“But then I walked out of the bedroom and found Ky laughing and looking completely carefree, like the world had lifted from his shoulders. I’d been watching him destroy himself for months, and every morning I would wake up with the fear that his guilt over everything that happened with Eden had become too much and I would lose him forever. The thought that my brother, the one person I looked up to and wanted to be, had nothing to live for, terrified me.
“It was you, Ash. You were the first person to make him act like himself again. You brought him back to mom, dad, and me. How could I interfere with that? Ky needed you, so I knew that I had to sacrifice what I wanted in order to keep my brother alive. It was as severe as that. He was on a one-way path that he couldn’t get off of, and I truly believe that if it wasn’t for you, he would no longer be here.
“It was my biggest sacrifice, Ashlyn, but I didn’t know what else to do. Having you in my life was and will always be my number one priority. I wanted you to be mine. You climbed so far inside of me that night, but I had to settle with having you in my life as my sexy, sassy friend. I had to watch you start a relationship, knowing that maybe my decision had been the biggest mistake of my life. Then I had to watch you get your heart broken, and I had to live with the fact that I could have stopped that hurt from happening to you. Ashlyn, I had no idea what I could do. I had my brother destroying and slowly killing himself, and I had the girl I wanted a life with within reach.”
A deep sob echoed through the air, and it was only then that I realized I’d been holding my breath. Watching Josh open up and hearing him speak of Ky and his fears shredded my heart. I never knew it was that bad. The color in Josh’s face drained as he spoke of what I knew were dark days for the Crawford family.
His words hit me full force. A sledgehammer of promises that hinted at what I had secretly always wanted. Hearing him say that we could have had that five years ago caused my throat to close and my palms to sweat.
I sat back and moved to the other end of the couch. “I had no idea.” I whispered, trying my hardest to breathe and not succumb to shock. “I wish you didn’t have to go through that on your own. We could have helped him together. I could have been there for you, by your side, like I always wanted to be. That’s all I have ever wanted—to be with you, for you to be mine. You weren’t the only one who was changed by that night. It felt like you made me a woman, and I wanted to be yours. None of the past five years had to happen. Lachlan, Sadie, the women, the heartbreak. None of it. We could have been together.”
My words came out panicked, and I started to shake.
“Ashy, come here,” he said softly.
I shook my head as everything crashed within me, and I pulled away further.
“You and I could have had everything, and I could have given Ky just as much friendship as I did. I have lived the past five years thinking that I was a one-night stand; that the best night of my life was just a regular night to you. What you did for Ky is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. It’s making my tummy flutter, and makes me want to swoon and kiss you so hard. But I can’t help thinking about what we have lost, what we could have been.”
“We can be, Ashlyn. No one has ever compared to you, and no one ever will. You tempt me—not just with your body and mind, but with the possibilities of a life that involves you, me, a house, a puppy, and children. You tempt me with the thought of a happily-ever-after. Ashlyn, when have I ever thought of a happily-ever-after? You tempt me with a life of just you. You, Ashlyn, only you.”
Every thought I had, and every opinion that was mine was destroyed in that moment. It was like being told you were beautiful for the very first time. This was Josh at his most vulnerable.
“My heart has only ever been yours, Ashy.”
As he stared at me with eyes begging to give him what he wanted, I was transported into memories of the past five years. All I saw was us. Every time I pushed him away, he always came back, and through every heartbreak and soaring high in my life, he was there to pick up the pieces or congratulate me. Every man I met I compared to him, and every woman I saw him with, I was jealous of.
But we could have bypassed all of that. We could have had all this for five years. What had we lost? What would we never get back?
“I think I just need to be alone tonight,” I whispered, my emotions on the verge of exploding into shards of confusion.
“Don’t push me away, Ashlyn.”
“Please, Josh. I need to get my head around everything. This is huge. I’m trying to understand and process everything.”
