She was relieved but also disturbed. She wanted everything to be gone, for all the memories to be erased. This is exactly what she wanted and Annie had done that for her. But it wasn’t what she wanted either. It felt like a painting of perfection hiding secrets behind its façade. She wanted it to scream the truth, blast what had happened to the entire world, but then make it all disappear at the same time. She had never felt such confusing and conflicting emotions before.
“Alright, I got the laundry. Man, your laundry machines are so cheap here. In New York, it’s like five dollars a load. Everything is expensive up there though.” Annie chatted away as she entered the apartment. She walked right past Kate into the bedroom and placed the clothes on the bed, sorting them into different piles, and then walking to the dresser putting them away. Kate felt a bit more at ease entering the bedroom since Annie was already in there, so she slowly walked in and sat down on the bed next to the clothes watching her little sister.
“I think I am going to take a nap for a little while. I just feel really tired.” Kate told her sister.
“Good idea, I am going to cook some chicken alfredo pasta tonight. Chicken for you, pasta only for me. I am going to even wear gloves to touch the chicken, you should really appreciate the sacrifice I am making for you! Well, actually the sacrifice the poor chicken is making to die for you just so you can have a good meal.” Annie smiled at her, joking around.
Kate rolled her eyes and chuckled while Annie walked to the bedroom door and started pulling it closed behind her.
“Annie?” Kate called out.
“Yep?” She responded, turning back to look at her sister still sitting there on the bed.
“Thank you.” It was simple, but elegant and it said everything she needed Annie to hear.
Annie smiled at her, squinting her eyes with concern. She nodded, not responding verbally. Everything that needed to be said was said. She closed the door behind her and left Kate alone in her bedroom, sitting on the bed. Kate pulled the covers down and got into bed, trying to fall asleep.
As she pulled the blankets up to her chest, all she could feel was the weight of her attacker on top of her. She looked up at the ceiling and remembered looking at those exact ceiling tiles during the worst few minutes of her life. She began to feel her chest tighten and she knew she couldn’t lay in this bed.
Kate got up and pulled all the blankets and sheets off the bed, throwing them in a pile in the corner. Then she pulled the big chair in the corner of her room to the side and pushed her bed from one side of the room to the other, turning it sideways. She moved the chair to where her bed used to be and brought her nightstand across the room to join her bed. She wasn’t really thinking anything through but just knew that the room needed to be different. She was moving automatically.
She walked back to where the nightstand had been after pulling it across the room to sit in it’s new spot by the bed, she noticed some things against the wall that must have fallen between the wall and the crack of her bed or behind the nightstand over the last few years. She collected a few pieces of papers and some lone hair ties. There was only one thing left to pick up that must have fallen behind the nightstand but as Kate bent down to grab it, she paused. Actually, she didn’t pause so much as her entire body froze. A memory hit her like a freight train speeding right over her, crushing the wind from her lungs and leaving a searing pain in her chest. She suddenly felt every bruise on her as if they had just appeared and she crumbled to the carpet, unable to support her own weight a second longer.
She sat on her knees staring at the object against the wall, trying to catch her breath. She closed her eyes for a second but then quickly opened them because every time she closed her eyes all she could see was a replay of her attack. She looked at this object like it was going to jump up and attack her right there and then. Kate couldn’t believe that she had forgotten about it, that it had been erased from her mind, but suddenly it was crystal clear and it brought with it every moment of that evening with a clarity she never wanted.
It was the photograph. Small and white square facing away from her but she knew what the picture on the other side was. He had taken a photograph of her, two photographs actually, but he had kept one. He had a photograph of her. The thought suddenly dawned on her, something that she had known but was just realizing for the first time.
She reached out and gingerly grasped the edge of the picture and brought it into her lap as she moved her legs out from under her to sit cross-legged. She slowly forced herself to exhale and then she flipped the photograph over.
There she was.
There everything was.
Every image that had been in her brain was suddenly spelled out in front of her in a small, colorful photograph. She recognized everything from the blood covering her pale skin to the swelling on her face. But she recognized nothing. She couldn’t see herself in this picture of a woman with dead and dull eyes, her face contorted to a shape that couldn’t be recognized as a face anymore.
Who is this person? Kate thought to herself, staring at the photograph and gently touching her face in the picture. She stood up, still holding the photograph, and walked to one side of her room, side stepping the clutter from still being only part way through reinventing her bedroom. There was a mirror hanging on the small bit of wall separating her two bedroom windows and Kate stepped over to look at herself in it.
The woman in the photograph was staring back at her. Slightly healed and a bit cleaner, but the same dead eyes and the same contorted face. Kate didn’t make a sound, she couldn’t inhale, she couldn’t exhale, she couldn’t move. All she could do was look in the mirror for the first time since her attack and see who he had turned her into. He had taken everything from her, even the sparkle in her eyes.
Derrick had always said he loved how her eyes sparkled. She thought of how quickly Derrick had fled the hospital room and how shocked he had been at her appearance.
