Page 7 of Der Wunsch. English

  VI.

  "Forgive me, sister, for invoking from the grave your transfiguredshade. In remembrance of the deep love you bore me, of the warmth withwhich my heart beat for you, suffer it, if I attempt to expiate theguilt that weighs so heavily upon me, and whose yoke I must drag alongwith me to the end of my days! Let me once more live through all thelove and kindness you bestowed upon me, and in the memory thereofforget the horrors of loneliness that, like the breath of your tomb,chill my very bones.

  "What a fool, what a wicked creature I was, to feel lonely while youyet dwelt on earth! Your love was the very air that I breathed! Yoursmile was the sunshine that animated me, your comforting, exhortingwords were like the voice of God within us, to which we hearkenreverently without understanding. And how did I thank you, sister? Igrew a stranger to you--in sorrow and misery I have to think of you,and the consciousness of guilt appals me when the soughing windwhispers your name in my ear. Between us there stands a wild phantomwith flaming eyes--terrible and distorted, its hair encircled bysnakes--stretching out its claw-like hands towards me, and separatingme from you for ever. If it were no phantom, but flesh and blood, ifwhat I committed were a sin, a crime, I would wrestle with it, I wouldovercome it with the last strength of my failing energy, or allowmyself to be strangled in its bloody grip. But it is intangible, itmelts away into empty air--a spectre that mocks me, a mist that cloudsmy reason, and by its poison is slowly destroying me. A wish!

  "A wish--it is nothing more!

  "I wonder if you recognised it? I wonder if it was reflected in yourdying gaze? I wonder if at your bedside, when you, good, noble soul,gave up the last breath of a life that was all love, you saw thisspectre--a spectre born of envy and ingratitude, which I--miserablecreature--dragged into your pure habitation?

  "If I had still my lisping childish beliefs, I would pour out thewretchedness of my soul before God, the Great and Merciful; but thereis no one on earth or in heaven to take pity on me, none but yourglorified image.

  "Woe is me!--that, too, turns away from me. Weeping, it veils itself,when yonder demon approaches my soul! And yet, was it not human to feelas I did? Why are we not heavenly bodies, void of desire, pure andethereal? Why are we born of dust, why do we cleave to dust, eat dustand return to dust when we have thrown off this great fraud of life?The great fraud of my life I will write down here--the fraud towardsmyself--towards you, and towards a third as well, who was pure andgood--and who yet was the cause of it all.

  * * * * *

  "I was a quiet, lonely child.

  "He who is always surrounded by love, and who has never known anythingbut love, often learns most easily to suffice to himself. And yet in myheart, too, there lay an inexhaustible store of love. I squandered iton dumb creatures, petted the dogs, kissed the cats, and hugged thegeese. One of my passions was to play in the stable: there I lolledabout on the soft, warm straw, under the very hoofs of my special pets,that never did me any harm; or I climbed into the manger, where I couldsit for hours and gaze lovingly into my friends' great brown eyes. Butmy favourite place was in the dog-kennel. There they often found measleep at midday, and it was no easy matter to get me out again: forNero, who was as a rule so quiet and good, showed his teeth to any one,even to his master, who came within reach of his chain on suchoccasions. My tender affection extended also to the vegetable kingdom.The rose-trees appeared to me like enchanted princesses, whose fate Ibitterly bewailed; the sunflowers were Catholic priests in fullcanonicals, and the dahlias Polish maidservants with red head-dresses.Thus I succeeded in assembling around me in the garden the whole humanworld, and found the counterfeit presentment preferable to theoriginal, for it submitted in silence when I ordained its fate.

  * * * * *

  "The estate that my father had rented was the old feudal possession ofa Polish magnate, which lay close to the Prussian frontier, on a hillwhose one side sloped down gradually in a weed-grown park towardsbarren fields, while the other dropped down precipitately towards arivulet, on whose opposite bank lay a dirty little Polish frontiervillage.

  "When one stood on the brink of the precipice one looked down upon thetumble-down shingle roofs, through the crevices of which smoke issuedforth, and could see right into the midst of the wretched traffic ofthe miry street, where half-naked children wallowed in the gutter,women crouched idly on the doorsteps, and the men in ragged fustiancoats trooped, with their spades on their shoulders, towards thealehouse.

  "Verily there was little that was attractive about this small town, andthe rabble of frontier Cossacks, that trotted to and fro sleepily ontheir cat-like nags, did not enhance its charms. But yet, to mychildish eyes, it was enveloped in inexpressible glamour, the sensationof which creeps over me even to-day, when I picture to myself how,bewitched by all these wonderful visions, I sat for hours motionless onthe grass, and stared down upon the throng in which the figures were nolarger than the wooden dolls in my box of toys.

  "I had been forbidden to go down, nor had I any desire to do so, sinceI had once been almost crushed to death between two wheels in the crowdof the weekly market to which my father had taken me.

  "It was only delightful when from up there, raised high above the dirtand screaming, one could gaze down upon this world of ants, whichseemed so tiny that, like the Creator Himself, one could command itwith a look, but which grew larger and larger, and assumed weird, giantproportions the more one attempted to penetrate into it.

  * * * * *

  "It is remarkable that just of those persons who were most closelyconnected with me throughout my life, I have preserved but a vaguerecollection as they were at that time. Possibly because laterimpressions effaced these earliest ones.

  "My father was a small, sturdy man, of thick-set stature, withclose-cut black beard and hair, clad in high, brightly blacked boots,and a greyish-green shaggy jacket, who laughed at me when he saw me,gave me a friendly slap on the back, or pinched my arm, and then wasgone again. He was always busy, poor papa; as long as he lived I neversaw him give himself a moment's rest.

  "Mama was then already very stout, was constantly eating sweet-stuff,and loved her afternoon nap; but she, too, was at work from morningtill night, though she only reluctantly betook herself from place toplace, and did not like one to hang on to her, or to bother her withquestions.

  "At that time another member of the family was Cousin Robert, who hadbeen sent over by our Prussian relations to learn farming from papa; abig fellow, broad-shouldered and thick-necked, with fair tufts ofbeard, which I was wont to pull when he took me on his knee to instilthe A B C into me by means of bent liquorice sticks. I think we werealways good friends, though he probably was no more to me than theother articled pupils; for his picture, as he was then, has becomehazy, exactly like all the others.

  "Only one scene do I remember distinctly, when on a summer evening hehad caught hold of Martha by her fair plaits and was racing after her,laughing and screaming, through the yard, and the house, and thegarden.

  "'What are you up to with Martha, you rascal?' cried papa to him.

  "'She has been vexing me,' he answered, without letting go of her,while she kept on screaming.

  "'When I was your age I knew better how to revenge myself on a girl,'laughingly said papa, who always liked to have his little joke.

  "'Well, how?' he asked.

  "'Oh, if you don't know that yourself!' replied papa.

  "'One just gives her a kiss. Master Robert,' said an old gardener, whohappened to be passing with a watering-can.

  "Then I can see him yet, how he suddenly let the plaits drop from hishands, stood there suffused with blushes and did not know where tolook. Papa shook with laughter and Martha ran off as fast as she could.When I tried her door, she had locked herself in. Not till supper-timedid she put in an appearance again. Her hair hung in disorder over herforehead, and beneath it she looked out dreamily and s
cared.

  "When, to-day, I compare the pale, thin, little suffering face thatfills my whole soul, with yonder rosy, chubby, roguish countenance asit gleams upon me sometimes from my earliest childhood, I can hardlyrealise that both can have belonged to one and the same being.

  "How her long fair plaits fluttered in the wind! With what precocious,housewifely care her eyes scanned the long table where we all sattogether, with apprentices and inspectors, waiting to be filled--awhole collection of hungry mouths. And how lustily each one helpedhimself, when, with her merry smile, she offered the dishes.

  "Now only do I begin to understand what a pilgrimage of suffering shehad to make, now that I am myself preparing for the long, sad journey,at the end of which a lonely grave awaits me, more lonesome even thanhers.

  "In those days I was a child and looked up unsuspectingly to her, whobecame my teacher when she herself had hardly put off childish ways.

  "It was at that time that our affairs began to take a downward course.Papa had to struggle against debts; failure of crops, and floods--forthree years in succession--destroyed any hope of improvement, andmonetary cares gathered thicker and thicker around our home.

  "In the household everything not absolutely necessary was dispensedwith, our intercourse with the neighbouring estate owners wasrestricted, and even the old governess who had educated Martha and wasnow to have fulfilled her mission upon me, had to leave the estate.

  "Martha, who was seven years older than I and just preparing to growinto her first long dress, stepped into her place. In this way, purelysisterly relations could not grow into existence between us. She wasthe protectress and I was the ward, until after we exchanged our_roles_.

  "I may have been about fourteen years old, when it struck me for thefirst time that Martha had strangely altered in manner and appearance.I ought, indeed, to have noticed it before, for I was accustomed tolook about me with open eyes, but in the slow monotony of everyday lifeone easily overlooks the destruction that sorrow and time are workingaround us.

  "Now I took heed, and saw her face grow thinner and thinner, saw thatthe colour faded more and more from her cheeks, and that her eyes sankdeeper and deeper into dark hollows. Nor did she any longer sing, andher laugh had a peculiar tired, hoarse sound that hurt my ears so, thatI was sometimes on the point of calling out to her 'Do not laugh!'

  "At the same time she began to sicken; she complained of headache andspasms, and only with difficulty dragged herself about the house. Then,of course, papa and mama were bound to notice her condition too; theypacked her up in warm wraps, and, in spite of her remonstrance, drovewith her to Prussia to consult a doctor. He shrugged his shoulders,prescribed steel pills and advised a change of air.

  "Something else, too, he must have advised, which greatly disturbed myparents, at least papa; for mama, since a long time already, was not tobe roused from her phlegmatic composure. When she dreamily gazed outinto the distance, he often looked at her askance, shook his head,sighed, and slammed the door after him.

  "But however much she might be suffering, she would not give up herwork. As long as I can remember, I have never seen her idle even for amoment. As a child already she stood with her lesson-book at thecooking-stove, or had an eye on the wash-kitchen, while she wrote herGerman composition. Since she was grown up, she combined the duties ofmy instruction with all the cares which a large household imposes uponits manager. Mama had quite retired in virtue of her age, and allowedher to do and dispose as she pleased, if only the _compotes_ and otherdainties won her approval.

  "I, who was spoilt beyond measure by everyone in the house, was ashamedof my inactivity, and endeavoured to take a part of the responsibilityoff Martha's shoulders; but with gentle remonstrance she dissuaded me.

  "'Leave that, child,' she said, stroking my cheeks; 'you happen to bethe princess of the house, you had better remain so.'

  "That hurt me. I could bear anything rather than to be repulsed, when Icame with my heart full to overflowing of generous resolves.

  "One evening I saw her crying. I slunk out into the garden and fought ahard battle. I almost choked with my longing to help, but I could notso far conquer myself as to go up to her and put my arms consolinglyabout her neck. When I lay in bed, my desire to comfort her came uponme with renewed force; I got up, and in my nightdress, just as I was, Islipped out into the dark corridor.

  "For a long time I stood outside her door, trembling with cold and withfear, and with my hand on the door-knob. At last I took heart and creptin softly.

  "She knelt before her bed with her head pressed into the pillows. Sheseemed to be praying.

  "I stopped at the door, for I did not venture to disturb her.

  "At last she turned round, and at sight of me started up abruptly.

  "'What do you want?' she stammered.

  "I clung to her, and sobbed fit to soften the heart of a stone.

  "'Child--for Heaven's sake--what is the matter with you?' she cried.

  "I was incapable of uttering a word. She, in her motherly way, took alarge woollen shawl, wrapped me in it, and drew me down upon her knee,though I was then already bigger than she.

  "'Now confess, my darling, what ails you?' she asked, stroking my face.

  "I gathered up all my strength, and hiding my face upon her neck, Isobbed, 'Martha--I want--to help--you.'

  "A long silence ensued, and when I raised up my face I saw anunutterably bitter, sorrowful smile playing about her lips. And thenshe took my head between her hands, kissed my brow and said:

  "'Come, I will put you to bed, child; there is nothing the matter withme--but you--you seem to be in a perfect fever.'

  "I jumped up: 'For shame, that is horrid of you, Martha,' I cried; 'Iwill not be sent away like this. I am not ill, nor am I so stupid thatI cannot see how you are pining away, and how each day you gulp downsome new sorrow. If you have no confidence in me, I shall conclude thatyou do not wish to have anything to do with me, and all will be overbetween us.'

  "She folded her hands in astonishment, and looked at me.

  "'What has possessed you, child?' she said, 'I do not know you thus.'

  "I turned away and bit my lips defiantly.

  "'Come, come, I will put you to bed,' she urged again.

  "'I don't want--I can go alone,' I said. Then she seemed to feel that aword of explanation must be vouchsafed to the child.

  "'See, Olga,' she said, drawing me down to her, 'you are quite right, Ihave many a sorrow, and if you were older and could understand, youwould certainly be the first in whom I should confide. But first youtoo must learn to know life----.'

  "'What more do you know of life than I?' I cried, still defiantly.

  "She only smiled. It cut me to the heart, this half-painful,half-ecstatic smile. A dull dawning presentiment awoke within me,such as one might experience in face of closed temple gates or distantpalm-wafted islands. And Martha continued:

  "'Till then, however--and that will be long!--I must bear whatoppresses me alone. Hearty thanks, sister, for your good intention; Iwould love you twice as much for it, if that were possible; and now go,have your sleep out, we have much to learn to-morrow.'

  "With that she pushed me out of the door.

  "Like an exile I stood outside on the landing and stared at the doorwhich had closed behind me so cruelly. Then I leant my head against thewall and wept silently and bitterly.

  "Martha was henceforth doubly kind and affectionate towards me, but Iwould not see it. I grew reserved towards her, as she had been towardsme, and deeper and deeper the bitter feeling became graven on my soulthat the world did not require my love. Of course it was not this oneoccurrence alone which acted decisively upon my disposition. Such ayoung creature as I was, is too easily carried away by the tide of newimpressions to be lastingly influenced by a few such moments; and, as amatter of fact, it was not long: before I had forgotten that evening.But what I did not forget was the idea that no one dwelt on earth whowas willing to share his sorrows with me, and that I w
as thrown backupon myself and my books until such day as I should be declared ripe totake part in the life of the living.

  "Deeper and deeper I dived down into the treasures of the poets, ofwhom none drove me from his holy of holies. I learnt to feel wretchedand exalted with Tasso; I knew what Manfred sought on icy Alpinesnowfields; with Thekla I mourned the loss of the earthly happiness Ihad enjoyed, of the life and love that I had out-lived and out-loved.But, above all, Iphigenia was my heroine and my ideal.

  "Through her my young, lonely soul was filled with all the charm ofbeing unintelligible; it seemed to be the mission of my life to goforth like her upon earth as a blessed priestess, sublimely void ofearthly desire; and if to this end I might have donned yon whiteGrecian robes whose noble draperies would so splendidly have suited myearly-developed figure, my bliss would have been complete.

  "Outwardly I was in those years an obstinate, supercilious creature,who was lavish with rude answers, and fond of getting up from table inthe middle of a meal if anything did not suit her taste.

  "In spite of all this--or perhaps just for this reason--I was petted byall, and my will, in so far as a child's will can be taken intoaccount, was considered authoritative by the whole house. At fifteen Iwas as tall and as big as to-day, and already there was found here andthere some gallant squire's son who would say that I was much, muchbetter looking than all the others, especially than Martha. That mademe indignant, for my vanity was not yet fully developed.

  "'About that time, I dreamt one night that Martha had died. When Iwoke, my pillows were wet through with tears. Like a criminal on thatday I crept round my sister. I felt as if I had some heavy offenceagainst her on my conscience.

  "After dinner she had gone to lie down for a little on the sofa, forshe was suffering again from her headache; and when I entered theroom and saw her waxen-pale face with closed eyes, hanging across thesofa-ledge, I started as if struck.

  "I felt as if I really saw her already as a corpse before me.

  "I dropped down in front of the sofa and covered her lips and brow withkisses. Quite radiantly she opened her eyes and stared at me, as if shesaw a vision; only as consciousness returned did her face grow seriousand sad, as before.

  "'Well, well, my girl, what is the matter with you?' she said. 'This isnot your usual behaviour!'

  "And gently she pushed me away, so that once more I stood alone with myoverflowing heart; but as I was slinking away she came after me, andwhispered---

  "'I love you very much, my darling sister!'

  "On the evening of the same day I noticed that she constantly keptsmiling to herself. Papa was struck by it too, for as a rule it neveroccurred. He took her head between his two hands, and said--

  "'What has come over you, Margell? Why you are blooming like a flowerto-day.'

  "Then she blushed a deep red, while I secretly clasped her hand underthe table, and thought to myself, 'We know very well what makes us sohappy.'

  "Next morning papa came to the breakfast-table with an open letter inhis hand.

  "'A strange bird is about to fly into our nest,' he said, laughing;'now guess what his name is!' And with that he looked quite peculiarlyacross at Martha. She appeared to me to have grown even a shade paler,and the coffee-cup which she held in her hand shook audibly.

  "'Has the bird been in our nest before?' she asked slowly and softly,and did not raise her eyes.

  "'I should think so indeed!' laughed papa.

  "'Then it is--Robert Hellinger,' she said, and sighed deeply, as ifafter a hard effort.

  "'Upon my word, girl, you _are_ one to guess.' said papa, and shook hisfinger at her.

  "But she was silent, and walked from the room with slow, draggingsteps--nor did she appear again that morning. For my part I kept prettycool over our cousin's approaching visit. His image of former days, asit dimly hovered in my memory, was not such as to inspire a romanticimagination of fifteen years with ardent dreams for its sake.

  "But Martha's behaviour had struck me. Next day, in the early morning,I heard her walking up and down with long strides in the guest-rooms.

  "I followed her, for I was anxious to know what she was busying herselfabout in these usually closed apartments.

  "She had opened all the windows, uncovered the beds, let down thecurtains, and now in her wooden shoes was running amidst all thisconfusion from one room to the other. Her hands she held pressed to herface, and kept laughing to herself; but the laugh sounded more likecrying.

  "When I asked her, 'What are you doing here, Martha?' she gave a start,looked at me quite confused, and seemed as if she must first thinkwhere she was.

  "'Don't you see--I am covering the beds.' she stammered after a while.

  "'For whom, pray?' I asked.

  "'Don't you know we are going to have a visitor?' she answered.

  "'I suppose you are awfully pleased at the prospect?' I said, andslightly shrugged my shoulders.

  "'Why should I not be pleased?' she replied, 'It is our cousin.'

  "'And nothing more?' I asked, shaking my finger at her as I had seenpapa do the day before.

  "Then she suddenly grew very grave, and looked at me with her big, sadeyes so strangely and reproachfully that I felt how all the bloodrushed to my face. I turned away, and as I could no longer keep up mysuperiority, I slunk out of the door.

  "From this moment Cousin Robert caused me many a thought. It seemedclear to me that the two loved each other, and seized by the mysteriousawe with which the idea of the great Unknown fills half-grown childrenof my age, I began to picture to myself how such a love might havetaken shape. I ran through the wild-growing shrubs of the park, andsaid to myself, 'Here they enjoyed their secret walks.' I slippedinside the dusky arbours, and said to myself, 'Here in the moonlightwas their trysting-place.' I sank down upon the mossy turf-bank, andsaid to myself, 'Here they held sweet converse together.' The wholegarden, the house, the yard, everything that I had known since thebeginning of my life suddenly appeared resplendent in a new light. Apurple sheen was spread over all. Wondrous life seemed to have awakenedtherein. I had so completely absorbed myself in these phantasies, thatfinally I believed that I myself had lived through this love. When Isaw Martha again I did not dare to raise my eyes to her, as if Icherished the secret in my bosom and she were the one who must notguess it.

