I didn’t realize I was shaking until I reached for a pen and was unable to hold on to it. What little dinner I’d managed to eat was revolting in my stomach.
Rover seemed to sense my anguish, because he stood and placed his chin on my thigh. Absently, I stroked his fur as I battled with the hurt and disappointment. The cell rang and I saw that it was Greg. Talking to him would be too much, so I let the call go to voice mail.
It took several minutes for my nerves to settle. I heard Mark in the kitchen. The faucet ran and then I heard the door to the dishwasher open. I really did need to get that creaking noise looked at. As much as possible, I ignored Mark.
Reaching for my phone, I sent Dana a text message, promising her I’d be at spin class the following afternoon. I might as well become involved in life again. In a few days, as soon as he was strong enough, possibly a week or two, Mark would be gone. I’d put it off too long, made him the center of my world instead of going after my own interests. No more.
With my phone in my hand I pushed the button that would replay Greg’s voice mail.
“Hi, Jo Marie. Just checking in to see how your day is going. I’m just leaving the office now and heading home. I’ve got a smoking-hot date with a frozen entrée and a rerun of NCIS New Orleans.”
I smiled and turned to see Mark framed in the doorway.
“I see he still calls.”
“I haven’t answered the last few times. Just let them go to voice mail.”
“You should tell him not to call again.”
I shrugged. “I probably should.” I hadn’t felt right about it from the first and I needed to put an end to it. I loved Mark. Greg was wonderful, but what I felt for him was a dim reflection of how much I loved Mark.
He looked surprised and turned away.
“Mark,” I said, stopping him. “I’m going back to my regular schedule. I’ve got my spin class and book club and lunch with friends…everything has been on hold the last couple months, but you’re well on your way to recovery now. You don’t need me any longer.”
“I do need you, Jo Marie,” he said, his heart in his eyes. “I need you more than I ever have before.”
I choked down a sob. “No, you don’t.” I was unable to hold back, and pain bled into my eyes.
Seeing how unsettled I was, he came all the way into the office and sat in the chair opposite me. His eyes were dark and intense. We sat so close facing each other. He reached for my hands and I gave them to him.
“I love you, Jo Marie. God help me, I love you.”
“But you’re leaving me again.”
“No.”
“No,” I repeated, certain I’d heard him wrong.
“I love you. It’s tearing me up inside to see you like this. I can’t do this to you. The army will find someone else. Today, when I told Ibrahim I’d decided to stay, he said he would go in my place. What you heard was me arguing with him. I didn’t damn near die so he could become a martyr.”
“You’d decided to stay?”
“Yes. I should have told you sooner. I felt I needed to let the army know first and then tell you, but I can’t let you hang yourself with doubt any longer. I love you. Only you. There is no mistress. No competition. I’ve already served my country.”
All I seemed capable of doing was staring at him with my mouth hanging open. He did love me. He loved me enough to go against everything he held dear.
I cupped his face in my hands and smiled at him. “Thank you.”
He reached for my hand and dragged it to his mouth and kissed the inside of my palm.
“You’re sure about this?”
“I’m sure.”
I could see the hesitation in him. This was killing him and yet he was willing to refuse for me. Because he loved me.
Mark didn’t have a lot to say afterward and for that matter, neither did I. When we turned in for the night, I was surprised how hard it was for me to sleep. My mind kept going over our conversation. I knew how hard this decision was for Mark.
After a nearly sleepless night in which I’d gone over the pros and cons of his decision, I knew I had to talk to Mark. Waiting until he woke was torture. I must have changed my mind a dozen times or more.
He found me pacing the kitchen, sniffling and rubbing my palms together.
“Jo Marie? What’s wrong?”
When I looked his way, I swallowed against the huge lump blocking my throat. Seeing him now, his eyes full of concern and love, I knew I’d made the right decision. I squared my shoulders, sniffled once more, and wrapped my arms around him before I laid my head against his solid chest. “This might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever said, but I think you need to go back to Iraq.”
He blinked and said nothing. “What did you say?”
“I want you to complete the mission.”
All he could do was stare at me. “You don’t mean that?”
There was still time for me to change my mind and I realized I had to do this for him, for the man I loved. The man who loved me.
“If you don’t come back to me, I swear by everything I hold dear I’ll hunt you down in the afterlife and make you suffer.”
He laughed. “You’re putting the fear of God in me, woman.”
“Good.”
He took my hands, holding them by the wrists, and raised them to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“You’ve never been a man to leave matters unfinished. I won’t let you do that now.”
The relief in him was obvious. “It won’t be a repeat of what happened last year, I promise you.”
I didn’t know if that was the truth or if he said it to reassure me. My fear was that if anything had changed it was for the worst, which meant Mark would be in even greater danger. “You don’t know that and it’s fine, Mark. I understand.”
He kissed my fingers again. “As much as possible, as much as I can tell you,” he elaborated, “I can promise you this trip will be different. I should be in and out within a few weeks, a month at the most.”
“You do what you need to do.”
