon, only the small light of the single lamp shown across the lonesome room, the sharp contrasts eerie against the walls of the unfamiliar place.
The hours had passed faster than I’d expected as I glanced away from the page to the windows. The blackness there was infinite and my heart began to race as I allowed the world of my book to fall away from me. I pulled my head off the pillow and sat up, throwing my legs to the floor where I stood. As I approached the cool pane I was shocked to see only a few faint lights glimmer from the compound that surrounded me. I had never seen or felt something like it in my life, darkness and quiet, all at once. I leaned toward my lamp and switched it off, allowing the lights outside to magnify.
I crept to my door where I placed my hand on the cool brass handle and opened the door, walking in slow quiet steps onto the small deck, not wanting to disturb nature’s slumber. I clenched my eyes shut as tight as I could as I tilted my head to the sky, allowing myself the suspense of what I would surely find there. As I opened them, I gasped as the tiny diamonds that littered the sky sparkled greater then I’d ever seen and in far vaster numbers than I could imagine.
I had read about the stars, seen images and studied their matter but never would I have expected the expanse that welcomed me now. The city lights of Seattle and the almost constant thick shroud of clouds made star watching nonexistent.
My body was full of sudden weight and I began to feel dizzy as the strength from the star’s mass caused my heart to race. A light breeze whipped around my cabin, twisting my hair around my shoulders and it felt like the breath of God. I could smell the pines and the sage tickle my nose and a feeling I had never felt crept through my limbs.
For a moment I couldn’t help but feel I may at last smile, but the wind subsided and my dark soul remained empty. As the stars twinkled ever stronger, I realized I was getting close. There was something out here I needed to see, something I was meant to do, but what that was, for now, would continue to elude me.
FEAR
The sun streamed through the blinds as I woke to the quiet. My restless sleep left me groggy and clouded as I reached in the bedside table for my medication. Putting one hand to my head as it began to ache, I felt suddenly nauseated. I hadn’t expected the dead silence of the night when I was so used to the rumble of the city. Eventually, I knew I would grow to love it, but the transition period was a little rocky.
I urged my lethargic body to sit up as I scanned the cabin, realizing nothing had changed from the night before. I threw one pill in my mouth in one mechanical movement and forced it down my dry throat. Rubbing my eyes, the cloudiness began to fad
e and I was finally able to throw myself out from under the covers and place my feet on the cold wood floor where I worked to gain my balance.
Staggering to the bathroom as I grabbed a ruffled pile of clothes, I closed myself within and splashed a handful of cool water on my face. Outside the small window, the chirping of birds was deafening but sweet and I stood on my toes to peer through the dusty glass. Down the hill I spotted the cafeteria building and my stomach rumbled at the thought of food. I hadn’t eaten dinner due to my dumbfounded amazement with the night sky and I knew that it would be best to at least attempt a piece of toast.
As I slid on my jeans, struggling to force my tired legs through each pant leg, a sudden sharp knocking rapped against the front door of the cabin. I jumped in fear, my body going rigid with shock. I looked around as I scanned the mess I had made unpacking; half hoping I had just imagined the sound. To my regret, there was another sharp knock, this time even louder and more obnoxious. I dove to the floor where I threw my shirt over my head, catching the hem on my ears as I ripped it on and stumbled through the bathroom door, nearly crawling my way to the front door.
I grabbed the handle for balance as I flew it open, the sudden burst of light blinding me. I struggled to focus my eyes, shielding them with my hand as my gaze finally landed on my visitor. I wasn’t surprised to see Scott standing like an awkward idiot before me, smiling in the same eccentric fashion he had yesterday.
“Well hey there Elle.” He paused as he looked at my rumpled clothing, “I didn’t wake you did I?”