“What is that?” I ask, nodding to the spectacle.
Jaxen glances over. “They opened the city up to any Primeval in need of security. It was all over the news. I haven’t been able to find out exactly why though.”
A witch passes us, suitcase in either hand and tears streaming down her oval face, which is covered in bruises and soot, both so dark in color it’s hard to tell between the two. I stop, turning, and notice the many Primevals streaming in from the magic bubble, some with suitcases, others cradled against their loved ones or partners, most crying and shaking. Their faces slowly morph, their pain merging together like oils on a painting, until all I see is his face—Mourdyn. They are a reflection of his devastation. A reminder that this has only just begun.
“Come on,” Jaxen says, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. We cross the bridge to our house as a Chinese food vendor on a boat passes under, the tranquil, folk-style notes of music bouncing off the embankment. It looks exactly as I left it—a quaint, two-story brick building with iron work and colorful flowers turning with the season, but the sense of returning home never comes the way I wish it would. The way I felt when heading home after school as a child.
He stops me before I head up the stairs to the front door.
“What?”
He tugs at his ear. “I-uh-I called everyone to let them know you were being released while you were with the nurse. I tried to explain to Katie and Chrissa that you probably weren’t up for company, but they didn’t—”
My heart beats a light feeling through my chest. “Are they inside?” I ask, already taking to the steps.
“Yes, but—” Jaxen calls out, but my hand is on the knob, pushing the door open.
“Surprise!” a room full of faces shouts the moment the door swings open.
I nearly topple backward from the shock, but Jaxen’s right behind me, catching me as he whispers, “I tried to warn you,” in my ear.
My eyes graze greedily over the room, drinking in the many faces I’ve longed to see. My dad, Evangeline and Chrissa, Garret, Harper, Katie and Chett, Jezi. Even Gavin in the far corner sitting in an armchair with a glass pressed to his lips. They’re here, standing under a ridiculously large, hand-painted banner that reads: Welcome Back from Death.
I can tell by the smirk on Katie’s face that it was her idea.
Chrissa rushes up to us and throws her arms around me, pressing her head against my chest. “You made it back! I knew you would! I kept telling everyone not to worry because you’re super strong and smart and wouldn’t give up.”
I smile down at her, my heart imploding with warmth. “And it’s your faith in me that keeps me the strongest.”
She grins like a fool and then releases me as my dad makes his way through the sea of people. He pulls me in for a tight, lung-squeezing hug.
“I thought I lost you,” he admits, his voice strained with emotion.
I try to swallow past the rock in my throat.
“First your mom, and then you… I didn’t know what to do. I’m no… I’m no good at this worrying thing.” He pulls back, and I notice the hollow circles under his eyes. The streaks of gray speckled through the sides of his hair.
“I saw her, Dad,” I whisper into his ear.
He jerks back, searching my eyes.
“I saw Mom. She was in the dwelling waiting for me.”
His mouth opens and shuts as his mind spins on overdrive. “Was she…”
“She’s happy, Dad. She misses us, but she’s here,” I say, pointing to his heart. “And she isn’t going anywhere. Not until we’re all together again.”
He pulls me in and squeezes me again. “I love you, kiddo. I’m so glad you’re home.”
“Me too,” I say, wishing the cracking feeling in my heart would go away.
After another second, he lets go and moves back through the crowd toward the kitchen, probably trying to collect himself.
“Hey, you,” Katie says as she grabs my hand. “And here you thought you’d be a defect, only to conquer death.”
“I didn’t conquer anything,” I say, pulling her in for a hug. I leave out the part about actually being a defect for now. “Alesteria brought me back. I was lucky.”
“Are lucky,” she corrects as Jezi pulls her away from me, and then throws her arms around my neck.
I stumble back, trying to find my footing as Jezi holds me tight. My brain is having trouble processing this as my hands struggle to figure out what to do. Do I hug her back? Is she confusing me with someone else? Do I squeeze her as tight as she’s squeezing me?
