Ewan crawled up the bed, his erection hot against her skin as he settled between her legs. He kissed her, hard and long. One hand pressed between them, his thumb finding her clit, then sliding lower to delve inside her slickness. He let out a small, surprised cry, probably at how wet she already was.
Nina shifted, urging him to fill her. He did, but hesitantly, until she gripped his shoulders and hooked her heels over the backs of his thighs. Then he pushed inside her with a long, stuttering groan, and buried his face against the side of her neck. She dug her fingernails into his back and turned her face to whisper into his ear.
“Hard,” she told him.
He did. Hard, fast, brutal—and she loved it. Her orgasm rose, fierce and brightly shining, a shooting star. Nina came with a mouthful of Ewan’s flesh between her teeth. He joined her moments later with a gasp. She soothed the pain with her tongue, then kissed the spots she’d bitten.
They were quiet, after that. He nuzzled against her, his weight a welcome warmth in the sudden shift of breeze coming in off the water. Nina knew she ought to move him before they both fell asleep, but the comfort of their tangled limbs and the aftermath of her climax left her unmotivated to do more than stroke her fingertips down his back, over and over again.
* * *
Ewan hadn’t meant to fall asleep, so when he woke with a startled twitch, he rolled at once onto his side to sweep the bed next to him for Nina. She wasn’t there, although the shape of her silhouette in the window was a welcome sign she hadn’t disappeared. Ewan sat, watching her silently, drinking in her beauty.
After a half a minute, he got out of bed, naked, and went to her. “You’re cold.”
“My skin is cold. I’m not,” she corrected, but let him pull her back against his chest.
His arms went around her. He laid his cheek next to hers and looked out to the water. Dark in the night, lit here and there by spatters of moonlight on the still surface, the lake rippled. The scent of it wafted to them on a gust of breeze that pushed at the window’s gauzy curtains.
“You’re shivering,” Ewan said.
Nina drew in a breath. She began to speak, but her voice broke. Alarmed, Ewan turned her.
“Nina, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“I love you,” she told him.
Ewan swiped his thumbs beneath her eyes to catch the tears streaking down her cheeks. He hadn’t grown used to Nina’s emotional turmoil, but he had come to better expect it. “You’re crying because you love me?”
He meant it lightly, as a way to tease her into smiling. Nina didn’t smile or laugh. Instead, she crumpled against him, clutching. Shaking. Her fingers dug into his skin, hurting. Scared, Ewan scooped her into his arms and cradled her in his lap on the window seat.
He wasn’t sure how to soothe her. He’d been accused of being incapable of emotional connection by enough lovers that he believed it was true. He loved Nina, and he’d never loved any of those others, but even so, he was used to her strength. Her weakness ripped at him, not because he didn’t respect her for showing it, but because it left him feeling totally inadequate and incapable of taking care of her.
“Talk to me. Please,” he urged. “Is it the tech? Are you in pain?”
Ewan was already calculating how long it would take a med team to get out here, and cursing himself for being so stupid as to take her so far away from anything, especially when he knew Nina was having glitches with physical reactions. She’d buried her face against his chest, so he couldn’t see her face, but he could feel her hitching breaths and the heat of her tears on his skin.
Without warning, Nina boiled out of his grasp with a slap of her fists against his chest and arms. He was more shocked by the fact she’d hit him than by any pain the blows had caused. Ewan cried out, holding up his hands in defense, his mind working with images of all the damage Nina was capable of doing to him.
She wouldn’t, Ewan told himself as Nina gave a low, agonized cry and kicked over an ottoman hard enough to send it flying across the room. She wouldn’t hurt him, not like that. When she whirled on him, he braced himself.
Instead of rushing him, Nina dropped to her knees with an agonized sob. She clutched at her head, then curled on her side. Her teeth chattered.
Ewan was at her side in a minute, gathering her to him. He rocked her as best he could. She shuddered as though she were freezing, but her skin was as warm as always. He pressed his face to her hair, closing his eyes, wishing desperately he could fix this.
