He met her eyes again. “I wrote what I did, hoping we could… I don’t know. I was wishing that I hadn’t allowed myself to feel the way I did for you and wishing that it could go back to when we were just friends. I didn’t want to hurt you. I just didn’t know how to make it go back to the way it was before…”
Hayden shook her head. She needed to get her thoughts straight, to absorb all that she was feeling, to know if there was something that she wasn’t seeing. Brian held onto her hand not allowing her to retreat and when she looked down at his hand wrapped around hers she felt her emotions unraveling.
“I’m sorry Hayden. Don’t leave-”
She felt a shuddering sob and when Brian refused to let her go she covered her face with her free hand.
“I thought I’d messed up,” she cried. “I thought I had misread the signs. I thought I would never learn how to read the signs that were right in front of my face.”
Brian gently placed his hand on her chin until she looked up at him. He was shaking his head. “What I noticed about you is that you don’t read the same signs that the rest of us see. You are uniquely you.”
Hayden stared at him, making sure that she was seeing what was truly before her eyes.
Brian’s mouth tilted up into a soft smile. “And yes, it did take you a long time to see the signs. I sent you affirmations of love. I sent you messages about how wonderful you were. I freaking… hijacked your Sunday and you still didn’t get it!”
She laughed and reached up to wipe the tears that spilled down her cheeks, but Brian bent down and kissed one damp cheek and then the other until he had kissed them all away. The sudden onslaught of desire almost caused her knees to weaken. Brian’s lips inched towards hers, where he lightly kissed them. Her toes curled in her shoes when she heard his soft sigh of pleasure. His touch was very gentle; like a feather’s touch. Before long, his kiss deepened and became sensual when his tongue brushed hers and soon he was sucking her lips—first the top and then the bottom.
He pulled back suddenly, putting his hands on her shoulders, almost as if to hold her at bay.
“Sorry, I’m…”
She smiled. “Sorry?”
He shook his head adamantly. “No. Not sorry, but…” He suddenly smiled. “You know, you never answered me.”
Hayden thought back but didn’t remember being asked anything. She gave him a questioning look.
“You never said whether or not you’ll come over Sunday for meatloaf and smothered cabbage.”
She clenched down low. This was one of those hints that she hadn’t caught earlier. She returned his mischievous smile. “Well, I’ll come over if you really cook me some meatloaf and cabbage.”
He watched her lips as he gnawed on his own. She could see that it was taking all of his control not to kiss her again. She wished that his control was just a little weaker.
He inhaled deeply. “I’ll text you my address.” He finally allowed his hands to drop from her shoulders, and Hayden stood nearly swaying as their connection ended.
“See you tomorrow Hayden.”
She nodded, staring deeply into his eyes that she couldn’t seem to get enough of. “Goodnight Brian.” Then before he could leave, she gave in to her desire and placed her hands around his waist, leaned in and kissed him gently.
Brian’s hands immediately moved to the back of her head. His fist was suddenly buried in the thick mass of coils. “Oh damn, Hayden…” he muttered, “I think about you constantly.” His mouth claimed hers as his kisses became frenzied. Hayden grimaced nearly in pain at his words—and not just the words but also the honesty in them. He desired her, he wanted her, and he was falling in love with her.
Trembling, this time it was her that pulled back. He allowed his hands to drop but he continued to lightly gnaw his lip as if he missed the contact there. She didn’t say anything else as she turned gracelessly and headed for her car, hoping that she wouldn’t stumble because her legs didn’t seem able to work right now.
~Chapter 12~
NO PROMISES, NO LIES
It was the best week of Hayden’s life, despite the fact that she did things that most would consider tedious; however, she was now doing it with much more ease. She worked out each morning, pounding the treadmill in a steady jog—no intervals, just full out running. Then it was on to her first job, where she spent most of the day looking forward to going in to her second job.