“Just shut up and hug me already!” she says against my ear, listening in on my thoughts like always. “It’s good to know that death doesn’t change a person. Not even their dorkiest qualities.”
“Qualities I’m proud of,” I say in mock offense.
She squeezes a little harder. “Qualities I’ve missed,” she adds, her smile saddening a little. “Faye, what you did for me… I can’t begin to repay you.”
“You already did,” I reply through the lump in my throat as my gaze shifts over to Jaxen.
“The others wanted to be here,” Katie says, talking about the missing faces of Sterling, Seamus, Damien, Lukah, Toby, and Bianca. “They were scheduled for duty today. You know they’d be here otherwise.”
“Duty?”
“We’re all on duty,” Jezi quickly explains. “The entire city has become a refuge to Primevals. Any who have powers or want to fight are then sent back out as Elites. It’s all we can do to keep the number of paranormals under control as Mourdyn’s reach spreads throughout the country.”
Her words are like a shadow drawn over the room. The light that had momentarily filled it is snuffed out, replaced by a bone-deep chill brought on by his name.
“How bad is it?” I ask, a pinching feeling of guilt and fury nipping at me.
No one says anything at first. Their eyes point to the ground, their lack of admittance speaking louder than anything they could say.
“What matters is that it will be better now that you’re awake,” Katie says surely, as if I hold the power to fix this with just a snap of my fingers. A small, hidden part of me, the part that naturally stumbles under pressure and fear, the part I hid as far from the new me as I could, scratches at my composure, but I swat it away, finding strength in the many eyes that are watching me, waiting for solace.
I plaster a confident smile on my face. Connect eyes with everyone. “He won’t win. Not if I can help it,” I reassure, letting my smile be a buoy of hope they can clamp onto.
It’s like my words alone have vacuumed the fear right out, because their voices pick up in light chatter all at once, covering the room in a blanket of calm I can finally breathe in. I take my time moving from friend to friend, listening to all I’ve missed, trying to digest how quickly things can change in the blink of an eye.
Chett is no longer corrected, but also no longer a Carter in the mental sense. Katie tells me how her love and faith changed him, and I can see in his eyes that it is true. There is a softer, more humble quality in his gaze. I see it in how he stands behind her instead of in front of her. How his eyes skim over her lips as she speaks, mouth twisting and pulling along with her every emotion. How he sometimes finishes her sentences whenever she looks to him for the right word to explain something.
I never imagined myself feeling grateful for the pairing, but maybe the Culling knew what it was doing after all. Maybe everything that has happened has all lead to this defining moment in time. This time when we hug our loved ones closer and appreciate every moment as if it were our last.
As I make my way around the room, this thought keeps pounding through my mind like an empowering chant. Change is everywhere. It’s in the near inch Chrissa grew, and the way Jezi sticks close to my father, almost as if he has taken her under his wing. It’s Harper’s news of expecting her first child with Lukah, and Katie whispering that Damien and Jezi had recently started dating.
I won
der how Weldon will take that?
Time is like a deck of cards, always shuffling, changing the order, rearranging the number of things so we can never guess what will come next.
“We don’t want to keep you,” Katie says a little later after the sun has stretched its fingers across the carpet. She moves to the middle of the room, taking over for everyone with a motherly tone that makes me think of our late nights when we were younger. Back when she would tell me to be quiet and sleep because of whatever important thing we had going on the next day. “We just wanted to be here when you got home to tell you we love you and we’re all glad you’re okay.”
My heart feels swollen, ready to burst at any moment. “I appreciate it, guys, really. It means the world to me to see all your faces after…” I don’t finish the sentence as my eyes land on Gavin in the corner of the room. He’s staring off into space. The one person who hasn’t moved. Hasn’t once looked in my direction. I drag my eyes away from him, clearing my throat. “But I am pretty beat. You know, that whole coming-back-from-death thing and all. It takes a toll on you.”
