“What about him? I still plan on going out with him on Friday.”
“Oooh, I like this new side of you, Rosie. Playing the field, I like it.”
“Playing the Field, that’s the name of one of my favorite books, it’s about these amazingly hot
baseball players who live in Atlanta. The main character is Brady, oh my God, Jenny you have to…”
The look on her face told me she could care less about the book I was talking about, just like Delaney. Didn’t anyone share the same passion for books that I did?
“There’s the Rosie I know,” she smiled. “I’m glad you’re putting your Kindle aside for a little bit and going on a couple of dates. I’m proud of you. Do you need me to take you shopping?”
“No, I’m good,” I replied, realizing that maybe I did spend too much time reading, if Jenny even noticed. The more I thought about it, the more I thought that notion was crazy. I didn’t spend too much time reading; there was no such thing. I just needed to make more time for a social life, that’s all.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. Date night!”
“Woo hoo,” I cheered with her, feeling a little anxious, but excited in general.
***
When I got home that night, I was walking up the stairs to my apartment when I ran into an impeccably dressed and divine smelling Henry. He really set the standard for men. Just at the sight of him, all the thoughts of Delaney talking about Henry wanting to have sex with me came to the forefront of my mind, making my entire body heat up. Damn her.
“Hey, love,” he greeted me with that charming smirk of his.
“Hey, Henry. Date?” I asked, trying to forget the sexual thoughts running through my mind and the sincere eyes Henry was giving me, as if I was the only girl he wanted to talk to.
“Yup, a blonde I met on the subway.” He acted as if it was no big deal.
“Picking girls up on public transportation is kind of below you, Henry.”
Smirking, he leaned over and said, “Not when her tits are hanging out for the world to see.”
“Ugh, Henry.”
“What?” You know I like a good rack, and can’t help myself when I see one.”
“You could try. What if she’s a psycho killer?”
“She’s not, I already Googled her after she told me her whole name. She works at a fashion company in Soho. She has that whole bohemian style and doesn’t mind showing off her assets.” He wiggled his eyebrows while tickling my side.
“Stop,” I laughed while pulling away. “Please excuse me, I need to go pick out some outfits for the two dates I have coming up.”
“Two dates?” his eyebrows shot up.
“Yes, I have swing dancing tomorrow and bowling on Saturday with a guy I met today.”
“Bowling? Uh, that’s lame.”
“No, it’s cute,” I said, while raising in my chin.
“Okay, but you will be giving me his information before you take off. I don’t trust any man who takes a girl on a bowling date.”
“You’re so weird,” I chuckled. I was about to take off when I stopped myself and pressed my hand against Henry’s chest to stop him. Thoughts of what Jenny said to me earlier about giving it up to Lance ran through my mind. “Henry, what does a guy like when it comes to a blow job?”
“What?” he shook his head as if he didn’t hear me correctly.
“A blow job, what do you like?”
Clearing his throat and shifting in place, he said, “Rosie, this is not a conversation to have in a stairwell, I would rather show you in the privacy of our own home where I can really teach you.”
“If you’re talking about me practicing on you, you can think again.”
“It’s education,” he laughed, while lacing my hand with his. Always a flirt.
“I’m serious, Henry.”
Running his hand through his hair, he looked at his watch and then took me upstairs.
“I have ten minutes; sit down and be quiet,” he said, while he forced me on the couch and went to the kitchen. When he returned, he had a banana in his hand and a concerned look on his face.
He sat down next to me and held out the banana, but I didn’t pay attention to that; I, instead, studied the crease in his brow.
“What’s going on?” I asked, rubbing out the crease with my fingers.
“I don’t like this.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“You, blow jobs. I don’t want you to be handing out blow jobs. I know I’ve been teasing you a lot lately, but this seems so real. I don’t like it.”
“So, you’re saying I shouldn’t be giving guys blow jobs?”
“Guys? Rosie, please tell me you aren’t about to hand these out as a parting gift after each of your dates.”
I sat back and studied Henry closer. “I don’t get you. One minute you’re encouraging me, helping me learn about sex, and the next you’re restricting what I’m allowed to do. I don’t think you have the right to tell me what I can and can’t do.”
“You’re right,” he shook his head. “It’s just getting real now. I like you all innocent.”
“You’re holding a banana in your hand and about to tell me about the art of a blow job. I would hardly call that real.”
“True,” he chuckled and then took a deep breath. “Alright, hold this and pretend it’s a dick.”
“Are they really this big?” I asked, looking down at the banana and feeling intimidated.
“Yes, Rosie, when erect, the penis can be that big and sometimes even bigger.”
“Dear God, where do you guys stuff them?”
“We just tape them down to our legs.”
“Seriously?” I asked, as my gaze swung up to his.
“No! Jesus, let’s just get this over with. There are three basic things a guy wants in a blow job. Number one…”
“Wait, let me get a notebook, so I can write this down.”
“No, you’re not writing this down, just pay attention. Be in the moment, Rosie.”
“Fine,” I succumbed.
I looked down at the dick…well, banana and studied it while Henry spoke.