She was making money hand-over-fist there and the new crew that she trained were fast learners. Unfortunately, one woman had already quit after learning about the new drug-testing policy and another had sold a re-run belonging to another employee. Hayden was just happy that it wasn’t Abdullah’s re-run because that would have just been too ironic.
After thinking about it long and hard, Hayden made the woman return the commission, even though the guy it rightfully belonged to sheepishly told her to keep it. Then after that, it was pretty clear that Hayden had made a new enemy of the woman—at least until the woman discovered that the boss’ son had the hots for Hayden… The money was great of course, but the real highlight of her day was seeing Brian. However, there was little time to do much more than exchange brief greetings. With their backlog of work, neither took the time to eat dinner in the canteen and just ate separately at their desks between calls.
He stopped at her desk whenever possible, but it was obvious that he wanted to be kissing her and not just talking. He continuously asked her if she was still coming for dinner Sunday, and she had to assure him that she was looking forward to it. She didn’t mention the fact that Saturday she was going to be meeting another man.
It was a terribly screwed up situation, but one that she couldn’t change now without damaging her friendship with Dani. Hayden didn’t realize just how much her new lifestyle had affected her friendship. She explained all that had happened from the drug bust to Brian’s admission of love, her face showing how thrilled she was about the new romantic path that she was taking. Hayden was ready to speculate about interracial dating and how wonderful kissing Brian had been. She was also ready to explore why he felt the way he did for her and why she felt the way she did for him. Unfortunately, the conversation had just gone sideways.
“Oh my God… this is unreal.” Dani looked floored.
“Dani… I think I’m falling in love with Brian.” Hayden’s face filled with an impossibly large smile.
“Hayden! What about my friend Sean? I mean, I already invited him to a barbecue Saturday and I’ve been talking you up like crazy. He was really looking forward to meeting you!”
Hayden was surprised into silence. How could Dani honestly be talking about this guy Sean when she was telling her that she was falling in love? Alright, so maybe it wasn’t love—maybe it was something different, but she wanted to at least talk about that possibility with her friend. What did Sean have to do with anything when Hayden had found someone that she connected with?
Hayden raised her hands. “I’m sorry Dani. I don’t need to meet Sean when I’m already interested in Brian. Besides that, I told you that I’m working Saturday-”
“Fine.” Dani threw up her hands. “Forget it, just forget it,” Dani said before she angrily gathered up the remains of her uneaten lunch.
“Dani-?”
Her friend shook her head. “Hayden, am I just some interference in your life? Because you treat me like you have to deal with me. I’m not even talking about the fact that we barely hang out anymore, that you don’t call me, and that I can’t call you, but even when we’re taking breaks together, you’re not even here.”
Hayden’s mouth parted. How could Dani be saying this when she knew what Hayden’s schedule was like? Anger at her friend’s selfishness began to build within her.
“Hayden, I miss you,” Dani’s eyes sparkled. “Where are you? You’re not here. You think I can’t see that you’ve pulled back from me? I do want you to meet Sean, but the biggest thing is that I just want you to come to the barbecue because I miss h
aving fun with you.”
The anger that had been building suddenly receded at the sight of Dani’s honesty. Yes, Hayden had retreated and she hadn’t trusted their friendship enough to talk to her best friend about how she was feeling. Hayden sighed.
“It’s not you Dani. It’s me. I didn’t know that I was doing that to you.” Hayden looked into the air. It was hard to say the words that she was thinking, but she had to anyway. “In a way, I’m trying to save my life. I’m trying to find something in me that I can learn to love and respect, and day by day, I’m finally finding it.”
Dani touched her hand. “Hayden, you are a good person. You think that just because you look a certain way that it defines who you are, but you are better than that. Why would you let a man make you doubt who you are? MyKell was a user and this guy Brian, he might not be the same kind of user, but he’s got a questionable history-”
“Wait-”
“And a questionable future. You even said that he expected the Feds to still come after him. Plus he’s a heroin addict-”
“Ex-”
“Sweetheart, there is no such thing as an ‘ex’ when it comes to heroin addiction. You are always an addict that is just one needle prick away from falling back into it. You do realize that the need never goes away. It’s something that he will always have to fight.”
