So she made me promise never to leave the flat on my own because it was dangerous and because you couldn't trust people in London because they were strangers. And the next day she had to go to the shops again and she made me promise not to answer the door if anyone rang the bell. And when she came back she brought some food pellets for Toby and three Star Trek videos and I watched them in the living room until Mr. Shears came home and then I went into the spare room again. And I wished that 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, had a garden but it didn't.
And the day after that the office where Mother worked rang and told her she couldn't come back to work because they had got someone else to do her job for her, and she was really angry and she said that it was illegal and she was going to complain, but Mr. Shears said, “Don't be a bloody fool. It was a temporary job, for Christ's sake.”
And when Mother came into the spare room before I went to sleep I said, “I have to go to Swindon to take my A level.”
And she said, “Christopher, not now. I'm getting phone calls from your father threatening to take me to court. I'm getting it in the neck from Roger. It's not a good time.”
And I said, “But I have to go because it's been arranged and the Reverend Peters is going to invigilate.”
And she said, “Look. It's only an exam. I can ring the school. We can get it postponed. You can take it some other time.”
And I said, “I can't take it another time. It's been arranged. And I've done lots of revision. And Mrs. Gascoyne said we could use a room at school.”
And Mother said, “Christopher, I am just about holding this together. But I am this close to losing it, all right? So just give me some—”
Then she stopped talking and she put her hand over her mouth and she stood up and went out of the room. And I started feeling a pain in my chest like I did on the underground because I thought I wasn't going to be able to go back to Swindon and take my A level.
And the next morning I looked out of the window in the dining room to count the cars in the street to see whether it was going to be a Quite Good Day or a Good Day or a Super Good Day or a Black Day, but it wasn't like being on the bus to school because you could look out of the window for as long as you wanted and see as many cars as you wanted, and I looked out of the window for three hours and I saw 5 red cars in a row and 4 yellow cars in a row, which meant it was both a Good Day and a Black Day, so the system didn't work anymore. But if I concentrated on counting the cars it stopped me from thinking about my A level and the pain in my chest.
And in the afternoon Mother took me to Hampstead Heath in a taxi and we sat on the top of a hill and looked at the planes coming into Heathrow Airport in the distance. And I had a red ice lolly from an ice cream van. And Mother said she had rung Mrs. Gascoyne and told her that I was going to take my maths A level next year, so I threw my red ice lolly away and I screamed for a long time and the pain in my chest hurt so much that it was hard to breathe and a man came up and asked if I was OK and Mother said, “Well, what does it look like to you?” and he went away.
And then I was tired from screaming and Mother took me back to the flat in another taxi and the next morning was Saturday and she told Mr. Shears to go out and get me some books about science and maths from the library, and they were called 100 Number Puzzles and The Origins of the Universe and Nuclear Power, but they were for children and they were not very good so I didn't read them, and Mr. Shears said, “Well, it's nice to know my contribution is appreciated.”
And I hadn't eaten anything since I threw away the red ice lolly on Hampstead Heath, so Mother made me a chart with stars on it like when I was very small and she filled a measuring jug with Complan and strawberry flavoring and I got a bronze star for drinking 200 ml and a silver star for drinking 400 ml and a gold star for drinking 600 ml.
And when Mother and Mr. Shears argued I took the little radio from the kitchen and I went and sat in the spare room and I tuned it halfway between two stations so that all I could hear was white noise and I turned the volume up really loud and I held it against my ear and the sound filled my head and it hurt so that I couldn't feel any other sort of hurt, like the hurt in my chest, and I couldn't hear Mother and Mr. Shears arguing and I couldn't think about not doing my A level or the fact that there wasn't a garden at 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, or the fact that I couldn't see the stars.
And then it was Monday. And it was very late at night and Mr. Shears came into my room and woke me up and he had been drinking beer because he smelled like Father did when he had been drinking beer with Rhodri. And he said, “You think you're so fucking clever, don't you. Don't you ever, ever think about other people for one second, eh? Well, I bet you're really pleased with yourself now, aren't you.”
And then Mother came in and pulled him out of the room and said, “Christopher, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.”
The next morning, after Mr. Shears had gone to work, Mother packed lots of her clothes into two suitcases and told me to come downstairs and bring Toby and get into the car. And she put the suitcases into the boot and we drove off. But it was Mr. Shears's car and I said, “Are you stealing the car?”
And she said, “I'm just borrowing it.”
And I said, “Where are we going?”
And she said, “We're going home.”
And I said, “Do you mean home in Swindon?”
And she said, “Yes.”
And I said, “Is Father going to be there?”
And she said, “Please, Christopher. Don't give me any hassle right now, OK?”
And I said, “I don't want to be with Father.”
And she said, “Just . . . Just . . . It's going to be all right, Christopher, OK? It's going to be all right.”
And I said, “Are we going back to Swindon so I can do my maths A level?”
And Mother said, “What?”
And I said, “I'm meant to be doing my maths A level tomorrow.”
