TARAT: I think so, Dan. They have three of the most talented young receivers in the league and a strong offensive line.
AKBAR: They also have that criminal, Ju Tweedy.
DAN: What do you mean, criminal?
TARAT: Criminal means someone who breaks the law, Dan.
DAN: I know what criminal means, Smasher! Akbar, Tweedy hasn’t been convicted of anything.
AKBAR: Right, and those murder charges were just fabricated. Listen, Dan, Ju has money and the connections of Gredok the Splithead. He’s guilty as sin, but he’ll get off.
DAN: Sometimes I can’t believe my life involves being around you every day.
AKBAR: If you want to call what you’ve got a life, go for it.
DAN: Moving on to the Tier One playoffs. It looks like a shoot-’em-up in the Solar Division. The New Rodina Astronauts should beat the seven-and-five Bord Brigands, then move on to face the winner of the Jupiter Jacks and the Neptune Scarlet Fliers. I think the Astronauts’ great defense sets them up for a run at their fourth GFL title.
TARAT: Don’t write off the Planet Division, Dan. Just because the Dreadnaughts, the Ice Storm, and the Wolfpack have four losses each doesn’t mean they can’t win if they reach the title match.
AKBAR: I just don’t see that happening, Tarat. Those Planet Division teams beat each other up too much during the regular season.
TARAT: I’ll call it now, a Planet Division team will upset the Astronauts in the Galaxy Bowl.
DAN: All right, smart guy, if you’re so confident, who’s going to win it all?
TARAT: I pick the Wabash Wolfpack. Coach Alan Roark has them peaking at just the right time.
DAN: Improbable, at best. Akbar, how about you?
AKBAR: I’m going with the Jupiter Jacks. I think they have the capacity to upset the Astronauts in the second round, then win out from there.
DAN: And I’ll stick with my pick, the New Rodina Astronauts. The ’Stros only have one loss this year, they’ve beaten all the good teams, and I say they’ll take it. But who cares what we say, let’s go to the calls. Line four from Hittoni, go.
CALLER: Yeah, Smasher, how can you say the Wolfpack will win it? They lost four games this season. What are you, stupid?
TARAT: Stupid? Why don’t you just tell me where you are so we can meet, talk about it in person.
DAN: Smasher, now take it easy—
TARAT: I’ll cut open your belly and show you all the black stuff you’ve got inside there, I’ll—”
DAN: Okay! Moving on! Line three from Rodina, go!
MEDIA COVERAGE OF TIER ONE PLAYOFFS AND CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
From Galaxy Sports Magazine
* * *
GFL Playoff Parings, Relegations Announced
* * *
by YOLANDA DAVENPORT
* * *
NEW YORK, EARTH, PLANETARY UNION — The 25th GFL season has come to a close, and with the final regular-season game begins the road to Galaxy Bowl XXV. There are no easy routes to reach D’Kow Stadium, the host of the GFL’s grand dance. While there are clear favorites, the title is truly up for grabs.
In the Solar Division, the New Rodina Astronauts earned the top seed with a dominant 11-1 record, their only loss coming in a Week Four to the Yall Criminals (6-6). In the opening round, the ’Stros will host the fourth-seeded Bord Brigands (7-5). The Jupiter Jacks (9-3) landed the second seed, earning them a home game against the Neptune Scarlet Fliers (9-3). Bitter rivals, the Jacks beat the Scarlet Fliers in the second week to notch home field advantage via the head-to-head tiebreaker.
On the Planet Division side, the Themala Dreadnaughts (9-3) earned the first seed. Themala hosts the Alimum Armada (7-5). Wabash and Isis finished with identical 8-4 records, but thanks to 24-17 win in Week Seven, the Wolfpack get the home game based on the head-to-head tiebreaker.
PLAYOFFS 2683
RELEGATIONS ANNOUNCED
While it’s no surprise, the official report is in from the GFL head office. The Chillich Spider-Bears (1-11) and the Mars Planets (4-8) have been relegated to Tier Two. As for their replacements, we will have to wait for the completion of the upcoming Tier Two season and the subsequent T2 Tourney.
From the Leekee Galaxy Times
* * *
Astronauts, Dreadnaughts dominate in first round of GFL playoffs
by KELP BRINGER
NEW RODINA, WILSON 6, LEAGUE OF PLANETS — Where there were eight, now there are four.
The New Rodina Astronauts completely dominated the Bord Brigands, earning a first-round 21-0 shutout. The Astronauts’ defense controlled the game, holding the Brigands to just 213 yards of total offense.
* * *
Where there were eight, now there are four.
* * *
The ’Stros are now one game from the Galaxy Bowl, where they hope to represent the Solar Division. To make that trip, New Rodina has to defeat the Neptune Scarlet Fliers. The Fliers shocked the galaxy with a 14-10 first-round upset over their archrivals and defending GFL champs the Jupiter Jacks. Word from Neptune is that the parties are still raging a full day after the game.
On the Planet Division side, the Themala Dreadnaughts doubled up on the Alimum Armada, 28-14. The game was never really in question as running back Donald Dennis posted a banner day, carrying the ball 24 times for 134 yards and all four Dreader touchdowns. In the other Planet Division game, the Wabash Wolfpack topped the Isis Ice Storm 28-21. Wabash’s fullback Ralph Schmeer seemed to be their secret weapon, unexpectedly scoring three touchdowns. Schmeer scored on runs of 1 and 2 yards, and he hauled in a 4-yard Rich Bennett pass with eighteen seconds left in the game to give Wabash the win.