“Number one, flick your tongue on the underside of his cock. It’s so fucking sensitive under there, you will have him ready in seconds.”
“Got it, underside of cock.”
“Two, play with his balls, the head of his cock, and perineum.”
“Perineum?”
“Yes, it’s the spot right behind his nut sac. I’m telling you, a guy will scream like a girl if you do it right.”
“Okay, back door ball sac, got it.”
He chuckled while shaking his head. “Finally, give him a hummer.”
“What’s a hummer?” I asked, while looking down at the banana.
“A hummer is when you have his cock in your mouth and you hum lightly. The vibrations will jolt all the way down to his balls, and it will cause an amazing sensation to stir inside of him.”
“Interesting. Should I hum show tunes?” I teased.
“Not recommended. Whatever you do, apply pressure, use your hands and mouth at the same time, and just go for it, but for the love of God, do not use your teeth, even if magazines say guys like a little graze of the teeth, they’re lying. Anytime a girl busts out her chompers, I instantly start to panic that she’s going to bite down on me. I just can’t handle the unknown like that, so keep them tucked like a granny.”
“Granny, check,” I said, while tucking my teeth under my lips.
“Perfect,” he smiled softly and then looked at his watch. “Shit, I have to go. Practice on the banana, especially the no teeth thing. Have fun.”
“Thanks, Henry.”
“Anything for you, love, but just promise me you’ll be careful.”
“Promise.”
He placed both of his hands on my face and studied my eyes for just a brief moment before he kissed my forehead ever so softly. When he pulled away, he smiled lightly, as if he wanted to say something,
but then shook his head to himself and took off.
Weird.
Once he was gone, I went back to my room and stared at the banana while trying to gain the courage to give a blow job to a phallic shaped fruit. Instead of wrapping my mouth around it, I wrapped my hand around it and started moving it up and down in a steady rhythm.
“Oh, yeah, you like that banana? Are you going to turn into banana pudding soon? You going to lose your peel?”
“There is something seriously wrong with you,” Delaney said as I was mid-stroke.
“Shut my door!” I called out, as I tossed the molested banana to the side. Damn roommates.
I pulled out my notebook and started making notes for the day.
June 4, 2014
Flick, granny teeth, backdoor balls, and hum your life away: the keys to the perfect blowjob. Men like to be hummed to when getting blowjobs, interesting. I wonder if it’s some kind of lullaby for their penis. I would want to see the scientific research on that.
And who decided that playing with a man’s pern-en-whoozy-whatty was something that would make him explode faster? I need to Google what that is and where it is, because I was a little confused on the placement of that little hidden orgasm button.
I can understand the granny teeth thing. I doubt a ravenous woman showing her dick-eating fangs is very comforting to a man. I could imagine the libido factor dropping down a few notches after seeing fresh teeth waiting to take in the man’s most sensitive member.
Flicking your tongue. How do you flick a tongue? As I sit here and write, I’m practicing the flick motion, and I’m wondering how effective it really is on a man. After just grabbing my banana and flicking my tongue across it, I can see the aPEEL. God, I’m so funny.
After my blowjob crash course, I feel like I can tackle the world, one penis at a time…hopefully.
Chapter Six
The Smoking Vaginator
“Are you ready?” Delaney asked, as she was perched on my bed with her hands under her chin and her feet in the air.
No, I thought to myself as I stared in the mirror. I was wearing a polka dot dress that came to my knees and a pair of red heels. My lipstick matched my shoes, and my hair was up in a ponytail with a big pinned curl in the front that was being held tall with a decent amount of hairspray. To top the outfit off, I placed a red flower in my hair with some bobby pins to make sure it stayed tight. I was ready, at least appearance wise; my heart, on the other hand, was beating drastically against my chest.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I responded.
“Well, you look fantastic, seriously Rosie, I’m stunned.”
“Thanks, Delaney. You sure my boobs aren’t showing too much?”
“No, they look great, and your waist looks impossibly tiny in that dress.”
Surprising, since I wasn’t as small as Delaney by any means.
“Thanks. Where’s Henry? I thought he was going to be here.”
“No clue. I sent him a text, but he never responded.”
“Alright, well, I don’t want to be late. Thanks for all the help, Delaney. I really appreciate it.”
“Anything for my girl. Go have fun and don’t think about the whole sex part of the night. Just relax, enjoy the company, and if he kisses you, he kisses you.”
I nodded and then looked around my room. “Do you see my mini bottle of baby powder?”
“What do you need that for?” she asked, as she looked around with me. “Here it is.”
“Thanks. Ever since that wax, I’ve been really itchy and I found the baby powder helps. I don’t think I will ever get waxed again.”
“You just had a bad reaction, no big deal.”
“It’s a big deal when all I want to do is spread my legs and act like a damn ape scratching his balls on a hot day.”
“Do apes do that?” she asked with a quizzical eyebrow.
“In my head they do. Okay, got to go.” I leaned over and gave Delaney a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll text you later.”
“Have fun.” She waved at me and then clapped her hands together.
