“Stop.” Kiva set a hand on his upper back, urging him to stay down. “It’s okay. He never meant for us to leave.”
“The HCU?”
She shook her head. “Probably wasn’t even in the crate.”
He relaxed and laid his head back on the pillow. “How did we get out?”
“When I realized he had drugged you, I faked being asleep and followed him when he took you to the torpor—”
Seth sucked in a breath. “He was going to seal us in?”
Kiva nodded. “But I dragged you here and then turned off the tractor beam and got us out of range. But I’m so sorry, I forgot about your knife and it must have cut into your back when I dragged you and—”
“Stop.” Seth held up a hand. “You did what?”
She swallowed. “I didn’t mean to, but I was in a rush and didn’t know the knife was there—”
“Keeves.” Seth set a hand on her knee. “You dragged me here?”
“I didn’t know your back was cut until we got back here or I would’ve—”
He got to his knees, wincing.
“I’m sorry—”
Seth grabbed both her hands. “Stop saying you’re sorry. I don’t give a crap about my back. You dragged me here?”
She found herself staring at his bare chest. Her eyes flicked back up.
He tilted his head to the left. “And you turned off the tractor beam and got the Tomb out of there?”
She raised her eyebrows. “Well, when you put it like that, it makes me sound rather…”
“Amazing.” His dark eyes locked on hers.
Kiva held her breath, unsure what was happening.
She had saved him, saved herself, possibly from an eternity in torpor on the Pinatubo. And that was amazing.
Seth grimaced and reached for his back. “Gods, it hurts.”
Kiva stopped congratulating herself and focused on the pain pills. “There has to be—” She brandished a bottle. “Got it. These will help, let me get you some water.”
“Help me up. I’d rather be in my cabin than out here.”
She helped him stand, then grabbed his pillow and blanket. He walked gingerly down the hallway.
Kiva entered his cabin first and tossed the pillow at the head of the bed, then spread the blanket out.
Seth crawled onto the bed and lay down.
She got him a glass of water and held out two pills in her palm. “These will help a lot.”
Seth took them from her. “Thanks.” He put them in his mouth.
“They may knock you out—”
Seth spit them into his hand.
Kiva frowned. “But they’ll help with the pain.”
“No, no way. I’ve been out long enough.” He glanced up at her. “I’m not leaving you alone again.”
“I’ve managed to take care of myself.” And you she wanted to add.
He managed a small smile, as if he’d read her thoughts. “I know. But I don’t want you to have to save us again. Today was enough.”
Part of her was quite relieved he wouldn’t be out of it any longer. “But you still should rest. And there are other pills that will help with the pain, just not as much.”
“Will they knock me out?”
“No. I’ll be right back.” She found the pills in the med kit and took her time walking back to his cabin.
His bed was empty.
“Seth?”
He walked out of the bathroom, still shirtless. “Did you do this?” He pointed at his back.
Her shoulders slumped. “I said I was sorry—”
“I mean the bandages.”
She swallowed. “Yeah, I did. How did you—”
Seth pointed. “The mirror.”
Did he want to know details? “There were so many cuts. Only three of them needed stitches, but one was pretty deep and—”
“Stitches?”
“Some.”
“I want to see.”
She frowned. “But it’s already bandaged.”
He reached for his lower back. “I’ll take them off myself if I have to.”
“Don’t!” Kiva went over to him. “Just don’t. I’ll take one off but you can’t touch it, okay?”
He held his palms up. “Okay. I just want to see.”
“Come on.” Kiva took his arm and pulled him into the bathroom, setting his back to the mirror. “Let me do it.” She stared at the bandages.
Which one should she show him?
One of the smaller ones?
“This might sting.” Her fingers pried up the edge of the dressing on the biggest cut and peeled it halfway off.
Seth sucked in a breath.
“Okay. Look.”
Seth backed up to the mirror and twisted his head around. His eyes narrowed. “How many stitches?”
“That one? Six.”
He frowned. “Any others?”
“A few.” She shrugged. “The rest just needed cleaning and bandaging.”
Seth stared. “I can’t believe you did that.”
Her shoulders tensed. “It’s not like I’ve done it in the real world before!” What did he expect? She wasn’t a doctor. “I’ve only done it in Alexandria, only on animals.” Her heart pounded. “You were the first person I ever stitched up. I did the best—”
“Hey.” Seth set a hand on her shoulder.
She couldn’t take his condescension. But she also didn’t want to have to keep defending herself.
“Keeves.”
That nickname again. Was he being patronizing? She had to catch her breath.
He smiled. “I’m impressed. That’s all I meant.”
She watched him, trying to read his sincerity.
He pulled a folded black shirt out of the cabinet. “I never knew you could do that.”
She leaned against the wall. “I didn’t know if I could. I mean, if something I did in virtual was also something I could do here.”
He pulled the shirt over his head, then lifted an arm. He sucked in a breath.
“Let me help.” She held each sleeve out straight so he didn’t have to move much to insert his arms, then gently pulled the shirt down in back.
