14
GUSHING
“Please, you’ve got to get off of me,” I said to my uncle’s wife.
I couldn’t think of her as my aunt. Actually, I never had. She always seemed to be so stuffy. She never gave me a hug, not that I could remember. But now she stood there clinging to my arm, begging me not to destroy her.
“Does the fact that I just poured my heart out to you mean anything? I know you’re just going to go and tell him anyway. Well, thanks for nothing,” she said, stepping out into the pouring rain.
Alright Lord, what would You do? She’s stepping outside of her marriage. How could I live with myself if I don’t tell my uncle the truth? I mean blood is thicker than mud, right. I don’t even know why I’m having second thoughts about this. Could I be a horrible person if I don’t tell him? Show me what to do. Show me how to have the right spirit about this. Don’t let me just act out in vengeance because I never really liked my aunt in the first place. And please don’t let me react because I am miserable right now in my own life.
As I prayed, I found myself going toward my uncle’s office. I figured if I wasn’t supposed to be there something would happen to stop me. But there was no divine intervention.
“Hey Hayden, does your uncle know you’re coming?” his secretary said, in the friendliest voice I had heard all day.
“No, but if he’s busy, I can come back another time. I just had a moment and needed to talk to him, but it’s okay, it’s no big deal. You don’t need to bother him.” What am I doing? I was now having second thoughts, but before I could go anywhere his secretary quickly picked up the phone and buzzed him.
“Okay, I’ll tell her,” she said, as she hung up. “He’s ready to see you. Before you go in I don’t want you to get the impression that you have to call first, because you never do. Anytime you need to see him, your uncle will squeeze you in. It’s just last time was awkward.”
I took a deep sigh, as I entered his office. I was torn as to whether I should tell him what I had just witnessed.
“Hey girl, give me a hug,” he said. “The wife and I were trying to get over there for Christmas, but we just didn’t get a chance to come see you guys. Now it’s March. I talk to your sister more than I do you. Crazy, when you and I share the same space practically. What in the world is going on with that?”
“Life, it’s busy. I don’t mean to take up any more of your time. I just came by to say hi. Let me go.”
“No, no girl. You never just come by to say hi. Sit. I have a refrigerator over here full of Coke. I’m sure you want a cup?”
“You still remember my favorite drink?”
“Yep, and I got a few, hoping you would come by.”
I looked all around his office and saw all of his pictures. There was a picture of me and my sister, but mostly the pictures were of him and his wife. As I sat there chugging the Coke he set on his desk for me, he went on and on about the promotion she just got. She was a drugstore manager and now she was going to be managing several stores in Little Rock. I wasn’t impressed at all.
He said, “I’m just so proud of her. She is the light of my life. The last time you came in here, I know it was kind of an awkward situation.”
“That was months ago and I truly don’t think your marriage is getting better,” I said from nowhere.
He leaned forward and said, “What are you talking about?”
I knew what I had to do. I had to tell him the truth. He seemed so blind to all that was going on around him. I just couldn’t have him live that way anymore.
Cutting through the uneasiness, I said, “I just saw your wife with one of my professors.”
“She was on campus with a teacher?” The confused look he gave me urged me to divulge more.
However, I needed him to think this through. It just didn’t make sense she was somewhere where she had no business being, with a person that she wasn’t supposed to be with. I could tell by his expression he connected the dots without any help from me.
“I’m sorry, I just love you too much,” I said, seeing the despair rise over his usually strong and upbeat face.
He nodded, went over to his door and opened it. I knew he needed time alone so I just got up and kissed him on the forehead and hoped and prayed that I did the right thing. Truth was always good, wasn’t it?
When I left his office, I checked my cell phone and saw that I had five missed calls from Sharon, then Dena, Sharon again, Bea and then Audria.
There was also a text from Bea: We’re still in the meeting room. Come back.
“So Bea, you want me to come back?” I said aloud. “I knew it!”
I felt pretty good about myself. How did they not think they owed their leader an apology? They should have done whatever I told them to do. It was for their own good.
When I got back to the meeting room, all the smiles I thought I would see and all the apologies I thought I would hear were replaced with something I was not expecting.
“About time you came back,” Bea said, like I was her worst enemy. “We’ve been waiting here forever, like we ain’t got other stuff to do.”
“I had to get myself together and go see my uncle, okay. Some things came up on my end too,” I replied, a little on the defensive.
“Alright, well can you have a seat, Hayden,” Sharon said. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but ...”
“I don’t care how she takes it,” Bea interrupted.
“Take what? What is all of this about? Just let all of the hot feelings subside. I thought that is what y’all had done, but obviously I was wrong. Why don’t we just talk tomorrow?”
Bea insisted, “Naw, we can’t talk tomorrow, sister, sit down like Sharon said. We talking today.”
“Okay, then talk,” I said as I sat down.
Bea looked at Sharon. Sharon looked at Dena. Dena looked at the other girls in the room and they all looked back at Bea.
“Alright, well I’ll just tell her. We think ...”
