Aggie wiped her hands, then crossed her arms over her chest and leant on the edge of the sink. ‘I really don’t see what you can say to make this better. You’ve ruined a young girl’s life.’
‘No, I’ve saved the life of an innocent baby, and also saved the mother from a lifetime of guilt and an eternity of suffering. I am absolutely thrilled by how the situation has turned out and there’s nothing you can say that will change my mind about it. So you might as well stop sulking.’
He went to the table and sat down. Aggie watched as he foraged through the fruit bowl, discarding apples, oranges and pears, finally selecting a peach which he pressed to his nose, inhaling deeply. He gave a contented sigh and took a bite, closing his eyes as he chewed.
‘Luke . . .’ Aggie began but could not finish. He had finished the peach and was licking his fingers. She went to him, letting him put his sticky, dishonest hands all over her.
‘Maybe,’ Luke said, his mouth sliding across her collarbone, ‘maybe it would be best if we didn’t talk about my work or your work or –’
‘Anything at all.’
29.
Luke was woken on Sunday by dawn’s harsh white light. He watched Aggie sleep, counted the freckles on her arms, the lines around her mouth. He was physically exhausted, emotionally confused and spiritually bereft. He was terrified he would never be able to leave her side and terrified at the idea of being apart from her. And every time he touched her or even thought about touching her, his penis got so hard he thought it was going to burst out of its considerably chafed skin.
In three hours approximately one hundred Christians would fiddle with their hair and yank their ties, anxiously watching the empty pulpit and rectory door for signs of their wayward pastor; in four hours the gossip mongers would have him hospitalised or dead in a gutter or tied up in a basement. Already Belinda and the others would be searching for him, thinking, quite rightly, that almost nothing in the world would keep him away from his ministry.
‘I have to go, Ag.’
She moaned and reached for his arm, pulling it tight to her side.
‘I’m sorry. I have responsibilities. The sooner I face the music, the better.’
She opened one eye. ‘You’re expecting trouble?’
‘Certainly.’
She opened the other eye. ‘Because you took off?’
‘And because of where I took off to.’
Aggie crinkled her brow. ‘You’ll be in trouble for staying at your girlfriend’s house?’
Luke stroked her face. ‘My girlfriend. I like that.’
‘But they won’t allow it, right? They’ll make you choose. You’ll go back there and they’ll make you choose between your job and your whore.’
‘Ag, please, don’t –’
‘And as long as you’re with them that’s all I’ll be. Your whore. Your fucking cross. I’ll always be the thing that’s dragging you down, the thing to be ashamed of, to regret.’ She sat up, pulling the sheet over her breasts. ‘I realise that this weekend represents the low point of your life. You can hardly wait to get out of here so you can start putting me in your wicked past.’
‘If you think that then you don’t know me at all.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, did I underestimate you? You’re going to take me to church with you and introduce me around? You planning a romantic proposal sometime soon?’
Heloise would not marry Peter Abelard. She knew that a belated wedding would not confer respectability on their passion, nor would it negate their sinfulness. She saw marriage as a sham, something which would bestow her with a meaningless title and cause her to commit what she saw as the greater sin of dishonesty. God is my witness that if Augustus, emperor of the whole world, thought fit to honour me with marriage and conferred all the earth upon me to possess forever, it would be dearer and more honourable to me to be called not his empress but your whore.
But Aggie was not Heloise. She didn’t understand that having wilfully entered into sin, he could not ever mock God by pretending this union was sanctified by Him. Worse would be the dishonesty between the two of them: the pretence that making a marriage vow was the ultimate commitment when Luke had already sacrificed eternity for her. But to her, eternity was a construct, a fantasy. So too, then, was his sacrifice. She would never understand.
‘I promise you, Aggie, I will never, ever disown this. But I can’t just walk away from my life and not look back.’ Luke got up quickly, stood leaning on the bedpost for a moment, dizzy with the blood rushing to his head, and then got dressed in his freshly washed but unironed clothes while she watched him and wept.