And Mother spoke very slowly and she said, “We are going back to Swindon because if we stay in London any longer . . . someone was going to get hurt. And I don't necessarily mean you.”
And I said, “What do you mean?”
And she said, “Now I need you to be quiet for a while.”
And I said, “How long do you want me to be quiet for?”
And she said, “Jesus.” And then she said, “Half an hour, Christopher. I need you to be quiet for half an hour.”
And we drove all the way to Swindon and it took 3 hours 12 minutes and we had to stop for petrol and Mother bought me a Milkybar but I didn't eat it. And we got caught in a long traffic jam which was caused by people slowing down to look at an accident on the other carriageway. And I tried to work out a formula to determine whether a traffic jam would be caused just by people slowing down and how this was influenced by (a) the density of traffic, and (b) the speed of the traffic, and (c) how quickly drivers braked when they saw the brake of the lights of the car in front coming on. But I was too tired because I hadn't slept the night before because I was thinking about not being able to do my maths A level. So I fell asleep.
And when we got to Swindon Mother had keys to the house and we went in and she said, “Hello?” but there was no one there because it was 1:23 p.m. And I was frightened but Mother said I would be safe, so I went up to my room and closed the door. I took Toby out of my pocket and I let him run around and I played Minesweeper and I did the Expert Version in 174 seconds, which was 75 seconds longer than my best time.
And then it was 6:35 p.m. and I heard Father come home in his van and I moved the bed up against the door so he couldn't get in and he came into the house and he and Mother shouted at each other.
And Father shouted, “How the fuck did you get in here?”
And Mother shouted, “This is my house, too, in case you've forgotten.”
And Father shouted, “Is your fucking fancy man here as well?”
And then I picked up the bongo drums that Uncle Terry had bought me an
d I knelt down in the corner of the room and I pressed my head into the join between the two walls and I banged the drums and I groaned and I carried on doing this for an hour and then Mother came into the room and said Father had gone. And she said Father had gone to stay with Rhodri for a while and we would get a place to live of our own in the next few weeks.
Then I went into the garden and I found Toby's cage behind the shed and I brought it inside and I cleaned it and put Toby back in it.
And I asked Mother if I could do my maths A level the next day.
And she said, “I'm sorry, Christopher.”
And I said, “Can I do my maths A level?”
And she said, “You're not listening to me, are you, Christopher.”
And I said, “I'm listening to you.”
And Mother said, “I told you. I rang your headmistress. I told her you were in London. I told her you'd do it next year.”
And I said, “But I'm here now and I can take it.”
And Mother said, “I'm sorry, Christopher. I was trying to do things properly. I was trying not to mess things up.”
And my chest began hurting again and I folded my arms and I rocked backward and forward and groaned.
And Mother said, “I didn't know we'd be coming back.”
But I carried on groaning and rocking backward and forward.
And Mother said, “Come on. This isn't going to solve anything.”
Then she asked if I wanted to watch one of my Blue Planet videos, about life under the Arctic ice or the migration of humpback whales, but I didn't say anything because I knew I wasn't going to be able to do my maths A level and it was like pressing your thumbnail against a radiator when it's really hot and the pain starts and it makes you want to cry and the pain keeps hurting even when you take your thumb away from the radiator.
Then Mother made me some carrots and broccoli and ketchup, but I didn't eat them.
And I didn't sleep that night either.
The next day Mother drove me to school in Mr. Shears's car because we missed the bus. And when we were getting into the car, Mrs. Shears came across the road and said to Mother, “You've got a fucking nerve.”
And Mother said, “Get into the car, Christopher.”
But I couldn't get into the car because the door was locked.
And Mrs. Shears said, “So, has he finally dumped you, too?”
Then Mother opened her door and got into the car and unlocked my door and I got in and we drove away.
And when we got to school Siobhan said, “So you're Christopher's mother.” And Siobhan said that she was glad to see me again and she asked if I was OK and I said I was tired. And Mother explained that I was upset because I couldn't do my maths A level so I hadn't been eating properly or sleeping properly.
And then Mother went away and I drew a picture of a bus using perspective so that I didn't think about the pain in my chest and it looked like this
And after lunch Siobhan said that she had spoken to Mrs. Gascoyne and she still had my A-level papers in 3 sealed envelopes in her desk.
So I asked if I could still do my A level.
And Siobhan said, “I think so. We're going to ring the Reverend Peters this afternoon to make sure he can still come in and be your invigilator. And Mrs. Gascoyne is going to write a letter to the examination board to say that you're going to take the exam after all. And hopefully they'll say that that's OK. But we can't know that for sure.” Then she stopped talking for a few seconds. “I thought I should tell you now. So you could think about it.”
And I said, “So I could think about what?”
And she said, “Is this what you want to do, Christopher?”
And I thought about the question and I wasn't sure what the answer was because I wanted to do my maths A level but I was very tired and when I tried to think about maths my brain didn't work properly and when I tried to remember certain facts, like the logarithmic formula for the approximate number of prime numbers not greater than x, I couldn't remember them and this made me frightened.
