Alex couldn’t even keep his wings in anymore. They were patchy and frail looking. Feathers were strewn throughout the house.
Alex finally looked like the terrifying being Cole had become, just with gray eyes instead of black.
As per Sal’s wishes according to her will, Sal was cremated and her remains were given to me in a beautiful black urn. I dressed solemnly that morning, black feeling so fitting for the day. At six in the morning, there was a soft knock on the door and as I stepped into the living room, Emily and Amber walked in, just the two of them. Emily moved with care, obviously still tender from the surgery. I hadn’t dared leave Alex to go pick her up. Amber had agreed without a fight.
We didn’t say anything as I gathered what was left of Sal’s physical body. Emily and Amber’s eyes both grew wider as Alex stepped out of our room, his wings exposed, the truth of what he was undeniable.
“Oh Alex,” Emily breathed, crossing the room to wrap her arms around him. He simply squeezed his eyes closed and hugged her back. Amber just stood there, eyes wide and frozen. I couldn’t blame her. I felt like that too sometimes.
“Let’s go,” I said, my voice raw. “Before the neighbors wake up.”
Without waiting for a response, I opened the front door and stepped outside into the misty October morning.
We all silently made our way up the hillside. The ground was slightly slick with the morning dew and all the mist. The dense evergreens around us felt warm and cold at the same time. Something about that mist that hung low to the ground made the moment not feel real, like this was a scene from a movie and this was the solemn part where a single choir voice would sing out a high-pitched, sad sounding note.
Light shone on the peak we hiked to, the sun casting shadows on the ground that added to the surreal feel of that morning. We gathered on the rocky top, each taking in the view that dropped away back to the lake on one side, the other side spanning out to the ocean and the islands in it.
I clutched the urn tightly to my chest, feeling like if I loosened my grip I might just finally break down. I was already filled with too many cracks, if I let the sand start to leak through one of them, the entire spider-web would shatter.
“Sal was one of the most innocent people I knew,” Emily said, always the clear-headed one in situations where I couldn’t be. “She was always so sweet and always honest. I have been lucky to have been able to call her my friend.”
It was quiet for a moment then. I couldn’t seem to make my eyes move from one of the islands out in the water, not really seeing anything.
“Um,” Amber cleared her throat, her voice sounding slightly uncomfortable. “I didn’t know Sal well, but she was a good person. You can just tell that about people sometimes. Sal was a beautiful being.”
Alex’s arm came around my shoulders, his wings brushing against my back. “Sal was genuine,” he said, his voice coming out strong and clear. “There are a lot of fake people in this world and a lot of people pretend to be something they are not. But Sal wasn’t one of those people. I always appreciated that about her, not that she could have been different, but it’s always nice to know that someone isn’t saying one thing to you and thinking another. Sal was real.”
I closed my eyes, feeling as if everything inside of me was sinking into my feet. A single tear broke from my eyelashes and rolled down my cheek. I felt the cracks spreading inside of me.
Alex squeezed his arm tighter around me, pressing his lips to my temple. “You don’t have to say anything,” he said quietly. “We all know you loved her. Sal knows you love her.”
Emily came to stand in front of me, placing her hands on the urn. “It’s time sweetie,” she said softly. A light breeze picked up off the ocean, pulling her curls around her face. I stood there, looking into Emily’s eyes for a moment, squeezing the urn with all the pain inside of me. But finally I nodded my head, and let her take Sal from me.
Emily took the lid off and carefully, turned it on its side.
Slowly, the pieces of Sal’s left behind body were carried away down the hillside on the wind.
When the urn was empty, Emily replaced the lid, and then hugged the porcelain herself.
“Sal saw things for what they were.”
Everything inside of me stilled at that voice. Everything about that accent, the timbre of it, the tone of his voice brought back a flood of memories and emotions.
Everyone turned at once. And there he was, standing on the hill top, back in the world of the living.
“Cole,” I breathed.
His black eyes seemed alight, reflecting so many emotions I felt fanning out inside of me.
“She saw me for what I was,” he said, his voice low.
“How?” I said, my voice not fully wanting to work.
“I don’t have long,” he said, his again flawless looking face almost pained looking. “A few minutes. If they realize I’m gone I will for certain lose my position on the council.”
It wasn’t until then that I thought to look at Alex. But I was surprised when I looked at him that he seemed controlled. His face looked wary, but he wasn’t seething as I had expected.
“What are you doing here?” Alex asked, his voice careful.
Cole met his eyes, his face a mix of the old jealousy and sadness. “You feel like hell, don’t you?” he asked.
Alex simply nodded.
“I came to tell the two of you the time is coming. Quickly. I would be surprised if you have two days left. Probably shorter.”
“Is there anything else we can do?” I asked. Cole’s words from a few months previous echoed in my head. If they can’t claim you, what are you willing to do to save him?
“Pray for a miracle,” he said, his voice sounding as defeated as my thoughts felt.