“Thanks,” he said.
“You should sit down.” She held out the bottle. “And here are the other pills.”
He sat down on the edge of the bed. “You sure they won’t put me to sleep?”
“Positive.”
He took the bottle and twisted the top open. “How many?”
“Two.”
Seth asked, “How did you know how to stitch me up?”
“Fai taught me about medicine.” She rolled her eyes. “Apparently most of it was modern medicine.”
He swallowed the pills. “I never knew that.”
“It was after you left.” She looked away from him. After you stopped caring.
“Sit.” He patted the bed beside him. “I want to explain.”
Kiva didn’t want to know what she did in the past. Whatever she did had made him stop being her friend. Knowing wouldn’t change a thing. She took a step back.
He sighed. “Come on.”
She sat down as far away from him as she could.
He rubbed his jaw. “What did you think today when you saw the torpor chambers?”
She shot a look at him, then focused on her hands in her lap. “I saw that woman and … I couldn’t help imagining myself in there. Wondering if that’s what I looked like when I was sealed in.”
Seth cleared his throat.
Kiva asked, “Did I?”
“You did. Pretty much like that, I mean. The others too.” He sounded apologetic.
“How often did you see me? I mean us?”
“At first I saw you every day. I made sure I saw you every day.”
Tears welled up in her eyes. “You didn’t want to see me in Alexandria when I was awake. Why would you want to see me when I wasn’t?”
Seth stared down at the floor. “When they first brought me out of torpor, I was
so messed up. My mom was dead, for one, which was hard enough to deal with. Then they told me everything I thought about my life was a lie. And I was surrounded by adults.” He swallowed. “I didn’t believe them at first. I thought it was all a nightmare. I kept waiting to wake up and be back with my mom and … you.”
Kiva didn’t say anything. “But you didn’t come back.”
“At first they wouldn’t let me. They wanted me to get used to life.” He shrugged. “Mostly they worried that I would tell all of you the truth and blow the whole virtual reality program.”
“And after that?” She watched him. “When they trusted you not to say anything?”
He stared at the floor. “In the beginning when I went to see you in torpor, it was to convince myself that you, and the others, were still alive. Still here. And I felt sorry for you. You didn’t know the truth. You were stuck in there, stuck believing in this world that didn’t exist. At first I couldn’t wait to go back and see you in Alexandria.”
“You keep saying at first. What changed?” Her words were sharper than intended. “When did you stop wanting to see us?”
“I grew up.” He sighed. “Not being in torpor … well. It was hard. I had to learn so much. The adults were always telling me what to do and how to think. And I was alone. I had no one my age to talk to.”
“You could have come to Alexandria and talked to me any time you wanted!” Kiva’s voice broke.
Seth shook his head. “I couldn’t have.”
“Why not?” A tear slipped down her cheek and she smeared it away.
He started to reach out a hand, then stopped. “After several months of my new life, awake on the Krakatoa, I began to realize that … you were the lucky ones.”
Kiva huffed. “Are you serious? How were we the lucky ones?”
“Gods.” He covered his eyes. “You don’t get it.”
“No, I don’t!” Kiva sniffled.
He grabbed her arm and stuck his face in hers. “You had each other! You had a life, you had school. You had sun and rain and wind and fresh air and the river—”
“It wasn’t real!”
“But you believed it was. You had no idea what had happened on Earth or that we were actually stuck on a stupid ship where it’s dark every day and the same people…” His shoulders slumped. “Every time I looked at you … you still had everything that I used to have.” He released her. “You had everything that I wanted.”
Her eyes widened. “You were jealous?”
“Yes. It’s why I wouldn’t visit school, why I couldn’t stand to be with the others.” He paused. “Why I didn’t want to be with you.”
Kiva spoke softly. “That explains why you were so mean whenever I did see you.”
“I hated myself for it.” He carefully lay down on his side.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” She rubbed her eyes on a sleeve.
“Would it have made a difference?”
She shrugged. “I probably would have left you on the Pinatubo.”
He grinned.
Kiva said, “I’m not even kidding right now.”
“I know.” Seth laughed, then held out his hand.
She hesitated before taking hold.
His warm, strong hand enveloped hers as he squeezed. “Thank you, Keeves. For getting me out of there. You didn’t have to.”
“But I did.” She smiled. “Like I wanted to explain that to your dad.”
“I’m serious. And also…” He yanked on her hand a little bit. “I’m sorry.”
Kiva didn’t know if he was still referring to how he acted in Alexandria. “For what?”
He looked down at their hands, still together. “I was so mad when my dad told me you were coming with me.”
She slipped her hand from his. “Why?”
“I knew how you’d react after finding out the truth. Confused. Angry.” He shook his head. “I definitely didn’t want to be the one to deal with you.”
Kiva bristled. He made her sound like she was terrible to be around. How was she supposed to feel after finding out their life was a lie?
Seth said, “I thought it was unfair for him to make me. And I thought…”
She waited, knowing he would finish.
And he did. “I thought you wouldn’t be of any use.”
