“See you.” She sat still, unmoving. Oh, she thought, her brain sluggish. I’m supposed to get out now.
In a trance she opened the car door and stumbled out. She turned and looked at him. He rebuckled his seat belt and gunned the engine. Somehow she knew that meant she should close the door.
“Bye.” She closed the door. He waved, honked, and drove away.
She stood on the sidewalk for a good ten seconds, in shock. He loves me! she thought. Sean loves me!
That kiss said everything. He’s finally mine!
All along her street, the trees and shrubs bloomed with flowers. The air smelled like perfume. Why hadn’t she noticed it before? Her street was the most beautiful street in the whole world!
She blinked. Sean was long gone. Go inside, her dopey brain told her. She walked up the jagged stone steps to her house. Each step looked like a pearl. A pearl button on a wedding dress.
“How was your lesson?” her mother asked. “Did you make any progress?”
Mads nodded. She couldn’t speak. She didn’t want to break the spell. She went straight to the stairs. She had to get to her room.
“Mads? Are you okay?” her mother said.
She knew she had to answer, convincingly, or her mother would not leave her alone. So she summoned all her strength and squeaked out, “Yes. I’m fine. Just tired.”
“Okay,” M.C. said, and went back to her book.
Mads closed her bedroom door and lay down. The first shock and joy of being kissed by Sean began to fade, and a flood of new emotions washed over her.
What a great kisser. He was such a great kisser! As she knew he would be. Her mind drifted back to the awkward fumblings she’d shared with Stephen, and she felt sad. There was no comparison. Sean was so much better. But then she felt guilty. Stephen tried. He was so sweet. Maybe he didn’t know what he was doing—not like Sean, who was an expert—but he and Mads were learning together. Every time she thought about Stephen she felt a stab of guilt, so she pushed him out of her mind.
She closed her eyes and licked her lips, trying to relive the kiss. The greatest moment of her life. He said she was cute! And then he kissed her. Like he really meant it. Like he really liked her.
It’s fate, she thought. I’ve been resisting it for so long. But now it’s time to face it.
I’m in love with Sean.
She’d always loved him. He’d always be the love of her life. She’d thought it wasn’t realistic, but that day was proof that she—everybody—was wrong. It was real. He’d kissed her. He liked her! Her dream was coming true at last! All she’d needed was that one chance to be alone with him. He seized that chance and showed her his true feelings.
She felt another rush of joy… and another stab of guilt. Not just over Stephen this time. Holly.
Holly was going to the Hap with Sean. They were dating. She was basically his girlfriend. Mads had just kissed her best friend’s boyfriend. How could she be so low?
But then, how could she have let Holly go out with him in the first place? How could she have surrendered the love of her life—her true love—to another girl, without a fight? How could she have been so foolish?
The joy was weakening, replaced by anxiety. What was she going to do? She had to clear her life to make way for this new development, for Sean. Should she break up with Stephen? When? What about the Hap?
And Holly. Would Sean tell her he’d kissed Mads? Should Mads tell her? Would Holly ever forgive her?
Evening fell, the room grew dark, but Mads stayed on her bed. She didn’t turn on the lights. Suppertime came, and her mother knocked on the door, but Mads pretended to be asleep. She stayed that way all night, in the dark, images and visions whirling through her mind, her mood shifting from excitement to fear and back again. She finally fell asleep on top of her bed, still dressed.
16 Stuffed Hamster
* * *
To: linaonme
From: your daily horoscope
HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: CANCER: You’re the calm center of a world gone mad. Just like the bubble gum is the center of a Blow Pop.
* * *
You’re kidding me.” Lina gasped when she heard the news. Mads had called her first thing in the morning. Sean and Mads! “You’re lying. You’re making this up. Right?”
“It’s true,” Mads said. “Lina, it was so amazing! He must have kissed me for, like, two whole minutes. I didn’t count, but it felt long. And way too short! He’s such a good kisser. I feel like I’m on drugs. I can’t stop thinking about it!”