Hayden became irritated again that Dani wasn’t willing to listen… and then she realized that both of them were guilty of not listening. Didn’t she recently chide herself for shutting out her friends? She and Dani were her friends for a reason. So Hayden shut her mouth and she listened quietly and actively, despite how badly she wanted to jump up and defend Brian and her feelings for him.
“Hayden, we always go back to what we know. Now I know MyKell wasn’t a druggy, but he was a user. All I’m saying is that Sean has a lot going for him and at the very least; you could just stop by after you leave work. You wouldn’t have to stay long. Just meet him with an open mind, and if you still feel as if you aren’t interested, then no harm, no foul. So if there’s no attraction, then oh well.”
Hayden took a moment to digest her friend’s words and then she stared into Dani’s eyes. “Okay, I’ll come to the barbecue after work.”
Dani smiled.
“Because you’re right, we don’t hang out the way we used to and I miss that too. I’ll even meet Sean because he’s a friend of yours and you want me to meet him. But some of what you said to me was wrong Dani. When you tell me what I am, what I should see when I look in the mirror, and what I should feel, it means that I was right in not discussing my feelings with you.”
Dani gave her a surprised look.
“It means that you have no concept of how deeply I have grown to hate the person that I see in the mirror, and how much I hate being in my own skin. If that’s all it would take to fix what’s broken in me, then I wouldn’t spend every waking moment of my life fighting to be something else. So I don’t need you to tell me who I am. I need to be the one to tell myself this. With those affirmations that you think are so stupid, I have been learning to feel good about me again.
“And I was able to share those affirmations with a person who is learning to feel good about himself too. Whether we win, or whether we lose, we’re both more than our past mistakes. So as much as I appreciate how much you care about me, it’s not as much as I’m learning to care about myself.”
Dani was quiet for a while. “You’ve come a long way Hayden. I’m sorry and I’ll stop trying to make you into what I want to be.”
After a moment Hayden nodded and then she gave her friend a stern look. “And you will need to stop with the criticizing of a man that you’ve never even met. Now it doesn’t hurt me to go to the barbecue and meet Sean—but mostly because there’s a big steak involved. But I warn you that I’m pretty sure about my feelings for Brian.” Then a smile cancelled out Hayden’s scowl. “He’s the man I think I want to be with.”
Dani smiled too. “To be in love. I remember that feeling.”
“You get rid of Dante and you might discover it again.” Dani gave her a surprised look, but Hayden just raised her hand innocently. “I’m just saying.”
“Wow… I’m such a hypocrite, aren’t I?”
“We don’t generally see our mistakes as well as we see others’. Just keep being proud of you because that has been my goal since the beginning; to be proud of me.”
~***~
When the alarm clock went off Saturday morning, Hayden seriously thought about not going to the gym. However, she knew that the first time she made an excuse would just be the first step in causing all of her discipline to unravel. So she staggered out of bed, made an egg white omelet for breakfast, and then went into auto-pilot through her workout and preparations for her four hour shift.
It felt strange to drive into Fox Vinyl’s parking lot at 8:00 A.M. and on a Saturday. She figured that she could work until noon and then go shopping for something to wear that actually fit. Then she would hit the barbecue, meet Dani’s friend, and leave shortly after.
She walked to the office holding her new key, but the door was already unlocked and Brian, Abdullah and a few others were already present. When Brian looked up and saw her, he grinned and came over to greet her.
“You’re a sight for sore eyes.” He looked tired, but even near exhaustion he couldn’t hide the look of pleasure on his face.
“Oh? And why is that?”
“Because no one from the credit card company showed up today. I have to go there and take over and I don’t want to leave this place in the hands of,” he leaned in to whisper, “Abdullah.”