‘Are you ever coming back?’ Aggie asked.
‘Of course I’m coming back,’ he said, sitting on a chair in the corner to lace his shoes. ‘I just don’t know under what circumstances. I have to assess the situation.’
‘Please, Luke, I can’t stand the thought of you back in that place. Just stay here with me. Please?’
He wondered when he had become the kind of man who could make love to a woman and then leave her to sob like her heart was breaking. There was an old Jewish proverb he liked to quote to the kids: The thief who finds no opportunity to steal considers himself an honest man.
Perhaps he had always been a weak and selfish man; perhaps he had just never before met the right woman.
30.
Pastor Riley, Pastor Graham and Mrs Berlotti from the Board of Elders, Kenny, Greg, Leticia and Belinda were waiting for him in his bedroom. Luke remained in the doorway. ‘This door was locked,’ he said, addressing Pastor Riley.
‘Kenny was kind enough to unlock it for us.’
Luke turned to Kenny, who shrugged and looked at his feet. ‘Right. Why?’
‘We were worried, Luke,’ said Belinda, who was sitting on his bed, her feet tucked up under her. Beside her, Leticia stared at the bedspread. Greg had his back to the room, his forehead resting on the window frame.
‘I’m very sorry,’ Luke said, forcing himself to step fully into the room. ‘I have no excuse. I’ve been thoughtless and irresponsible, and I hope you can all forgive me.’
‘What exactly are you asking us to forgive you for, Pastor Butler?’ said Pastor Graham. ‘For all we know you have been just this morning released from hospital and it is we who should be asking forgiveness from you.’
Luke nodded at Pastor Graham. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t clear.’ He glanced around the room, locking eyes with each of them in turn, except for Greg who was still facing the window. ‘I had some personal business to attend to. I am sorry that I did not inform my colleagues of my intention to take leave, and I am sorry that I did not contact the Church to advise of my absence. I am deeply sorry for any distress and inconvenience my absence has caused.’
There was a brief silence, followed by Pastor Riley clearing his throat. Luke looked at him questioningly. Pastor Riley rubbed his glasses. ‘And the nature of this personal business?’
‘Well, that’s personal. That’s why it’s called personal business. Because of its personal nature.’
Leticia giggled and Belinda shot her an annoyed look.
‘I am not amused by this, Luke,’ said Pastor Riley. Pastor Graham nodded his agreement. ‘For a Christian Revolution minister there is no such thing as personal business.’
‘Then I also apologise for having personal business. I will endeavour to avoid having any in the future.’
The pastors and Mrs Berlotti exchanged glances. ‘Your attitude strikes me as rather flippant,’ Pastor Riley said. ‘Perhaps you don’t understand the gravity of the situation.’
Luke was tired. He wanted to crawl back to Aggie’s bed and sleep all day.
‘Pastor Butler.’ Mrs Berlotti addressed him for the first time. ‘The Elders have ordered your immediate suspension pending a full investigation into the allegations against you.’ Leticia began to cry. Belinda tut-tutted and patted her shoulder. Luke began to count to ten. Mrs Berlotti continued: ‘Kenny Driscoll will act as Senior Pastor in the interim. You
will continue to be paid during the investigation and your residential arrangements will be unchanged. You will, of course, be expected to co-operate fully with the investigation. If the allegations are found to be true –’
Luke reached ten. ‘What are the allegations?’
Mrs Berlotti narrowed her eyes. ‘If the allegations are found to be true then the Elders will decide on disciplinary action. You should be aware that the maximum penalty is expulsion.’
‘I’m aware. What are the allegations?’
Pastor Riley stood, scraping the chair against the tiles. ‘Belinda, could you please take Leticia out of here?’
Belinda sat up very straight. ‘I don’t see why –’
‘Greg and Kenny are leaving too. I thank you all for your assistance, but this is now a matter for the Elders.’