Although it felt like forever before she calmed, it could only have been another minute or so. Then it was quiet all at once. She went still. Her breathing slowed. She eased herself from his grasp and sat on the floor, still touching him with her knees but with her hands linked in her lap.
She looked harrowed.
Ewan’s heart hurt at the sight of her pain. “What’s happening, baby? Do you need a doc?”
“No.” Nina shook her head slowly. She unlinked her fingers and swiped at her face with a long, deep sigh.
Her eyes hadn’t gone threaded with blood, so that gave him some relief. Ewan reached for her hands, and she allowed him to take them. He kissed the knuckles.
“I’m afraid it’s not real,” Nina said.
Ewan didn’t know what she meant. “We’ll get you a doc. Tests. We’ll figure this out.”
Nina yanked her hands from his grip and stood over him. Her features twisted. She shook her head again. “You’re not listening to me.”
“I am,” he said, unsure of what else to say, only knowing he was failing her.
“I don’t know if this is real.” She waved a hand at him, then around the room, then pointed at herself. “You. Me. This. Us.”
Ewan stood, too, but kept his distance from her. “I don’t understand. Talk to me.”
Nina sighed and ran a hand over her hair, pushing it from her face. With another set of irritated gestures, she twisted it into a knot at the base of her neck and tied it. “When I met you, I hadn’t been able to feel anything for years. No deep emotions, I mean. Nothing, just blank.”
“I know,” he said.
More tears welled in her eyes, although this time they didn’t spill out. “Then, suddenly, I could.”
“If I say I hope it’s because you fell in love with me, is that the wrong reply?” Ewan held out his hands, feeling helpless.
“Yes.”
He frowned. “Sorry.”
They faced each other without speaking for another few seconds before she turned and stalked to the bed, where she tossed herself into the nest of pillows and blankets with another of those heartrending sighs. After a hesitation, Ewan followed. She didn’t protest when he fits himself behind her, one hand flat on her belly just below her breasts.
“What if I love you because of something else,” Nina muttered at last without turning toward him. “What if whatever triggered this sudden ignition of my emotions is tricking me? Because I feel everything now, Ewan. So hard. Too hard. What if I love you because I’m convinced this joy I feel with you is real, but it’s really artificial?”
A hundred replies came to his lips, but he bit them quickly back. He nuzzled the back of her neck instead. Their breathing synced. He thought perhaps she might have fallen asleep, until she spoke, again in the same low, dejected voice.
“It’s like I can’t trust myself,” she said.
Ewan kissed her shoulder. “Can you trust me?”
The instant he asked the question, he wished he hadn’t. Of course Nina couldn’t trust him. He’d lied to her for months before she’d found out the truth about his involvement with the original tech. He was lying to her now, if only by omission, and while he had his reasons, he knew that wouldn’t matter if she found out.
Nina twisted to face him. She slid a leg between his. Her hand cupped his face. Her gaze was hard, her expression serious.
“How do I know,” she asked him, “if it’s real?”
Ewan kissed her. “How does anyone eve
r know?”
It was a crap answer, but it seemed to be the right one, at least. Nina nodded and tucked herself against him, her hair tickling the underside of his chin. Her breathing slowed, and after a time, she slept.
He stayed awake a long time after, listening to her breathing. Loving her. Wishing he knew how to fix whatever was wrong.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Ewan stepped back with a low whistle to look her up and down. “Whoa. I’m not sure I can let you out of the house without me when you look as good as that. Someone might take such a liking to what they see, they might just run off with you.”
Nina had been nervous about meeting Patrice, but Ewan’s leering appraisal of her forced a laugh out of her, easing the anxiety. “Sure, because I’d let that happen.”
Her giggles faded away at the sight of his expression. “You know I wouldn’t. Right? Never mind the near-impossibility of anyone being able to do anything to me that I don’t want them to . . .”
“That’s what I’m worried about,” Ewan said. “That you will want them to.”