“What? You want me to be in charge? Where’s your Dad?”
“He’ll be here at noon. Hayden, he really needed the rest. He’s only been going home long enough to clean up and then he’s been sleeping in his office. But don’t worry, he trusts you. All you’d have to do is make sure that no one goofs around and that everything is running smoothly.”
She nodded in disappointment. “Of course I’ll do it… but I thought I was going to get to look at you all day.” She loved gazing at Brian, especially when she looked up and saw that he was already watching her. It made the day special and caused her to feel just like a teenager with a first crush.
Brian looked around quickly and then gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “I know honey. Me too. But I’ll get to see you tomorrow—and more importantly, I get a home cooked meal.”
“No. I get a home cooked meal. You get to cook it. Did you go to the grocery store yet?”
“Not yet, I’ll be doing that after work tonight. Look, I better get going. Text you later?”
“You better.” She smiled.
Four hours moved quickly with everyone taking advantage of the opportunity to make rapid calls and rapid sales. If not for the barbecue, Hayden would’ve stayed longer, but as soon as Mr. Fox arrived, she sent him a quick hello, which was also a goodbye email, and left. Then Hayden quickly headed for a department store that she had always found too expensive for her budget. However, this time she browsed for several outfits that she liked without even checking the price tags. As an afterthought, she also selected sexy underwear; things that she had always liked from afar but would not have been able to squeeze her body into.
She thought about Brian too, imagining him looking at her in them and her face grew flushed. Tomorrow she could kiss him again. Would she… have sex with him if things headed in that direction? She wanted to think ahead because she already knew that things would most definitely head in that direction if she had anything to do with it.
When Hayden arrived at Dani and Dante’s apartment later in the evening, she was dressed in a long, slimming, spaghetti strap sundress. She had taken a length of colorful cloth and tied it around her head which held back her naturally spiraling hair. It had grown in length and could now be stretched down to touch her shoulders before it sprang back to halo her head. She had placed a bit of makeup on for no other reason then whe
n she looked in the mirror, she actually liked what she saw, and knew she could like it even more with some lip-gloss and eye shadow.
When Dani answered her door, her mouth actually dropped.
“Hayden, you look… terrific!” Her friend grabbed her arm and led her inside. “Girl, Sean is going to love you!”
Out on the patio, Dante was standing with an extremely handsome man, and both were drinking beers. Dante did a double take and nearly dropped his.
“Hayden?”
“Hey Dante.”
“Wow, you lost a lot of weight!” Dani smacked his arm until his mouth clamped shut. Dante was attractive, built like a wrestler with light skin and eyes. He was also a little immature but despite their numerous problems, Dani thought he was too cute to let go. It was a mentality she understood well because it was exactly how she used to feel about MyKell.
The man standing next to Dante was on a whole different level though. He could have modeled men’s underwear with his tall, toned body. When Dani said that he was dark, she hadn’t lied. Sean was Morris Chestnut dark and he towered over her at well over 6’3” or maybe 6’4” – at the least. To say that he was handsome was an understatement. Dani had not exaggerated.
Sean’s brow lifted and he took her hand and shook it slightly. “Hi Hayden. I’ve heard a great deal about you. I’m Sean. Sean Crosley.”
“I’ve heard a great deal about you too.” She smiled. Strangely, she felt very relaxed and at ease. Back in the day, meeting a guy on a blind date was stressful and hellacious, and if he was good-looking, she was sure to make a total fool out of herself. Yet the conversation was easy, perhaps because although Sean was attractive, she wasn’t attracted to him. He was nice, attentive, smart and very good-looking, but her mind was on someone else.
Hayden was having a nice time and the steaks were perfect. Yet she couldn’t stop her mind from drifting. She wished that she could find a polite way to make a get-away and then she felt guilty about her anti-social attitude. It was at that moment that her cell phone vibrated and announced that a text message had been received – right in the middle of a funny story that Sean was telling.