An odd mixture of laughter follows, as if they don’t know whether it’s okay to joke about it or not. Death has been such a constant in our lives that it almost feels like another person in the room.
“Well, we’ll head out now,” Katie says, using her hands to usher everyone toward the door. “Jezi and I made you a casserole so you wouldn’t have to worry about cooking, and Harper made the sides.”
I reach for Harper’s hands and squeeze. “Thank you,” I say, smiling.
The age-old expression of pregnant women glowing strikes me when I look at her. She’s radiant, her smile lifting my spirits like a kite in the wind on a breezy afternoon. “It was my pleasure,” she says, her voice warm and pure. “Hope you enjoy, Faye. See you soon.”
Garret escorts her out the door, and then I turn back to Jezi and Katie. They are standing under the banner they made. It’s then I notice how close they’ve become while I was out, and I actually feel relieved. Glad they could form a friendship under such circumstances.
Jaxen stands by the door, telling everyone goodbye as they make their way out. I wait near him, giving hugs and taking the time to tell each person how much they mean to me. I won’t waste one more second of this life not doing so. My father kisses my forehead and tells me he’s moved inside the military ward near Sterling since they began training the armies. Evangeline tells me I can come by whenever I like for dinner when I feel up for it.
When they’ve all cleared out, Katie, Chett, and Jezi stop by the door, telling me their plans of going out later for drinks at a bar. I tell them maybe, even though I know all I want to do is take a bath and lay in bed with Jaxen. He shuts the door behind them and then walks over to Gavin, stopping just in front of him.
“How are you, brother?” he asks, his voice sounding somewhat unsure if he should even be talking to him. It’s like Katie and Jezi took all the happiness with them, leaving three broken bodies to mend alone.
Gavin doesn’t look up. He’s still staring at his empty glass, eyes lazily blinking. “I see you’ve made it from the other side of death,” he says. His voice has changed. It’s deeper. Darker. Like the light that once shone through it has been dragged to a bottomless pit with no chance of escaping.
Jaxen’s shoulders tense, fists clenching at his sides, but he doesn’t react how I expect him to. He just sighs, and then walks into the kitchen without another word.
Gavin’s eyes find mine then, and the moment we connect, it’s like a bolt of lightning strikes my body. Pure pain. That’s all that dwells in his glassy gaze. The kind you don’t recover from. The kind that eats away at you, little by little, until you’re a shattered piece of who you once were.
“If I had a choice, I would have wanted her to be brought back in my place, Gavin. You have to know that.”
“Do I?” he asks, his hard eyes staring through me. It’s like the curtain has been drawn over them.
I am a foolish, fragile spine.
I don’t respond. I don’t know how to. I can’t begin to imagine how he feels. How losing someone that important to you makes your days seem meaningless. All I can do is be empathetic and try to understand. If it were Jaxen… there would be no light at the end of the tunnel. There would be endless days with only one goal—to find him on the other side.
Gavin sets his cup on the coffee table and stands. When he walks over to me, I force myself to stay still, even though anger pulses off him. He stops beside me and says, “When and if the curse takes you, be sure to tell her I’m coming for her.”
And then he’s gone. Just like that.
I’VE FINALLY FACED THE MONSTER in my closet.
He’s been here all these years, in nightmare after nightmare, and I never could put my finger on what he was made from. What deep-rooted fear he had clutched onto so he could continuously haunt me. Always following me, everywhere I went. Never leaving me, like a defective appendage I needed to amputate.
I draw in a deep breath and slip my head under the warm water of the bath Jaxen drew for me. Silence caves in around me, not allowing anything but my thoughts to dance with one another.
The fear of not belonging in this world, not having the powers I briefly had… that was the monster hiding under my bed and in my closet and within every shadow I never wanted to stand close to. And I’ve finally slipped out from under my covers. Stepped within that shadow. Peered over the edge of my bed, only to find a dusty pair of socks underneath it.