Nina pushed him gently onto the chair in the corner of the bedroom and settled herself onto his lap. Her fingers curled behind his neck. She kissed him, letting him feel her breath on his face as she lingered. She pressed their foreheads together and looked deeply into his eyes.
“Ewan,” she whispered. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Ewan blinked. His hands settled on her hips. He nuzzled her neck, eliciting a sigh from her. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did, Nina.”
She didn’t answer him at first. They sat in silence, their breathing synced. She concentrated on the touch of his lips on her skin. The shift of his muscles as he moved beneath her. She hugged him, hard. Their weekend at the bed-and-breakfast resort had been magical. Hours of lovemaking. Delicious food brought to their door so they never had to leave. Even the brief visit he’d arranged from the local doc had only reminded her of how good Ewan was to her and how well they worked together.
There’d been that . . . small . . . outburst. It embarrassed her, remembering it, even if Ewan didn’t seem to be holding onto it. They hadn’t talked more about it, but the feelings had lingered. She wanted to give in to this love, fully embrace it, and yet in the end, she could not quite manage to convince herself that it was totally true.
She’d wanted to love in the past and had been incapable of it. What, really, had changed about her? Had anything really changed at all?
Since they’d come home, a barrage of pings and messages had left them both a little frazzled. While it looked more and more likely that the Enhancement Repeal Act was going to be overturned and scrubbed from the books within the next few months, the buzz had created a fresh wave of protests. None of them were as grand in scope as those that had targeted Ewan in the past, but Nina could not shake the memories of being attacked.
Along with the vague threats, however, had come a rising tide of something that clearly had Ewan more upset. Marriage proposals and sexual propositions and a slew of explicit photos sent to Nina’s public comm account.
“I’m not likely to be swayed by the sight of some rando’s junk, baby,” she said. Ewan frowned, and she laughed gently. Soothed him with a kiss, even as she soothed herself with the idea that she was capable of this. Of making it work. “I love you.”
He shifted beneath her. “I love you, too. So much.”
“I’m not leaving you. Not for a sphincter who thinks it’s shiny fine to send come-ons to a stranger, and not for anyone else, either. We’re stronger and better than that. Right?” She rested her head on his shoulder, feeling their bodies move together with every breath. She held hers, waiting for his reassurance.
“Yes.”
She sighed. “Remind me again why I’m going to see her?”
“Because it’s the right thing to do,” Ewan told her. “Even if your sister is a giant pain in the ass, she’s your sister. And if you’re not doing it for her, you’re doing it for yourself. To see your nieces and nephews.”
Patrice had always been a pain in the ass, and Nina didn’t expect that to change. Still, the hope was there, that they’d made some kind of amends. An uneasy peace, if nothing else. And if Patrice asked for money, well . . . Nina had plenty. She could afford to be generous.
“So, I really look okay?” Nina tried to get off his lap, but Ewan held her close a few seconds longer. She kissed him again. “I have to go. I’m going to be late.”
“You look glorious.” Ewan let her get up, his gaze following her as he smiled.
Nina paused in front of the full-length mirror. “The last time I saw my sister, I was in uniform. I want to make sure neither of us are reminded of that.”
“I don’t think you’ll be able to help yourselves from being reminded of it,” Ewan said. “But I hope your sister can get past whatever issues she had with you before.”
“It’s been so long since I spoke to her.” Nina coughed, clearing her throat against the swell of emotions she didn’t want to let overtake her only a few minutes before she was set to walk out the door. “It would be wonderful if I could have a relationship with my sister again. That’s all. And her kids.”
Ewan got to his feet and put his hands on her upper arms, turning her from the mirror to look at him. “From what you’ve said, you don’t need to be given another chance. You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s the one who should be asking you for another chance. Not the other way around.”
“There is always more than one point of view to any story, Ewan. Nobody’s ever all wrong or all right.” She put her hands on top of his where they’d anchored on her hips. His fingers squeezed a little. “You and I should know that better than anyone.”
