Trev stared out at the water then turned to look at me again. “Why did you come here, Reya?”
There was such raw vulnerability in his eyes that I had to swallow down the lump in my throat before I could answer. “I came because I care about you.”
“But I screwed everything up. That shit today was straight out of my old playbook. I keep telling you I’ve changed but then I go and prove myself a liar. I’ve been trying so hard, but it’s just exhausting.”
I remembered his conversation with his doctor this morning, when he said he was exhausted from trying to stay on track all the time. Feeling like he was changing, but at the same time struggling with his inner self. I didn’t want him to feel like that, like he always had to behave a certain way, or hide his true self just to satisfy me. That couldn’t be further from what I wanted.
I’d wanted him to be different, yes, but that was before I knew how difficult it was for him. Living in constant fear of regression was no way to live. And I hated myself for being one of the people he felt he had to change for.
The revelation struck me that I didn’t really want him to change, not the core of who he was anyway. Because that was the person I’d fallen for in the beginning, and I didn’t think I’d ever get over that mischievous blue-eyed boy, no matter how much I tried.
I loved his unpredictability.
I got off on his wildness and spontaneity.
And I adored how he always surprised me with what came out of his mouth.
I just hadn’t been able to live with the instability that came with all those things.
“You don’t need to change,” I said, moving my hand from his elbow to rest on his thigh. His expression was unsure, questioning. “I like who you are. I like who you’ve always been.”
He shook his head. “No, you don’t. Two years ago you hated me. You wanted me out of your life for good.”
“That’s not true. I never hated you. I liked everything about you. I just couldn’t be with you because I couldn’t rely on you. I could’ve lived the rest of my life by your side, with you jumping off buildings and doing handstands on top of phone booths, just so long as you came home to me at the end of the day.”
His expression sobered, his eyes flickering between mine. “But I didn’t come home.”
“No,” I breathed. “You didn’t.” Because you were too entrenched in your own struggles, my mind added. I used to wonder if I wasn’t enough for him, wasn’t good enough. I was just a normal girl and he was like a butterfly, coming to rest on your hand, wowing you with its beautiful colours, but then flittering away again. Now I knew it wasn’t so cut and dried. There might have been beauty on the outside, but there was turmoil on the inside. That turmoil was what made him so unreliable when reliability was what I needed. He could be as wild and free as he wanted so long as he was constant for me.
He looked deep in thought when he moved to climb off the wall. I took a step back and eyed the gravel marks on his trousers and how his hair was all mussed up.
He met my eyes and I held my hand out. “Come on. You must be hungry. Let’s go get something to eat.”
He laced his fingers with mine, his skin rough and blistered. I didn’t mind though. I just wanted some kind of connection, anything. No words were spoken as we walked along the bridge, heading for the street. Trev glanced down at our hands for a second, exhaled, then stared ahead again.
We found a small bistro to have dinner in, and the waiter was kind enough to get me a first aid kit so I could clean Trev’s hands. He was uncharacteristically quiet as he watched me work. There was something about his silence that heightened the tension between us, and the way he watched my fingers made my stomach clench.
When we sat down to order I went with the risotto, while Trev asked for the beef bourguignon. His quietness put me on edge. Trev wasn’t one to sit still and be quiet often. I wanted to fill the void but I couldn’t think of anything to talk about. In the end, it was Trev who broke the silence.
“You ever hear from your family these days?”
A brick sank in my gut. I didn’t want to sit in silence but I didn’t exactly want to talk about my family either. “Nope. It’s same old story with them,” I answered on a sigh.
Trev’s expression grew contemplative. “Did you try to get in touch with them?”
I tensed, because his question hit a sore spot. When I spoke my voice was quiet. “I emailed my sister about a year ago to see if she wanted to meet up. I even included my new phone number, but I never heard anything back.”
Trev exhaled. “Fuck, Reya. I’m sorry. She’s an arsehole.”
I sniffed. “She isn’t. She’s just scared. Her whole life she’s worked for my parents at their restaurant. She doesn’t know anything else. She thinks if she starts having contact with me that my parents will shut her out and she’ll have nowhere else to go.”
“Does she still live with them?”
“I think so.”
“What about your brothers?”
I shook my head. “They’re both married with kids. Paula’s the only one who still lives at home, though for all I know she could be married and moved out by now. I have no real way to keep up with their lives.”
Trev exhaled heavily, his compassionate gaze wandering over me. “Well, you’re probably better off. They don’t deserve any of your time.”
I fiddled with my place setting. “Deserve has nothing to do with it. Even when I hate them I still love them. That’s fucked up, right?”
Trev shook his head. “No, I get it. When Mum was alive, I used to feel so angry at her, because she constantly chose drugs over us. But then some weeks she’d get clean and I’d instantly forget the anger. I was just over the moon to have her back to normal and would forgive her for all the shit she pulled before.”
I thought of Trev’s childhood, how his dad had been a non-entity and his mum died of a drug overdose when he was still a kid. How he and his brothers had to rob and steal just to survive. At least I had a proper family. Maybe I was lucky even though they let me down in the end. I certainly had it better than Trev ever did.