The subway ride over to the club was nerve racking, especially since I looked so out of place. Then again, it was New York City, no one looked normal. The city was an eclectic melting pot of weirdoes, but I was proud to be one of them. It wasn’t very often you could live in a place where everyone was so vastly different from the person next to them. I loved every bit of it.
Jenny said Atticus wanted to pick me up at my apartment, but I thought that was silly, since we would have to take the subway to the club anyway. Plus, I wasn’t quite ready to be alone with him, especially since I’ve never met the guy, so that was why I was riding by myself. I thought it was awfully considerate; Jenny and Delaney had other thoughts.
Once I got off the subway and walked the couple of blocks to the club, all my nerves vanished when I saw a bunch of people dressed up just like me and looking more than excited for the night to come.
Jenny, Drew, and Atticus were all standing on the sidewalk talking when I walked up to them.
“Hi guys.”
“Rosie, you made it,” Jenny gave me a big hug, while I chanced a glimpse at Atticus.
He fit right in with the times by wearing cuffed grey tweed pants, shoes that matched his pants, and a white shirt with red suspenders and a red bow tie. His hair was slicked to the side and his brown eyes looked warm and inviting.
“Rosie, meet Atticus,” Jenny said, as she pulled away from me in her brown dress and white gloves. She looked adorable.
“Atticus, it’s great to finally meet you,” I said, holding out my hand.
“Likewise. Jenny has told me so much about you.”
“Well, I hope I live up to what she’s said,” I said shyly.
“You do,” he smiled kindly at me.
I could hear the silent squee in Jenny’s mind as she looped her hand around Drew’s arm and walked into the club, while Atticus and I followed closely behind. He offered his arm to me like a gentlemen, and I took it, letting him guide me inside.
The club instantly brought me back to the era of swing. The club was covered in plush red and gold colors with intricate details. There was old school New York décor flanking every corner of the room, adding a bit of nostalgia to the ambiance. A giant chandelier graced the ceiling of the dance floor, where couples were swinging already and having a great time. I couldn’t be more excited.
“You look beautiful, by the way,” Atticus said into my ear as we followed Jenny and Drew to a table. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it right away. I’m kind of rusty when it comes to this dating thing.”
“That’s okay. I am too, and you look very handsome.”
“Thank you,” he smiled down at me and pulled me in a little closer. I already was starting to like Atticus. He was soft spoken and sweet…right up my alley.
“Will this be alright?” Jenny asked about the booth they started to sit down in.
“Looks good to me,” I said, as I sat down next to her and Atticus sat right next to me.
His arm wrapped around behind me on the cushioned bench seat as he looked out at the dance floor, surveying the dancers and band.
“Wow, there are some amazing dancers out there tonight.”
“Do you come here often?” I asked, silently agreeing with him.
“I try to. It’s been tough lately. My dad’s been in the hospital with cancer, so I haven’t had much time to come out.”
“Oh no, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, he’s in remission right now, so things are looking up. When Jenny and Drew said they were going out tonight and had a pretty friend I could dance with, I couldn’t help but agree to come out. I needed the release, you know?”
“I do. I’m glad you met up with us,” I said, while touching his thigh instinctively. The movement shocked him for a second, but then he softened toward me and tugged on my shoulder.
I sat frozen as I wondered what the hell possessed me to touch his thigh
. It was a rather bold move, one I’d never done before, so now I sat there contemplating what to do next. Did I remove my hand and place it in my lap? Did I stroke his thigh? No, don’t stroke his thigh, I warned my hand, who seemed to have a mind of its own. Stroking of the thigh would be way too bold and beyond creepy after only knowing the guy for two minutes. Instead, I lifted my hand, not making any stroking motion and quickly grabbed my purse that was on the table. I was starting to feel itchy and needed to head to the bathroom. The nerves were starting to get to me.
“Excuse me, do you mind if I go to the ladies room real quick?”
“Not at all,” he said, while getting up. “When you get back, do you want to head out on the dance floor?” The vulnerability in his eyes cut to my very core as I nodded.
“I would love that.”
I turned from the booth and headed to the bathroom, where there was a short line.
“One holer,” the lady in front of me called out with a seriously dark smoker’s voice.
“I’m sorry?” I asked, not quite understanding what she meant.
“There’s only one shitter in there, one holer. It’s going to be a while, toots.”
“Oh,” I said while I shifted in place, casually pressing my purse against my itchy crotch to scratch it. It was better than my ape hand getting all down and crazy on my red brick road.
“Fancy meeting you here,” a familiar voice said in my ear. I turned to see my handsome best friend standing next to me.
“Henry, what are you doing here?” I asked, while pulling him into a hug.
“Thought I would do a little swing dancing. Care to dance with me?”
“I can’t. I’m on a date, Henry, and I have to umm…throw some fairy dust on the red brick road.”
He looked down at my crotch in confusion, so I pulled out my baby powder from my purse and he nodded in understanding. He looked around and then pulled me by the hand out of line and straight into the men’s room.
He locked the door behind us and said, “Go ahead, do your business.”
I covered my mouth and nose and said, “Oh, it smells like pee in here.”