Lost Desires
Rachael Orman
Lost Desires
Copyright 2014 by Rachael Orman
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Lost Desires is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
To the man that still lights up my life after many years of marriage.
Chapter 1
Pushing back from my desk, I sighed. I had seen enough half nude bodies for the day. Well, okay, time for a break at least. Standing and stretching my back, I watched my two kids play with their toys on the floor. A half wall separated their space from mine, and some days, that was all that kept me from losing my sanity. My son was five, and my daughter was three. They got along most of the time, but the days they didn’t might as well have been a week long. When the kids were fighting, every second ticked by so incredibly slow. That’s how life was though, right? When I needed time to crawl so that I could get my work done, it sped by. When I wanted it to go by faster, it hit the brakes. It was worse than normal during the summer since I had both kids at home instead of at least one at school.
Turning, I went into the kitchen to get dinner started. Once I got the casserole in the oven, I emptied the dishwasher, the sound of the dishes clanging together not helping my headache, and reloaded it. Shooing the kids to the bathroom next so I get them bathed while the smell of dinner baking began to fill the house. Once I got the kids dressed and at the table to eat, Ian, walked through the door. The children holler at their father in pure delight.
“Hi, Dear,” I called out as I plated food for the kids and set it in front of them. I grabbed a plate for myself and joined them at the table.
“How is everyone?” Ian mumbled, pulling at the tie around his neck. Both kids answered him before spooning food into their mouths. I’d made one of their favorite meals, so they weren’t going to fight me to eat tonight.
“How was work?” I asked between bites as Ian looked through the stack of mail I left on the counter for him.
“Just another day,” he answered, distracted. Taking the bills with him, he retreated to our bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes. He usually stopped by the bathroom to relieve himself before finally showing up at the dinner table. I had cleaned off the kids’ plates and my own before he came out, which was the norm. He sat at the table, and I brought him a plate with silverware before gathering up the kids and carrying them one at a time off to bed. After chapstick and backrubs, they were finally tucked in for the night.
I returned to the kitchen to put the chapstick back in its hiding place, so little hands wouldn’t find it and make a mess out of it later. Leaning back against the counter, I eyed my husband as he opened and read whatever had been in the mail. He was still the same handsome man I’d married ten years ago. His dark brown hair had little shoots of gray peppered throughout it now, but it was still kept in the short, semi-military haircut he’d worn since I’d met him. His daring, green eyes had dulled over the years and were now simply worn down green framed with fine smile lines. His once hard body was still firm but had softened as his metabolism slowed. Not that I really should speak. I had aged too. My shiny brown hair was now a shade that only a bottle could give me. I carried around an extra sixty pounds, thanks to two pregnancies. Neither of us were the people we had been when we got married, but we were still very much in love as far as I knew.
I listened as he talked about his day at work. Another dull day as an accountant. Once he had recounted his day, he asked how the kids had been. My usual ‘good’ came out without thinking about it. I knew he cared for their wellbeing but wasn’t really interested in how they’d been. I was the one who got to deal with them so it really only impacted me how they behaved. Sighing, I gave him a brief kiss on the lips before heading to take a shower. When I finished, feeling more refreshed now that I’d washed away the day, I found him sitting at his computer. I returned to my desk to get in some more work in before turning in for the day. My job was to get new merchandise listed for an online lingerie company, among many other little tasks, and it actually kept me pretty busy but not so busy I couldn’t take care of the kids.
Just like every other day, I worked until I could barely keep my eyes open. I gave Ian a kiss on the top of his head. “I’m off to bed.”
“Okay, Brit. I’ll be there in a few. I just want to finish reading this article.” Ian squeezed my hand that I had rested on his shoulder before turning his full attention back to the computer screen.
That night, as I laid there in bed alone, again, I wondered if this was what happened to every couple. Before we’d gotten married, we’d been like rabbits. We had sex often and in as many places as we could. We pretty much continued on that way until we had our first. Then things had slowed, but we still had a great sex life. After our second was born though, it was like it just dropped off the face of the Earth. We would occasionally laugh about sexy things or flirt, but for the most part, we were more of friends than sexual partners.
I still found him sexually attractive, but by the time I got into bed at the end of the night, the last thing I felt like doing was having sex. He always said he was in the mood, but rarely acted on it. I didn’t know if it was because he didn’t find me attractive anymore, or if he was just afraid I’d shut him down. With those thoughts bouncing around in my head, I tossed and turned until I finally fell into a fitful sleep.
In the morning, I was woken up by two overly energetic kiddos. Dragging my feet, I closed the door softly behind me, since Ian was still sleeping, and then made my way to the kitchen to get them their morning glass of milk with dry cereal to snack on until I made them breakfast. Ian came out shortly after us, showered and dressed for another day at the office, offering quick kisses to everyone before he headed out to work.