I stood from the couch and collected the plates we used for dinner, then walked into kitchen. Some distance between Josh and I was the best thing that could happen right now. The likelihood that I’d get lost in all that he encompassed if I stayed close to him was sky high, and I needed time to work out everything I had learned.
“Ashy.”
I turned toward where his voice was coming from, but my feet suddenly felt like they were cemented to the floor, halting any possible escape plans. My hand felt his heat as he lifted it and wove our fingers together. The feeling of my hand being encased with his and his body so close to mine altered my ability to comprehend anything, and my breath at that moment chose to flee. My tentative gaze dropped to our hands, which fit so perfectly, and it felt like I was living in a world of slow motion when his thumb delicately ran over my skin.
“You’ve got to breathe, Ashy.” His voice spoke so low, and it caused my stomach to flutter. “Be mine today, tomorrow, and forever, because we both know that we are the only ones for one another. I’m going to give you the space you need tonight, but I won’t stay away for long.”
I stood frozen, letting his words penetrate my heart while taunting my mind, as he walked out of the kitchen, through the living room, and to the door. With one last look over his shoulder, he stepped through the door and disappeared, then I headed straight for my wine.
I paced my apartment with a glass of wine swinging in my hand as I got lost in a torrent of Josh Crawford. What did I want? Could I move past this? Tonight had been everything I wanted, but it was the shock of his admission that freaked me out. Now I was heading for a night in, with too much wine and an impending hangover.
He called me his girl.
I could have been his girl for five years. He could have been my guy for five years. Why didn’t I fight for him back then? Why didn’t I question him? Why didn’t I call him out? Because of my own damn insecurities, that’s why. I was a virgin who got laid by the hottest guy she’d ever seen. I was friend zoned and thought I was a one-night stand, and I dealt with it. I wanted him in my life however I could get him. And now, he was telling me everything I had always wanted to hear. Talk about a mind fuck of epic proportions.
There was no one else like Josh Crawford. Every time I pushed him away, he’d come back. He always opened his arms to me and pulled me against his chest, then played with my hair and found a way to make me laugh and forget everything. He woke me up and made me look at life in color instead of black and white. He was my rainbow on the gloomiest of days, but I had still asked him to leave? Seriously, what the hell was wrong with me?
I poured myself another glass of wine and stumbled toward the bathroom. Hopefully a bath would help pull me out of my pity party for one. After filling the bath with bubbles, I sunk into the hot water and my eyes fluttered shut. Every memory that flashed in my mind included Josh. All I could see and imagine was his soft touch, his intense gaze, his addictive warmth, and more than anything, his beautifully-crafted words of promise and second chances. I was in deep.
The thought alone made me take a big go at my wine.
I needed girl time.
I grabbed my phone, and somehow was able to tap in a message to Eden, asking her to come over. How I didn’t drop it in the bath was anyone’s guess.
As the warmth of the bath started to fade, I heard my front door open and soon Eden’s voice was floating through my apartm
ent. “Ashlyn, where are you?”
“Bathroom,” I replied.
Seconds later, the bathroom door pushed open and Eden appeared. Her eyes shot wide as she took me in. I must have looked like a hot mess, because I was quickly on my way to drunkville, population one.
“Are you okay?” She placed her clutch on the sink, then put down the toilet seat lid and sat.
“I’m drowning my sorrows,” I mumbled and waved around my now-empty wine glass.
Worry flashed across her face. “What happened? Has Lachlan done something?”
I burst out laughing at her assumptions. Lachlan was always doing something. He was like an annoying wart that wouldn’t drop off, always making itself known at the worst possible time. But for once, it had nothing to do with him. I rose from the bath, not even caring that I was buck naked with bubbles barely covering my lady bits. With an unsteady foot, I stepped out onto the tiled floor. Eden stood and wrapped a towel around me, then helped me stand in one spot.