“No, I’ll say it,” Sharon said. “You ain’t got to be so mean, girl. She is supposed to be your girl and you just gonna blurt it out?”
“Blurt what out?” I demanded.
“We just don’t think you’re fit to be our president anymore. The way you see things in running this chapter isn’t the way the majority of us want it,” Sharon said.
“What majority? The few of y’all against the rest of us?” I said, really hoping most of my line sisters hadn’t turned on me for real.
Bea said, “No, fourteen of us against you.”
“I don’t get what I’ve done that’s so crazy for you guys to feel that y’all don’t want me to be the chapter president anymore.”
I had given up so much for them. My grades were slipping. I didn’t have a man anymore. I hadn’t been keeping in touch with my family. I even had beef with my roommates. All because every single ounce of energy I had was poured into Beta Gamma Pi, Alpha Chapter. And now they were telling me they didn’t want me to be their leader. Them chicks had to be on crack and I was the only one in my right mind.
“I know this is a shock,” Sharon said, trying to come over and console me. “I know you cared about your position.”
Moving away from her phony hug, I said, “I don’t care about my position. Being president is one thing, but I care about you guys. I care about this chapter.”
“But ever since you have been president things haven’t been that great,” Dena said.
Audria chimed in, “And I’ve just been praying.”
“Audria, you’re not the only one who prays, okay.”
“I’m just saying, because I know this is going to be hard, Hayden, but sometimes you’ve got to just step aside. We love you as a soror, we just don’t want you as a president. It’s not like we’re trying to kick you out of the chapter or anything.”
Inside, I was bawling, but no tears would fall. I guess the rain had washed them all away. I just didn’t want them to see me crack.
“So tell us how we go about it.” Bea stood over me and asked, “Do we just raise our hands and you’re not the president anymore? We didn’t want to do this without you. It’s not like we voted or anything yet, so tell us what we need to do.”
I had been studying protocol. I knew the procedure for handling this. But it wasn’t like I was going to give them the ammunition to take me down.
“You’re not the only one who can give us the information,” Bea continued when I remained silent. “We do have an advisor.”
“And all of these little meetings we had without her,” I said, so they knew I knew, “have been totally out of order anyway.”
“Then that’s another reason why we need to get you out. You’re the one acting all in charge, calling emergency meetings left and right and demanding that we be places. Getting us to take our time to spend on a girl who stole from us, I mean what kind of leader are you?”
“Alright!” Sharon said to Bea.
“I just want to make sure she gets the point. We’re all completely fed up with her. We need to do something about it right now.”
“If that’s the way you feel about it, Bea, then do what you got to do. There is no need for me to fight you. I can see the avalanche falling down the mountainside and I’m not trying to be rolled over. I can get out of the way.” I didn’t really want to move on, but as Audria says, “Sometimes you pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.” I knew I had done my best and obviously that wasn’t good enough. So now He needed to decide my fate and I had to be okay with it. So I left, for good, that day.
For two days, I stayed in my room. I didn’t go to class, I didn’t take any calls. I barely put anything in my stomach. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t feel great and before I could find a way to get along with my sorority sisters, I had to find a way to get along with myself.
“Hey lady, do you mind if I come in?” Bridget said, standing outside my door.
“No Bridg. Girl, I’m fine,” I said, in an unconvincing tone.
“Hayden, open up the door please,” she said.
I wanted to crawl under the covers and be left alone. When she knocked again, I knew she really cared, so I went over to the door and unlocked it.
“I know I look a mess. I did brush my teeth though and don’t look at my room. I know you’re a neat freak,” I said.
“I wasn’t trying to be presumptuous,” she said, “but ...”
“What did you do? Please don’t tell me you called my momma?”
“No, but I did talk to my chapter president.”
“What? You called the girl that was dating Creed? Are you kidding me?” I asked, totally ticked off.
“Well, your friend does care about you deeply,” Tammy said, as she stepped slowly into my view.
“Well, that’s okay. I don’t need counseling, particularly from a MEM.”
“Yeah, I know so I called my good friend,” Tammy said, and she yanked on someone behind her wearing a lavender shirt.
I looked perplexed. I didn’t know what she was talking about. And in walked Penelope.
“We were roommates when we were on line,” Penelope said to me, pointing to Bridget’s big sister. “But as you know I made the smarter choice, or so I thought before I got kicked out of the sorority. But some bonds go deeper than that.”
Tammy said, “Penelope has been following Alpha chapter, and cares about y’all, even as she sits on the outs. You guys talk.”
“If you want me to go, I’ll leave,” Penelope said, not trying to force me into talking.
“No. Come in please,” I said, knowing maybe this was a blessing.
The MEMs left my room. I shut the door and pulled my chair from my desk for her to sit. Penelope sat down and looked firmly into my eyes.
I said, “Thanks for coming. I thought everyone had abandoned me.”
“I understand that feeling, but even when I was kicked out, you came over and said something that really stuck with me.”
“What did I say?” I asked, unsure of what that could be.
