'You're such a wimp, Alexander. Why can't you stick up for yourself? You daren't do anything.'
Alexander drooped. 'I did do that dare,' he said. 'Even though it meant the whole school called me names.'
'What dare?' said Football, still bouncing.
'I'm Tracy Beaker, the Great Inventor of Extremely Outrageous Dares,' I said proudly.
'Like?' said Football, catching the ball.
'Like anything,' I said.
'So dare me,' said Football, swaggering.
I let half a dozen ideas flicker in my head.
None of them seemed quite suitable for Football. I squeezed my brain hard. I needed something suitably scary, rude and revolting.
Alexander seemed to think I needed help.
'Tracy dared wave her knickers in the air!' he announced.
'Shut up, Alexander!' I hissed.
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Football grinned. 'OK, Tracy, I dare you wave your knickers. Go on!'
'Get lost,' I said. 'And anyway, you can't copy my dare.'
'All right. I'll think of a better one.' Football was grinning from ear to ear now. 'I dare you take your knickers off and hang them on the fir tree like a Christmas decoration!'
I stared at him. It wasn't
fair. It was a BRILLIANT dare.
Definitely Tracy Beaker stan-
dard. Oh how I wanted to zip
his grin up!
'You can't ask Tracy to do that!' said Alexander. 'It's far too dangerous.'
'I climbed out into the tree,' said Football.
'Yes, but you're bigger and stronger than Tracy,' said Alexander. 'And madder,' he added softly.
'There isn't anyone madder than me,' I said.
'OK, I'll do your stupid old dare, Football, easy-peasy.'
'Tracy!' said Alexander. He looked at me, he looked at Football. 'Is this just a game?'
'It's my game, my Dare Game,' I said. 'Only it's way too daring for you, Little Gherkin.'
'Gherkin?' said Football. 'One of them 151
little wizened pickled things?'
'Alexander gets called Gherkin because everyone's seen what he looks like in the showers!'
Football cracked up laughing. 'Gherkin!
That's a good one! Gherkin!'
Alexander looked at me, his eyes huge in his pinched face. 'Why are you being so mean to me today, Tracy?'
'You're mean to me, trying to stop me living happily ever after with my mum, when it's what I've always wanted more than anything in the whole world,' I said, and I marched to the window, kicking the broken glass out the way, and hitched myself up onto the window ledge.
'Tracy! Don't! What if you fall?' Alexander shrieked.
I hooked one leg out.
'Tracy! I wasn't serious. You're too little,' Football shouted.
'I'm not little! I'm Tracy the
Great and I always win every
single dare,' I yelled, getting the other leg out and standing up
straight. Straightish. My legs
were a bit wobbly.
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I looked down – and then wished I hadn't.
'Come back, Tracy!' said Alexander.
But I couldn't go back. I had to go forward.
'This is the Dare Game, and I'm going to win it, just you wait and see.'
I looked at the tree – and
jumped. One second I was in
the air and there were
screams – some mine – and
then I had twigs up my nose
and scratching my face and I
was clinging there, in the tree, hands hanging onto branches, feet curled against the trunk.
I'd made it! I hadn't fallen! I had managed a thrilling death-defying l-e-a-p! Football gave his Tarzan cry behind me and I joined in too, long and loud.
'Now come back in, Tracy,' Alexander pleaded.
'I haven't started yet!' I said. 'Shut your eyes. And you, Football.'
They both blinked at me like they'd forgotten the whole point of the dare.
'I've got to take my knickers off now, so no peeping,' I commanded.
They shut their eyes obediently. Well, one of them did.
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'Football! Think I'm daft? Stop squinting at me!' I yelled.
Football's eyes shut properly this time. I gingerly let go of the branch and started fidgeting under my skirt. It was a lot more scary only holding
on with one hand. It would
have been much more sensible
to take my knickers off before I was in the tree, but it was too late now. I got them around my
knees, and then reached down.
The garden wavered way down
below me and I felt sick.
'Don't, Tracy! You'll fall!' Football shouted.
'Shut your ******* eyes!' I was so peeved he was peering right up my short skirt I forgot to be frightened, eased my knickers over my foot and then straightened up in a flash.
'They're off!' I yelled, waving them like a flag.
Football cheered. 'Shove them on a branch for a second and then get back in,' he shouted.
'You've won the bet, Trace. Good for you.'
'Yes, come back now, Tracy,' said Alexander.
I didn't want to come back right that instant.
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I was starting to get used to it in the tree. I looked up instead of down. It was a great feeling to be up so high. I reached for the next branch and the next and the next.
The boys yelled at me but I took no notice.
I'd turned into Monkey Girl, leaping about the treetops without a worry in the world.
The tree swayed a little more as I got nearer the top, but I didn't mind a bit. It felt soothing, not scary. If I was Monkey Girl I could swing in my tree all day long and at night I could fashion myself a leafy hammock and rock myself to sleep.
