Roger shakes his head. “She’s worried about you. She tried to come with me to look for you, but I wouldn’t let her.” He smiles a little. “Actually, she kind of bit your mom’s head off when she apologized for you acting on your feelings.”
I rest my head against the fender and close my eyes. My mom felt the need to apologize for me. That’s great.
Right on cue, my mom enters the garage through the side door, Jamie and Leo trailing in behind her. And the first words to exit my mouth are, “I’m sorry.”
Sitting on the floor feels too vulnerable and exposed. I’m less dizzy and sick now, so I stand up again. My mom isn’t wearing the same scared-of-me look, which is something positive, at least. She assesses me and places a hand on my face.
“You look terrible…clammy and pale.” She shakes her head. “What happened?”
“I’m sorry,” I repeat. My throat is tightening again, my eyes burning. “I just thought…I thought he was going to hurt Claire. Like, really hurt her. And I got so…”
“Fucking pissed?” Jamie says, then he glances guiltily at my mom and mumbles an apology. “Seriously, T-Man, you should be pissed.”
Mom catches sight of my bloody knuckles, and her eyes go wide. “I’m gonna get some peroxide. For your hands.”
The second she leaves the garage, Jamie turns to me. “You know whose ass we need to kick right now? Fucking Luke Pratt.”
“What’s he doing making friends with some psycho?” Leo adds, picking up on Jamie’s thoughts like they’ve been conspiring over the last half hour or so.
Before I can open my mouth to comment on the guy being Pratt’s friend, Roger jumps in. “I think you’ve done enough ass-kicking for one night.”
“And,” my mom says in her warning voice as she returns with the peroxide, “getting a beating does not absolve someone of sexual assault. There are steps that need to be made…”
My heart flies. I look around among all of them. “Is that what happened? I mean, she said—”
“No,” Leo says firmly. “She doesn’t even know if he would have really hurt her. He tried to overpower her and she got away. That’s it.”
“I need to see Claire.” I don’t know who I’m talking to exactly, but someone needs to loan me a car.
“We’ll take you,” Jamie says.
I’m shifting back and forth the whole thirty seconds my mom is cleaning my knuckles. She looks like she wants to protest my leaving, but she must see that I’m not going to listen.
We head outside again, and before we can hop in Leo’s truck, Jamie comes at me, his arms spread wide. I take a step back, eyeing him. “Dude, what are you doing?”
“I’m fucking hugging you.” He doesn’t stop. He keeps moving closer. Jamie gets his arms around me and gives my back a huge thump with his hand. I pat his awkwardly. Over his shoulder, I glance at Leo. He shrugs like he’s as confused by this as I am.
Finally Jamie releases me. “We heard what you told Roger.”
I stop, my limbs frozen. A rock sits in the pit of my stomach.
“Dude.” Leo glares at Jamie.
Jamie throws up his hands. “What?” Jamie turns to me. “We were standing outside for a while before your mom got home and let us in. We didn’t mean to hear. We can’t just fucking pretend like we didn’t. And you should know that we know.”
I still can’t move or speak. This isn’t something I’d have told them. Probably ever.
Leo puts a hand on my chest. “Look, Jamie’s right, we were waiting outside, didn’t even know that you were in the garage until we heard you talking. But you know what? If you don’t fucking trust us to keep your shit quiet, then we’ve all been wasting our time hanging out.”
“Yeah.” Jamie nods. “What he said.”
After taking several deep breaths of ice-cold air, my limbs regain their ability to move and I’ve processed and accepted this piece of information. What the hell else am I supposed to do? “Okay.”
“Okay,” Leo repeats, dropping his hand from my chest. He leans against the truck, making it clear they have more to say. “We thought you had someone better than us to talk to. We knew you were dealing with shit, but we assumed maybe Haley…and then you weren’t with her anymore.”
“Then Haley told us she had the same thoughts about us,” Jamie adds. “That you were keeping things from her and telling us. She went on and on about how you trusted us more than her.”