Yet again, everything was just the same as it was the day before, and the day before that. I was tired of our routine. Sure, it worked, but I wasn’t happy like this. I wanted to be excited for something in my life instead of just existing. Deciding I knew exactly what I needed, I called up my friend, Tara. She was single without any kids, but she always had something going on. I didn’t think she’d ever been bored a day in her life.
After making plans to meet with her for lunch, I hung up and quickly rushed through getting the kids out of their jammies and into daytime clothes. I checked in with work and made sure there wasn’t anything I had to do right away before getting ready myself. I slipped on a knee length skirt that helped hide my wide thighs and hips and then pulled on a loose shirt to cover my belly and large breasts. I ran my brush quickly through my hair that fell past my shoulders before rounding up the kids, who had been jumping on the bed while I dressed. It only took us a couple of minutes to get from the house to the car and everyone buckled up. It was almost a record for us since there was always some sort of drama – forgotten items or random running around the vehicle before finally piling in.
Once I pulled up in front of the restaurant I was meeting Tara at, I breathed in a relieved breath. No fighting had occurred, giving me a semi-peac
eful, calming drive. After unbuckling the kids, we walked hand in hand up to the front where Tara was sitting on a bench waiting for us. All five foot seven of her. She had on skinny jeans and a tight t-shirt that showed off how slender she was. I was jealous of her body. I had once had a body like that, but no matter what I did, I could not lose the weight I had gained.
“So, what is going on?” Tara blurted out as soon as we were shown to a table, not one to beat around the bush. I looked over at my kids, one on either side of the table, but they were both busy scribbling with the provided coloring pages and crayons.
“I don’t know. I feel sort of crazy saying this. I just feel like things between Ian and I have fizzled out. Are we growing apart or is it just the natural way of life and marriage? I have no idea.” I spoke quietly as I leaned across the table towards her.
“Are you thinking of divorce?” Tara couldn’t quite conceal the surprised look on her face.
“No! No. Not at all. Not like that. Just, uh, sexually. You know. We never, uh, do it. When we do it is missionary and I always have to fake it just so he’ll get it over with.” I tilt my head away from the children more. I know they aren’t likely to understand what I’m talking about but I still feel awkward even talking about this type of stuff out loud, let alone in front of them.
“Ah. I get it. So you aren’t getting satisfied in the sack?” Tara laughed softly.
“It’s not just that. I don’t even feel like doing it, so it’s not even his performance in question, I just don’t desire it anymore.” I shrug. “Maybe it’s me.”
“Babe, it isn’t you. It’s just part of being a mother. I’ve told you before, you have to get comfortable with your new sexy curves. I bet that really has a lot to do with it. If you don’t want to get naked, why would you want to have naked sex?” Tara smiled as the waiter walked up to get our drink order then disappeared again. “I think you should see a sex counselor.”
“A sex counselor? That sounds very unpleasant. I don’t want to have to talk about all this stuff with some stranger.” I shook my head with absolute conviction. That might be for some people, but that wasn’t for me. I was having a hard enough time talking about this in front of my best friend. No way was I going to be able to talk about it to a stranger.
“Why not? What if it could fix your sex life, your love life, your marriage? You should try it. I’ll find you a good one. I know a couple of people that might have some recommendations,” Tara suggested as she dug in her purse, eventually pulled out her phone, and scrolled through her contacts.
“I don’t know, Tara. I don’t know if I could get Ian to go, if I did want to go.” I run my fingers through my hair as I try to think calmly and not jump to any type of conclusions. Would I be willing to try something new if it changed things back to the way they were? Would Ian? At least I had a reason to bring it up because Tara was writing a number down on a napkin.
“Here, call this guy. A few of the couples I know have said he is the best and did wonders for their sex lives.” Tara smiles boldly at me. “I think it’d do you good. Now is not the time to hide behind that shyness. Do it.”
I slid the napkin off the table ledge to tuck it into my purse where I can look at it later, and if I decide it’s something I want to do, then I’ll have to figure out how the hell I’m going to bring this up to my husband.
Chapter 2
That night, when Ian got home from work and the kids were quietly tucked in bed, I leaned against the edge of his desk where he was looking over news stories for the day on his computer. When I didn’t say anything after a moment, he paused and looked up at me. “Yes?”
“I was just wondering if you wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV together tonight.” A small smile came over my face. “You know, turn off the computers and phones for a while before we go to bed.”
“Uh, sure.” Ian scanned the rest of the article he had been reading before shutting it down and walking with me to the couch. I sat right next to him, and he rested his hand on my thigh while he flipped through the channels with the other. Finally settling on a show both of us could stand, he set the remote aside and rubbed my thigh. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, why?” I frowned, not liking that the simple request to spend time with me made him think something was wrong. It just showed me how far apart we’d grown. We used to always spend the night together before going to bed.
“Just wondering,” Ian answered noncommittally. After sitting there for a few minutes in silence, watching the images on the screen, I turned to face Ian.
