A deep exhale escaped his lips as his hands worked at the strings, tightening them each with a soft and forceful tug, the whole time remaining unspoken. When he reached the top, I felt him tie a perfect bow. I was breathing in measured increments as he twisted his hands into my hair, grasping it and gently pushing it aside as it cascaded down my chest. I tilted my head to the side as he leaned toward me. His lips parted as he kissed me at the base of my neck and his hands grazed down my arms.
With a shaky exhale, he stepped away and I opened my eyes where I looked at myself in the mirror. An image flashed across my mind, one of happiness. In the memory, I was wearing this dress but the look of my eyes and skin were different, unreal.
“You look beautiful Elle,” his silhouette was reflected next to mine in the mirror and I watched his eyes with intensity, wondering what came next.
The dress was exquisite, fitting me as though it had been tailored only for me. There were Tahitian blue pearls lining the hem and deep blue opals sewn down the bodice, and I instantly recognized why he’d picked this particular gown as the gems complimented his eyes, and mine. The overall weight of the fabric was exhausting, but I wasn’t about to take it off either.
I had never been the type to go to school proms, finding them childish and strange, let along the fact that I’d never been invited. My mind had always rebelled against anything that was group related, anything that reminded me of the fact I didn’t belong. In my journals however, it had seemed as though I was the center of attention, and the rock amongst many in my previous life. It was hard to fathom this other being, a strong and confident woman, not the scared child I saw today.
Edgar reached into his pocket and slowly drew out a matching string of blue pearls from within. He laced his hands around my neck as he softly draped his fingers across my collarbones.
My heart melted and I turned to face him. He smiled once before taking my hand and pulling me toward him as the heavy silk grazed the floor and I stood on my toes, barefoot. He led me downstairs, one hand behind his back as his other cradled mine. As we descended the stairs I felt like royalty and the fact of time fell away. He rounded me into the front entry as the cold granite chilled my feet. He stepped toward me with one strong measured step and like a forgotten instinct, my feet moved as though controlled by a puppeteer. His firm grip guided me, twirling my frame as my dress flew out around me.
I laughed as music began to play and I gave him a corny face, “Where is that coming from?” I asked, somewhat surprised.
He laughed, lifting one eyebrow, “The CD player.”
I giggled as he pulled me toward him and rested one hand on the small of my back, the other still cradling my grasp, “So you don’t believe in light bulbs, you do believe in cars, you don’t have a TV, but you have a CD player?”
He nodded with a frank look on his face, “CD’s don’t take up as much space as a piano.” His smirk was priceless.
I snickered, his eyes a deep blue and the clouds behind them moving in slow waves, “I want to stay here forever.” I looked at him, and this time it was me who leaned toward him, standing on my toes to kiss him.
A deep exhale left his lips as I rested back. “I want you to stay also,” his eyes were sad. “I will never let us part again. Life without you is too painful, it’s not worth living.” He pressed his lips to my forehead as we slowly spun, “I realize now that I had no clue how I did it for so long.”
He twirled me away, pulling me back and cradling my head with his hand as he dipped me down, slowly pulling me back.
We danced in silence and I remembered every step like it was something I’d done all my life. He held me close as his scent fell around me, intoxicating in its exquisite subtle fumes. Closing my eyes, I felt our bodies fusing into one and it was there that I found the comfort I’d longed for all my life. It wasn’t just happiness I had been missing, but also love.
As the evening came to an end the music ceased and he gave me an eloquent bow. I giggled lightly, my head spinning and my limbs tired.
“Are you ready for bed?” His eyes were thoughtful, yet strong.
I nodded as he led me to the stairs.
Entering my room, Edgar delicately helped untie my dress, giving me privacy as I fought it off. I hung it in my closet with heft; the weight of the fabric now taxing my arms. Feeling the cold breeze of the house, I quickly grabbed my nightgown from the pile of clothes on the floor and pulled it over my head as my teeth chattered.