And Siobhan said, “You don't have to do it, Christopher. If you say you don't want to do it no one is going to be angry with you. And it won't be wrong or illegal or stupid. It will just be what you want and that will be fine.”
And I said, “I want to do it,” because I don't like it when I put things in my timetable and I have to take them out again, because when I do that it makes me feel sick.
And Siobhan said, “OK.”
And she rang the Reverend Peters and he came into school at 3:27 p.m. and he said, “So, young man, are we ready to roll?”
And I did Paper 1 of my maths A level sitting in the Art Room. And the Reverend Peters was the invigilator and he sat at a desk while I did the exam and he read a book called The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and ate a sandwich. And in the middle of the exam he went and smoked a cigarette outside the window, but he watched me through the window in case I cheated.
And when I opened the paper and read through it I couldn't think how to answer any of the questions and also I couldn't breathe properly. And I wanted to hit somebody or stab them with my Swiss Army knife, but there wasn't anyone to hit or stab with my Swiss Army knife except the Reverend Peters and he was very tall and if I hit him or stabbed him with my Swiss Army knife he wouldn't be my invigilator for the rest of the exam. So I took deep breaths like Siobhan said I should do when I want to hit someone in school and I counted 50 breaths and did cubes of the cardinal numbers as I counted, like this
1, 8, 27, 64, 125, 216, 343, 512, 729, 1000, 1331,
1728, 2197, 2744, 3375, 4096, 4913 . . . etc.
And that made me feel a little calmer. But the exam was 2 hours long and 20 minutes had already gone so I had to work really fast and I didn't have time to check my answers properly.
And that night, just after I got home, Father came back to the house and I screamed but Mother said she wouldn't let anything bad happen to me and I went into the garden and lay down and looked at the stars in the sky and made myself negligible. And when Father came out of the house he looked at me for a long time and then he punched the fence and made a hole in it and went away.
And I slept a little bit that night because I was doing my maths A level. And I had some spinach soup for supper.
And the next day I did Paper 2 and the Reverend Peters read The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, but this time he didn't smoke a cigarette and Siobhan made me go into the toilets before the exam and sit on my own and do breathing and counting.
And I was playing The 11th Hour on my computer that evening when a taxi stopped outside the house. Mr. Shears was in the taxi and he got out of the taxi and threw a big cardboard box of things belonging to Mother onto the lawn. And they were a hair dryer and some knickers and some L'Oréal shampoo and a box of muesli and two books, DIANA: Her True Story by Andrew Morton and Rivals by Jilly Cooper, and a photograph of me in a silver frame. And the glass in the photograph frame broke when it fell onto the grass.
Then he got some keys out of his pocket and got into his car and drove away and Mother ran out of the house and she ran into the street and shouted, “Don't fucking bother coming back, either!” And she threw the box of muesli and it hit the boot of his car as he drove away and Mrs. Shears was looking out of her window when Mother did this.
The next day I did Paper 3 and the Reverend Peters read the Daily Mail and smoked three cigarettes.
And this was my favorite question
Prove the following result:
A triangle with sides that can be written in the form n2 + 1, n2 - 1 and 2n (where n > 1) is right-angled.
Show, by means of a counterexample, that the converse is false.
And I was going to write out how I answered the question except Siobhan said it wasn't very interesting, but I said it was. And she said people wouldn't want to read the answers to a maths question in a book, and she said I could put the answer in an Appendix, which is an extra chapter at the end o
f a book which people can read if they want to. And that is what I have done.
And then my chest didn't hurt so much and it was easier to breathe. But I still felt sick because I didn't know if I'd done well in the exam and because I didn't know if the examination board would allow my exam paper to be considered after Mrs. Gascoyne had told them I wasn't going to take it.
And it's best if you know a good thing is going to happen, like an eclipse or getting a microscope for Christmas. And it's bad if you know a bad thing is going to happen, like having a filling or going to France. But I think it is worst if you don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing which is going to happen.
And Father came round to the house that night and I was sitting on the sofa watching University Challenge and just answering the science questions. And he stood in the doorway of the living room and he said, “Don't scream, OK, Christopher. I'm not going to hurt you.”
And Mother was standing behind him so I didn't scream.
Then he came a bit closer to me and he crouched down like you do with dogs to show that you are not an Aggressor and he said, “I wanted to ask you how the exam went.”
But I didn't say anything.
And Mother said, “Tell him, Christopher.”
But I still didn't say anything.
And Mother said, “Please, Christopher.”
So I said, “I don't know if I got all the questions right because I was really tired and I hadn't eaten any food so I couldn't think properly.”
And then Father nodded and he didn't say anything for a short while. Then he said “Thank you.”
And I said, “What for?”
And he said, “Just . . . thank you.” Then he said, “I'm very proud of you, Christopher. Very proud. I'm sure you did really well.”