But I didn't say anything.
And then she said, “I think someone's out there on the platform looking for you.”
But I carried on not saying anything.
And she said, “Well, it's your lookout,” and she went away.
And then 3 other people walked past and one of them was a black man in a long white dress and he put a big parcel on the shelf above my head but he didn't see me.
And then the train started going again.
199. People believe in God because the world is very complicated and they think it is very unlikely that anything as complicated as a flying squirrel or the human eye or a brain could happen by chance. But they should think logically and if they thought logically they would see that they can only ask this question because it has already happened and they exist. And there are billions of planets where there is no life, but there is no one on those planets with brains to notice. And it is like if everyone in the world was tossing coins eventually someone would get 5,698 heads in a row and they would think they were very special. But they wouldn't be because there would be millions of people who didn't get 5,698 heads.
And there is life on earth because of an accident. But it is a very special kind of accident. And for this accident to happen in this special way, there have to be 3 conditions. And these are
1. Things have to make copies of themselves (this is called Replication)
2. They have to make small mistakes when they do this (this is called Mutation)
3. These mistakes have to be the same in their copies (this is called Heritability)
And these conditions are very rare, but they are possible, and they cause life. And it just happens. But it doesn't have to end up with rhinoceroses and human beings and whales. It could end up with anything.
And, for example, some people say how can an eye happen by accident? Because an eye has to evolve from something else very like an eye and it doesn't just happen because of a genetic mistake, and what is the use of half an eye? But half an eye is very useful because half an eye means that an animal can see half of an animal that wants to eat it and get out of the way, and it will eat the animal that only has a third of an eye or 49% of an eye instead because it hasn't got out of the way quick enough, and the animal that is eaten won't have babies because it is dead. And 1% of an eye is better than no eye.
And people who believe in God think God has put human beings on the earth because they think human beings are the best animal, but human beings are just an animal and they will evolve into another animal, and that animal will be cleverer and it will put human beings into a zoo, like we put chimpanzees and gorillas into a zoo. Or human beings will all catch a disease and die out or they will make too much pollution and kill themselves, and then there will only be insects in the world and they will be the best animal.
211. Then I wondered whether I should have got off the train because it had just stopped at London, and I was scared because if the train went anywhere else it would be somewhere where I didn't know anybody.
And then somebody went to the toilet and then they came out again, but they didn't see me. And I could smell their poo, and it was different from the smell of the poo that I smelled in the toilet when I went in there.
And then I closed my eyes and did some more maths puzzles so I didn't think about where I was going.
And then the train stopped again, and I thought about getting off the shelf and going to get my bag and get off the train. But I didn't want to be found by the policeman and be taken to Father, so I stayed on the shelf and didn't move, and no one saw me this time.
And then I remembered that there was a map on the wall of one of the classrooms at school, and it was a map of England and Scotland and Wales and it showed you where all the towns were and I pictured it in my head with Swindon and London on it, and it was like this in my head
And I had been looking at my watch since the train had started at 12:59 p.m. And the first stop had been at 1:16 p.m., which was 17 minutes later. And it was now 1:39 p.m., which was 23 minutes after the stop, which meant that we would be at the sea if the train didn't go in a big curve. But I didn't know if it went in a big curve.
And then there were another 4 stops and 4 people came and took bags away from the shelves and 2 people put bags on the shelves, but no one moved the big suitcase that was in front of me and only one person saw me and they said, “You are fucking weird, mate,” and that was a man in a suit. And 6 people went to the toilet but they didn't do poos that I could smell, which was good.
And then the train stopped and a lady with a yellow waterproof coat came and took the big suitcase away and she said, “Have you touched this?”
And I said, “Yes.”
And then she went away.
And then a man stood next to the shelf and said, “Come and look at this, Barry. They've got, like, a train elf.”
And another man came and stood next to him and said, “Well, we have both been drinking.”
And the first man said, “Perhaps we should feed him some nuts.”
And the second man said, “You're the one who's bloody nuts.”
And the first one said, “Come on, shift it, you daft cunt. I need more beers before I sober up.”
And then they went away.
And then the train was really quiet and it didn't move again and I couldn't hear anyone. So I decided to get off the shelf and go and get my bag and see if the policeman was still sitting in his seat.
So I got off the shelf and I looked through the door, but the policeman wasn't there. And my bag had gone as well, which had Toby's food in it and my maths books and my clean pants and vest and shirt and the orange juice and the milk and the custard creams and the baked beans.
And then I heard the sound of feet and I turned round and it was another policeman, not the one who was on the train before, and I could see him through the door, in the next carriage, and he was looking under the seats. And I decided that I didn't like policemen so much anymore, so I got off the train.