Being powerless isn’t that bad. Isn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be.
In fact, it's quite relieving.
What more can I do now that the darkness has left me? What more can they ask of me now that I am nothing but a defect? Nothing but who I was meant to be all along?
I’m useless, and I’ve never felt more valuable.
“CAN I COME IN?”
His words slip through the door he’s cracked open. In them, I hear his hesitancy, like he’s balancing on the middle of a tightrope a thousand feet in the air and doesn’t know if he should continue forward or go back.
Either way, he could fall.
“Please,” I say, sitting up in the clawfoot tub. I poke a pruned toe out of the lukewarm water and push my hair back from my face as ripples skim out like growing halos along the surface.
He sits on the chair next to the tub, the stubble on his face longer than I’ve ever seen it. He’s watching my eyes, waiting for a sign, an invitation, anything that tells him where we stand. How I feel. What will happen next.
“Get in with me,” I say as I pull the plug and turn the hot water on so some of the cold water will drain out.
He stands. Shucks out of his clothes in a cool, controlled manner, and then slides in behind me, legs siding perfectly around my hips. I rest my head against his chest and smile when his hands make their way down the sides of my arms. My skin feels electric under his touch. It’s been so long… too long since we’ve had a moment like this.
A moment I never thought I’d have again.
“Do you ever think about that day?” I ask as the tip of my finger dances along the glassy surface.
His hands move to my shoulders. “What day?”
I relax against him, going limp as his fingers dig at the knots in my muscles. “When you asked me if I’d run away with you at the academy. Do you ever think about it?”
“All the time.” I hear a smile in his voice as his thumbs work up the back of my neck, sending shivers of pleasure down my spine. “You?”
I close my eyes. “I did. Especially toward the end.”
His fingers pause briefly, but then resume. “How do you feel now? You seem so much… better. More confident than before.”
I think about it for a moment. “You know… I feel better. Like a weight has been lifted. I’m not scared of it anymore.”
“Of what?”
My eyes open. “Death,” I say clearly. “I’ve seen the o
ther side. I know it isn’t the end but the beginning to a life of peace, and so it can’t hurt or scare me anymore. Because I know Cassie and my mother are happy. They’re simply… waiting for us.”
Silence swallows us as a weightless, joyful feeling settles in. The kind of feeling you get after a cold has cleared and you can breathe again. Motivated. Healthy. Positive. We sit for a while. He continues to rub my shoulders as the water turns lukewarm. I make ripples, one after the other.
“God, that feels good.”
“Yeah?” His desire is already pressing against my backside, and it wakens my need like pouring gas onto a flame. I’ve been locked inside myself for so long that I had given up on the notion of simple pleasures such as these. In being able to take a minute with the man I love to worship one another.
I turn so I can look into his eyes, so I can press myself against him and revel in the warmth of his skin that I crave to touch. To kiss.
“Do you know how incredibly amazing you are?” he asks, his green eyes showering me in love.
I smile as my cheeks go warm.
He runs his hands down the sides of my face, his smile a soft contrast against the intensity of his gaze. “A few hours ago, you were lying in a hospital bed and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get to look into your beautiful blue eyes again. And now…”
“And now we finish this,” I say as I lean forward and seal my promise with a kiss. I take my time kissing him, exploring the smooth shape of his mouth. Tasting the sweet, minty heat as our tongues intertwine and our hands push us forward.
He sits up and pulls me onto his lap. I wrap my legs around his waist as my fingers twist in his hair, pulling him closer. Kissing him deeper. There’s a desperation in my movements. A need to take back all the stolen moments I’ve missed.
I thought I was dead. Gave in to the fact that I would never see him or touch him again, and now I’ve been given a second chance to make the most out of every second I have left on this earth. And I can do it without the pressure to perform like a zoo animal. Like a puppet whose strings are pulled by any and every one.