He looks back over at me.
My shoulders drop as the weighty feeling slowly shifts off me. “Clara was right about me. I am damaged. Broken. And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to control it. I’m a mess.”
His features soften. He smiles. “It seems our demons have a lot in common. Maybe we can fix them up together. One step at a time,” he offers. “Maybe here and now, we can make a pledge to one another that no matter what, we won’t let the other give up or give in. We’ll push each other to stay in control and not fear who we are. Deal?”
“I can do that,” I say, feeling a small sliver of hope. Feeling a large amount of gratitude for the friend that he is.
“Do you trust me?” he asks, his golden eyes shining with honesty.
I nod.
“Good,” he says, sounding relieved. “So then trust me when I say that as you get to know me, your life will only get weirder.” He flaunts a huge grin. “Come on, mouse.” He pauses, waiting for my reaction. “It’s a fitting name, don’t you think?”
I cast my eyes to the ceiling.
“Let’s meet the others. I’m sure Jaxen’s chomping at the bit to know how you are and if everything went okay. I swear you have that boy whipped.”
I smile despite myself because he knows Jaxen as well as I do, and he probably is wondering… no… worrying about me.
“Let’s go settle his nerves then,” I say before nudging into him.
JAXEN’S PRESENCE ALWAYS HAS THE power to steal my breath.
I don’t have to search the weight room to find him. I find him naturally, habitually. His thick hands are wrapped around a bar above him, and his shirt rests on the ground next to him. My mouth nearly drops as he pulls himself up into the air again and again. Every muscle in his back individually ripples and tightens under the strain of his strength. His compacted biceps tighten as his chin crosses the bar pull-up after pull-up. Sweat drips down the hollowed line of his spine and onto the floor beneath him.
My mouth goes impossibly dry. My fingers tingle with a need to touch… to roam every part of his skin. Flashes of his lips on mine, his body pressed against me, spread heat along my skin. I’ve never wanted anyone as badly as I want him. I’ve never wanted to shove away all rationality just so I could lose myself in someone. Just so I could be consumed by fire, heat, and passion. By all the things that drive us to love and be loved back.
I jump when Cassie clears her throat next to me, having to shake my head just to remember where I am. What I’m supposed to be doing.
“Geez, Faye, I think I hear every one of your eggs lining up for fertilization,” Cassie says as she bumps into me with her hip. She’s wearing a playful smile, but it does nothing to stop the fire the licks across each of my cheeks. When she notices, she leans in and says, “My God, you haven’t yet, have you?” with her hand strewn across her heart.
I jerk back from the shadowed mockery in her tone. “Wha-what?” I stammer out.
An embarrassing bout of laughter belts out of her. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, looking to the ceiling. “Goddess, help me. You two are the most dysfunctional people I’ve ever met.” She grabs me by the arm and pulls me closer to her, leveling her gaze on me. “Listen, I’m going to give you a solid piece of advice. Maybe the best advice you’ve ever heard. Are you listening?”
I nod hesitantly.
“Maybe if you two got it on already, then you’d finally be able to focus on training.” She tosses her towel over her shoulder, walks away from me, and goes back over to the leg press machine where Gavin has finished sliding on the last of the weight.
I don’t know how to process what she just said. I don’t even really have a chance to because Jezi walks over to me, grabbing me by the forearm. She nearly drags me over to Jaxen as he lets go of the bar and lands lithely on his feet. I watch as he snatches up his shirt and wipes the sweat from his face before he turns around. I’m nearly tossed into his arms by Jezi by the time he drops the shirt.
“Hi,” he says with a small chuckle as his hands steady my small frame.
“What the hell, Jezi?” I say against his chest, my blood heating up. Irritation pricks at my fists as Jaxen’s arms wrap around me, pulling me against his slick muscles. I can barely contain myself as I take in his scent. Hard work, electricity, and leather.
“We all saw your simulation with Weldon,” Jezi continues, snapping me back to the present. “You’re not pushing yourself hard enough. We’re never going to get out of this godforsaken city if you don’t get it together.” She looks up at Jaxen as I move to stand beside him. “Tell her, Jaxen. Back me up.”
Jaxen’s lips press together, and a low growl sounds from the back of his throat as he sighs. “Jezi, how many—?”
I blow out a deep breath and cut him off. “No, Jezi, you’re pushing it,” I say through gritted teeth. I step up to her. Glare straight into her eyes. “I’m only one person, and I’m trying, so back the hell off.”
She crosses her arms. “I’ll back off when you do what we all know you’re capable off.”
“And what’s that, Clara junior?”
She glares at me and purses her lips before finally replying, “Kicking ass.”
I swallow the hateful words I want to throw back at her. She doesn’t deserve them. She means well in her own way, even if her own way is not the proper way to handle things. I bite the inside of my cheek.
“That’s not the real problem,” Weldon says as he glides over to us.
“No one asked you,” Jezi snaps without looking at him.
Not acknowledging her words, he looks between Jaxen and me, saying, “This simulation crap is the problem. It’s not real. You can’t expect her to learn anything, to learn her true abilities, when in the back of her mind, she knows it isn’t real. She needs real-life situations to push her.”