With much sighing and heavy placing of feet, the junior pastors left. As they filed past Luke, only Greg met his eyes. He smiled for a split second, then was gone.
It was alleged, Mrs Berlotti informed him, that he had been sexually intimate with a person to whom he was not married and that when his superior asked him about this relationship, he lied. It was alleged that he conducted this affair on Christian Revolution property, during Christian Revolution functions. It was alleged he supported the activities of the Parramatta Sexual Health Advisory Service, specifically, its abortion referral program. It was alleged he neglected his duties as Senior Pastor of Northwestern Christian Youth Centre by taking a leave of absence without permission or notice.
‘Will I have an opportunity to respond officially?’ Luke asked.
‘Of course. The Board will formally interview you on Monday, and conduct further interviews as necessary.’
‘Fine.’ Luke sat on the bed. ‘See you all on Monday, then.’
31.
Honey was thinking about running away. She knew this was a stupid thing to be thinking, because she’d never had it as good as she had it here. Three meals a day, hot water that never ran out, always someone to talk to when you’re freaked out or lonely, always someone to help with your homework.
But she was finding that being taken care of was like being dead. She just lay on her bed all the time now, staring at the ceiling or at the insides of her eyelids. She thought about the baby a lot, and sometimes she allowed herself to feel a bit excited about having a soft, clean little person who would love her and need her, but then she freaked out again because the poor little guy would be screwed from the minute he was born. Honey didn’t have the first clue how to be a mother. All the books Luke gave her talked about feeding and sleeping and bathing and crying, but she still didn’t know what you were supposed to do if you looked at your baby and didn’t love it. She was so afraid she would not love it.
And what if she did love it – loved it as much as the books assumed she’d love it – but it came out wrong anyway? What if it was retarded or blind or deaf? In birth, the cord could get wrapped around its tiny neck and it would turn blue and die before it even left her body. And say it survived the birth, and she loved it, and she brought it back here and figured out the bathing and the feeding and everything and then it got sick, cancer or something? She was so afraid of that, of loving it.
Now Luke was gone. She used to get annoyed at the way he was always in her face, lecturing about taking her prenatal vitamins and walking around the grounds an hour each day, and making sure to eat enough fibre. But when he was suddenly gone, for no reason, with no warning, with no explanation, Honey realised that if it wasn’t for Luke’s nagging she would probably just lie and look at the ceiling until she died.
‘Ah, Honey?’
Honey turned her head toward the door. ‘Greg, hey, what’s up?’
‘Can I talk to you a sec?’
‘Yeah. Come sit down.’
Greg rubbed his chin a few times, rocked back on his heels, coughed, and finally closed the door behind him and came to sit in the desk chair. ‘Luke’s back.’
The muscles in her thighs twitched with how much she wanted to leap out of bed and sprint to Luke’s room. ‘Oh?’
‘Yeah, he, um, he’s in some trouble with the Elders.’
‘Is he?’
‘But you don’t need to worry, okay?’
Honey pulled herself onto her elbows. ‘Why would I worry?’
Greg twisted his hands in front of him. He cleared his throat. ‘You’ll always be taken care of. Even if Luke . . .’
‘Even if Luke what?’
‘Even if he has to leave, you don’t have to worry, because I’ll take care of you.’
Honey lay back down and closed her eyes.
‘Okay, so I’ll leave you alone,’ Greg said.
‘Wait. Can you come and sit with me a minute?’
Honey heard Greg’s heels rocking, the throat clearing and coughing, two steps forward, pause, rock, cough. She lay still, her eyes closed, her hands over her belly. Greg rocked and coughed a few more times, and then Honey felt the mattress shift as he sat beside her.
‘I wonder where he was,’ he said. ‘Not that it’s any of our business, you know, but I just wonder what could make him take off like that.’
‘I wish I could take off.’
‘Honey?’
‘I want to go to Spain. My dad’s there, you know? In Granada.’
Greg exhaled loudly. ‘I didn’t know that. Have you ever been?’
‘I’ve never been anywhere.’