“Then we figured out that you weren’t talking to anyone.” Leo shakes his head. “That sucks, man. We should have known. God, we fucking worshipped your dad.”
“Fuck that,” Jamie says, disgusted.
I’m speechless. I don’t know if I should be angry, embarrassed, or thankful. I think maybe I’m a little bit of each.
“I got issues, too,” Jamie says. “I make Leo sit down and listen to me bitch until I’m done.”
“By bitch, he means admit his infatuation with a certain student teacher,” Leo says. “And then he describes in great detail what he’d like to do with her if he could get her alone in the library or the janitor’s closet.”
“The library would be my preference. And this guy…” Jamie nods in Leo’s direction. “He tells me all about his man-love—”
“Do not call it that.” Leo shuts his eyes, clearly disturbed by Jamie’s vocab.
“Think I want to listen to that shit?” Jamie says. “But I do it because he’s my fucking friend. Well, not like my fucking friend as in the verb—but that’s what we do.”
I still don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything.
Jamie releases a breath. “We’re done with this feelings shit, right? I can’t take anymore tonight.”
Leo and I both laugh. Leo spreads his arms open to Jamie. “Wait, let’s hug first.”
Jamie shoves him, snatches the keys, and jumps into Leo’s driver’s seat. “Get the fuck in the back. Both of you. I fucking hug you and you fucking make fun of me.”
“I think he’s serious,” I say.
Leo groans. “Yeah, I know.”
We both climb in the back, preparing for Jamie to floor it just so we can get a little more ten-degree wind blistering our faces. While we’re driving, I turn my phone back on and type a quick text to Roger.
ME: if you want to tell my mom, you can.
I hit send before I can chicken out.
Chapter 53
–Claire–
“What’s this?” Haley asks.
I look up from staring at my phone, willing it to ring. She’s holding up the green flier. For the musical auditions. “Where did you get that?”
“It was laying on the floor.” She glances around and then lifts my duffel bag. “I think it fell out of your bag when you got clothes out.”
Earlier I gave her some sweats so she could change out of her cheer uniform, which is now hanging on the back of the door along with Leo’s varsity letter jacket.
“Les Mis,” Haley reads from the paper. “Isn’t that, like, your dream musical? I remember you did that song for the talent show—”
“Did my parents put you up to this?” I ask, only half joking.
She shakes her head. And I stop her before she dives into a Catholic-girl lecture about signs. I tuck the flier back into my bag and return to my position alternating between staring at the phone and the door.
“I tried to read Les Mis last year,” Haley says. The two minutes of silence must have gotten to her. Or she’s trying to distract me from worrying. “But I only made it through a couple of chapters. The musical is way better. Tate read the book, you know? For honors English this year.”
“Summer reading list, I remember.” I sink onto the mattress. “Where are they? I thought Jamie and Leo were bringing him over here.”
“They will,” Haley says firmly. She keeps looking me over, like she’s checking for signs of shock or something. “Wow, Northwestern musical auditions. That must be a big deal, huh? Like major freak-out worthy.”
“Yea
h, I’m sure.” But honestly, it would be a breeze compared to facing tonight’s drama. I cross the room and peek through the blinds for, like, the fiftieth time, hoping to see headlights.
Nothing. Not yet anyway.
I sigh and return to my spot just in time for my phone to ping. I literally dive for it, my fingers fumbling over the screen, sliding right.
MOM: your dad made it home fine. He’s calmed down. Getting some hot tea and soup in him now.
ME: good. Then make him go right to bed! He’s got to be beat after that walk. Also, tell him to never ever do that again!
MOM: done :-) How’s Tate?
ME: idk.
After promising to call my mom later and update her, I put the phone down and let Haley distract me with her chatter about pretty much everything going on around town.
My phone blinks, and the background pic I have of Jody and me flickers into view. We’re both holding up a giant fish that Mike Steller caught in Roger’s cabin. My stomach sinks all over again thinking about Jody.
She needs to know about what happened tonight, at the very least, but it will have to wait until later. I need a second to breathe. And I need to see Tate. Desperately.