  "But next morning when I reflected that Martha had positivelyexperienced everything that I after all had only dreamt about, I feltquite awed by the thought, and from out of a dark corner I contemplatedher fixedly with shy, inquiring looks, as if she were a being from somestrange world.

  "I was well aware that every five minutes she found something to busyherself about on the verandah, from whence one could look acrosstowards the courtyard-gate; but to-day I took good care not to put anypert questions to her. Now I felt like a confidante--like anaccomplice. It was a beautiful clear September day. Over woodland andmeadow was spread a rosy veil, silver threads floated softly throughthe air, the river carried a cover of vapour, and far and wide it wasas silent as in a church. I went into the wood, for I could never haveexcess of solitude to satiate myself with dreams. In the birch-treesfaded leaves already rustled; the bracken drooped like a wounded humanbeing that can barely keep upright.

  "I grew very sad. 'Now there will be a great dying,' I said: 'ah, thatone might die too!'

  "And then I remembered what I had heard and read in derision ofsentimental autumn thoughts. 'For shame, how wicked!' I thought. 'Theyshall not deride me, for I shall know how to conceal myself and myfeelings. It is no one's business what I do feel. And for all I carethey may think me cold and heartless, if only I have the consciousnessthat my heart beats warmly and full of love for mankind.'

  "Yes, that was a delightful, foolish day, and blissfully would Isacrifice what yet remains to me of life, if it might once more begranted to me. In the evening--I can see it all as if it were to-daythe windows stood open, the tendrils of the wild vine swayed in thebreeze, and from the distance a stamping of hoofs, a
clashing of lancesand swords greeted my ears. I could see nothing, for the darknessdevoured it all, but I knew that it was a band of Cossacks patrollingalong the frontier ditch. And then I closed my eyes and dreamt that atroop of knights were coming riding along at full speed--led by a fair,handsome prince, mounted on a milk-white charger. But I was thechatelaine sitting in the turret-room of the old castle, and the fameof my beauty had penetrated to every land, so that the prince had setforth surrounded by a company of picked horsemen, to seek me out andask my hand in marriage of the old nobleman my father.

  "And then I remembered Martha; and whether, as the elder, she would notbe preferred. But she loves her Robert, I comforted myself, she wantsno prince. And then I pictured to myself what I would give to eachmember of my family when I had mounted the throne: to Martha wonderfuljewellery, to papa an iron chest full of gold, and to mama a box ofpine-apple sweets.

  "The clashing of lances died away in the distance--and my dream was atan end.

  * * * * *

  "Next day he came.

  "When the carriage that brought him rolled in at the courtyard gate,Martha was busy in the kitchen. I ran to her, and beaming with pleasureI whispered into her ear, 'Martha, I believe he is here.' But sheforthwith apprised me that I was not her confidante. She looked at mevaguely for a time, then asked absently, 'Whom do you mean?'

  "'Whom else but our cousin?'

  "'Why do you tell me that in a whisper?' she asked. And when, inanswer, I shrugged my shoulders, she once more took up the kitchenspoon she had put down, and went on stirring.

  "'Is that the extent of your pleasure, Martha?' I asked, while Icontemptuously pursed my lips.

  "But she pushed me aside with her left hand and said, more passionatelythan was her wont, 'Child, I beg of you, go!'

  "And thus it came about that I received Cousin Robert in her stead.

  "As I stepped out on to the verandah, he was just alighting from hiscarriage.

  "'He does not look much better than papa,' that was my first thought. Agreat strong man like a giant, with broad chest and shoulders, his facesun-burnt, with little blue eyes in it, and framed by a shaggy beard,such a beard as the 'lancequenets' used to wear.

  "'Only the chin-strap is wanting,' I thought to myself.

  "He came jumping up the steps laughing towards me.

  "'Well, good morning, Martha!' he cried.

  "And then suddenly he stopped short, measured me from head to foot andstood there, half-way up the stairs, as if petrified.

  "'My name is not Martha, but Olga!' I remarked, somewhat dejectedly.

  "'Ah, that accounts for it!' he cried, shaking with laughter, steppedup to me and offered me a red, horny hand, quite covered with cracksand weals.

  "'What an uncouth fellow!' I thought in my own mind. And when we hadentered the room he looked me up and down again and said, 'You werequite a little thing yet, Olga, when I went away from here; now itseems like a wonder to me that you should be so like Martha!'

  "'I like Martha,' thought I, 'when was I ever in the least likeMartha?'

  "'But no,' he continued, 'she was not so tall, and her hair was fairer,and she did not stand there so haughtily--and--and--did not make suchserious eyes.'

  "'Ah, good Heavens,' thought I, 'you first look into Martha's eyes!'

  "At this moment the kitchen door opened quite, quite slowly, andthrough a narrow aperture she squeezed herself in. She had not takenoff her white apron. Her face was as white as this apron, and her lipstrembled.

  "'Welcome, Robert!' she said softly behind his back, for he had turnedtowards me.

  "At the first sound of her voice he veered round like lightning, andthen for about a minute they stood facing each other without moving,without uttering a word.

  "I trembled. For two days I had lain in wait for this moment, and nowit fell so wretchedly short of my expectations. Then they slowlyapproached each other, and kissed. This kiss too did not satisfy me. Hecould not have kissed _me_ differently; 'only that he did not attemptthat at all,' I added mentally. And then they both were silent again.My heart beat so wildly that I had to press both hands to my bosom.

  "At last Martha said, 'Won't you take a seat, Robert?'

  "He nodded and threw himself into the sofa-corner so that all itsjoints creaked. He looked at her again and again, then after a longtime he remarked, 'You are very much changed, Martha!'

  "I felt as if he had given me a slap in the face.

  "An unutterably sad smile played about Martha's lips.

  "'Yes, I suppose I am changed,' she then said.

  "Renewed silence. It seemed as if a long time were necessary for him toput a thought into words.

  "'Why did I never hear that you were ailing?' he began again at length.

  "'That I do not know.' she replied, with bitter affability.

  "'Could you not write to me about it?'

  "'Are we in the habit of writing to each other?' she asked in return.

  "He gave the table an angry shove.

  "'But if one is not well--then--then--'; he did not know how toproceed.

  "I pressed my fists together. I should so have liked to finish hissentence for him.

  "'Never mind.' said Martha, 'one often knows least one's self when oneis not well.'

  "'I should think one ought to know that best one's self,' he replied.

  "'What if one does not think it worth while to take any notice of it?'This time she spoke without bitterness, modestly and quietly as shealways spoke, and yet every word cut me to the quick.

  "('Oh, Martha, why did you repulse me?' a voice within me cried.)

  "And thereupon she broke into a short laugh, and asked how things wereat home, and whether uncle and aunt were well.

  "'First I should like to know how my uncle and my aunt are,' he said,and looked into the four corners of the room.

  "I was so glad to see the strained mood giving way, that I burst into aloud laugh at his comical search.

  "Both looked at me in astonishment as if they only just remembered mypresence.

  "'And what do you say to our child?' asked Martha, taking my hand inmotherly fashion, 'does she please you?'

  "'Better now already,' he said, scrutinising me, 'before, she was toostiff for me.'

  "'I could hardly put my arms round your neck at once?' I replied.

  "'Why not?' he asked, smiling complacently, 'do you think there is noroom for you there?'

  "'No,' said I, to let him know at once how to take me, 'that room isnot the place for me.'

  "He looked at me quite taken aback, and then remarked, nodding hishead--

  "'By Jingo, the little woman is pretty sharp.'

  "I was going to reply something, but at that moment papa entered theroom.

  "At table I constantly kept my eye on the two, without however beingable to notice anything suspicious.

  "Their eyes hardly met.

  "'Afterwards when the old people are taking their nap,' I thought tomyself, 'they are sure to try and make their escape.' But I wasmistaken. They quietly remained in the sitting-room, and did not evenseem anxious to get me out of the way. He sat in the sofa-cornersmoking, she, five paces away at the window, with some needlework.

  "'Perhaps they are too shy,' I thought, 'and are waiting till anopportunity presents itself.' I marked a few signs and slipped out.Then for half an hour I crouched in my room with a beating heart andcounted the minutes till I might go back again.

  "'Now he will go up to her,' I said to myself, 'will take her hands andlook long into her eyes. "Do you still love me?" he will ask; and she,blushing rosy red, will sink with tear-dimmed gaze upon his breast.'

  "I closed my eyes and sighed. My temples were throbbing; I felt moreand more how my fancies intoxicated me, and then I went on picturing tomyself how he would drop on his knees before her and, with ardentlooks, stammer forth glowing declarations of love and faithfulness.

  "I knew by heart everything that he was saying to her at thi
s moment,no less than what she was answering. I could have acted as prompter tothem both. When the half-hour was over, I held counsel with myselfwhether I should grant them a few moments longer. I was at presenttheir fate and as such I smilingly showered my favours upon them.

  "'Let them drain their cup of bliss to the last drop!' said I, andresolved to take a walk through the garden yet. But curiosityoverpowered me so that I turned back half-way.

  "Softly I crept up to the door, but hardly did I find courage to turnthe handle. The thought of what I was about to see almost took mybreath away.

  "And what did I see now, after all?

  "There he still sat in his sofa-corner as before, and had smoked hiscigar down to a tiny stump; but in her embroidery there was a flowerwhich had not been there before.

  "'Why do you shrug your shoulders so contemptuously?' asked Martha, andRobert added, 'It seems I do not meet with her ladyship's graciousapproval.'

  "'So,' thought I, 'for all my kindness I get sneers into the bargain,'and went out slamming the door after me. That same night, I, foolishyoung creature that I was, lay awake till nearly morning, and picturedto myself how I, Olga Bremer, would have behaved had I been in theplace of those two. First I was Robert, then Martha; I felt, I spoke, Iacted for them, and through the silence of my bedroom there sounded thepassionate whisperings of ardent, world-despising love.

  "As things were much too straightforward to please me, I invented anumber of additional obstacles--our parents' refusal, nocturnalmeetings at the frontier trench, surprise by the Cossacks,imprisonment, paternal, maledictions, flight, and finally deathtogether in the waves; for only hereby, so it seemed to me, could truelove be worthily sealed and confirmed.

  "When I got up in the morning my head whirled, and yellow and greenlights danced before my eyes.

  "Martha clasped her hands in horror at my appearance, and Robert, whowas sitting again for a change in a sofa-corner, and once again sendingforth clouds of smoke all around, remarked--

  "'Have you been crying or dancing all night?'

  "'Dancing,' I replied, 'on the Brocken, with other witches.'

  "'One positively cannot get a sensible word out of the girl,' he said,shaking his head.

  "'As you cry into the wood,' replied I.

  "'Oh! I am as still as a mouse already,' he remarked, laughing, 'else Ishall get such a dish of aspersion to begin the day with, as I havenever swallowed in all my life.'

  "Martha looked at me reproachfully, and I ran out into the park whereit was darkest and hid my burning face in the cool mass of leaves.

  "I was near crying.

  "'So this is my fate,' I moaned, 'to be misunderstood by the wholeworld, to stand there alone and despised though my heart is full ofpassionate love, to wither unheeded in some corner, while every otherbeing finds its companion and stills its longings in an ardentembrace.'

  "Yes, I had so vividly pictured to myself Martha's love that I hadfinally come to think myself the heroine of it.

  "Thus, of course, disenchantment could not fail to come.

  "And if only the two had made some further effort to keep pace with theflights of my imagination! But the longer Robert remained in our house,the more I watched Martha's intercourse with him, the more did I becomeconvinced that all interest was unnecessarily wasted upon them.

  "She--the type of a timid, insipid, housewife, subject to any fatalityof every-day life.

  "He--a clumsy, dull, work-a-day fellow, incapable of any degree ofemotion.

  "In this strain I philosophised as long as the bitter feeling that Iwas unnoticed and superfluous wholly filled my soul. Then there came anevent which not only disposed me to be more lenient, but also gave anew direction to my ideas about this stranger cousin.

  * * * * *

  "It was on the fourth day of his visit when he unexpectedly stepped upto me and said:

  "'Little one, I have a request to make to you. Will you come out for aride with me?'

  "'What an honour,' replied I.

  "'No, you must not begin again like that,' said he, laughing, thoughannoyed. 'We will try for once to be good comrades just for half anhour. Agreed?'

  "His cordiality pleased me. I gave him my hand upon it.

  "As we rode out of the courtyard gate Martha stood at the kitchenwindow and waved to us with her white apron.

  "'See here, Martha,' I thought in my mind, 'this is how I would rideout into the wide world with him if I were his paramour.'

  "For my ideas as to what a 'paramour' is were as yet very vague, and Idid not hesitate to ascribe this dignity to Martha.

  "'He rides well.' I went on thinking; 'my prince could not do better.'

  "And then I caught myself throwing myself back proudly and joyously inmy saddle, swayed by an undefined sense of well-being that made all mynerves tingle.

  "He said nothing, only now and again turned towards me and nodded at mesmilingly, as if he thought well to secure our compact anew every fiveminutes. It was needless trouble, for nothing was further from mythoughts than to break it.

  "When we had ridden for half an hour at a sharp trot he pulled up hischestnut and said:

  "'Well, little one?'

  "'What is your pleasure, big one?'

  "'Shall we turn back?'

  "'Oh, no.'

  "I was absolutely not willed to give up so quickly what filled me withsuch intense satisfaction.

  "'Well, then, to the Illowo woods,' said he, pointing to the bluishwall which bordered the distant horizon.

  "I nodded and gave my horse the whip, so that it reared up high andplunged along in wild bounds.

  "'Very creditable for a young lady of fifteen.' I heard his voicebehind me.

  "'Sixteen, if you please!' cried I, half turning round towards him. 'Bythe bye, if you again reproach me with my youth, there's an end to ourgood fellowship.'

  "'Heaven forbid!' he laughed, and then we rode on in silence.

  "The wood of Illowo is intersected by a small rivulet, whose steepbanks are so close together that the alder branches from either sideintertwine and form a high-vaulted, green dome over the surface of thewater, terminating at each bend in a dense wall of foliage, behindwhich it builds itself up anew. Down there, close to the water's edge,I had known, since my childhood, many a secluded nook, where I hadoften sat for hours, reading or dreaming to myself, while my horsepeacefully grazed up in the wood.

  "As we now rode slowly along between the trees, a desire seized me toshow him one of my sanctuaries.

  "'I want to dismount,' I called out to him; 'help me out of my saddle.'

  "He jumped off his horse and did as I had bid.

  "'What do you intend to do?' he then asked.

  "'You will see shortly.' said I. 'First of all, let the horses go.'

  "'I should think so, indeed,' he laughed. 'You seem to be one of thosewho catch their hares by putting salt on their tails.'

  "And he set about tying the bridles to a tree.

  "'Let loose,' I commanded; and as he did not obey, I gave the horses alash of the whip, so that before he thought of catching hold of thereins tighter, they were already galloping about at liberty in thewood.

  "'What now?' said he, and put his hands in his pockets. 'Do you thinkthey will let themselves be caught?'

  "'Not by you!' laughed I, for I was sure of my favourites.

  "And when at a low whistle from my lips they both came racing alongfrom the distance and snuffled about affectionately at my neck withtheir nostrils, my heart swelled with pride that there were creatureson earth, though only dumb animals, who bowed to my might and weresubject to me through love; and triumphantly I looked up at him as ifnow he must know me as I really was, and what I required of the world.

  "But I could see that even now I had not impressed him. 'Well done,little one!' he said, nothing more, patted me on the shoulder infatherly manner, and then threw himself down carelessly upon the grass.The sun's rays, which broke through the foliage, glittered in hi
sbeard. Like a hero in repose he appeared to me, like those described innorthern saga.

  "But just as I was about to grow absorbed in my romancing, he began toyawn most fearfully, so that I was very quickly and rudely transferredto prose.

  "'But we are not going to stay here. Sir Cousin.'

  "'Don't be foolish, little one,' said he, closing his eyes; 'do likeme, let us sleep.'

  "Then a frolicsome mood possessed me, and I stepped up to him and shookhim soundly by the collar.

  "He snatched at my dress, but I evaded him, so that he jumped to hisfeet and attempted to lay hold of me. Then I walked quietly to meet himand said, 'That's right, now come along.' And then I led him rightthrough a dense thicket of thorns, down the steep slope, at the foot ofwhich the deep water lay like a dark mirror. Down there broadleavedconvolvuli and creepers had formed a natural bower above a projectingblock of stone, in which even at high noon one could sit almost in thedark.

  "Thither I led him.

  "'Upon my word, it is delightful here, little one,' he said, andcomfortably stretched himself upon the stone, so that his feet hungdown to the water. 'Come, sit down at my side; ... there is room for usboth.'

  "I did as he wished, but seated myself so that I could look down uponhim.

  "He pretended to be sleeping, and now and again blinked up at methrough half-closed lids.

  "Then the thought suddenly came to me, 'Now, if you were Martha, whatshould you do?' and I was so startled by it that my blood gushed uphotly into my face.

  "'Are you easily frightened, little one?' he asked.

  "I shook my head.

  "'Then come here!'

  "'I am here at your side.'

  "'Place yourself in front of me.'

  "I did so. My feet almost touched the flat edge of the stone.

  "Suddenly he raised himself, clasped me as quick as lightning about thewaist, and at the same moment I felt myself suspended in mid-air abovethe water. I looked at him and laughed.

  "'Let me tell you.' said he, 'that it is not by any means a laughingmatter. If I let you drop----'

  "'I shall be drowned--so let me drop.'

  "'No, first you must make a confession to me.'

  "'What confession?'

  "'Why you do not like me.'

  "I drew a deep breath. At the same time I felt that the soles of myfeet were already being wetted by the surface of the water. He must notlet me sink any lower. A delicious feeling of powerlessness came overme.

  "'I do like you.' I said.

  "'Then why do you give me such disagreeable answers?

  "'Because I am a disagreeable creature.'

  "'That is certainly plausible,' laughed he, and with rapid swing liftedme up like a feather so that I came to stand once more upon the stone.'There, now sit down, we will talk sensibly.' Then he took my hand andcontinued: 'See, I am a simple fellow, have worked hard and givenlittle thought to sharpening my wit. You with your quick little brainalways kill me at the very first thrust, so that I have grownpositively afraid of talking to you. I know you mean no harm, for it isnot in our blood to be ill-natured; but all the same, it is not theproper thing. I am nearly twelve years older than you, and you almost achild yet. Am I right?'

  "'You are right.' said I, dejectedly, wondering privately where mydefiance had departed to.

  "'Then why did you do it?'

  "'Because I wanted to gain your approval.' said I, and drew a deepbreath.

  "He looked into my eyes amazed.

  "'Because I wanted to show you that I was not a silly thing, that myhead was in its right place, that I----,' I stopped short and grewashamed of myself.

  "He chewed his beard and looked meditatively before him.

  "'Indeed, now,' he said, 'I was in a fair way to get quite a wrong ideaof your character. What a good thing that I followed Martha's advice!'