“He has a point,” Gavin says from the back of the leg press machine.
“But the point… won’t… change the fact that… we’re stuck in Ethryeal City… so long as Bael is alive… and Faye has a target on her back,” Cassie squeezes out between each press.
“Faye?” Weldon asks, his head dipped and his golden eyes set on me.
I really wish they didn’t always see me as this broken object that needs to be mended. As this poor, weak girl who needs a hand. An uncomfortable fever settles over my skin. I pull at the collar of my jacket. My mouth opens and closes as the words stuck in my throat jam into each other. I think my head shakes. My parents cross my mind. Clara crosses my mind. My uncontrollable abilities cross my mind.
It’s all too much. Too, too much.
“Excuse us for a minute,” Jaxen says as he takes me by the elbow. He directs me away from everyone and backs me into the farthest corner in the room. “It’s because of what we talked about last night, isn’t it? I sense your confusion. I see the wheels spinning in your eyes.”
I look up at him. Hold my breath.
His gaze softens and his hands find my hips. His touch is like glue, pulling me back together, keeping me whole and present. “You’re not concentrating, Faye,” he says lightly. “You’re distracted. You’re letting Clara, your parents, and every other problem you have take over your logic.”
“Something has to give, Jaxen. I feel trapped. Pent up. There hasn’t been any progress made, and I feel like I’m the center of that reason.”
He opens his mouth to reply, but his words are shadowed by Weldon’s.
“I’m picking up a scent,” Weldon says from behind us. “Something that smells a lot like ulterior motives. I sensed it when we were stuck in that poor example of a simulation. You might be standing here, but your mind is elsewhere, focused on someone else.”
Jaxen throws a look over his shoulder. “Weldon—”
Weldon holds his hand out, shushing him. “You might as well explain what’s going on because I’m no stranger to revenge. It’s Clara, isn’t it? You’ve finally put the pieces together? Seen past her glamorous lies?
”
“I think she’s the one who was behind the Witch you all killed,” I blurt out. I don’t flinch when Jaxen’s eyes widen. A weight lifts off my chest at admitting it, at directing the arrow in Clara’s direction.
Weldon’s smile is proud, almost boastful. “I wondered when that would be brought up. How did you put it together?”
“Wait a minute, you knew and you didn’t say anything?” I say.
“No, I had an idea,” Weldon corrects. “I didn’t say anything because we already have too much on our plate. But since you brought it up, fill me in. What do you know?”
I quickly explain what she said to me the day she tried to force me to take another’s life, and how it meshed with Jaxen’s story. He takes in every detail, listening with a plain face. I offer our plan to find evidence against her in between training for the mission, and then wait with bated breath for him to say something. For him to offer an idea to help us.
“Well, why didn’t you just say something?” Weldon says, opening his arms. “Who better to solve your problems than me?”
“How?” Jaxen asks, crossing his arms.
Weldon tilts his head to the side and drops his gaze on Jaxen. “I’m one with the shadows, my friend,” he explains, pointing to his chest. “I can get in and out of this city without notice. I have ears in the Underground. I can find whatever you need, be it a lead, or a good kick in the ass.”
Jaxen perks up. Drops his arms. “You’d do that?”
Weldon’s face flattens. “No. I’m lying.” The corner of his mouth lifts up. “Of course I would,” he says with a short chuckle.
“I want to go too,” I say quickly.
They both look at me and say in unison, “Absolutely not,” but in Weldon’s golden eyes, I see the hesitation. He’s open to the idea if I put up a fight. If I show him that I’m really ready.
“Yes,” I say firmly, jutting my chin out for added measure. “It’s my idea, it was my parent’s mission, and I was the one wronged by Clara. I’m going. When can we start?”
Weldon chuckles and looks at Jaxen with raised eyes. “Boy, are your hands full.”
Jaxen doesn’t look amused. Not in the slightest. He drops his tone and moves inches away from my face. “I said no, Faye. It’s too dangerous.”
I flinch back. Since when did I become an object to him? A child under his care? “You’re not my boss,” I say hotly, glaring up at him. I match the intensity in his eyes. “And I’m going, with or without your permission.” I flick my gaze back over to Weldon. “Can we start tonight?”
He looks far too amused. “Sure,” he says with a haphazard shrug.
I think Jaxen might punch Weldon. He vibrates from head to foot. His fists clench tighter and tighter until the skin is so pale I think it might split.
A small part of me feels bad… almost selfish… but he has to understand. I can’t pass this up. I can’t just forget. As I reach for his arm, I half-expect him to yank away from me, but he doesn’t. His muscles tense and his eyes bore into mine.
“I have to do this,” I say, remaining firm. “I need to.”
Seconds dart around us as if they’re playing a game of tag. I can’t catch them quick enough. I can’t guess what he’s going to say next, and I refuse to pry into his mind to find out.
Finally, he sighs heavily and his shoulders slope down. “I know you do,” he says before looking away from me. “And I have no right to tell you otherwise. I just-I just worry.”
I lean in on tiptoes and kiss the side of his mouth. Kiss his lips. Kiss every part of me into him.
“What are you lip-locking fools talking about?” Gavin shouts from across the room.