When I emerged, Edgar was once again slouched in the chair by my bed. He had stacked the journals on the side table and pulled back the layers of velvet and down for me. Shaking, I ran to its welcoming warmth.
I crawled in and turned to look at him as he smiled. I flipped away to face the other direction as I thought about the day’s events and the many things I had come to understand about my past. I froze as I heard Edgar slowly stand from the chair, worried he would leave until I heard the distinct rustling of wool as he removed his coat. I carefully listened as he draped it over the chair and removed his shoes. Slowly, the comforter lifted and I felt him slide in. I shuffled over to give him space as his breathing settled behind me.
He brought his lips to my ear, gently grazing it as he kept his body at a safe distance, “I love you,” he whispered into my ear.
I inhaled one delicate breath, “I love you too.” The words were thick on my tongue and my throat was choked with emotion.
He nestled his nose into my hair and my soul warmed to a smoldering burn. Though he wasn’t touching me, having him close was comforting and intimate. As I began to fall asleep, I thought about Scott and Sarah. Their love was so simple and easy, but at the same moment I thought about Edgar’s outlook on life. He resented normalcy and instead relished the simple elegance of challenge and the element of forbidden love. I knew that what we had, what we felt, was so much more than their love. It was enduring and intoxicating to know that one truly could not live without the other.
THE BEGINNING
In the morning I woke alone, the acute feeling of danger and fear close at mind. My head was clouded and my mouth felt numb. I sat up with sudden terror ripping through my heart as I looked around the room for Edgar, but the sheets where he had laid were already empty and cold.
Rushing from the bed, I grabbed my robe as I noticed Isabelle at the window, her feathers fluffed and her angry eyes darting across the field. My heart pounded in my chest as I turned and ran out the double doors, my feet sliding on the stairs as I flew down. As I landed on the foyer floor, I glanced out the front windows and halted as sudden terror seized me. Frozen by what I’d seen, I lifted my hand to my mouth, stifling a scream.
My eyes were fixed on the meadow where a single matte black raven was standing like a statue, the wind grabbing at its feathers but its body still as stone. There was a sudden movement in the front hall to my left and I jumped, my eyes darting toward the dark corner. My gaze met Edgar’s and my heart leapt in fear as they blazed a deep black. He walked toward me with a look I hadn’t seen since that first day, his jaw angrily fixed and his fists taut at his sides.
“Edgar, what is it?” My body was shaking with anxiety.
His face was solemn, “It’s another spy. Matthew knows you’re back, he must, I’ve never seen more than one a year.”
My breathing was fast, “But how? How does he know we’re here?”
Edgar arrived close at my side, but still distanced in his vulnerable state, his face cold and unchanged, “He can feel us.” He exhaled as a low growl escaped his throat, “I feared this Elle, but there was no way to know until now.” His voice sounded distant and sharp. “His senses are far stronger than I’d expected and I can feel him now too, he’s gaining strength.”
I breathed through my nose, finding it was hot and humid as it landed across my lips.
“It’s only a matter of time,” dread winced in his hissing voice.
I slowly stepped toward him, looking at him with apprehension as I approach
ed. He outstretched his arms and I took it as an invitation, running into his grasp and closing my hands hard against his chest. When I opened my eyes, my mind was struck with horror as I watched three more ravens land in the field, their black wings fanning the snow in waves of misty crystal plumes.
Edgar firmly grasped my arm and dragged me through the hall and into the sitting room. My arm ached where he grabbed me, but I didn’t dare object. “Sit here,” he hissed and I noticed his eyes were still perilously black, “Don’t look out the window Elle, and plug your ears.” His face was homicidal. “I’m sorry about this,” he added in an attempt to revive some sort of human compassion before storming around the corner.