“I want to go see a counselor.” The words flew out of my mouth before I could get nervous about it. I had wanted to start this conversation a little smoother, but at least now it was out, and we could talk about it.
“Okay.” Ian dragged the word out.
“Well, not just any counselor, a sex counselor,” I clarified which got an surprised eyebrow raise out of him.
“Uh…” Ian sat there looking at me, his mouth slightly open. I wanted him to say something, but he didn’t. Gathering all my wits, I swallowed hard, knowing I was going to have to be the one to start.
“I think we are growing apart. Sexually. We never have sex. We are too young to not have sex. I want us to have sex. I want us to figure out what is missing. It’s got to be worth a shot, right?” I grabbed one of his hands in both of mine as I waited for his response to my sudden confession.
“What do they do there?” Ian asked after taking a moment, clarifying. “At the sex therapist.”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged slightly. “I was just thinking that we could go once and see how it goes. If we don’t like it, we don’t have to go back.”
“And this is what you want to do? You want to open our private life to some stranger?” Ian squeezed my hands slightly. I gave him my best puppy eyes and nodded. “Then we’ll do it. I’d try anything once if it meant keeping you happy. I’ll say, though, if I don’t like it after the first time I’m not going again.”
And there was the man that I had fallen in love with and was totally missing lately. I leaned forward, pressing my mouth to his. Scooting closer on the couch, I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck and tilted my head, tentatively touching his lips with my tongue. When I got a welcoming separation, I slid into his mouth to slip and dance with him. Large, warm hands glided under my shirt and up my back to pull me closer to him. Just as I was reaching to undo his pants, he pulled back.
“Let’s go to the bedroom,” Ian said before standing and holding out a hand to help me up as well. Once we were in our room, where the children were less likely to barge in, Ian quickly stripped out of his clothes and laid on his back in the middle of the bed. “Come here.”
My heart beat a little quicker as I quickly pulled my clothes off and climbed on the bed next to him. After kissing me briefly, Ian pulled back and oh so slightly nudged my head downward. I knew what he wanted, he loved when I sucked his cock, but I didn’t feel like doing it this time. Instead, I threw a leg over his hips to straddle his erect cock.
“Ooh, okay.” Ian grinned as his palms ran up and down my thighs. Reaching between my legs, I slid the blunt tip of his erection along my entrance before slowly sinking down on him. Rocking up then sliding back down, I took him deeper and deeper until I finally had him all the way inside my tight channel.
Using my legs, I lifted myself over and over as Ian laid there, letting me ride him. He wasn’t helping at all and rather looked like he wasn’t enjoying it. Holding back a sigh, I climbed off him to move to my back so he could mount me. I knew this was his preferred position, missionary always had been. Moving quickly, he slid into me and picked up a quick, intense rhythm without hesitation. After a few minutes filled with him grunting and me staring at the ceiling, his body tensed, and he let out a rough groan, signifying he was done. He collapsed on my chest, breathing rapidly until he finally pulled himself off me. I got up and went to the bathroom to clean up the mess left behind from our love m
aking and I put on my comfy clothes again.
By the time I climbed in bed, Ian was lightly snoring. I leaned over to kiss his forehead, then pulled the covers up so that I too could get some sleep.
In the morning, I gave the kids their milk and cereal before opening my purse and digging out the number that Tara had given me for the sex doctor. It was only a number, she hadn’t included a name. I’d have to be sure to thank her later for making this even more awkward. Once they were done with their breakfast, I told the kids that mommy had to make a phone call, asking them to be quiet before retreating back to the kitchen where I could still see them leaning against each other on the couch, watching TV.
Taking a deep, fortifying breath, I picked up my phone and dialed the number. It rang once, twice, three times. No answer. After the fourth ring, it went to a voicemail that was simply a robotic voice stating the number I had dialed before telling me to leave a message. I quickly hung up the phone without saying a word. What could I say? I had no name to say who I was looking for, and I certainly wasn’t going to leave a message on some random person’s number saying I was looking for a sex therapist. Yeah, no thanks. I set my phone on the counter and turned around just as Ian was walking in with his dress pants and shirt on with his tie around his neck, not yet tied.
“How’d you sleep, baby?” Ian asked, grabbing a travel cup and filling it with coffee.
“Good. You?” I forced a smile. I hadn’t slept well at all, but I didn’t want to admit it.
“Excellent. I always sleep great after sex.” With a wink and a smile, he went to kiss the kids goodbye. Taking his coffee, he left for the day. I threw the therapist’s number in the trash and went about my day as normal. I didn’t have time to worry about it. I’d have to ask Tara for a different recommendation or look online or something when I had a chance.
It was just after noon when I heard my phone ring out from the kitchen. I had just gotten both the kids to sit down at the dining table to eat their lunch, so I rushed into the room and hit the answer button without looking at who it was.