Jaxen groans, and then takes my hand in his, pulling me back over to the rest of the crew.
“Here’s the short version,” Cassie says as soon as we approach. “They plan on sneaking away to find evidence against Clara.” She looks directly at me. “I told you to shield your thoughts, Faye. I taught you how to not project for other Witches to pick up on.”
I exhale loudly. Cross my arms. She’s always going to point out how unprepared I am.
“There’s no way. Not until she has her powers under control,” Jezi says.
“No one asked you,” Weldon retorts in a mimicked, high-pitched voice.
She rolls her eyes.
“Weldon’s right,” Jaxen says, wrapping his arm around my waist. “No one can truly learn in a computer simulation. She needs real-life situations. She needs something to really push her into triggering her powers and using them.”
“So, what do you suggest?” Gavin asks, wiping his face off with a towel.
Jaxen looks down at me. My pulse pounds in my wrists from the austerity in his gaze. Whatever he has in mind, it isn’t going to be easy.
“Hunting,” he says, and then pulls me out of the room.
“ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE UP for this?” Jaxen asks as I set my father’s flux on my desk.
We’re supposed to meet everyone in thirty minutes at the park by Cecilia’s statue. The minutes can’t pass soon enough. But when I turn around, I find him sprawled across my bed, looking too delicious not to notice. The hem of his shirt is hiked up a little, exposing his bare, chiseled stomach.
I wonder if he even knows the effect he has on me. How so little of him can dissolve my self-control into thin air. How being with him is like taking a huge breath for the first time. Like floating on a soft pillow of clouds without fear of falling. Like diving deeper than you’ve ever gone before and discovering that you don’t need to surface for air because all the oxygen you’ll ever need is in his kiss.
He’s a paradise I never want to leave.
I can’t help but hear Cassie’s laughter. Her taunting words of truth.
We haven’t had sex yet, and I’m not quite sure why because every fiber of my being screams for him. Begs for his body to be one with mine. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. And maybe that’s what my problem is. Maybe if I could get some of this pent-up anxiety out in the right kind of way, if I could finally have one thing go completely right for me, then maybe everything else wouldn’t weigh so much. Because the tension’s always in the air, always waiting for the moment we finally provide release.
One of us has to make a move.
With a deep breath, I make my way over to the bed and sit. My mind’s racing, over thinking every possible outcome. The air is impossibly warm. I feel a flush building under my skin, just thinking about being with him. Just thinking about his lips on mine. His body touching mine. His words filling every open part of me.
Don’t think. Just act, I tell myself.
I lift my hand, my fingers shaking slightly with anticipation. I stretch forward, craving his skin like he’s the sun and I’m the flower, and if I could just get close enough, if I could just reach far enough, then maybe I could finally know what heaven tastes like. What satisfaction truly feels like.
His muscles clench when I touch him. His eyes deepen in understanding.
“I’m ready,” I say pointedly, daringly, trying to steady the uneven pace of my chest. The words rush past the security of my lips, and it’s freeing… liberating even.
He blinks, barely breathing, and nods.
Locking eyes with him, I lay back until I’m propped up on one elbow, staring down at him. I can hardly breathe. My heart’s on overdrive, pumping anticipation and courage to every nerve ending in my body.
I’m really going for this, I tell myself. And he’s not stopping me.
I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry because the reality of this is so overwhelming, so all consuming, that I can’t believe it’s really happening. And I don’t want to screw it up.
I run my hand over the stubble on his face. Close my eyes when his fingers find my waist. I scoot toward him, slowly, bringing my hips so close to his that I feel the heat beating off his body. My heart palpitates when he licks his lips, when I realize that all the control I thought I had when I laid down
has been willingly surrendered to him, because it’s his hands that take control. It’s his eyes that tell me that what’s about to happen is something I’ll never forget.
He reaches up and traces the lines of my lips, ever so gently, likes he’s trying to memorize their shape. A trail of fire is left in his wake. Slowly, he drags his finger down the slope of my neck. Over my dip of my collarbone. Down the center of my chest.
I’m sure my lungs have given up on me because the only part of me functioning properly is my heart, which pounds against my ribs.
All I feel is his touch. Only his touch. I want him to keep going. Keep exploring. Keep moving us further to the one place neither of us has been.
He bites his bottom lip as my skin quivers, and his eyes fill with a dark desire that sends my mind spinning. He leans forward until I’m lying flat on my back, bringing his lips inches from the flesh of my neck. I turn my head just enough, granting him access. Begging for him to. The warmth of his breath sends shivers down my spine. The closeness of his lips ignites fires in all the places I yearn for him to touch.
“Is this what you want?” he asks, running his thumb over my lips. His husky words are a breathless, shaky whisper that pours pure electricity into my limbs.
I nod because I’m too paralyzed with want to speak. Too desperate for him to keep going. I’m burning up on the inside, and only he can put me out.
He licks his lips again, and then presses them lightly against my neck with such delicate precision. A small cry erupts past my lips as his tongue flicks against my skin. There isn’t a nerve ending in my body that’s not in tune to what he’s doing. That doesn’t feel his other hand roaming down my side.