“I love you, Chris,” I whispered.
His lips moved from my hand to my arm. “I love you, too,” he murmured. I closed my eyes as he worked his way up my arm to my neck then my lips. “I love every single inch of you, Marli.”
I looked up at him as he stood and began to undress. I knew I’d feel guilty afterward, but at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with Chris in that way—to hold him, to touch him, and to love him.
“I want to help you feel better,” I said.
He sat back down next to me and kissed me. “You do make me feel better.”
“I do?”
“Yes. You do.” He looked me in the eye as he undressed me. “This makes me feel better.” He pulled me into a tight embrace, his warm skin soothing mine. “I love you so much, baby. Don’t ever leave me.”
“I won’t.”
“Good, because I won’t ever let you go.”
“Neither will I.”
I closed my eyes as we slid from the couch to the floor… and Chris and I comforted each other the only way we knew how.
Twenty-Two
“Turn My Back On You”
After another month or so of a sorrowful existence with Chris, I was thankful that Tiffany was coming to St. Louis for a visit. I hoped her presence would help to lift the dark cloud that loomed over our lives. But even in that hope, the heaviness of my heart remained.
On my way to the airport to pick her up that day, I decided to make a quick stop. I stepped into the sanctuary of Rev. King’s church, sat near the back, and prayed. It was Wednesday afternoon, and the sanctuary was open to the public.
I sat there and fought back tears. I was worn and tired and I felt so alone. I loved Chris more than I could explain. I wanted so badly for us to return to what we’d once had. But he just seemed so distant, and the pressure of trying to carry him had begun to make me physically ill. I was having trouble keeping food down, and I’d started to lose weight.
I leaned forward and rested my forehead on the back of the pew in front of me and closed my eyes. I prayed and prayed until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Rev. King standing next to me.
I wiped my eyes and stood to my feet. “Oh, hi, Rev. King. I… I was just leaving.”
I felt embarrassed about being seen in such a mess and, besides, I was pretty sure he and his wife didn’t think too well of me since Chris and I had been living together for months. Most Sundays, after church, I made it a point to avoid them, which was a stark contrast to the many Sunday dinners I’d once shared with them.
He placed his hand on my arm. “Wait, can I speak with you for a moment, Marli?”
I sat back down on the pew.
“How’s Chris doing? He won’t return any of my calls,” he said with a concerned look on his face.
Before I could answer, I dissolved into tears. Rev. King put his arm around my shoulders to comfort me. When my tears had finally ceased, he moved his arm and looked me in the eye.
“Marli, has Chris talked to you at all about what happened?”
I shook my head. “No, sir—not really. We don’t do much talking anymore.”
He nodded. “How are you feeling?”
I released a ragged sigh. “Tired and helpless. I want so badly to help Chris. I just don’t know what to do.”
“Were you praying for him just now?”
“Yes, sir. I was praying for both of us.”
“Then that’s the best thing you can do for him—for both of you. We’ve all been praying for him. Chris is stronger than he seems. He’s had to deal with death almost ever since he’s been in this world. I know he’ll work through this. Stay by his side and support him. He’s blessed to have you in his life. He’ll come around.”
I exhaled deeply. “I hope you’re right. I miss him so much.”
He smiled at me. “So do I. Where are you headed after this? You should come over to the house for dinner.”
“Um, I’m gonna pick my daughter up from the airport in a little bit.”
“Great. Bring her along. We’d love to meet her.”
I offered him a weak smile. “Okay, I will.”
~*~
I sat outside the airport in Chris’s Navigator and waited for Tiffany’s flight to arrive. Though Christmas was only days away, it felt like it was years away. I thought about what Carla and Rev. King had said, but I was honestly beginning to think that I was spinning my wheels. I wondered if maybe I wasn’t what Chris needed. Maybe my presence was only making things worse for him. Maybe I should’ve left long ago.
I was staring out the windshield and had just decided to walk into the airport when my phone rang. It was my father. I hadn’t talked to him since the day he met Chris. I hadn’t wanted to talk to him, either. I stared at the phone for a moment and then pressed the button to answer the call. I held it to my ear but didn’t speak.
“Hello? Marli?” my father said.
“Yes.”
“Oh, I wasn’t sure if you answered or if the call had disconnected.”
I didn’t reply.
My father cleared his throat. “Um, how’ve you been?”
“Fine.”
“Well, that’s good. And Chris?”
I was surprised he even remembered Chris’s name. “He’s okay.”
“Really? I talk to Tiff just about every week. She told me that he lost his son. I’m very sorry to hear that.”