We both stared at each other for a long moment. Everything inside of me felt knotted up, such a tangled web of panic, determination, despair, fading hope. I would never be able to distinguish all the pieces of me again.
“You’ve grown so much, Jessica,” Cole said, something in his eyes softening. “When I told you to fight back I didn’t expect this. I understand now, just how much you really do love him. To go back to my world and fight for him like that.”
I slipped my hand into Alex’s.
And before our eyes, Cole’s skin started tightening, a few black veins rose around his eyes. He wasn’t lying when he said he only had a few minutes.
“There’s really nothing you can do for him?” I said, suddenly taking a step toward him.
“At this point I don’t think anyone but you can save him,” Cole said, the black veins rising on his face more quickly. He was decaying before our eyes.
I swallowed hard, feeling my hands start to tremble. It felt like they never stopped doing that these days. Everything inside of me started to quake, seeing Cole being pulled back into his world seemed to remind my body that was where it belonged now.
“Cole,” I said in a hoarse whisper. “What about Sal? Is she…” my voice cut out. It hurt too much to think of sweet, innocent Sal having to stand a trial.
“She’s in a happier place,” he said, giving me a sad half smile. I saw something flash in his eyes, similar to how the angels in the afterlife had reacted.
A tear slipped down my face then and I could only give a little nod.
“Use your time wisely,” Cole said. Glancing over at Emily, Cole’s eyes grew sad. “It was good to see you again, Emily.”
And then he was gone.
I could only hear the sounds of my breathing for a long while. The air flowed in and out of my lungs slowly, expanding and then contracting. The breeze had stilled, the world feeling silent and dead.
Not even realizing what I was doing, I had looked to the side and finally felt like I slipped back into my body when I took in Emily and Amber’s expressions.
Amber’s face was filled with nothing but pure horror. Her eyes were wide and distant looking, her jaw just slightly slack. But Emily’s eyes were f
illed with tears, her lower lip trembling. She looked absolutely exhausted. And her face was pale white.
“Let’s get you back, Emily,” I said, turning back toward the house. “You can’t be getting all worked up.”
“It’s happening again,” she said in a weak voice. “I’m having them again.”
“Having what again?” I asked, turning back toward Emily.
“The nightmares,” she half whispered.
I didn’t say anything for a moment, trying to make my brain process what Emily had just said. “That’s what Cole meant?”
Emily nodded. She then turned and pulled her curly blond hair from her neck. Her brand was freshly red and painful looking. “My first time back and I was branded.”
“Oh Emily,” I said, crossing the space and pulling her into my arms. “You know what this means, don’t you?” I squeezed her tighter.
Emily sniffed, nodding her head. “I’m neutral now.”
“It’s more than that,” I said, my voice sounding excited and finally hopeful. “You’re not condemned anymore, Emily. You have a wonderful future before you.”
She sniffed again, a breathy sounding laugh escaping her lips. She stepped away from me, wiping at her tears, a small smile spreading on her face. “You’re right,” she said. “And while this is terrifying, to know I’m going to go through this again every time I sleep, it feels good. It’s worth it. Just like Cormack said.”
“I’m so happy for you,” Alex said, stepping forward to join us, his smile both brilliant and pained.
“I’m not really sure what is going on,” Amber said. “But it sounds like having nightmares is a good thing. I guess I’m happy for you too.”
We all chuckled a little at Amber, everyone coming close together, and embracing in a very real and very needed four-person hug.
“We really should get you back,” I said to Emily as we released each other. With a nod from her, we all started silently back down the hillside.
Amber and Emily didn’t even come inside when we got back to the house. They both climbed in Amber’s car and pulled onto the road. I was relieved that they did, I heard Alex’s labored breathing the whole way down, saw how his feet seemed so unsteady on our unmarked path.
Alex was practically gasping as we walked through the doors. Before I could even say anything, he was suddenly in the kitchen, moving faster than a human ever could, and was pulling half of the contents of the fridge out, and a mountain of pots and mixing bowls.
“Alex,” I said, unsure of what to say. Because, really, what was there left to say?
He shook his head, his breathing still hard and sharp. “I need…” he struggled to speak. “I need to… make something. I need… to stay here.” He paused in cracking half a dozen eggs and braced his hands on the countertop, squeezing his eyes closed. His whole chest expanded and contracted as he took in mouthfuls of air. His wings trembled, the morning sun coming in through the window and reflecting off of them.
Alex no longer looked like something you’d read about in a romance novel. He was no longer perfect and glorious looking. He looked like something out of a horror movie. Like something from your worst nightmare.
In that moment I felt so selfish. It was obvious how much pain Alex was in. I had caused every moment of this pain. If he hadn’t have met me he never would have died at the age of only twenty-three, his neck snapped by a demented angel. He never would have become an angel himself, until it was his time at a very old age. He wouldn’t be holding onto reality with every painful fiber of his being.
Maybe it would be better for him to move on. All the other angels I had pleaded with said what a wonderful thing it was that awaited him. To be an exalted council member had to have its benefits. And it sounded like it was pretty much a guaranteed thing. I was keeping him from that. I was being selfish again.