“I need to shower to get the bubbles off. Sit on the toilet. We need girl chats.” I pointed to the toilet and shrugged off the towel, allowing it to fall to the floor.
“How much have you had to drink?” Eden asked as I stepped into the shower quickly to wash off.
When I stepped back out, I roughly dried myself in Eden’s full view before she placed my fluffy gown over my shoulders, tightening it around my waist and making sure the girls and my lady bits were covered.
“Ash, how much have you had to drink?” she asked again.
“Wine.”
She chuckled as she followed me down the hall and into the kitchen. I spotted my empty bottle of wine on the bench. Geez, I thought I had some left.
“How about we have some water?” Eden suggested in a motherly tone. The kitchen counter became my leaning post, and I sighed a little too loudly as she opened the fridge, pulled out two bottles of water, and handed me one. “Now tell me what has brought on this sudden case of drowning your sorrows and exhibitionism. I might hate you a little now that I’ve had a glance of your body. Damn, your boobs are insane.”
“He likes my boobs.” I smirked as memories of Josh fondling and kissing my breasts hit me. “He even told me tonight.”
“Who are you talking about?” Eden asked quickly. She grabbed my hand and dragged me into the living room, and I collapsed onto the couch with a huff.
“I’ve never felt like this. So deep, Eden, so god damn deep. He has gotten right in there. I’m talking about my heart, not my va jay jay, because he already owns her. Tonight he told me everything, and I mean everything, and then I freaked out and said I needed to be on my own. He bought me Pad Thai and we cuddled, but then I sent him away. Yep, just sent him away like an idiot. It’s official. I’m going to end up with cats and a cupboard full of battery operated friends,” I said babbling, but I couldn’t stop myself.
Eden sat beside me, wide eyed and with her mouth hanging open as she watched me completely lose it.
“I need my phone. He will find this funny. I told him I’d either become a lesbian or own cats. Cats it is.” I pushed myself up from the couch and stumbled back into the kitchen in search of my phone. Hot on my heels was Eden, who seemed to refuse to allow me out of her sight. There was no sign of my phone, but I still wanted to call him. “Can I borrow your phone? I don’t know where mine is.”
Eden handed over her phone while casting a worried gaze over me. “Who are you calling?”
“Him.”
I somehow figured out how to tap in Josh’s number, and started pacing as I listened to his phone ringing in my ear.
Hi, you’ve reached Josh. Leave a message and I’ll call back when I’m free.
“It’s me. Ashlyn. Calling on Eden’s phone. I’m going to buy some cats, probably two or three because they need friends. You were really warm tonight, and you bought me Pad Thai, and now I’m a little drunk on wine, but Eden is making me drink water. Do you like cats?”
After ending the call, I handed the phone back to Eden and left the kitchen. My couch looked overly inviting and, by the time Eden joined me, I had wrapped myself in a blanket and felt myself falling deeper into a wine haze.
“Why did you just call Josh?” Eden asked softly, her eyes full of wonderment.
“How did you know?” I gasped. Was she a mind reader?
Her soft chuckle calmed me somewhat. “Seriously, how much wine have you had? His contact details were on the screen when you handed it back.”
“Oh.”
“Ashlyn, why did you just call Josh?”
Suddenly, it was like my body turned from drunk to sober. Opening up to someone about Josh was something I had wanted from day one, and here Eden was, giving me that option.
She grabbed my hand and gave it a friendly squeeze. “Whatever you say stays with us. Yes I am with Ky, and yes he is my world, but you are my best friend. Sisters before misters.”
I giggled at her use of sisters before misters.
“I think I’m falling in love with him,” I whispered, and the weight of the world seemed to lift from my shoulders. Saying it out loud made it feel even more real. “He called me his girl. I’ve never been anyone’s girl before.”
“Holy shit.” Eden looked at me with wide eyes, and I knew that this was the last thing she expected to hear. “We need wine for this. This isn’t a water conversation.”