  "'Martha's?' I exclaimed. 'What did she advise you?'

  "'Take her aside alone some time,' she said, 'and have it out with her.Whomever she does not love she hates, and it would pain me if she didnot grow to love you.'

  "'Did she say that?' asked I, and tears came into my eyes. 'Oh, yougood sister, you noble soul!'

  "'Yes, she said that and much more besides, in order to explain andvindicate your disposition. And as I love Martha----'

  "'Do you?' I interrupted him, eager to learn more.

  "'Yes, very dearly,' he replied reflectively, and looked down into thewater beneath him.

  "My heart beat so violently that I could hardly draw my breath. So he,he took me into his confidence, he made a confederate of me. I couldhave embraced him there and then, so grateful did I feel towards him.

  "'And does she know it?' I inquired.

  "'I daresay she knows it,' he remarked; 'a thing of that sort cannot beconcealed----'

  "What--then--you have not--told her?' I stammered.

  "He shook his head sadly.

  "I was awakened from all my illusions. So the arbours of our garden hadnever afforded shelter to two lovers, the moon as it shone through thebranches had never been the witness of clandestine kisses? And all myromancing had proved itself nothing but idle imagination? But in themidst of my disillusion a deep compassion seized me for this giant,crouching beside me as helpless as a child. Surely, I vowed to myself,he shall not in vain have put his trust in me!

  "'Why did you remain silent?' I inquired further.

  "He looked somewhat suspiciously at my immature youth, and then began,heaving a deep breath:--

  "'You see, at that time I was a silly young fellow, and could not pluckup courage to speak; in the years of one's youth one is already sosupremely happy if one can only now and again secure a secret pressureof the hand, that one thinks marriage can have no further bliss tooffer. But----you really cannot understand all these things.'

  "'Who knows?' replied I, in my innocence; 'I have read a great deal onthe subject already.'

  "'The short and the long of it is.' he continued, 'that I was thennearly as foolish as you are at present. And now, you see, if I speakto her now, every word binds me with iron fetters to all eternity.'

  "'And don't you wish to bind yourself?' I asked in astonishment.

  "'I _may_ not,' he cried; 'I dare not, for I do not know if I can makeher happy.'

  "'Well, of course, if you do not know that,' said I, drawing up my lipscontemptuously, and in my heart I inferred further: 'Then he cannotlove her either.'

  "But he started up with sparkling eyes: 'Understand me aright, littleone.' he cried; 'if it only depended on me, I would ask nothing betterall my life, than to carry her in my arms, lest her foot might dashagainst a stone. But--oh, this misery--this misery!' And he tore hishair, so that I grew quite frightened of him. Never should I havethought it possible for this quiet, reflective man to behave sopassionately.

  "'Confide in me, Robert,' said I, placing my hand on his shoulder; 'Iam only a foolish girl, but it will unburden your heart.'

  "'I cannot,' he groaned, 'I cannot!'

  "'Why not?'

  "'Because it would be humiliating--for you too. Only this much I willtell you: Martha is a delicate, tender, sensitive creature; she wouldnever be able to hold her own against the flood of cares and misfortunewhich must pour down upon her there. She would be broken like a weakblade of corn at the first onset of the storm. And what good would itbe, if a few years after our wedding I had to carry her to her grave?'

  "A cold shudder runs through me, when I think how that word of presagecame to be so terribly realised; but at that moment there was nothingto warn me. I only felt the ardent desire to give as romantic a turn aspossible to this, to my mind, much too prosaic love affair.Unfortunately there was not much to be done at present. So at least Iassumed a knowing air, and sought in my memory for some of the phraseswith which worthy sibyls and father confessors are wont to feed thesoul of unhappy lovers.

  "And he, this big child, drank in the foolish words of comfort like onedying of thirst.

  "'But will she have pat
ience?' he asked, and showed signs of becomingdisheartened again.

  "'She will! Depend upon it,' I cried, eagerly; 'as she has waited solong, she will wait for another year or two. You will see how gladlyshe will submit.'

  "'And what if even later nothing should come of it?' he objected, 'if Ishould have disappointed her hopes, have played the fool with herheart? No, I will not speak; they may drag my tongue out of my mouth,but I will not speak!'

  "'If you did not intend to speak, why then did you come?' asked I.Heaven knows how this two-edged idea got into my foolish young girl'shead. I felt darkly that I was committing a cruelty when I put it intowords, but now it was too late. I saw how his face grew pale, I felthow his breath swelled up hot and heavy and poured itself forth upon mein a sigh.

  "'I am an honest man, Olga,' he muttered between his teeth; 'you mustnot torture me. But as you have asked, you shall have an answer. I camebecause I could bear life without her no longer, because by a sight ofher I wanted to gather up strength and comfort for sad days to come,and because--because in my heart of hearts I still cherished the fainthope that things might be different here, that it might be possible forher to come with me.'

  "'And is it not possible?'

  "'No! Do not ask why; let it suffice you that I say no.'

  "Then suddenly he bent down towards me, took hold of both my hands, andsaid, from the very depths of his soul: 'See, Olga, more has come ofour good fellowship than we both could suspect an hour ago. Will younow stand by me faithfully, and help me as much as lies in your power?'

  "'I will,' said I, and felt very solemn the while.

  "'I know you are no longer a child,' he went on; 'you are a sensibleand brave girl and do not swerve from anything you undertake. Will youkeep watch over her, so that she does not lose heart, even if I now goaway again in silence. Will you?'

  "'I will!' I repeated.

  "'And will you sometimes write to me, to tell me how she is? Whethershe is well, and of good courage? Will you?'

  "'I will!' I said, for the third time.

  "'Then come, give me a kiss, and let us be good friends, now andalways.' And he kissed me on my mouth....

  "Five minutes later we were on our horses and riding hurriedly towardsthe home farm; for it already was beginning to grow dark.

  "'You stayed away a long time,' said Martha, who was standing in herwhite apron on the verandah, and smiled at us from afar. When I sawher, I felt as if I could never find enough tenderness to pour out uponmy sister. I hastened towards her and kissed her passionately, but atthe same moment I regretted it, for it appeared to me as if I werethereby wiping his kiss from my lips.

  "Embarrassed, I desisted, and slunk away. At supper I constantly hungupon his eyes, for I thought he must make known our secretunderstanding by some sign. But he did not think of any such thing.Only when we shook hands after the meal he pressed mine in quite apeculiar way, as he had never done before. I was as pleased as if I hadreceived some valuable present.

  "On that evening I could hardly await the time when I might go to bedand put out the light; then I was often wont to stare for an hour at atime into the darkness, dreaming to myself. It was in my power to keepawake as long as I wished, and to go to sleep as soon as I thought ittime. I had only to bury my head in the pillows and I was off. To-day Istretched myself in my bed with a sense of well-being such as I hadnever before in my life experienced. I felt as if every wish of my lifehad been fulfilled. My cheeks burnt, and on my lips there stilldistinctly remained the slight tingling sensation of that kiss--thefirst kiss with which a man,--papa of course did not count--had kissedme.

  "And if, strictly speaking, it had been meant for some one else, whatdid that matter to me? I was still so young I could not yet lay claimto anything of the kind for my own self.

  "Thereupon I once more fell into my favourite reverie as to what Ishould do if I were in Martha's place. Thus I had no need to destroythe fancies which to-day had been proved only idle chimera, but couldgo on spinning them out to my heart's content, and I did spin them out,waking and sleeping, till early morning.

  "Two days later he drove off. A few hours before he took his leave, hehad a long conference with Martha in the garden. Without any feeling ofjealousy I saw them disappear together, and it afforded me unspeakablepleasure to keep watch at the gate so that no one should surprise them.

  "When they appeared again they were both silent, and looked sad andserious.

  "No, he had not declared himself; that I saw at the first glance, buthe had spoken of the future, and probably interspersed many a littleword of modest hope.

  "Before he stepped into the carriage, it so happened that he was for afew moments alone with me. Then he took my hand and whispered:

  "'You will not betray one single word, will you? I can depend upon it?'

  "I nodded eagerly.

  "'And you will write to me soon?'

  "'Certainly.'

  "'Where shall I send the answer?'

  "I started. I had not in the remotest degree thought of that. But asthe moment pressed, I mentioned at haphazard the name of an oldinspector who had always been specially attached to me.

  * * * * *

  "Time passed. One day followed another in the old way, and yet now howdifferently, how peculiarly the world had shaped itself for me.

  "I no longer had any need to study love from books, and search for itafar off; it had stepped bodily into my existence, its sweet mysteriesplayed around me, and I--oh, joy!---I was joining in the game. I wasentangled head over ears in the intrigue that was to lay the basis ofmy sister's happiness.

  "It was like a miracle to see how after each of Robert's visits sherevived and gained fresh strength and colour and health. Like aninvigorating bath those few days of their intercourse had acted uponher, and more even than they, probably, that miraculous fountain ofhope from which she had drunk a long and furtive draught.

  "Certainly the sunny cheerfulness of other days did not return to heragain, that seemed irretrievably lost in those seven years of wearywaiting; no song, no laughter ever issued from her lips, but over herfeatures there lay spread a soft warm glow, as if a light from withinher soul irradiated them. Nor did she any longer drag herself about thehouse with lagging, weary steps, and whoever approached her was sure ofa friendly smile.

  "And as her happiness must needs find vent in love, she also attachedherself more closely to me, and tried to gain an insight into my hiddenand lonely thoughts. I loved her the more dearly for it, I all the moreoften invoked God's blessing upon her, but I did not give her myconfidence.

  "Before she, of her own accord, opened out her whole heart to me, Icould not and would not confess how far I had already gazed into itsdepths.

  "Sometimes I caught myself looking across at her with a motherlyfeeling--if I may call it so for since I carried on an activecorrespondence with Robert, I imagined that it was I who held herhappiness in my hands.

  "My vanity made of me a good genius, clad in white raiment, whose handbore a palm-branch, and whose smile dispensed blessings. And meanwhileI counted the days till a letter from Robert came, and ran about withglowing cheeks when at length I carried it near my heart.

  "These letters had become such a necessity to me that I could hardyimagine how I should ever be able to exist without them. Under pretextof telling him all about Martha, I most cunningly understood how toprattle away the cares that filled his heart--childishly and foolishly(as men like to hear it from us, so that they may feel themselves oursuperiors), and again at other times seriously and knowingly beyondmy years--just as I felt in the mood. He willingly submitted to mychatter in all its different keys, as one submits to the piping of asinging-bird, and more I did not ask. For I was already so gratefulthat he allowed me--a silly young girl who had still to leave the roomwhen grown-up people had serious questions to discuss--to participatein his great, grave love. All my dignity and self-consciousness werebased upon this _role_ of guardian. And thus I gr
ew up with and by thislove, of which never a crumb might fall for me beneath the table.

  * * * * *

  "When the following autumn approached, I noticed that Martha manifesteda peculiar restlessness. She ran about her room with excited steps,remained for half the nights at the open window, gesticulated and spokeloudly when she thought herself alone, and was violently startledwhenever she found herself caught in the act.

  "I faithfully informed Robert of what I saw, and added the questionwhether he had perhaps held out any hope of his coming at thisparticular time; for Martha's whole condition seemed to me to beproduced through painfully overwrought expectation.

  "I had every reason to be satisfied with the shrewdness of my seventeenyears, for my observations proved correct.

  "Deeply contrite, he wrote to me that he had indeed at partingexpressed a hope of being able to return with a cheerful face in thefollowing autumn, but that he had deceived himself, that he was moreencumbered by cares and debts than ever before, that he was workinglike a common labourer, and did not see a ray of hope anywhere.

  "'Then at least release her from the torture of waiting,' I wrote backto him, 'and cautiously inform our parents how you are placed.'

  "He did so; two days later already, papa, in a bad humour, brought theletter along, which I--on account of my childish want of judgment--wasnot allowed to read.

  "On Martha it operated in a way which terrified and deeply moved me.The excitement of the last weeks there and then disappeared. In itsplace there showed itself again that despairing listlessness which oncebefore, in the days preceding Robert's coming, had worn her to ashadow; once more she fell away; once more deep blue rings appearedround her eyes; once more an odour of valerian proceeded from her mouthwhile she often writhed in pain. Added to this was the constant desireto weep, which at the smallest provocation, found vent in a torrent oftears.

  "This time papa did not send for a doctor. He could make the diagnosishimself. Even mama suffered with the poor girl, as far as herphlegmatic nature permitted, and it did not permit her to stir from herchimney-corner to tender help to her sickening daughter. As for me, Inow for the first time found an opportunity of proving to my familythat I was no longer a child, and that even in serious matters, my willclaimed consideration. I took the burden of housekeeping upon myshoulders, and though they all smiled and remonstrated, and thoughMartha declared time after time that she would never suffer me, theyounger one, to usurp her place, I had still in a fortnight, so fargained my point that the entire household danced to my pipe.

  "That was the only time when Martha and I ever came to hard words; butgradually she necessarily perceived that what I did was only done forher sake, and finally she was the first to feel grateful to me. Inseveral other things too, she learnt to submit to me; but she sought todeceive herself as to my influence by remarking that one must give wayto children.

  "Through my intercourse with Robert, I now learnt for the first thatone may tell lies for love's sake. I concealed from him the sad effectsof his letter, yes, I even unblushingly wrote to him that everythingwas as well as could be. I acted thus, because I reflected that thetruth would plunge him into a thousand new cares and anxieties, whichmust absolutely crush him, as he was powerless to help. But it was veryhard for me to keep up my light chatty tone, and often some joke seemedto freeze in my pen.

  "And things grew more and more troubled. Papa was despondent becausefailure of crops had destroyed his best prospects, mama grumbledbecause no one came to amuse her, and Martha faded away more and more.

  "Christmas drew near--such a gloomy one as our happy home had neverbefore witnessed.

  "Round the burning Christmas tree which I had this time trimmed andlighted in Martha's stead, we stood and did not know what to say toeach other for very heaviness of heart. And because no one else did so,I had to assume a forced smile and attempt to scare the wrinkles fromtheir brows. But I got very little response indeed, and finally weshook hands and said 'good-night,' so that each might retire to hisroom, for we felt that anyhow we could not get on together.

  "When I came to Martha, who sat silently in a corner, gazing vacantlyat the dying candles, a painful feeling darted through my breast, as ifI were committing some wrong towards her, which I ought to redress. ButI did not know what this wrong could be.

  "She kissed me on my forehead and said: 'May God ever let you keep yourbrave heart, my child; I thank you for every joke to which you forcedyourself to-day.' I, however, knew not what to reply, for thatconsciousness of guilt, which I could not grasp, was gnawing at mysoul. When I was alone in my room, I thought to myself, 'There, now youwill celebrate Christmas.' I took Robert's letters out of the drawerwhere I kept them carefully hidden, and determined to read at them farinto the night.

  "The storm rattled my shutters, snow-flakes drifted with a soft rustleagainst the window-panes, and above, there peacefully gleamed thegreen-shaded hanging lamp.

  "Then, as I comfortably spread out the little heap of letters in frontof me, I heard next door, in Martha's room, a dull thud and thereuponan indistinct noise that sounded to me like praying and sobbing.

  "'That is how _she_ celebrates Christmas,' I said, involuntarilyfolding my hands, and again I felt that pang at my heart, as if I wereacting deceitfully and heartlessly towards my sister.

  "And I brooded over it again till it became clear to me that theletters were to blame.

  "'Do I not write and keep silence all for her good?' I asked myself;but my conscience would not be bribed; it answered: 'No.' Like flamesof fire my blood shot up into my face, for I recognised with whatpleasure my own heart hung upon those letters. 'What would she not givefor one of these papers?' I went on thinking, 'She who perhaps nolonger believes in his love, who is wrestling with the fear that heonly did not come because he meant to tear asunder the ties that bindhim to her heart.' 'And you hear her sobbing?' the voice within mecontinued, 'you leave her in her anguish, and meanwhile comfortyourself with the knowledge that you share a secret with him, with himwho belongs to her alone?'

  "I clasped my hands before my face; shame so powerfully possessed me,that I was afraid of the light which shone down upon me.

  "'Give her the letters!' the voice cried suddenly, and cried so loudlyand distinctly that I thought the storm must have shouted the words inmy ears.

  "Then I fought a hard battle; but each time my good intention wavered,hard pressed by the fear of breaking my word to him, and by the wish toremain still longer in secret correspondence with him, her sobbing andpraying reached me more distinctly and confused my senses so, that Ifelt like fleeing to the ends of the earth in order to hear no more.

  "And at length I had made up my mind. I carefully packed the letterstogether in a neat little heap, tied them round with a silk ribbon, andset about carrying them across to her.

  "'That shall be your Christmas present,' said I, for I remembered thatthis year I had not been able to embroider or crochet anything for her,as had usually been the custom between us. And as he who gives likes toclothe his doings in theatrical garb in order to hide his overflowingheart, I determined first to act a little comedy with her.

  "I crept, half-dressed as I was, down into the sitting-room, where ourpresents were spread under the Christmas tree, groped in the dark forher plate, gathered up what lay beside it, and on the top of all placedthe little packet of letters. Thus laden, I came to her door andknocked.

  "I heard a sound like some one dragging himself up from the floor, andafter a long while--she was probably drying her eyes first--her voicewas heard at the door, asking who was there and what was wanted of her.

  "'It is I, Martha.' I said, 'I come to bring you--your plate--you leftit downstairs.'

  "'Take it with you into your room, I will fetch it to-morrow,' shereplied, trying hard to suppress the sobs in her voice.

  "'But something else has been added,' said I, and my words too werealmost choked with tears.

  "'Then give it me to-morr
ow.' she replied, 'I am already undressed.'

  "'But it is from me,' said I.

  "And because, despite her misery, in the kindness of her heart she didnot want to hurt my feelings, she opened the door. I rushed up to herand wept upon her neck, while I kept tight hold of the plate with myleft hand.

  "'Whatever is the matter with you, child?' she asked, and patted me. 'Alittle while ago you seemed the only cheerful one, and now----'

  "I pulled myself together, led her under the light, and pointed to theplate. At the first glance she recognised the handwriting, grew aswhite as a sheet, and stared at me like one possessed, out of eyes thatwere red with weeping.

  "'Take them, take them!' said I.

  "She stretched out her hand, but it shrank back as at the touch ofred-hot iron.

  "'See, Martha!' said I, with the desire to revenge myself for hersilence, and at the same time to brag a little, 'you had no confidencein me; you considered me too childish, but I saw through everything,and while you were fretting, I was up and doing.' Still she continuedto stare at me, without power of comprehension. 'You imagine that he nolonger cares about you,' I went on, 'while all the time I have had togive him regular account of your doings and of the state of yourhealth. Every week----'

  "She staggered back, seized her head with both her hands, and thensuddenly a shudder seemed to pass through her frame. She stepped closeup to me, grasped my two hands, and with a peculiarly hoarse voice shesaid, 'Look me in the face, Olga! Which of you two wrote the firstletter?'

  "'I,' said I, astonished, for I did not yet know what she was drivingat.

  "'And you--you betrayed to him the state of my feelings--you--_offered_me, Olga?'

  "'What puts such an idea into your head?' said I. 'He himself confessedeverything to me when he was here. Oh, he knew me better than you.' Iadded, for I could not let this small trump slip by. 'He was notashamed to confide in me.'

  "'Thank God!' she murmured with a deep sigh, and folded her hands.