I started to think seriously about a treehouse. I could get Alexander to design it – not one of his cardboard concoctions, a proper planks of wood job. Football and I could knock it together and somehow secure it to the tree. Yes, a treehouse would be absolutely amazing. I could furnish it with blankets and cushions and have heaps of provisions and I could live up there all the time and spy on all my enemies and everyone would talk in awed tones about Tracy of the Treetops.
I decided to make a start on the treehouse idea for real, but then I remembered I was going to live with my mum any minute now so 155
there wasn't any point and I got a bit distracted – and slipped. I scrab-bled and grabbed the
next branch down, hanging on
for dear life. Or lousy life. Any kind of life.
'Watch out, Tracy!'
'Tracy! Come back! You're the nutter now!'
My heart was hammering
and my hands were slippy with
sweat but I thought I'd wind them up just a little bit more. I climbed higher, up and up, branch after branch, hand over hand, foot after foot, concentrating fiercely now.
I climbed until I was fast running out of tree, the branches
becoming so delicate and
spindly that some broke
right off when I took hold of
them – but I dared go even
higher so that I could just
about reach up up up to
the very top. I hooked my
knickers round and
attached them to the tip
like a big white star.
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I saw stars too, a whole galaxy of constel-lations shining and sparkling in celebration.
I'd done it! The most Daring Dare ever and I'd done it.
Then I climbed all the way down, feeling my way with my feet, down and down and down until at long last I came level with the window, and there were Football and Alexander gazing out at me open-mouthed as if I was an angel swooping straight down from heaven.
'Out the way then, you gawpers,' I commanded, and they drew apart like curtains.
I go
t ready to spring.
I made it right through the window. I didn't even fall over. I landed on my feet. Tracy the Fabulous Cat Girl with all her nine lives still in front of her.
'How about that!' I
said, and I did this crazy
dance around the room.
Football danced with
me, leaping about, clap-
ping me on the back.
'You're the greatest,
kid. Knickers off and all!'
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'Yeah, I'm the greatest, aren't I? Aren't I, Alexander?'
'You're the maddest!' said Alexander. 'I'm a total jelly with watching you. Look, I'm still shaking.'
'Gherkin jelly! Yuck,' I said.
'You're mad. You're both mad,' said Alexander. 'Can't you see? You could have been killed. It doesn't make you the greatest.'
'No, you're the greatest! The greatest meanest bore ever,' I said, poking him.
How dare he try to spoil my Stupendous Achievement?
'She is the greatest. And so am I,' said Football, poking him too.
'Stop poking me,' said Alexander, hunching up small. 'You're not not not great, not just because you take stupid risks and nearly kill yourselves.'
I was starting to feel like killing Alexander.
He was acting like this irritating little gnat nipping away at my ankles. Any
second now I'd stick out my hand and go SWAT.
'Don't make me really mad,
Alexander,' I warned him,
giving him another poke.
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'You're already mad at me for saying all that stuff about your mum. That's why you keep picking on me.'
'That's got nothing to do with it,' I said fiercely. I'm mad at you because you're maddening!'
'No wonder they all pick on you at your school,' Football jeered. 'No wonder even your own dad can't stand you.' He didn't touch him this time but somehow it was worse than a poke.
I wavered just a weeny bit. 'Well, he must like him really.'
'No he doesn't,' said Alexander. Big tears were rolling down his cheeks. 'He can't stand me.'
I felt so mean that it made me even angrier with him. 'That's rubbish! Don't be so stupid.'
I gave him a sudden push. 'You're really starting to irritate me now.'
'You've always irritated me, Gherkin,' said Football.
'Don't call me that,' Alexander said, sniffling.
'Gherkin, Gherkin, Gherkin!' Football chanted. 'Wizened little Gherkin who can't play the Dare Game.'
159
'I did play it! I did do a dare, didn't I, Tracy?'
'Yeah, you were mad enough to tell the whole school to call you Gherkin!'
'Stop it!'
'Gherkin, Gherkin, Gherkin!' I yelled, right in his face.
Football was right beside me. 'You clear off, Gherkin, this is our house,' he said.
'I was here first,' Alexander wept.
'But we're here now,' I said.
'And we don't want you, do we, Trace?'
I couldn't be quite that mean. There was still a bit of me that wanted to put my arms round Alexander and give him a hug.
Alexander saw me wavering. He gave a giant sniff. 'I'll do another dare if you let me stay!'
'OK then, climb up the tree and fetch 160
Tracy's knickers back,' said Football, quick as a wink.
'No!' I said.
'Yes!' said Football.
'All right,' said Alexander.
'Don't be crazy,' I said, suddenly scared. It was like everything was spinning too fast and I couldn't stop it. 'Football, please. You can't dare him to do that.'
'I did it,' said Football. 'And you did it too, even though you're little and only a girl.'
'I'll do it,' said Alexander. 'I still think it's mad and I'll probably get killed but I don't care. I'll still do it. I'll show you.' He ran to the window.
'You mustn't, Alexander!' I r a n after him, but he was surprisingly fast. 'You can't climb, you can't balance, you can't do anything! You'll fall!'
'I told you, I don't care,' said Alexander, and he tried to jump up on the window ledge.
He mistimed it completely and banged his nose hard on the window frame.
