“Serenity!” Spike calls. “Can’t go in there.”
I spin around, panting. “I’m covered in spew, I’m cuffed, where the fuck do you want me to go?”
He gives me a sympathetic look. “Come here, I’ve got some water and a shirt, I’ll uncuff you.”
“Not wise,” Jackson grunts.
I storm over, so angry, so ashamed, and I shove him hard in the chest. “Fuck you Jackson! What do you think I’m going to do? Whip out a gun and shoot the lot of you?”
“I wouldn’t fuckin’ know, ‘coz you’re a fuckin’ liar!”
“I had no choice,” I scream. “What would you have done?”
“That’s beside the point, we ain’t talkin’ about me.”
I’m shaking all over, I smell, and I look like crap, but I don’t care. “How dare you be so judgmental. How dare you! You would die for your daughter, yet it’s not ok for me to look after the only family I know. Fuck you.”
“I shouldn’t be the one you’re fuckin’ angry at,” he roars. “You should be fuckin’ angry at yourself. You’re the lying, cheating, scumbag.”
I jerk, and clench my jaw. “I can’t believe I ever thought you were different. I can’t believe I thought this club was something different. You’re not. You’re just like him. A cold hearted pig. I can’t believe I ever let myself love you.”
His body jerks, and his eyes widen with a mix of both hurt and anger. I spin before he can answer, and I hurry towards the front of the truck. Spike follows me, and carefully uncuffs my hands when we stop. Then he hands me a bottle of water.
“He’s hurt,” he says gently. “Give it time.”
“I don’t want, or need time,” I say in a monotone. “I just want out of here.”
Spike sighs, but says nothing as I strip off my shirt and rinse my stomach. Then I pull on a shirt of his, and raise my hands so he can slap on those awful cuffs again. He does, giving me a gentle expression.
“I know what he’s like,” he says.
“None of you know what he’s like,” I hiss.
“I do, he killed my wife. I saw it. I’ve seen how bad he is. I know you ain’t a bad person; you just have to understand that club rules are club rules. We have to do this.”
I look down, and my eyes burn again. I’m sure it’s from dehydration just as much as it is emotion. “I never wanted to hurt anyone; I did the best I could.”
“Yeah,” he says, patting my shoulder. “I know you did.”
“She can ride up front with us,” Cade says, coming around the side of the truck. “There’s room next to Ciara. Addison said she’d sit up back for a while with Jackson.”
“No, it’s ok,” I whisper.
Ciara and Addison walk around the truck then, and Addi walks over, a little more careful this time. “You’re pregnant; you need to be out of that heat. We’re nearly there, it’s ok.”
I don’t bother arguing; I just nod my head and climb into the truck. A moment later, Ciara joins me. She surprises me by reaching over and taking my hand.
Neither of us say anything.
We don’t have to.
It’s just there.
~*~*~*~*
JACKSON
It burns. It fucking burns. Betrayal, it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. It’s reliving Addison’s mother all over again. Except this time, I really had given my heart over. I love Serenity, heart and motherfuckin’ soul, and she betrayed me. I can’t think around it, I can’t breathe without it hurting. Everything I started to believe in, is now fucking gone.
“Daddy,” Addison whispers beside me.
I don’t look at her, but I feel her hand sneak into mine, and she grips it.
“It’s not her fault.”
I want to scream at her, to shake her, to tell her it is Serenity’s fault. She made the fucking choice. She lied. She did this. Not me. And now she’s pregnant, fuck, she’s pregnant and it fucking hurts. It hurts because I am too soft, I don’t want to leave a child alone, and I sure as shit don’t wanna leave it in Hogan’s world. I’d never live with myself. But right now, I can’t even look at her. The anger inside me is so huge, I want to kill someone.
And she said she loves me.
She fucking loves me.
Love is bullshit. It’s a bullshit fucking lie that people make you believe will fix everything.
It fixes nothing.
“Daddy, she’s pregnant...she needs care.”
“Then you can fuckin’ care for her, if you feel the need to baby her so much,” I bark.