Did he run when he saw these new eyes? Did he no longer see the woman he loved inside? Kate thought to herself because if she was being honest, she couldn’t see that woman either. The woman in the mirror and in the photograph was a stranger, a very unwelcome stranger.
“Kate?” There was a tapping on the door and then a creak as Annie pushed it open enough to stick her head in.
“Is everything alright in here? I heard a lot of movement going on…oh, looks like you are doing some redecorating, huh?” Annie asked, as she took in the room’s disheveled appearance. Kate saw her sister’s reflection in the mirror and immediately tucked the photograph into her front pants pocket so Annie wouldn’t notice it. She turned around and attempted a half hearted smile at her little sister.
“Thought it was time for a change.” She explained simply. She didn’t know what else to say, she looked as much a mess as her room currently did. She could tell by the worried look on her sister’s face that this was not what she had expected Kate to be doing. Though it wasn’t what Kate expected to be doing either.
“Do you want some help?” Annie asked, pushing the door open further and stepping into the room looking around. Kate quickly shook her head no and picked up a lamp off the ground, placing it onto her nightstand.
“I can do it.” Kate replied.
“You should get some rest though, I can help. You probably shouldn’t be lifting any-” Annie started to say as she picked up a pile of books near the door.
“Annie, no!” Kate suddenly shouted and Annie froze, startled at the sudden raise in volume and animation from her normally subdued sister.
“I mean, I can do it. I need to do it. Please just let me do it.” Kate stammered, looking at her feet. Annie just nodded and put back down the pile of books, looking nervous, and then left the room. Kate sighed and mentally scolded herself. Annie had done nothing but help her and Kate repaid her by yelling at her. She couldn’t believe how awful she had just been to Annie and she didn’t know where it had even come from. She never raised her voice, she was
not known for a temper, so why had she suddenly lost control like that? Where had that burst of emotion come from?
Kate felt more confused than ever and so she sat down on the edge of her bed for a moment to collect herself. She pulled the photograph out of her pocket and opened her nightstand drawer. She found her Bible in the back of the drawer and dusted it off, she hadn’t used it in quite awhile. She opened it gently, as if it contained something delicate, and then placed the photograph between the thin pages. She returned the Bible to the far back of her nightstand drawer and then securely closed the drawer. She pushed on it again, just to make sure that it was definitely closed. She couldn’t take any chances of Annie seeing that photograph. She couldn’t let her sister see her like that again.
Kate looked around her room and realized that she wanted to finish rearranging her bedroom and she didn’t have too much left to do. She pushed her desk further down to the side and pulled pictures off of her wall. She laid out several picture frames on her bed and then started re-hanging them on different walls. After about an hour of redecorating and rearranging, Kate’s room was unrecognizable. It looked like an entirely different room with an empty slate and a fresh start.
Kate walked over to her closet and rummaged around in the back until she found an old sheet set and comforter that had been on her childhood bed. She didn’t know why she had never gotten rid of it, but she had always been a little sentimental. She made the bed up with her old sheets and blankets and breathed out in relief.
I can do this, Kate thought as she surveyed the room.
Kate heard a scratching noise and looked around, puzzled. She found the culprit when she looked over at her bedroom door and saw a furry little paw sticking under the door, trying to get in. Kate smiled and walked over to the door, opening it just enough to let her cat come in.
Boo ran into the room, clearly agitated that she had been shut out of any part of her house, she was the queen of her domain after all. She liked to think that she ruled everything there and Kate was probably just one of her servants, there to feed her and pet her. Boo became even more agitated as she walked into the bedroom that she no longer recognized. She sat in the middle of the room looking around and trying to get her bearings. She finally decided that she was okay with the change and waltzed over to the bed, hopped up, and circled around until she found a spot to curl up and go to sleep.
Kate watched her, feeling a warmth that she hadn’t felt in several days. Things felt okay for a moment. She didn’t know why but the redecorating created a positive spirit in the room that she could feel. There was only one thing left to do to make the room perfect. Kate walked over to the mirror still hanging on the wall, avoiding looking into it. She pulled it off it’s hook on the wall and then slid it underneath her bed. The girl in the photograph was going to stay in that photograph, Kate didn’t want to see that woman ever again.
Finally satisfied, Kate went over and joined Boo, climbing into bed and laying down to take the nap that she was supposed to take over an hour and a half ago. Pulling her childhood blankets up to her chin, Kate curled up in a ball on her side and fell asleep almost immediately with her arm wrapped around her furry and warm cat.
~~~~
“Kate, dinner is ready!” Annie was shouting from the kitchen. Kate roused slowly, hearing her sisters call. She yawned and pushed the covers off herself, slowly getting up. She felt very sore, having laid down for awhile must have stiffened her up and now she could feel all her bruises as if they were fresh. She moaned in pain and pulled some aspirin out of her nightstand drawer, quickly swallowing a few with some water from a bottle on her nightstand.