“It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s God’s sick joke, making us love the people who hurt us,” I said, my voice sombre.
Trev’s brows drew together, his lips flattening in a frown, and I realised belatedly that he wasn’t thinking of family anymore. He was thinking of us. He’d hurt me a lot in the past, but I always forgave him.
Until I didn’t.
He dragged his hand across his jaw, rubbing at the stubble as he murmured, “Yeah well, I guess sometimes I’m glad for His sick sense of humour.”
Our meal arrived but the mood between us was subdued. Trev wouldn’t stop looking at me with sad eyes, like I had some kind of terminal disease but he didn’t have the heart to tell me yet.
“If you’re having troubles you can talk to me, you know,” I ventured, hoping he might open up. He’d expressed some of his frustrations back on the bridge, but I knew there was more to it. I wanted him to feel like he could talk to me as freely as he talked to his doctor. If we just put everything out on the table then maybe we could come to some new level of understanding.
His voice was cautious. “Troubles?”
“That whole scene today with Barry, and how you’ve been talking. It makes me worry about you.”
He exhaled a long breath and played with his food a little. “That was just a blip. I’m sort of prone to them if you hadn’t noticed.”
I reached out and placed a hand over his. “And what caused the blip?”
His mouth turned down at the edges. “Frustration, I guess.”
Yeah, join the club. “What have you been frustrated about?” I asked, though I suspected I already knew. I was on the other side of it, after all.
He lifted his gaze to mine. “You.”
His answer caused my cheeks to flush and I willed them to cool down. I traced circles over the top of his hand and cleared my throat. “Can I, uh, help somehow?”
/> Trev’s gaze darkened substantially, his voice thick when he replied, “Yeah, but I don’t think either one of us is ready for that just yet.”
I looked down at my plate, a smile curling my lips. “Since when did you become the mature one?”
His look was direct. “Since I spent two years without you. I don’t plan on going another two.”
I arched a brow as my lungs filled with exhilaration. It was both thrilling and nerve-wracking to be having this conversation. I couldn’t manage to meet his gaze when I replied quietly, “I wouldn’t like to go another two without you either.”
Trev stayed silent, but his expression spoke volumes. I saw his surprise clear as day and realised he didn’t know how much I’d loved being around him again. Inhaling deeply, he turned his hand to face upward and linked our fingers together. I felt hot in the dim light of the restaurant as I lifted my gaze to his. He never broke eye contact when he brought my hand to his mouth and gently kissed it. Tingles skittered down my spine at the feel of his lips on my skin. Trev let go of my hand and I busied myself shoving a forkful of risotto into my mouth.
He leaned both elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands as his attention travelled from my lips to my nose and over my cheeks. “Can I ask a question?”
“O-of course,” I replied shakily, somewhat affected by the husky quality in his voice.
He hesitated a moment, then said, “This afternoon aside, since we’ve been on this trip, do you feel like my behaviour towards you has been consistent?”
His question was surprising and it took me a second to formulate an answer. “It hasn’t been inconsistent, but it has been unexpected to a certain degree. You told me you wanted to be friends, but you flirt with me all the time.”
Trev arched a brow, seemingly amused by that answer. “Do I?”
I smiled a little. “Don’t give me that. You know you do.”
He smiled back, the expression so bloody handsome. “Yeah, I guess I do. It’s kind of hard not to. Flirting with you was always my favourite pastime.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I remember.”
“You flirted back.”
“Trev, we both know women flirting with you isn’t anything new.”
“Yeah, but it always felt like a little victory when you did it. I remember when we first started hanging out and you’d blush at the tiniest innuendo. Then you finally got used to my filthy mouth and started giving as good as you got. Best fun I ever had.”
“Of course I blushed. I rarely got to spend time with boys when I was growing up, aside from my brothers. And even when I was in college I was never the sort of girl to have ‘guy’ friends. You were like this new, alien species in my life.”
Trev chuckled at that and ate a few bites of his food. I watched as he chewed and swallowed, fascinated by the way his throat moved. He set his fork down and focused his attention on me again.
“Anyway, I just wanted to ask about the whole consistency thing because it’s something I’ve been working on. I’m trying to be more balanced in my behaviour,” he said, looking almost shy. My heart reacted with frantic thudding. I could tell this was important to him.
I took his hand again. “Like I said back at the bridge, you don’t need to change who you are for me, or anyone else for that matter. You should only ever change for you. I want you to enjoy each day. And whatever that consists of, whatever helps you be happy, that’s what I want for you. So please, don’t feel like you have to constantly watch what you say and do. I’d hate that. I’m not going to be offended if you have an off day or feel down or whatever. Just . . . you know, take care of yourself first and everyone else second.”
He squeezed my hand, and as I studied him I was stunned to see his eyes turn glassy. My pulse thrummed but I didn’t comment on it, because I knew men were weird about showing emotion.
Still, from his reaction I could tell my words had a profound effect on him. He needed to hear them. And maybe I needed to say them. It felt like a weight had been lifted, and as we finished up our meal I sensed a new atmosphere form between us, one of mutual understanding. Mutual respect.