After rushing to the kitchen and grabbing another bottle of wine, she sat back beside me and poured two glasses. I lifted mine to my lips, and she looked at me over her glass.
“From the beginning, Ash. Tell me it all.”
I took a massive gulp of my wine and went back to the beginning. I told her about first noticing Josh in the cafeteria at college and getting lost in the fact that he was the hottest guy on campus. I told her about our night at Rubies and how he took my virginity, then I told her about waking up and thinking that I wanted it to be more than just one night. She sat in silence, letting me talk about our history and allowing me to get lost in the amazing memories I had of him.
“So, when did this start again? I am assuming that you are with each other?”
“It was Josh I went to when I got back from Australia. I didn’t realize it at the time, but he was the one that I chose to help me heal. I could have called anyone—you, Ky, Austin . . . but I chose Josh. It was then that something switched on between us. He protects me. Eden, he comforts and encourages me. It was Josh who suggested the name Ashlyn’s Closet. When I moved in with him, we danced around temptation before we collided. Every time he touches me, I feel like I’m floating, and every time he looks at me, I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.”
“So why are you here and not with him?”
“Because I’m an idiot.”
“Babe, what happened?”
“I’m so afraid of what I feel for Josh. It’s like nothing I’ve felt before. Obviously, I have been in relationships before, but these feelings have a finality to them, like this could be it. I have lived my life not being enough for people—my parents, Lachlan . . . and I thought I wasn’t enough for Josh, that I was just a one-night stand back in college. Tonight we spoke about what happened five years ago, and he told me everything. He wanted this. He has wanted us since that night.”
“So why haven’t you been together?”
“Because of Ky.”
Her face went still and her eyes shot wide. “
“No, nothing like that. Ky has only ever been in love with you. The morning after Josh and I were together is when I became friends with Ky. Josh saw Ky and I together, and he told me that it was the first time Ky had smiled since everything happened with you. Josh was scared that Ky was going to hurt himself, and that he was going to lose him forever, so Josh gave up a future with me because he was more concerned about Ky than with what he wanted.”
“Oh my god.” Eden gasped and lifted her hand to her mouth. Tears shimmered in her blue eyes as she looked at me in awe. “Thank you for sa
ving him. If Ky had done anyth—”
“Babe, don’t think that. Don’t go there. It was all Josh. All I did was be Ky’s friend. It was Josh that sacrificed everything for him. Josh stayed away from me until you came back into Ky’s life and he knew Ky would be okay. But when that happened, I had started things back up with Lachlan, and . . . well, we know how that ended.”
“So all of the women and the bachelor lifestyle was just a cover because he has been in love with you since college? That’s why he never did relationships, because he was waiting for you? Ash, everything makes sense now. For as long as I’ve known Josh, and from what Ky has told me, he has never claimed a girl as his own before.”
“What about Sadie?” I asked softly.
“Sadie was just an extended fuck buddy. Those are Josh’s exact words.” She moved across the couch and grabbed my hands, encouraging me to look at her. “It’s you, babe. You are it for him, and once a Crawford claims a girl we have no hope. They won’t let go.”
“I told him I needed some time alone tonight, but I just want him.” I finished my wine as Eden stared back at me. “Do you think I should go to his apartment? I’m kind of a hot mess.”
“Come on. I’ll take you down there.” Eden stood from the couch and held out a hand to me. She pulled me to my feet, and it was then that I realized I was a little more than tipsy. “You and Josh together? Best news ever.”
A SOFT KNOCK AT my door woke me up. I had fallen asleep on my couch while watching an old Adam Sandler movie after coming home from Ashlyn’s apartment. I looked at my watch and saw that it was almost one A.M. Through the peephole, I was beyond shocked to find Eden with Ashlyn. What the fuck were they doing?
“Hey, Josh,” Eden said with a smirk. My gaze jumped straight from her to Ashlyn, who looked unsteady on her feet. “She wanted to come see you.”