Lina didn’t want to believe it. But she knew it had to be true. Sean had kissed Mads. And Mads was sure there was more to come. She could be right. Who knew what Sean would do next?
“But, Mads,” Lina said, “what about Holly?”
Mads was silent for a minute. Then she said, “I know. I don’t know. What should I do? Do you think I should tell her what happened?”
“It would be bad if she heard it from someone else,” Lina said. “Like Sean.”
“Do you think she’ll be mad?” Mads said.
“Well…”
“It’s not like I set out to kiss him or anything. I didn’t plan it. And he started it, not me! How can Holly blame me?”
“When it comes to kissing, people aren’t always rational,” Lina said. “She could blame you for kissing him back. If you’re her friend, you have to tell her. It’s the right thing to do.”
“Oh, god,” Mads said. “She’ll never forgive me. She’ll hate me forever.”
“Mads, this is big,” Lina said. “Telling her what happened will probably hurt her, but it might help her, too, in the long run. If she can’t trust Sean, she should know that.”
“I hate this,” Mads said. “Why does everything good always have to come with something bad? Why can’t the good things just happen in a purely good way that makes everybody happy?”
“They just don’t,” Lina said. “Not this time. What about Stephen?”
Mads sighed over the phone. “I guess I’ll have to break up with him. It will be so sad. We’re like buddies now. Love buddies.”
“You’re really good together,” Lina said. “Sean doesn’t last long with anybody, you know. You could be kicked to the curb faster than you think.”
“No,” Mads said. “I don’t think so. This is fate. The real thing. You know how I’ve felt about him, ever since I first saw him. What could be more real than that? It took time for him to come around, but that’s okay. He’s the one for me.”
God, she’s so delusional, Lina thought. But it was no good telling Mads that—she would never listen. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” Lina said. “Just be careful.”
“I will,” Mads said, but Lina knew she wouldn’t. Being careful wasn’t Mads’ way.
“Where did you get that thing?” Ramona reached inside Lina’s locker and pulled out a small stuffed hamster that hung by the tail from a coat hook. “Sure is ugly.”
“Rex gave it to me,” Lina said. She’d suggested he give her flowers, but he thought Ramona would find the hamster more believable.
“Rex did?” Ramona tried to look uninterested, but Lina could tell she was faking it.
“Yeah. You know, his hamsters died? He said that in a way that’s what brought us together.”
“In a pretty roundabout way,” Ramona said.
“That’s what I think,” Lina said. “Have you heard anything from him lately?”
“No,” Ramona said. “Thank god. I sure am glad I got rid of him. You can have him.”
“Great! Thanks!” Lina said.
“Thanks?” Ramona said. “You want him?”
“He’s growing on me,” Lina said. “Sure, he’s super-straight and all that, but when he likes a girl, he really likes her. All the way. On the outside he might look dull, but on the inside he’s a tiger. Dramatic. All the big emotions swirling around. Being with him is like being in an opera. Or a big tragedy. It’s big, big, big.”
“I thought you didn’t like him,” Ramona said. “You like Walker.”
“Sure, Walker’s great, for a regular guy,” Lina said. “But Rex is different. He’s not like any other guy I’ve ever known. He’s special.”
“Rex wants a poet,” Ramona said. “A real poet.”
“Are you implying I’m not a real poet?” Lina said.
Ramona shrugged. “Lately all you write is sports news. Not many people consider that poetry.”
“Maybe Rex does.”
“So, are you two going to get together?” Ramona asked. “Are you going to dump Walker?”
Lina thought, A-ha, she does care.
“Maybe,” Lina said. “If things keep going well. And if you really don’t want him. But I think he’s pretty much over you by now.”
“I don’t want him,” Ramona said. “But he’s not over me. Not yet.”
“How do you know?” Lina asked.
“No one gets over me,” Ramona said. “Not that fast.”