A few of the guys look over at me, but most of them keep their heads down. Addison pulls her hand from mine, and when I glance over at her, she’s giving me a look of pure hurt.
“That baby is a part of me, just like it’s a part of you. I don’t care how much you hate Serenity...that is your child. Would you have thrown me out so easily? Or is this what really happened with me?”
I turn on her, gripping her shoulders. “Watch what you fuckin’ accuse me of, Addison. I stood by your fuckin’ mother while she was pregnant.”
“But you won’t stand by Serenity.”
“She fucking lied to me.”
“So? So what? She fucked up. She’s paying for it. She was protecting someone she loved, which is more than you can say for yourself right now. Maybe she’s right; maybe you are just as cold hearted as her father.”
She shuffles through the crowd until she finds Muff, and she sits down beside him. I growl, and clench my fists.
Fuck this.
Just fuck it.
~*CHAPTER 19*~
SERENITY
The warehouse is large, three times the size of my fathers. It’s a solid two hours away from the compound, too, making it safer. It’s fully fenced, and the inside is sectioned into two, large, air-conditioned spaces. We basically halve it up, one lot of guys in one side, another in the other side, and us girls get a large office at the back. We all have air mattresses, or sleeping bags. We all found something we could sleep on. Jackson has a small space at the back to himself. Maybe it’s also an office? I don’t know.
Spike is taking the truck back for another run to get everyone’s clothes, plus some food and water. The warehouse is surrounded by thick, green trees, and there’s a creek running along the back of it. It’s very pretty up here, and if I wasn’t in the position I’m in right now, I’d really like this stay. Instead, I am curled up on the floor, Janine pressed against my back sleeping, and Ebony tucked into my arms, also sleeping. I’m not sleeping. I’m just staring.
Depression is a funny thing. It can creep up on you so quickly. One day, you can be feeling totally ok, the next you can think of nothing but escaping the pain. I feel trapped, like there’s no escape. Jackson hates me, and I have nowhere else to go after this but back to Hogan. I won’t do that. I won’t bring a child into that world. Janine said we could get a place together, but let’s face it, we’re both broke and have no job experience.
I’ve got no way out.
Suicide is selfish, or so everyone tells you. But when you’re in a position, where everything seems pointless, where you forget how to feel, how to love, how to breathe...then it doesn’t seem so selfish. Besides, it’s only selfish when you have someone to leave behind. I don’t. I have no one except Janine and Eb’s, and they’d be just fine without me. Of course they would. They would create their own world without me in it.
My chest clenches at the terrifying thought that I am actually contemplating my own life. I shake a little, and gently pry Ebony from my arms and get to my feet. I need to walk. To breathe. Something. I need to get these thoughts out, I need them to disappear. Something has to give. It has to. I can’t keep going on like this. I don’t want to keep feeling so broken. So empty.
I walk out into the main area, and there is a group of bikers surrounding a table. They’re all drinking and talking amongst themselves. I walk past them. My face blank.
“Serenity?” Spike calls.
I keep wal
king.
His fingers curl around my arm a moment later, and he spins me around. He jerks at my expression, because I know it’s completely empty. Not one, single emotion shows on my face. “You can’t go out there.”
I shake my arm from his grip, and turn, walking back towards the room. Like a zombie.
I feel like I’m empty.
Like there’s just nothing left.
As soon as I get back in, I curl up on a chair, facing the window. I stay there, even when Janine wakes and tries to get me out. I smile for Ebony, but it’s forced. Addi tries to make me eat, I decline. I don’t hear from Jackson, and I don’t care to. When the night falls, and the bikers start drinking, I finally move from my chair. No one is in the room, so I venture out, desperate for some water. Then I very much plan to go and sit back down to continue on being a prisoner.
I hear laughter outside, so I figure it’s safe enough to find the fridge and get what I need. I walk into the small kitchenette when I hear giggling, I squint and my blood runs cold. Kayla is sitting on the bench, legs spread, and Jackson is standing between them, clearly drunk by the way he’s swaying. He’s laughing about something. Laughing. Like the past few days have meant nothing to him. Like it doesn’t matter at all that I am in there, pregnant with his child.