“…I’ve thought about trying out for college cheerleading, but it’s gonna have to be out of state. Minnesota is seriously lacking in this NCAA sport. But out of state means way higher tuition,” Haley says, continuing whatever she’s been going on about when my mind drifted back to worrying. “But you know what? People get scholarships all the time. Like you. All I need to do is make lists and keep a positive attitude. I’m doing these visualization exercises. Have you heard of Doctor Shrener’s book, Mental Toughness Training for Athletes?”
“I bet you drove Tate nuts with all your assertiveness and positive thinking.” I lift my head. “He hates being told what to do, doesn’t he?”
The grin falls from her face and she sighs. “I drove him nuts. And I knew I was doing it and I still did it. I just don’t understand why.”
“I didn’t mean it that way. It’s not a bad thing.” I feel horrible now. She’s been so nice. “Look, Haley, someone is going to want that.”
“I know.” She nods, obviously employing some of her positive-thinking techniques. “It took me a while to get it, but I get it now. Tate and I… We were in love with being in love.”
My mouth falls open, but I don’t let myself say anything. Until Haley stares. “What?”
“Nothing.” I sigh. “Well, it’s just that he said the same thing. About being in love with love. He said it was easy for you guys.”
“I guess it was,” she admits. “Until it wasn’t.”
“So…you and Jake Hammond?”
She shakes her head. “It was a bad idea. Drinking too much will do that, though. I mean, we used to take baths together when we were babies. It’s weird. And I think our parents would enjoy it too much, and that would suck if we broke up. I’m a lot more aware now of how likely breakups are in high school. Plus, Jake is so…” She shifts her gaze, thinking. “Perfect, maybe? Too perfect, I think.”
“Hmm…” I lean against my pillows again. “Everyone has flaws. Maybe he just hides them better.”
She shrugs, but the discussion ends because someone knocks on the door. Haley jumps to her feet. She presses her ear against the door. I guess I’m not the only one shaken up from what happened practically right below this apartment.
Sheriff Hammond already let us know who the guy was—Dale something—and that he’s from two towns over and he has a bit of a drunk-and-disorderly record—again, get some new friends, Luke—but no assault charges. Most likely he would have backed off his attack on me, but still, he’s gonna get in a shit-ton of trouble because of the past record. Actually, Sheriff Hammond thinks his sentence will be so bad that he’ll gladly take the ninety-day-rehab option, and I should expect an apology letter sometime soon as part of his twelve steps.
“Who is it?” Haley says.
“Leo,” a voice calls from the other side.
“And Jamie.”
“And Tate.”
Relief washes over me. I push over the lock and fling open the door. Tate is last to come in, and when he does, I throw my arms around him before he can even make eye contact. He stiffens and then hugs me back. I think fighting with Tate is the worst activity I’ve ever engaged in.
“Okay, so we’re gonna take off now,” Leo says when it’s obvious that we need to be alone.
Tate buries his face in my hair, inhaling.
“Need a ride, Stevenson?” Jamie asks Haley.
“Sure.” She grabs her uniform, and Leo takes his jacket from the hanger I placed it on.
I pull away from Tate long enough to say thanks to Haley, and then they’re gone and the door is closed. Tate’s mouth finds mine instantly, our breaths mingling. My heart is up to my throat, beating so fast. With great effort, I pull back again, looking him over. “Are you okay?”
“Kind of. Kind of not,” he says. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just—I’m sorry.” I kiss him again. “It couldn’t have been easy for you to side with my parents.”
He holds on to my face and looks me over. “I’m on your side, Claire. No matter what. Always. Okay?”
My forehead scrunches up. “Did you get to talk to your mom?”
“Not her.” He slides freezing-cold hands under the back of my shirt and brings me closer until we’re pressed together. “I don’t know if I can talk about that stuff anymore tonight, but later…”
A wave of emotion hits me and my eyes burn with tears. He did it. He told someone. Either Roger or maybe Jamie and Leo. God, I’m so relieved. I can wait to hear the details.
