“No! No! Tristan, please don’t do this! You can’t do this!” I said, grabbing his hand. He turned his face and smiled softly, trying to reassure me everything was going to be fine, telling me with his eyes that I would be fine.
“I can’t let them hurt you because of me, Joe. I can’t. I won’t. I have to do this now. I love you. I will always love you. You have to let me go,” he said, pulling his hand away.
I couldn’t believe what was happening! We had a plan! And he was giving up on everything! He couldn’t do that! I turned to Vigil, my eyes filling with despair and pain. “Vigil! Don’t do this to him!” I begged.
He didn’t dare to look me in the eyes. He stared at the ground and didn’t say anything.
“I’ll hate you for ever if you do this,” I threatened him.
“I know,” he said sadly. “I hope you forgive me some day,” he said. He turned and looked at Tristan. “The others will have no mercy. I’m doing this to protect her,” he said, with so much sadness in his voice.
Tristan nodded and walked towards him.
“Please, don’t!” I shouted again.
Vigil made a small signal with his hand, and then I was outside the circle, looking at Tristan and Vigil still standing in the middle of it. Time returned to its natural pace then, as the clock finally struck midnight and fireworks exploded in the dark sky, loud and piercing bright.
New Year had come.
An excruciating pain ripped inside my chest, making my knees buckle, and I hit the ground hard. I looked up and saw Vigil’s hand resting on Tristan’s shoulder.
Our bond was breaking; I could feel it dissolving inside me. I wasn’t his guardian any more. I couldn’t protect him. There was nothing I could do but watch him go.
A stabbing pain exploded in my wrist, flooding up my arm, making me cry out in agonizing pain. All the boys turned their faces to look at me, surprise and shock flashing in their eyes. They didn’t understand why one second I was in the middle of the circle and the next I was kneeling outside, farther away from everybody and crying in pain. Harry ran in my direction while I watched Tristan sitting in the grass, Vigil kneeling right by his side. Seth was coming over to help me too, and Josh and Sam.
Nobody was looking at the middle of the circle; nobody was paying any attention to Tristan there. They were too worried about me to realize what was happening. I cried out again, trying to warn them, but no words came out. Tristan was lying down now; I couldn’t see his eyes any more, his beautiful, sad gray eyes.
Sky appeared out of thin air, and was standing still right behind him. She glanced up and her eyes locked with mine for a split second. She winked at me at the same time that Harry moved, kneeling in front of me, blocking my view for a brief second. The pain in my body was unbearable.
It felt like someone had ripped a piece out of my chest. I stood up and pushed my way clear of the boys. No one was in the circle any more. Sky and Vigil had vanished. And Tristan was gone. I buried my hands in my hair, trying to organize my jumbled thoughts. Seth wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
“Joey, w-what happened?”
“He’s gone. Tristan’s gone,” I whispered, staring at the ground. “There was nothing I could do.”
Fireworks were still exploding in the sky, loud and disrespectfully cheerful.
“I need to find him,” I said, standing up, a deranged look on my face. “I need to see him. I know I still can see him. I could always see him, even as ghost! He must be in here somewhere!”
“Joe …” Seth began, but I was beyond any reasoning. I needed to see him again.
It was all that mattered to me now. I started walking through the cemetery’s dark lanes. The fireworks were fewer now, the noise dying out gradually. I was thankful for that. The New Year’s celebration made me feel like the world’s happiness was mocking me, sneering at my pain. I walked alone, calling out for Tristan, seeking desperately for a glimpse of him between the gravestones, but I found nothing.
I don’t remember how long I walked for. I bumped into a few people wandering into the graveyard, still celebrating the New Year, but after a while the celebrations ended and people went away to their homes, and there was nobody left in there but me.
I found myself again near Tristan’s tomb. I had already passed by it a couple of times. Maybe this time he would be there. Maybe this time I’d get to see him. I stopped in front of it, calling out for Tristan one more time. Again there was no reply. I sat on the ground and leaned my back against the tomb, pulling my jacket closer to my body, trying to keep the warmth inside. Why wasn’t he here? Why couldn’t I see him any more?