I pulled my knees to my chest as I heard the front door slam. There was a low rumbling as I heard Edgar change into a raven, and for a moment, there was a silence as my breath dragged in my throat and echoed in my head. Like a sudden crash of thunder, there was a shrill screaming of birds and I plugged my ears, terrified by what I knew was happening.
My body shook against the leather of the chair, sweat now beading on my forehead and my mind beginning to feel faint. Chills racked my bones as I imagined my face turning a stark white. This was all my fault, why had I been so dumb, why had I thought that giving him my soul would make this stop? My head ripped open in pain, aching more than it ever had. The voices in my mind were screaming and I found no way to render it relief as they flooded through the rooms of my mind. My voice elevated to a shrill pitch as I sat huddled in the chair, unable to breathe.
As my voice ceased, so did the world around me, like putting a lid on a boiling pot. All I could hear was my muffled breathing and I listened as a door slammed somewhere in the distance. A heavy exhale escaped my trembling lips as I chanted over and over in my head that Edgar was ok.
I heard his heavy footsteps as he rounded the corner into the room where I lifted my head to look at him, noticing the bloodied sweat glistening on his forehead. I quickly struggled to discern if the spatters were his blood or the ravens. Then, as my eyes scanned his body, I noticed the deep scratches gouged into his neck. The fresh wounds oozed thick red blood into his shirt, leaving stains of deep crimson that contrasted with his pearly skin. I struggled to stand as I ran toward him with fogged desperation. I was horrified when he held up one bloodied hand, halting me in my path. My gaze fell to the lifeless lumps hanging from his other hand as blood dripped on the black granite, glimmering under the candlelight like an ebony pool.
“Don’t get their blood on you,” his voice growled, “It will make it easier for them to find you, for him to find you.” His face was cold and hard and his eyes were like vials of black ink.
Terrified, I stepped back as I saw his face suddenly change.
“I think I managed to kill them all, but I can’t be certain, they could be hiding,” his eyes were beginning to calm, “but it’s only a matter of time, we need to be careful.”
I followed him as he walked to the fire that was blazing in the kitchen, sadistic fascination and shock still shaking my bones. He threw the four dead bodies into the hearth without a glimmer of remorse and the flames exploded into a deep purple. I watched as their feathers curled and melted and the smell of rotting wood and curdled milk seeped into the room.
Washing his hands in the sink, I watched them tremble as he reached for a towel. He struggled to wet it as he cleaned his face and neck of blood. He turned off the water and leaned against the sink, water dripping from his open lips. After a moment, he walked toward me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, placing his chin on my head.
I began to sob. “Edgar,” I struggled to form words through the well of tears, “I don’t want this to happen, it’s my fault, I’m so sorry.”
His rough hands pulled me away from him where he looked me in the eyes, his fury burning deep into my core, “Estella, this is not your fault, don’t think that.” His brows were pushed together and deep creases cut into his smooth skin, “Don’t start blaming yourself, you’ve had enough sorrow.”
I gave him an unsatisfied glare, “And so have you, and it’s all because of me!”
He grabbed my face, his hands like steel against by cheek bones. “Stop that,” he snapped and I shook with despair, seeing the fine line on which I was dancing.
He pulled me into him and I leaned against his stone chest, wiping the tears from my cheeks. This was my fault and I refused to be told otherwise. I should have never come here; I should have killed myself as I’d thought to do a thousand times. He had learned to live without me, and now, I was bringing trouble back to him, dragging him into my sadness in my selfish desire to feel something.
I pushed him away, curling my forehead in denial and finding myself unable to look him in the eyes. I glanced back at the flames where only bones now sat atop the fire, the grotesque reality of it making me feel ill. Irrationality swept over me and I turned with a sudden need to get away, taking off toward my room.
“Elle!” Edgar yelled behind me, his voice frantic and scared as though he knew the thoughts that swam in my mind.
As I reached the stairs, the tears had already dried as my soul turned dark and cold, the need to punish myself somehow healing the guilt. I felt my chest in sorrow, grasping it hard and allowing the pain to seep into me. I ran into my room and slammed the doors behind me in a thunderous rage, my chest heaving hard.