But I couldn’t stop being selfish.
I couldn’t stop loving Alex.
I couldn’t let him go where I could never go permanently.
The phone suddenly rang, causing me to jump violently. Alex took one more deep breath, and moved back to whatever it was he was making. I numbly walked to the handset and picked up the phone.
“Hello?” I answered. Alex paused, watching my face as I listened to the voice on the other end. “Uh huh,” I said. Swallowing hard, I forced myself to answer the woman on the other end’s question.
“I don’t know if that will be possible,” I said. “I’m afraid my husband will probably be leaving soon and I’m not sure when he will be returning.” Alex’s eyes continued to watch mine. “Okay. Thank you.”
I hung up the phone and sank onto a barstool.
“That was the rehab facility,” I explained, Alex’s hands continuing their work.
“And?” he said, measuring out some flour.
“Caroline’s doing really well. They said she’s really progressing. She wanted to set up a meeting with you.”
“Oh,” was all Alex said, his hands pausing for just a moment as he placed my responses with the words the woman on the phone had spoken.
And I sat at the counter the rest of the day as Alex cooked a meal that would have fed fifteen people.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
I couldn’t do it that night. Everything in my head was telling me that I had no choice, that I had to go back, that I had to keep fighting, to keep pleading.
But I couldn’t do it. Everything inside of me was screaming against my brain. My entire being shuddered at the thought of having to go back one more time.
I just couldn’t do it that night.
The air was cold and damp that night as I sat on the wooden swing on the deck. I could hear Alex inside, putting the remains of his cooking frenzy away. The wood planks below me were cold on my toes as I pushed myself slowly back and forth. Drops of dew were already forming on the seat around me, creating a ghost around my body where it warmed the wood too much for the water to collect.
I closed my eyes, tipping my head back against the swing. Breathing the night air in felt good. Yet I still felt like I was suffocating. So much of me felt dead.
The back door opened but I didn’t open my eyes until something light but large in size was placed on my lap. I opened my eyes to see Alex keeping my guitar upright and balanced on my lap. In his other hand he held his own guitar.
“It’s been a long time since you’ve played it,” he said, letting go of mine. He settled on the ground in front of me, crossing his legs, and letting his own settle in his lap. His eyes holding mine, he let his fingers start to pick their way through chords.
Something in me wanted to smile at this gesture of normality. Alex was right. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had played my guitar. I played so infrequently the last year or so that there wasn’t even a hint of the callouses that once covered the fingertips on my left hand.
Looking down at the strings, I placed my fingers on them. And then my other hand started picking at them, bringing notes out that reflected how I felt inside. Broken and lost.
Alex picked up with a fitting harmony, his notes complimenting mine but in a hopeful uplifting tone. I met his eyes as I continued to play, searching for answers there. But all I could think about was how the gray was soon going to be blue again, and I was never going to be able to see them.
It took a moment for me to realize my picking had faded away. Alex started to hum to his notes. After a minute I recognized the tune. Alex started to sing softly.
“You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life.
‘Cause sooner or later it’s over,
I just don’t want to miss you tonight.
And I don’t want the world to see me,
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken,
I just want you to kn
ow who I am.”
“The Goo Goo Dolls,” I said when Alex stopped singing, his fingers still moving though. “I’ve always loved that song.”
“I always kind of thought Iris described us,” he said, his eyes looking a little sad still. “It’s always been our song to me, I guess.”
“It’s perfect,” I said.
We were quiet for a moment, simply looking at each other. There were a million words that needed to be said between us, and all I wanted was a lifetime to say them.
“In case this doesn’t work,” Alex said, his voice sounding rough. “In case they take me, I just want you to know that I don’t regret one second of the past year. I would do it all over, every moment of it. It’s been worth it all.”
Feeling so still inside, I set my guitar on the deck and kneeled down in front of him. He set his own guitar aside, keeping my eyes. I reached my hand toward him, letting my fingers trace the blackness around his eyes. I let my hands drift to his lips, feeling their smooth surface.
“This can’t be the end,” I breathed, letting my eyes linger everywhere but his eyes. “Everything has just started for us. This can’t be the end.”
He didn’t say anything and I could feel his eyes tracing over every surface of my face, letting them trail down to my body. I felt my pulse quicken, electricity running under my skin. Alex’s right hand came up, trailing lightly along my bare arm. I traced my fingers along the edges of his lips, recalling how they tasted and felt against my own.
Alex’s hands went from my arm to the hem of my shirt, lifting it over my head. The cool air caused goosebumps to flash across my skin. He just looked at me for a moment, his eyes taking in every detail. And finally his eyes came back up to mine, his alight with love and anticipation. His hand came to my cheek.
“You’re perfect,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “You’ve always been perfect.”
A small smile crossed my lips then, and for the first time in what felt like a long time, I actually felt happy.
For that moment, being there with him would be enough to last me forever.