Was he gone for good?
I must have drifted off to sleep soon after that. I was so tired, I didn’t even remember closing my eyes. When I opened them again, the place was pitch dark and I could scarcely see anything around me. I blinked a couple of times, adjusting my eyesight to the darkness. I saw snow falling over the headstones, and over me. I tried to shake the snow off of me, but my movements were stiff and slow. I was so cold. I pushed myself up, but I wasn’t strong enough and my body slumped heavily back again onto the ground. I was freezing to death. I tried to shout for help, but my voice came out as a rough whisper. I looked around, trying to figure out what to do.
I tried to hoist myself up, but had no strength left. My body was shutting down, little by little. I was feeling so cold and so very tired. I knew if I went to sleep here, I would not wake up again. I was probably hypothermic. I buried my face in my hands, but a piercing pain shot through my wrist again, making me flinch and whimper. When I unclasped my face, I saw Vigil standing right in front of me.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I growled at him.
“You need to leave this place, Joe,” he said quietly, and took a step closer.
“What do you care?” I shouted, anger making my voice rise up.
“I care about you, Joe,” he said sadly.
“No, you don’t give a shit about me, or you wouldn’t have taken him from me! Where is he?” I asked angrily.
“He is where he is supposed to be,” he said and glanced around. “You need help to leave, Joe,” he said quietly, and leaned in, trying to help me stand up.
I immediately flinched, screaming and thrashing against him. “No! Don’t touch me!” I screamed.
“Joe, please. Let me help you,” he pleaded.
“NO! This is all your fault!” I yelled, and thrashed even more when he tried to get a hold of me. “I don’t want to see you ever again! It’s you who should be dead, not him!” I spat out angrily. I was beyond crazy now, lost in all my pain.
He took a step away from me. “They would have come for him still,” he said coldly.
“I hate you!” I shouted, losing all control. “I don’t want to see you again! And I don’t need your fucking help!”
Vigil stared at me sadly for a second and disappeared. The fight with him had taken away all the remaining energy I had. I lay there on the ground, trying to think. My fingers were blue and I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my coat, trying to keep them warm, and my hand nudged cold metal. My cell phone! In my frozen state I had forgotten about it. I switched it on and the first missed-call message popped on to the screen. It was Josh. I hit the call button and pressed the phone to my ear, praying for him to pick up. “Josh, pick up, pick up, pick up,” I whispered.
His voice buzzed in on the second beep. “Joey? Is that you?” he asked, sounding worried.
“Josh! I need your help …” My voice came out softer than I intended.
“We’ve been calling you and looking for you for hours! Where are you?” he asked urgently.
I looked around. I had no idea. All I could see was snow, and darkness, and graves. “I-I don’t know where I am, Josh. I’m s-so c-cold. I fell asleep and lost track of time,” I said desperately.
“I’m in the centre of the cemetery, do you think you can shout?” he asked. He was searching for me. But I was too weak to shout. “
Wait …” Josh said. “Okay. Got it. I know where you are. I’m coming to get you,” he said, hanging up.
I stared at the phone, trying to understand what had happened. How could Josh find me here, in this dark? The place was too big and I didn’t even have the energy to cry. Then I saw a dark silhouette coming over to me, a few feet away. I inhaled deeply and shouted Josh’s name as loud as I could. He responded by kneeling at my side and hugging me.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” I whispered.
“It’s all right. Everything will be all right. I’ve got you,” he said, and carried me away in his arms. I didn’t have the strength to explain anything. I just wanted out of this cold.
I don’t remember much of how Josh got me home. I found out later that all The Lost Boys had been looking for me, and that my mom and everyone had been frantically worried. Back in my room, my mom put blankets and covers over me. Soon I wasn’t feeling so cold any more, and was able to ask Josh how he’d been able to find me so quickly.