  "'But now come, Martha,' said I, leading her to the table, 'now we willcelebrate Christmas.'

  "And then we read the letters together, one after the other, and fromone and all his heart, faithful and true as gold, shone forth throughthe simple, awkward words, and spread a warm glow, so that our heavilyoppressed souls grew lighter and more cheerful, that we laughed andcried with cheek pressed to cheek, and almost squeezed our hands off inthe mutual attempt to make each other feel the pressure which his warmred fist was wont to give.

  "And then suddenly--it was at one place where he specially impressedupon me to be sure and take great care of her and watch over her andprotect her for his sake--her happiness overwhelmed her, and--I blushto write it down--she fell on her knees before me and pressed her lipsto my hand.

  "But, though I was much startled, I no longer felt anything of thatpricking and gnawing which a little while before, under the Christmastree, had so sorely beset my bosom. I knew that my guilt was blottedout, and with a free light heart I vowed to myself now indeed to watchlike a guardian angel over my sister, who was so much more feeble andin want of direction than I, the foolish and immature child. And shefelt this herself, for unresistingly she, who had hitherto treated meas a child, submitted to my guidance.

  "At last I had attained the desire of my heart. I had a human beingwhom I could pet and spoil as much as I pleased; and, now that everybarrier between us had fallen, I lavished upon my sister all thetenderness which had for so long been stored up unused within me.

  "Father and mother were not a little surprised at the newly-awakenedcordiality of our relations to each other, that just latterly had leftmuch to be desired, and Martha herself could hardly grow accustomed tothe change. She contemplated me every day in new astonishment, andoften said, 'How could I suspect that there was so much love withinyou?'

  "If she could only have known what a sacrifice it cost me to divulge mysecret, she would have put a still higher value upon my love.

  "Yes, I had rightly guessed how it would be: from the moment whenMartha had held the letters in her hand, the happiness of my secretunderstanding with Robert was at an end for me. Like a stranger he nowappeared to me, and when I sat down to write to him I felt like a meremachine that has to copy other people's thoughts. Often I even passedon a letter unread to Martha as soon as I received it from theinspector's hands. Sometimes it worried me that I had abused hisconfidence to such an extent, for he suspected nothing of herknowledge; but when I looked at her, saw her newly-awakening smile andthe quiet, dreamy happiness that shone forth from her eyes, I consoledmy conscience with the thought that I could not possibly have committedany wrong. So far I had only become his betrayer; soon I was to betrayMartha too.

  "Winter and spring passed by swiftly, and the time came for storing thesheaves in the barns.

  "As soon as the harvest was over he intended to come; but before then,he wrote, there was many a hardship to be surmounted.

  * * * * *

  "One day papa appeared in the kitchen, where we were, with anapparently indifferent air, snuffled about for a while among the potsand pans, and meanwhile kept on slashing at the long leggings of hiswater-boots with his riding-whip.

  "'Why you have become a Paul Pry to-day, papa?' said I.

  "He gave a short laugh and remarked, 'Yes, I have become a Paul Pry.'And when he had for some time longer been running backwards andforwards without speaking, he suddenly stopped in front of Martha andsaid--

  "'If you should just have time, my child, you might come into the roomfor a moment. Mama and I have something to say to you.'

  "'Ah, I see,' said I, 'that is the reason for this long preliminary.May I come too?'

  "'No.' he replied. 'You remain in the kitchen.'

  "Martha gave me a long look, took off her apron, and went with him tothe sitting-room.

  "For a while all remained quiet in there. Round about me the steam washissing, the pots were broiling, and one of the maids was making agreat clatter cleaning knives; but all this noise was suddenlypenetrated by a short, piercing cry which could only proceed fromMartha's lips.

  "Trembling I listened, and at the same moment papa came rushing intothe kitchen, calling for 'Water!' I hurried past him, and found mysister lying fainting on the ground with her head in mama's lap.

  "'What have you been doing to Martha?' I cried, throwing myself on myknees beside her.

  "No one answered me. Mama, as helpless as a child, was wringing herhands, and papa was chewing his moustache, to suppress his tears,as it seemed. Then, as I bent down over the poor creature, I saw ablue-speckled sheet of paper lying beside her on the floor, which Iimmediately, and unobserved by any one, appropriated.

  "Thereupon I quickly did what was most pressing: I recalled my sisterto consciousness, and led her, while she gazed about with vacant eyes,up to her room.

  "There I laid her upon her bed. She stared up at the ceiling, and fromtime to time wanted to drink. Her spirit did not yet seem to haveawakened again at all.

  "I meanwhile secretly drew the letter from my pocket, and read what Ihere record verbally; for I have carefully preserved this monument ofmotherly and sisterly affection:--

  "'My beloved Brother! Dearest Sister-in-Law!--A circumstance of a verypainful nature compels me to write to you to-day. You are, I am sure,fully convinced how much I love you, and how much my heart longs to bein the closest possible relation to you and your children. All throughmy life I have only shown you kindness and affection, and received thesame from you. Relying on this affection I to-day address a request toyou, which is prompted by the anxiety of a mother's heart. To-day myson Robert came to us and declared that he intended asking you for yourdaughter Martha's hand; begging us at the same time to give ourconsent, with which, as a good son and also as a prudent man he cannotdispense, as unfortunately he still depends, to a great extent, on ourassistance.

  "'If I might have followed the bent of my heart, I would have fallenupon his neck with tears of joy; b
ut, unhappily, I had to keep a clearhead for my son and my husband--who are both children--and was forcedto tell him that on no account could anything come of this.

  "'My dear brother, I do not wish to reproach you in any way fornot having been able to keep your affairs straight in the course ofyears--far be it from me to mix myself up in matters that do notconcern me; but as these matters now stand, your estate is encumberedwith debts, and, with the exception of--as I would fain believe--anample 'trousseau,' your daughters would not have a farthing of dowry toexpect. On the other hand, my son Robert's estate is also heavilyembarrassed through the payments which he had to make to us and hissisters and brothers--as well as by the mortgages which we still holdupon it, and by the interests of which we and my other children have tolive--so that marriage with a poor girl would simply mean ruin to him.

  "'I do not take into account that your daughter Martha must--accordingto your letters--be a weakly and delicate creature, and thereforeappears to me utterly unfit to take cheerfully upon herself the caresof this large household and to render my son Robert happy; the ideathat she would come into his house with empty hands is in itselfdecisive for me, and suffices to convince me that she herself mustbecome unhappy and make him so.

  "'If your daughter Martha truly loves my son Robert, it will not provehard for her to renounce all thoughts of a marriage with him in theinterests of his welfare, provided, of course, he should still have thecourage to propose to her in spite of his parents' opposition--althoughI do not expect such filial disobedience from him, and absolutelycannot imagine such a thing. I am convinced, my dear relations, thatyour brotherly and sisterly affection will prompt you to join with mein refusing your consent, now and for ever, to such a pernicious andunnatural union,

  "'Yours, with sincere love,

  "'Johanna Hellinger.

  "'P.S.--How have your crops turned out? Winter rye with us is good, butthe potatoes show much disease.'

  * * * * *

  "Rage at this mean and hypocritical piece of writing so possessed me,that loudly laughing, I crumpled the sheet of paper beneath my feet.

  "My laughter probably hurt Martha, for it was her moaning which atlength brought me back to my senses. There she lay now, helplesslysmitten down, as if shattered by the blow which should have steeled herstrength for enhanced resistance. And as I gazed down upon her,tortured by the consciousness of being condemned to look on idly, thereonce again broke forth from my soul that sigh of former times: 'Oh,that you were--she!' But what new meaning it concealed! What then hadbeen folly and childishness, had now developed into seriousness ofpurpose, ready self-sacrifice, and consciousness of strength.

  "I determined to act as long as ever there was time yet. First of all,I would go to my parents, tell them what I had done, and that for along time already I had been initiated into everything--and finallydemand of them to assign to me at length that position in the familycouncil which, in spite of my youth, was due to me.

  "But I rejected this idea again. As soon as I participated in thedeliberations of my family, it became my duty not to act contrary towhatever they thought good, and only if I apparently took no heed ofanything, could I be working for the salvation of my poor sisteraccording to my own plans and my own judgment.

  "I very soon saw how matters lay. Each one had read in the letter whatmost appealed to his nature.

  "Papa, quite possessed by a poor man's pride, would, after this, havethought it a disgrace to let his child enter a family where she wouldbe looked at disparagingly. Mama, for her part, had been touchedby the interspersed professions of affection, and thought that hersister-in-law's confidence ought not to be abused.

  "And my sister?

  "That same night, as I kept watch at her bedside, I felt her place herhot hand upon mine and draw me gently towards her with her feeble arm.

  "'I have something to say to you, Olga,' she whispered, still lookingup at the ceiling with her sad eyes.

  "'Had we not better leave it till to-morrow?' I suggested.

  "'No,' she said, 'else meanwhile that will happen which must nothappen. Henceforth all is over between him and me.'

  "'You little know him,' said I.

  "'But I know myself,' said she. 'I break it off.'

  "'Martha!' I cried, horrified.

  "'I know very well,' she said, 'that I shall die of it, but what doesthat matter? I am of very little account. It is better so, than that Ishould make him unhappy.'

  "'You are talking in a fever, Martha,' I cried, 'for I do not think yousilly enough to let yourself be baited by the trash of that old hag.'

  "'I feel only too well that she speaks the truth,' said she. A coldshudder passed through me when I heard her pronounce these despairingand hopeless words as calmly and composedly as if they were a formulaof the multiplication table. 'Do not gainsay me.' she continued; 'notonly since to-day do I know this--I have always felt something of thekind, and ought by rights not to have been startled to-day; but itcertainly does upset one, when one so unexpectedly sees in writingbefore one's eyes the death sentence which hitherto one has scarcelydared to suggest to one's own conscience.'

  "As eloquently as I possibly could, I remonstrated with her. Iconsigned our aunt to the blackest depths of hell, and proved to anicety that she (Martha) alone was born to become the good angel inRobert's house. But it was no good, her faith in herself would not berevived; the blow had fallen upon her too heavily. And finally sheexpected it of me to write no further letter to him, and to break offour intercourse once and for all. I was alarmed to the depths of mysoul, no less for my own than for her sake. I refused, too, with allthe energy of which I was capable; but she persisted in herdetermination, and as she even threatened to betray our correspondenceto our parents, I was at length forced to comply, whether I would orno.

  * * * * *

  "Troubled days were in store. Martha slunk about the house likea ghost. Papa rode like wild through the woods, stayed away atmeal-times, and had not a good word for any of us. Mama, our good, fatmama, sat knitting in her corner, and from time to time wiped the tearsout of her eyes, while she looked round anxiously, lest any one shouldnotice it. Yes, it was a sad time!

  "Two urgent letters from Robert had arrived. He wrote that he was ingreat trouble, and I was to send him tidings forthwith. I told Marthanothing of them, but I kept my promise.

  "A week had passed by, when I noticed that our parents were discussingwhat answer they would send to aunt. In order to exclude any suspicionof sneaking into a marriage, papa had the intention of binding himselfby a final promise, and mama said 'yes,' as she said yes to everythingthat did not concern jellies and sweets.

  "The same day Martha declared that she felt unfit to leave herbed--that she had no pain, but that her limbs would not carry her.

  "Thus I saw misfortune gathering more and more darkly. I dared nothesitate any longer.

  "'Come! Redeem your promise before it is too late.' These words I wroteto him. And to be quite sure, I myself ran down into the town, andhanded the letter to the postillion who was just preparing to start forPrussia.

  "At the moment when the envelope left my hands, I felt a pang at myheart as if I had thereby surrendered by soul to strange powers.

  "Three times I was on the point of returning to ask my letter back, butwhen I did so in good earnest the postillion was already far away.

  "When I climbed up the slope leading to the manor house I hid myself inthe bushes and wept bitterly.

  "From that hour an agitation possessed me, such as I had never beforein my life experienced. I felt as if fever were burning in my limbs--atnights I ran about my room restlessly, all day long I was on thelook-out, and every approaching carriage drove all the blood to myheart.

  "I gave wrong answers to every question, and the very maids in thekitchen began to shake their heads doubtfully. A bride who is expectingher bridegroom could not behave
more crazily.

  "This state of things lasted for four days, and it was lucky for methat each member of the family was so engrossed with himself, elsesuspicion and cross-examination could not have been spared me.

  "This time I did not receive him. When I recognised his figure in thestrange, four-horse carriage which, all besplashed with mud, torethrough the courtyard gate, I ran up to the attic and hid in the mostremote corner.

  "My face was aglow, my limbs trembled, and before my eyes fiery-redmists were dancing.

  "Downstairs I heard doors banging, heard hurried steps lumber up anddown the stairs, heard the servants' voices calling my name--I did notstir.

  "And when all had become quiet, I stole cautiously down the backstaircase, out into the park, in the wildest wilderness of which Icrouched down. A peculiar feeling of bitterness and shame agitated me.I felt as if I must take to flight, only never again to have to facethat pair of eyes for whose coming I yet had so longingly waited. Andthen I pictured to myself what, during these moments, was most probablytaking place in the house. Papa was sure to have been somewhat helplessat sight of him, for he certainly still felt the effects of that wickedletter; he was sure also to have resisted a little when he heard himutter his proposal; but then Martha had appeared--how quickly she hasfound her strength again, poor ailing creature, who but a few momentsago lay tired to death on the sofa, how quickly she will have forgotteneverything that the years have brought of sorrow and sadness--and nowthey will lie in each other's embrace and not remember me.

  "And then suddenly a dark feeling of defiance awoke within me. 'Why doyou hide away?' cried a voice. 'Have you not done your duty? Is not allthis your work?'

  "With a sudden jerk I raised myself up, smoothed back my tumbled hairfrom my forehead, and with firm tread and set lips I walked towards thehouse. No sound of rejoicing greeted my ears. All was quiet--quiet asthe grave. In the dining-room I found mama alone. She had folded herhands and was heaving deep sighs, while great tears rolled down as faras her white double chin.

  "'That is the result of her emotion.' thought I to myself, and sat downfacing her.

  "'Wherever have you been hiding, Olga?' she said, this time drying hereyes quite leisurely. 'You must have a few young fowls killed forsupper, and set the good Moselle in a cold place. Cousin Robert hascome.'

  "'Ah, indeed,' said I, very calmly, 'where may he be?'

  "'He is speaking to papa in his study.'

  "'And where is Martha?' I asked, smiling.

  "She gave me a disapproving look for my precociousness, and then said,'She is in there, too.'

  "'Then I suppose I can go at once and offer my congratulations; Iremarked.

  "'Saucy girl,' said she.

  "But before I could carry out my purpose the door of the adjoining roomopened and in walked slowly, as slowly as if he came from a sepulchre,Robert--Cousin Robert, with ashy pale face and great drops ofperspiration on his brow. I felt how, at sight of him, all my blood,too, left my face. A presentiment of evil awoke within me.

  "'Where is Martha?' I cried, hastening towards him.

  "'I do not know.' He spoke as if every word choked him. He did not evenshake hands.

  "And then papa came too, after him.

  "Mama had got up and all three stood there and silently shook handslike at a funeral.

  "'Where is Martha?' I cried once more.

  "'Go and look after her,' said papa, 'she will want you.'

  "I rushed out, up the stairs to her room. It was locked.

  "'Martha, open the door! It is I.'

  "Nothing stirred.

  "I begged, I implored, I promised to make everything right again. Ilavished endearing epithets upon her--that, too, was in vain. Nothingwas audible except from time to time a deep breath which sounded like agasp from a half-throttled throat.

  "Then rage seized me, that I should be everywhere repulsed.

  "'I suppose I am just good enough to prepare the mourning repast.' Isaid, laughing out loud, ran to the maids and had six young chickenskilled and even stood by calmly while the poor little creatures' bloodsquirted out of their necks.

  "One of them, a young cockerel, quite desperately beat its wings andcrowed for very terror of death, while it thrust its spurs at themaid's fingers.

  "'Even a poor, weak animal like this resists when one tries to killit,' I thought to myself, 'but my lady sister humbly kisses the handthat wields the knife against her.'

  "The death of these innocent beings might almost be called gay incomparison with the meal for which they served. No condemned criminal'slast meal could pass more dismally. Every five minutes some onesuddenly began to talk, and then talked as if paid for it. The othersnodded knowingly, but I could very well see: whoever heard did not knowwhat he heard, whoever talked did not know what he was talking about.

  "Martha had not put in an appearance. When we were about to separate,each one to go to his room, Robert seized both my hands and drew meinto a corner.

  "'My thanks to you, Olga,' he said, while his lips twitched, 'forhaving so faithfully taken my part. Now we will mark a long pause atthe end of our letters.'

  "'For heaven's sake, Robert,' I stammered, 'however did this comeabout?'

  "He shrugged his shoulders. 'I suppose I kept her waiting too long,' hethen said; 'she has grown tired of me.'

  "I was about to cry out: 'That is not true--that is not true! 'butbehind us stood my father and informed him that, according to his wish,the conveyance would be ready at daybreak.

  "'Then I am not to see you any more?' I cried, alarmed.

  "He shook his head. 'We had better bid each other good-bye now,' hesaid, and squeezed my hand.

  "Within me a voice cried that he must not depart thus, that I mustspeak to him at any price. But I bravely suppressed the words that werenearly choking me. And so we once more shook hands and separated.

  "I had several things to do yet in the house, and while I put out somecoffee and weighed out flour and bacon for next morning's meal, thewords were constantly in my ears: 'You must speak to him.'

  "Then, as I went, with my candle in my hand, up to my room, I made adetour past his door, for I hoped I might perhaps meet him on thelanding; but that was empty, and his door was closed. Only the sound ofhis heavy footsteps inside the room was audible throughout the house.

  "In Martha's room it was as silent as death. I put my ear to thekeyhole; nothing was audible. She might as well have been dead orflown.

  "Terror seized me. I knelt down in front of the keyhole, begged andimplored, and finally threatened to fetch our parents if she stillpersisted in giving no sign of life.

  "Then at length she vouchsafed me an answer. I heard a voice: 'Spareme, child, just for to-day spare me!' And this voice sounded so strangethat I hardly recognised it.

  "I went on my way now, but my fear increased lest he might set forthwith anger and disappointment in his heart, without a word ofexplanation, without ever having suspected the greatness of Martha'slove.

  "A very fever burnt within my brain, and every pulsation of my veinscried out to me: 'You must speak to him--you must speak to him!'

  "I half undressed and threw myself on the sofa. The clock struckeleven--it struck half-past eleven. Still his footsteps resoundedthrough the house. But the later it was, the more did it growimpossible for me to carry out my resolve.

  "What if a servant should spy upon me--should see me stealing into ourguest's room! My heart stood still at the thought.

  "The clock struck twelve. I opened the window and looked out upon theworld. Everything seemed asleep, even from Robert's and Martha's roomsno light shone forth. Both were burying their sorrow and anguish in thelap of darkness.

  "With the night wind that beat against the casement, the words dronedin my ears: 'You must--you must!' And like a soft sweet melody itcoaxed and cajoled at intervals: 'Thus you will see him again--willfeel his hand in yours--will hear his voice--perhaps even his laugh; doyou not want to bring him happiness--the happiness of his life
?'

  "With a sudden impulse I shut the casement, wrapped myself in mydressing-gown, took my slippers in my hand and stole out into the darkcorridor.