“Um… well, thank you.” He was being surprisingly kind and normal. What was his deal?
“Well, I hate to hear of anyone losing a child. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you or Justine.”
I paused for a second, still surprised by his words. “Well, Chris is all right, considering.”
“Good. He’s a good man.”
Things had finally reached the top of the weirded-out scale. “Um, Dad? What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“The way you’re talking? Saying all those nice things? What’s the deal?”
“Marli, you’re my daughter and I haven’t heard from you in months. When Tiffany told me what happened, I was concerned.”
“Well, thanks for calling. We’re all right.”
“Well, stick with him. He’s a good man, and he obviously loves you. He certainly didn’t back down to me, and I can respect that.”
“Really?” I scoffed. “It would’ve been nice if you would’ve let Chris know you approved of him.”
“Hopefully, I’ll be able to tell him one day.”
I hesitated, and then said, “And it would’ve been nice if you hadn’t said all of that horrible stuff about me.”
Silence.
I sighed. “Okay… well, I need to get off now. Tiff’s plane just landed—”
“Wait… I… um, I apologize for saying those things. I was caught a little off-guard by Chris. He just didn’t seem like your type.”
“And what exactly is my type, Dad?”
“I don’t… I don’t know.”
“Then what you just said doesn’t make any sense and it’s not the truth.” I felt my eyes begin to well up. “You said those things because that’s honestly how you feel about me. You think I’m unlovable and unacceptable and… and it hurts. It’s always hurt for you to say those things to me.”
“I didn’t know… I’m sorry,” he said softly.
“Yeah, well, I just needed to get that off my chest. I need to go now.”
“Okay. I love you, Marli. I hope you know that.”
I wiped my wet face, released a sigh. “I do. Bye, Dad.”
I ended the call and then headed into the airport to meet Tiffany.
On the way from the airport to Chris’s parents’ house, I was quiet as Tiffany chattered away about Spelman and all of the friends she’d made.
“Mama, you okay?” she asked.
I glanced at her. “Yeah, I’m all right. I’m glad to see you. I missed you.”
She smiled. “I missed you, to
o. How’s Chris?”
I sighed. “He’s the same.”
“He’ll come around. Just give him some time.”
I nodded and pulled into Rev. King’s driveway. We walked up to the door and were greeted by Chris’s mom who hugged both of us tightly before leading us into the house. We walked into the living room where I introduced Tiffany to Rev. King, then we all took a seat while Rev. and Mrs. King asked Tiffany about Spelman. During the conversation, I have to admit that I pretty much just zoned out. I felt like I was in a fog. Chris had been in so much misery, I honestly think it had rubbed off on me.
“Marli?” Mrs. King said.
I snapped out of my haze and looked around the room. Evidently, Mrs. King had called my name more than once. Everyone was staring at me.
“Um, ma’am?” I said.
Rev. King frowned. “Marli, are you okay?”
“Yes, sir. I’m fine,” I answered.
He glanced at his wife then back at me. “Lizzie was just saying that dinner should be ready in a few more minutes.”
I looked at him for a moment. “Actually, I think I should get back to Chris. He’ll be wondering where I am.”
“Why don’t you let me deal with Chris? He needs to get out of that apartment, himself. I’ll call him. You just sit tight.” He looked at his phone and then up at me. “Let me call him on your phone, Marli. Maybe he’ll answer if he thinks it’s you.”
I handed him my phone and sat and watched as he dialed Chris’s number. From what I heard of Rev. King’s side of the conversation, Chris wasn’t going anywhere, and he wasn’t too happy about me being there, either.
“Well, she can bring you a plate then,” Mr. King said. And then, after a long pause: “Chris, she’ll be back. It’s just dinner.” And after another pause, “Okay, I’ll tell her.”
Rev. King ended the call and handed the phone back to me. “Um, Marli, he’s pretty upset about you not being there. And he says he has something he needs to tell you.”
I nodded and picked up my purse. “Okay. Come on, Tiff.”
Mrs. King stood and said, “Marli, why don’t you let Tiffany stay here and have dinner with us? We’ll bring her over later. Besides, I’d like to see Chris. He hasn’t been over in weeks.”
I looked over at Tiffany who nodded in agreement.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll see you soon.” Then, out of the blue, a wave of nausea hit me. “Can I use your bathroom real quick?” I asked as I clutched my stomach.
Mrs. King nodded and gave me an odd look. “Sure, you know where it is.”
I made it to the bathroom in the nick of time. I wondered to myself what in the world was wrong with me. I’d been experiencing waves of nausea and vomiting for over a week.