“That Vigil dude just zapped in front of me and told me where you were. Scared the hell out of me, I thought it was a trick, and all, but I followed his directions and you were there where he said you’d be,” Josh said.
Before they all started asking about what had happened, my mom said, “Okay, guys, she needs to rest now. You all go downstairs now, and I’ll make you some tea,” she ordered and they all obeyed promptly.
But after they had all left, she sat on my bed with a serious look on her face. “Honey, I was so worried. Please tell me you’re not going to do this again,” she pleaded.
I sighed heavily and lay my head on the pillow. “I’m not going back to the cemetery any more, Mom. He’s not there,” I said numbly, and turned my back to her. “I just want to be alone now,” I said quietly.
“Okay, Joey. Rest. Call me if you need anything,” she said softly.
After she left I tossed and turned in my bed, unable to sleep. I could still smell Tristan’s scent when I sunk my face in the pillow. I felt grateful for it and tortured by it at the same time. I kept replaying New Year’s Eve night over and over again in my head, remembering Tristan’s last words to me. I stood up and walked to my closet, opening the first drawer where I kept Tristan’s photo booth shots. I needed to see his face again. I fumbled inside the drawer and pulled the photo strip out. A paper note came wrapped around it. I opened it and instantly recognized Tristan’s neat handwriting on the paper. I picked up the paper and walked back to my bed, turning on my night-stand lamp. I unwrapped the note and smoothed the paper, focusing hard on the writing.
Promise you’ll remember me, and give your smile for the world to see
Promise you’ll live life to its fullest and that you won’t let sorrow take over
Sing, dance, shine, be the best you can be, and I’ll be happy knowing that you did
Be my rising star
Be the joy in my heart
Promise that you’ll try to see that your happiness means everything to me
I will always be with you, no matter what, until the very end and from the start
In a soft wind stroking your face, in a sunny day
When you feel your heart go warm
When you shiver in a wavering storm
Whenever a song touches you inside
I’ll be there by your side
Promise you’ll dream of something new
And know that I will always, always love you
No matter what
Until the end and from the start.
Yours always
Tristan
Tristan was saying his goodbye to me in a poem; the goodbye he didn’t have a chance to say before. I felt tears falling down my face and I couldn’t stop them any more. Tristan was gone, and he was never coming back.
Chapter Forty-One
Keep Breathing
Next day I woke up with a start and immediately reached for Tristan. Then I remembered I was never going to find him there again, and I started crying and didn’t stop all day long. My mom came to talk to me, and then the boys and Tiffany, but I didn’t listen to any of them, I curled up in a small ball beneath my covers, not answering any of their pleas for me to eat or to go downstairs or get out of bed.
I kept Tristan’s note under my pillow. Just knowing it was there comforted me. Night came and I still couldn’t sleep, but at the same all I wanted to do was lie in bed. I prayed for the blessing of unconsciousness. It was the only time I wasn’t thinking about Tristan. I was heartsick, a devastating emptiness where he used to be. He had been my best friend, my room-mate, my companion, the love of my life … and now he was gone.
My mom kept telling me that the pain would fade with time, but days and nights passed and the emptiness in my chest remained. How can you forget a piece of you that is missing? I missed him all the time. I longed for his kisses, the taste of him, his face smiling at me, the warmth of his embrace, the blazing gray of his eyes. I kept replaying all those little moments of immense happiness we had together, all the times we’d shared: they flashed like a movie in my mind.
When I finally managed to drift into sleep, the nightmares came to haunt me. I dreamed that I was drowning and couldn’t breathe. I woke up every time sweating and breathing fast, and started crying all over again until I was exhausted and drifted into sleep and yet another round of horrible nightmares.
My mom, Tiff and the boys came every day to try to talk me out of my depression. But the only time I talked was to tell them to go away. But they kept coming back.