“I can’t lose you, Jo Marie. All I can say is that I can’t imagine living without you. The only reason I survived that bullet and the infection that followed was the thought of marrying you and the two of us raising a family together.”
Biting into my lower lip, I sniffled back the tears. “I think about that, too.”
“Will you marry me, Jo Marie? Will you take a chance on me one last time? I swear to you by all that’s holy this is the last time. I won’t go back into the field again.”
I so badly wanted to believe him.
“I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me, Jo Marie?”
“Are you seriously proposing?” I asked. “When I’m nearly blind with tears and there’s snot running out of my nose. You decide to do it now? Seriously?”
Mark grinned. “Yes, seriously. You’ve never looked more beautiful than you do right this minute.”
“You’re not funny.”
“I wasn’t trying to be. Are you going to accept my proposal or not?”
I loved this man and I couldn’t imagine my life without him, either. After a shuddering sigh I nodded.
“Is that a yes?”
“Yes, I’ll marry you,” I cried, sobbing and sniffling at the same time.
“You don’t sound happy.”
“I’m happy,” I cried out, “so happy.” I reached for a tissue and blew my nose. When the tears cleared my eyes I saw that Mark had a diamond ring in the palm of his hand.
“Where did that come from?”
“My father gave my mother this ring before he left for Vietnam. She didn’t know if he was coming back, but she accepted the ring on faith. My dad survived and so will I. All I ask is that you be waiting for me.” He reached for my hand and slipped the diamond on my ring finger.
It was a perfect fit.
It’s a well-known fact that misery loves co
mpany, which made me the perfect companion for Jo Marie. Finding an apartment hadn’t been as easy as I’d assumed. I was told one would become available the last part of October at the same complex where I’d wanted to rent earlier. I decided that was too long to wait, but when Jo Marie heard the news she urged me to stay. The apartment was perfect, close to the school and convenient to town, and so I remained at the inn at her urging.
We were both about as unhappy as any two women could get. Two weeks after Mark slipped an engagement ring on Jo Marie’s finger and he was strong enough to travel, a high-ranking military officer showed up at the inn and collected Mark.
Jo Marie hugged him close, and I heard her threaten what she would do if he didn’t come back to her. Her threats were quickly followed by words of love and the promise of prayers. When Mark drove off with the army officer, she returned to the house, sobbing, with Rover at her side. Her faithful canine howled as if there was a full moon in sight.
When she went back inside, I sat down next to her and held her as she wept. The truth was I felt like crying myself.
Per our agreement, Nick hadn’t reached out to me since our last conversation. Nick took my recommendation with a vengeance and seemed to be routinely dating, if his Facebook posts were anything to go by. Apparently, his counseling sessions had worked wonders.
I saw pictures of him with three different women in the weeks that followed. I’d never thought of myself as the jealous type, but those posts with his arms wrapped around another woman, smiling into the camera, made me see green. I literally got sick to my stomach. For some unexplained reason I seemed to find it necessary to torment myself and faithfully followed him, anyway. For my peace of mind, the least he could do was look miserable or give some indication that he missed seeing me. Everything he posted seemed to indicate he’d done exactly as I’d suggested and gone back into the world and was living it up. Fool that I am, I was the one who demanded he do it.
Every night my dreams, when I was able to sleep, were full of Nick. I missed him. Missed his midnight visits, his hundred-watt smile. I missed Elvis, too. He had plenty of posts with Elvis, and for those I was grateful. I’d enjoyed being with him and the times we’d shared. We were two wounded souls who’d helped each other, who saw the best and the worst of our pasts but still found the courage to look to the future. Nick did.
Part of the deal we’d made was for me to attend James and Katie’s wedding. I’d regretted agreeing to that the minute my head was clear. I dreaded it, and as the date approached I found myself making excuses why it was impossible for me to go. First off, I no longer had the invitation. I’d tossed it the day it arrived.
Not interested.
Not going.
Oh, I purchased a nice gift off one of the sites where they’d registered and had it delivered, but that was as far as I intended to go. That should be enough to satisfy Nick.
Then, as I was cleaning my room, that blasted wedding invitation showed up on my nightstand. It might as well have had vocal cords because I swear I heard it shouting at me that Nick wasn’t going to listen to my excuses. Besides, I wasn’t a coward. Okay, maybe I was, but I doubted anyone would blame me.
I looked at it a second time and read Katie’s sweet note. Please come. It would mean the world to us.
On a beautiful late-summer morning I put on my best dress and carefully applied my makeup. I’d purchased twenty-five-dollar mascara guaranteed not to run—I knew there would be tears involved—and braced myself emotionally for this event that was happy for them and not so happy for me.
The wedding was set for three in the afternoon in a chapel in the north end of Seattle, near the University district. I’d guessed it would be a small wedding, and if the size of the chapel was any indication I was right. I assumed those invited would be their closest friends and family. It should be an honor that they’d wanted to include me.
—
The weather was perfect, although I didn’t appreciate the sunshine, especially since it felt as if a threatening dark cloud hung over my head. My mood was better suited to a thunderstorm complete with lightning and torrents of rain. I hated that I’d been forced into attending. At one point Nick had offered to come with me. How I wished now that I’d accepted.