I gasp.
He turns.
His eyes widen for a moment, before turning back to that cold emptiness. He’s not actually doing anything but standing there flirting, but it burns all the same. I spin around, gasping for air as I rush towards the front door. I get to it, realizing everyone is outside and turn frantically, heading for the back door. I get out and into the fresh air, and struggle to breathe it in. I feel a set of arms stop me, and I spin angrily to see Muff .
“Stop her!” I hear Jackson yell.
Muff tightens his grips on me, and when Jackson appears in the doorway, he rasps, “I got her boss, she’s fine.”
Jackson turns his eyes to me, but I look away.
“It wasn’t...”
“Go to hell, Jackson,” I rasp.
“I got it boss,” Muff says again. “I got it.”
“Serenity...” Jackson says again.
I glare at him, my entire body shaking. “Go to fuckin hell, Jackson. Didn’t you hear me?” I scream. “Just leave me alone. I don’t need you. I don’t want you. Just GO!”
He looks hurt. Fuck him for looking hurt. He has no right to look hurt.
“Don’t let her go,” he rasps to Muff.
“I won’t.”
He turns and disappears into the warehouse, and my knees crumble.
“Whoa, princess, hey...I got you.”
Muff wraps his arms around me, keeping me upright. He holds me until I stop shaking, and then I begin to struggle out of his arms.
“You can’t go out there alone, princess.”
“What do you care?” I bark. “I thought we were friends.”
“We are...”
“No,” I cry, shoving him backwards. “We’re not! You were going to shoot me.”
He looks like I’ve slapped him. “I wouldn’t have shot you, but I had to be a part of that.”
My lip trembles, and he stretches his hand out, offering his comfort. I shake my head furiously.
“I don’t want your help!” I cry.
“Yeah, you do. You’re fallin’ to pieces, Serenity.”
“I am not! I’m just doing what I have to do...”
“Until what?” he barks, shocking me. “Until you fall into a thousand fucking pieces, or you kill your fucking baby because you break down? You need someone, I don’t fucking care if you want it or not!”
“I just saw him in there with Kayla,” I whisper, dropping my head and giving in.
“Aw shit.”
“He wasn’t...it wasn’t like that, but...he doesn’t care about me,” I rasp. “He doesn’t care that I’m pregnant.”
“He cares, he’s just hurtin’...”
“I fucked up.”
“It can be undone.”
I shake my head. “I’m scared, Muff.”
“Hey, come here...come with me.”
He reaches out, and wearily I take his hand. He leads me inside and past Jackson, who watches us as we head to Muff’s made up bed on the floor. Muff sits on it, offering me his hand. I crawl down with him, and he pulls me into his arms.
“W-w-what are you doing?” I ask.
“Givin’ you some comfort. You’re fucked. Your eyes are dark and your body is tired. You need to rest. Lie down, let me hold you.”
“I...can’t.”
“You can,” he says gently. “Now come on.”
He pulls me down into his arms, and then rolls us so his chest is pressed against my back, and I’m tucked neatly against him. I close my eyes, forcing back the tears, and just enjoying a moment of comfort with someone. I feel Muff lift his head and shake it, and I know it’s towards Jackson. I don’t care. I just need someone to show me some sort of friendship, just for a moment.
Muff does that.
He holds onto me until I fall into a fitful sleep.
And he stays there with me all night.
~*~*~*~
JACKSON
DAY 3
“She’s not eaten a thing, boss. She’s starving.”
I stare at the window, my face blank as Cade speaks.
“Jackson!”
I turn slowly. “I can’t make her eat, Cade.”
“Fuck, what is wrong with you? She’s starving. Do you hear me? She’s fucking starving. She’ll kill that baby.”
“Probably for the best.”
Cade hits me, hard. “Snap the fuck out of it!”
I don’t move.
I don’t even blink.