I lost track of time completely. Sorrow was taking over, claiming me piece by piece until there was nothing left to fight for. Then one day I was woken by a soft knock on the door. I turned over in my bed and blinked sleepily at Harry standing there. He walked slowly inside with a tray of food, and put the tray down on my night-stand, staring at me with a deep, serious frown.
“Harry? You’re still here?” I mumbled, confused. “I thought you’d all left …”
“No. I’m still here. We are all still here,” he said, and he balled up his fists at his sides. “You need to stop this,” he said angrily. I had never seen Harry so angry before. His eyes were hard and his voice was sharp and clipped. “I know you’re hurting. But you need to eat. I’ve lost him too, but I’m not going to lose you!” he added, and I saw so much pain in his eyes it made me realize I wasn’t the only one grieving for Tristan.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “Please forgive me,” I said, and finally left the cold comfort of my bed to hug him. He wrapped his arms around me, tears in his eyes. I had never seen Harry cry either. It was a side of him I wished I hadn’t seen. I wanted him happy again. I wanted to hear his loud laughs and see his emerald eyes smiling at me.
“I’m gonna eat. I’ll do whatever you want. Please stop crying,” I whispered in his ear. I hugged him for a long time, until I sensed he was calmer, and then I stepped away and sat on my bed, patting a place for him to sit next to me. I grabbed the tray and put it over my lap, staring at its contents.
“So … what’s lunch?” I asked, smiling weakly at him.
“It’s … I don’t know,” he said, sitting next to me and wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. “Seth made it. I think it’s soup of something,” he mumbled.
“Soup of something. My favorite!” I joked feebly, grabbing the spoon. I gave him a sideways glance as he watched me eat. He looked paler and thinner than usual. I ate in silence for a while. “You look like you haven’t been eating either,” I pointed out between spoonfuls.
“I have been eating,” he said, smiling softly at my concerned looks.
“Did you eat this soup?”
“Yeah, yeah. Soup of something is my favorite too,” he muttered, then he shuffled uncomfortably. “I’m sorry, Joe. I didn’t mean to shout at you …”
“That’s okay. I needed it. I’ve been a lousy friend.” I put the empty bowl back on the tray. “Do you think Seth, Tiff, Josh and Sam will forgive me? None
of you guys deserved this treatment from me.”
“Tiff, no doubt about it, and Seth will forgive you too if he sees you eating again. As will Sam and Josh, if you get out of your room sometimes and spend time with them again,” he said hopefully.
“What about you? Do you forgive me?” I asked quietly, glancing up at his glinting green eyes.
“Only if you keep up that ‘I’ll do whatever you want’ deal,” he said seriously.
“Okay. Deal,” I said, hugging him again.
“So you can start by taking a bath now. You’ve outdone me with the longest-time-without-a-bath record.”
I smiled and nodded. “Okay, Harry. A bath it is, then.”
I took a long bath, enjoying the feeling of hot water on my skin. I washed my hair and stayed under the water for a long time, because it felt really good, like it was washing away a tiny piece of my pain. When I walked back to my room wrapped in a big towel, Harry was still there, snoozing away in my bed. I tiptoed inside and put on fresh sweat pants and a clean top before sitting back on my bed at Harry’s side. He was sleeping so peacefully that I didn’t have the courage to wake him up. I lay down and snuggled close to him, and the sway in the mattress made him shift and turn to his side, settling his head comfortably in my pillow, facing me. I looked down at Harry for a long time, looking at his straight nose and thin lips, the pale skin over his cheekbones. He was one of my best friends and I loved him so much. I immediately planned to go downstairs and apologize to the boys – and to mom and Tiff – but I fell asleep by Harry’s side instead.
I woke up in his arms the next morning. At the first second of consciousness, I thought it was Tristan by my side, but the weight of his arms was wrong, and his scent was different, hazelnutty. I knew it was Harry even though my eyes were still closed. I had one arm wrapped over his waist, my face resting cozily against his collar-bone. I had slept through the whole night uninterrupted by my usual nightmares. Harry had guarded my dreams.