“Come on Max! The ladies love the ballads!” Kai pulled us to the stage and slid a microphone into my hand. As I waited for the DJ to start the music, the impatient crowd quietly cheered us on. I searched the crowd for my failing confidence when my stare found Sam’s smile. It calmed me instantly as the music fell from the surrounding speakers.
“…HOLD ON LITTLE GIRL - SHOW ME WHAT HE’S DONE TO YOU…” I began to sing. Kai bounced to the music along side of me. The crowd knew the popular song instantly and began to clap along with the beat.
“…I’M THE ONE WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU…” I sang with a growing smile. As our impromptu performance became more and more popular with all the passers by, the little barbecue restaurant filled with more prying eyes, but the only pair that seemed to matter to me were Sam’s. They smiled at me from behind her blond locks. Asia’s steel blue eyes watched me closely, not giving any peek as to what lay behind them. She was the only one in the audience not swaying or clapping along with our song. Her beautiful face was fading. She watched as I sang but knew the truth. My songs were no longer just for her.
“One more!” a woman in the crowd hollered out. Kai slipped his arm around my shoulder in triumph.
“See Max…we still got it!” he cheered.
“Yup,” I choked as I watched Asia stand up from our lunch table. Her eyes called for me to follow.
“Lets do another one!” Kai begged. I shook my head no and slipped off the front of the stage. A few boos from the crowd greeted me. I watched Asia as she disappeared to the back of the restaurant and out to the street. Sam watched me closely as I passed her table. She slightly reached for me and it took everything I had not to reach back.
“Max…” she asked softly. I swallowed a giant lump down my throat and pushed through the wanting crowd to find Asia. The sky had already filled with grey clouds. When I found her outside I was prepared for the worst of her temper.
“Asia?” I called to her as I slowly walked up. She turned to me calmly with not even an ounce of anger in her face. She looked completely calm, completely still.
“Max, I’m leaving the island for a few days…maybe more,” she spoke soft and true.
“Why?” I asked, barely finding the word. Deep down I knew she was giving up, even if I couldn't admit it yet.
“I need to handle some things,” she said and glanced back toward Sam. My mouth fell dry with the island air.
“And so do you,” she finally warned. I froze in place as the first few raindrops fell on me.
“What?”
“Come on Max…what’s that saying…if you love something…” her voice broke a little.
“Let it free,” I finished for her.
She was leaving me. Asia would make the decision I had been wrestling with since I first set foot on this island over a year ago. The choice I wasn’t able to ever make.
“Asia please don’t leave,” I begged stepping into her. Her hands slid up to my face and traced over the lines of my jaw and then my lips.
“Max, I won’t be too far from you. I'm never too far away from you.” She tried to smile with her eyes welling up.
“Asia…”
“Ever.” Her hand fell over my heart that was pounding under my tee shirt. I couldn’t speak. I filled with total confusion. I knew I was being pulled toward Sam and our daughter but I still wanted Asia. My fires still needed her. I didn’t know what to do.
“You know that,” Asia finished.
“I think we need to talk about…” I tried to say, but her soft lips found mine one last time.
“Be good,” she warned with the rumble of thunder above us.
“Asia, don’t go,” I said with the pain of a thousand pinpricks flowing within my body. Her eyes found mine. Her tears cut me inside as she began to cry. I wanted to steal her pain away but I wasn’t strong enough. Her firm grip fell away from my chest and she fell into the crowd like a distant shadow. I stood motionless. I was a rock. Cold, still, and alone.
“Asia,” I swallowed. She was completely gone now and my fires cursed my very existence for letting her walk away. It felt like I was separating into two halves. My fire and my heart. I felt cold.
In the distance I managed to find Kai looking on as Asia disappeared into the sea of people. He watched as I broke under the weight of the moment. Slowly he followed my lead and searched through the crowd for Sam’s eyes. He found her expression devastating. She watched me with wanting eyes, completely oblivious to his thoughts and needs. It was obvious she could no longer hide from our love. Kai had seen that look in her eyes one too many times. He folded too, and his smile fell away. He looked back at me broken and then back at her. Even though she tried, her eyes could not hide her true feelings anymore. She looked miserable that she was hurting him but could not change what was happening.
“Oh no,” I gasped. I was in enough pain. The last thing I wanted was to hurt my best friend anymore than I had already done. His face found mine again and he set down his microphone on the table and nodded to me that he was throwing in the towel. Surrendering to the truth. Sam had officially left him for me, and now it was his turn. He was leaving me too. As my heart broke even more, he walked away from Sam and I, slowly fading into the crowded street. She didn’t even try and stop him.
“I surrender,” I signaled to her and crumbled with grief. She stepped toward me with her hand over her beating chest. The wind blew her long hair behind her like an angel. She looked so vulnerable, so beautiful. I wanted her love with all that I had but not like this, not this way. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hide.
I turned and walked back home. Alone.
Fearless - 25
~Fearless: Bryan Adams~
Saturday - 10:29 a.m. - November 25th.