‘You should go. Granada is incredible. You can visit the church where Christopher Columbus prayed before he set out and discovered America. It’s really beautiful, even if it is Catholic.’
‘I think my dad’s Catholic.’
‘Well, maybe he’ll take you to the church. Then after that he could show you the Alhambra, this massive Arab palace. Then you can both go to the village square and eat tapas.’
Honey turned and looked at Greg’s hand on his thigh, right near her head. ‘He has this whole other family. I don’t think he’d have time for all that.’
Greg’s long, white fingers tapped against his thigh. ‘So you could go yourself, right? I went on my own, all over Europe. Man, that was a fun time. Except . . .’ His hand formed a fist, then relaxed and recommenced tapping. ‘I wasn’t saved then. I had fun, but it wasn’t right, you know? If I went back now, I’d do things differently. I bet I’d have an even better time now.’
‘When were you saved?’
‘It’ll be five years in December. I think I’d be dead if Luke hadn’t found me. Or I’d be sleeping under a bridge or something.’
‘We have that much in common then.’
His hand stopped moving. ‘We have more than that in common, Honey. We’re converts. It’s hard for the others to understand why that makes a difference, but it does. They were all born Christians; they haven’t lived in the world without knowing Jesus. They don’t know how hard it can be to forget all that, to change.’
‘Do you find it hard?’
‘Sometimes.’ Greg’s hand clenched and unclenched. ‘I would be dead if it wasn’t for Luke saving me. I have to always remember that.’
‘Luke says only Jesus changes hearts.’
‘Right. Jesus changed my heart. Luke showed me the way to Jesus.’
Honey reached out and took Greg’s hand. It froze and then fought for a split second before closing around hers. She lay still, looking at the strange fingers wrapped around her hand. ‘I miss Luke. I don’t know what I’ll do if he goes away forever.’
Greg let go. ‘We’ll be okay, Honey. I promise.’ He began to stroke her hair.
32.
Luke woke sweating. Opening his eyes he saw the bleak timber panelling of his bedroom wall and felt the desolation of missing her. It was two o’clock on Sunday afternoon, and he had no sermon to read over, no meetings to arrange, no teenagers to counsel or parents to advise. He stripped off his sweat-soaked clothes and stepped into the shower. That was all wrong too. How had he managed all these years without Aggie t
o wash his back? How come he had never noticed how big the shower recess was, how obviously designed to accommodate two bodies, a woman and a man, with interlocking parts?
There would be an investigation. They would ask him: Do you support the aims of the Parramatta Sexual Health Advisory Service? He would say no. They would ask him: Do you believe in the sanctity of life, specifically, do you believe that the killing of unborn children is evil? He would say, yes and yes. Then they would ask: What is your relationship with Agatha Grey? And he would tell them: She is mine. If you saw the way we fit together, you would have no doubt that the woman was designed especially for me. No document of church or state could make us any more married than we are. She is mine. I care not if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.
He combed his hair, dressed quickly in running shorts and a T-shirt. He picked up the phone and dialled Aggie’s number. He tried nineteen times, threw the phone onto the floor in disgust before he hit twenty.
He decided to do something constructive. Since the investigators would no doubt gather their information from every grubby little place they could find it, he better know what was out there. The Justice for the Unborn website was the obvious starting point and Luke decided to read everything they had on him and Aggie, and then he would go to her house and wait for her to come home.
The main building was quiet. Sunday was traditional worship only. Everyone was expected to go to at least one service, but the rest of the day was free for rest and relaxation. They would all be visiting their families or napping under a tree by the river. Luke felt a pang at missing his services, but he was pleased to have the place to himself. He got to his office unseen.
While he waited for the computer to fire up, he went through his desk drawers and removed the few personal items he kept in there: half a roll of peppermint lifesavers, a travel pack of tissues, a hair comb, the white leather-bound Bible he was issued after completing his missionary year. Then he went to the wall by the window and took down the framed ordination certificate and photograph.