As I washed my face, there was a knock at the bathroom door.
“Marli, are you all right in there?” It was Chris’s mom.
I opened the door. “Yes, ma’am. I think I have a bug or something. I hope I don’t give it to Chris or Tiffany,” I said and then turned back to the sink.
“Are you sure you’re not pregnant,” she asked.
I spun on my heels. “What?” I hadn’t even considered the possibility of being pregnant. It just hadn’t occurred to me. I never felt this sick when I was carrying Tiffany.
She raised her eyebrows. “Well, I assume that you and Chris have been together, you know, in the Biblical sense. Could it be possible that you’re pregnant?”
I shook my head. “No,” I lied. I just couldn’t deal with that right then.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, ma’am. I should go. Chris is already upset.”
“Okay, well, we’ll be over with Tiffany after a while. We’ll call when we’re on our way.”
“Okay, thank you.”
I left the Kings’ house and made a stop at the drugstore before heading home to Chris.
Twenty-Three
“In Another Time”
I arrived home to find Chris right where I’d left him—sitting on the couch. But now there was a duffel bag sitting on the floor beside him, and he was fully dressed. He’d even shaved.
I stood by the door for a few minutes and tried to get my head together before walking into the living room. “I’m home,” I said. “You going somewhere?”
He looked up at me and smiled. It was the first time I’d seen a smile on his face since Russell died. It was a wonderful sight to see.
He stood up and kissed my cheek. “Yeah, I got a call from Herb Gentry. He wants me in his band.”
My eyes widened. “The Herb Gentry? Of the Herb Gentry Ensemble? I didn’t know you knew him. You never mentioned it.” The Herb Gentry Ensemble was a world-renowned jazz group known for its soothing, jazz tunes and flawless, live performances in small, intimate venues. It would be an honor for anyone to be chosen to play with them.
“Well, he saw The St. Louis Kingsmen perform in Memphis awhile back, and he approached me, said he liked our sound. He took my number and said he’d be in touch. I thought he was calling for the whole band, but he just wants me. Can you believe it? He wants me to perform with his ensemble.”
I shook my head. “All of this happened just in the time I was gone?”
He nodded. “Yeah. Amazing, huh?”
I looked away from him. “So you’re going?”
He placed his hands on my arms and laughed. “Well, yeah! Baby, this is the chance of a lifetime. How can I say no? His people have already booked a flight for me and everything. My plane leaves in a couple of hours. I really think this is what I need. I think I’ll feel better if I can get away for a while.”
I looked down at the floor and wondered what I should do or say at that point.
“What’s wrong? You look upset,” Chris said.
I looked up at him and blinked back tears. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want you to stay. I’ll… I’ll miss you.”
He pulled me close to him. “Baby, I’ll miss you, too. But I’ll only be gone for four months.”
“Four months?” I backed out of his arms and shook my head. “Four months is too long.”
He frowned. “Too long for what?”
I wiped the tears from my cheek. “Nothing. Go ahead. It’s what you wanna do.”
“Marli, what do you mean it’s too long? Are you saying that you won’t wait for me?”
I sat down on the couch. “I don’t know if I can wait, Chris.”
He kneeled in front of me. “What are you talking about? It’s only four months, baby. I’m no good to you here right now. I need to get away and clear my head, and when I get back, we can go ahead and get married. I’ll be able to be a husband to you.”
I stared down at my hands in my lap. “What am I supposed to do in the meantime, Chris? I quit my job and I’m miles away from my home. Am I just supposed to sit here all by myself and wait?”
I looked up to see a shocked look on his face. He was quiet. I had a feeling he wasn’t sure what to say.
I looked him in the eye. “You haven’t even considered me in all of this, have you? You just expect me to say okay and go along with this and sit here in your condo and wait for you, don’t you?”
Chris sat down beside me. “I… I’m not trying to hurt you, and I don’t wanna lose you, Marli. I’m not leaving you. I just need to get away for awhile. I thought you’d understand.”
Tears began to crowd my eyes again. “I do understand, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. You don’t need my approval, you don’t have anything tying you to me, and you don’t owe me anything. Just… just go ahead. Leave.” You were gonna do it anyway. Everybody does.
He placed his hand on my cheek. “Will you be here when I come back?”
I rubbed my finger across his lips and shrugged. “I don’t know.”
He shook his head. “I don’t wanna go unless I know you’ll be here when I get back.”
“I can’t promise you anything, Chris. All I can say is, if we’re meant to be together, we’ll be
together.”
He leaned in and kissed me softly. “I love you, Marli.”
“I know you do, Chris. I know you do. I love you, too.”