She walked out of the bedroom and joined Annie in the kitchen where two plates of hot pasta were sitting on the table, steaming and smelling delicious. Kate hadn’t been hungry until she smelled her sister’s cooking and now she was famished. She sat down and immediately started shoveling the pasta into her mouth. It tasted even better than it smelled, she couldn’t believe that she had only been eating gross hospital food for several days.
“Don’t choke, jeez. You look like a wolf attacking it’s prey, girl!” Annie chastised her sister half heartedly. Kate blushed and slowed down, looking up at Annie.
“Sorry, it’s really good. You have outdone yourself.” She complimented her sister’s cooking, especially knowing that she didn’t have a lot of experience cooking chicken and yet this chicken was juicy and perfect.
“Did you expect any less? I am pretty fabulous.” Annie chuckled and enjoyed her dinner as well.
“I think I am going to take the train back in the morning if you are okay with that. I really do need to get back to work. If you really need me to stay though, I will.” Annie told her sister while they both continued to eat. Kate knew that she would miss her sister and that she did really need her there. She wasn’t sure that she could handle being alone, especially being alone in this apartment. She knew that Annie had sacrificed enough though and she knew that the right thing to do was to let her sister go.
“Of course. I will be fine. You are only a phone call away if I really need something.” Kate shrugged nonchalantly, trying to sell the act that she was performing for Annie. She didn’t want Annie to feel guilty for leaving and she wanted her to be able to get back to her life and feel good about doing that.
“Annie, you have done so much for me the last few days. Believe me, I will be okay from her on out. I will call Derrick tomorrow and I am sure he will help me if I need anything.” Kate continued, trying to reassure her sister. Annie nodded, seemingly convinced. The sisters changed topics to Annie’s job and talked all about the different people that she worked with. Annie always had interesting stories to tell about her different jobs and the different crowds of people she associated with. It was a welcome distraction and Kate enjoyed spending a final evening just talking with her sister and catching up, as if nothing terrible had happened and this was just any other visit. A few moments of normality.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Annie had left almost as soon as the sun came up on the first morning train, it was the cheapest fare and so Kate had encouraged her to go with that one. She had walked her to Union Station and said goodbye, then slowly walked back to her apartment which was about twenty minutes away on foot. She was okay with the walk though because the air was crisp and clean and the city was still quiet in the early morning hours. It was calming and focusing for her to feel the wind on her face and the chill tingling her bones.
About half way through her walk, she walked past the Java Jolt and thought about going inside but she was afraid Derrick was in there. She couldn’t explain to herself why she didn’t want to see him but she just wasn’t ready. She hadn’t heard from him at all since he ran out of her hospital room like his coat tails were on fire. Kate wasn’t sure if she was hurt or if she was angry because her emotions kept ping ponging from one extreme to the other every time she thought of him. This is the man that she loved and who she thought loved her but in less than a few minutes, everything between them changed. Where was the man who picnicked on the beach with her, left rose petals on the bed, walked her to work everyday, and held her tight almost every night?
~~~~
Derrick had called out of work two days in a row stating to his boss that he was sick, but in reality there was nothing physically wrong with him. He couldn’t bring himself to actually walk out his front door, instead he decided to barricade himself from the world. He didn’t turn on his phone, didn’t go on his computer, and he didn’t even turn on his television. He slept and read some books, worked on case documents that he had brought home from work, and sat on his couch staring into space.
He was lost. He didn’t even know where to begin to get back on track because he didn’t know how he had gotten so far off path. It was early morning now and Derrick knew that if none of the events of the last few days had occurred, he would be meeting up with Kate at the Java Jolt right about now. They would be smiling and chatting up a storm
, oblivious to any evils in the world because they were so wrapped up in each other. Instead he was at home sitting on his couch wide awake staring at the wall, wearing the same t-shirt and sweatpants he had been wearing for two days.
He grimaced and closed his eyes as he thought of how he ran out of Kate’s hospital room. He was ashamed of himself for acting that way but he couldn’t have responded any differently, even if he would like to think that he could. He had panicked seeing those words on the paper. Rape kit. Kate had needed a rape kit and she had looked completely beaten up, there was only one conclusion as to what had happened.
The woman that he loved and shared the most intimate parts of his heart and soul with had been exposed and violated. Somehow that made Derrick feel like his secrets and intimacy had been violated as well. Kate had violated that trust between them. Derrick shook his head at that thought, he knew it was wrong to even think that. This wasn’t her fault.
So why am I so mad at her? Derrick thought to himself, pushing his hand across his forehead and over his head in a self-caressing motion. His emotions were all over the place and that was not normal for him, he didn’t know how to respond. He usually was upbeat and light, things that were too difficult and too serious were pushed down and away, left unacknowledged. He didn’t know how to handle those thoughts and emotions so he refused to but there was no way to refuse the onslaught of pain and guilt that was currently raging down on him.
At first he thought it was residual anger from when Kate had stood him up for their lunch date. They had just gotten back from their vacation in which they had made their relationship exclusive and then she didn’t show up for lunch the next day. He had been furious when he couldn’t reach her on her phone and was sitting at the café alone.