And when I saw how big the room was that the train was in and I heard how noisy and echoey it was, I had to kneel down on the ground for a bit because I thought I was going to fall over. And when I was kneeling on the ground I worked out which way to walk, and I decided to walk in the direction the train was going when it came into the station because if this was the last stop, that was the direction London was in.
So I stood up and I imagined that there was a big red line on the ground which ran parallel to the train to the gate at the far end and I walked along it and I said, “Left, right, left, right . . .” again, like before.
And when I got to the gate a man said to me, “I think someone's looking for you, sonny.”
And I said, “Who's looking for me?” because I thought it might be Mother and the policeman in Swindon had phoned her up with the phone number I told him.
But he said, “A policeman.”
And I said, “I know.”
And he said, “Oh. Right.” And then he said, “You wait here, then, and I'll go and tell them,” and he walked back down the side of the train.
So I carried on walking. And I could still feel the feeling like a balloon inside my chest and it hurt and I covered my ears with my hands and I went and stood against the wall of a little shop which said Hotel and Theatre Reservations Tel: 0207 402 5164 in the middle of the big room and then I took my hands away from my ears and I groaned to block out the noise and I looked round the big room at all the signs to see if this was London. And the signs said
But after a few seconds they looked like this
because there were too many and my brain wasn't working properly and this frightened me so I closed my eyes again and I counted slowly to 50 but without doing the cubes. And I stood there and I opened my Swiss Army knife in my pocket to make me feel safe and I held on to it tight.
And then I made my hand into a little tube with my fingers and I opened my eyes and I looked through the tube so that I was
only looking at one sign at a time and after a long time I saw a sign that said and it was above a window on a little shop.
And a man came up to me and he was wearing a blue jacket and blue trousers and he had brown shoes and he was carrying a book in his hand and he said, “You look lost.”
So I took out my Swiss Army knife.
And he said, “Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa,” and held up both his hands with his fingers stretched out in a fan, like he wanted me to stretch my fingers out in a fan and touch his fingers because he wanted to say he loved me, but he did it with both hands, not one like Father and Mother, and I didn't know who he was.
And then he walked away backward.
So I went to the shop that said and I could feel my heart beating very hard and I could hear a noise like the sea in my ears. And when I got to the window I said, “Is this London?” but there was no one behind the window.
And then someone sat behind the window and she was a lady and she was black and she had long fingernails which were painted pink and I said, “Is this London?”
And she said, “Sure is, honey.”
And I said, “Is this London?”
And she said, “Indeed it is.”
And I said, “How do I get to 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG?”
And she said, “Where is that?”
And I said, “It's 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG. And sometimes you can write it 451c Chapter Road, Willesden, London NW2 5NG.”
And the lady said to me, “Take the tube to Willesden Junction, honey. Or Willesden Green. Got to be near there somewhere.”
And I said, “What sort of tube?”
And she said, “Are you for real?”
And I didn't say anything.
And she said, “Over there. See that big staircase with the escalators? See the sign? Says Underground. Take the Bakerloo Line to Willesden Junction or the Jubilee to Willesden Green. You OK, honey?”
And I looked where she was pointing and there was a big staircase going down into the ground and there was a big sign over the top of it like this
And I thought, “I can do this,” because I was doing really well and I was in London and I would find my mother. And I had to think to myself, “The people are like cows in a field,” and I just had to look in front of me all the time and make a red line along the floor in the picture of the big room in my head and follow it.
And I walked across the big room to the escalators. And I kept hold of my Swiss Army knife in my pocket and I held on to Toby in my other pocket to make sure he didn't escape.
And the escalators was a staircase but it was moving and people stepped onto it and it carried them down and up and it made me laugh because I hadn't been on one before and it was like something in a science fiction film about the future. But I didn't want to use it so I went down the stairs instead.
And then I was in a smaller room underground and there were lots of people and there were pillars which had blue lights in the ground around the bottom of them and I liked these but I didn't like the people, so I saw a photo booth like one I went into on 25 March 1994 to have my passport photo done, and I went into the photo booth because it was like a cupboard and it felt safer and I could look out through the curtain.
And I did detecting by watching and I saw that people were putting tickets into gray gates and walking through. And some of them were buying tickets at big black machines on the wall.
And I watched 47 people do this and I memorized what to do. Then I imagined a red line on the floor and I walked over to the wall where there was a poster which was a list of places to go and it was alphabetical and I saw Willesden Green and it said £2:20 and then I went to one of the machines and there was a little screen which said PRESS TICKET TYPE and I pressed the button that most people had pressed, which was ADULT SINGLE and £2:20, and the screen said INSERT £2:20 and I put three £1 coins into the slot and there was a clinking noise and the screen said TAKE TICKET AND CHANGE and there was a ticket in a little hole at the bottom of the machine and a 50p coin and a 20p coin and a 10p coin and I put the coins in my pocket and I went up to one of the gray gates and I put my ticket into the slot and it sucked it in and it came out on the other side of the gate. And someone said, “Get a move on,” and I made the noise like a dog barking and I walked forward and the gate opened this time and I took my ticket like other people did and I liked the gray gate because that was like something in a science fiction film about the future, too.