Her hands clenched at her side.
“Don’t get mad.” He held out a hand. “I’m trying to tell you that I was wrong. So wrong. I’m sorry about all of it.”
“Anything else?” Kiva got up and took a few steps toward the door. “More reasons why you didn’t want me to come with? If not, I have other places to be that aren’t with you.”
Seth winced as he sat straight up. “There’s one more reason why I never came to see you in Alexandria.”
“Hmmm.” Kiva tapped a finger on her lips. “Because you thought I was stupid for not figuring out the truth?”
He gingerly got to his feet. “No, that’s not it.”
Kiva set her hands on her hips. “Then what? Why did you just leave me there?”
“It’s complicated.”
“I think I can handle it,” she snapped. “You know what? Forget it.” She headed for the door.
But in two long strides Seth beat her there and hit the privacy lock on the door.
Her hasty exit was ruined. “You can’t do that.” She grabbed his arm and tried to push him aside.
He didn’t budge. “Can you listen to me for one second?”
With both hands, she pushed on his chest. “Move!”
“Keeves. Please.”
The reaction in her gut was hard to ignore, those feelings that bubbled whenever he called her that. Kiva pushed him again. “Let me go.”
“Will you stop for one second?”
She glared up at him. “Tell me the one reason why you never came to see me in Alexandria.”
“The one unbelievably stupid reason is…” Seth held her face and pressed his lips firmly to hers.
Kiva couldn’t breathe.
Or move.
She could do nothing except feel her heartbeat hammer in her ears.
He moved his lips away from hers and whispered, “… because I’m in love with you.”
16
“You’re what?” Kiva staggered backward and slammed her elbow into the cabinet. “Ow.”
Seth reached out a hand. “You okay?”
“Yes.” She shook her head. “No! I’m not okay. How can you say something like that?”
He leaned his side against the wall. “Because you wanted to know the truth.”
“Let me remind you of the last couple of years.” She snapped up one finger. “We saw each other what, like three times?” She snapped up another. “When we did see each other, you made it abundantly clear that it basically pained you to even be in my presence.” She paced from the cupboard to the wall and back, then held up a third finger. “You laughed in my face—laughed!—when I asked if you wanted to study with us. I didn’t even recognize you as my friend anymore. That Seth was gone.”
Seth watched her, but said nothing.
“And when I woke up here on the shuttle? The Tomb, whatever it is.” Kiva pointed at him. “You acted like I was the last person you wanted to see.” She shook her head. “It wasn’t an act. I definitely was the last person you wanted to see.”
Seth raised his eyebrows. “Finished?”
Kiva sputtered. “I—I—no! I’m not finished.”
He crossed his arms. “Then by all means, continue.”
But she had nothing more to say. Those were all the things she’d been thinking, all the questions she’d wanted answered.
Which meant that the sole remaining reason she could come up with for him to not want to be around her was that …
… he hated her.
But if he didn’t, then …
“But how”—Kiva stared up at those big, brown eyes—“how can you be…?”
“After that?” Seth shrugged. “How can I not?”
/>
“But why didn’t you let me know?” Kiva took a small step toward him. “You could have spent more time in Alexandria, you could have told me.”
His forehead wrinkled. “It wasn’t that simple. You were my best friend. When they unsealed me and I learned the truth, the first thing I wanted was to tell you.”
“But they didn’t let you.”
He shook his head. “And then I went through my own evolution, going from wanting you to be out, to me wanting to be back in. But I knew too much, it wouldn’t ever be the same. It was easier to stay in the real world.”
She whispered, “I missed you so much.”
His shoulders slumped. “It was written all over your face whenever I saw you.”
Kiva studied his expression.
Seth seemed sincere. And sad. “I knew it wouldn’t do any good to tell you how I felt if I couldn’t stay in Alexandria and you couldn’t leave.”
“You kept it to yourself.”
“I did.”
She needed to know. “How long have you had feelings for me?”
His eyes shifted from hers to the floor. “Your birthday.”
“My birthday?” She tilted her head. “What birthday?”
“Twelfth.” He met her eyes for a moment, then glanced back down.
The memory of that day came back. He gave her the bracelet, she kissed him on the cheek. And then, shortly after …
“But Seth”—Kiva took another couple of steps toward him—“your mom—”
“I know.” His eyes locked on hers. “Everything happened so quickly after that. My grief over her, my confusion over leaving torpor, my anger over it all … The worst time of my life.”
Kiva leaned her back against the wall. “So for three years you’ve been keeping this all to yourself?”
“Yes.”
Why didn’t he ever tell her? “Seth. You could have told me.”
He blew out a long breath. “I was afraid.”
She swiveled to face him. “Of what?”
Seth pointed at her.
“Of me?” Kiva raised her eyebrows. “Why?”
“What if I was wrong? Maybe all my emotions were just bundled together and I mistakenly got love mixed up in all of them. I was grasping for something and the easiest way out was to convince myself it was love.”
She ached for him as he struggled for whatever he was trying to say.