Lina smiled. The plan was working. At least, she hoped it was. Ramona acted as if she didn’t care. But there was a heart beating somewhere under all that ragged black chiffon.
17 Confession Time
* * *
To: hollygolitely
From: your daily horoscope
HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: CAPRICORN: Get ready for a good whomp upside the head. Yeah, another one.
* * *
Come on, Mads, stop stalling,” Holly said.
Mads had come home with Holly after school, saying she needed to talk. But once at Holly’s house Mads kept dillydallying, raiding the fridge, putting on music, channel surfing on the TV, asking to see what Holly was wearing to the Hap. Everything but seriously talking. Holly’s nerves buzzed; she could sense that something was up, and she wanted to get it over with. “What did you come over to tell me?”
“Is this new?” Mads picked up a large Mayan bowl that sat near the fireplace. “I don’t think I’ve seen it before.”
Holly took the bowl out of Mads’ hands and put it down. She led her to the couch and forced her to sit. Then she moved the remote out of Mads’ reach.
“Stop it,” Holly said. “Talk.”
Mads squirmed. “Can I have something to drink?”
“No,” Holly said. She sat across from Mads, waiting.
“Okay,” Mads said. “Remember, I’m telling you this because I’m your friend. You mean a lot to me—so much that I don’t want to keep any secrets from you. Especially important secrets. That’s how much I care.”
“Spill it.”
Mads took a deep breath, squeezed her eyes shut, and blurted, “Sean kissed me.”
“What?” Holly’s pulse quickened. She was suddenly aware of the veins in her wrists.
“I’m really sorry!” Mads said. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t do anything to provoke it, I swear. It just… happened.”
“When he took you driving?” Holly asked.
Mads nodded.
Of course, it had to be the driving lesson. Sean and Mads alone in the car… The idea had made her uncomfortable, but she wouldn’t let herself dwell on it. She trusted them, she told herself, both Sean and Mads. Her sort-of boyfriend and one of her two best friends. She should be able to leave them alone together. But it looked as if she was wrong.
There was one last hope, one last way out. “You mean on the cheek, right?” Holly asked, knowing that wasn’t what Mads meant.
Mads bit her lip. “No. Not on the cheek.”
“A real kiss? A kiss kiss?” She paused. “A French kiss?”
Mads nodded sheepishly.
Holly sat in her chair, squeezing the armrests with her hands, feeling the blood race through her body. An image of Sean and Mads locked in an embrace formed in her mind. It hovered just long enough to make her stomach hurt before she forced it away.
She didn’t like everything about Sean. But she liked him. She wanted him to like her. And her alone.
She stared at Mads, who looked extremely nervous. Mads could seem sweet and childlike. But that was deceptive. Holly had always known that. She loved Mads anyway. She loved her contradictions. Until now, when they slapped her in the face.
Mads squirmed. She was obviously miserable. This only irritated Holly more. If Mads felt so sorry about kissing Sean, why had she let it happen? Holly knew Mads never tried to stop him. Kissing Sean was Mads’ dream. She’d run over her own mother with a Jet Ski for a chance to kiss Sean. It was the great romantic moment of her life. What was Holly’s friendship and trust compared to that? Nothing. Dispensable. Expendable. Useless.
Holly rose to her feet. She was so mad, she felt as if her skin were steaming.
“How could you do this to me?” she demanded. “How could you? I was open with you. You knew I was seeing Sean. I told you everything. I let him take you out to teach you to parallel park. Don’t you think I knew I was taking my chances when I did that? I knew. But did I say a word? No. I thought I could trust you. I knew you’d be alone with the boy of your dreams and you’d probably try something fishy, but I thought, No, Mads is my friend. She’d never do anything to hurt me. I can trust her. I’m so stupid!”
“Holly, please!” Mads cried. “I’m so sorry! But what about Sean? Shouldn’t you be mad at him instead of me? I mean, he started it!”
“And you put up a big fight, didn’t you,” Holly said.