I wanted to scream and yell. I wanted nothing more than to rip my body limb from limb. Why had this happened? I never should have come here, I should have let my life take its course, let myself suffer for how much pain I had caused and all the trouble I had brought upon this world, and these lives I’ve lived. I walked to the shelf containing my journals and grabbed the back of the bookcase as I threw it to the ground in my violent wrath. The pages slid across the wood boards and sprawled open like lifeless souls.
My breathing slowed as a sense of calm came over me. All this life, all something I couldn’t remember. It was such a waste. I fell to my knees where the pain was sharp as I hit the floor. The desire to punish myself was now greater than my desire to live but all thought seemed to cease as my body took over, protecting itself from my mind. I knew what I had to do but I still didn’t see how. I was not going to allow us to live in fear. This time, I was going to fight.
There was a knock at the door and I craned my head in shame. I said nothing in reply, my heart torn and my black soul charred too deeply. Edgar knocked again but still I said nothing, just stared at the floor in a complete loss. There was no third knock as Edgar opened the door despite my refusal to allow him entrance. His eyes were looked miserable and his body language was heartbreaking.
He walked up to me like a soundless cloud, kneeling to the floor and wrapping his arms around me as he lifted me into his lap. His hand grazed across my cheek as he pushed my face toward his. His eyes scanned mine with calm before he kissed me, his grip like steel and I couldn’t help but feel calm and safe. He lifted me off the floor and set me in the chair where he knelt before me until his eyes met mine.
“Elle,” his voice sounded shaky, yet calm. “Please, don’t do this.”
I felt the anger in my heart reignite with a sudden crack, I didn’t need his rationalizations and the feeling welled in my throat, “Why? You would have been fine without me. You would have learned to live on.”
I watched him as my spiteful words stung his heart and he bowed his head into my lap. His face was still stained with faint spots of blood and his hair was messed. I felt no remorse for my words, it was all true, and our fate was already sealed.
“Elle, you don’t understand how dark it is, without you I was hopeless and lost.” He lifted his eyes to look at me and I was shocked to see they looked empty and cold. “You are so important to me, so important to everything, you still don’t understand.”
“Then help me understand.” I breathed hard as my arms went limp at my sides.
He tried to comfort me further but I shied away. Irritated, Edgar grabbed me against
my will and held me hard in his stern grasp in an attempt to make his point sink in. I struggled to wriggle away as I felt emotion lace through my head and my fury slowly changed to sadness and a broken heart. He clenched his jaw hard as it moved like stone against my cheek, his strong arms unwilling to let me go.
“Just calm down,” he breathed into my ear, his eloquent voice lulling me into tranquility. “We can beat this, we will.”
I was heaving heavily through my nostrils like a cornered animal.
“Estella,” his voice was firm, “We’re going to be ok, just be calm. We have time until he gains enough strength, until he formulates a plan. Be strong for me, this is only the beginning.”
I looked up at him as he held me, my limbs overwhelmed with emotion as I wrapped my arms around him, grasping him as though he were my life. It was then that I remembered that he was my life, and it was all worth living if living was what I was here to do. I could not waste what little time I had left.
WAITING
For the next few weeks, Edgar held my hand with relentless resolve as my head remained wary, treating every slight movement like a threat. I winced as he adjusted the coals in the fire and I thought of the four lives he’d taken and the four carcasses that now were long gone.
“I’m going to have to forbid you to leave the house,” he finally spoke one afternoon. It was already clear that I wasn’t leaving, but hearing him say it made it seem like a jail. He was becoming impatient with the dismal silent treatment I’d subjected him to but what more did I really have to say? In my anger and hatred for myself I had receded into silence. We sat quietly on the stools in the kitchen as the winter light streamed through the window and onto his face with ominous sadness.