  "Ah, how my heart beat, how my blood coursed through my temples! Istaggered--I was obliged to support myself by the walls.

  "Now I stood outside his door. Even yet his footsteps shook the boards.But the noise of his heavy tread had ceased. He had evidently divestedhimself of his boots.

  "'You must not knock!' it struck me suddenly, 'that would not escapeMartha.'

  "My hand grasped the door-handle. I shuddered. I do not know how Iopened the door. I felt as if some one else had done it for me.

  "Before me the outline of his mighty figure----.

  "A low cry from his lips--a bound towards me. Then I felt both my handsclutched--felt a hot wave of breath near my forehead.

  "At the first moment the mad idea may have darted through his brain,that Martha had in such impetuous manner bethought herself of her oldlove--in the next he had already recognised me.

  "'For Heaven's sake, child,' he cried, 'whatever has possessed you?What brings you to me? Has no one possibly seen you, say--has no oneseen you?'

  "I shook my head. He still evidently thinks you very stupid, I thoughtto myself, and drew a deep breath, for I felt the terrors of my venturewere disappearing from my soul.

  "He set me free and hastened to make a light. I groped my way to thesofa, and dropped down in a corner.

  "The light of the candle flared up--it dazzled me. I turned towards thewall and covered my face. A feeling of weakness, a longing to cling tosomething, had come over me. I was so glad to be with him, that Iforgot all else.

  "'Olga, my dear, good child,' he urged, 'speak out, tell me what youwant of me?'

  "I looked up at him. I saw his swarthy, serious face, in which theday's trouble had graven deep furrows, and became lost in itscontemplation.

  "'What do you want? Do you bring me news of Martha?'

  "'Yes, of course, Martha!' I pulled myself together. Away with thissentimental self-abandon! In my limbs I once more felt the firmstrength of which I was so proud. 'Listen, Robert,' said I, 'you willnot set out at daybreak already.'

  'Why should I not do so?' said he, setting his lips.

  "'Because I do not wish it!'

  "'All due respect to your wishes, my dear child!' replied he, with abitter laugh, 'but they alter nothing in my resolve.'

  "'So you want to lose Martha for ever?'

  "Now I felt myself once more so strong and joyous in my _role_ ofguardian, that I would have taken up fight with the whole world tobring these two together. Foolish, unsuspecting creature that I was!

  "'Have I not already lost her?' he replied, and stared into vacancy.

  "'What did she say to you to-day?'

  "'Why should I repeat it? She spoke very wisely and very staidly, asone can only speak if one has ceased to love a person.'

  "'And you really believe that?' I asked.

  "'Must I not believe it? And after all, what does it signify? Even ifshe had retained a remnant of her affection for me, she did well to getrid of it thoroughly on this occasion; it is better thus, for her aswell as for me. I have nothing to offer her; no happiness, no joy,not even some little paltry pleasure, nothing but work, and trouble,and anxiety--from year's end to year's end. And added to that, amother-in-law who is hostile to her, who would make her feel it keenly,that she had come with empty hands.'

  "I felt how my blood rushed to my face. I was ashamed, but not forMartha or myself--for I was of course just as poor as she; no, for him,that he should have to speak thus of his own mother.

  "'And now say yourself, my girl,' he went on, 'is she not wiser, withsuch prospects before her, to remain in the shelter of her warm nest,and to send me about my business, as I could never give her anythingbut unhappiness?'

  "He dishevelled his hair and ran about the room the while like a huntedanimal.

  "'Robert,' said I, 'you are deceiving yourself.'

  "He stopped, looked at me and laughed out loud: 'What is it you want ofme? Am I perhaps to demand a written confirmation of her refusal,before I betake myself off?'

  "'Robert,' I continued, without allowing myself to be put out, 'tell mecandidly whether you love her?'

  "'Child,' he replied, 'should I be here if I did not love her?'

  "With his huge arms outspread he stood before me. I felt as if I mustbe crushed between them if they closed around me--everything dancedbefore my eyes--I squeezed myself further into my corner. And thenthere came into my thoughts what I had pictured to myself now and foryears before; how I would love him if I were Martha, and how I shouldwant him to love me in return.

  "'See, Robert.' I said, 'taking me altogether, I am a foolish creature.But as regards love, I do know about that, not only through the poets;I have felt it in myself for a long time.'

  "'Do you love some one then?' he asked.

  "I blushed and shook my head.

  "'How else can you feel it within you?' he went on.

  "'It came as an inspiration from Heaven,' I replied, lowering my gaze tothe ground, 'but I know I would not love like you two. I would not bedowncast, I would not steal away as you are doing and say: "It isbetter so!" I would compel her with the ardour of my soul; I wouldconquer her with the strength of my arms; I would clasp her to mybreast and carry her away with me, no matter whither! Out into thenight, into the desert, if no sun would shine upon us, no house give usshelter. I would starve with her at the roadside, rather than give fairwords to the world--the world that sought to separate me from her.Thus, Robert, I would act if I were you; and if I were she, I wouldlaughingly throw myself upon your breast, and would say to you: "Come,I will go a-begging for you if you have no bread, my lap shall be yourresting-place if you have no bed, your wounds I will heal with mytears--I will suffer a thousand deaths for your sake, and thank Godthat it is vouchsafed to me to do so." You see, Robert, that is how Iimagine love, and not pasted together out of fear of mothers-in-law andunpaid interests.'

  "I had talked myself into a passion. I felt how my cheeks were a-glow,and then suddenly shame overwhelmed me at the thought that I had thuslaid bare to him my innermost being. I pressed my hands to my face, andstruggled with my tears.

  "When I dared to look up again, he was standing before me withglistening eyes and staring at me.

  "'Child,' he said, 'where in all the world did you get that from? Whyit sounded like the Song of Songs.'

  "I set my teeth and was silent. I did not know myself how it had cometo me.

  "He then seated himself at my side and seized both my hands.

  "'Olga.' he went on, 'what you just said was not exactly practical, butit was beautiful and true, and has stirred up the very depths of mysoul. It seemed to me as if I were listening to a voice from some otherworld, and I am almost ashamed of having been faint-hearted andcowardly. But even if I braced myself up and thought as you do: whatgood would it all be, seeing that she no longer cares for me?'

  "'She not care for you?' I cried, 'she will die of it, if you leaveher, Robert!'

  "'Olga!'

  "I saw how a joyful doubt illumined his countenance, and I felt as if astrange hand were gripping at my throat; but I would not let myself bedeterred from my purpose, and gathering together all my defiance, Icontinued: 'I know, Robert, that you will despise me when you haveheard what I am about to tell you; but I must do it, so that you mayunderstand that you _cannot_ depart. I have played a false game towardsyou, Robert, I have betrayed your confidence.'

  "And with bated breath, gasping forth the words, I told him what I haddone with his letters.

  "I had not nearly finished when I suddenly felt myself seized in hisarms and clasped to his breast.

  "'Olga, and this is true?' he cried, quite beside himself with joy,'can you swear to me that it is the truth?'

  "I nodded affirmatively, for the tremor that ran deliciously through myveins had robbed me of speech.

  "'God bless you for
this, you wise, brave girl,' he cried, and pressedme so firmly to his breast that I could hardly draw my breath. I let myhead drop upon his shoulder and closed my eyes. And then I started as Ifelt his lips upon mine. It seemed to me as if a flame had touched me.And again and again he kissed me, quite senseless with gratitude andhappiness.

  "I kept thinking: 'Oh, that this moment might never end!' And tremorupon tremor shook my frame; quite limp I hung in his arms. Only oncethe idea darted through my mind: 'May you return his kisses?' But I didnot dare to do so.

  "How long he held me thus I do not know, I only felt my head suddenlyfall heavily against the sofa-ledge. Then the pain awakened me as froma deep, deep dream.

  "I lay there motionless and gasped for breath. He noticed it and criedin alarm, 'You are growing quite pale, child; have you hurt yourself?'

  "I nodded, and remarked that it was nothing, and would soon pass over.Ah! I knew too well that it would not pass over, that it would begraven in flaming letters upon my heart and upon my senses, that onmany a long, cold, winter's night I should I find warmth in the glow ofthis moment, in this glow which was only the reflection of love foranother.

  "I knew all that, and felt as if I must succumb beneath the weight ofthis consciousness, but I braced myself up, for I had sufficientlylearnt to keep myself under control.

  "'Robert,' said I, 'I want to give you a piece of advice, and then letme go, for I am tired!'

  "'Speak, speak!' he cried, 'I will blindly do whatever you wish.'

  "Then, as I looked at him, it made me sigh with mingled pain and bliss,for the thought kept coming to me: 'He has held you in his arms.' Ishould have liked best of all to sink back once more with closed eyesinto the sofa-corner, and simulate fainting a little longer, but Ipulled myself together and said: 'I am pretty certain that Martha willnot close her eyes to-night, but be on the watch to see you go. Shewill want to look after you; and as her room lies towards the gardenshe will either go into yours or the one adjoining. When you getdownstairs wait a little while, and then do as if you had forgottensomething, and then--and then----' I could not go on, for all toomighty within me was the sobbing and rejoicing: 'He has held you in hisarms.'

  "I feared that I should no longer be able to master myexcitement--without a word of farewell I turned to take to flightprecipitately. When I opened the door--Martha stood before me. Shestood there, barefooted, half-dressed, as pale as death, and trembling.She was unable to stir; her strength probably failed her.

  "And at the same moment I heard behind me a glad cry, saw him rush pastme and clasp her tottering form in his arms.

  "'Thank God, now I have you!' That was the last I heard; then I fled tomy room as if pursued by furies, locked and bolted everything, andwept, wept bitterly.

  * * * * *

  "Over the days that now followed, with their crushing blows of fate,with their lingering sorrow, I will pass with rapid stride. In them Ibecame matured: I became a woman.

  "Eight months after that night papa was carried home on a waggon-rack.He had fallen from his horse and sustained grave internal injuries.Three days later he died. In the misery that now beset the household, Iwas the only one who kept a clear head. Martha broke down feebly, andmama--oh, our poor dear mama! She had been sitting for so many yearscomfortably and placidly in the chimney-corner, knitting stockings andchewing fruit-jujubes the while, that she would not and could notrealise that it must be different now. She spoke not a single word, shehardly shed a tear, but internally the sore spread, and even had thebrain fever, which attacked her four weeks later, spared her, hersorrow would still have broken her heart.

  "There, now, those two lay in the churchyard, and we two orphans wereleft helpless in our desolate home, and waited for the time when weshould be driven forth. I, for my part, knew which way my path lay, andknew that the future would have nothing to offer me but the hard breadof service; I did not despair and did not quarrel with my fate. I knewthat I possessed sufficient strength and pride to hold my own evenamong strangers, but it was for Martha--who now less than ever coulddispense with love and consolation--that I trembled.

  "Her marriage still lay in the far distance; Robert must not let herwait much longer or she might easily waste away in her misery and onemorning silently die out like a little lamp in which the oil isconsumed.

  "I was not deceived in him. To the funerals he had not been able tocome; but his words of consolation had been there at all times, and hadhelped Martha over the most trying hours. For me, too, there wassometimes a crumb of comfort, and I eagerly seized upon it like onestarving.

  "One day he himself arrived. 'Now I have come to fetch you home,' hecried out to Martha. She sank upon his breast and there wept her fill.The happy creature! I meanwhile crept away into the darkest arbour, andwondered whether my heart would ever find a home prepared for it, whereit might take refuge in hours of trouble or hours of happiness! Ivery well felt that these were idle dreams, for the only place in theworld--in short, a feeling of defiance awoke within me, of bitternessso great, so galling to my whole nature, that I harshly and gloomilyfled my dear ones' embrace, and grew cold and reserved in solitarysadness.

  "I was to go with them, was to share the remnant of happiness thatstill remained for them, and to make a permanent home for myself at mybrother-in-law's hearth; but coldly and obstinately I repudiated hisoffer.

  "In vain both of them strove to solve the riddle of my behaviour, andMartha, who fretted because none of her happiness was to fall to myshare, often came at nights to my bedside and wept upon my neck. Then Ifelt ashamed of my hard disposition, spoke to her caressingly as to achild, and did not allow her to leave me till a smile of hope brokethrough her trouble.

  "For a week Robert worked hard in every direction to dispose of ourbelongings and find purchasers for them. Very little remained over forus; but then we did not require anything.

  "Then, quite quietly, the wedding took place. I and the oldhead-inspector were the witnesses, and instead of a wedding breakfastwe went out to the churchyard and bade farewell to the newly-madegraves, whose yellow sand the ivy was beginning to cover scantily withthin trails.

  "During the last weeks I had been looking out for a suitable situation.I had received several offers; I had only to choose. And when Robert,with grave and solemn looks, placed himself in front of me andsolicitously asked, 'What is to become of you now, child?' with a calmsmile I disclosed to him my plans for the future, so that he clappedhis hands in admiration and cried 'Upon my word I envy you; youunderstand how to make your way.'

  "And Martha too envied me, that I could see by the sad looks which shefastened on me and Robert. She herself wished that she might once morehave all my unbroken, youthful strength to lay it upon his altar ofsacrifice. I kissed her and told her to keep up her spirits, and hereyes with which she looked imploringly up at Robert said: 'I give youall that I am; forgive me that it is not more.'

  "Next morning we set forth; the young couple to their new home--I to goamong strangers.

  * * * * *

  "Of the next three years I will say nothing at all. What I sufferedduring that time in the way of mortification and humiliation is gravenwith indelible lines upon my soul; it has finally achieved thehardening of my disposition, and made me cold and suspicious towardsevery living human being. I have learnt to despise their hatred andstill more their love. I have learnt to smile when anguish was tearingwith iron grip at my soul. I have learnt to carry my head erect, when Icould have hidden it in the dust for very shame.

  "The leaden heaviness of dreary, loveless days, the terrible weight ofdarkness in sleepless nights, the loathsome dissonance of lasciviousflattery, the endless, oppressive silence of strangers' jealousy--withall these I became familiar.

  "It was indeed a hard crust of bread that I ate among strangers, andoften enough I moistened it with my tears.

  "The only comfort, the only pleasure that remained to me, were Martha'sletters. She wr
ote often, at times even daily, and generally there wasa postscript in Robert's scrawling, awkward handwriting. Oh, how Ipounced upon it! How I devoured the words! Thus I lived through theirwhole life with them. It was not cheerful--no, indeed not! But still itwas life! Often the waves of trouble closed over them; then both ofthem, strong Robert and weak Martha, were defenceless and helpless liketwo children, and I had to intervene and tender advice andencouragement.

  "Finally, I had become so well acquainted with their household that Icould have recognised the voice and face of each of their servants, ofevery one of their friends and acquaintances.

  "Aunt Hellinger I hated with my most ardent hatred, the old physician Iloved with my most ardent love, the insipid set of Philistines who hadsuch a spiteful way of looking at everything, and so exactly reckonedout on their fingers the progress of decay on Robert's estate, I heldin iciest contempt. 'Oh that I were in her place!' I often mutteredbetween my set teeth, when Martha plaintively described the littletrials of their social intercourse, 'how I would send them about theirbusiness, these cold, haughty shopkeepers! how they should crawl in thedust before me, subdued by my scorn and mockery!'

  "But her little joys I also shared with her. I saw her ordering anddisposing as mistress in and out of the house, saw the little band ofwilling servants around her, and wished I could have been still gentlerand more helpful than she--this angel in human shape. I saw her seatedon the sunny balcony, bending over her needlework. I saw her taking herafternoon rest under the great branches of the limes in the garden. Isaw her, as she sat waiting for his appearance, dreamily gazing outupon the whirling snow-flakes, when, outside, his deep voice resoundedacross the courtyard, and inside, the coffee-machine was cosilyhumming.

  "Thus I lived their life with them, while for me one lonely and joylessday joined on to the next like the iron links of an endless chain.

  "It was in the third year that Martha confessed to me that Robert'sardent wish and her own silent prayer was to be fulfilled--that she wasto become a mother. But at the same time her terror grew, lest herweak, frail body should not be equal to the trial which was in storefor her. I hoped and feared with her, and perhaps more than she, forloneliness and distance distorted the visions of my imagination. Many anight I woke up bathed in tears; for in my dreams I had already seenher as a corpse before me. A memory of my earliest girlhood returned tome, when I had found her one day, rigid and pale, like one dead, uponthe sofa.

  "This vision did not leave me. The nearer the decisive term approached,the more was I consumed with anxiety. I began to suffer bodily from themisgivings of my brain, and the strangers among whom I dwelt--I willnot mention them by name, for they are not worth naming in thesepages--grew to be mere phantoms for me.

  "Martha's last letters sounded proud and full of joyful hope. Her fearseemed to have disappeared; she already revelled in the delights ofapproaching maternity.

  "Then followed three days in which I remained without news, three daysof feverish anxiety, and then at length came a telegram from mybrother-in-law--'Martha safely delivered of a boy, wants you. Comequickly.'

  "With the telegram in my hand, I hastened to my mistress and asked forthe necessary leave of absence. It was refused me. I, in wildly arousedfury, flung my notice to quit in her face, and demanded my freedominstantly.

  "They tried to find excuses, said I could not be spared just then, thatI must at least make up my accounts, and formally hand over mymanagement; the long and the short of it was, that by means ofdespicable pretexts they delayed me for two days, as if to make thedependant, who had always behaved so proudly, feel once more to thefull the degradation of her humble position.

  "Then came a night full of dull stupefaction in the midst of thesense-confusing noise of a railway carriage, a morning of shiveringexpectation spent amidst trunks and hat-boxes in a dreary waiting-room,where the smell of beer turned one faint. Then a further six hours,jammed in between a commercial traveller and a Polish Jew, in thestuffy cushions of a postchaise, and at last--at last in the red glowof the clear autumn evening, the towers of the little town appeared inview, near the walls of which those dearest to me--the only dear ones Ipossessed in the world--had built their nest.

  "The sun was setting when I alighted from the postchaise, between thewheels of which dead leaves were whirling about in little circles.

  "With fast beating heart I looked about me. I thought I saw Robert'sgiant figure coming towards me; but only a few stray idlers wereloafing around, and gaped at my strange apparition. I asked theconductor the way, and, relying for the rest upon Martha's description,I set forth alone on my search.

  "In front of the low shop doors, groups were standing gossiping, andpeople out for a walk sauntered leisurely towards me. At my approachthey stopped short, staring at me like at some wonderful bird; and whenI had passed, low whispers and giggles sounded behind me. A horrorseized me at this miserable Philistinism.

  "Not until I saw the town gate with its towerlike walls rise up beforeme, did my mind grow easier. I knew it quite well. Martha in herletters was wont to call it the 'Gate of Hell,' for through it she hadto pass when an invitation from her I mother-in-law summoned her intothe town.

  "As I walked through the dark vaulting, I suddenly saw on the otherside of the archway, framed as it were in a black frame, the 'Manor'before my eyes.

  "It lay hardly a thousand paces away from me. The white walls of themanor house gleamed across waving bushes, flooded by the purple rays ofthe setting sun. The zinc-covered roof glistened as if a cascade offoaming water were gliding down over it. From the windows flames seemedto be bursting, and a storm-cloud hung like a canopy of black curdlingsmoke over the coping.