Blood runs down my mouth, and I feel my own tongue slide out and lick it from my lip. He hit me, and most of the time I’d have him on his ass, but right now, I don’t care. I want to care. Something inside me is tugging to explode, but my mind is blocking me. I don’t want to feel. Feeling ends up in pain, and I’m tired of hurting. The two women in my life that I’ve loved have hurt me. I can’t go back. Can’t do it again.
I’m numb, and each day it just gets worse.
“We need to send her to Hogan’s compound this afternoon...if she doesn’t eat...”
“Send her anyway,” I say, my voice empty.
“Jackson.”
I spin, glaring at him, feeling my fists shake. “Fucking send her, Cade, you’ve been given direct orders.”
He drops his head. “Fuck, fine, whatever you want. If something happens to her, though, it’s on you.”
~*~*~*~*
SERENITY
They sent me into Hogan’s lot to find out information. They wired me up, and sent me in. I’m starving, my body is weak, but here I am, likely about to get beaten half to death by my father. Better yet, I want him to beat me. I want him to take this pain away. I’m tired of feeling this. I don’t have an escape. I’m trapped, even after all this, I’ve lost my lifeline.
For the first time in my life...I want him to kill me.
“Where have you been?” Hogan barks as soon as I step through the front doors. I look at him, but my face is empty.
“Finding out information,” I say, my voice empty. He doesn’t even notice.
“They’re on lockdown, we’ve been watching them. How did you get out?”
“I climbed out a window.”
“Are they all there?”
“No, you need to give them a few more days for the last of the club to arrive.”
Hogan glares at me. “You lyin’ to me?”
“No, go see for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
I am telling Hogan everything Cade and Spike told me to. I am just following a damned script, basically. Hogan walks forward, gripping my shoulder and shaking me. For the first time in my life, I don’t wince.
“You tell me when they’re all in. We’re going to do a sneak attack, just blow the fuck outta them.” br />
I shrug.
“What the fuck is your problem?”
“You,” I say.
I know what I’m doing. I’m baiting him. I know Cade and Spike are listening to me, but I don’t care. I know right now they’ll be screaming for me to shut up. But I’m tired. I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
“What did you fuckin’ say?”
“You heard me,” I say, staring into his eyes. “My problem is you.”
He raises his fist back, and hits me so hard I am sent flying into a nearby wall. I hit it so hard my head slams back, causing it to spin even worse than it already is. Hogan storms over, lifting me by my shirt and hurling me across the room. I land against the bar, not screaming. I just want it to be over.
“You’re fuckin’ dead!”
I close my eyes.
Hoping he’s right.
~*~*~*~*
JACKSON
“He’s fuckin’ beating her!” Spike roars, tearing out into the main warehouse.
I stare up at him, knowing he’s talking about Serenity.
“Jackson, he’s fuckin’ beating her. We need to get her out.”
I turn and stare out the window. Spike storms over, gripping me hard and dragging me into the office. I don’t fight him. I have no need to fight him. I don’t give a flying fuck what he’s got to say.
Then I hear it. I hear her screams.
“Kill me!” she bellows. “I beg you!”
She wants to die. She’s begging him to kill her.
She. Wants. To. Die.
“Jackson,” I hear Spike yell, but it sounds like a far off hum. I can’t move, my legs won’t work. “Jackson, he’s gonna fuckin’ kill her.”
Can’t move. I can’t breathe. He can’t kill her. No. He can’t fucking kill her.
“You piece of worthless shit. Nothin’ but a waste of fucking air. I’ll fuckin’ kill you, and I’ll fuckin’ enjoy it.”
He’s going to kill her.
“JACKSON! PULL HER OUT!” Spike bellows.
“Get the guys into action,” Cade yells. “Now Jackson!”
I can’t move. Can’t. My body is panicking, my heart is thumping, my fists are clenched, but I can’t open my mouth. I can’t open it.
“Fuck it,” Cade barks, lifting a receiver. “Granger, make a ruckus, anything to get his attention. He’s beatin’ her. We need to get her out. Now.”