Themala now hosts the Wolfpack, with the winner earning a trip to the Galaxy Bowl.
From the Net Colony News Syndicate
* * *
Astronauts vs. Wolfpack for the 2683 GFL Championship
by JONATHAN SANDOVAL
WABASH, FORTRESS, TOWER REPUBLIC — The invitations are sent, the RSVPs received, and we now know the two attendees of the big dance.
New Rodina manhandled the Neptune Scarlet Fliers, 38-21. New Rodina linebacker Douglas Glisson had a legendary game with seven solo tackles, four assists, two interceptions and three sacks on Fliers QB Adam Gurri.
That win is New Rodina’s thirteenth of the season, and by all accounts the ’Stros look damn near unstoppable.
Here in Wabash, the Wolfpack defense put on a surprising show, holding the pass-happy Isis Ice Storm to just one touchdown in a 17-7 win.
“This is what we play for,” said Wolfpack owner Gloria Ogawa. “We’re bringing the hardware home.”
The Wolfpack will become only the fifth team in GFL history to play in at least three Galaxy Bowls. Wabash won it all in 2669, but lost to the Ionath Krakens back in 2665.
This is New Rodina’s fourth Galaxy Bowl appearance. The Astronauts are 3-and-0 in the big dance, winning the GFL title in 2660, 2663 and 2679.
The Astronauts are favored by eight points in the championship game.
“This is what we play for. We’re bringing the hardware home.”
—GLORIA OGAWA, WOLFPACK OWNER
From UBS Sports
* * *
Wolfpack Win Galaxy Bowl in Double-Overtime Shocker
by PIKOR THE ASSUMING
D’KOW, NEW WHITOK, WHITOK KINGDOM — In a game that may go down as the greatest Galaxy Bowl of them all, the Wabash Wolfpack left no question that they are the champions of the universe.
“If you want to be the best, you have to beat the best,” said Wolfpack coach Alan Roark. “Well, the Astronauts were the best. We wanted the title, we had to go through them to take it, and take it we did.”
An amazing, double-overtime game saw the Wolfpack claim the GFL championship with a 23-17 victory. The Wolfpack won on a trick play when quarterback Rich Bennett pitched wide left to running back John Ellsworth. Ellsworth ran to the sidelines, only to stop and throw all the way across the field to Bennett for
a 45-yard touchdown pass.
“It was meant to be,” Ellsworth said. “I give thanks to Jesus, because clearly, Jesus loves the Wolfpack and hates the Astronauts. Thank you, Jesus!”
In what has become a pattern and a hallmark for victory, the Wolfpack had zero turnovers on the night. The Astronauts, on the other hand, gave up the ball three times: twice on interceptions by quarterback Rick Renaud and once on a fumble by running back Steven Schacknies.
“Our three turnovers were the difference,” Renaud said. “We didn’t take care of the ball. I think we’re a better team, but we weren’t tonight. The Wolfpack earned the win. They are the champs.”
This is the second GFL championship for Wabash. They also become only the fifth team in league history to earn more than one Galaxy Bowl title.
“If you want to be the best, you have to beat the best.”
-ALAN ROARK, WABASH WOLFPACK COACH
From the OS1 Tribune
* * *
Orbiting Death win the T2 Tournament, advance to Tier One
by SHAKA THE IMPERSONATOR
HUDSON BAY, EARTH, PLANETARY UNION — Tier One, say hello to metalflake red and flat black.
The Orbiting Death won the Tier Two Tournament with a 14-10 victory over the Texas Earthlings. Death quarterback Condor Adrienne played the first half of the game, completing twelve passes on sixteen attempts with one touchdown, before Ganesha Fritz came in for the second-half. Fritz completed eight passes on sixteen attempts and was intercepted twice by Earthlings linebacker Alonzo Castro.
On the defensive side, Yalla the Biter continues to be the Death’s top player. Yalla racked up seven tackles and two sacks, including one that put Earthlings quarterback Case Johanson out of the game. Texas relied heavily on running back Peter Lowachee for the rest of the game. Lowachee gained 114 yards on 17 carries, and picked up the Earthlings’ only touchdown.
The championship completes an amazing and surprising season for the Death. After losing dominant running back Ju Tweedy to legal complications during the off-season, most analysts thought the Death couldn’t win the Quyth Irradiated Conference. Death owner Anna Villani, however, made key personnel acquisitions that gave the team a new identity.
“Signing Condor Adrienne was my biggest stroke of brilliance,” Villani said. “He’s the best quarterback in football right now, far better than that scrub [Quentin Barnes] from Ionath. And Yalla the Biter revitalized our defense. His aggressive play embodies the Orbiting Death philosophy.”
Yalla the Biter finished the season with two more confirmed kills, extending his record-holding status as the GFL’s all-time most-lethal player.
By playing in the Tier Two Tournament championship game, both the Orbiting Death and the Earthlings earned promotion to Tier One. The Death will play in the Planet Division, replacing the demoted Mars Planets. The Earthlings will play in the Solar Division, replacing the demoted Chillich Spider-Bears.
THE END
Scott Sigler, The Starter
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