I was on a mission. Today was my salvation. A day to start anew. A day to move forward. A day to be fearless. Asia had left me and in doing so given me the greatest gift. Freedom. It took me all night to realize that but when I did, I felt like I could fly. I’d be lying if I said Frank didn’t have more than a little to do with that.
“Looks like the weather has taken a change for the better.”
“I guess,” I shrugged, unsure. Frank leaned into me.
“When did Asia leave?”
I lowered my head, “Last night.”
“For how long?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe forever.” The words burned as they left my mouth.
“She was having an awful hard time adjusting to Madison,” he shifted in place with a small smile.
“Among other things…” I withered. He knew immediately what I meant, who I meant. He took a long sip from his morning cup of coffee before continuing.
“Samantha.”
“Yup,” I said quietly.
“Do you love her?” he asked me with his most serious face.
“Uncle, it’s not that simple,” I stalled.
“Do you love her Max?” His stern face never wavered.
“There’s so much too…” I tried in vain. He stepped into me and placed his old hands on my shoulders.
“Max Valentine, do you love Samantha Summers?” he asked with a warm smirk. I couldn’t run anymore.
“Yes.”
“Okay.” He reached into his pocket, removed and jingled his truck keys before my weary eyes. I filled with a nervous heat.
“Then go get her.”
University of Hawaii Maui College
I spent the last half hour driving back and forth through the college’s parking lot. I probably would have kept driving if it hadn’t been for the campus security guard. He was old, he was grumpy, and he was tired of me making circles in his parking lot. I pulled into a vacant spot trying my hardest to not make eye contact. I failed and caved to the weight of his distrusting eyes.
“By any chance can you tell me where the photography room is?” I asked as I hopped from the truck. The old guard grunted at me with a raspy huff. He shook his head disapprovingly and pointed over his shoulder
with his crooked thumb.
“Mahalo,” I smiled, uneasy. He slowly went about his business. I nervously followed his directions and made my way through the campus.
Standing outside the building where Sam was in her photography class, I let out a long hot breath.
“Well, here goes nothing,” I taunted myself and pushed open the large door to the classroom. It made hardly any sound as it stretched open. That’s when I saw Sam. Just 100 feet in front of me with her hair loosely tied up in a sloppy ponytail. The sun flickered off of it through the college room windows. She stretched her back in a casual white summer dress with tight jeans underneath it.
“Sam…”
Yesterday afternoon felt as if the world had slipped away from me but now it felt like the world was in front of me. All I had to do was have the courage to reach out and take it. It was time to forgive my past. It was time for me to be happy. It was time for Sam.
“Aloha,” I called out from behind her. She whipped around, startled, with giant green eyes that found me standing with my shiny black guitar slung along my back. Her face turned from confusion to anger. She began to mouth the word “what” but I stepped closer to her and continued.
“Please let me say something before anything else,” I demanded confidently. I took in a deep breath and smiled. She quietly smiled back at me curiously and nodded for me to continue. I shifted my posture, unsure. There were a couple of other students scattered throughout the classroom. They all stopped what they were doing and looked on wide-eyed. It made me crazy with nerves.
“I want to be happy. I want to not be confused anymore. I want to live,” I sounded like a Hallmark card but I didn’t care anymore. Remember Max, don’t think, just do. She watched me softly.
“When I lost my little sister all those years ago, I think I lost something else. Something you helped me find again. Hope.” I rubbed my sweaty hand along my shorts and took a small step closer. A few students held their breath in anticipation.
“I want you Samantha Summers,” I smiled. She took a slight step backwards causing me to push even more. I would not let her get away. Her classmates watched us even harder. I stepped forward again, running my fiery fingers through my hair.
“You,” I said forcefully and outstretched my right hand. My confidence had me feeling ten feet tall. She watched me from behind her falling hair with a cautious twinkle in her eyes. She slid some of that curly hair behind her ear. I loved when she did that. I nodded to her that it would all be fine. She hesitated for a second and I almost crumbled.
“Come on,” I nudged with a twist of my hand. Her eyes filled with an inner shine. She dropped the handful of papers she was scrunching in her hand and slid it into mine. The students cheered softly, causing her face to fill with rose, red color. I felt invincible. Her hand was slightly sweaty and trembling lightly. I squeezed her small fingers tighter, trying my best not to burn her with my overheated hand and walked her outside.
“Where are we going Max?” she asked as I continued walking us through the campus.
“As long as we do it together…does it matter?” I smiled over my shoulder. My pace quickened.
“It’s about time Valentine,” her little voice spoke. At that moment I let go of every hesitation I ever had. At that moment I soared. With her in my hand I was happy. I was unstoppable.
I was fearless.
~Hysteria: Def Leppard~
“Max…it’s beautiful,” Sam gasped.
“So, you like it?” I asked, excited.
I had walked her over to the other end of the campus where I had set up a makeshift picnic and movie. On the farthest school building, where there was the thickest patch of grass I could find, I had set up a blanket. It was stretched out in front of the wall with a tiny basket on the corner edge. Behind it in the grass was a stereo with my laptop and a projector. It was pointing toward the building wall, which I had covered in a long white sheet. It gently danced in the breeze. A sappy romance movie flickered along the front of the white sheet. A couple dozen roses were scattered around the entire scene. It was probably against campus rules and it took me most of the morning to set up but I didn’t care.