  "I pressed my hands to my heart; its beating almost took my breath, sodeeply did the sight affect me. For a moment I had a feeling as if Imust turn back there and then, and hasten away precipitately from thisplace, never stopping or staying till the distance gave me shelter.All my anxiety for Martha was swallowed up in this mysterious fear,which almost strangled me. I rebuked myself for being foolish andcowardly, and, gathering together all my strength, I proceeded alongthe country road in which half-dried-up puddles gleamed like mirrors inthe cart-ruts. Through the crests of the poplars above me there passeda hoarse rustling, which accompanied me till I reached the courtyardgate. Just as I entered it, the last sunbeam disappeared behind thewalls of the manor and the darkness of the mighty lime trees, whichspread from the park across the path, so suddenly enveloped me that Ithought night had come on.

  "To the right and left tumble-down brickwork, overgrown withhalf-withered celandine, jutted out above ragged thorn-bushes--theremains of the old castle, upon the ruins of which the manor house hadbeen erected. An atmosphere of death and decay seemed to lie over itall.

  "I spied fearfully across the vast courtyard, which the dusk of eveningwas beginning to cloak in blue mists. At every sound I started; I feltas if Robert's mighty voice must shout a welcome to me. The courtyardwas empty, the silence of the vesper hour rested upon it. Only from oneof the stable-doors there came the peculiar hissing sound which thesharpening of a scythe produces. A scent of new-mown hay filled the airwith its peculiarly sweet, pungent aroma.

  "Slowly and timidly, like an intruder, I crept along the gardenrailings towards the manor house, that seemed to look down uponme grimly and forbiddingly, with its granite pillars and itsweather-beaten turrets and gables. Here and there the stucco hadcrumbled away, and the blackish bricks of the wall appeared beneath it.It looked as if time, like a long illness, had covered this venerablebody with scars. The front door stood ajar. A large dark hall openedbefore me, from which a peculiar odour of fresh chalk and damp fungistreamed towards me--through small coloured glass windows, placed likeglowing nests close under the ceiling and all covered with cobwebs, adim twilight penetrated this space, hardly sufficient to bring intolight the immense cupboards ranged along the walls. A brighter gleamfell upon a broad flight of stairs worn hollow, the steps of whichrested upon stone pi
lasters. High vaulted oaken doors led to the innerapartments, but I did not venture to approach one of them. They seemedto me like prison gates. I was still standing there, timidly trying tofind my way, when the front door was torn open and through the wideaperture two great yellow-spotted hounds rushed upon me.

  "I uttered a cry. The monsters jumped up at me, snuffed at my clothes,and then raced back to the door, barking and yelling.

  "'Who is there?' cried a voice, whose deep-sounding modulations I hadso often fancied I heard in waking and dreaming. The aperture wasdarkened. There he stood.

  "Red mists seemed to roll before my eyes. I felt as if my feet wererooted to the ground. Breathing heavily, I leant against the staircolumn.

  "'Who the deuce is there?' he cried once more, while he vainly tried topierce the darkness with his eyes.

  "I gathered up all my defiance. Calmly and proudly, as I had bid himfarewell years before, would I meet him again to-day. What need for himto know how much I had suffered since then!

  "'Olga--really--Olga--is it you?' The suppressed delight thatpenetrated through his words gave me a warm thrill of pleasure. I feltfor a moment as if I must throw myself upon his breast and weep out myheart there, but I kept my composure.

  "'Were you not expecting me?' I asked, mechanically stretching out myhand to him.

  "Oh, yes--of course--we have been expecting you every hour for the lasttwo days--that is, we began to think----"

  "He had clasped my hand in both his, and was trying to look into myface. A peculiar mixture of cordiality and awkwardness lay in hismanner. It seemed as if he were vainly trying to discover traces of hisformer good friend in me.

  "'How is Martha?' I asked.

  "'You will see for yourself.' he replied. 'I do not understand thesethings. To me she appears so weak and so fragile that I tell myself itwill be a miracle if she survives it. But the doctor says she isgetting on well, and I suppose he must know best.'

  "'And the child?' I asked further.

  "A low, suppressed laugh sounded down to me through the semi-obscurity.

  "'The child--h'm--the child----' and instead of completing hissentence, he gave the dogs a kick, which sent them tearing out of thehouse forthwith.

  "'Come,' he then said, 'I will show you the way.'

  "We went upstairs, silently, without looking at each other.

  "'You have grown a stranger to him!' I thought to myself, and terrorarose within me, as if I had lost some long-cherished happiness.

  "'Wait a moment,' he said, pointing to one of the nearest doors. 'Ishould like to say a word to her to prepare her; the excitement, else,might hurt her.'

  "Next moment I stood alone in a dark, high-vaulted corridor, at thefurther end of which the rays of the departing day shone in darkglowing flames, and cast a long streak of light upon the shining flagsof the flooring. Undefined sounds, like the singing of a child's voice,floated past my ears, when the draught caught in the arches.

  "A low cry of joy, which penetrated to me through the door, made mestart up. My blood welled hotly to my heart: I felt as if its rushingmust choke me. Then the door opened, Robert's hand groped for me in thedarkness. Quite dazed, I allowed myself to be pulled forward, and onlyrecovered myself when I had dropped on my knees at a bedside, buryingmy face in the pillows, while a moist, hot hand lovingly stroked myhead. A feeling of homeliness, soft and soothing, such as I had notknown for years, cajoled my senses. I feared to raise my eyes, for Ithought it must all be lost to me again if I did.

  "Like a blessing from above the hand rested upon my head. Supremegratitude filled my breast. I seized the hand which trembled in mineand pressed my lips upon it long and passionately.

  "'What are you doing there, sister--what are you doing?' I heard hertired, slightly veiled voice.

  "I raised myself up. There she lay before me, pale and thin-faced, withdark hollows round her eyes, in which tears were glistening. Like aflake of snow she lay there, so delicate and so white; blue, swollenveins were traceable on her wan neck, and on her forehead, which seemedto shine as with a light from within, there stood beads ofperspiration. She was aged and worn since I had last seen her, and itdid not seem as if the crisis of the birth alone had acteddestructively upon her. But her smile remained the same as of old, thatloving, comforting, blessing-dispensing smile, with which she helpedevery one, even though she herself might be utterly helpless.

  "'And now you will not go away again,' she said, looking at me as ifshe could never gaze her fill; 'you will stay with us--for always.Promise it me--promise it me now at once!'

  "I was silent. Happiness had come upon me, burning like a fire fromheaven. It tortured me, it hurt me.

  "'Do help me to entreat her, Robert.' she began anew.

  "I started. I had entirely forgotten him, and now his presence actedupon me like a reproach.

  "'Give me time to consider it--till to-morrow.' I said, raisingmyself up. A dark presentiment awoke within me that here would be noabiding-place for me for long. Such happiness would have been too greatfor me, unhappy being, whom fate mercilessly drove among strangers.

  "I saw that Martha was anxious to spare my feelings.

  "'Till to-morrow, then.' she said softly, and squeezed my hand; 'andto-morrow you will have found out how necessary you are to us, and thatwe should be crazy if we let you go away again; isn't it so, Robert?'

  "'Of course--why, of course!' he said, and with that burst into a laughwhich sounded to me strangely forced. He evidently did not feelcomfortable in the presence of us two. And soon after he took up hiscap and showed signs of going off quietly.

  "'Won't you show her our child?' whispered Martha, and a smile ofunutterable bliss spread over her wasted features.

  "'Come.' he said, 'it sleeps in the next room.'

  "He preceded me. With difficulty he pushed his huge figure through thehalf-open door.

  "There stood the cradle, lit up by the red rays of the setting sun.From among the pillows there peeped a little copper-coloured head,hardly larger than an apple. The wrinkled eyelids were closed, and inthe little mouth was stuck one of the tiny fists, its fingerscontracted, as if in a cramp.

  "My glance travelled stealthily up from the child to its father. He hadfolded his hands. Devoutly he looked down upon this little human being.An uncertain smile, half-pleased, half-embarrassed, played about hislips.

  "Now, for the first time, I was able to contemplate him calmly. Thepurple evening rays lay bright upon his face, and brought to light,plainly and distinctly, the furrows and wrinkles which the three lastyears had graven upon it. Shades of gloomy care rested upon his brow,his eyes had lost their lustre, and round about his mouth a twitchingseemed to speak to me of dull submission and impotent defiance.

  "Unutterable pity welled up within me. I felt as if I must grasp hishands and say to him, 'Confide in me--I am strong; let me share yourtrouble.' Then, when he raised his eyes, I was terrified lest he shouldhave noticed my glance, and hastily kneeling down in front of thecradle, I pressed my lips upon the little face, which started as if inpain at my touch.

  "When I got up I saw that he had left the room.

  "Martha's eyes shone in anxious expectation when she saw me. She wantedto hear her child admired.

  "'Isn't it pretty?' she whispered, and stretched out her weak armstowards me.

  "And when her mother's heart was satiated with pride, she bade me sitdown beside her on the pillows and nestled with her head up to my knee,so that it almost came to lie in my lap.

  "'Oh, how cool that is!' she murmured, closed her eyes, and breatheddeeply and quietly as if asleep. With my handkerchief I wiped theperspiration from her forehead.

  "She nodded gratefully, and said: 'I am just a little exhausted yet,and my limbs feel as if they were broken; but I hope to be able to getup again to-morrow, and look after the household.'

  "'For heaven's sake, what are you dreaming of?' I cried, horrified.

  "She sighed. 'I must--I must. It does not let me rest.'

&nbs
p; "'What does not let you rest?'

  "She did not answer, and then suddenly she began to weep bitterly.

  "I calmed her, I kissed the tears from her lashes and cheeks, andimplored her to pour out her heart to me. 'Are you not happy? Isn't hegood to you?'

  "'He is as good to me as God's mercy; but I am not happy--I amwretched, sister; so wretched that I cannot describe it to you.'

  "'And why, in all the world?'

  "'I am afraid!'

  "'Of what?'

  "'That I--make him unhappy; that I am not the right one for him.'

  "A sudden icy coldness ran through me. It seemed to emanate from herbody upon mine.

  "'You see, you feel it too!' she whispered, and looked up at me withgreat frightened eyes.

  "'You are foolish.' I said, and forced myself to laugh; but thechillness did not leave my limbs. A dark suspicion told me that perhapsshe might be right. But now it was for me to comfort her!

  "'However could you give way to such silly self-torture?' I cried.'Does not his behaviour at all times prove to you how wrong you are?'

  "'I know, what I know,' she answered, softly; with that obstinacy ofendurance which is given as a weapon to the weak. 'And what I am nowtelling you, does not date from to-day--the fear is years old; I had itin my heart already before I was engaged to him, and I quite well knewat that time why I refused him--for very love!'

  "'Martha, Martha!' I cried, reproachfully; 'it seems to me that youconcealed a great deal from me.'

  "'At that time I did tell you everything,' she replied. 'You only wouldnot believe me; you wanted to make me happy by force, and later whyshould I say anything? On paper everything sounds so different fromwhat one means; you might even have thought you discovered a reproachagainst him or even against yourself, and naturally I could not risksuch a misunderstanding growing up. My misery already began on thefirst day when we arrived here. I saw how he and his mother fell out,and a voice within me cried: "You are the cause of it." I saw how hegrew sadder and gloomier from day to day, and again and again I said inmy heart: "You are the cause of it." At nights I lay awake at his side,and tortured myself with the thought: why are you so dull and sodepressing, and why can you do nothing but cling to him weeping, andsuffer doubly when you see him suffering? Why have you not learnt togreet him with a song as soon as he comes in, and with a laugh to kissaway the wrinkles from his brow? And more than this. Why are you notproud, and strong, and wise, and why can you not say to him: Takerefuge with me, when you are fainthearted--from me you shall derive newstrength, and I will take care that you do not stumble. This is how youwould have done, sister--no--do not contradict me; often enough I haveimagined how you would have stood there with your tall figure, andwould have opened out your arms to him so that he might seek shelterwithin them, like in a harbour where storms do not dare to enter....But look at _me_'--and she cast a pitiable glance at her poor, delicateframe, the haggard outlines of which were traceable beneath thecoverlet--'would it not sound ridiculous if I were to say anything ofthe sort? I, who am almost submerged in his arms, so small and weak amI,--I am only here to seek shelter; to give shelter is not in mypower.... Do you see; all this I have thought out in the long, darknights, and have grown more and more despondent. And in the mornings Iforced myself to laugh, and tried to pass for a sort of cheerful, happylittle bird, for this _role_, I thought to myself, is the most suitableone for you, and is most likely to please him; but song and laughterstuck in my throat, and I daresay he could see it too, for he smiledpitifully to it all, so that I felt doubly ashamed.'

  "She stopped exhausted, and hid her face in my dress, then shecontinued:

  "'And as that would not do, I tried at least to compensate him in otherways. You know that all my life I have toiled and moiled, but neverhave I worked so hard as in these three years. And when I felt myselfgrowing faint and my knees threatened to give way under me, the thoughtspurred me on again: "Show that at least you are of _some_ good to him;do not ever let him become conscious of how little he possesses inyou.... But of what avail is it all! My efforts are not the least good.Everything goes topsy-turvy all the same, as soon as ever I turn myback. I am constantly in terror lest one day my management should nolonger suffice him."'

  "Thus the poor creature lamented, and I felt positively frightened atso much misery.

  "'Listen, I have a favour to ask of you,' she begged at last, andclutched my hands; 'do try and sound him as to whether he is--issatisfied with me, and then come and tell me.'

  "I drew her to me; I lavished loving epithets upon her, and endeavouredto soothe away her fear and trouble. Eagerly she drank in every one ofmy words; her feverishly glowing eyes hung spellbound upon my lips, andfrom time to time a feeble sigh escaped her.

  "'Oh, if I had always had you near me!' she cried, stroking my hands.But then a fresh idea seemed to make her despondent again. I urged her,but she would not put it into words, until at length it came out withstuttering and stammering.

  "'You will do everything a thousand times better than I; you will showhim what he _might_ have had, and what he _has_. Through you he willfinally realise what a miserable creature I am.'

  "I was alarmed; then I felt plainly: my dream of possessing a home wasalready dreamed out. How could I remain in this place, when my ownsister was consuming herself with jealous anxiety on my account?

  "She felt herself that she had pained me; stretching up her thin armsto my neck, she said: 'You must not misunderstand me, Olga. What I feelis not jealousy; I am so little jealous, that I have no more ardentwish than that you two should become united after my death, and----'

  "'After your death!' I cried, in horror. 'Martha, you are sinningagainst yourself!'

  "She smiled in mournful resignation.

  "'I know that better than you.' she said. 'My vital strength has beenbroken for a long time. The long waiting in those days already undidme. Now, of course, I thought that with this birth all would be nicelyat an end, and that is why I longed so for you, because I wanted firstto arrange everything clearly between you two. But, however things mayturn out, it won't be long before I have to give in and die, and beforethen I want to feel sure that I am leaving him and the child in goodkeeping.'

  "I shuddered, and then a sudden lassitude came over me. I felt as if Imust throw myself down at the bedside and weep, and weep--weep my veryheart out. Then from the next room came the crying of the child, whichhad woke up and wanted its nurse. I drew a deep breath, and bethoughtmyself of the duty which was imposed upon me.

  "'Do you hear, Martha? 'I cried. 'You are ready to despair when Heavenhas bestowed on you the greatest blessing that a woman can know?Through your child you will raise yourself up anew; its young life willalso bring new strength to yours.'

  "Her eyes shone for an instant, then she sank back and smilingly closedher lids. The feeling of motherhood was the only one capable of wingingher hope.

  "Once more she opened her lips, and murmured something. I bent down toher, and asked: 'What is it, sister?'

  "'I should like to be of some use in the world,' she said with a sigh,and with this thought she fell asleep.

  "It had grown pitch dark when Robert entered the room. In sudden frightI started up. A feeling seized me as if I must hide away, and flee fromhim to the ends of the earth: 'He must not find you; he shall not findyou!' a voice within me cried. My cheeks were flaming, and a vague feararose in me lest their tell-tale glow might gleam through the darkness.

  "He approached the bed, listened for a while to Martha's quietbreathing, and then said softly: 'Come, Olga! You are tired; eatsomething, and go to rest, too.'

  "I should have liked to remonstrate, for I was afraid of being alonewith him; but in order not to wake my sleeping sister, I obeyedsilently.

  "The dining-room was a vast, whitewashed apartment, packed full ofold-fashioned furniture, which kept guard along the walls likecrouching giants. Under the hanging-lamp stood a table with two coverslaid.

  "'I let the household finish their
meal first,' said Robert, turningtowards me, 'for I did not want to bother you with strange faces.' Withthat he threw himself heavily into an arm-chair, rested his chin on hishand, and stared into the salt-cellar.

  "Why, you are not eating anything!' he said, after a while. I shook myhead. I could not for the life of me have swallowed a morsel, thoughhunger was gnawing at my entrails. The sight of him positivelyparalysed me.

  "Renewed silence.

  "'How do you find her?' he asked at length.

  "'I do not know,' said I, speaking by main force, 'whether I ought tobe pleased or anxious!'

  "'Why anxious?' he asked, quickly, and in his eyes there gleamed anindefinite fear.

  "'She tortures herself----'

  "A look of rapid understanding flew across to me, a look which said:'Do you also know that already? Then he raised his fist, stretchedhimself and sighed. His bushy hair had fallen over his forehead. Thebitter lines about his mouth grew deeper.

  "I was alarmed--alarmed at myself. Did not what I had just said soundlike an accusation against Martha; did it not provoke an accusationagainst her?

  "'She loves you much too much.' I replied, biting my lips. I knew Ishould pain him, and I meant to do so.

  "He started and looked at me for a while in open astonishment; then henodded several times to himself and said, 'You are right with yourreproach, she does love me much too much.'

  "Then I should already have liked to ask his forgiveness again. Surelyhe did not deserve my malice! His soul was pure and clear as thesunlight, and it was only within me that there was darkness. I felt asif I must choke with suppressed tears. I saw that I could not containmyself any longer, and rose quickly.

  "'Good-night, Robert.' I said, without giving him my hand; 'I amovertired--must go to bed--leave me--one of the servants will show memy way. Leave me--I tell you!'

  "I screamed out the last words as if in anger, so that he stoppedperturbed. In the cool, semi-obscure corridor I began to feel calmer.For a time I walked up and down breathing heavily, then I fetched oneof the maids to show me the way.

  "'Mistress arranged everything in the room herself yet, and gave ordersthat no one was to touch it. There is a letter, too, for you, miss.'

  "When I was alone, I held survey. My good, dear sister! She hadfaithfully remembered my slightest wishes, every one of my littlehabits of formerly, and had thought out everything that could make myroom as cosy and homely as possible. Nothing was wanting of the thingswhich I prized in those days. Over the bed hung a red-flowered curtainexactly like the one beneath the hangings of which I had dreamed myfirst girlish dreams; on the window-sill stood geraniums and cyclamen,such as I had always tended, on the walls hung the same pictures uponwhich my glance had been wont to rest at waking, on the shelves stoodthe same books from which my soul had derived its first food of love.

  "'Iphigenia,' which in those bright calm days had been my favouritepoem, lay open on the table. Ah, good heavens! how long it already wassince I had read in it, for how long already had I passed it by,because the calm dignity of the holy priestess pained my soul.