“Well…”
“You didn’t,” Holly said. “I know you.”
“Holly, I wasn’t trying to hurt you,” Mads said.
“You weren’t thinking about me at all,” Holly said.
“You know, I didn’t tell you this, but Sean first asked me out a long time ago. Weeks ago. And I said no. You know why? Because I thought it would upset you. Even though you have a boyfriend and you have no claim to Sean at all, no right to keep me or him or anyone from dating anyone, I said no to him because I care about you.”
“What made you finally say yes?” Mads asked.
Holly paused. This question didn’t fit into the self-righteous speech she was in the middle of making. But it was there, dangling in front of her, and it had to be answered.
“I finally said yes because he kept after me and I started to like him, and I saw how happy you were with Stephen. But before I said yes or did anything, I asked you, if you recall. I asked you how you would feel about it. And you said you were fine with it. And then, and only then, did I agree to go out with Sean. So you see, I never once forgot about your feelings. I thought about you and how you’d feel the whole time. Meanwhile, any thought of me went out the window as soon as Sean showed up at your door.”
“No, Holly, that’s not true,” Mads said.
She had tears in her eyes, and Holly felt bad for her. She couldn’t help it. Holly tried to stay hard, stay angry. She was hurt. Mads had betrayed her. Sean had betrayed her. Did Lina know about this? Or Stephen?
“What about Stephen?” Holly asked. “Have you trampled over him as carelessly as you’ve trampled over me?”
“I haven’t told him anything yet….” Mads said.
“Well, brace yourself, because he’ll be hurt,” Holly said.
Mads sobbed. Holly couldn’t comfort her. Holly felt very alone.
“Mads, I would never do something like this to you,” she said quietly.
“I know,” Mads said, the tears flowing. “You’re such a good friend, and I’m so sorry….”
Holly couldn’t stand to watch her cry any longer. Shouldn’t she be the one who was crying? “Could you just leave now?” Holly said. “I feel like being alone.”
“Are you sure?” Mads said. “Maybe I can do something for you. Get you something? Make cookies? Or fudge? I don’t want to leave this way, Holly, with you all mad at me. Isn’t there some way I can make it up to you? Some way we can be friends?”
“I don’t know,” Holly said. “Just go now.”
She walked to the door and opened it for Mads, who di
dn’t move. Holly stood her ground. Mads picked up her bag and walked slowly to the door, crying. Holly felt sad and angry at the same time. Her heart kept hardening and softening with every beat. She just wanted Mads out of there so she could go to her room and cry in peace.
“Call me?” Mads sniffled weakly.
“Good-bye,” Holly said.
She closed the door. She heard Mads sob on the other side. Then she went to her room, closed the door, and turned the music up loud.
18 Zombie Days
* * *
To: mad4u
From: your daily horoscope
HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: VIRGO: If you’re feeling out of it, just remember: Putting Ambien in your cereal isn’t good for your concentration.
* * *
For the next few days, Mads walked through the halls of RSAGE like a zombie. Her feelings were muddled, good and bad, but all strong, fighting for dominance inside her. Paying attention in class was impossible. She flunked a geometry quiz. She was constantly on the lookout for Sean, who suddenly seemed scarce. If she caught a glimpse of him, her mood soared. He was the whole reason behind everything that had happened, the reason her life was a mess. It had to be worth it… right?
Holly wasn’t speaking to her and avoided her whenever possible. Lina seemed torn between her two friends, unsure what to do, trying to comfort them both but not really able to help either one. And Stephen… Mads was avoiding him. It wasn’t so hard, since she didn’t see much of him at school anyway. Normally she missed him, but now she was afraid. She didn’t know how to face him. What would he say? Had he heard somehow? Would he take one look at her face and know?
After the fiasco with Holly, Mads wasn’t eager to go to Stephen and confess. What would that accomplish, anyway? It would only start a fight. Mads didn’t need another enemy. Still, she couldn’t lie to him. So whenever she saw him coming, she ducked away.