The next day was our final day in Paris. The plan was for the group to shoot in at least three different locations in each city, so they’d have enough footage for fifteen episodes in the end—fifteen stunts. Today was probably the most ambitious yet. We were at a large complex with a highly modern architectural design called the Pompidou Centre. Neil told me there was a museum and a library inside, but the filming would be outside.
From the front, it looked like a giant metal rectangle, with criss-crossing scaffolding and different coloured tubing running through it. Slantways down the centre was a zigzag-shaped stairway, enclosed in glass so you could see the people on the escalators inside. The plan was for the group to start at the top of the glass enclosure and freerun to the bottom, while visitors to the centre continued about their business inside.
After assisting Neil to cordon off some of the areas for the film crew, I took a little wander around some of the exhibitions. When I was making my way back out, I spotted Callum and Leanne standing close to one of the exits. They seemed to be having some sort of intense discussion, and weirdly, Leanne appeared to be trying to calm Callum down. He was worked up and upset over something, his shoulders slumped as he raked a hand through his hair.
I approached them and asked tentatively, “Is everything okay?”
Leanne glanced up, surprised to see me, and plastered on a fake smile. “Hi, Reya. Yeah, everything’s fine. This place is amazing, isn’t it?” she said. It was said in an effort to distract me. Callum looked off to the side, not acknowledging my presence, but I couldn’t tell if it was out of rudeness or embarrassment. I’d definitely caught them both off guard. Plus, it just seemed weird that Callum was the one upset while Leanne tried to console him.
I continued outside and spotted the crew filming Trev as he climbed to the top of a ten-foot-high box next to two giant extractor vents opposite the centre. The vents rose out of the ground like the monster sticking its head out of Loch Ness. A gang of passers-by stopped to watch, some recording on their smartphones. I admired his athletic form as he braced himself, bent into a half crouch, then vaulted to the ground.
Unlike yesterday, his landing was measured and effortless, and the gathered crowd started to clap and cheer. He grinned at his audience, his eyes alight with adrenaline, and did a funny curtsey. Several teenage girls giggled and whispered to one another, which was the typical Trev effect. He had a way of rendering the opposite sex—and certain members of the same sex—into swooning groupies with so much as a suave little smile.
Neil handed him a bottle of water and he twisted the cap off before swallowing a long gulp. Barry was off to the side, talking with a crewman, his expression somewhat sour. I guessed he and Trev still hadn’t kissed and made up.
Trev’s attention fell on me as I approached. “Hey. That was amazing,” I gushed. After last night’s meal, there was a newfound comfort between us. I felt like we understood each other better and I didn’t have to be on my guard all the time.
His mouth formed a smirk as he winked. “I aim to please.”
I stepped up beside him and lowered my voice. “This might be nothing, but I just saw Leanne and Callum over in the centre and Callum looked upset. Did something happen?”
Trev swallowed another mouthful of water, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Nah, nothing happened. Just let them work it out between themselves.”
“Okay,” I said, sensing there was something else at play, but of course it was none of my business.
“I like this top,” said Trev, grinning and reaching out to finger the fringing at the hem of my T-shirt. “Very funky.”
“Thanks. I’ll get you one for Christmas.”
“I have been told that tassels bring out the colour of my eyes.”
“Well, duh.” I laughed.
“Trevor, when you’re done flirting I need you over here,”
Barry called grumpily.
I raised my brows and spoke quietly. “Are you two still on the outs?”
Trev blew out a breath. “I shouldn’t have taken that jump. Besides, I’m pretty sure his bald patch is a direct result of our insurance premiums.”
A frown marked my brow. “Yeah, I get that, but he shouldn’t have spoken to you like he did.”
“Don’t worry. I’m made of sterner stuff than what you think, Reyrey,” he said, and gave his chest a hard thump before he went to Barry.
I put in the lunch order while the group prepared to film the main stunt. Spotting Callum go by, I thought he still looked a little agitated but not as upset as before.
Small black figures dotted the roof. A number of the crew were in place, while others were situated on the ground to capture shots from both angles. The group gathered at the top of the transparent glass tube, curious heads of the public glancing up and wondering what was going on. I pinpointed Trev in his beige camo shorts and black T-shirt, dark protective bands on his elbows and wrists. His hands were probably still sore from yesterday, but he didn’t show any outward signs of discomfort.
James headed up the group, with Paul behind him, then Leanne, Callum and lastly, Trev. The sun shone bright, the clouds few against the azure Paris sky. I was still admiring the pretty colour when I heard a number of people make noises all around me. My attention went back to the building, where James now raced down the curved glass that surrounded the escalators. As soon as he reached the quarter-way point, Leanne followed, with Paul starting after her.
I noticed Callum was a little late to start, his movements less practiced than usual. He still managed to run down the stairway well enough, and then finally, it was Trev’s turn. My heart beat twice as fast the entire time he was on that glass. Neil, who was standing next to me, swore loudly, and my attention left Trev to see that Callum had slipped and fallen right as he reached the bottom. Trev, who had already built up too much speed, didn’t have enough time to stop before he crashed into him.
Twenty.