  "Between the leaves was placed the letter of which the girl had toldme. A gentle presentiment, a presentiment of new, undeserved love cameover me as I tore open the envelope and read:--

  "'My Darling Sister,--When you enter this room I shall not be able tobid you welcome. I shall then be lying ill, and perhaps even my lipswill be closed for ever. You will find everything as you used to haveit at home. It has been prepared for you a long time already everythingwas awaiting you. Whether sorrow or joy may attend you here, lie downto rest in peace and fall asleep with the consciousness that you haveentered your home. Try and learn to love Robert as he will learn tolove you. Then all must turn out well yet, whether God leaves me withyou or takes me to Himself.

  "'Your sister

  "'Martha.'

  "It was nothing new that she said to me here, and yet this touchinglysimple proof of her love took such powerful hold of me, that at thefirst moment I only had the one feeling, that I must rush to herbedside and confess to her how unworthy was the being to whom sheoffered the shelter of her heart and home.

  "For I was no longer in doubt: the ill-fated passion which I believed Ihad uprooted from my soul, had once more profusely sprung into growth;the wounds, healed up long ago, had opened anew at the first sight ofhim; I felt as if my warm blood were gushing out from them in streams.Hushing-up and concealment were no longer possible; the vague charm ofdawning impressions, the sweet abandon to the intoxication of youth,were things of the past; the bare, glaring light of matured knowledge,the rigid barriers of strict self-restraint had taken their place. Yes,I loved him, loved him with such ardour, such pain, as only a heart canlove which has been steeled by the glow of hatred and suffering. Andnot since to-day, not since yesterday! I had grown up with this love, Ihad clung to it in secret heart's desire, my whole being had derivedits strength from it, with it I stood and fell, in it lay my life andmy death.

  "What did I care whether he deserved it, whether he understood me! Hewas not intended to understand it. And not he, it was I who must gain aright to this love. I knew too well at this hour that I should never beable to banish it from my heart. The question was to submit to it, asone submits to eternal fate; but it must not become a sin. It shouldlive on purely, in a pure heart.

  "And surely I had not been called in vain to this house! A mission, agreat holy mission awaited me. Martha should perceive forthwith that abeneficent genius was watching over her home. Through me she shouldlearn actively to utilise the love by which she was consumed, for thegood of her loved one; through me her courage should be revived and hersoul receive new strength. How I would support and comfort her in darkdespondent hours! How I would force myself to laugh when a tearful moodtroubled the atmosphere! How I would banish the clouds from theirgloomy brows with daring jests, and anxiously take care that thereshould always remain a last little remnant of sunshine within thesewalls!

  "My life should pass away void of desire, happy only in the happinessof my loved ones, discreet, resigned and faithful. I need no longerseek to avoid Iphigenia's image, for the holy and dignified office ofpriestess was awaiting me also.

  "With this pious thought the revolt in my soul disappeared; with it Ifell asleep.

  "When I awoke on the first morning, I felt contented, almost happy, Aholy calm had come over me, such as I had not known since timeimmemorial. I knew that henceforth I should not have to fear evenmeeting _him_.

  "Martha was still asleep. When I looked through the chink of the doorinto her room, I saw her lying with her head thrown far back on thepillow, and heard her short heavy breathing.

  "I crept away, quite easy in my mind, to take up my office ashousekeeper forthwith.

  "'She shall no longer work herself to death,' I said to myself, andrejoiced in my heart. I spent fully an hour going the round of thepremises, during which I formally took the management into my hands.The old housekeeper showed herself willing, and the servants treated mewith respect. I should anyhow soon have enforced it for myself.

  "At the breakfast-table I met Robert. A slight palpitation, whichovercame me on entering, ceased forthwith when I bethought myself of myyesterday's vow. Calmly, firmly looking into his eyes, I stepped up tohim and gave him my hand.

  "'Is Martha still asleep?' I asked.

  "He shook his head. 'I have sent for the doctor.' he said, 'she haspassed a bad night--the excitement of seeing you again seems not tohave done her good.'

  "I felt somewhat alarmed; but my great resolve had so filled me withpeace and happiness, that I would not give way to fear.

  "'Will you help yourself?' I asked, 'I should meanwhile like to lookafter her.'

  "When I entered her room, I found her still lying in the same positionin which I had left her early in the morning, and as I approached thebed, I saw that she was staring up at the ceiling with wide-openedeyes.

>   "I called out her name in terror; then a feeble smile came over herface, and feebly she turned towards me and looked into my eyes.

  "'Are you not feeling well, Martha?'

  "She shook her head wearily, and drew up her fingers slightly. Thatmeant to say: 'Come and sit by me!'

  "And when I had taken her head in my arm a shudder suddenly ran throughher whole body. Her teeth chattered audibly: 'Give me a warm cover.'she whispered, 'I am shivering so.' I did as she bade me, and once moresat down at her side. She clutched my hands, as if to warm herself bythem.

  "'Have you slept well?' she asked, in the same hoarse falsetto voicewhich was quite strange to me in her. I nodded, and felt a hot sense ofshame burn within me. What was my grand unselfish resolve, comparedwith this sort of noble self-forgetfulness, which was evident in everyact, however great or small, and was inspired by the same love foreverything? And I even prided myself on my lofty sentiments, conceitedegotist that I was.

  "'How did you like the arrangement of your room?' she asked once more,while a gleam of slight playfulness broke from her mild, sad eyes.

  "In lieu of answer, I imprinted a grateful, humble kiss upon her lips.

  "'Yes, kiss me! Kiss me once more!' she said. 'Your mouth is so niceand hot, it warms one's body and soul through.' And again she shiveredwith cold.

  "A little later Robert came in.

  "'Get yourself ready, my child.' he said, stroking Martha's cheeks,'our uncle, the doctor, is here.'

  "Then he beckoned to me and I followed him out of the room. By thecradle of the new-born babe I found an old man, with a grey stubblybeard, a red snub nose, and a pair of clever, sharp eyes, with which heexamined me smilingly through his shining spectacles.

  "'So this is she?' he said, and gave me his hand. My blood rushed to myheart; at the first glance I saw that here was some one who felt as afriend towards me, in whom I might place implicit confidence.

  "'God grant that you have come at a good moment,' he continued, 'and weshall see at once if such is the case. Take me to her, Robert; I don'tsuppose it is so bad.'

  "I was left alone with the nurse and the child, which restlessly movedits little fists about.

  "'To your happiness also I will earn a claim.' I thought to myself, andstroked the round bare little head, on which a few hardly visible silkyhairs trembled. Yesterday I had hardly had a glance for the littlebeing, to-day, as I gazed at it, my heart swelled with unutterabletenderness. 'Thus much purer and better have you grown sinceyesterday.' I said to myself.

  "A long time, an alarmingly long time elapsed before the door of theadjoining room opened again. It was the doctor who came out from it--healone. He looked stern and forbidding, and his jaws were working as ifhe had something to grind between them.

  "'I have sent him away,' he said, 'must speak to you alone.' Thenhe took me by the hand and led me to the dining-room, where thecoffee-machine was still steaming.

  "'I have great respect for you, my young lady,' he began, and wiped thedrops of perspiration from his forehead; 'according to everything Ihave heard about you, you must be a capital fellow, and capable ofbearing the pain, if a certain cloven hoof gives you a treacherouskick.'

  "'Leave the preface, if you please, doctor.' said I, feeling how I grewpale.

  "'Very well! Prefaces are not to my taste either. Your sister'----andnow, after all, he hesitated.

  "'My sister--is--in--danger--doctor!' I had wished to prove myselfstrong, but my knees trembled under me. I clutched at the edge of thetable to keep myself from falling.

  "'That's right--courage--courage!' he muttered, laying his hand on myshoulder. 'It has come--this unwelcome guest--the fever; there is nogetting away from it any more.'

  "I bit my lips. He should not see me tremble. I had often enough heardof the danger of childbed fever, even if I could not form for myselfany idea of its terrors.

  "'Does Robert know?' that was the first thing that entered my mind.

  "He shrugged his shoulders and scratched his head. 'I was afraid hewould lose his head--I hardly told him half the truth.'

  "'And what is the _whole_ truth?' Standing up fully erect I looked intohis eyes.

  "He was silent.

  "'Will she die?'

  "When he found that from the first I was prepared to face the worst, hegave a sigh of relief. But I did not hear his reply, for after I had,apparently calmly, uttered the gruesome words, I suddenly saw once morebefore my eyes, with terrible vividness, that vision of my girlishdays, when I had found Martha lying like a corpse on the sofa. Ifelt as if the nails of a dead hand were digging themselves into mybreast--before my eyes I saw bloody streaks--I uttered a cry--then Ifelt as if a voice called out to me:--'Help, save, give your own lifeto preserve hers!' With a sudden jerk I pulled myself together; I hadonce more found my strength.

  "'Doctor,' I said, 'if she dies, I lose the only thing I possess in theworld, and lose myself with her. But as long as you can make use of meI will never flinch. Therefore conceal nothing from me. I must havecertainty.'

  "'Certainty, my dear child.' he replied, grasping my hands, 'certaintythere will not be till her convalescence or her last moments. Even atthe worst point there may always be a change for the better yet, howmuch more then now, when the illness is still in its first stage! Ofcourse she has not much vital strength left to stake--that is thesaddest part of it. But perhaps we shall succeed in mastering the evilat its commencement, and then everything would be won.'

  "'What can I do to help?' I cried, and stretched out my clasped handstowards him. 'Ask of me what you will! Even if I could only save herwith my own life, I should still have much to make amends for towardsher.'

  "He looked at me in astonishment. How should he have been able tounderstand me!

  * * * * *

  "And now I have come to the hardest part of my task. Since a week Ikeep sneaking round these pages, without venturing to take up my pen.Horror seizes me, when I consider _what_ is awaiting me. And yet itwill be salutary for me once more to recall to my memory those fearfulthree days and nights, especially now, when something of a softer,tenderer feeling seems to be taking root in my heart. Away with it!Away with every cajoling thought which speaks to me of happiness andpeace. I am destined for solitude and resignation, and if I should everforget this, the history of those three days shall once more remind meof it.

  * * * * *

  "When I pulled my chair up to my sister's bedside to take up my post asnurse, I found she had dropped off to sleep. But this was not the sleepwhich invigorates and prepares the way for convalescence; like anightmare it seemed to lie upon her and to press down her eyelids byforce. Her bosom rose and fell as if impelled from within and repelledfrom without. The little waxen-pale, blue-lined face lay half buried inthe pillows, across which her scanty fair plaits crept like smallsnakes. I covered my face with my hands. I could not bear the sight.

  "The hours of the day passed by ... She slept and slept and did notthink of waking up.

  "From time to time I heard the servants' footsteps as they softly creptpast outside--everything else was quiet and lonely. Of Robert no trace.

  "At mid-day I felt I must ask after him. They had seen him go out inthe morning into the fields, with his dogs following him. So for hourshe had been wandering about in the rain.

  "As the clock struck three he entered, streaming wet, with lustrelesseyes, and his damp unkempt hair matted on his forehead. He must havebeen suffering horribly. I was about to approach him, to say a word ofcomfort to him, but I did not dare to do so. The scared, gloomy lookwhich he cast towards me, said distinctly enough: 'What do you want ofme? Leave me alone with my sorrow.'

  "Clutching at one of the bed-posts he stood there, and stared down uponher while he gnawed his lips. Then he went out--silently, as he hadcome.

  "Again two hours passed in silence and waiting. The carbolic vapourswhich rose from the bowl before me began to make my head ache. I cooledmy bro
w at the window-panes, and unconsciously watched the play of thedead leaves as they were whirled up in little circles towards thewindow.

  "It already began to grow dark, when suddenly, outside in the corridor,was heard the lamenting and screaming of a female voice--so loud, thateven the sleeper started up painfully for a moment. An angry flush flewto my face. I was on the point of hurrying out in order to turn awaythis disturber of peace, but already at the opened door I came intocollision with her.

  "At the first glance I recognised this red, bloated face, these littlemalicious eyes. Who else could it have been but she, the best of allaunts and mothers?

  "'At length,' a voice within me cried--'at length I shall stand face toface with you!'

  "'So you are Olga,' she cried, always in the same shrill, whiningtones, which seemed to yell through the whole house. 'How do you do, mylittle dear? Ah, what a misfortune! Is it really true? I am quitebeside myself!'

  "'I beg of you, dear aunt,' said I, folding my arms, 'to be besideyourself somewhere else, but to modify your voice in the sick room.'

  "She stopped short. In all my life I shall never forget the venomouslook which she gave me.

  "But now she knew with whom she had to deal. She took up the gauntletat once too. 'It is very good of you, my child,' she said, and hervoice suddenly sounded as metallic as a war-trumpet, 'that you are soanxious about my poor, ailing daughter; but now you can go--you havebecome superfluous; I shall stay here myself.'

  "'Wait; you shall soon know that you have found your match.' I inwardlycried; and, drawing myself up to my full height, I replied, with mymost freezing smile: 'You are mistaken, dear aunt; every _stranger_ hasbeen strictly prohibited from visiting my sister. So I must beg of youto withdraw to the next room.'

  "Her face grew ashy pale, her fingers twitched convulsively, I thinkshe could have strangled me on the spot; but she went, and good,lackadaisical uncle, who was always dangling three paces behind her,went with her.

  "In sheer triumph I laughed out loud: 'What should you want, youmercenary souls, in this temple of pain? Out with you!'

  * * * * *

  "It grew night. Like a streak of fire the last red rays of the settingsun lay over the town, the towers of which stood out black and pointedin the glow. For a long time I watched the fiery clouds, till darknesshad buried them also in its lap.

  "The clock struck nine. Then the old doctor came. He sat for a longtime in silence on my chair, stroked my hand at parting, and said:'Continue--carbolic--all night!' In answer to my anxiously questioninglook, he had nothing but a doubtful shrug of the shoulders.

  "From somewhere, two or three rooms away, I heard Robert's voicetalking at the old man. This was the first sign that he too was in theproximity of the sick-bed. 'Why ever does he stay outside?' I askedmyself; 'it really almost seems as if admission were prohibited.'

  "The clock struck ten. Silence all around. The household seemed gone torest.

  "The wind rattled at the garden railings. It sounded as if some lateguest wished to enter. Was death already creeping round the house? Washe already counting the grains of sand in his hour-glass?

  "Desperate defiance seized me. Without knowing what I did, I rushedtowards the door, as if to throw myself in the path of the threateningdemon.

  "Ill-fated creature, I, that I did not suspect what other demon satlurking in front of that one, on the threshold!

  "A few minutes later Robert entered. Not a word, not a greeting--againonly that swift, scared look which once already had cut me to thequick. With his heavy, swaying gait he walked up to the bedside,grasped her hand--that hot, wasted hand, with its bluish nails--andstared down upon it. And then he sat down in the darkest corner, behindthe stove, and crouched there for two long, long hours.

  "With beating heart I waited for him to address me, but he was assilent as before.

  "Soon after midnight he left the room. For a long time yet I heard himwalking up and down outside in the corridor, and, at the muffled soundof his tramping footsteps, another night came into my mind, when I hadlistened, no less trembling in fear and hope, to the same sound. Worldslay between then and now, and the young, foolish creature who had thenhearkened out into the darkness, burning with the desire to help and tosacrifice herself, now appeared to me like a strange, radiant beingfrom some distant, shining planet.

  "The footsteps grew less distinct. He had gone back to his room.

  "'Will he return again?' I asked myself, putting my ear to the keyhole.'In any case he cannot sleep.' And I started joyfully when the soundonce more increased.

  "And then the thought came to me, 'What concern is it of yours whetherhe returns or not? Are you here in this place for his sake? Is not yourhappiness, your life, your all, lying here before you?'

  "I fell down by the bedside, and, covering Martha's hands with kisses,I implored her to have mercy--that I wanted to speak to her--that itwas bursting my heart-strings--that it was stifling me--that I shouldsuffocate.

  "But she did not wake. Doubled up with pain she lay there, a miserablelittle heap of bones. On her cheek-bones were little flaming spots. Herbreath panted. Once she moved her lips as if to speak, but the wordsdied away in a toneless gurgling.

  "What a terrible silence all around! The clock ticked, along the wallby the casement the wind passed softly moaning, and from the other roomsounded the muffled tramp of the wanderer--all else still.

  "And suddenly it seemed to me as if in this stillness I heard the bloodin my own body seething and boiling. I listened. Evidently that was myblood rushing wildly through my veins.

  "'Why is its flow not quiet and well-behaved,' I asked myself, 'inaccordance with my great resolve? Is not this sin torn out with all itsroots--burnt out by a thousand purifying fires? Do I not stand here asthe priestess, void of desire, pure and blessed?'

  "And again I listened! These are hallucinations, I told myself, and yetI grew afraid at the gushing and rushing, which seemed to increase withevery minute. I saw a stream which carried me away in its torrents--astream of blood! A rock with sheer points jutted out from it. Thereon aword stood written with flaming letters, the word 'Bloodguiltiness.'

  "The footsteps grew louder. I jumped up.... He came, seated himself onthe pillow, wiped the perspiration from her forehead with the flat ofhis hand, and passed his fingers through her hair.

  "Stealthily I watched him. I hardly dared to breathe any more. His eyesgleamed bloodshot in their sockets. His lips were pressed together inbitter reproach. He sat there as if petrified with unuttered pain. Thedesire to approach him shook me like a fit of ague. But when I was onthe point of rising, it was as if two iron fists laid themselves uponmy shoulders and forced me back on to my chair.

  "At length I spoke his name, and was startled, so strange, so weird didthe sound of my own voice appear to me. He turned round and stared atme.

  "'Robert,' I said, 'why do you not speak to me? You will feel easier ifyou let some one else share what is oppressing you.'

  "Then he jumped up and grasped both my hands. His touch made me feelhot and cold all over. But I forced myself to keep my ground, andfirmly looked into his face.

  "'That is the first good word that you have vouchsafed me, Olga.' hesaid.

  "'What do you mean by that, Robert?' I stammered. 'Have I been unkindtowards you?'

  "'Only unkind?' he replied. 'Like a stranger, like an intruder you havetreated me, and have driven me from the bedside of my wife.'

  "'Heaven forbid!' I cry, and free myself from him, for I feel I amabout to sink upon his breast.

  "And he continues, 'Olga, if ever I did you any wrong--I know not what,but it must be so, else your look and manner would not be so stern andforbidding towards me--if I did you any wrong, Olga, it was not myfault. I always meant well towards you. I have--you might always havebeen here like at home; you need never have gone among strangers; andin the presence of that one whom we both love----'

  "Why must he mention her name to me? A wild joy
had flamed up withinme; I felt as if I had wings; then her name struck me like the cut of awhip. I bit my lips till they bled. Indeed I would be calm, would actthe guardian angel.

  "'Robert,' said I, 'you have been gravely mistaken about me. I neverbore you any ill-will. Only I have grown reserved and defiant amongstrangers. You must have patience with me--must trust me. Will you?'

  "Then it broke from his eyes like sunshine. 'I have so much to thankyou for already, Olga,' he said; 'how could I do otherwise thancontinue to trust you? You know, since that day when we rode togetherinto the wood, do you remember?'--ah, did I remember indeed!--'sincethat day I have loved you like a sister, yes, more than all my sisters.And at the same time I looked up to you and revered you like myguardian spirit. That is indeed what you have been to me. You will beso in future, too, won't you?'

  "I nodded silently, and pressed both my hands to my bosom; then, whenhe noticed it, I let them drop, but I staggered back three paces; itwas a miracle that I kept myself upright.

  "He stepped up to me in alarm. 'I am tired,' I said, and forced myselfto smile. 'Come, we will sit down; the night is long yet.'