“Amazing. You set this up for me?” she gushed softly. I shook my head no and slid my hair from my face.
“For us.” I was so nervous. She walked up to the white sheet and caressed it with her hand. It rippled in the breeze from her gentle touch. Her eyes found me from over her left shoulder before she turned back around to me.
“School on Saturday huh?” I was making up anything to break the ice.
“It’s just my Photography Studies class. It calms me when…” she stalled.
“Go ahead,” I pushed.
“When things are stressful and life tries to throw you from the merry-go-round.” A wry smile found her lips. Merry-go-round. I’ve used that analogy once or twice. It was scary how alike we thought sometimes. Sam was so easy to understand, so easy to talk to. So easy to love.
“How did you know where to find me?”
“Your mom gave me the heads up.” My hands found the back of my neck, which was already beginning to overheat.
“I get the feeling that she’s still mad at me for leaving when I did. You know, not being there for you and Madi when I should have been,” I said, embarrassed. Sam enjoyed how uncomfortable I could get.
“Yeah…mom and dad had a huge problem with our situation for a few months but not now,” she tried to convince me but it wasn’t working. My smile faded away.
“She really does love you…she’s just a tad stubborn,” Sam laughed.
“I can’t say I blame her though…” I drifted off. She watched me cautiously. My mind raced back to the earlier conversation I had with my uncle about Sam and Madi. Frank had mentioned I should ask about Madison’s birthday. So, I did.
“I’ll never forgive myself for not being there for Madi’s first breath. I heard it was a little hectic.” I smiled nervously. Her eyes caught mine with a surprised wink.
“Ahh…you’ve been talking with Frank.” Her throat filled with a sweet laugh. She leaned into me and her hair tickled my nose.
“What do you wanna know?” a small giggle rolled from her lips.
“What happened?” I asked. She smiled and took my hand into hers.
“It was raining pretty hard and I didn’t want to go through Madi’s birth alone. I had been in and out of a slight depression while I’ll was pregnant. I needed some back up. Thank goodness for Uncle Frank.” She watched as I withered a little at her confession.
“He was amazing, even feeling the way he did,” she added. Her eyes never left my face.
“Oh.” It was all I could say thinking about his health issues.
“I was so scared that night. I was in so much pain…”
“Why didn’t you ask for the pain medications?” I interrupted. The thought of her in pain scared me. I should have kept my mouth shut though.
“I meant emotionally in pain Max. There was no need for medications,” she said tightly. I felt completely guilty and my foot tasted an awful shade of humble.
“Why not?”
“I’m getting to that,” she teased. Her tone hurt my feelings a little but I let it pass as I leaned in and listened closely.
“Yes it hurt when our daughter came into this world but only for a moment.”
“Huh?” I was lost.
“It would hurt at first but then the waves of pain would fade…quickly.” She watched as I struggled with her words. She laughed lightly and pulled me against her, placing her hands along my face. Her fingers slipped my falling bangs behind my ears. I still loved the way that felt.
“Max do you remember what you told me when you shared your secret with me in my bedroom? Remember when you sliced open your arm with the scissors?” she whispered. I immediately flashed back to that day when I opened up to her and told her my story, my past. I was so scared that afternoon. I remembered every detail of that day. The pictures along her
bedroom mirror. The smell of her blankets. The cold steel of the scissors I used to slice my forearm open. The look on her face as I healed before her shaking eyes.
“Every word,” I whispered back. Her smile grew bigger.
“Well, at first there was pain but then there was only the heat…” she trailed off and waited for me to put two and two together. My body temperature popped with the revelation. Madison healed her from the inside. She carried my secret. She had my gift of healing. Stupid me…I thought she was a future fire starter.
“Holy…” I gasped. Then like a flood, I was engulfed with images. Whenever Frank held little Madison he seemed to feel better, sound better…breathe better. When Asia cut her hand open at breakfast the other day, Frank took Madi into the bathroom with him and when they came out her hand was fine. She had wrapped it in a bloody hand towel but it was completely healed yesterday at the waterfall. Sam stood patiently waiting for me to find my way out of my fog.
“She’s really quite amazing,” Sam said proudly.
“That’s an understatement…”
“Well, after she came out, things kinda became dangerous.” She looked at me, serious. I was speechless.
“Frank lost consciousness in all the confusion, sending the nurses into double time. While they attended to him, the doctor had his hands full with me,” she sounded very dark.
“Sam?”
“I wouldn't stop bleeding once they took her from me. I was dying Max. In all the commotion I demanded that I get to hold her, no matter how much the room was spinning. At first the doctor ignored my demands but as things went from bad to worse with your uncle and I, he caved in. Quickly, he handed Madison into my arms as he scrambled to find the tools he needed to stop the bleeding. By then I was having trouble staying conscious and all I remembered was screaming for Frank. My arms filled with soothing heat and my vital signs improved instantly.” Sam watched me closely. I felt sick to my stomach. I had almost lost her and never knew it.