He kissed her, dancing them slowly in a circle. “Everything’s going to be great. You’re going to patch things up with Patrice.”
“I hope you’re right.” Even now, she didn’t feel confident enough to simply agree with him.
“I’m right about everything.”
She laughed again at that, rolling her eyes and digging her nails into the sensitive place just below his ribs until he yelped and wriggled away. Then she kissed him again, holding him close by the front of his shirt and nipping his tongue until he relaxed against her and held her close.
“I love you,” she told him again, because now it seemed as though she could never possibly say the words often enough.
“Love you, too. You’d better get going. I’ll see you later.”
Another kiss, another squeeze, and he walked her downstairs to the front door and watched her get into the waiting transpo. She waved at him before the door closed, then settled back into the seat and punched in the address code her sister had given her. The transpo’s bland voice told her how long the journey would take—longer than she’d expected, but not alarmingly so. Nina sat back in the seat and thought about pulling up some entertainment to pass the time, but in the end she knew she wouldn’t be able to concentrate, and so she spent the time staring out the window instead.
* * *
Mama must have been cooking for days. The small kitchen, still so much the same as when Nina was growing up, is redolent with smells that have Nina’s stomach grumbling. It took her so long to get home, and here she finally is. It’s enough to make her break down into tears.
“Hush now,” Mama says. “My big girl. Hush, why the tears? You’re home now. You’re home.”
In her childhood room, the one she shares with Patrice, Nina has no place to unpack the oversized duffel bag she brought home from the hospital. Her sister has taken over the entire room, which is barely big enough for one person anyway, much less two. Still, Nina’s annoyed at having to shove aside her sister’s things in a drawer in order to make space for her few belongings.
She hasn’t yet seen her sister. Since Nina’s been gone, Patrice’s gone and found a boyfriend. He takes up a lot of her time. Their parents don’t like or approve of
him; Nina’s not sure why. She’s not surprised, though. Patrice has never done what their parents wanted her to.
Hours later, when Nina’s woken the household by reacting to Patrice’s sudden and unexpected arrival through the bedroom window, her sister tries to pretend she wasn’t out with the bro her parents hate. There’s a lot of screaming, too much of it for that hour of the morning, and Nina wants only to go back to sleep. With the sound of Patrice’s furious breathing drifting to her from across the room, Nina speaks into the darkness.
“Next time, just warn me. If I know to expect you, I won’t be startled. I won’t—”
Patrice’s voice is low and bitter. “You won’t what? Act like a freak? Don’t you know how much that upsets them?”
Them, their parents. They’re probably as upset with Patrice for sneaking around and coming in through a window, too late, but Nina doesn’t point that out. She apologizes again, but it doesn’t matter. Her sister is angry about so much in her own life, she doesn’t want to hear anything about Nina’s.
Until she needs money. Patrice doesn’t say what it’s for, but Nina thinks she knows. It has to do with the boyfriend, the sneaking out, the hollowed look in her sister’s eyes. Even smart girls make mistakes. Mistakes cost money to fix.
Patrice needs money.
Patrice wants money from Nina.
Nina refuses, and her sister pushes back so hard it destroys their family.
* * *
Ewan and his sister had never gotten along that well. With an eight-year age difference between them they’d never had much in common. Still, he’d been there at the end of her life, and the bond of family had been strong enough to keep him working on her behalf and in her name. Nina had asked him once, if Katie hadn’t died, would she and Ewan have reconciled? It seemed more likely they’d have become estranged the way Nina and her sisters had. It couldn’t matter now. Katie was gone.
Nina had the chance to change things, though, and Ewan was glad of that. Her nervousness about the meeting had touched him. He’d have gone with her, but she’d refused gently, but firmly. She didn’t want anything to detract from this first meeting after so many years, she said, but Ewan knew there was more to it than that. Nina was worried that her sister was coming around again to ask for money. If her sister really was going to ask for a loan or an outright monetary gift, Nina didn’t want him to be there with his credit account handy.