  "So we both sat opposite each other at the foot of the bed, with thenarrow bedstead between us, rested our arms on the ledge, and lookedacross at Martha's face, which moved with cramp-like twitchings. Hereyelids seemed closed, deep shadows from her lashes fell across hercheeks; but, on bending down, one could see the whites of the eyesgleaming with a faint sheen, like mother-of-pearl, in their darksockets. He observed it too.

  "'As if she had already died,' he murmured, and buried his head in hishands. 'And if she dies,' he continued, 'she will not die through thechild, not through this wretched fever; through my fault alone, Olga,she will perish!'

  "'For God's sake, what are you saying?' I cried, stretching out my armstowards him.

  "He nodded and smiled bitterly.

  "'I have seen it very well, Olga, all through these three years; overand over again it is my fault. First, I left her longing and fearingbetween hope and despair for seven long years, till the strength wasdrained in this way from her body and soul--heaven knows she never hadmuch to spare; and then I dragged her with her sickly body and brokenspirit here into this misery, where all were hostile to her, and thosemost hostile who should have held her most dear. And I myself!--yes, ifI myself had been brave and of good cheer, if I could have guarded herthat her foot might not dash against any stone, if I had spreadsunshine across her path, then perhaps she might have flourished at myside. But I was often rough and surly, stormed and raged in the houseand the farm, never thinking how every loud word made her start, sothat she already grew pale if I only frowned. Look at this littlehandful of life, how it lies here; and then look at me, the great,uncouth, coarse-grained giant! Sometimes in the night when I woke, Iwas afraid lest I might possibly crush her in my arms. And, after all,I have crushed her! What I required was a wife, strong and----'

  "He stopped short, terrified, and cast a glance, which eloquentlypleaded for forgiveness, towards Martha's face, but I completed hissentence for myself.

  "When he had left the room a wild feeling of joy seized me. It rushedthrough my head like a whirlwind; it confused my senses; my pride, mydefiance, my self-respect, everything seemed to be swallowed up in it.

  "The atmosphere of the sick room lay heavily upon me, like asuffocating cloth. My brain was burning with the carbolic vapours whichrose up from the bowl in front of me. My breath began to fail me.

  "I fled to the window, and pressing my forehead against the sash, Idrank in the cold night air which found its way into the room throughthe chinks. Morning dawned through the curtains--cold-grey--envelopedin fog.... Faintly gleaming clouds slowly heaved upwards on the horizonand threw a fallow sheen over the dripping trees, which seemed to havegrown still more bare overnight.

  "What a night!

  "And how many, worse than this one, are about to follow? What phantoms,begotten of darkness, born in horror, will rise up before my feveredsenses as the nights come on?

  "Shivering, I crept into a corner. I was afraid of myself.

  "The hours of the morning passed away, and by degrees I grew calmer.The memory of this night, with its feverish turmoil and pangs ofconscience, waxed dim. What I had experienced and felt became a dream,A leaden weariness took possession of me; I closed my eyes and thoughtabout nothing.

  "And then came a blissful hour. It was towards ten o'clock when Marthasuddenly opened her faithful blue eyes and looked up at me consciouslyand brightly.

  "I felt as if God's eye had turned, full of pity and forgiveness,towards me, the sinner. A pure, holy joy streamed through me. I fellacross my sister's body, and hid my face at her neck.

  "In the midst of her pain she began to smile, with an effort placed herhand upon my head, and murmured, with hardly audible voice, 'I supposeI have been giving you all a great fright?'

  "The breath of her words enveloped me like a peace-bringing chant, andfor a moment I felt as if the burden at my heart must give way--but Iwas unable to weep.

  "'How do you feel?' I asked.

  "'Well, quite well!' she replied, 'only the sheet weighs so heavilyupon me!'

  "It was the lightest I had been able to find. I told her so; then shesighed and said she knew she was a fidget, and I was to have patiencewith her.

  "And then she lay again quite still, and constantly looked at me as ifin a dream. At length she nodded several times and remarked: 'It iswell thus--quite well!'

  "'What is well?" I asked.

  "Then she smiled again and was silent. And then the pains returned. Sheshook all over and clenched her teeth, but she did not utter acomplaint.

  "'Shall I call for Robert?' I asked, for terror overwhelmed me anew.

  "She nodded. 'And bring the child too,' she murmured.

  "I did as she had bid. She had the little creature laid on the bedbeside her, and looked down at it for a long time. She also made anattempt to kiss it, but she was too weak to do so.

  "Even before Robert came she had relapsed into her sleep.

  "He gave me a reproachful look, and remarked, 'Why did you not send forme sooner?'

  "'Believe me, it is better thus,' I answered, 'it would have excitedher too much to see you.'

  "'You always seem to know what is best,' said he, and went out,fortunately without noticing the glow which suffused my face at hispraise.

  "Now she lay there again unconscious--her cheeks red, and her foreheadwet with perspiration. And added to that, the gruesome play of herlips! They kept on twitching and smacking.

  "Towards one o'clock the doctor came, took her temperature, andcertified a diminution of fever.

  "'That will go up and down many a time yet,' he said; nor did he enterinto our joy over her awakening. 'Do not speak to her when she regainsconsciousness,' he urged, 'and above all, do not allow her to speakherself. She needs every atom of her strength.'

  "Before he left, he fixed his eyes on me for a long time, and shook hishead doubtfully. I felt how the consciousness of guilt drove the bloodto my cheeks. It was as if he could look me through and through.

  "... In the afternoon I had fetched myself a book from my room, thefirst I happened to lay my hands upon and tried to read in it; but theletters danced before my eyes, and my head buzzed as if it were full ofbats.

  "It was a long time before I could even make out the title. I read'Iphigenia.' Then, seized by sudden terror, I flung the book far awayfrom me into a corner, as if I had held a burning coal in my hand.Towards evening Martha's pains seemed to grow more intense. Severaltimes she cried out loud and writhed as if in a cramp.

  "While I was busying myself about her, during an attack of this sort,the old woman suddenly stood at my side. And as I looked at her withher venomous glance, with her studied wringing of hands, and thehypocritical droop of her mouth, the thought suddenly came to me--

  "'Here is one--who is waiting for Martha's death--who is wishing forit.'

  "My eyesight seemed dimmed
by a red veil, I clenched my fists--I allbut flung the accusation in her face. And as I stood in front of her,still quite petrified by the thought, she took hold of my arm, andtried, without much ado, to push me aside, so that she might plantherself at Martha's pillow. Perhaps she hoped to intimidate me by thisunceremonious proceeding.

  "'Dear aunt.' said I, removing her hand from my arm, 'I have pointedout to you before already that this is my place, and that no one in theworld shall dispute it with me. I urgently beg of you to restrict yourvisit to the other rooms.'

  "'Indeed? We will just wait and see, my little one,' she screeched, 'wewill just ask the master of the house, who has more to say here, hisgood old mother, or you, vagabond Polish crew?'

  "And still screeching, she departed.

  "In a very fever of rage I paced the room. Even I should not haveimagined that this sorrowing mother could so quickly and thoroughlychange back again into a fury. It only remained for her to giveexpression to her innermost wishes.

  "'Oh, if it should be true.' I cried, and horror possessed me. 'To wishfor Martha's death! Martha, do you hear, to wish for your death! Whomhave you ever hurt? In whose way have you ever stood? Who lives in theworld who has ever received aught but love and forgiveness from you? Ifit were true, if any human being should really be so depraved, andstill wander upon earth with impunity--verily, it would make onedespair of God and of everything good.'

  "Thus I spoke and could not heap enough shame and contumely upon theold woman's head.

  "And then it struck me that I had been talking myself into a mostunworthy passion.

  "But I felt easier through it, I dared to breathe more freely, and whenI saw poor, ill-treated 'Iphigenia' lying in the dust, I went andpicked it up.

  "'What crime have I, after all, committed?' I said to myself, 'that Ishould need to hide away from my ideal? Have I done anything but bringcomfort to one in despair? Has a single look, a single word beenexchanged, which my sister might not have seen and heard? If it seethesand burns in my breast, what concern is that of any one, as long as Ikeep it carefully to myself?'

  "Thus I spoke to myself, and considered myself almost justified, evenbefore my own conscience. Blind creature that I was!

  * * * * *

  "And once more the gloaming came, once more the setting sun cast itsred light through the windows.

  "Martha's face was bathed in a purple glow, in her hair little lightssparkled, and the hand that lay on the coverlet looked as thoughillumined from within.

  "I drew the bed-screen closer around her, so that the flimmering raysshould not trouble her.

  "Then I saw hanging on the wall a withered ivy wreath, which I had notnoticed before, a wreath such as I was wont to send on specialoccasions for our parents' graves. Perhaps that was where this one,too, came from. At the present moment it appeared as if woven offlames, everything about it lived phantastically. And when I lookedmore closely, it even seemed to me as if it began to revolve, and toemit a cascade of sparks, like a real wheel of fire.

  "'Dear me, now you are already beginning to see visions,' I said tomyself, and tried to gain new strength by pacing up and down. But Ifelt so dizzy, that I was obliged to hold on to the chairs--I gaspedfor breath.

  "Oh, this smell of carbolic--this sickly-sweet odour! It enveloped mysenses, it dimmed my thoughts, it spread a presentiment of death andterror all around.

  "Then the old doctor came, looked keenly into my face, and ordered mein his fatherly, gruff manner to go forthwith into the open and getsome fresh air. He himself would watch till I returned. And in spite ofmy remonstrance he pushed me out of the door.

  "If I could have guessed what was awaiting me, no power on earth wouldhave moved me to cross the threshold!

  "Now I drew a deep breath as I stepped out into the courtyard. Theevening air refreshed me like a cooling bath. The last gleam ofdaylight was vanishing, and veiled in bluish vapours the autumn nightsank down upon the earth.

  "The two hunting dogs sprang towards me, and then raced off towards theold castle ruins.

  "Unconsciously I followed in their track, walking half in my sleep, forthe atmosphere of the sick room was still acting upon my senses.

  "A mouldering scent of fading weeds and weather-beaten stones waftedtowards me from the brickwork. An old porch spread its arch over me. Istepped into the interior. The walls towered up black all round me, thedark sky looked down upon them with its bluish lights.

  "Then not far from me I saw a dark figure, the outlines of which Irecognised at once, crouching among the loose stones.

  "'Robert!' I call out, astonished.

  "He jumped up. 'Olga?' he cried in answer. 'Do you bring bad news?'

  "'Not so.' say I, 'your uncle, the doctor, sent me out, and----' thensuddenly I feel as if the ground were giving way beneath my feet.

  "'Take care!' I hear his warning voice, but already I am sinking,together with the crumbling stones, about a man's length down into thedarkness.

  "'For Heaven's sake, do not stir!' he shouts after me, 'else you willfall still further down.'

  "Half-dazed, I lean against the side of the pit. At my feet gleams anarrow strip of earth, on which I am standing; beyond that it goes downinto black, unfathomable depths.

  "I see him near me, climbing down after me slowly and carefully on thesteps of a flight of stairs as it seems.

  "'Where are you?' he shouts, and at the same I feel his hand gropingfor me.

  "Then I throw myself towards him, and cling to his neck. At the samemoment I feel myself lifted high up and resting upon his breast. Itappeared to me as if my veins had been opened, as if in delightfullassitude I felt my warm life's blood flowing away over me.

  "His breath wafted hotly into my face. For a moment it seemed to me asif he had softly kissed my forehead.... Then we returned to the manorhouse without speaking. I moved away from his side as far as I could,but in my heart was the jubilant thought, 'He has held me in his arms.'

  "On the threshold of the sick room the old physician came towards us,gave us both his hands and said, 'She is keeping up better, children,than I had expected.'

  "Within my heart was rejoicing, 'He has held me in his arms.'

  * * * * *

  "And now that night! Even now every minute stands up like a fury beforeme, and glares at me with fiery eyes! That night will I conjure up asone calls up spirits from the grave, that their witness may animateanew long forgotten bloodguiltiness! What crime did I commit? _None_.My hands are clean. And on that great morning, when our works shall betried in the balance, I might fearlessly step up to the Throne of theMost High and say, 'Clothe me in the whitest raiment, fasten upon myshoulders the most delicate pair of swan's wings, and let me sit in thefront row, for I have a good voice, which only requires a certainamount of practice to do honour to Paradise!' But there are crimes,unaccomplished, unuttered, which penetrate the soul like the breath ofinfection, and poison it in its very essence, till the body tooperishes under its influence.

  "It was a night almost like the present one. The moist autumn windswept past the house in short gusts, and caught itself in the halfleafless crests of the poplars, which bowed towards each other andentwined amid creaking and rustling. Not a star was in the sky; but anundefinable gleaming brought into notice dark masses of torn clouds,which sped along as if in rags. The nightlight would not burn; itsflickering flame struggled with the shadows which danced incessantlyover the bed and the walls. The ivy wreath hung opposite me, lookingblack and jagged like a crown of thorns.

  "It was about ten o'clock when Martha commenced to be delirious.

  "She raised herself up in bed and said in a clear, audible voice, 'Imust really get up now--it is too bad!'

  "At first joy suffused my face, for I thought she had regainedconsciousness. 'Martha!' I jumped up and grasped her hand.

  "'I have put everything out in readiness--shirts and stockings andshoes, so that a blind man could find them in hi
s sleep. And you neednot take any measurements either--make no compliments--make nocompliments.' And all the time she stared at me with glassy eyes, as ifshe saw a ghost; then suddenly she uttered a piercing shriek and cried,'Roll the stones away from my body they are crushing me. Why have youburied me under stones?'

  "I took the thinnest sheet I could find and spread it over her in placeof the coverlet; but even that brought her no relief. She screamed andtalked incessantly, and between whiles she muttered eagerly to herself,like one who is learning something off by heart.

  "Like this an hour must have passed. I sat in front of my table andstared at her; for I was in a ferment of terror lest any moment mightbring some new, still more horrible development. From time to time,when she calmed down a little, I felt my limbs relax; then I closed myeyes and let myself sink back, and each time I had the sensation as ifI were sinking into Robert's arms. But there hardly remained even adull feeling, as if I were thereby committing any wrong; my wearinesswas too intense. I also had a sensation as if bubbles were bursting inmy head, and roses opening out and always putting forth new wreaths ofblossoms; then again there was a hissing sound from one ear to theother, as if some one had run a fuse right through my head and lightedit.

  "In this condition of nervous over-excitement, tossed hither andthither between terrified starting up and relaxation, Robert found me,when, towards midnight, he entered the room. He had intended to liedown on his bed for a short time, and then to watch for the rest of thenight together with me; but Martha's screams had scared him too.

  "When I saw him, all my exhaustion was as if wiped away; I felt how anew stream of blood shot through my body, and I jumped up to go towardshim.

  "'Try to rest a little.' he said, looking down at me with tired,swollen eyes; 'you will require all your strength.'

  "I shook my head and pointed to my sister, who was just flinging herhands about, as if in her delirium she were trying to tear me from hisside.

  "'You are right,' he continued. 'Who could be calm enough to rest withthis picture before his eyes.' And then he planted himself with claspedhands in front of the bed, bent down towards her and imprinted a softkiss upon her wax-like forehead.

  "'That is how he kissed me too!' a voice within me cried.

  "Thereupon he sat down at the foot of the bed, so close to my chairthat the arm which he rested upon the slab of the table almost touchedmy shoulder.

  "With the gloomy brooding of despair he stared across at her.

  "'Come to yourself, Robert!' I whispered to him, 'all may be well yet.'

  "He laughed grimly. 'What do you mean by "well"?' he cried; 'that sheshould remain alive and drag herself about with her sickly frame andcrushed spirit, as a burden to herself and to others? Do you not knowthat these are the alternatives between which we have to choose?'

  "A cold shudder ran through my very marrow. But at the same time I feltas if the walls were giving way and an unbounded, shining vista openingout before me.

  "'Were you not going to be a priestess in this house?' a warning voicewithin me remonstrated, but its sounds were deadened by the surging ofmy blood.

  "'What is the use of struggling against fate?' he continued; 'I havelong since learnt to submit quietly when blow after blow falls downupon me from above. I have become a miserable, weak-minded fellow. Ihave allowed fate to bind me hand and foot, and now, even if I struggletill the blood spurts from my joints, it is no good! I am powerless andshall remain so, and there's an end of it! But I do not care to talkmyself into a passion. Such helpless rage is more contemptible thanhypocritical submission.'

  "A desire darted through me to throw myself down in front of him, andto cry out to him, 'Do with me what you will: sacrifice me, tread meunder-foot, let me die for you; but be brave and have new faith in yourhappiness----' then suddenly a moan from Martha's lips struck upon myears, so plaintive, so pitiable that I started as if struck by the lashof a whip.

  "I felt ready to scream, but fear of him choked my utterance--only agroan escaped my breast, which I forcibly suppressed, when I noticedhow anxiously he was looking into my eyes.

  "'Take no heed of me!' I said, forcing myself to smile; 'the chiefthing is for her to get better.'

  "He crossed his arms over his knee and nodded a few times bitterly tohimself. And then again the moaning ceased.

  "She had bowed her head upon her breast, and half closed her eyes. Onemight almost have thought her asleep; but the muttering and chatteringcontinued. There was utter silence in the half-darkened room. Only thewind sped past the window with low soughing, and between the planks ofthe ceiling the mice scampered about.

  "Robert had buried his head in his hands, and was listening to Martha'sweird talking. Gradually he seemed to grow quieter, his breath camemore regularly and slowly, now and again his head dropped to one side,and next moment jerked up again.

  "His sleepiness had overpowered him. I wanted to urge him to go torest; but I was afraid of the sound of my own voice, and therefore wassilent.

  "More and more often did the upper part of his body sway to one side,now and again his hair touched my cheek--and he groped about seeking tofind some support.

  "And then, suddenly, his head fell upon my shoulder, where it remainedlying. My whole body trembled as if I had experienced some greathappiness.

  "'An invincible desire possessed me to stroke the bushy hair that fellacross my face. Close to my eyes I saw a few silver threads gleaming.

  "'It is already beginning to get grey,' I thought to myself, 'it ishigh time that he should taste what happiness is like.' And then Ireally stroked him.

  "He sighed in his sleep and sought to nestle closer with his head.

  "'He is lying uncomfortably.' I said to myself; 'you must move upnearer to him.'

  "I did so. His shoulder leant against mine, and his head fell upon mybreast.

  "'You must put your arm round him,' a voice within me cried, 'otherwisehe will still not find rest.'

  "Twice or three times I attempted, and as often I drew back.

  "What if Martha should suddenly wake! But even then her eyes sawnothing--her ears heard nothing.

  "And I did it.

  "Then a wild joy seized me: secretly I pressed him to me--and within methere arose the jubilant thought: 'Ah, how I would care for you andwatch over you; how I would kiss those wicked furrows away from yourbrow, and the troubles from your soul! How I would fight for you withmy virgin strength and never rest till your eyes were once more glad,and your heart once more full of sunshine! But for that----I lookedacross at Martha. Yes, she lived, she still lived. Her bosom rose andfell in short, rapid gasps. She seemed more alive than ever.

  "And suddenly it flamed up before me, and the words seemed as if I sawthem distinctly written over there on the wall--

  "'_Oh, that she might die!_'

  "Yes, that was it, that was it.

  "Oh, that she might die! Oh, that she might die!"