As I approached the chapel, I saw another couple. The woman was dressed in a bright pink dress with an outrageous hat reminiscent of Andie MacDowell in Four Weddings and a Funeral. While the dress and hat caught my attention, I found that she looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t remember from where.
The man with her had nerd written all over him, complete with the eyeglasses and saggy pants. The woman didn’t seem to notice. It was obvious the two were in love and had eyes only for each other. Great. Just great. This was exactly what I didn’t need. Then I noticed she was several months pregnant. Not only was the whole world full of couples madly in love, but they were having babies. Babies I would never have.
Another slap in the face of reality. Jayson had children and no doubt Katie and James planned on a family as well. The sense of loss I felt seeing this pregnant couple nearly overwhelmed me.
I really, really didn’t want to be here, especially alone.
As luck would have it, I reached the chapel at the same time they did. The nerdy guy opened the door and then the woman with the outrageous hat paused and looked at me, narrowing her gaze.
“Do I know you?” she asked. She twisted around in order to get a better look at me.
I shook my head. “I don’t think so.” Although she, too, looked familiar.
Her eyes widened and she waved her index finger at me. “I do know you. I’m sure I’ve seen you before. You know Katie?”
“Not as well as James. Were you at the reunion last summer in Cedar Cove?” I asked.
The woman’s eyes widened as the connection clicked into place. “You were the woman James was engaged to at the time.”
The reminder wasn’t appreciated. “That’s me.”
“OMG,” she cried, and threw out her arms, giving me a big hug. “If it wasn’t for you, today wouldn’t be happening. You’re the one responsible for Katie and James getting together.”
I accepted the tight squeeze around my neck as she hugged me as if I were a long-lost relative. Thankfully, she was tall enough so that I didn’t get hit in the head with her enormous hat.
“Hudson, this is…” She stared at me blankly, not knowing my name.
“Emily,” I supplied.
“I’m Coco and this is my husband, Hudson.”
I vaguely remembered them from the reunion, at least I thought I did. I should, seeing what an odd couple they made.
Hudson nodded and seemed eager to get inside the chapel. I was just as impatient, but Coco had other ideas.
“You’re probably the most unselfish person I’ve ever met,” Coco insisted, her eyes brightening with tears. Turning to her husband, she explained. “Emily and James were engaged, but after the reunion she realized that James still loved Katie. Knowing that, she broke off the engagement.”
Hudson stared at me for an uncomfortable moment, as if struggling for words. I could tell he wasn’t much of a talker. “So you’re the one.”
“So it seems.” I wasn’t keen having attention drawn to me.
“You broke off the engagement?” he asked, as if it was difficult to understand.
“I did.” I didn’t regret the decision, but that didn’t make attending this wedding any easier.
“Katie told me how you stopped by her apartment to tell her what you’d done. Right away I encouraged her to contact James, but she refused. Can you imagine? That girl was crazy. She said if he loved her then he had to come to her. It shocked me but she had the patience and the faith to wait him out. I don’t know if I could have done it. And James left her waiting for several weeks. Weeks!” she cried. “All that time she trusted her love would win out. You have to admire the strength of her conviction. I don’t know what she would have done if she hadn’t heard f
rom him. I don’t even want to think about it.”
“And now they’re getting married,” I said pointedly, wanting to get out of the sunshine and into the air-conditioned building.
Hudson stood holding the door open, and Coco had to turn sideways to get her oversized hat through it.
Once inside, the other woman kissed her husband’s cheek and disappeared. Hudson looked at me and explained, “Coco’s Katie’s maid of honor.”
“Ah.”
Although I didn’t take the time to do an actual count, there were approximately twenty to thirty people in attendance. I slipped into a pew in the last row, hoping to remain as inconspicuous as possible.
Only a few minutes later the ceremony started. They each had only one attendant. Coco for Katie, and James had his cousin serve as his best man. Katie and James stood facing each other, their hands joined as they held each other’s gazes.
Katie looked simply beautiful. Her face radiated joy. I focused on her rather than James. She wore a simple gown and no veil. Coco stood at her side minus the hat. She dabbed at her eyes several times as the couple exchanged vows.
When I dared to look at James, I was nearly bowled over by the love I saw in him as he repeated his vows to Katie. His love was powerful enough to blind me.
That was when my own eyes blurred with tears. I knew I was going to cry; I just knew it, but the tears weren’t for the reasons I assumed. These were tears of shared joy. James and Katie were always meant to be together. I’d never seen James look at me like that. And the truth was I would never have loved him with the same intensity Katie did. But I would for Nick. What James and Katie shared was akin to the way I felt about Nick. The realization nearly bowled me over. I loved Nick. More than anything I hungered to share my life with him.
Once the ceremony was over the chapel emptied, but I stayed behind. Sitting in the pew, I needed a few minutes to absorb the emotion that overwhelmed me. Seeing the love James and Katie shared, I realized how badly I hungered for that myself. But I didn’t know if it was possible.
I was heavy into my thoughts when the door opened behind me. I didn’t turn to see who it was.