I walk backward toward the bed, bringing him with me. “We can talk later.”
He kisses me again but stops abruptly. “Tell me the truth. Did that guy…did he do anything more than what you said outside?”
“No, I swear. That was it.” I quickly fill him in on the details the sheriff was able to provide thus far. “And as much as I want to keep hating Luke, you should have seen him. He was completely freaked. I don’t think he knows the guy that well.”
He touches his forehead to mine and sighs. “I’m so sorry, Claire. I keep thinking, what if Leo and I hadn’t come outside…”
“You can’t do this to yourself. It’s like last fall all over again. That wasn’t your fault and neither was this.” I watch his face carefully. I want to see him get this. But he looks like he’s trying to fight off several different emotions. Like he’s trying not to break down. And honestly, I want Tate to fall apart if that’s what he needs to do to get past everything. And this is not just about tonight. It’s way beyond tonight. Tonight was the big wakeup call.
He draws in a deep breath, and then those intense green eyes are full of heat and longing when he asks, “Are we alone?”
I glance at the door, making sure the dead bolt is locked. “Yeah.”
His mouth crashes against mine, fingers tugging at the hem of my T-shirt. My breath comes in short bursts, and it only worsens when Tate tosses me onto the bed and his lips travel the length of my body. Everything is rushed and urgent compared to last time. And yet, not a single bit of my skin is left untouched by Tate when we’ve stripped off all our clothes and he’s lying on top of me.
At the points I should be experiencing the most euphoria, it occurs to me that if I agree to go back to school, then I’ve agreed to leave Tate. To be without him. Without this.
Chapter 54
–Claire–
It’s not even seven in the morning when I get home, but still, I’m sure it’s obvious to both my parents that I stayed out all night with Tate. Or stayed in, I guess. Sure enough, after I step out of the shower and head for my room, Mom is right on my heels.
“Just getting in?” She’s in the doorway of my room, not even attempting to keep quiet. I must look freaked out because she adds, “He’s not home. Ned took him to get his blood work done this mor
ning. So…?”
“Um…” I knot the tie on my robe and then busy myself untangling my wet hair. “Well, we went—” I start and then stop again. “I mean Tate—”
“I know where you were.” Mom stretches out on my bed, calm and cool—the polar opposite of me right now. “You’re being safe?”
I nearly drop the brush. My cheeks are flaming hot. But I manage to nod and say, “Yes.”
“Good.” She looks me over like I’m different now. “You really love him?”
“Yes.” This time I don’t blush. I leave my hair alone and stretch out beside Mom on the bed, tucking my cold feet under the quilt. “Is that crazy?”
“Why would it be crazy?” She shifts the pillow so I can rest my head beside hers. “I like Tate. So does your father. He used to talk about him all the time…smart kid, respectful, wish his dad treated him better…”
I look at Mom, surprised by this. “Wait, you guys knew about Keith Tanley? For how long?”
“I don’t know, honey.” She sighs. “Your dad has seen a lot of people’s worst sides. Occupational hazard. He mostly tries to forget those things. Keep it separated. But I know he liked to keep a close eye on Tate.”
Tate told me about all the times Dad had pulled him aside to show him the beer taps or some other mechanical device. Suddenly my silence over the last year and a half seems even worse. I should have told Dad that night. We should have gone straight to him. He would have known what to do, cared enough about Tate to not go on an ass-kicking rampage involving Keith.
Lines of worry crease Mom’s forehead. I take a deep breath. “I have to tell you something…”
And then I spill the whole story about last fall. Every bit of it. From taking Luke Pratt upstairs, to Keith Tanley breaking that beer bottle, to Tate’s broken arm, to the hour Tate and I sat in the car eating Benny’s and sealing our future together.
I use the sleeve of my robe to wipe tears from my face. “It was stupid, keeping it secret. You and Dad would have known what to do.”
My mom is on the verge of spilling her own tears. “You should have told us. But what’s done is done. It’s not a mistake you’ll make again. Let me think about whether or not to tell your dad, okay?”