“You said you cared. And I have always cared about you. I’m sure I let you down as leader of the line, but it’s hard being a leader of anything.”
“Well, I certainly know that now. I never knew there was such a thing as caring too much, and now they don’t want me to lead them at all. It’s clear that I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“And I didn’t either, but I have had a lot of time for reflection. Wondering why I couldn’t stand up to Keisha and have her take a step back when she was going too far. My leadership or lack of it allowed her to take me down, you know?”
“Yeah!” I replied. “So what you’re saying is that even though we may have the right motives, we just didn’t go about it the right way.” Penelope nodded in agreement. “But how can I change that? How can I make it better? I’m so confused. Ever since I walked out, I feel like I failed myself, because that isn’t me, I am the kind of person that wants the best for everybody. I’m not selfish, I’m not demanding, I ...” I could not even finish my sentence. Realizing that I really didn’t know myself at all, I was speechless.
“The way that you see yourself is from your point of view. But when you see it from someone else’s side, it makes you come at it from a different angle.”
“Well, how can I lead right? How can I care? Or let them know that I do? I mean I just want to have a little bit of everyone in me, you know? Keisha and Bea are so strong, even Sharon is so likeable and smart.”
“But you’ve got to be you. You’ve got to do it your way. You’ve got to let your heart guide you. You’ve got to work what you’ve got.”
“I keep hearing that,” I said.
“Hayden, you can’t just demand that they keep you on as their president, nor can you make them follow you. But you certainly can talk to them in a way to make them want to follow you. To make them believe you care about what is right for them. I know there is no better president for this chapter than you, Hayden Grant, but you have to find your own place.”
It was amazing to me, within the past forty-eight hours I tried to find some kind of direction, some kind of way to pick up the pieces and let out all that was pent up inside. Now, I could really feel the bond of sisterhood, because a girl that had been cast out had come back to let me know she still was on her job, she wasn’t going to let me go.
“I love Beta Gamma Pi, Hayden. Even with my gems taken, I love Beta Gamma Pi. That means I love you, my sister.”
Penelope’s open heart meant the world to me. I got up and hugged her, as we cried tears of joy, blessed to feel the real bond of sisterhood. It felt great not being phony and holding back. We cared, and those feelings came gushing out.
15
PRIORITY
“Momma, I’m not going to Founders’ Day, so quit asking me, okay. Please leave it alone and don’t tell me that I have to go,” I said to her over the phone as I lay across my bed.
A big hole was already in my heart, knowing that this was my first Founders’ Day as a member of Beta Gamma Pi. While we were on the line we only read about how moving and significant Founders’ Day celebrations were. It’s an event that the collegiate chapters host in conjunction with the alumnae chapters. All we had to do was show up, and because I hadn’t talked to my line sisters in days, I had no idea if they were going to attend or not. Since they hadn’t reached out to me, I knew they didn’t even care if I was going, and that hurt.
“Hayden, I understand you’re tired and your studies may be weighing you down, but as Chapter President there are some responsibilities you just cannot walk away from,” my mom insisted.
I hadn’t felt the need to call her and let her know that I was asked to step down as Chapter President. I was too embarrassed. What was I going to say, “Oh Mom, your little girl that you think is so great isn’t that great at all?”
“What’s going on, Hayden, talk to me girl. My Chapter President called me and asked me when was the last time I talked to you
. Now is there something going on out there in the world of Beta Gamma Pi that I need to be aware of? Remember, I’ve been a member of the organization for almost two decades. I ran for a lot of positions, got a few of them and lost a lot of them. I know there can be a dark side to this sisterhood.”
I never thought that she could understand what I was feeling, but when she put it that way, maybe she could. I remember when she ran for Regional Coordinator and lost to the woman who is now the National President. I know that she often thinks about how things would be different if she would have won years back. Maybe she would be National President now. How cool would that have been for me? My mom heading the organization that I loved so dearly. But, it didn’t work out that way, and though she lost, she still remained active. She didn’t hide, she didn’t quit. What did she have that allowed her to keep going when she felt broken?
So I said, “Okay, Mom, I didn’t want to let you down, so that’s why I haven’t told you this.”
“Told me what, sweetie? Please talk to me.”
“A couple weeks ago I had a big run-in with ...”
“I know, your uncle called me. He told me all about you seeing his wife out and all that and I just left you alone because I knew that had to be hard, going to him. Baby, you did the right thing.”
“No Mom, I’m not talking about that, though I didn’t tell you about it because it wasn’t my business. I figured if Uncle Wade wanted you to know, he would tell you himself.”
“Okay, I respect that.”
“Great.”
“So what’s going on?”
“It’s related to the sorority. Actually, it was that same day. My line sisters called a meeting. When I showed up they all decided that I wasn’t the one they wanted to lead them anymore.”
“Oh Hayden, are you serious, honey?” she said in a deflated tone.
“Yes ma’am,” I said, thankful that she showed some sympathy. She didn’t just brush this under the rug and tell me everything was okay.
“So who’s the new president?” she asked.