And then I had to work out which way to go, so I stood against a wall so people didn't touch me, and there was a sign for Bakerloo Line and District and Circle Line but not one for Jubilee Line like the lady had said, so I made a plan and it was to go to Willesden Junction on the Bakerloo Line.
And there was another sign for Bakerloo Line and it was like this
And I read all the words and I found Willesden Junction, so I followed the arrow that said ← and I went through the left-hand tunnel and there was a fence down the middle of the tunnel and the people were walking straight ahead on the left and coming the other way on the right like on a road, so I walked along the left and the tunnel curved left and then there were more gates and a sign said Bakerloo Line and it pointed down an escalator, so I had to go down the escalators and I had to hold on to the rubber rail but that moved too so I didn't fall over and people were standing close to me and I wanted to hit them to make them go away but I didn't hit them because of the caution.
And then I was at the bottom of the escalators and I had to jump off and I tripped and bumped into someone and they said, “Easy,” and there were two ways to go and one said Northbound and I went that way because Willesden was on the top half of the map and the top is always north on maps.
And then I was in another train station but it was tiny and it was in a tunnel and there was only one track and the walls were curved and they were covered in big adverts and they said WAY OUT and London's Transport Museum and Take time out to regret your career choice and JAMAICA and British Rail and No Smoking and Be Moved and Be Moved and Be Moved and For Stations beyond Queen's Park take the first train and change at Queen's Park if necessary and Hammersmith and City Line and You're closer than my family ever gets. And there were lots of people standing in the little station and it was underground so there weren't any windows and I didn't like that, so I found a seat which was a bench and I sat at the end of the bench.
And then lots of people started coming into the little station. And someone sat down on the other end of the bench and it was a lady who had a black briefcase and purple shoes and a brooch shaped like a parrot. And the people kept coming into the little station so that it was even more crowded than the big station. And then I couldn't see the walls anymore and the back of someone's jacket touched my knee and I felt sick and I started groaning really loudly and the lady on the bench stood up and no one else sat down. And I felt like I felt like when I had flu and I had to stay in bed all day and all of me hurt and I couldn't walk or eat or go to sleep or do maths.
And then there was a sound like people fighting with swords and I could feel a strong wind and a roaring started and I closed my eyes and the roaring got louder and I groaned really loudly but I couldn't block it out of my ears and I thought the little station was going to collapse or there was a big fire somewhere and I was going to die. And then the roaring turned into a clattering and a squealing and it got slowly quieter and then it stopped and I kept my eyes closed because I felt safer not seeing what was happening. And then I could hear people moving again because it was quieter. And I opened my eyes but I couldn't see anything at first because there were too many people. And then I saw that they were getting onto a train that wasn't there before and it was the train which was the roaring. And there was sweat running down my face from under my hair and I was moaning, not groaning, but different, like a dog when it has hurt its paw, and I heard the sound but I didn't realize it was me at first.
And then the train doors closed and the train sta
rted moving and it roared again but not as loud this time and 5 carriages went past and it went into the tunnel at the end of the little station and it was quiet again and the people were all walking into the tunnels that went out of the little station.
And I was shaking and I wanted to be back at home, and then I realized I couldn't be at home because Father was there and he told a lie and he killed Wellington, which meant that it wasn't my home anymore, my home was 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, and it scared me, having a wrong thought like, “I wish I was back at home again,” because it meant my mind wasn't working properly.
And then more people came into the little station and it became fuller and then the roaring began again and I closed my eyes and I sweated and felt sick and I felt the feeling like a balloon inside my chest and it was so big I found it hard to breathe. And then the people went away on the train and the little station was empty again. And then it filled up with people and another train came with the same roaring. And it was exactly like having flu that time because I wanted it to stop, like you can just pull the plug of a computer out of the wall if it crashes, because I wanted to go to sleep so that I wouldn't have to think because the only thing I could think was how much it hurt because there was no room for anything else in my head, but I couldn't go to sleep and I just had to sit there and there was nothing to do except to wait and to hurt.
223. And this is another description because Siobhan said I should do descriptions and it is a description of the advert that was on the wall of the little train station opposite me, but I can't remember all of it because I thought I was going to die.
And the advert said
DREAM HOLIDAY,
THINK KUONI
IN MALAYSIA
and behind the writing there was a big photograph of 2 orangutans and they were swinging on branches and there were trees behind them but the leaves were blurred because the camera was focusing on the orangutans and not the leaves and the orangutans were moving.