'See, Alexander! Now you're the one who's being stupid,' I said, rushing to him.
He shook his head, stunned, his nose crimson.
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'Football, take the dare back quick,' I said.
'OK, OK, I take the dare back, Gherkin,'
said Football.
'I'll still do the dare if you promise never ever to call me Gherkin again,' said Alexander, his voice muffled because his hands were cupping his sore nose.
'You're not doing any dare. You're right, we were all crazy.'
'You told me to go away,' said Alexander, turning to the window.
'I didn't mean it,' I said. 'You're my friend, Alexander. I like you. Football likes you too.'
'No I don't,' said Football.
'You do!' I insisted.
'No-one likes me, not really,' said Alexander, and he made another dash for the window, a sudden quick
dart that took us by
surprise.
He jumped high enough
this time. He made the
window ledge. But he
didn't stop. He swooped
right out into space, like a
little cartoon animal
running in mid-air. But
162
Alexander was real. He didn't hang, give a yelp, and pedal backwards. He plummeted down . . . down down down into the dark garden below.
163
We thought he was dead. He was still lying motionless when we hurtled downstairs and out the back window into the
overgrown garden, his skinny
arms and legs spread wide.
'Alexander!' I cried.
'He's copped it,' said Football
– and he started to snuffle. 'I've murdered poor little Gherkin.'
'You're never to call me
Gherkin again,' Alexander squeaked in a little mouse voice.
We fell on him, hugging him
like he was our dearest friend.
'Careful!' said Alexander. 'I've probably broken my neck. And my
arms and legs. And all my ribs.'
'Does it hurt terribly?' I said, taking his little claw hand in mine.
165
'I'm not sure,' said
Alexander. 'I feel weird,
like I can't feel anything
properly yet. But I think it
might hurt a lot when I can.'
'What do you mean, you can't feel anything?
Oh no, he's paralysed!' said Football.
I tickled the backs of Alexander's knees and he squealed and kicked. 'No he's not,' I said.
Do you know the most amazing thing ever????
Alexander wasn't hurt at all. He didn't break so much as a fingernail! We stared at him in awe, wondering how he could possibly have survived that great drop unscathed. I'd always thought there was something not quite human about Alexander. Perhaps he was really an alien from another planet? That would explain a lot.
But the real reason for Alexander's remark-able survival only became apparent when he very gingerly got onto all fours and then stood up. He had fallen onto an old discarded mattress!
'You must be the luckiest kid ever!' I said.
'Though you might have a fleabite or two,'
said Football.
166
'I think I might have hurt myself somewhere,'
said Alexander, sounding wistful. 'This leg feels a bit odd. It's throbbing. I think I could have broken it. Definitely.'
'You couldn't possibly have broken your leg,'
said Football. 'You'd be, like . . . ' He mimed a footballer writhing on his back. 'You'd have to be stretchered off.'
'Maybe ... maybe I'm just better at putting up with the pain,' said
Alexander, experimenting w
ith a limp.
'It was your other leg you were rubbing a minute ago.'
'Perhaps I've broken both,' Alexander persisted.
'You haven't broken anything at all and I'm so glad, Alexander,' I said, giving him another hug.
'Yeah, me too,' Football said gruffly.
'And you won't call me the G word ever again?'
'Right.'
'Because I did almost do the dare, didn't I?'
said Alexander. 'Maybe I am Alexander the Great.'
'You're Alexander the Small,' said Football, patting him.
167
'You're Football the ever so Tall,' said Alexander. He turned to me. 'And you're Trace who wins every race. OK?'
'OK.'
'And we're all friends now?' said Alexander.
'Yes, of course we are,' I said. 'Alexander, stop limping. There's nothing the matter with your leg.'
'There is,' said Alexander. 'If I've got a broken leg I won't have to do PE at school.'
'You're never at school anyway,' I said.
'No, but I might have to be soon,' said Alexander, sighing. 'They wrote a letter to my mum and dad and they went nuts. My dad says he's going to escort me to school himself.'
'You're going to enjoy that!' I said.
'So it's just going to be you and me hanging out at the house, Tracy?' said Football.
'Well. I can't, can I? Not if I'm at my mum's.
I'll be moving right away. Hey, my mum's flat is incredible, you should see all the stuff she's got!'
They didn't seem that interested. 'You'll just muck it all up anyway,' said Football.
'No I won't!'
I've got it all sussed out. I'm going to dust all her dinky little ornaments and vacuum the 168
carpets and Mum will think I'm s-o-o-o useful she'll never ever get fed up with me and send me away again.
'I'm going to be my mum's little treasure,' I declared.
'I don't know why you want to
go and stay with her,' said
Football. 'You must be mad.
She is mad, isn't she, Gherkin?'
'You're not to call me that!' Alexander said, stamping his foot. 'Ouch! That was my bad leg.'
'Sorry, sorry! But she is mad, isn't she?' said Football.
Alexander glanced at me nervously – but nodded.
'Who cares what you two think?' I said fiercely.
They were wrong. I wasn't mad. Any girl would want to live with her mum. Even a girl who already had a sort-of mum.